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TABLE of CONTENTS 34 28 12

on the COVER 42 Carmelita Couture 12 Emerson 35 Lauren Conrad

FASHION 6 8 10 12 14 18 21 23 34 51

Accessories Animal Instinct Undercover Battle of the Brand Zhanna Favorite Things Jennifer Bradley Hot Accessories SYNERGY Men’s





26 27 28 30 32 33 47 59 60

Save the Drama Take It or Leave It Why You Should Care Politics Don’t mean to be rude Dish RADAR Train Wrecked In this Corner


FEATURED WRITERS Matt Caruso, Adam Hornyak, Jeffrey Clouser, Aaron Valentic, Shaylee Capatolla, Charissa Livingston, Rob Soltis, Allison O’Connor, Elisa Llera, Leigh Morrow Calhoun, Marysa Gorski, Katie Parrish, David Waselkow, Ryan Bunker, Lynn Sambuco, Nikki Pollo




BLOG DIRECTORS Kati Smith Shaylee Capatolla Adam Hornyak Anna Benedetti Nick Ceraso

COVER Photography BY Steve Erle MODEL Lauren Conrad Front Row Monthly is a publication of Front Row Monthly Inc. 412.585.1445




INALLY! Spring is here. For those of you who live some place warm, this is not a big deal, and we hate you a little. To those of us on the east coast of the U.S. the reappearance of the sun does strange and wonderful things to us. Love and energy are in the air and a certain Carpe Diem feeling takes over. April is such a great month of transition. You can start breaking out those little bo-ho tops you loved last season, but you don’t yet have to give up the blazer. Lauren Conrad knows all about transition! From a teenager living on camera in Laguna Beach to a savvy business woman, designer and best-selling author, Lauren has continued to inspire us with her style and grace. Her new novel, The Fame Game is available this month! Also no stranger to reinvention is celebrity makeup artist Jennifer Bradley. Once a model and actress herself, Bradley now lends her talented

hand to some of Hollywood’s (and the White House’s) most famous faces. And when it comes to reinvention, there is perhaps no better example of one than that experienced by Dan Rhema, a man who, while traveling, was struck ill, had a near-death experience and emerged from that experience (quite inexplicably) an accomplished artist! This issue, we packed our pages with tips and trends to help make sure that you are Front Row Ready for Spring! Enjoy!



p.s. We’d love to hear from you! Even if you’re mad at us. Just shoot an email to

areyouscared? 210 Federal Street, Suite 200 Pittsburgh, PA 15212 a p r il 2012 | FrM |




“SPRING Bling” by Kaitlyn McCall Pieri

With Spring around the corner, there is no better way to celebrate the warm weather than to add a little extra “bling” to your wardrobe! Colors like avocado green, pastel pink, purples and blues, neutral tans, tangerine orange, gold and grey are all on trend for the new season. There is something for everyone. Try to think outside of the box when accessorizing your outfits for Spring. Add a beaded collar to a shirt or layer on a


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few bright chunky necklaces. Any of these items will take a drab Winter outfit and transform it into a perfectly pretty Spring ensemble. Kaitlyn McCall Pieri is Front Row Monthly’s Accessories Editor. For more from Kaitlyn @Urban_Flamingo

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animal instinct

fashion forward

for the by Nikki Pollo

Feel like gaining a few karma points? Save the lives of innocent critters, rock a trendy wardrobe and keep your budget intact. Sound like a plan? You can do this by replacing some of your favorites with vegan-friendly, cost affordable alternatives. Easy to find, and even easier to adore.

shoes What do you picture when you think of Vegan shoes? Dull colors and drab fabrics? Think again! Instead of purchasing shoes made of real fur or leather that are also outrageously expensive, try a vegan alternative. For example, sells Classic Faux Shearling Vegan Boots in black, brown, and tan. These boots are made of a microsuede, or shearling, outsides, rubber soles, and faux fleece lining. Prices range from $24 to $48. They also sell Nelly Black Faux Leather Slouch Boots. Sexy slouch, sexy heel and great for most of the year. These boots range from $44 to $52.

Front Row Fave

Beyond Skin. The folks behind the U.K. based Beyond Skin have created a line of fierce but animal-friendly vegan shoes. Natalie Portman wore them to both the Golden Globes and The Oscars. What more do you need to know?

Vegan shopper’s key words faux, microsuede, shearling


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jackets How much thought do you give to your outerwear? Not much right? You wear it to either look cute or stay warm and as long as it meets one of those two needs, you’re good to go? There are actually many outlets and online vendors that specialize in creating and distributing vegan encouraged coats and jackets. And hello! Cotton! Some popular stores such as Forever 21 and Charlotte Russe have faux fur and non-leather alternatives. At, shoppers can purchase stylish belted trench coats in a variety of colors that are made of cotton and polyester materials and are priced at only $32.80.

Front Row Fave

Vaute Couture. This line was created out of a need for high-fashion Vegan Outerwear, but has since expanded the line to include tees and other on-trend must-haves. Emily Deschanel and Ginnifer Goodwin are reportedly among Vaute Couture’s loyal client base. Sold!

Vegan shopper’s key words cotton, polyester, non-leather

purses & bags You CAN have a high-fashion, statement bag that is also morally sound. Vegan inspired purses and bags can be found at 1154lill. com, in numerous styles, patterns, and colors. For example, the Victoria - Park Avenue handbag is woven with a black poplin interior and costs $55. Another online vendor is, and they specialize in non-leather handbags.

Besides the previously mentioned vendors, here are a few other animal-friendly websites: Aerosoles Bootzwalla All Vegan Atticus Clothing

Front Row Fave

Matt and Nat. Gorgeous handbags in just about every color and style you can imagine. The linings of their products are made from 100% recycled plastic bottles.

Vegan shopper’s key words poplin fabric

These are just a few examples of what to look for when shopping for trendy, guilt-free, and affordable styles. You can keep right on being the fabulous fashionista that you are, but why not also lend a hand in changing the world - even the fashion world!

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front row undercover

The Foot Bath by Marysa Gorski

at her salon about six months ago. The footbath is designed to use the body’s complex energy fields to realign, improving oxygen levels while eliminating the toxins. The Chinese believe that the feet serve as exit points for all of these toxins. That is how the idea of a footbath came to be. According to the theory, environmental factors, stress and poor diet cause us to accumulate and store high amounts of toxins in our bodies, which make our systems very acidic. The Aok Ion Detox Foot Bath purges our system of toxins, chemicals, pollution and other foreign materials that weigh us down every day. The cleanse works in a very simple way. The human body is electric because the cells in our bodies are electric. Disorders and diseases in the body have a vibrational frequency that is incompatible with healthy cells, which disrupts the cells natural oscillation and polarity. (Whew, that’s a mouthful). This makes it very difficult for the body to purge harmful toxins. When cells are rid of these toxins and fully charged, they can hold more oxygen. This results in a healthy attitude, a sense of well-being and the ability for the body to heal itself! Some people who have this cleanse claim to feel lighter and more relaxed afterwards.


hen most people go to the spa, their purpose is to get a standard pedicure or maybe a facial. But what usually isn’t standard fare is a procedure that aims to de-toxify and enhance the bio energy of the body. The Aok Ion Detox Foot Bath is a treatment offered in spas that is starting to become a very popular request. I decided to give it a try at my local salon, La Beauté Hair Salon & Day Spa in Belle Vernon, PA. Having never had a detox treatment performed on me prior to this, I was kind of skeptical… and a little nervous. So before I stuck my feet into the water, I wanted to do a little investigating. This ritual is really not new. It’s all about “Chi.” Chi is what the Chinese refer to as the energy in our body. It’s part of a holistic approach to medicine. Owner of La Beauté Hair Salon & Day Spa, Renee Sasko, said that she started offering the detox treatment


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So what happens when you put your feet into the footbath? According to the manufacturer, the concept is fairly basic. A footbath is prepared for you with water and sea salt. In the bath, electrodes are placed in the water, which never touch your feet during the procedure. The electrodes are powered by an ionizing array that is perfectly safe. It provides the current in the water that starts to remove the toxins. Since our cellular systems are charged with electricity, the ionizer causes an imbalance in the cells, enabling them to function better. As they function better, they have more energy and give off the toxins and parasites that live within the body. As the feet soak for a 30-minute period, the water changes color. The color of the water identifies which area of the body is being detoxified. For example, yellow colored water indicates that kidneys and the bladder are responding. Green may indicate that the gallbladder is being cleared. My water was brown/orange in color, which meant that my joints and liver were responding to the treatment. I’m not going to lie, I was completely disgusted. It looked like a sewage plant had emptied from my feet. How could something so gross have been inside me!?! The change in the water is usually noticeable after the first five to ten minutes. After a half hour, it is dramatic. I would recommend having this treatment done if you are in need of a relaxing spa day…or as Sasko suggests, when starting a new diet. “A lot of times they recommend that you clear out all of the bad toxins before you begin any new diet,” said

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Sasko. “This could be used as a cleanser if you did want to detox for that purpose.” I found this cleanse to be very calming, and I did leave feeling a bit lighter and more balanced. Since the treatment only lasts 30 minutes, it is fairly easy to fit into your day! I would be less than honest if I didn’t tell you that I saw and read claims on the Internet stating that these types of procedures are not needed and a waste of money, but I personally found this to be a very good experience. Having this detox treatment made me feel like I was doing something good for my body and I plan on doing it again soon. Sasko thinks that everyone should try it at least once. “I recommend it for anybody,” said Sasko. “Just because we are all exposed to environmental toxins on a daily basis.” It is recommended that you drink plenty of water the day before your treatment. Give it a shot! So what if your water looks like something you’ve seen on Dirty Jobs. I’m guessing you’ll feel better, and no one else needs to know what kind of train wreck came out of your feet. It’ll be our secret. ;) *The Aok Ion Detox Foot Bath is not recommended for: people with a Pacemaker or any other battery-operated or electrical implant, any one on heartbeat regulating medication, people currently undergoing radiation therapy or chemotherapy, pregnant women and breast-feeding mothers, organ transplant recipients, type 1 diabetics, persons having an organ removed; especially the colon, people with open wounds on their feet, people taking a medication, the absence of which would mentally or physically incapacitate them.

Front Row Monthly is currently seeking a few creative forwardthinking individuals for the following positions. - writers - graphic design interns - independent sales reps

Serious inquiries may apply to

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battle of the brands This month’s designer dossier! Ahh, hello rocker-chic! Jackie FraserSwan’s brand, EMERSON, embodies the powerful and free-spirited modern woman. Emerson is the perfect blend of sophistication with rock and romance. Her latest collection FW12 drew rave reviews this past Valentine’s Day during New York’s fashion week. She took the time out of her busy fashion week-crazed schedule to chat one on one with us about her line and the inspiration behind our new list of must-haves! FRM: Since your launch in 2009, you have gone in many different directions with your designs, showing couture, glamour, sportswear, and even some casual looks. Who are you designing for? JFS: I like to design the dramatic statement pieces just as much as the everyday pieces.  But it is pretty amazing to see the more complicated pieces come to life!  My customer is today’s confident woman that likes classic pieces with a twist, or wants to add some special pieces into her wardrobe.

EMERSON by Charissa Livingston

FRM: In your opinion, what’s the one must have item for the season? JFS: Classic button down top in a light weight fabric, a perfect transition piece from day to night. FRM: There is a definite juxtaposition between light and dark, between feminine and edge, and there is definitely an artistic quality to the collection. Can you comment on that? JFS: I like to create a balance between all of those concepts.  I choose fabrics that are special.  I want the women wearing my pieces to feel amazing and confident.  FRM: The critics love you, and have compared your vision to that of Gwen Stefani and her super successful L.A.M.B. line. With the rapid success you have enjoyed, what’s next? Where do you see the brand in the next few years? JFS: To be compared to Gwen Stefani is incredible- I look up to her! I plan on making Emerson a household name, and branching into other projects! FRM: We are looking forward to that. Thanks so much!

FRM: Your look seems to be very “rock” inspired. From what do you draw inspiration? JFS: My inspiration can come from anything, a painting, an art piece, a movie, a song- and then it evolves into many.   I do listen to a lot of different rock genres while I’m designing, which certainly influences my collections. FRM: Prints and a kind of light weight leather seem to be important in your S/S12 Collection. Any other trends you see that are important for S/S?  JFS: Pops of color, and printed denim. 


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it’s zhanna, darling in the

front row by Zhanna Darling


love clothes. But mostly I love clothes of the expensive variety. So how happy was I when it was announced that Jason Wu was designing a spin off collection for Target? You should know something. While I love beautiful, expensive clothing, I also live paycheck to paycheck and secretly wait for the day I can actually support my lavish lifestyle. The best thing to happen to a girl like me has been Versace for H&M, Missoni for Target... you get the picture. However, Jason Wu was such a big hit at Target that by the time I showed up the only size left on the rack was a large. Let me clarify. I am an extra small. Sometimes if I’m lucky I can pull off a small and sometimes, I’ve learned, you just have to work with what you have. Check out my Jason Wu for Target blouse (in a large I might add). Fashion is all about playing with what you have. This piece is so great because it can be worn for work and then transitioned as part of an evening look. Don’t let the size of the garment scare you. I have fallen in love with countless items that weren’t “made” for me. It has always been hard to walk away from a piece of clothing that is clearly calling my name. These pieces can be tailored to fit your body, almost


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making it one of a kind. If you make any investment, this is one is worth making. Now back to my blouse. For day, I recommend pairing it with high waist trousers like the Theory ones I am wearing. High waist trousers work best with this look because they mask the oversize appearance of the blouse. This way you give off a slouchy, Parisian appearance that in no way looks contrived (by the way, I’m obsessed with Paris. But that’s a topic for another month). For evening, I’ll pair this blouse with a sequin skirt. Sequins have a special place in my heart. I crave sequin and glitter anything. If you’re reading this, you do too. If it’s shiny, I want it. This particular blouse is so versatile; it’ll go with any color. So, of course, gold sequins it is. Just add a (sequin) clutch and you’re good to go. If you don’t have sequins (or, gasp, you don’t like them) pair it with a skirt, jeans, anything you feel comfortable and fabulous in. If you do go with jeans, make sure you belt the blouse so you don’t look like you’re drowning in it. This Madewell skirt is great too because it can be paired with a plain t-shirt and still look glam. Opt for pieces that can be worn

with many different items, that way you’ll get more wear for your money. For a girl with limited funds, that is so important. Which brings me back to my original point. We (you and me) may love beautiful clothes, but sometimes we may not be able to afford them. The art of fashion is working with what you have. If you find a piece of clothing you can’t live without, have it tailored (you’ll thank me for it later). It will fit your body better than that same piece in your actual size. If you don’t have the means to buy new items, look in your closet. It is always the best place to shop because everything in it can be made new again. Please let me know how it goes for you! I want to hear (and see) all about it! Send us a pic! Stay tuned. Life changing advice (or something like that) coming next month! You know you can’t wait. Zhanna Darling is FRM’s super tiny, canbarely-pull-off-a-small, NYC correspondent. It’s ok. We hate her for it too.

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Over ‘The Hills’ & Onto BestSellers by Charissa Livingston Millions of watchful eyes have admired her style for years. We all know Lauren Conrad from her two hit MTV series, The Hills and Laguna Beach. Today, she no longer has a trail of cameras following her every move, but her career has skyrocketed as she proves herself as both a lucrative business woman and a best-selling author. The previous Teen Vogue intern has quite a lot on her plate. With several fashion lines, her own production company, a New York Times Bestselling book series, and now an additional book series to be launched on April 3, 2012 titled The Fame Game, Conrad is unstoppable! Front Row Monthly dug a little deeper to find out

exactly what the star has been up to. We talk new releases, style, and even a few secrets. FRM: Lauren, throughout your career you have released a #1 New York Times Bestselling trilogy “L.A. Candy”, consisting of three novels: L.A. Candy, Sweet Little Lies, and Sugar in Spice. That’s quite a success! Now you are releasing your next trilogy, The Fame Game, set to be released on April 3rd. This series is rumored to be a spin off series of the L.A. Candy Trilogy. What inspired you to create an additional trilogy? What kind of similarities and differences can readers expect between the two series? LC: Yes The Fame Game is a spinoff of L.A. Candy but it is seen through the eyes of Madison rather than Jane so this series will be more from the “bad girls’ eyes. FRM: The girl we love to hate. Perfect! Some may say that your book series shows some similarities to your own life and the constant roller coaster of living in the spotlight in Hollywood. Would you say that your own life experiences have in fact inspired your writing? And the characters, inspired by people you have met along the way? LC: I think the best advice I was given is to write close to what you know. So while these books aren’t biographies, I do draw from experiences and things I have seen and done along the way. The books just allow me to really play and have fun. Real life isn’t this juicy!!! FRM: Thank God for that! Have you always had an interest in writing, or is it something that manifested from your experience on “The Hills?” LC: I have always been a lover of reading. And that I think helps one become a good writer. When I was young I would just lose myself in books. FRM: As if your writing career is not enough, you may be the fashionista of the decade! You launched your first collection in 2008, The Lauren Conrad Collection, and then expanded a second line in 2009, strictly for Kohls. Your third collection, Paper Crown, came about in Fall 2011 and all have received rave reviews. Clearly you are passionate about fashion. But how might we find you OFF of the red carpet? What is your go-to look for everyday life? LC: Off the carpet I am actually pretty casual and laid back. I love big soft sweaters or oversized t-shirts paired with skinny jeans and flip flops. FRM: Any additional lines planned? LC: Right now I am focusing on Paper Crown and LC Lauren Conrad at Kohl’s. They both keep me plenty busy but I did recently partner with an eco-friendly line called Blue Avocado. I will be designing cosmetic bags as well as reusable shopping and lunch bags. FRM: What is one item that every lady should have in her closet? LC: A fantastic little black dress that fits!

The Breakdown- please answer in one to five words: 1. Always in your handbag LC: Blackberry! 2. Item of clothing you would save from a fire LC: Chloe shoes 3. People would be surprised to know that I LC: Love pizza! 4. On your playlist LC: Gotye Thank you Lauren! We’ll be first in line to see what the girls are up to next in The Fame Game.

Advertise Here


my favorite things:

ALL things AvantGarde!

Hello Ladies and Gents! I am making a Declaration of Self-Examination today; I suffer from a compulsive disorder I have aptly named: AvantGarde-itis. The symptoms are: Sweaty palms, rapid eye movements, and numb legs, (from my fat cat Theta sleeping on my lap). Binging on thousands of images relating to this pandemic web-based disease, I know I’m not alone. Many suffer via the smart phone, a gateway drug to exploiting the abuse of laptops, tablets, netbooks, and even a local coffee shop’s free web access computer. Caffeine and fashion are highly recommended, but not suitable for all, as they may lead to intensifying the gratification of finding the one coveted piece that will formulate the perfect spring/summer wardrobe! Sigh!!! Ok, it’s now time to get a reality grip and take your daily dose of My Favorite Things: Everything S/S 2012 AvantGarde! 18

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Iris van Herpen (This covers three fetishes: shoes, fur, and multiple stilettos!)

by Leigh Morrow Calhoun

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SRULI RECHT (Besides the fact that the models are ruggedly handsome, there is major workmanship in his pieces)

Mark van Westrop hair designer (Seriously dangerous gorgeous hair!)

St. Regis Bal Harbour lobby Designed by Seiger Suarez Architectual Partnership with interiors by renowned studio Yabu Pushelberg. (Dripping in mirrors, crystal, and marble, who wouldn’t want to be a V.I.P. in this room?)

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Pasquale Bruni: Madame Eiffel ring (Ode to Paris Fashion Week and one glance at this piece makes one daydream of eating croissants on the steps of the Louvre)

Prive couture line by Italian fashion designer Giorgio Armani (I’m spellbound!)

Walter Van Beirendonck, a member of the AvantGarde Antwerp Six. (How could I resist a master?)

Paulina Bojór (The word ‘juxtaposition’ comes to mind)

Veronique Branquinho for Marie Jo L’ Aventure (Hello! I need sexy French underpinnings!)

Givenchy (I need a new clutch!)

Bottega Veneta (Yes it’s from the Autumn-Winter 2012-13 collection, just a peeksy for what’s to come!)

Lexus LF LC concept car (When I said ALL AvantGarde, I meant ALL!!! Buckle up baby!)


by Brittany Tresky


ver wonder how celebrities do it? How do they handle hectic shoot schedules, non-stop travel, late nights in Vegas and still look glowing and perfect? It’s not all genes and luck. Most of the time it’s the handiwork of a brilliant Makeup Artist like Jennifer Bradley. Bradley has lent her skilled hand to a roster of celebrity clients, and has also developed her own makeup line and Medical Grade Skincare products. And lucky for you, they are now available for purchase online. Forty-five makeup artists at New York Fashion Week used Jennifer Bradley products! FRM columnist Brittany Tresky sat down with Jennifer to grab a few of her best-kept secrets. You can thank us later. ;) FRM: Jennifer, you have been an actress, singer, and a model all in a very short period of time. How did you end up in the beauty profession? JB: They all go hand in hand. I started when I was 15 in a professional theater company in Houston Texas. One of my theater directors happened to be an award winning make up artist in New York City! So, when I wasn’t singing or acting, I was an apprentice to learn how to do make up underneath her. Part of being an actress is really finding your character through make up. If you’re an actress you really want to get to know who you are portraying through different styles of make up. That is how I started. I also was a professional actress in Los Angeles. I did a lot of TV commercials, and music videos. When I wasn’t acting I became a makeup artist to earn extra money on the side because you’re not always working as an actress. After a while I moved to southern Florida with my ex-husband and focused more on being a makeup artist and ended up developing my own products and it all just kind of grew from there!! FRM: Can you tell us about your Medical Grade line? JB: I developed this product line on my own about 8 years ago. You see, I have really bad skin. I have chronic cystic acne, along with

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very sensitive, very fair skin. It’s actually a necessity that I have my own products that really help clear my skin. I know a lot of great dermatologists out there but they really initially were not my friends, so I am not currently partnered with any doctors. I would really like to partner with someone in the future. FRM: So you didn’t have any input from doctors when developing your skincare line? JB: No, not at all. It’s actually quite simple. There are scientifically proven ingredients that are known to work for people’s skin, and they’ve been around for quite a while. The problem I faced was that I couldn’t find them in the right concentration. If you bought a product from a dermatologist’s office, a lot of times those ingredients were not exactly at the top of the list, or they would be too aggressive, so it would really dry out my skin. I think that there are ways of fighting acne or getting rid of hyper-pigmentation and sunspots. But there are also ways of healing the skin and protecting it from the sun and protecting the skin from getting more sun damage. I’m about protecting and healing the skin, as well as being aggressive on acne, hyperpigmentation and sunspots. FRM: We’ve noticed that your line contains no mineral oils or fillers. How is your line of skincare different from the other big name companies? JB: That right there is the main difference! The no fillers and no fragrance is the main difference between my company and other companies. Almost every single line that is out there, it doesn’t matter if it’s top of the line or not uses those things. Those large companies, most of the time are the biggest offenders. They often put a lot of fragrance in their product which is not regulated by the FDA. They have tons of filler ingredients in their | FrM |


products. Filler ingredients are very cheap ingredients they put in to make it creamy. It is often the worst thing you can put on your skin. It is what makes people break out. They put so much of the filler ingredients in that the expensive ingredients that are good for your skin to become ineffective. That is the difference with my products. It is my concentration of the good ingredients that are great for your skin, with no fragrance, no fillers and no mineral oil. With my products, you see such an incredible difference in your skin within twenty-four to forty-eight hours. That’s why I do what I do. Sometimes it takes a small company to do that, a company that really cares about their customers to make things like this happen. I really care about the customer and not so much about the bottom line, money wise. FRM: You have a product called “The Four in One.” It’s a foundation, concealer, with a dewy powder finish, that has SPF in it. It covers like stage makeup would. How did you come up with this idea? JB: It was completely out of necessity. I have really bad skin and I could never find a color that was right for my skin. I also could never find foundation that covered well and wouldn’t make me break out. I wanted something, because I was in front of the camera a lot. Like I said, I did a lot of commercials and TV so I had to have really good looking skin, but not look like I had a bunch of makeup on. Also if you go to casting calls as an actress and it looks like you have makeup on that is not good either. I also do not like to feel like I have makeup on, so I had all of these needs and I just kind of went to a chemist and said “this is what I want. Can we make this please?” Fortunately we were able to do that, so that’s how that came about. It’s such a huge seller. FRM: Your work has been in People Magazine and various other publications. How did that come about?

JB: Its hectic, its crazy, its honestly difficult just dealing with their schedule. You have to work around them. It is really an exciting thing. I feel very blessed and fortunate to be a part of it. FRM: Your makeup was used by over 45 make up artists during fashion week, for the runway shows in New York City. What does it take to pull off something like that? Do you do all the work yourself, or do you have a team behind you? JB: That was just a really cool thing. I have a product called “A Smart Compact” that I had made. I was a top seller on because of this compact. No one had anything like it in the industry at the time. I got an order from a Makeup Artist Company in New York. They are very famous, but I am not going to mention their name! Sorry! They purchased 45 of these compacts and I got to see my compacts in action by the top make up artists in New York City during fashion week using my product that I designed and developed. It was really cool! I am actually sold out of those compacts right now! I’m trying to get more in. It’s a magnetic compact that holds all of your makeup in place. It is kind of like a mini art pallet. FRM: What are some common beauty mistakes that women make? JB: Being trendy! Also having the wrong foundation is a big no. They need to know what looks best on them specifically, not what looks good on others. FRM: What are some of your favorite products from your make up kit? JB: Definitely my Time Freeze, it is incredible! It makes skin look really flawless. It is almost like a timer, but it is a skin treatment. Then foundation and the four in one smart makeup, also my bronzer! It is just amazing! FRM: What kind of makeup should be in every woman’s purse? JB: Every woman needs a really good lip treatment. If you do not have a really good lip treatment I have one called Luscious Lips, it’s amazing. If your lips are dry your lipstick is not going to go on very well. In my bag I always keep a lip liner, a luscious lips treatment, and a lip gloss. That is it! FRM: What is the most important beauty advice that you can give to women? JB: DO NOT go to bed with your makeup on. Taking care of your skin is really important. If you do not take care of it your makeup is not going to look good either. It is important, you are worth it. FRM: Who is the celebrity that you have not worked with, but really want to? JB: Oh, there are so many. Naomi Watts, and Kate Winslet just to name a few. FRM: Thanks so much! We love your products and look forward to seeing what’s next! To give the amazing products a try, visit

JB: Hard work, dedication and just really being a good artist. It takes time, it takes practice and people follow my work. They liked it and I guess I just pushed it through the right doors. It really just kind of came to me. I didn’t really have to get an agent for my make up artistry. People just came to me. I also did Barak Obama’s makeup right before he got elected, and that was also really good for my reputation as a make up artist. I’ve been very fortunate in my career. FRM: You’ve done makeup for Pamela Anderson, Sean Connery, and Drew Barrymore, just to name a few. What is your day and week like, working with these stars?


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april 2012

t a e h e h

t p u n r


summer’s ho t accessories!

Models: Maria So ler-DuBreuil, Erin Sledge, Jacquelyn Hair: Briana Rasic Andrews ci Make-up: Erin Br own, Maggy Pa wlesh, Jae Lee Pa Photography & redes Styling: Keith Bloo m II Shot on locatio n at SAVOY Lo unge

forever 21

TT gojane

sabine at piperlime

top shop

kate spade at piperlime


forever 21

save the

point of view



pring has finally arrived! And, although you may be thrilled by the unfamiliar feeling of sunshine on your face and the ability to break out that killer new pastel wardrobe, on the other hand, you’re totally freaking out. Over the extra pounds you’ve been storing up over the last several months, that is. But, just because the weather is breaking, doesn’t mean that you’ll be breaking from your daily grind at the 9-5. A five-day forecast of ‘70 and sunny’ doesn’t mean your boss is giving you the week off to shed those unwanted love handles and belly fat. But, never fear! If there is a will—there is a way! And, for all of my independent ladies and hard working fellas out there in the workplace, SAVE THE DRAMA! Together we are going to rid of that unwanted weight—right at the office! Gear up folks— we’re spring cleaning our bodies! Little things do add up. So, before you read on, take a moment to acknowledge the small things in life that can make all the difference. That 40 hours per week spent behind your desk is no bueno for the body, but we can reverse that. Let’s start with the moment you wake up. Instead of throwing the nearest destructive object at the clock the second the alarm sounds, tell yourself it’s going to be a good and productive day. Open the blinds; take a look at the sun rising (unless of course you wake up before sunrise, then just turn the lights on and use your imagination) and let it be a reminder that swimsuit season is right around the corner and you have work to do (and haters to make jealous!) ;)


You’ve heard it time and time again, but it really is the most important meal of the day. A wholesome breakfast is the first chance you have to jumpstart your metabolism. But, the reality is that no one is getting up extra early to prepare egg whites and


| FrM |

Lose the Fat

turkey sausage in a perfectly plush robe and a grin. Keep it real--this only happens in the movies. I do, however, have two potential solutions to this problem. #1 You can prepare breakfast for a whole week on Sunday night. Make enough for 5 straight days, store it in the fridge, and pop it in the microwave when you wake up. Quick, easy, and healthy! Option #2 is for those who have access to a microwave at work. Store some instant oatmeal in your desk. Quaker makes a great “weight control” variety pack. These convenient little packs come equipped with 7g of protein and 6g of fiber! Last but not least, if you can manage a sane swap from coffee to green tea in the A.M., DO IT! Green tea is the ‘icing on the cake’ when it comes to boosting your metabolism. WARNING: If lack of coffee is hazardous to yourself or your co-workers, please use caution. And don’t forget to sweeten with a little touch of nature! Sure, artificial sweeteners are great when it comes to avoiding the extra cals in sugar, but can be harmful to your health in other ways. Sweeten with a product derived from a Stevia Plant, an all natural sweet alternative!


First things first, keep a pair of sneakers under your desk. These are going to come in handy with all of the walking you are going to do Monday-Friday. Right? Right! So, with most 9-5’s, three breaks are given; two 15 minute breaks and a lunch break. Use your time wisely. Five minutes before those 15 minute breaks, change your shoes and be ready to go. Step outside for some fresh air—power walk 7 minutes out and 7 minutes back, this give you an extra 60 seconds to recoup and get ready to dive back in to the stack of papers waiting on you. BAM! That’s 30 minutes of exercise right at work each day! Another great way to burn right from the comfort of your own desk is to drink plenty of water! Not only will you flush toxins from your body, but it will make have to pee… a lot! This is a good thing. It forces you to get up and move! Take the longest way possible to the rest room. And, that’s not all-- (and this where we found out how

by Shaylee Capatolla

serious you are)-- use the handicap stall each time you go! This will give you extra space for the standing crunches, hamstring curls, and leg lifts you’re going to do. Ten of each, every time you use the bathroom. It’s going to add up. So swallow your pride and do it! Just act normal if someone comes in to the stall next to you and wait for them to leave. Ridiculous, yes; but do you want to see results or what?! Another quick tip is to park as far as possible to the front door. Remember—the little things are going to add up!


Easy on the waist line…and the wallet! When doing your grocery shopping for the week, have 5 convenient lunch meals in mind. On Monday morning bag everything up and store it in the office fridge. One less thing you’ll have to worry about every night. Just don’t forget to put your name on it! There’s always that “extra hungry” coworker who just might be ballsy enough to snatch! Try prepared salads (light dressing) and organic Greek yogurt; nearly double the protein and half the sugar! Don’t forget a little snack for after breakfast and lunch. Something to keep the metabolism moving! Ladies try a Luna Bar! Tasty and nutritious! Cliff Z Bars are even more awesome! Just 120 cals, organic, and in great flavors like S’mores! Ummm…hello? No brainer!


That’s right! Make it easier on yourself and head straight to the gym from work. We all know what happens if a pit stop is made at home. Those sweatpants and that couch start calling your name. Avoid all that by packing a gym bag to take with you to the office. Just think—you will be all done in no time and have the rest of the evening to relax and catch up on your favorite T.V. shows— guilt free! So, what do you think? Do-able? Challenge yourself to an entire month of this process and see how you feel once May rolls around! I am willing to bet that you feel fab, fit and a bit more DRAMA FREE just in time for summer! =) april 2012

take it leave it or

FRM takes on your trickiest dilemmas. (Notice we didn’t say that we solve them. In fact, we may make it worse.) A few words of wisdom from two polar opposite pools of thought.


I started a new job last month and am having a problem with one particular co-worker that seems to have it out for me. Every time I make a suggestion in a meeting or try to implement a more efficient system, he goes behind my back and badmouths me to our boss. Initially I thought that it was because I was a woman, but I found out that I was hired for a position that he wanted but didn’t have the qualifications or experience that I do. He and our boss are long time drinking buddies so most of my recommendations are time and again falling on deaf ears. I’m afraid that upper management will eventually see me as dead weight and I can’t afford to start over again so soon. What should I do? a p r il 2012

shaylee says... This is an easy one. Confront him…nicely. Be the bigger person and have an adult conversation, (something completely unfamiliar to Adam). Let him know it wasn’t your fault they hired you instead of him, and that the two of you should work together for the better of the company. Just because you are a woman, doesn’t make you any less qualified for the position—in fact, it makes you more qualified by default! ;) So if ‘Plan A’ doesn’t work, settle for Plan B. The plan that puts him in his place—the plan where you hustle way harder than he does just to be sure your boss never listens to what he has to say again! Show them just who the deadweight really is! People love to talk around the water cooler. At some point, your boss cannot ignore your hard work any longer or he’ll look just as bad as the idiot co-worker does.

adam says... You are in a tough position. My credo has always been ‘business first’, but that should never apply if the girl is really hot. Having said that, I’m assuming you aren’t that attractive which is why your predicament is occurring in the first place. Good looking or not, I would suggest that you get out in front of your nemesis’ bullshit. If you find out that he sabotaged one of your proposals, go to the HR department and tell them that you saw him masturbating in the parking lot when you pulled into work that morning. Or, convince a large male friend to tell the backstabbing idiot that if he doesn’t stop his end-arounds, he will find himself with the tendons behind his knees slashed. Hell, if it worked for Bill Gates, it will work for you.

To submit your question to Front Row Monthly, please send it to | FrM |


point of view

why you

Should Care

the bald and the beautiful

I think I’d still want to be a princess.” An amazing woman named Jane Bingham was thinking the same thing. She knows cancer. She knows chemotherapy. She is an expert. And through the isolation that is social networking, she was reaching out and connecting with others. She had read an article about another beautiful girl suffering from cancer who received a most special and unique gift: Princess Genesis, a bald Barbie doll.


y five year old is a princess. Literally. She loves to wear dresses and even has a pair of purple high heels that match a few of her nightgowns. They are her “evening heels.” I have always said that she is the kind of girl who, when she sneezes, pink fairy dust just poofs out. Last year when her class drew pictures of what they wanted to be when they grew up, my daughter quite literally drew her picture and unabashedly declared, “I want to be a princess.” In my research for this article I interviewed many experts. There were grass roots activists, the Director of Media Relations for the American Cancer Society, Media Relations with Mattel, and the Director of Communications for the National Alopecia Aerate Association. And there was one more expert: my daughter. “Do you think a princess can be a princess if she doesn’t have hair?” I asked. My expert answered rather expertly: “Daddy, if I didn’t have hair,


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Mattel, the toy giant that created what arguably is the most iconic toy in American cultural history had, with no publicity and no fanfare and no shameless self-promotion, created a bald Barbie and given it to this little girl. And like the historical legacy of Barbie, so many messages were embedded inside that unique doll. Bald can be beautiful, a girl can be a princess even if she has no hair, being bald is just another way of being uniquely and incurably a beautiful human being. Jane loved the bald Barbie concept. And as she was fighting her own battles with cancer and chemotherapy and seeing friends with cancer and other friends with daughters who have alopecia and were losing their hair, she decided to start up another project. That social networking thing became even more intimate. She became friends with Beckie Sypin and a few others and created a Facebook page devoted to one small, one simple, and one incredibly profound goal: see if Mattel, the iconic toy giant of America, would be willing to mass produce the doll.

by David Waselkow

The Facebook page began to grow and get a great deal of support. I asked Jane what motivated her to do it. She said that her first goal was simply to see if Mattel could be persuaded that a bald Barbie would be marketable and she thought they could also suggest accessories: bandanas, scarfs, and other nifty add-ons. Her second goal was bigger: “I wanted to raise awareness to the issues that produce baldness. For woman and girls, losing your hair can be very painful,” she said. “I am hoping to take the stigma out of female baldness and raise awareness that you can be just as beautiful bald,” said Jane. The bald Barbie was, from the beginning, about so much more than cancer. It was about raising awareness. It was about trying to keep children from being teased on playgrounds. It was about helping young girls see something more than fear when they look in the mirror and see bare skin as opposed to long locks. It was bigger. Jane made so many connections. She connected with a woman named Wendy, the mother of the sweet beautiful girl who received the first and seemingly only bald Barbie. She connected with people from all over the country: over 100,000 people. Some connections were ironic, some were profound, some were simple, and some were simply shocking. In fact, she made a connection with one person who came out in opposition of the bald Barbie and did so publicly. And it just so happened that that one person was the Director of Media Relations for the American Cancer Society, Andrew Becker. And it wasn’t just opposition. On his blog, Andrew wrote the following: “In a world already littered with cancer totems such as rubber bracelets and pink everything, do we need one more thing whose function is to ‘raise awareness’ about cancer? Is raising awareness worthwhile?” When Jane told me about this blog, when she told me how it hurt and how surprised she was, I had to call Andrew and find out what the opposition april 2012

was. Although he didn’t answer my call or call me back, he did email me, writing “I appreciate the opportunity you are offering, but I prefer to let my apology stand as my public statement.” In his apology, Andrew wrote, “When I set out to write I wanted to raise questions about activism and social media around disease. I did not mean to imply that I or the American Cancer Society believe that sick children are not important. Indeed I wrote that each of these cases is tragic, and that the children and their families deserve both sympathy and support. That is what I believe.” It seemed clear from the original blog that he was not much a fan of the Lance Armstrong Foundation (rubber bands) or Susan G Komen (pink everything). Totems? But it wasn’t just about activism and social media. He wrote, in the original blog, that “Childhood cancer is exceedingly rare. I would also argue that cancer is rare among the age group of women likely to have a daughter young enough to play with Barbies.” Of the bald Barbie project and Jane’s efforts to strike a deal with Mattel, he wrote “Now the company risks a severe backlash of ill will if it does not accede to the demands of the social media mob.” Demands, mobs, totems, rubber bands, pink everything- all over asking Mattel to mass market a bald Barbie that they did out of kindness for a child in an effort to raise awareness about how scary and hard it is to be female and bald for whatever reason? The reporter in me thought to fact check the claims made by Andrew Becker and the rareness of childhood cancer. But then it occurred to me that a Director at the flagship organization capable of providing that information, the American Cancer Society, would perhaps not be the best source. Mattel initially did not accede to demands or mobs or anything else. In fact Jane said that initially, Mattel sent a form letter indicating that they don’t accept ideas from outside sources. And Mattel does a lot for kids with cancer specifically and for charities more generally. In my email exchange with Rebecca Scoto, a Media Relations representative for Mattel, I learned that “In the past 10 years, Mattel and the Mattel Children’s Foundation have donated more than $100 million and more than 10 million toys to organizations that serve children a p r il 2012

in need, including more than $30 million and half a million toys directly to children’s hospitals across the country. We support the Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA and the National Association of Children’s Hospitals and Related Institutions, which encompasses approximately 220 hospitals.” Impressive, to say the least. And I don’t see mob action motivating this engagement. Mattel is also involved in the Make-A-Wish Foundation and in efforts to help children with HIV-AIDS. Jane pressed on. So did Beckie. When I asked Jane about her vision for the bald Barbie project, she said that she really “just wanted kids not be afraid of other kids who were bald, to not make fun of them, and to let girls know they are still beautiful.” Towards the end of the interview, I asked about the next steps, and Jane told me that she and Beckie just got back from a trip to Mattel Headquarters where they met representatives of the company to discuss the bald Barbie idea in more detail. Being the investigative journalist that I am, I think I said something brilliant and savvy like “Wow, really? So are they gonna do it??” Jane laughed and said something very polished like “I can neither confirm nor deny.” Rebecca from Mattel wrote to me to tell me that “The members of the Mattel Children’s Foundation and the Barbie team recently met with the founders of the “Bald and Beautiful” Facebook campaign, Jane Bingham and Beckie Sypin, at our El Segundo, Calif., headquarters. The goal of the meeting was to meet with them face-to-face, hear their personal stories and begin a dialogue. The meeting was the beginning of a deeper conversation with Jane and Beckie and we look forward to more dialogue about how this idea could be used to positively impact girls also facing this situation.” Things seem to be looking good for Bald Barbie. I assured Andrew from the American Cancer Society that this would not be a slam piece. And it should not be. I would have liked to ask him what his motive and intent was when he sat down to write that fateful day, and I would have liked to ask him if he had an opportunity to do it over, what might he write. But I think that Andrew’s objections to the project align perfectly with Jane’s motives to launch the project: the power of

perception. He thought it was about cancer. Jane thinks it’s about being a beautiful woman and bald at the same time. Bald has been acceptable for men for a long time. When I lost my hair as a very young man I was terrified. I figured the best defense was a good offense, bought a super fly razor and have gone high speed low drag shaved head ever since. Women and girls do not have that option. The stigma of baldness for women and girls is far different, much more painful, incredibly frightening, and awkward. Barbie has been an iconic symbol of our country’s perception of beauty and play for a long time. And though there has been controversy about that including the unrealistic nature of her proportions and other issues, it has brought joy to millions of children for decades. It now has an opportunity to extend the mantle of beauty through toys played with children and send a message that bald can be beautiful, fun, and accessorized. As a young boy I remember my Mother crying in the bathroom. She would be in there for hours and I would walk in and sit on the tub and try to comfort her. Sometimes she would ask me if I could help her make it look better. Sometimes she would just cry. And I remember vowing in my little mind that one day I would create a cure. You see my Mom lost her hair to alopecia when she was in her 20s. She was crying because she could not make the wig look like something other than a wig. She was terrified of the wind for fear her wig would blow off. She spent years feeling like she wasn’t beautiful because she had no hair. My Mom is beautiful, inside and out. And though I have not met Jane personally, I can say she is beautiful, for her soul and spirit came through in spades in a telephone interview, on a Facebook page, and in a cancer ward. And it seems to me that if the bald Barbie can help people crying in bathrooms or shaking in fear in hospitals or those too embarrassed to go to school for fear of being bullied or made fun of, then we should all join the movement. It’s not about cancer. It’s not about alopecia. It’s about the perception that a woman is beautiful not in spite of being bald, but because she is, and because what she is makes her beautiful. Accessories are always fun, too. | FrM |


point of view


Politics Compiled by Keith Knezovich

Here at Front Row Monthly, we have a good time. But as much as we find ourselves chatting about hemlines, humor columns and reality TV gossip, we also find ourselves interested and moved by the hot topics happening in the political arena. Let’s be honest though. CNN can sometimes feel like an extralong, unnecessarily wordy social studies lesson. We wanted to provide our readers with insight into how the average American feels on a variety of political topics ranging from Foreign Policy, Unemployment, our political parties and Health Care, and to do so in a way that doesn’t give us a migraine. Three people have been kind enough to step up and give us their points of view.

Our Conservative is Jason Knizner. Jason is 30 years old, has a degree in Finance and Accounting and works in Procurement.

The Parties (thank you

As the social landscape of the world changes; so to must the United States interaction and involvement within it. We have long favored a “diplomacy first” foreign policy. In the case of the two aforementioned countries, it is doubtful that any amount of diplomacy will allow us to completely resolve our differences, though not for a lack of trying. North Korea’s support of a communist regime and its alleged human rights violations continues to operate as they always have, behind a curtain of secrecy. Iran as the epicenter of an Islamic-Jihadist movement which is overtaking much of the Middle East welcomes UN troops and inspectors only to play a game of “smoke and mirrors,” showing them only what they want them to see. American citizens should not doubt for a second the level of hate and disdain that these nations have for the US. If for no other reason, their possession of nuclear grade weaponry would be catastrophic. That being said, I believe that they are closer to this goal than they let on. If reports of horrendous acts of violence against their own people are proven true, how then can we take solace that they won’t use nuclear (or biological) technology against us?

Conservatism is a political and social philosophy that promotes the maintenance of traditional institutions and supports at the most, minimal and gradual change in society. Some conservatives emphasize stability, while others oppose modernism and seek a return to “the way things were”. Libertarianism generally refers to the group of political philosophies which emphasize freedom and individual liberty. Libertarians generally advocate a society with little or no government power. Liberalism is the belief in the importance of liberty and equal rights. Liberals espouse a wide array of views, but generally liberals support ideas such as constitutionalism, liberal democracy, free and fair elections, human rights, capitalism, and freedom of religion.


| FrM |

Our Libertarian is Josh Cuddy. Josh is 32 years old and has fourteen years of military service during which he has two deployments to Iraq. He also owns two businesses in the Pittsburgh area. Our Liberal is Maggi Mizell. Maggi is 52 years old with a degree in English. She has been teaching high school for 19 years. Let’s get this started: Question #1. If you were in charge of U.S. Foreign Policy, what would you have the U.S. do in regards to North Korea and Iran’s push for nuclear power? Our Conservative: North Korea and Iran have always been points of contention for the United States. We have found that we are unable to address our issues with these two countries in ways which have proven successful in the past. The singular, driving factor behind this being that our struggle with them is not a simple land or resource dispute, nor is it an attempted power grab. Ultimately it is a harsh philosophical divide that exists between our nations.

april 2012

As in nature, nothing cripples a nation quite like weakness. I put forth that the worst possible thing that we can do at this juncture is to appear “weak” to the rest of the world. Sometimes the best course of action is not always the most popular, but let me illustrate my point. The attacks of September 11th, the most heinous acts of terrorism on domestic soil, occurred during a period when the size of our military and our overall defense spending was at its lowest point post-Cold War. Coincidence? Obviously I am not advocating running rough-shot over these countries. Quite the contrary, I am optimistic that as time passes and regime changes occur it will lead to a change of thought in these parts of the world. It is encouraging that with the passing of Kim JongIl in December of last year, his son seems much more amicable to Western thoughts and ideas which could lead to improved relations over time. It isn’t going to happen overnight. We will never legitimize a Communist state, and it is unlikely that radical factions of Islam will stop preaching hatred of America, so it is absolutely necessary that we remain constantly vigilant. We must not be afraid to identify enemies throughout the world, monitor threats regardless of where they arise, and make known to the world that we are prepared to react to any movement which is perceived or interpreted as a detriment to our nation, or that of our closest allies. Our Libertarian: I feel the power change in North Korea doesn’t mean much and I expect more of the same until shown otherwise. As far as nuclear programs, there is nothing I feel is a greater danger to global security than the spread of nuclear weapons and the means to make them. This is one of the few areas of foreign affairs I agree that the United States should be actively involved in countering, using every asset and resource available. I would continue heavy sanctions and start leveraging every US ally to do the same. I would enact covert operations to subvert and disrupt these countries nuclear programs and I would overtly position US aircraft carrier groups within striking distance and would if need be conduct tactical missile strikes against any nuclear programs infrastructure. I would encourage bilateral talks with both countries and make it a priority to help solve these countries power needs without nuclear proliferation. Our Liberal: The complexities of a global economy and a global policing of morality and ethics have placed the U.S. in a foreign policy quagmire. There is, I believe, a balance that must be maintained between staying out of a sovereign nation’s affairs and acting in the face of gross violations. The power shift created by the recent death of North Korea’s Kim Jong Il, has us faced with a dauntingly complex decision. North Korea has been curtained in secrecy for decades and has only recently experienced fissures in their facade via the brave individuals who have managed to get information out to the world through The Daily NK. With a p r il 2012

so little confirmed and accurate information available about the internal workings of day-to-day North Korea, the close ties North Korea maintains with neighboring China, and the continuing arm flexing of Pyongyang’s nuclear testing in the face of U.N. sanctions, the situation calls for very delicate handling. Mistakes have been made in the past with regard to North Korea. President George W. Bush, given inaccurate intelligence information, dismissed the importance of building relations with North Korea a decade ago believing that the regime would fall. It did not, and we are now no closer, really, to understanding or working with the cult of personality that is North Korea: a situation that demands attention. That said, I believe that U.S. foreign policy has got to begin to turn more toward an isolationist attitude. I recognize that this may seem contradictory on the surface, claiming that something must be done and then calling for a mindyour-own business stance, but the real issue is one of how U.S. involvement should manifest itself. We have become the great policers of the world. Fists held firmly on hips, chests proudly puffed out, heads held high. We believe that we are the ultimate voice of what is right and what is wrong for everyone. Interestingly, we are purported to be a nation that values freedom. The hypocrisy of the situation, ironically, seems to have escaped most of the population. We are concerned with smaller nations (North Korea and Iran most notably) possessing nuclear weapons because we deem them as ultimately reckless and unstable. We assert that they must be sanctioned and forced to dismantle their nuclear weapons programs for fear that they may, one day, behave irresponsibly with said weapons. How can we be so hypocritical as to say that we are responsible enough to have a stockpile of nuclear weapons, but you may not, when we are the only nation that has ever detonated a weapon of that magnitude (two, in fact) outside of testing? Our arrogant policing of the world has created a global anti-American sentiment, even among many who had initially asked for our assistance, Iran being one such example. Again, this is an issue of how our involvement manifests itself. I would like to see U.S. foreign policy move toward a paradigm of diplomacy first. If we are truly to be a nation that values freedom, that sentiment should extend beyond our borders in order to allow sovereign nations the freedom to make their own way. When gross violations occur, be they human rights violations or military aggressions, diplomacy should be our role. I teach children to work out their issues by speaking with, and listening to, each other. I do not step in and hit the child who acts aggressively. It, plainly and simply, teaches aggression. I am highly disappointed, if not ashamed, that my nation’s role in the past few decades has become one of the selfrighteous aggressor. | FrM |


point of view

i don’t mean to be

RUDE, BUT... where is the culture by Aaron Valentic


s part of my New Year’s resolutions, I made it my mission to open myself up to new things and experiences, such as going to more museums, reading books I thought I would never read, or even tasting new food – for those of you who do not personally know me, I am probably one of the pickiest eaters on the planet, refusing to eat, even going near food I have never eaten before. As I have matured, I have begun to appreciate the value of new experiences, and in doing so, have noticed just how many people are close-minded to the unfamiliar. I don’t mean to be rude, but…where is the culture, people? What I mean by “culture” for the purposes of this article, is the attainment of knowledge, the understanding of the fine arts and an open attitude towards the nuances of society. I am dismayed, however, to notice certain apathy amongst my peers. They really don’t care about understanding the fine arts, wouldn’t bother studying a painting and wouldn’t dream of trading in their Nicki Minaj for classical music even for a day. Actually, it has been suggested that classical music is very important for our minds, can improve our sleep patterns by helping us fall into a deeper sleep, and can even raise our IQ a few points for the day. We are so often swarmed with synthesized drunks who think that they actually have talent. Even though the songs end up in the top 20, the “singers” if you listen carefully, are barely even singing. The fine arts are probably the first thing I think of when I think of cultural experiences. There is nothing more exciting


| FrM |

than looking at a beautiful painting or reading a classic novel, written by some of the most knowledgeable minds the world has ever seen. When I traveled to Paris during the Summer of 2009, I was lucky enough to go to some of the world’s best museums, including the Louvre, the Museé d’Orsay and the Museé de l’Orangerie where I saw some of the most beautiful paintings by Degas, Renoir and Da Vinci. Yet, it seems as though the only artwork people are looking at these days are the COD Warfare games for their Xbox or Wii. And what about history? Now speaking for myself, I love to learn and read about the gilded ages! The iconic Camelot in the 1960’s, or the opulence of the French Revolution period. There is a reason we

still, to this day, look to the past for fashion inspiration- because it’s worth looking at! Sadly, many are less interested in what has previously happened in the world and more interested in who Snooki slept with on last week’s Jersey Shore. What is my point? Too many young Americans have become absorbed with their own ideas of what culture is. The latest video games and the most grotesque reality television shows are not a cultural experience. If you find yourself spending more and more time on these things and can’t remember the last time you strolled through a museum or took in a concert at a venue that had indoor plumbing, it’s not too late. Make some plans for the weekend that you can be proud of. april 2012


DISH by Shannon Parrish

If you’re looking for a reason to have a party (not that you need a reason)… you’ve just found it. Nothing says “party” like pizza and with these baked Italian bites filled with a delicious flavorful center, you’re sure to please a crowd.

meatballs Yield: about (30) 1” diameter meatballs 1 ½ pkgs pizza dough, not baked (can be store-bought or homemade) 1 lb mild or hot Italian chicken sausage, casings removed ½ cup fresh basil leaves lightly packed, chopped ½ cup pepperoni (optional), chopped ½ cup shredded parmesan cheese, plus more for garnish 1 large egg 1 tsp


make the meatballs Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Combine the sausage, basil, pepperoni (if using) and shredded parmesan together in a large bowl with your hands. Roll 1” diameter sized meatballs in your hands and set on a baking sheet. Refrigerate the meatballs while you roll out the dough. Roll the dough on a lightly floured surface to about ¼” thickness. With a pizza cutter or knife, cut the dough into 1 ½” squares (does not need to be exact). Take one square of dough and work the dough with your fingers to flatten and stretch it slightly. You don’t want the dough too thin or the meat mixture will break through the dough while baking. Place one meatball in the center of the square and wrap the dough around it. Shape into a ball and place on a parchment lined cookie sheet seam side down. Whisk the milk and egg and brush on top of each ball. a p r il 2012

Baked Italian Bites marinara sauce (3) 28-ounce cans

whole Italian plum tomatoes, with their juices

4 Tbsp

olive oil

5 large

garlic cloves, minced

½ tsp

red chile flakes

¼ tsp

cayenne pepper, or to taste

1 Tbsp

kosher salt

½ cup

lightly packed fresh basil leaves, chopped

Pinch of sugar, or to taste Empty one can of tomatoes with their juices into the food processor and pulse until coarsely chopped. Transfer mixture to a large bowl and continue with the remaining two cans of tomatoes. Heat the oil in a large Dutch oven over medium-low heat. Add the garlic and stir often until the garlic is golden and softened, about 10 minutes. Make sure to keep the heat low so that the garlic doesn’t burn. Stir in the red chile flakes and heat them with the garlic for about 10-15 seconds. Add the tomatoes with their juices and increase the heat to medium high until the mixture comes to a boil. Reduce the heat to a simmer and add the salt, basil and cayenne pepper, stirring occasionally until the sauce has reduced to a thick consistency and the tomatoes have cooked down, about 40 minutes. Taste and add sugar if necessary. This marinara is great because it makes a large batch. Portion out individual containers of the marinara and freeze for an easy weeknight sauce with pasta. These delicious Italian Bites are great paired with a glass of Cabernet, but can also be enjoyed with a cold mug of brown ale. Either way, your guests will be happy and full.

follow shannon’s delicious advice at | FrM |


y g r e n


Styling: Simon Winkelm端ller Photographer: Tamara Pichler 34 | FrM | Pia Model: Tomberger| Mother Agency

april 2012

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Front Row Monthly is obsessed with fashion. Period. We spend days upon days scoping out exciting brands for you to fall in love with. It’s our job to help you spend that pay check. Tough work, I know. This month we are loving Carmelita Couture.

by Charissa Livingston

Designer Carmelita Martell is a hit with the fashion set. She has outfitted a few ladies you may have heard of, including Nicki Minaj, Raven Symone, Kourtney Kardashian, and Paula Abdul! Her pieces have even been featured on Law & Order, E! News, Dancing With The Stars, and the Xfactor! Her “modern warrior” collection caught the attention of just about everyone in the industry. Just give us jeweled shoulders, metallic pants, a high-waisted belt and we are ready to take over the world! Her Spring/Summer 2012 collection is an entirely different feel, made up of strong, yet ladylike elegance in the form of vintage-inspired florals and sexy day dresses. These clothes are whimsical and unique, while entirely wearable. Looking for your next must-have? Carmelita Couture is it!


front row

a book

review by Allison O’Connor


ew York City, 1945. Marjorie Jacobson and her best friend, Marty Garrett, arrive fresh from the Kappa house at the University of Iowa hoping to find summer positions as shopgirls. Turned away from the top department stores, they miraculously find jobs as pages at Tiffany & Co., becoming the first women to ever work on the sales floor, a diamond-filled day job replete with Tiffany-blue shirtwaist dresses from Bonwit Teller’s—and the envy of all their friends. Looking back on that magical time in her life, Marjorie takes us back to when she and Marty rubbed elbows with the rich and famous, pinched pennies to eat at the Automat, experienced nightlife at La Martinique, and danced away their weekends with dashing midshipmen. Between being dazzled by Judy Garland’s honeymoon visit to Tiffany, celebrating VJ Day in Times Square, and mingling with Café society, she fell in love, learned unforgettable lessons, made important decisions that would change her future, and created the remarkable memories she now shares with all of us.

When I first heard about “Summer at Tiffany”, I was intrigued. I’ve only recently started reading memoirs, and this one looked like a perfect way to kick-off my summer reading list. As it turns out, the book was everything I hoped it would be and more! Just looking at the cover of the book, I was transported to New York City in the 1940’s. Maybe it’s a misconception or an overly romanticized way for me to look at things, but it really did seem like a different city then. It seemed cleaner, fresher, and infinitely more personal. Don’t get me wrong, I love New York.  Manhattan is a place where you can’t help but feel alive.  But the Manhattan of the 1940’s seemed to really be a special place in time. That is exactly the Manhattan Marjorie Hart tells about in this book. Marjorie was a small-town girl, going to college in her home state of Iowa.  In the summer of 1945, she went to New York to experience city life, see the sights, and enjoy all New York had to offer.  With her

best friend Marty at her side, she braved the crowds, visited the tourist attractions, and dined out in fine restaurants, trying her best to fit in and come across more worldly than she knew she was. I felt the giddiness unique to the time when you’re in your early twenties and finally starting to make your way as an adult in the world. You still have that child-like sense of wonder, yet the responsibilities and desires of adulthood are finally starting to become a part of your life. Marjorie’s story highlights all of that. Not just a trip down memory lane, “Summer at Tiffany” acquainted me with places I have never seen, such as the Automat, Toffenetti’s, and the Hotel Astor. It made me want to visit Jones beach, even though I’m sure it’s quite different now than it was in the 40s. Marjorie Hart had the unique experience of being able to observe the rich and famous without the red carpet and clamoring paparazzi. Her account of the time Judy Garland visited Tiffany made me wish I could have met her too, if for no other reason than to hear her laugh and charm everyone she met.

The world changed that summer. Marjorie and Marty experienced it all, up close and live. They both wept when the plane crashed into the Empire State Building, terrifying everyone around. And they celebrated in the street at Times Square when the Japanese surrendered. This memoir is sweet and timeless, and it reminded me to take full advantage of every single minute of my life.  That is certainly what Marjorie Hart did that summer. From the Author’s Notes at the end of the book (I bought the trade paperback,) I can tell that’s what she has done her entire life. There was something special and unique about America during WWII.  Marjorie Hart brought some of that to life in “Summer at Tiffany”.  I definitely recommend this summery, heartwarming memoir.

i close


Dan Rhema was a family man who enjoyed traveling the world with his wife and children. At one time, the family settled for a bit in Mexico. It was during this time that the rains came, and brought with them Dengue Fever. Rhema contracted the fever as well as Spinal Meningitis, and went on to suffer multiple brain infections. He made it back to a United States hospital, but the fight was far from over, and soon Rhema would see himself floating above his own body, in a near death experience. He survived. Or did he? While it’s true that Rhema did wake up, and did eventually leave the hospital and return to his family, he was never the same. A different man had emerged from that abyss. He had no memory of his wedding or other significant events in his life and had difficulty discerning fact from fiction. He was trapped between this world and the next.

Fergie Gets Wet ‘N Wild

It’s the age of celebrity models, and many stars are lending their names and faces to top product lines and adding beauty campaigns to their resumes. The latest? Fergie for Wet ‘N Wild! We are super excited for this one. Wet ‘N Wild has long been a fave of the beauty addict on a budget. This marks the first time that the company has partnered with a celebrity, and the deal is said to be a multi-year, worldwide initiative. Who better than the Duchess? Never one to shy away from the spotlight, Fergie is the perfect pick for the brand’s popping palettes and shimmery hues! Photo from Wet ‘N Wild Beauty


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Dan Rhema was not an artist before he went to Mexico, but now, he found within himself an irresistible compulsion to create. What followed was a series of paintings in brilliant hues with powerful themes and found object art so intense, that some folks have trouble being in the same room with it. I Close My Eyes to See is a book constructed of interviews with Dan Rhema, set to his artwork, telling the amazing story. Rhema takes us along as lucky passengers on his journey as he navigates the blurred boundary between life and death. *Editor’s note- It was quite difficult to choose which images to include in this piece. The story is best told from beginning to end, without interruption, as each image signifies a significant point in the artist’s journey. To purchase I Close My Eyes to See, visit april 2012

“That day I went away and I came back a different person.”

“It didn’t seem right for me to die.”

“I thought I was being tortured. I couldn’t understand why the nurses were beating my arm with a hammer.”

“I was a lucid dreamer before, but these were something else entirely”

“I’m content to let the mystery be.”

“And for years after The Fever my head felt as if it were on fire”


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april 2012


The Finer Side of Being a Fashionable Real Man


ost men think they are pretty interesting. While Fashionable Real Men is here to contribute to all men equally on this front, we do so recognizing a few pinnacles of achievement. Ryan Gosling’s wardrobe, George Clooney’s dentist, Robert De Niro’s…career. These “Captains of Industry”, “industry” in this sense being the nature of their infallibility, have no equals and do not fill roles offered by equal opportunity employers. Not just anyone can be as suave, as classic, or possess that timeless quality that keeps people coming back for more. Among all the glory and glad-handing, however, there is one man that has something that all others want. A title created by Dos Equis, their anointed “Most Interesting Man in the World” has bowled overhand, aced a Rorschach test, and his organ donation card also lists his beard. Now I know what you’re thinking. “What the hell is this; Fashionable Real Men is talking about a fictional person?” You see even though the character was created as a sarcastic take on being cool, we all have the capable tendency to be just as cool as he is, thus making him, albeit indirectly, real. Contrary to what may or may not be popular belief, “The Most Interesting Man in the World” is actually relatable to the average man if only for one thing; even he can be wrong from time to time. Take for example his recent quote - “I do not know what

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this is” - when asked about his thoughts on man-scaping. Let me be clear: Any man whose beard makes an appearance on his organ donation card not only knows what man-scaping is, he is no novice at it. Now before anyone leaves the room to do 50 push-ups and buy stock in Dos Equis, in all fairness I consider myself a fan of Jonathan Coleman and “The Most Interesting Man in the World” campaign; that one contradiction just rubs me the wrong way…much the same as a bad shave does. A recent addition to the modern-day vernacular, man-scaping is a young term but not a terribly young practice. For decades men have either been risking life and – ahem, “limb”, or shunning the entire concept of man-scaping, more often than not with the justification for both sides being the preference of ones’ significant other. Is there a right answer? If only. I strongly doubt anyone needs a magazine article to validate their opinion on the topic, but Fashionable Real Men can offer some advice. A good rule of thumb (if you have no objections) is the more formal an occasion,

the barer you can go. For all we know you could coordinate shaving with the clarity of Orion’s belt and be on to something. Ultimately, do what feels comfortable. After all, as my mother used to say, “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.” You should maybe write that down. At the end of the day we recognize that manscaping will continue to be up for debate, and that while it works for some it may not be a popular trend among others. Agreeable to all though, is a quality shave. Costing a bit more than 2 cents today, few things in the world are as universally welcomed among men than a truly great shave and haircut. As Cedric the Entertainer put it in Barbershop; “In my day, a barber was a counselor. He was a fashion expert.” There are two aspects of impeccable style all men should have yet cannot be found in his closet, a tailor and a barber. For the record, what I do not mean is walking into your nearest “Fantastic Sam’s” and plopping down with | FrM |


whoever happens to not be on break, nor buying a suit from an hourly at your nearest “Burlington Coat Factory”. A man’s relationship with these people should be one built on mutual respect. These gentlemen should most definitely be on your Christmas card list. Beginning with Homecomings, Senior Proms and Graduations and continuing to Interviews, Promotions and Weddings, an integral part of preparation for a lifetime of prominent events is a wellexecuted haircut and shave. Becoming aware of a great name in this sector of personal style, Fashionable Real Men dropped by our nearest “The Art of Shaving” location to talk with the team about their philosophy behind what makes a better-than-good-enough shave. Our hunch is that it’s a little more than the number of blades on your razor and how many “Mach’s” it can reach in the race from 0 to bleed. Fashionable Real Men: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us. Men have been shaving for a long time. Only 16 years old, what about The Art of Shaving makes it such a great asset for men of any age? The Art of Shaving: Effectively it’s an establishment designed with men in mind. Our mission statement is to inform about and provide tools for the “perfect shave” to men. A husband and wife created the 4 elements of this “perfect shave” for her husband, and his response was so positive that he felt as though he should not be the only guy able to enjoy it. They sold their car to open a storefront in Lexington Ave., NY, which is still open today. The Art of Shaving brand has an old-time feel with a new spin that is appealing to the young demographic but a methodology that attracts those who have been shaving for decades.

right out; the Brush vs Hand, Aerosol Can vs Lather and, of course, a Straight Razor vs “Mach 14”. What are some of the benefits of going one way versus another? AoS: Big question. Well, there are many advantages in going with the brush, lather and straight, or “safety” razor. In essence, the brush allows for use of a far smaller amount of cream every time you shave. Lifting hairs away from face without matting them down, a brush allows for a shave closer to the root of the hair without harming the skin. For the aerosol can versus the lather, if you can see through to your hand with you shaving cream in your hand, it’s a high quality. Contrary to popular belief that more and thicker is better, thicker cream will adhere to the blade rather than hair, pulling them away from the face. Cans also have various preservatives and accelerants that are incredibly hard on skin and create a “cold lather” when used – this is detrimental to the quality of a shave as it closes pores. The lather is warm and by opening pores, it generates a more conducive environment

with which to shave. And razors. Still true after 120 years and still technique-oriented, single-edge razors are always the best, most efficient way to shave. The drawback to a multi-blade is that it literally is (up to) 5 shaves in one, causing 5 times the chance of irritation. This isn’t good for anyone’s skin. Also, the straight razor is a larger initial investment but will cost far less in the long run to maintain. Some men choose the straight for this reason alone. FRMen: Maintenance. Let’s talk about that for a moment or two. Aos: Well there are 2 main tools involved here. The first is a classic tool to maintain the edge called the strop, which is a leather belt with an opposing canvas side. Used to keep a blade at its’ straightest between sharpening’s, the strop is typically used before each shave. Second is a wet stone; a grit stone designed to re-sharpen the blade. Modern wet stones are made from carbon steel and don’t need to used more than about once a year on average.

clean shaven “As we discussed, nothing is more classic and basically timeless than a clean, well-executed shave. Once you’ve found the shave, you can easily find the outfit to match by sticking with just as timeless pieces. Timeless items look good for a reason – they never cease to just work.” - Versace Collection Wool Blend Suit: $995 - Lacoste Club Long Sleeve Solid Stretch Poplin Shirt: $125 - The Hill-Side Yarn-Dyed Twill Tie: $76 - To Boot Windsor Lace-Up Wingtips: $400

FRMen: One of the first nuances of The Art of Shaving’s approach is the use of pre-shave oil…why? AoS: The oil is definitely one of the keystones of the perfect shave. When you shave you are taking a few layers of skin off, and the oil creates additional layers of protection. Using essential oils such as black pepper and clove oil, the beard is softened and the pores opened. This is especially in more sensitive areas such as the neck. FRMen: Obviously when it comes to shaving; there are 3 differences that pop


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april 2012

man get much more out of it. But here’s the trick; the first couple times may seem like the process is a bit drawn out, but once the skill set is developed it will be as much of a time-commitment as any other shave. FRMen: Ok; we have to ask. Manscaping…go. AoS: Do whatever you like, just don’t half-ass something. Your face is the first thing people see, so we always from the “making-animpression” perspective that it’s worth taking the time to pay attention to yourself. As for other areas, they may not be the first thing

people see but they are definitely worth the time still. There is no right way; that’s the best part. FRMen: Well said. We couldn’t agree more. Judging from the line, you have some work to get back to. Thank you very much for your time and for helping us get our minds around how to get a higher caliber shave with a little art influence. Nick Ceraso is Front Row Monthly’s Director of Menswear and Owner of Scared Bunny Entertainment.

with some scruff “Similar to getting a haircut, one of the best parts of a great shave comes a few days after, when stubble and scruff come in. Scruff is universal and can transition between more formal and more relaxed occasions easily. Just because you didn’t shave doesn’t mean you didn’t consider where you were going when you got ready. - Scotch & Soda Double Layer Cardigan: $180 - J. Crew 484 Slim Fit Raw Selvedge Denim Jeans: $225 - J. Crew Harrington Suede Bucks: $178 - 1901 Braided Leather Belt: $59.50

FRMen: Clearly the concept behind The Art of Shaving is a good one. Are there any “trade secrets” that you have learned that you care to no longer keep to yourself? AoS: (Laughs) Just one. Don’t rush. If you have to, spend another 10 minutes on it to make it more enjoyable. Any guy who has done this will say if you make a ritual out of shaving you will enjoy it much more than considering it a chore. Shaving is a masculine duty. Appreciate it. There isn’t much of a difference between young and older men on their opinion of shaving. It’s all in how you approach it. Those who look at it as a social necessity tend to dislike it and those that look at it as a benefit of being a a p r il 2012

with a full beard “Compliment a full beard with a solid-color, tailored and slim-cut 2-button suit. This gives a great dichotomy of being relaxed and more laid back while still pulling things together crisply. Oh, and forget the tie. Let your beard do the talking.” - Burberry Milbury Slim Fit Suit in Navy: $1,250 - Gucci Brown Leather Lace-Up Shoe: $495 - Saint James Meridien Strip Shirt: $95 - Desanto Italia Belts Saffiano Leather Belt: $119 | FrM |


“You stayed where!?!”

That’s been a common response when I’ve told my American friends who haven’t travelled that I stay in hostels. Followed shortly by, “Have you seen the movie?” Um...No, maybe I’ve just been lucky because we all know that everything that happens in a movie is exactly how it goes down in real life. If that was the case, no one would live in New York, Los Angeles, or any other major city where all the aliens, monsters, and other far-fetched catastrophes happen on a regular basis. For those of you who don’t know about the movie Hostel, it’s about a couple of young adults who are staying in a hostel, get kidnapped and a bunch of awful stuff happens to them. At least that’s my understanding of its plot. And frankly, had someone followed me and any combination of the people I’ve met on my travels with a camera they could have made more money off that film than what Hostel made.


I didn’t learn about these low-cost communal hotels until I was on a pub crawl in Italy. An American girl told me about I didn’t get to stay in one until I was on vacation in New Zealand a couple of years later. In between that time I stayed at a dorm in Spain where I met up with 3 guys from New Zealand, whom I had met in Italy on the aforementioned pub crawl, for the Running of the Bulls. I later would learn that the dorm was pretty close to a real hostel. After visiting my in Switzerland, going to Italy and then moving on to Spain I was | FrM | brother

april 2012

by Keith Knezovich

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hooked on travelling. There was so much more to see and do and amazing people I had yet to meet. Upon my arrival in New Zealand I hopped a cab to what would be my first hostel and some interesting memories. I met two guys from England on the cab ride who were staying at the same place. We decided to drop our bags and head out for a beer before we unpacked. One beer at a nearby bar turned into many beers at a different bar well into the morning. The next few days were amazing. The beaches, the landscape, the Kiwis, and the whole atmosphere are almost indescribable and to this day it’s the place I always say I’d return to over and over. However, one thing that sticks out in my mind about New Zealand just as much as the list above is getting launched by the two English lads 30’ in the air off of a giant air pillow in a water park. I ended up cracking my orbital bone from hitting the water face first. To this day 13 stone is not an acceptable answer to, “How much do you weigh?” However, what was scary at the time is now a great memory and a pretty funny story. In planning a month long trip through Europe, became my travel guide and booking agent. I ended up in hostels in Athens, Stockholm, London, Paris,


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Barcelona, and Ibiza. In Athens I got to sit on the hostel roof and share drinks and stories with people from Las Vegas, Colorado, two different parts of Canada and Israel while in perfect view of the Acropolis and Parthenon. In Stockholm it was a larger group of people from even more countries. You meet amazing people in hostels from all over the world, each with their own unique story and way of approaching life that adds to the already unique experience of being in a foreign country. Adding to your story in that particular country isn’t the only thing that happens. I’ve met people that have changed how I look at life and made me realize you have to enjoy every aspect of living. I found a quote recently that sums it up perfectly. “Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living.” – Miriam Beard.

Over the last 5 years I’ve been to 15 different countries and have made dozens of new friends that I still talk to today. We’ve unknowingly stumbled onto a nude beach, had a picnic under the Eiffel Tower, hiked the Inca Trail, been thrown out of places, convinced people I was from a country that doesn’t exist and shared some of the best times of my life. I can tell you that Machu Picchu is breath-taking, but seeing it with a friend I met in Athens made it a little more special. The most important link to all this is that I met these people, experienced more of life, and have made people laugh at stories I’ve come home with because I chose to stay in the hostels. Try it. At a hostel you’ll find the cheapest tours with the best tour guides, the most comfortable beds you’ve ever slept in, and you might even find yourself. *What the hell are you waiting for? Start planning a trip. april 2012

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april 2012



by Adam Hornyak

If there is one thing I know better than mail fraud, it is television. Working out of my home, I get to watch for hours and hours as I slave away in front of my computer trying to come up with crap for you overly critical people to read. Because I get paid jack shit at this magazine, I decided to cancel my cable, hoping to finally buy some name brand groceries. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. My daily routine involves waking up, pounding down a few shots, heating up some leftover pizza, and sitting on the couch where I spend the rest of my day. Normally, I would watch ESPN and other sports related programming, but football isn’t currently in season, and I can’t stand any others. Basketball consists of nothing but freakish, thyroid cases, and hockey has entirely too many shiftless Canadians, so my cable decision didn’t take that much thought. However, I have found myself in a search for some other type of television to occupy my time, as I craved a new, mind-numbing outlet. Thanks to removing cable from my life, I now only get 4 channels, leaving my options limited to trash. I remember the better days of what network programming was once like. I apparently grew up in a much simpler time where respectability and restraint ruled the airwaves. Back in the good ol’ days, we had talk shows like Sally Jesse Raphael and Geraldo which provided America with topical episodes that everyone could embrace. Do you remember when Sally conducted tasteful broadcasts like “Who is Having Sex with my Pet”, or “Your Private Parts Smell like Latex”? It was an era when talk shows provided informative programming, while keeping a level of intrinsic decorum, all of which has managed to change at some point. I recently witnessed an episode of Jerry Springer, entitled “3 Pigs in a Trailer” wherein an obese family felt the need to share their lifestyle with the world. When I say that they were obese, they weren’t just a tad overweight. We are talking ‘cut a hole in the side of the house to remove the corpse with a forklift’ fat. I’ve seen the width of plenty of doors in my day. How this family was able to get out of the trailer, onto a plane, and into the studio completely blows my mind. Jerry Springer has notoriously conducted these kinds of broadcasts, making me confused as to how shows like this are able to maintain the level of viewership and advertising revenue to stay afloat. Since DNA testing now seems to permeate the talk show landscape, I would request that condom ads be legally mandatory during commercial breaks instead of the plethora of personal injury attorneys or the “You can earn a living by getting a degree…” at whatever piece of shit online “university” that is popular that week. Oh, you’re a Phoenix? No. You are a methadone patient that graduated the 13th grade, acquiring the college equivalent of a GED. Keep the” Phoenix” moniker to yourself around me, but feel free to brag about it to your other 7-Eleven coworkers. I guess that I’m mostly distressed at the folks who turn up on these shows. This country apparently has a tremendous amount of people who are attention seeking miscreants that need a venue to air their grievances. Every talk show episode that I have seen lately seems to revolve around who is the baby daddy, or who cheated on whom with whose cousin. It also seems that every show has the exact same a p r il 2012

guest profile. I know that you’ve all seen them. Typically, we are dealing with two muffin-topped women, each fighting over a 115 pound, buzzed-cut, baby machine. Eventually, the two women throw haymakers in what has embarrassingly become a staple of American pop culture as hairpulling quickly evolves into wigs falling upon the stage. As a side note, why is it that these jobless asswipes always seem to be named ‘Dwayne’? Not surprisingly, everyone possesses a deep-country drawl rivaling that of Yosemite Sam, inventing remarkable new words like “under-mestermate”, as well as phrases like “You’re hypocriting yourself ”. I didn’t major in English, but I’m pretty sure that “hypocrite” is not a verb. Christ. Some of the funniest shit I’ve seen in the past few weeks are mothers who are vehemently adamant that they know who the father of their baby is, yet the General Dollar DNA test comes back negative as the soon-to-be father refers to it as a “fraternity test”. To see the look on their faces (knowing that I will one day be in those shoes), is a priceless reminder that whores tend to be problematic in the longterm spectrum of life. As is my argument for condom ads, I implore congress to pass legislation requiring chemical castration for anybody impulsively playing out their personal soap operas on national television. Jerry Springer guests should never be allowed to procreate. I know respectable, solid couples that are incapable of having children. The fact that these hillbilly jerkoffs are bizarrely sexually potent, but more importantly determined to repopulate the earth with future Jerry guests, you would think that a governmental committee could be developed to at least discuss the issue. The fact that laws don’t exist to exterminate this inbred part of our society befuddles the hell out of me. With the influx of social media, there are more and more people out there willing to share their deepest and darkest personal lives with friends and family, but to do it in front of a nationally televised audience is obscene. You must be the textbook definition of a moron to place your world in a window for everyone to view. Alright. I should lay off a bit. I kind of get it. You received the rare opportunity to go to the airport and ride on one of “them flyin’ busses” as well as stay in a “fancy motel”. Great. Now, every one of your trailer park neighbors knows that you’ve been sleeping with your fiancé’s stepfather. You should recognize that your free vacation to Stamford, CT was free if you don’t count it costing you your dignity. I’m going to continue watching these guilty pleasures, if for no other reason than to make me feel better about myself. Hopefully, I’ll meet a lovely young toothless woman tomorrow who, attempting to concoct a Virgin Mary tale of lies, will try to insinuate that her 4-year old son is immaculately mine. If I’m lucky, she will even accuse me of sleeping with her uncle Ned. Either way, residents of Stamford, I’ll see you soon. Don’t worry, I will do my best not to “hypocrit” myself. To reach Adam, please send your complaints to | FrM |



I n T his C orner Matty the Mack Daddy

VS. The Church of Scientology…sort of! Part One of Four It all began one evening over drinks with my editor.

“Go on,” I said, tying off and slapping at the vein in the crook of my arm.

I had just downed another shot of Seagram’s and chased it with my fifth Miller Lite. She sipped quietly on her iced tea.

“It’s an undercover exposé of sorts,” she said. “We’re looking for someone to infiltrate the Church of Scientology.”

She told me she could tell that something was bothering me.

Now, I knew very little about this strange religion, other that the fact that it involved spaceships and reincarnation and uberweirdos like Tom Cruise.

“I got nothing,” I said finally. It was two days before the deadline for my April FRM column and I had drawn dead. The “idea well”, as they say, had run dry. This wasn’t simply a case of writer’s block. I had some ideas, good ones too. But I’d had my fill of the bureaucratic red tape and had demanded a face-to-face with my editor to tell her as much. The final straw came when she nixed my Pulitzer-worthy idea of a one on one interview with the ghost of Kim Jong Il. “I’ll get to the bottom of what makes that funny little man tick!” I told her. In the end, however, she rejected the idea, citing the logistical impossibilities of communicating with the dead and claiming nothing in the 2012 budget for “the dark arts”. “I don’t know what to write,” I said. Ah, but she was a savvy one. She’d been around the block; dealt with her share of writers before. We’re a sensitive bunch. We need our egos stroked. We need to be fed copious amounts of alcohol and psychotropic drugs. And occasionally we need a nudge in the right direction. “Well,” she began. “There is this one idea that we were hoping someone would take on.”


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“I’ll do it!” I exclaimed, never one to let careful consideration and informed contemplation stand in the way of making a snap decision. I thanked my editor for the opportunity and bolted for the door, sticking her with the check in the process. Three days later, I sobered up and embarked upon my newly-assigned task. We decided that I would go to Hollywood, the de facto headquarters of the Church of Scientology, where I would pose as a recently widowed attorney, looking for spiritual guidance in an otherwise ungodly world. I would claim that an East Coast friend suggested that I try Scientology, and so here I was; fresh clay to mold, if you will. The plan was for me to fully immerse myself in the Church; to befriend fellow Scientologists, participate in their rituals, undergo the “auditing” process, as they call it. In the end, I would either validate them as a sound, reasonable religion or expose them as the cult-like fraud many claim them to be. We also agreed that we would touch base at least one time per week to make sure that I remained objective and didn’t get too sucked in or “Travolta’d”, as we called it.

As I prepared for my trip, however, some of the facts that I uncovered during my research proved to be quite shocking. “Did you know it costs nearly $400,000 to become a member of the Church of Scientololgy?” I said to my wife. “How does that in any way impact you?” she asked. “Because I need to move to California for a few months to infiltrate the Church.” “You have three small children and a fulltime job. You’re not going anywhere, mister,” she told me. “Look woman,” I replied defiantly. “You can’t tell me what to do.” “Fine. Go,” she said. “But you’re going to miss your fantasy baseball draft.” With a trip to California now out of the picture, and no way to really get the story that I needed, I had to figure out what to do next. Luckily, we writers are trained in how to act if it looks like we’ll miss a deadline. That is, complete and absolute avoidance. For several weeks, I didn’t answer my cellphone. I never checked email and refused to reply to one of my editor’s numerous texts. Eventually, however, she tracked me down at home. I only heard one half of the telephone conversation that ensued; that of my wife; which went something like this… “Hello. He’s fine. Why would you be worried? He’s not in California, he’s right here. Of course I’m sure. He’s sitting on the couch eating chocolate-covered popcorn and watching reruns of ‘The Match Game’.” At this point, I jumped up from the couch, april 2012

and began waving my arms frantically. “I think he wants me to tell you hello,” my wife told her, completely missing the point of my frenzied gesturing. My editor asked to speak to me and, out of options, I was forced to accept. “Hello.” “Why aren’t you in California?” she asked, not sounding nearly as worried as the conversation I’d just overhead would have led me to believe. “Things were getting too hot,” I lied. “I had to bail.” “Really? Are you OK?” “I should be,” dramatic pause, “...eventually.” “Did you get anything good?” she asked. I assured her that I did. In fact, I told her, this story was going to be earth-shattering! “Well….let’s hear what you got.” Uh-oh. I started to panic. In olden days, I would’ve bitten through the telephone cord, severing the connection. Curse you cordless telephones!! “It’s a think piece,” I began, “About a mid-level religion struggling with its own limitations in the harsh face of stardom.” I crossed my fingers and prayed that she hadn’t seen “Almost Famous” or at least didn’t get the reference. There was a pause and then… “I like it!” she said. “Let’s make it a fourpart series beginning in April and running through July.” God damn it!, I thought. “Great,” I said. I was stuck. I needed to come up with something quick. And if it wasn’t going to be Scientology, it had to be something eerily similar. And then it dawned on me….the Insane Clown Posse! If there were any group of people as assbackwards and completely off their rockers as Scientologists, it had to be the Juggalos; the face-painting, Faygo-soaked morons that follow the beliefs handed down by the I.C.P.! As my investigation took shape, the similarities were uncanny! According to Scientology, people are a p r il 2012

immortal spiritual beings called “thetans” who are trapped on this planet in a “meat body” and have forgotten their true nature. As told in the “Space Opera”, the story of “Xenu” an alien dictator and ruler of the Galactic Confederacy, thetans have lived many prior lives both on Earth and in extraterrestrial worlds. Scientologists go through an “auditing” process whereby they re-live traumatic events from their past lives in order to truly free themselves. Scientology’s only-slightly less wacky cousin tells of six spirits in a traveling carnival called the “Joker Cards” that try to save each human’s soul by pointing out the wickedness inherent in one’s self. This “Dark Carnival” serves as a sort of limbo where souls await judgment, levied upon them by such beings as The Great Milenko and the Amazing Jeckyl Brothers. If the carnival grounds become too crowded, a large, continuing explosion called Bang!Pow!Boom! arrives and clears them away. Oh my Xenu (or, if you prefer, oh my Milenko)! The resemblance is palpable! The Juggalos can count the Rockstar from Mars, Charlie Sheen, among their followers, along with chubby, loners throughout the world. Scientologists have Lisa Marie Presley along with chubby actress Kirstie Alley. It looks like getting my story won’t be that hard at all. And I won’t even have to leave my couch to do it. I even entered a Juggalo chat room, posing as one of their own (codename: Hardhat) in an effort to elicit candid discussion and unearth confidential, members-only matters.

When the time was just right, I proudly handed her my article, which had been sloppily scribbled onto the back of a Denny’s placemat. “What the fuck is this?” she asked, quickly perusing it. “Did you even go to Hollywood?” “I went to a chatroom,” I replied. “A Scientology chat room?” “Well….it was for fans of the Insane Clown Posse.” She then launched into a ten minute verbal haranguing that would’ve made a trucker blush and forced the poor baristas at Starbucks to cower behind the counter. She even refused to read my dissertation on the parallel beliefs of L. Ron Hubbard and Shaggy 2 Dope! “I guess this means I don’t get the four-part series?” I asked. She didn’t reply. In fact, she didn’t speak to me for the next several weeks. But in the end, she is more than just my editor. She is my sister. Which meant that my mother made her start speaking to me again and even re-invite me to my nephew’s birthday party! And, never one to let a good teaching moment slip by, your old friend Matty learned several valuable life lessons which I will now pass on to you. Lesson #1: Never blindly accept a writing assignment, especially when well past the legal intoxication limit.

Hardhat: Yo! Wazzup! How do you feel about the FBI referring to us as a “looselyorganized hybrid gang”?

Lesson #2: When you promise a ten thousand word essay involving an undercover immersion into a bizarre, secretive religion but deliver five hundred words about Juggalos, expect a cold reception and fewer free drink tickets at the next staff party!

HaterKilla – Yo Juggalo 4 life!

Oh well. Live and learn.

Hardhat: Right on! But seriously, they referred to us as a “transient, criminal group with a general destructive and violent nature.”

Next Month: Matty C tackles the South American Teenage Sex Slave Trade.

HaterKilla – Yo Juggalo 4 life!

Matt C., Front Row Monthly’s hammerin’ humorist, levies literary jabs and written uppercuts at any and all subjects.

I’d planned to save more of the transcript for parts two through four of my exposé!

Wait a minute. I need to call my editor.

When I could push the deadline no further, I cobbled together my findings and prepared to hand it in. I chose to meet my editor and make the delivery in person. | FrM |



| FrM |

april 2012

Front Row Monthly | April 2012 FRM is a unique magazine providing a modern blend of fashion, art, music and news. FRM is, in itself, a style— contempo...

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