September 1 2003
Your essential guide to this week’s TV. 1 September - 7 September
Super-Duper Fresher Extravaganza Well I’ve been dragged out of retirement for this so it must be special.
HOT Beyonce, oh Beyonce how I wish I could be in between those thighs. I think those thighs should have their own little section on TOTP, you’ve heard of smell’o’vision, we could call it lick’o’vision. Crikey, time for a cold shower.
SOAPS Neighbours continues in a similar vein (surprise!) with Boyd getting increasingly twatty. Get a haircut you little oik, and some acting lessons while you’re at it. In Coronation Street, Tracy (slapper!) holds Hayley and Roy to ransom over her “love child” threatening to abort the sprog unless they cough up £20,000. Quite why Hayley would want to raise the offspring of a common strumpet and a man who looks like he should be hiding under bridges and scaring goats is beyond me. Not that she’s exactly an oil painting mind. Billy comes clean to Kat this week in Eastenders. Oh no! Ferretface has discovered he’s not a criminal genius, and now he’s gonna cry like baby. Pussy!
Hello Freshers, my name used to be TV Steve but now I chase the yankee dollar and my name is just plain Steve. I’ve returned from my self enforced exile from the GR office (all that free pizza was making me bloated) to write one last section just for you little scamps.. Teachers (Septemeber 1, S4C, 10.35pm) Behold the folly of S4C! If you’ve been watching this on Channel Four you’ll have already seen this episode, but as there’s nowt else on tonight so I’ll review it anyway and those of you are new to it’s delights can catch up, can’t you? That said it’s nowhere as good as the last series with the excellent Andrew Lincoln (he be Egg from from This Life) taking a sabbatical to concentrate on other stuff, the centre stage has been taken by Kurt and Brian. They both do an admirable job with Brian in particular getting some great lines, “Get up you big gay baby” being a particular favourite of mine. Sadly though the plots don’t seem as engrossing as last year and this episode, in which Liz takes pity on Bob whose wife has thrown him out of their marital home to make room for a younger lover, is a good example of how it seems to have a bit wayward. Amusing but not essential viewing. At Home with the Eubanks (September 2, five, 8pm). Oh dear, it seems an ex-boxer has tasted the elixir of celebrity..and he wants more. Chris Eubank would be wise to look at the failed flirtation with celebrity of a certain Mr Frank Bruno. There is only so long you can lampoon your tough
SATELLITE:CABLE:DIGITAL LIVING ISN’T EASY - but then, neither is death, and mixing and matching the two is even harder. As is proved rather magnificently by the return of Six Feet Under (10pm, Thursday 4 September, E4). With dialogue as sharp as Vermeer, characters whose many eccentricities are perfectly balanced by their helpless normality and plots which steer their way through the minefields of living, loving and dying with exquisite pace and touch, there’s currently nothing to rival it. E4 viewers, look smug right now: not only have you been spared agonising over the cliffhanger ending of the second series, but you get to revel in all of these morbid delights for the next few months. Meanwhile, by the time you read this the US Open (Eurosport) will be halfway to its conclusion. TV Desk’s picks to take the last chance at Grand Slam glory of 2003 are Justine Henin-Hardenne and Andy Roddick, but watch out for pert Russian starlet and future champion Maria “I don’t want to be a loser like Anna” Sharapova along with her many wondrous compatriots - and sexy French Open winner Juan Carlos Ferrero as dark horses. Ah, tennis, truly the king of sports. Unbeatable.
guy image by appearing in panto or in Eubank’s case dressing like a prize tosser. Soon people will realise you’re not all sparkling wit and smiling at granny ‘nice-ness’ and remember that you used to beat people up as for living. This fly-on-the-wall documentary series follows Mr Eubank in his daily life. One expects a morning to trip to the newsagents to buy The Chap before a exhausting afternoon of monocle and jodpur shopping. After making a bit of a tit of himself on Celebrity Big Brother a n d W h e n Louis Met Chris Eubank, why Eubank is again thrusting himself in the limelight is beyond most people’s reason. Perhaps he thinks his show will be the new Osbournes? Perhaps someone should tell him it’s on five. The Full Monty (September 3, ITV1, 9pm). Yes, yes, you’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, we’ve all seen it, even my nan. But lets embrace a rare gem here, a true diamond in the rough; a British film which is actually pretty good. The plot might almost be typically American; a group of men overcome the all odds blah, blah. Yet solid (as always) performances from the likes of Robert Carlyle, Tom Wilkinson, Hugo Speer and Mark Addy really lift this film to respectable heights. No cock though despite the title.
Taboo (September 4, BBC2, 11.20pm) Slim pickings for today so I’m reduced to choosing a repeat. It’s worth watching just to see Joan Bakewell politely mumsying her way around while all kinds of degradation erupts around her. Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights (September 5, S4C, 10.50pm) Still one the best things on TV at the moment. I keep finding myself singing Jerry’s version of Men In Black (Black Binbags) to myself in the shower. But I am a tad disturbed. “Just rip with me and tear with me...”
The slanging match (read publicity opportunity) between Jodie Marsh and Jordan is getting right on my noninflated mammaries. The pair of you only have one talent, or two each to be more accurate.
SPORT Inter national Football Live: Italy v Wales (September 6,BBC2, 7.10pm) Should be epic..
VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY Poppin’ a cap in the ass of America’s fetish for the gun, satirist Michael Moore uses the massacre at Columbine highschool as his starting point for asking some tough questions in BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE. As in his TV programs, Moore is never afraid to tackle tragedy with comedy and go from the sublime to the ridiculous. His journey for some answers takes him to deepest Wackoville to talk shop with some gun lovin’ loonies like the Michigan Militia and Charlton “from my cold, dead hands” Heston. Moore’s strength is he doesn’t try to make sense of situation instead he just presents it as it is. And he certainly taps into the strange mentality of middle America, a world where Marilyn Manson has more formed and sensible opinions than a Oscar winning actor. A country where any citizen can walk down to his local KMart and buy some automatic ammunition and as an incentive to open a new bank account, you get a free gun. Also worth a look is City of God by acclaimed Brazilian director Fernando Meirelles. The film tells the story of a group of youngsters growing up Rio’s slums.
Experience the comedy/tragedy of England v South Africa: The Fifth Test (From 10.30am, all week, Channel 4/S4C). Marvel as England snatch defeat from the jaws of victory again and again. Be dazzled by “Fat Freddy” Flintoff’s “townie” earing...
FILMS A thin week to be honest, but one redeemed by the presence of Eve’s Bayou (1.15am, Friday 5 September, BBC2), a sultry, steamy drama set in 1962 Louisiana which features astonishing performances from Samuel L Jackson and an 11-year-old Jurnee Smollett.
RADIO WELL, TV DESK doesn’t listen to the radio that much. I’ve got a great CD collection, thanks, I’ll stick to that. Nevertheless, sometimes encounters with Radio 1 are unavoidable: when you can’t be arsed to change the CD, when you just need to hear Crazy In Love (uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh oh-no-no!). What a fcuking embarrassment that station is, eh? Sara Cox is now their least annoying DJ - let me repeat that, LEAST annoying, because at least she’s perky and gorgeous. Unlike the sycophantic Jo Whiley, the (literally) overgrown schoolboy Moyles (ugh), that hideous double-headed Collnanaydit monster (who somehow contrive to make the Scottish accent sound bad) and most of all, that stupid cnut Wes Butters. Damn them. Damn them all.