September 1 2003
Wednesday 3 September BBC1
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgmental 1.00 BBC News 1.40 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 BBC News 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 Animal Arc 4.20 Watch My Chops 4.35 Yo! Diary I’d hope that my nine-year-old self would never have been sad enough to watch something called Yo! Diary. For fcuk’s sake, CBBC, have some shame! 4.55 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround 5.30 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Weakest Link 7.50 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 8.00 Airport Miami 9.00 Shops, Robbers and Videotape 10.00 BBC News 10.35 The Vicar of Dibley 11.15 FILM: Teaching Mrs Tingle Ooh, I never saw this but Yank high school comedydramas, especially those featuring the delectable Katie Holmes, are always worth a look if you’re bored. 12.50 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 1.20 Sign Zone: Crowded Skies 2.20 Sign Zone: Smart Sharks: Swimming with Roboshark 3.20 Sign Zone: Intensive Scares 4.20 Sign Zone: Bargain Hunt 4.50 Joins BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Bringing Home the Bacon 6.30 CBeebies 7.00 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 11.25 FILM: Criminal Court 12.25 FILM: The Armored Car Robbery 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: Every Day's a Holiday 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featuring Oasis (tossers - shoot on sight), the Shamen (wikkid - I know someone who’s only just ‘got’ Ebeneezer Goode, though), Bon Jovi (horrifying), Housemartins (OK-ish), Bellamy Brothers (who?), Ocean Colour Scene (die!), Phil Collins (DIE!) and Zoe (oh my god early 90s rave CLASSIC which i haven’t heard for YEARS). 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 homeground: Calendar Girls 8.00 The Life Laundry 8.30 How I Made My Property Fortune 9.00 Would You Buy a Used Car from This Man? 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 BBC Four Highlights on BBC Two: The Strange World of Barry Who? 12.25 The Witness 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: In Search of Certainty 1.00 Acid Politics 1.50 What Have the 90s Ever Done for Us? *feels ancient* 2.00 Youth Nation: Private Worlds 4.00 Languages: Buongiorno Italia! 7-8 5.00 Skills for Life: Switched On
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: The Seven Deadly Sins 10.30 This Morning 11.30 Loose Women 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Medics of the Glen 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Renovation 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.30 Invader Zim 4.00 Starfinder 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 FILM: The Full Monty 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 FILM: The Full Monty Oh god, fugly naked men. Ain’t nothing funny about that. When the fittest man around is Robert Carlyle... well, TV Desk is unimpressed, anyway. (Yes, it’s not the point of the film, but it damn well should be.) 11.15 Personal Services Including the 50-year-old prostitute who works from home and earns £7,000 a month. Good Lord, she’s old enough to be your mother. Maybe she is. 11.50 Redcoats Fly-on-theblah docu-blah about Butlins blah. Watch them signally fail to provide even half the amusement of their club rep counterparts (which, believe me, is very very little amusement indeed). 12.15 CD:UK Hotshots 12.40 Nash Bridges 1.30 The Machine 1.55 Today with Des and Mel 2.45 FILM: Assignment Redhead 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News
6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Judgmental 1.00 BBC News 1.40 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.20 BBC News 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.15 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.30 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.45 Cavegirl 4.55 Rule the School Ha, am so looking forward to the freshers who used to rule their schools discovering that, well, no one gives a shit any more. I laugh in your faces. 5.20 Newsround 5.30 CBBC at the Fame Academy 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Garden SOS 8.30 FILM: Space Cowboys 10.00 BBC News 10.35 FILM: Space Cowboys Geriatric Clint Eastwood plays at being an astronaut. OK, so this film looks like the most horrendously bad thing ever. 11.10 FILM: Deadly Pursuit 1.00 FILM: Puppet on a Chain 2.30 BBC News 24
6.00 Open University: Paris and the New Mathematics 6.30 CBeebies 7.00 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 11.00 FILM: Flying down to Rio 12.30 Working Lunch 1.05 Trade Secrets 1.15 FILM: The Girl Most Likely 2.50 The Flying Gardener 3.00 Country House 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 6.45 Malcolm in the Middle 7.30 History Hunters 8.00 Time Commanders 9.00 Seven Wonders of the Industrial World: The Great Ship 9.50 The Highest Bidder 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Taboo I remember this being very entertaining, if only for the scenes of Joan Bakewell using a pixillated erection as a prop. That should happen more on TV. 12.00 Red Dwarf 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: Rough Science 1.00 Truth Will Out 1.15 Leg before Cricket 1.30 Galapagos: Research in the Field 2.00 More than Meets the Eye 2.30 A Future with Aids 3.00 Fighting for Space 3.30 Rough Science 4.00 Languages: Buongiorno Italia! 9-10 5.00 Skills for Life: Skillswise: Good Practice
Fifth Test: England v South Africa S4C 10.30am
Film: The Full Monty ITV1 10.30pm
6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.00 FILM: The Baby and the Battleship 11.35 Friends 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 A Place in the Sun 2.15 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.15 Planed Plant: Mali O 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 The City Gardener 5.30 How Clean Is Your House? 6.00 No 57: The History of a House 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Taith i Uffern: Stori Edgar Christian 9.30 Dying to Be Apart Intimate report on the recent attempt to separate the conjoined Iranian twins, Laden and Laleh Bijani. Heroines of our times. 10.30 Other People's Houses 11.30 Brookside 1.00 Infamous Fives 1.30 Perfect Match: New York 2.30 Coming Up: Fierce 3.00 FILM: Under the Sand Psychological drama with Charlotte Rampling, i.e. damn good and possibly very rude in places. French accents = sexiest things ever...
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Barney 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Charlie's Angels 3.40 FILM: Vows of Deception 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Mikey decides to see if he can fly. Er, dude, you’re in Home And Away - don’t you think this is getting above yourself a bit? 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Heroes of World War II: The Man Who Designed the Spitfire 8.00 Kamikaze in Colour 9.00 Genius of the Vikings: Masters of Strategy 10.00 Myra: The Making of a Monster It’s MYRA! TV Desk *hearts* Myra Hindley. A true modern icon. 11.30 The FBI Files: Blood Brothers 12.20 Major League Baseball 3.30 Major League Rounders Replay: St Louis Cardinals v Atlanta Braves 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax ...second only to Russian accents, of course.
6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha: The Seven Deadly Sins 10.30 This Morning 11.30 Loose Women 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Medics of the Glen 1.30 Quincy, ME 2.30 Renovation Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.15 Tiny Planets 3.30 Invader Zim 4.00 Starfinder 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.05 You've Been Framed! 5.30 I Want That House 6.00 HTV News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Sweet Medicine 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tin Gods?: Welsh Rugby: The Crying Game A subtitle which refers to a film about transvestitism and closet homosexuality? That is so, so apt for a documentary on rugby. 11.00 Tarrant on TV 11.30 Jigsaw 12.00 Turn On Terry 12.25 Take the Mike 12.55 Sting in Profile ...looks no better than Sting face-on. What is about him which provokes that involuntary ‘ew!’ reaction? Maybe the tantric sex. Maybe the dull-ass music. Maybe the wizened features. 1.20 Charlie's Angels Back in Town 1.40 Cybernet 2.10 Motorsport UK 2.35 Mixmasters 3.05 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed! 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News OK, so Beyoncé’s remix of In Da Club is still the best thing ever. “My nails, my hair, my diamond rings” - oh yes, you go girl.
6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.30 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa 12.45 The Lunch Break 1.25 Cricket: Fifth Test: England v South Africa Fcuk me, over seven hours of cricket is NOT ON, y’hear me? No one needs that much sleep in the middle of the day. You know those Channel 4 trailers where it was all speeded up and set to banging techno music? If cricket was actually played at that pace, then it might be interesting. Might. Until then, it can fuck right off. Go out and enjoy the sunshine today, kids! 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Be'wnaeth Brynle Nesa? 9.00 Pen Tennyn 9.30 No Going Back: A Year in Tuscany 10.00 That'll Teach 'Em I keep meaning to watch this, but forget every week. Sorry, I don’t watch much TV it’s a trait which has served me well as TV editor. 11.05 Masters and Servants Way to cement social divisions and perpetuate the Class War, Channel 4. Have a gold star. 12.35 Today at the Test: England v South Africa 1.05 Monkey 1.55 Gods in the Sky 2.55 FILM: Masoom Oops, have deleted the blurb for this film so can’t tell you what it’s about. It’s directed by Shekhar Kapur though, which is a good sign. Watch and learn!
6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 8.55 Barney 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Charlie's Angels 3.35 FILM: Long John Silver 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 What Women Want 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Help Me Rhonda Life coach Rhonda Britten inspires losers with no conception of the word ‘self-sufficiency’ to conquer their fears and change their lives. I hope she’s a complete charlatan and these people find thir lives irredeemably fcuked up. 9.00 FILM: Face/Off 11.35 Hollywood Sex 12.35 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 1.15 Dutch Football 2.45 Argentinian Football 4.15 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.50 US Major League Soccer: Dallas Burn v LA Galaxy TV Desk is brought to you on a soundtrack of Dizzee Rascal, Thea Gilmore, Pet Shop Boys, Saint Etienne, Beyoncé, Tori Amos, Sean Paul and The White Stripes, and a diet of salmon and cucumber sandwiches and a rather delicious tarte aux citrons. Thank-you and goodnight.
Thursday 4 September
Published on Aug 31, 2003