Gambit New Orleans: March 27, 2012

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Perhaps the most infamous lategame meltdown in college basketball history occurred in 1993 when University of Michigan star Chris Webber was assessed a technical foul for blockheadedly calling a timeout in the closing moments of the game when the team already had churned through its full allotment of timeouts. But according to one of the aforementioned “anonymous sources,” Webber was thrown off that night by a demoralizing practical joke pulled by muckraking teammate Jalen Rose before the game. You see, throughout the course of the ’93 tournament, Webber had a habit of listening to the song “Informer” by Snow — Billboard’s No. 1 song for seven weeks that spring — over and over on his Sony Walkman just prior to taking the court to get his adrenaline flowing at maximum capacity. On this day, however, while Webber was getting his ankles taped by the team trainers, Rose swapped out Webber’s “Informer” cassette for one containing Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Webber was livid. “How could you do me like that, man?” Webber screamed at a giggling Rose. “How could you assault my auditory senses with something so revoltingly hideous right before the biggest game of our lives?” The cassette swap was a kick to Webber’s psychological solar plexus, so it’s fair to say that what’s believed to be the first known incident of Rickrolling probably cost Michigan the national championship that night. True story.

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Smart step up to drill what’s been since dubbed “The Shot.” After the game, Dale Brown was seen wandering around the Quarter kicking an empty soup can and mumbling Norman Vincent Peale quotes to himself. True story.

the greater New Orleans area, a fog stubbornly dense enough to make navigation on the Mississippi River especially tedious for the river pilots charged with guiding massive ships up and down the waterway. Throughout the night, crews aboard the passing vessels made liberal use of their foghorns to acquaint other passing watercraft with their presence. Predictably, such a thing posed a nuisance to anyone attempting to get a good night’s rest at the Hilton New Orleans Riverside that night, where the University of Kansas basketball team just so happened to have sought lodging before they played Syracuse for the title the following day. But it was especially troublesome for wiry Kansas guard Kirk Hinrich. You see, when Hinrich was a wee lad growing up in the golden outskirts of Sioux City, Iowa, he had a cocker spaniel named Sissy that was the joy of his life. Well, one day Sissy chased a three-legged rabbit into a cornfield directly in the path of a passing corn plow. The farmer on the tractor blew a horn in an attempt to warn the dog, without success, and young Kirk, who of course was nearby shooting a ball into a peach basket, heard the sound as well. Throughout that night, whenever he heard a ship’s foghorn bellowing in the murky distance, Hinrich was reminded of Sissy’s unfortunate demise. So it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to anyone that Hinrich threw up an airball when he had a chance to send the title game against Syracuse to overtime at the buzzer. True story. What sort of story behind the story will emerge from the 2012 New Orleans Final Four? Will someone’s game be thrown off because a gameday breakfast buffet wasn’t sufficiently hearty? Probably. These things just tend to happen! True story. — Brett Michael Dykes (aka The Cajun Boy) is the Louisiana-born editor-in-chief of Uproxx.com and a lifelong college basketball fan.


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