o. 2 N 9 0 e1 Volum
Table of Contents 1.
Jenny Ghose . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Par for the Noose
Fiona Tien . . . . . . . . . . . . . Cup of No
Michael Rosenberg . . . I Couldn’t Possibly Have Another
Volume CIX, Number 2 Fall 2017
S TA F F
Molly Miller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Walk of Shameless
Colleen Hillard . . . . . . . . . . . . Bong Crosby Sarah Hall . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Depressing Christmas Carols Marjorie Gaber . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pot Hockets
Brianna Kucharski . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Placid Amphibian Ella Horwedel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Toxic Cock Syndrome Ben Leigh . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . Supercalifragifuckit
Jeremy Kruman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Middle Shelf Nathan Slaven . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Beta Fish w/ Betta Fish Sophie Mirza . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pious Saw Josiah Rentschler . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ugly Cuckling Sarah Neff . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jonesy Max Lee . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Implied Mark Schlissel Carly Francis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Breathy Bugler Duncan Reitz . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lawful Syrup Jamie McClellan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . La voz de la gente Natasha Pietruschka . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Slurp Alex Boscolo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Old Hag Direct all complaints, comments, submissions, and proclamations to
The Gargoyle 420 Maynard Ann Arbor, MI 48104
firstname.lastname@example.org Visit us at: www.gargmag.com
Copyright © Gargoyle Humor Magazine 2014
10. Flip 11. Harpies 12. The Bean 13. Diorama 14. SPAM 15. Cursed 16. FIN
By Brianna Kucharski
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han “I’m not an asshole I promise” Slaven needs to Your sae papleside. choo
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Just the Twist!
Written by Nathan Slaven
On May 7, 1988, the following pilot was presented to the executives of CBS. It was pitched as “Twilight Zone with all of the boring bits cut out.” Just the Twist!™: Pilot - Hectics in Hawaii
FADE IN: INT. BEACH - DAY
KING: Well, we prepared a luau in your honor.
BILL (to TED): Hey, Ted. Do we know these guys? Are they from that Roanoke place we went to last week?
COOK: A luau? I’m honored. Well, I guess that was the intention. Lead the way.
TED (to BILL): I don’t think so. But he seems pretty upset. Let’s just play along.
PICKERSGILL: Sir, I have to advise against that. For all you know, a luau is a ritual where you turn water into Hawaiian Punch.
TED (to Cook): No worries, bro. Everything’s excellent between us.
A crowd of awestruck Hawaiians gather around a few white sailors. But not in a racial way. Captain COOK steps forward, as does Hawaiian KING. COOK is accompanied by his first mate, PICKERSGILL, and KING is accompanied by his KAHUNA. COOK: Greetings. I am Captain James Cook, Royal Navy, here on behalf of King George III of Great Britain. KING (to camera): That’s a big ship. I wonder if he’s compensating for something. Better play nice and show some equatorial hospitality. KING winks to the camera. [Laugh track] King (Cont.): Oh, Great Lono, our kahunas foretold your coming, but I did not expect your heavenly vessel to be nearly so magnificent. PICKERSGILL jumps backwards in shock. PLOT TWIST!!!™ pops up on screen. Queue THEME SONG: THEME SONG: There’s no way you expected this. Get your mind blown on Just the Twist!™ PICKERSGILL: Holy fuck, he speaks English. COOK (to PICKERSGILL): They think we’re gods. Who cares what language they speak? COOK (Cont.) (to KING): Well, that’s great to hear. Do you have a name? KING (surprised): Of course I have a name. I’m Kalaniʻōpuʻu-a-Kaiamamao, King of Hawaii. COOK: Owhyhee? I like it. Has a nice ring to it. So, I assume you have tributes to offer me
[Laugh track] PICKERSGILL (Cont.): If these people find out that we’re not gods, they’ll be pissed. KING: Um, you know I can hear you, right? COOK is flustered. Fortunately, in a moment of ex machina, a giant phone booth falls from the sky, crushing KAHUNA. PLOT TWIST!!!™ pops up on screen. Queue THEME SONG: THEME SONG: There’s no way you expected this. Get your mind blown on Just the Twist!™ BILL: Oh, crap, Ted. We totally WickedWitch-of-the-Wested that guy. [Laugh track]
COOK: Really? We don’t have to do any penance? Wait a second, I don’t remember any angels named Ted… In a moment of ex machina, four gods burst through the ground. Islanders fall to the ground and start chanting. But not in a racial way. PLOT TWIST!!!™ pops up on screen. Queue THEME SONG. THEME SONG: There’s no way you expected this. Get your mind blown with Just the Twist!™. GOD 1: You have offended the almighty guardians of Hawaii. You will now pay for your sins. COOK: Pickersgill, I think this would be a good time to run. Pan out, revealing that PICKERSGILL already started sprinting back to the ship.
TED: We totally did, Bill. Bogus. Hey, this isn’t Cleopatra’s palace.
PICKERSGILL: No time for cliche catchphrases now, Captain!
BILL: Oh, whoops. I must’ve forgotten to type in the new coordinates. Bogus. Looks like we’re back in Hawaii, where we taught all of those Hawaiian people English last week.
COOK starts to run, but GOD 1 points his finger, and a blast of energy blows COOK into a splatter of mush.
PICKERSGILL (to COOK): Captain, this is mad. Those two must be angels sent from Heaven to punish us for our hubris. We need to go over to them and repent at once. COOK and PICKERSGILL rush over to BILL and TED and prostrate themselves. COOK: Oh, Heavenly Father, we humbly beg forgiveness for our transgressions in the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.
BILL: Bogus. I got blood all over my Wild Stallyns T-shirt. Bill is briefly lost in thought. BILL (Cont.): Hey, Ted, do you think Cleopatra likes pineapples? TED: Everyone likes pineapples, Bill. Nice thinking. FADE OUT. THE END
Just the Twist™ was cancelled prior to production due to multiple copyright strikes.
OFFICE OF DEVELOPMENT UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN 1600 Schlissel Dr. ∙ Ann Arbor MI ∙ 481909 Phone: 1-555-WEDONTNEEDTHIS Fax: 1-800-WASTINGYOURTUITION
DATE: 2017 TO: The rest of our waspy board FROM: Another rich alumnus SUBJECT: Another useless building PRICE: Our entire endowment
On the new Building: Needs: • Must provide little to no use to current students or actual academics • Antique wood paneling that will oppress minority students (Alternative: Glass paneling with vomit orange exterior) • Plenty of seating areas miles away from outlets and only in areas where WiFi is weakest • Modern furniture in interesting configurations that provide no back support (Reference: Shapiro Library) • At least two front desks with students working 24/7 but with no discernable purpose • Chain coffee shops • Several old phone booths that now have Mac desktops because why not? • Macs must be virtually unusable and contained within a porta-potty sized old phone booth Wants: • Maybe something to do with athletics? They could always use another building and we haven’t given them enough money lately • Completely fuck with the Blue Bus routes for as long as possible during construction • Heated exclusively by furnace that only burns cash • Named after a racist (possibly incorporating racism in another way?) (Let’s get creative) • At least five emails to the students from Schlissel to remind them how we’re wasting their tuition • A single accessible entrance that is on the complete opposite side of the main entrance (if any)
WE INTERRUPT THIS MESSAGE TO BRING YOU A COMPLETLEY UNRELATED COMIC:
Depressing Christmas Carols Written by Sarah Hall
Do you hate yourself as much as you hate the holidays? Contemplating death? As the holiday season nears, get in the suicidal swing of things with these classics on repeat.
“Jingle Hell” Oh what agony it is to live In an 800 square foot house This is an accurate representation of your life. Your grandma wears her homemade sweater vest every year and it has at least 50 bells sewn onto it. It wouldn’t be that bad, but once she’s had a glass of eggnog, she’s bouncing all over the kitchen, sometimes leaving a trail of tiny bells around the house. “All I Want for Christmas is Booze” Make my wish come true, Baby all I want for Christmas is to forget my existence and enter an eternal blackout Just like your least favorite uncle, get trashed this holiday season. To make things interesting, drop social bombs at the dinner table, like “Mike Pence is a lizard person!” and then immediately excuse yourself to the restroom.
“Silent Knife” Silent knife, holy knife All is not calm, I want to fight Round yon bitch ass sister, mom’s favorite child Holy shit, I’m gonna go wild That’s how you’ve always wanted to end it. There are plenty of knives strewn about. There’s the one you used during dinner, the one used to carve the turkey, and the one in your back from Christmas of 2005 when your family joked that you were an accident, but then your sister confirmed it. “O Come All Ye Darkness” O come all ye darkness Gloomy and threatening O come ye, consume me with your terror O come and just end me Welcome eternal nothingness with this chiming in the background. When you’ve finally given up, play this on full volume – the Taylor Swift version of course, so you know you definitely want to end your existance.
“Little Drugged Boy” Come they told me Pa addy ad-dy A new powder to breathe Pa nose ca-an-dy Nothing screams happy holidays like an overdose. Ask all of your relatives for molly this Christmas – and we don’t mean the American Girl doll. Ingest all of their gifts at once, reach the pinnacle of happiness, then promptly die. “Joy to the Void” Joy to the void, the end has come Let earth focus on me And hurry hurry hurry to end me And hurry hurry hurry to end me Embrace eternity. Even though this song is about some baby of God or something, take back the night. It’s about you.
Pooropoly™ Rule Book Pooropoly™ is a game like no other. Created in 1834 by a deaf and dumb Rhode Island bus driver, Pooropoly™ poortrays the life of the average farm girl in rural Eastern Bodonia. The locals’ lives are simple, but their hardships are very real. The goal of the game is to make enough money to keep your farm and have at least 1/3 of your kids live to be 14. The rules are straightforward, but the world is cruel. Can you win against the house? Object The goal of the game is to commoditize youth by selling the rights to your family’s private moments to a reality television show that is solely interested in proving your negligence to your children, whether founded or not.
Roles Faith The protagonist of the game is the daughter, Faith. Two players play as Faith simultaneously, representing her id and superego. Faith must work within the farm square and cannot leave. Characters on squares adjacent to the farm are free to pass through. Faith does not pass Go in this game. There is no Go is this game. Every turn, Faith’s id and superego both roll a die, and continue to roll until the die are the same. The number that they agree on denotes the number of years between suicide attempts.
Equipment The game consists of 2 boards, a deck of playing cards, an hourglass for looking, a looking glass for houring, and 3 kingsize boxes of Good & Plenty®. Additionally, you will need a computer for fact-checking, a shibboleth for imposters, 2 witnesses, and a lunchbox. If you are playing in the afternoon, you will not need a patron, but the figurines will be necessary.
Note: Non-Faith players must play at least one antagonist role and one foil role. Characters may collude but players may not.
Setup With the boards laid out, fill any cracks that appear. Now players select their game talisman. Players are encouraged to make their own, but if strapped for time, players may share talismen. No blood or hair sacrifices are allowed in the making of the talismen. Using a calculator, determine a fair number of credits to distribute to each player. This will be called the Fair Distribution. Write this down: 10 4 7 28 6. This will be our secret.
Children Faith’s children aid in the farm work. Children must be fed periodically. Children who run away from home can be recaptured if they land on a square with a loyal villager on it. The only two things that can kill a child are Hep A and rolling snake eyes, bitch. Children have intelligence and charisma stats, which are irrelevant outside of obituary construction. Children can play “pranks”, which are small yet hefty wrenches that one throws across medium distances at players to incite a duel. Once a duel is complete, children may attack their opponent’s life points directly. Village Elder The innermost player plays the village elder. Village elder practices necromancy and is also a bookee on the side. All characters must direct their inquiries only to the elder. Questions must be phrased in the subjunctive mood. Village elder rolls for story-telling ability. Rolling a 7 pauses the game for 1 hour and initiates the Mahjong minigame. Boldness stats are 10/-4/7, clarity is 3. Tree People With probability 1, everyone in the game is a tree person. These characters play a nurturing/bullying role as foil/antagonist. Whenever a tree person character nurtures Faith, every player and their opposing minor gains mana in proportion to the beating severity. Tree people are hardy and are not susceptible to attacks of character or strawmen. They subsist entirely on 7/11 sweet buns. This fact is irrelevant. Gameplay All the rules of the game have been covered above. Any move not explicitly prohibited is legal. I love you.
The Matt Grissel Saga: A Christ Allegory by Mark Schlissel
t 1:43 on Friday, October 20th, Schlissel submitted this script Quad, stating that he would put He promptly left to write an apology EXT. Small White House, Day OPEN on a small white house on North Campus. The house is in disrepair, covered in graffiti, its roof caving in and about to fall through. MATT GRISSEL (25), a strapping, Tom Brady-esque man, walks in. His beard is as glorious and beautiful as a Van Gogh painting, its locks the obvious subject of much daily lust. The interior of the house isn’t much better than the exterior. He slams the door, and it almost falls off of the hinges. He walks into his living room, one which looks like it has been recently bombed, and exasperatedly sits down next to his supermodel wife. The wall behind them is decorated with various prestigious??? awards. Matt (frustrated): We have begun the academic year with both pride and pain, but mostly pain. Wife: What do you mean, honey? Matt: I’ve done everything I can for these students. Is it me who’s lost touch? No, it’s the students who are the problem. Wife: It’s just not easy being a college president, honey. Matt: And how would you know? I’m out there every day, fixing racism and sexual harassment on our campus, yet the students still hate me. Wife: Maybe you haven’t done as much as you think. Matt: What are you talking about? I’ve completely eradicated racism from our campus! Those stupid social justice kids should be worshipping me! Wife: Well maybe you should try to do something about that. Matt suddenly looks as though a
an excited University of Michigan President Dr. Mark to the Screen Arts & Cultures Department in North as much money into the production as it would take. email for syrup segregation in campus dining halls.
light bulb has popped up over his head. He pulls out his phone, a flawless new 2017 Blackberry, and starts typing furiously, an action which is both graceful and will save the entire university. Matt (sotto): We have begun the academic year with both pride and pain. We are proud to welcome students back to campus from every corner of our state, across the nation and around the world, except for Wyoming. But you guys just need to stop messing with hispanics! Fade out EXT. Grissel’s house, NIGHT A crowd of angry college students, armed with pitchforks and torches, surrounds Grissel’s house. The crowd is very loud. Suddenly, one of the students throws a rock through Grissel’s window. These students are very stupid. Matt Grissel, dressed in a shabby old suit, walks out stoically. He begins to navigate the crowd, taking punches and other physical violence in stride. A bloodied, beaten Grissel suddenly stops in the middle and assumes a Moses-like position. Matt: Don’t punish me, your messiah, students - after all, what have I done wrong? The crowd suddenly becomes silent to listen to Grissel’s remarks. Grissel stands in a Jesus-like position. Matt: I have eradicated racism completely from your college campus with my hands alone! The crowd is silent for a few moments, but then gets into an uproar once again. These, again, are very stupid college students. Matt: Have you not read my emails, the bibles by which you students should live?
The camera turns around, and it’s suddenly revealed that the students are wearing klan robes and carrying burning crosses. Matt: Ah, so I was right all along. You aren’t social justice warriors - you’re klansmen! Well I won’t take that on my campus! Matt rips off his shirt to reveal his rocking body. With his beard flapping in the wind, Matt begins fighting the klansmen students. He beats up a few of them easily before being consumed by the crowd. As the crowd begins ripping off his beard, he pulls out his Blackberry one more time and starts writing an email desperately. Matt (dictating): The academic year has begun with pain. Yet you students must make me proud by listening to my wise teachings. Grissel gets enveloped by the crowd. We lose him. Ext. Diag - Day Matt Grissel’s bloodied body is carried through the diag by multiple faculty. A large crowd of students, families, and faculty surround, every single member of which is crying profusely. A storm suddenly starts. Student 1: We should’ve appreciated him while we could! A bunch of other sad college students try to pull Student 1 away, but he breaks away and runs back to the body. Another student, STUDENT 2, runs up to the body and starts crying. All of the other students join him. Student 2 (through tears): Matt Grissel was a hero! Why didn’t we appreciate our amazing college president while we could! Fade out
Brought 2 U Bi
By Nathan Slaven
*Many Tardigradesâ„˘ were harmed in the making of this image. Fall 2017
Published on Dec 7, 2017