HARDWARE
GADGETS
NEEDLESS TO SAY (FOR OUR OLDER READERS), THE RESEARCH FOR THIS MONTH’S THEME OF “PASSION GADGETS” LED ME TO SOME VERY DARK PLACES ON THE INTERNET.
Regardless of the Google search, anything with the word “Passion” in the title only went one way, and whilst an article on “those” types of electronics would indeed write itself from my perspective, I was told by the powers that be that although the immature adolescent readers like myself may find it hilarious, advertisers, and anyone with a mental age above 10, would
not be amused. Thus, I was forced to get a little more creative with my ideas. I toyed for a long time with numerous ideas, however once again the internet was determined to shepherd me into its dirtiest places. So finally I decided that, in a fight between myself and the world wide web, I was not going to win. Passion is a
PHILLIPS BEARDTRIMMER 9000 This is one for the men (or women. Once again, no judgments). All men know that selfgrooming is one of, if not the, most important factors in attraction. Nobody can deny that a face of well-controlled, level-trimmed and symmetrical facial hair increases the chance of a night of passion by 400% (I haven’t tested this, but I’m told). Thus, Phillips, with their years of experience in the technology game, have created the BeardTrimmer 9000. The name of the product cannot be simply passed over. Phillips clearly know how to make their products appeal to men. Who else could make something as simple as an electric razor sound like an evolved robot, designed specifically to make your beard look its best. The connotations of an advanced, beard-trimming robot don’t stop in the name. The BeardTrimmer 9000 is one of the few electric razors on the market which uses a laser guiding system. That’s right, as if you didn’t feel cool enough owning something with “9000” in the name already, now you can shave and trim with the precision of a system that literally guides military weapons. If that’s not a pick-up line, I don’t know what is.
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feeling that none of us will escape forever. However, I have decided to help those that wait too long to feel it. That’s right, there’s a whole market out there for gadgets that help us in that ancient art of attracting the opposite sex. Passion is right around the corner when you’re using gadgets like The S Ring, the Phillips Beardtrimmer 9000 and the Slendertone belt.
THE S RING Anybody that has studied the science of attraction between males and females knows about pheromones. They’re the Poison Ivy’s kiss of the scientific world, creating an irresistible (not factually correct) attraction to whoever is producing them. The S Ring is the newest piece of technology to take advantage of these magic molecules, meaning that now, it’s not only over-weight millionaires that can get supermodels*. That’s right, The S Ring is the common man’s answer to a six-pack and arms the size of tree trunks. Once the vile that is attached to the ring is filled with a specially designed liquid, the simple press of a button releases the pheromones into the air, averting everyone’s attention away from the beer belly or thunder thighs, making them see the attractive, sexy guy/girl you really are (although this will only last until the pheromone smell goes). *Disclaimer: It is still unlikely you will find a supermodel. Laws of averages, sorry guys/girls.
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