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MIDCOAST EDITION

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FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013

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Midcoast Maine’s Monthly Funnies Newspaper! Your Local Source for Comics, Puzzles, Word Games, and Humor Columns! To Advertise, email heather@nachotree.com or call 557-3261

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by MARK PARISI

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BIZ

CAPTION CONTEST

Congratulations to last issue’s winner, Gregory W. Peet, 56, of Thomaston, who submitted the following caption to last issue’s contest: “As your Realtor, I recommend that your offer is contingent on a satisfactory home inspection.” Send your best caption to this week’s contest to: chris@nachotree.com and type “Caption Contest” in the subject line. The winning captions will be published in the next issue with the winner’s name, age and city with permission. Void where prohibited.

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Come and invite your friends for clean and funny comedy and music that will entertain teenagers and adults of all ages. Although young children are not prohibited, this would be a great opportunity for you to find a sitter for the evening, since children can often compete with the entertainer for the audience's attention. There are no ticket fees for the Spokes and Jokes Tour. Chris is relying upon your generosity to donate whatever you feel is fair to help him on his journey.

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Saturday, January 26, 2013 7:00-8:30pm

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2 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013


BC

by MASTROIANNI AND HART

Country Styles FAMILY HAIR CARE 161 Lang Hill Highway, Brooks

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TUNDRA

by CHAD CARPENTER

FACT OR FICTION? *Did you know that laughing lowers stress hormone levels and strengthens your immune system? *Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day whereas adults may only laugh 15 to 100 times a day. *The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

EEK!

by SCOTT NICKEL

print & digital design Chris & Heather Quimby chris@nachotree.com | heather@nachotree.com www.funnies-extra-maine.com 91 Lang Hill Highway, Brooks, Maine 04921 (Chris) 207.557.3251 (Heather) 207.557.3261 Office Hours: Monday - Friday, 9-5 Eastern Time Deadlines: Thurs during prior week of Wed circulation

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The views and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the publisher, advertisers or employees of NachoTree Print & Digital Design. NachoTree Print & Digital Design is not responsible for any advertising errors beyond the first printing of any Display Ad. Additional contributor information can be found on the website URL’s above. Contents of this publication may not be reproduced or copied without permission from Funnies Extra, LLC. © 2012 Funnies Extra!, LLC. All rights reserved.

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by TIM THOMSON

HARA KIWI

by LECTRR

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Answers from last issue’s Sudoku

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© 2011 Lectrr / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

by BRIAN MARTIN STRANGER THINGS

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IMAGINE THAT


by TOM GAMMILL

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*Would you believe that chewing gum while peeling onions will prevent tears from forming? *The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal. *Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

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Funnies Extra is looking for a motivated, trustworthy and respectful individual to present our fun publication to prospective advertisers.

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WORD FIND Musical Instruments BY MIA VONNE

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SQUID ROW

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JUDY BROSSMER judybrossmer@tcreal.com 207.338.3500 x121 (office) ( ffi ) 207.322.3392 (mobile) ( b 207.338.0192 (fax) 800.860.0528 (toll free)


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by JIM & PAT McGREAL Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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s Extra! are consumed Thousands of copies of Funnie ps, restaurants, auto sho monthly in hotels, diners, coffee ans’ offices, dental sici repair shops, hospitals, phy nies Extra! appeals to Fun in tent con practices, etc. The antage of this unique and consumers of all ages. Take adv communities and beyond r fun way to reach citizens in you ss and enjoy excellent ine bus r with the message of you s for up-front payment! repeat discounts and great saving

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VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 7


WIZARD OF ID

by PARKER & MASTROIANNI & HART

Ring of F Open Mouth, Insert Foot Jim Lein

HOLY MOLÉ

by RICK HOTTON Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

DOGS OF C-KENNEL

by MICK & MASON MASTROIANNI

HALF BAKED

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8 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013

by RICK ELLIS

Years ago, Tom invited me on a fly fishing trip with half a dozen other guys. I barely knew him. The others were total strangers. I had never fly fished and I don’t eat fish but he was an important client at the time. I thought it would be good for business. With the top down on my spanking new Jeep, I cruised over four mountain passes on a mesmerizing June afternoon. The group converged on a rustic mountain cabin overlooking the sparkling Taylor River. The cabin soon looked like a scene from Animal House— clothes, food, gear, and half-empty beverages scattered everywhere. Over the long weekend, we spent more time getting ready to fish then we did fishing. We’d sit around the campfire late into the night. During the day, we’d take turns sneaking off for a ‘Rip Van Winkle’—a covert nap from which you awaken wondering, “Who am I and what year is it?” We spent Saturday evening at nearby Crested Butte in a smoky pub pretending that Tom was Don Johnson and the rest of us his entourage. On the drive home, I decided next year would be different—fewer extra-curricular activities; more adventure. The next June I brought along Dan. We’d been swapping stories and decided it was time to share an adventure. Turns out he wasn’t who I thought he was. Picture Dr. Frasier Crane on a mountain bike. We arrived at the cabin late in the evening after a side trip into town for Pinot Grigio paired with gouda cheese and 7 grain stoneground crackers. The campfire festivities were in full swing. “Cabins are for wusses,” I declared. Dan and I set up a tent a mile downstream where I spent a sleepless night with the river roaring in my ears, pondering—as I am prone to do—the impending Apocalypse. Dan donned earplugs and an eye mask from his Lufthansa first class airline amenity kit, crushed half an Ambien into a cup of Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea, and slept like a baby. We rose early, biked over to the cabin, and rousted the others out of their cushy beds. “Up and at ‘em!” I announced. “We’re kayaking the Taylor!” They were surprisingly receptive. Meanwhile, Dan fussed around the cluttered cabin. “Why does everyone just throw all their (expletive deleted) on this table?” he scolded. True, the dining table was cluttered with open bags of taco chips, questionable

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by ADRIAN RAESIDE

RALF THE DESTROYER

by SCOTT LINCOLN

SUNSHINE STATE

by GRAHAM NOLAN Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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magazines, empty beer bottles, and a pair of crumpled boxers emblazoned with, “Got Gas?” The room fell momentarily silent. “Because we can?” ventured Dave, still dozing on the futon. Dan huffed over to the kitchen, snapped on rubber gloves, and attacked the stack of dirty dishes. On the walk to the river guide’s van, Nat asked, “Is this dangerous? I had a bad experience in the water when I was a little boy.” I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “It’s just Class II rapids. Don’t sweat it.” We drove upstream to the launch site and lined up for the guide’s standard river safety lecture which Dan subsequently turned into a morning inspection of the troops. Personally, I was quite proud of my comrades—rank amateurs outfitted in matching wet suits, helmets, and life vests—all lined up and leaning on kayak paddles. Inexplicably, the launch point was a gap in the bushes on a steep hillside where the water rushed by like it was on its way to a fire. One by one, the guide helped each guest into their kayak with the command, “just ride the current until you get to that eddy around the corner and wait there”. As soon as the guide let go of the stern, each kayak launched in the river like a pebble out of a slingshot. Nat was last. He shot forward, t-boned a boulder, flipped over, swam to the opposite shore, and hitchhiked back to the lodge. That night, I abandoned snoring Dan at the tent, drove over to the cabin, and joined the rest of the guys at the campfire. They were halfway through a farting contest and bragging about their college girlfriends. The next year, my old college buddy Wild Man took Dan’s place. He’s hosted many interesting activities over the years such as Paintball at the OK Corral and Pick-Axe Hurling. This year’s trip is in the books. Those who were once strangers are now brothers. We’ve shared a dozen years of life experiences—divorces, career traumas, parenting challenges. Our theme song is Ring of Fire. On the final evening we play it loud and sing along, toasting each other across the flames of a roaring campfire. Yes, each one of us has literally fallen into a burning ring of fire at some time or the other. Those cheap camp chairs are shaky. Each time someone goes down you reach in, pull him out, dust him off, and move on. Some got singed worse than others. But each of us knows there always has been— always will be—the steady hand of a friend to pull you out of the flame.

THE OTHER COAST

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

ng of Fire

PICKLES

by BRIAN CRANE

Jim Lein writes about adventure, life, music, and parenthood for lifestyle magazines including Colorado Serenity and Mountain Gazette. His home in the Colorado Rockies serves both as an office and as a base camp for a variety of outdoor and musical activities. On the side, he makes his living writing about how companies employ software to improve business performance. He has been published in numerous trade journals and business magazines.

VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 9

R B Y other had clien the t tain p on a The food O fish t nigh Wink am I Cres son a next more T ries wasn tain trip i stone “Cab down my e lypse first Cele W out o kaya whil just True ques boxe silen Dan tacke O ous? place Don for th ly tu quite wet s padd a ste a fire with arou the s sling over T the c halfw girlfr Dan such year broth es, c Fire. each of us the o goes Som alwa pull


A Message from the Publisher Guy Chris Quimby is a husband, father, and publisher of Funnies Extra in Maine. A graphic designer and standup comedian, Chris has over ten years experience in the print industry. Chris and his wife, Heather, are excited to offer Funnies Extra to Maine, offering a fun and attractive departure from the norm. Chris can be reached at chris@chrisQuimby.com or facebook.com/ChrisQuimby

Resolving to Not Have a Resolution by Chris Quimby I’ve never been one to develop a New Years Resolution. That is not to say I do not think I should make changes to improve my life. In fact, I showered a couple of days ago without even being told it was necessary. I actually am a firm believer that we’d all benefit from taking a deep inventory of our own lives and modifying the areas that need it. I just feel that it should happen whenever I am motivated, not just on January 1. For example, I have been on many diets in my life. One of the more recent ones began the day after I drove over a pothole in my car and my chest jiggled. This was, to that point, something I had not experienced in my life. I was born a man and have been one throughout my life. Such a jiggle should not naturally happen to those of my gender. Unfortunately, my physique was crafted by Ben and Jerry. I do realize that I am in constant need of improvement and, with that in mind, I will now list the top five possible considerations for change that I may or may not ever instigate in my life.

(1) NASTY FACEBOOK SCRABBLE HABIT A few months ago, I began playing online Scrabble through Facebook. If

you haven’t heard of it, Facebook is a website that offers users the convenience of more easily letting people know when they’ve gone to the gym or have thrown up. You can also play games through the site. Years ago I was strung out on Farmville until one day, when experiencing an urgency to finish my real life responsibilities so I could harvest my Farmville strawberries, I finally developed the clarity of mind to realize that THERE ARE ACTUALLY NO STRAWBERRIES! They were not real, but my status as a loser was. Scrabble is more intellectually stimulating, but I am now at the point where my teenaged children are consistently beating me. While I am happy for them that they are winning, I am sad for me that I am losing.

(2) DISGUSTINGLY DIRTY CAR INTERIOR My Pontiac Grand Am tends to get disgusting on the inside every few months. I am usually pretty comfortable with this, since the outside looks disgusting, too. I fear that if I too greatly improve the looks of the interior, I will present an inconsistent total car look, confusing the general public as to the image I am going for. Every few months I grow motivated enough to shovel out all of the apple cores and

Pop Tart wrappers and see if I can find the carpet. Usually, though, as long as I’m still able to push the accelerator to the floor, I can deal with the stench by rolling down the window or holding my breath on shorter trips.

(3) EMBARRASSING MY CHILDREN My children are thirteen and fourteen years old. I think they think we are cooler than we actually are, but that’s only sometimes. They often get a clearer view of how embarrassing we can be. For example, my wife recently wanted to wear a pair of pointy elf ears to our family’s viewing of The Hobbit, but my son wouldn’t allow it. Additionally, I oftentimes break out into The Cuddle Dance. This is a dance I made up one evening at home. I do not remember how it got its name, but I’m pretty sure it makes no sense. During The Cuddle Dance, I just smile a lot and improvise a joyous, yet disturbing jig. I have yet to break this dance out in full view of anyone outside of my own home. However, if I ever need to humiliate my children in an emergency, it’s nice to know it’s available.

(4) BEING MORE LOVING TO MY WIFE

Stover Boy’s Auto 722-3668 Nate Stover

Automotive Maintenance Auto Repair Gravel

Rt. 7 Waldo, ME

10 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013

Ian Stover

The best way for me to communicate love to my wife is not to do so verbally. Instead, she responds better to thoughtful gestures, like writing poetry, cleaning the house or holding in flatulence. I should make better efforts to express my love for her in ways it’s better received, perhaps trying to complete all of the three aforementioned tasks simultaneously.

(5) EATING FOOD THAT DOES NOT TASTE GOOD I have a bad habit of eating foods that I enjoy, many of which come in a bag and are very crunchy. Unfortunately, many of these choices slowly kill me. For this reason, I really should eat more foods that I have no interest in, like vegetables and fruit. Many people will often keep plastic fruit on their tables for some reason. This has always confused me, but I suppose it makes sense, since probably many people aren’t tempted to actually eat fruit. If, however, homemakers were to display plastic Snickers Bars or Doritos, many people would need to be taken immediately to the hospital. Those are just a few of the many things I should change in my life. I could come up with a much longer list, and my wife would be able to fill in anything that I missed. In 2013, regardless of how awesome you think you are, I encourage you to look into the mirror and consider what you might do to improve your own life. Setting your sights on a respectable goal and persevering to that end is a great way to add quality to your existence, And a fantastic reason to celebrate with The Cuddle Dance.


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Email cards to chris@nachotree.com or send through the US Postal Service to NachoTree Design, 91 Lang Hill Highway, Brooks, Maine 04921. Please enclose check for the first month of advertising made out to NachoTree Design with submission unless you wish to be billed. Call 207.557.3251 with questions.

warm those toes

FACT OR FICTION? *Did you know that Stannous fluoride, which is the cavity fighter found in toothpaste, is made from recycled tin? *When you walk down a steep hill, the pressure on your knees is equal to three times your body weight. *The human brain is 80% water. by DANIEL BORIS

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HOXWINDER HALL

15 MINUTES

by ROBERT DUCKETT © 2011 Robert Duckett / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

COLBURN SHOE STORE | 338.1934 Downtown Belfast | Open Every Day!

www.ColburnShoe.com | Like us on Facebook

VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 11


by WERNER WEJP-OLSEN

THIN LINES

by Randy Glasbergen © 2011 Jason Dodge / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

CRIME-QUIZ

© 2011 Werner Wejp-Olsen / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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207.722.3023


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LAST MONTH’S ANSWERS

Consider a supplemental heater for that cold room!

thompsonsoil.com 207.342.4040 1376 Waterville Road, Waldo, Maine

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

For answers, visit funnies-extra.com/puzzles.php © 2011 Sheila Anderson / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 13


Funnies Extra! will feature at least four straight issues of comic strips and panels from aspiring, non-syndicated cartoonists. Comic strips or cartoon panels may be published from cartoonists of any age, with a short bio. For submission guidelines and information, go to: www.funnies-extra.com/submissions. Send each furnished strip as a PDF file along with your name, age, address and phone number. Send 5 to 10 color submissions to: submissions@funnies-extra.com and type “Spotlight” in the subject line. Good luck and have fun! (participation void where prohibited) HOLLYWEIRD

by MARK SIMON Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

Quimby Appraisal

Right of Way ServiceS LLC

Ray Quimby Certified General Appraiser Certified Maine Assessor

21 Quimby Road Brooks, ME 04921 rowray@fairpoint.net 207.722.3247 (phone, fax) 207.557.3201 (cell)

MARK SIMON Producer/Director/Cartoonist Mark Simon is 25-year film & TV veteran amassing over 3,000 production credits including animation producer on Larry the Cable Guy’s latest movie, Tooth Fairy 2. His storyboard and animation companies, www.Storyboards-East.com, have included clients such as Disney, Universal, Viacom, Sony, HBO, Nickelodeon, FOX, Steven Spielberg, USA Networks, ABC Television and many others. His experience selling original TV series lead to his founding www. SellYourTvConceptNow.com to mentor other creators. He is also the author of ten popular industry texts, and lectures around the world at major conferences, entertainment trade schools and universities.

POCKET LINT

by CHUCK DOWNS

CHUCK DOWNS Cartoonist Haikus amuse me But sometimes can confuse me Refrigerator

Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

I always find random things in my pockets at the end of the day: paper clips, gum wrappers, dry cleaning receipts and the ever-present lint. These drawings are what’s left in my head when the day is done: the random “pocket lint” of my brain.

14 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013

Chuck Downs is a carbon-based form of cartoonist who lives in Florida with his wife and two children. By day, he is vice president of marketing for a company that clearly does not conduct very thorough background checks. By night, he fights crime. Now that he is older, his experience only walks the gamut for fear of pulling a hamstring. He often “misuses” quotation marks, and likes to frequently split his infinitives.


The Weekly Crossword 2

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by Margie E. Burke

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67 Kind of division 68 Playing with a full deck 69 Apt to pout 70 Counter current 71 Otherwise

Answers month’s crossword Answerto to last Last Week's Crossword

S P U M E

T E N O N

D O D O

E V E N

A L O E

B E T T E A R N T O I R C A T P O E R L I T O

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I D E S N I S E I

E N S C O N C E

L O N E

A N O N

N E W T

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E N S U E

D E T E R

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www.kswfcu.org 135 WALDO AVENUE, BELFAST, ME 04915 | (207)338-5160 FAX: (207)338-6129 222 COLLEGE AVENUE, WATERVILLE, ME 04901 | (207)872-5602 FAX: (207)872-5776

SPECTICKLES

by BILL ABBOTT THE DEEP END

by TYSON COLE

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27 Temporary state 28 Urban's opposite 29 End of the Greek alphabet 30 Hard to miss 32 Censor sound 33 Sailor's vacation DOWN 34 Keyboard key 1 Old VHS 37 Cook's need 40 Plane part alternative 2 D.C. office 42 Transparent 3 Big name in PC's 44 Tear apart 4 Set up tents 45 Sneeze inducer 5 Sooner or later 48 Cheap and 6 At any time gaudy 7 Spine-tingling 50 Type of tax 8 Unstable 52 Ceded a seat 9 Scoreboard 54 Did some laps 55 Game on display 10 Beard on grain horseback 11 Social slight 56 Mate or mobile 12 Protagonist starter 13 Surface 58 Horse height unit 59 Exam format measure 21 "_____ Mia!" 60 Pen residents 22 Opera solo 61 Leg joint 26 Word before 63 Batted first, with five or dive "off"

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ACROSS 1 Foretell 5 Leak slowly 9 Old Turkish title 14 Tied, scorewise 15 Hand-fist connector 16 Deed holder 17 Bath powder 18 Nothing but 19 Get used to 20 Top athlete 23 Feathered scarf 24 "Spy vs. Spy" magazine 25 Mars' neighbor 27 Stagehand 31 Eliciting laughter 35 U2 album, "Rattle and ___" 36 Mr. Magoo's malady 38 Country singer Campbell 39 Concert venue 41 Far-many link 42 Use marked cards, e.g. 43 Type of palm 44 Ceremonial act 46 Morn's opposite 47 Waistband material 49 Surprise success 51 Roof part 53 So. Cal. airport 54 Health resort 57 Rooster on a roof 62 Is willing to 64 Wild hog 65 Golf club 66 Raise a hem, perhaps

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© 2011 Bill Abbott / Distributed by Ink Bottle Syndicate, LLC

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VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013 | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | 15


SPEED BUMP

Make your ads stand out and get read even more by having them drawn as cartoons!

by DAVE COVERLY

CHUCKLE BROS by BRIAN & RON BOYCHUCK

Local illustrator and Tastes Like Chicken creator, Josh Alves, will recreate your ad for a one-time, flat fee. This offer is available to any Funnies Extra advertisers with 8 issue agreements.

AFTER Chris Quimby | 207.557.3251 | chris@nachotree.com

KARMA CAFE

by RICHARD CROSS and BILL ABBOTT

16 | FUNNIES EXTRA! MIDCOAST EDITION | www.funnies-extra-maine.com | VOL 11 - JANUARY 2013

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Funnies Extra Maine - Janaury 2013 Issue  

Funnies Extra is a free, full color 16-page tabloid filled with funnies and puzzles. Thousands of copies of Funnies Extra! are read monthly...