FEATURE
WORDS Grace Ryan, material girl ILLUSTRATION Hermione Benest
Once upon a time, the Isle of Man had an economy that remained afloat on British families who thought an exotic destination was one that involved getting on a boat. Our people weren’t wealthy, but we were happy with what we had. Our Cinderella story came in the form of the finance industry, which transformed our humble Island virtually overnight into a glittering pumpkin of high society parties and ostentatious wealth. I’ve heard it said that it resembles something from The Great Gatsby, but I’ve had a permanent champagne hangover since back then, so haven’t had a chance to get much reading done beyond back issues of Tatler. What I do know is that the Isle of Man’s realm of beautiful people can be a difficult place to live if you lack the means to provide yourself with the kind of lifestyle you know
Tip #1: get a job, but not a real job
you deserve. I’m ashamed to reveal that my parents were upper-middle class at best – if I hadn’t disowned them at 16 years old there was a chance I might have had to work for a living. Instead, to fulfil my dreams of becoming a society princess, I was forced to marry into money two or three times, but unfortunately girls and boys these days will discover that a good sugar daddy can be hard to find. A combination of watertight prenuptial agreements and more efficient heart medicine has
Work? Shocking, I know. But before you recoil in horror, understand that I don’t mean anything as demeaning as doing any actual labour. It is important to remember that wealth is mostly about appearances, so the last thing you want to do is give the impression of actually needing to earn money for yourself. Your task is to create a convincing outward impression of success, so at best you should get a job that mostly involves looking glamorous and meeting wealthy people, like a charity fundraiser or botox clinic receptionist. The graft element manifests itself whilst constructing an elaborate lifestyle for yourself that you can still afford (perhaps with the help of a credit card) but that will convince those wealthy people that you deserve to spend time in their radiant presence. A nice little job is a win-win, even if you don’t work your way into a billionaire’s hot tub. At the very least, you’ll have money to pay credit card interest and will fool other less-rich people into thinking you’re just a tiny bit above them, which is better than nothing.
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dramatically reduced your chances of becoming a merry widow in your late twenties. I have a shocking message for today’s aspiring gold diggers: If you want to squeeze your way into high society you’re going to need to do a bit more than wander around Douglas in Manolos and a miniskirt.
Tip #2: appearances are deceptive, darling
As I’ve said, wealth is mostly about surface detail. Rich people may appear to be very good at not noticing poor people, but in reality they are finely attuned to signals that might indicate you can’t afford to buy a round of drinks at Bath & Bottle. To stand a hope of blending in, you must camouflage yourself like sci-fi jungle hunter, The Predator. But tailor the look so it would appear that The Predator had an account card at Harrods. I wouldn’t actually waste money on real luxury clothes, as the same sweatshops that make them usually do a pretty nifty line of bootlegs available to anybody who knows how to surf the Internet in Chinese. A wiser investment in your future would involve a few hundred quid’s worth of costume jewellery, a wardrobe full of knock-off Chanel and so much plastic surgery and fake hair that you’re a fire hazard under strong lights.
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