Dita Von Teese The “Queen of Burlesque” talks to FRM!
the coolest winter fashion
to buy for yourself
you can use as a weapon
TABLE of CONTENTS 6 12 24
on the COVER 16 24 28 36
Gifts For Yourself Dita Von Teese Layer Up Shoes As A Weapon
FASHION 6 8 10 12 14 22
Illusion Dress Zhanna Darling Favorite Things B.O.B. Must Haves Target Holiday Collection
FEATURES 40 Iris Apfel 50 The Hornyak Method 55 AFI Fest
COLUMNS 35 60 63
RADAR In This Corner Train Wrecked
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Gina Hussar ART DIRECTOR Rob Soltis MANAGING DIRECTOR Edwin Shaw SENIOR FASHION EDITOR Marysa Gorski ACCESSORIES EDITOR Kaitlyn McCall Pieri ASSISTANT FASHION EDITOR Anna Benedetti GRAPHIC DESIGN Rob Soltis
FEATURED WRITERS Matt Caruso, Adam Hornyak, Jeffrey Clouser, Aaron Valentic, Shaylee Capatolla, Rob Soltis, Leigh Morrow Calhoun, Marysa Gorski, Katie Parrish David Waselkow, Nikki Pollo, Chris Balogh, Kiersten Fierno, Amanda Mcgranahan, Sarah Stright
CORRESPONDENTS WEST WEST COAST PRODUCTION MANAGER Felicia Gargani SEATTLE Leigh Morrow Calhoun DENVER Sarah Ewalt
CORRESPONDENTS EAST MIAMI Marie Colom WASHINGTON D.C. Jeffrey Clouser NEW YORK CITY Julienne Shaw
INTERNATIONAL LONDON Sara Antes Rigg NEW ZEALAND Rahat Chaudry
COVER Dita Von Teese PHOTO Gabor Ekecs
DEAR READERS D ita Von Teese!!! Still pinching myself. I am a huge fan and beyond excited to see her on an FRM cover. In fact, I am amazed at the success and opportunities that Front Row Monthly has enjoyed in the last year. We grew 114% in one month!! But so did my children. And because of that, it is with a heavy heart that I announce that this is our final issue.
We are currently weighing our options, talking to some publishers and existing entities about merging etc, but we also want to be sure that FRM remains what we wanted it to be, and that a merger wouldn’t mean an additional 40 hours of work per week! Will we re-launch? Maybe. Will Marysa and Rob leave us for Vogue and Adam and Matt end up in jail? Probably. Only time will tell and a period of re-grouping is in order. I have so much love and gratitude for my amazing staff and am so proud of the work they have done. But in the last couple of months, it has become clear (both through reader requests and industry forums) that there are many expansion initiatives we would need to put in place to compete in our market: mobile apps, e-commerce, interactive content etc. For those of you who don’t know, I began this as a blog just in June of 2011. I am a mom of three beautiful kids. I can do a lot and have done a lot. But these expansion initiatives are beyond my realm of expertise and require resources that I simply don’t have in my living room. =) Implementing them on my own would require a great deal of travel and time away from my kids. The internet will always be here, but they won’t always be young. My youngest is just six months old and came at a time of great growth for us which meant that I spent most of my time looking at the computer. For the next six I will be looking at this baby. (Pretty sure my husband would like me to look at him once in a while too.) My kids think what I do is super cool. I have visited their school to talk about it, put their friends on mock magazine covers, shared some of the celebrity interviews we have done. (The Hines Ward cover made me the coolest mom in Pittsburgh). But I explained to the older ones that taking this to the next level would mean that mommy would be working even more and may have to go away on some trips etc. This is how the conversation went down: Me: Mommy wants to talk to you guys about the magazine. If I want it to grow even more, I have to work a lot more hours and maybe take some trips. I don’t HAVE to do that. But then I wouldn’t have a magazine The 6 year old: (with her impossibly big, blue eyes) Can you just be mom and play? The 8 year old: Yeah. What sissy said. Be mom and play. You got it kiddos. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your support over the last year and half. But for now, I have a Wii Sports title to defend and I’m late for a Kidz Bop dance party. See ya soon....maybe. ;)
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The Illusion Dress by Kaitlyn McCall Pieri
Illusion Pencil Dress
So you haven’t had time to go to the gym, or it’s that time of the month when you’re feeling bloated and NOTHING in your closet is working. Don’t worry ladies! I have the PERFECT dress for you. This ultra-slimming, shapeshifting, body-contouring dress will create an illusion that you are sporting the best hour glass figure possible. The way each vertical panel is placed on these dresses cause the eye to see a slimmer-looking shape. Celebrities are wearing this look on the red carpet, but I found some affordable bi-color dresses for you to try out! It’s your new best friend. Kaitlyn McCall Pieri Accessories Editor @Urban_Flamingo TheUrbanFlaming.blogspot.com
Miss Serfride Nude & Black Bodycon Dress
Lipsy Foil Bodycon Dress
I Dream of Jeans Zhanna Darling’s fashion day dreams Suddenly, it seems the days are all melting into one another. Suddenly, it seems I blinked myself into December. And with December comes a lot o’ shopping. Each December brings with it newer trends, cooler clothes, sparklier trinkets. So where does one begin? How about with bracelets and charms that were popularized (if not revolutionized) by Leandra Medine (The Man Repeller). This December you can have your happily ever after after all. Happily ever after comes in all shapes and sizes, this year happily ever after comes in the form of Venessa Arizaga arm parties, charm bracelets, chunky bright sparks of goodness. Wear it on your wrist, wear it on your ankle, wear it on your neck, wear it like you MEAN it. Remember when you were six and on a constant search for bright and shiny and pretty accessories to decorate your wrists with? Or was that just me? In any case, these things are it. If I could, I would travel back in time to tell myself to wait a measly 18 years. Woulda shoulda coulda. But you already knew that. And who can say no to an arm party? So this December don’t just dress yourself up, dress up your wrists, and while you’re at it try a neck party and ankle party. You’ll thank me later. venessaarizaga.com Follow me on twitter for my favorite summer staples @Zhanna_Darling!
my favorite things:
Rococo-ing Baroque!! by Leigh Morrow Calhoun
Embellishments, gilded surfaces, grandeur, and opulence are just a few fab moments highlighting Rococo/Baroque periods. I’m in love with the romance and down-right pretentiousness; these bespoke the era of indulgence and bourgeois fair. How many times have I watched “Marie Antoinette” starring Kirsten Dunst? Let’s not go there; I’m not particularly paying attention to the dialog. Instead, I devour the grandiose days of careless spending on the French populace’s behalf and the protagonist female who cannot escape punishment because her divine multitude of frivolous goodies was just too much of a splendorous thing. Therefore, this month I am celebrating our present day designers having learned from the past: adapt a modern twist on an old favorite without getting beheaded due to the greater good of fashion and art. Ladies and Gents, here is the latest revival of My Favorite Things: Roccoco-ing Baroque! 1. Antoinette Rebornviviennewestwood.co.uk 2. Beckoning Romanceislandfurnitureco.com 3. Embellish! miumiu.com 4. Grand Entrance enricocassina.itindex.aspx 5. Inlaid Indulgence andrewgn.com 6. Gilded Spectator dolcegabbana.com 7. Opulence versace.com 8. Recycling Rococo wimdelvoye.be 9. Le Clutch alexandermcqueen.com 10. Lavender Splendor chanel.comen_US 11. self Indulge voltexdesign.com 12. Petits fours on these trays please! luxxbox.com 13. Petticoat Premier! angelafriedman.com 14. Re-imagined Bourgeois kennydavisdesign.wordpress.com 4 o’clock tea meadhamkirchhoff.com
battle Callender Signature of the Bespoke Eyewear brands by Marysa Gorski
For this month’s Battle of the Brands, we have a brand for both the gals AND the guys ;) Sunglasses are one of my most FAVORITE accessories. The right shades can totally take your outfit (and attitude) from drab to fab. I mean, admit it. I know I’m not the ONLY person who feels like a total badass when I’m wearing the right sunnies…correct? That’s what I thought. And that’s exactly what Callender Signature Bespoke Eyewear is. Bad. Ass. Callender Signature believes that your signature represents who you are and so should your shades! Celebs like Solange Knowles, Mos Def, Aaron Carter, Miguel and Deon Young have been spotted rockin’ the shades…and who can blame them! They are AMAZE. Callender Signature designs unique, fashion sunglasses that are recognized by their remarkable embellishments and signature metallic thread trim accents. You will feel nothing less than fabulous while sporting this wearable art! “At Callender Signature it’s all in the details,” said Founder and CoFounder, Christopher Callender and Alexander Almonte, “Our clients appreciate and embrace individuality. From choosing the color of the thread to adding embellishments, we create a truly bespoke experience that bonds them to our art.” The collection is made up of frames that anyone could wear! Callender Signature has something for both the ladies and gents with any face shape and style preference ;) Personally, I’m in love with the Can’t Touch This design. “This collection boasts fantastic shapes that were hand picked with the intention of providing a great fit for every face while matching our customer’s personality and style. Function is also very important to us. We use high quality polycarbonate lenses that protect the eyes from harmful UVA/B/C rays and provide an exceptional level of clarity and visibility. Add to that the choice of our signature thread accents and our customers are left with a wearable art that is uniquely theirs.” And a final reason why this brand has the Marysa Stamp of Approval? Each pair of sunglasses is made to order, which kind of makes the whole exchange between company and customer more intimate. Who wouldn’t love that? Which you do love? Check out the entire collection at callendersignature.com!
Marysa’s Must-Haves: The new fave of Senior Fashion Editor Marysa Gorski This month at FRM, we are ADORING ADORNIA! Adornia is the “modern jeweler for a new generation of women.” New to the accessories scene, Adornia was founded in 2012 by two friends, jewelry enthusiasts and industry experts, Becca and Moran…or better known as Bex and Mo. (Aren’t they adorable!?) Both girls realized that there wasn’t a website to purchase stylish, fine jewelry. Soon after, the Adornia Collection was born! Judging by both the girl’s past experience (Bex-former Accessories Editor of Lucky Magazine/Fashion Editor of Redbook. Mo-former retail operator for Catherine Malandrino and Diesel) it was only expected that this line would be nothing but a success. Adornia offers an assortment of pieces that “unite the design direction of costume jewelry with the quality of fine jewelry.” One of the main goals of the brand is to build a woman’s jewelry collection without having to sacrifice style for quality. The Adornia Collection is primarily made up of golds, silvers and precious stones. Each piece is created to meet the foundation of every woman’s needs when it comes to accessorizing: both staple and themed pieces, which are trend-driven and unique. The Adornia Collection gets MY stamp of approval because it is perfect for the young, professional, independent female who is coming into her own. Every young woman should have accessories that are mature and fashionable…accessories that can be paired with a cocktail dress, business attire or simply jeans and a t-shirt. To view the entire Adornia Collection, visit adornia.com. Wine, anyone?
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Ho Ho Ho! (Insert groans here). It’s that time of year and considering that the malls have had Christmas trees up since the day after Halloween, you might as well embrace it. But you don’t have to go all “sausage of the month” club and pashmina shawls. While other magazines have wonderfully practical ideas for your gift-giving needs, we decided to help you out with some gift ideas that aren’t practical at all. Not even a little. Take a look at our favorite picks from fredflare.com Happy Holidays! 1. Disney Couture Shark Bracelet- So that’s what really happened to Ariel? 2. I Could Pee On This and Other Poems by Cats- ‘ nuff said. 3. Ninja-Bread men cookie cutters- Because gingerbread men are SOOO boring. 4. Bi-Curious George- hehe....hehehe 5. Ruby Slipper socks- for the man too cheap to buy the shoes. 6. Cat Scratch DJ set- because this looks freaking hilarious 7. Graffiti coloring book- expand your child’s horizons... or turn him into a tagging delinquent 8. How to speak Wookie- Your brother might have the death star up in the attic, but we bet he doesn’t have this yet. 9. Toilet Mug- For your man. Because no matter how old a man gets, poop and farts still make him laugh. 10. It’s a monkey. He rides a uni-cycle while cutting your pizza. You totally need this. For the record, there are some sweet “real” gifts on the site too. Hop on over to www.fredflare.com. We’ll take one of each. Oh really you shouldn’t have.....
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Paola Suhonen does it all by Marysa Gorski
Most of us know and recognize Paola as the Finnish designer behind the Ivana Helsinki fashion line, which has grown to be an international brand over the past ten years. We know Paola as a talented visionary who draws inspiration from her dark, naïve mind-landscapes, northern legends and western romance. We know her as an artist who has worked product development, print and concept design for companies like TopShop, Google, Coca-Cola, Canon and Swarovski. While Paola’s resume would knock most of ours out of the water, she has added yet another title to that list: filmmaker. We had a chance to chat with Paola about her love for cinematography and how she got involved. Take a look! Front Row Monthly: Ivana Helsinki is an independent art, fashion and cinema brand. How do you do it all? Paola Suhonen: Well…I have two jobs, one is fashion designer, the other is cinematographer--I’m quite passionate about both of them, and it’s a great mix to have these two art forms to play with. Ivana Helsinki is a lifestyle to me--I live my work! FRM: How did you get involved with cinema, specifically? PS: I’ve always loved doing little clips with old VHS cameras. When I was a teenager I started to shoot my snowboarding videos and I guess that’s how everything got started. I’ve never been a film freak and film is more a tool for my own art for me, not an overall interest. It was quite easy then to start shooting my own fashion mood films, my friend’s music films and I got involved with real film, which is my great love. I love 16mm especially because it has more edge, soul and life to it. I applied to my dream school, AFI, here in Hollywood and got in. I just graduated this summer and did my masters in cinematography. FRM: What inspires you when you are creating your short films? PS: My own memories, lived life, road trips and love stories. I love weird black humor that is hidden in the drama. It’s a bizarre feeling that you see something tragic going on, but at the same time, it’s a bit off and kind of weirdly humoristic. I love drama! FRM: I love that you use your films as a means to supplement your collections. So different from all the other designers. Do you feel that cinema helps you stand out as a brand? PS: Absolutely! For me it’s a way to explain the story behind the collections. For me fashion is quite uninteresting if there is no mood or feeling behind it–I need a deeper connection with things. For me film is adventure - the way to escape, to live your dreams, and to get away. My clothes are just souvenirs from this soul world. FRM: Truly inspiring. Thank you Paola! To visit Paola’s world, head toivanahelsinki.com
Target Holiday Collection Hits Stores st December 1 By Aaron Valentic It’s that time of year, and depending upon your personal preferences, you either love it or you hate it. I cannot resist getting a wonderfully wrapped gift, paired with a sumptuous ribbon; it just makes my heart race! The holiday season upon and we are separated into two groups; those who plan months and months in advance have everyone’s gift by Halloween, and those who wait until two weeks before the gift-giving season begins to start shopping for everyone on their lists, dashing through stores in a panic and knocking over baby strollers and elderly shoppers in the race for that perfect must-have . Yes, there are the basic gifts such as hand crème, and there is always the gift card option, but isn’t it time for a change? This season, there is. For the 2012 Holiday Season, Neiman Marcus paired up with Target to create The Target + Neiman Marcus Holiday Collection, featuring some of the country’s most sought after designers creating one-of-a-kind gifts to be given this year. Designers that are a part of the collaboration showcase the best in American design, with designers like Marc Jacobs, Jason Wu, Oscar de la Renta, Marchesa, Tory Burch and Rag and Bone contributing to the collaboration. Most items will be priced under $60, but the entire collection will range from $7.99 to $499. With some many gift choices available, I personally selected the top five gifts to give for everyone on your list this year, just to make your holidays a little less hectic. The collection will be available in stores and online on December 1st. For Him - Rag and Bone Men’s Sweater, $70 For Her - Lela Rose Dress, $100 For the Child - Marchesa Girl’s Beaded Dress, $100 For the Hostess - A ltuzarra Double Old Fashioned Glasses, $50 for three; Tray, $50; and Shaker, $80 For the Pet - Oscar de la Renta Pet Bowl, $30 **Images Courtesy of Target.
DITA VON TEESE by Gina Hussar
Photo by Star Foreman
The word “stripper,” for most of us, calls to mind a smoke-filled bar, with beer guzzling men holding out way too many twenties to questionably young girls in hot pink G-strings. If that is your only experience with strippers, you are missing out. They call her the “Queen of Burlesque,” and by “they” we mean everyone who matters. Dita Von Teese has taken more than one industry by storm. With her carefully choreographed sensual performances, Ms. Von Teese has catapulted to fame as the world’s most popular burlesque dancer. But it is her porcelain skin, old-Hollywood beauty and classic elegance that have made her a darling of the fashion industry as well. She is a costume designer, a clothing designer behind her line The Dita Von Teese Collection, a model, a dancer and has appeared in several films and music videos. She epitomizes sex appeal with a subtlety that is reminiscent of decades long gone. She is stunning always, intimidating sometimes. But she is forever, unapologetically, Dita. FRM: You are a fashion addict and, in our opinion, a fashion icon. What do you love about playing dress up? Do you have a favorite designer? Dita: I love the way clothes can change the way you feel, the way they exude facets of one’s personality. I think dressing can be a form of art. I have favorite designers for different things; I wear a lot of Roland Mouret, Moschino and vintage in my daily life, and of course I have my own clothing collection which is all based on pieces from my own vintage collection that have a timeless feel. FRM: Every time we turn on the TV or log
on to the internet, sex is right in our faces! SO many women lack the art of subtlety but you have perfected sex appeal. You have made it an art form. Why are so many other women not getting it right? Dita: I think they are confusing what it is to be sexy. Confidence and acceptance of our differences is what makes us alluring, and also sometimes they are forgetting that the blend of elegance plus the risqué is a magical combination for sex appeal. I love blending high sophistication with things that are somewhat taboo, a bit like Helmut Newton would; it’s about a subtle balance. FRM: Is it true that you do your own makeup and do not have a stylist? Dita: Yes, that is true. I have always believed in self-creation, and I hate to rely on anyone else for my glamour. FRM: We love that! What drew you to Burlesque? What is it about the 1940’s that inspires you? Dita: I don’t really feel like I was actually “drawn” to it, because when I started, there wasn’t much of a burlesque scene at all like there is now. I was just a girl who started making retro style striptease shows, in fact, I didn’t even know what the word burlesque was really when I started in the early 90s. It wasn’t until I really started learning more about the history of striptease that I learned of this word “burlesque”, and even then it wasn’t even important to me to call myself a “burlesque dancer”. That was just even more confusing to people! Now almost twenty years into my career as a burlesque dancer, I still sort of cut to the chase and say I’m a stripper so I don’t have to explain what burlesque is! Anyway, to answer your question about what drew me to create lavish striptease numbers, there are a few things. One is that I didn’t feel I easily fit into the mainstream image of American beauty, so I liked the idea of creating glamour, and emulating the look of my classic Hollywood icons and vintage pinups. It was very clear to me that these images were created. And when I started looking at the vintage pinup magazines like “Eyeful”, “Titter”, etc, there I found that almost every model posing in lingerie back then were also striptease dancers in burlesque shows. So this was the parallel I saw between pinup and striptease, and you know, it’s a little like it is today, lots of
the Playboy and men’s magazine models are also working in strip clubs. I enjoy creating my shows, hands on, and presenting them, reminding people of a time when striptease was a real form of entertainment that had mainstream stars, like Gypsy Rose Lee and Lili St. Cyr. I want to change people’s minds about what it was and can be to be a stripper. FRM: If we were to stop by your house unexpectedly, how would we find you? Sweatpants or silk and heels? Dita: I do not own any sweatpants, yet I wouldn’t be silly enough to be parading around in heels without a purpose, my feet need a rest! But I collect vintage loungewear from the 30s and 40s, so I’m usually wearing a slip or dressing gown. I don’t save my fancy things for special occasions. FRM: We heard that you split your time time between L.A. and Paris. Does your style differ depending on what city you are in? Dita: I find that I’m more extravagant and eccentric in Paris, because it’s more acceptable there. People understand and appreciate style there, whereas I find in LA, you get people trying so hard to look like they don’t care about how they look, and so they almost get offended when you out-dress them, which is easy! FRM: You are a performer, an author, a trained designer, a model, and have acted as well. Is performing still your first love? Dita: Yes, but it’s more than that, it’s the process of creating the acts that makes performing them so rewarding. It’s much different than just performing, I’m involved in every aspect of the building of the shows, so the reason I love performing is to show what I’ve created. FRM: Any new projects coming up? Dita: I have my lingerie line, my dress line, a makeup collection, and I’m working on my second perfume which comes out this fall. I’m also starting up my tour of my show Strip Strip Hooray again in October in New york City. FRM: (Notebooks out men) How can a man get your attention? What makes a man sexy? Dita: A sense of humor is key; I’ve recently rediscovered that for me, laughter in a relationship is non-negotiable! Other things I admire are good manners, elegance, talent, ambition, and good style.
FRM: Your body is perfect. What do you do to stay in such amazing shape? Dita: Pilates is my main form of exercise. FRM: Darn. We were hoping you would say red wine.
The breakdown: Please comment on the following things: - Snooki I don’t know her, so I cannot comment.
- That’s ok. The rest of the world comments enough for all of us. Reality TV -love it or hate it? I don’t really watch TV, but I occasionally do when I’m in a hotel room and don’t feel like going out, I will get wrapped up in a show. I will watch just to see what the fuss is about. But I sort of feel sorry for people that have to do them, and I’m annoyed by people that don’t know when to turn the cameras off.
- Spray Tans Certainly better than a real tan, less dangerous and less aging. I’m glad I don’t need to bother with this high maintenance thing!
- In a fire you would save? My cat.
- Item in your handbag at all times A powder compact and red lipstick, my phone and some money.
- People would be surprised to know that you… This is a really hard question to answer when you’re just you...I guess it’s about public perception, which I’m somewhat unaware of. I guess they are always surprised I don’t wear jeans and sweatpants, since I’m asked that in every interview. FRM: No jeans. No sweats. Got it. Thanks so much Dita. Always creating, Dita has launched The Dita Von Teese collection, a retroglam line featuring just five pieces, each intricately crafted with couture detailing and a focus on the female silhouette. For more information, visit dita.net or facebook.com/DitaVonTeeseMuse
Put some clothes on! Lots of them. This holiday season, as the temps plummet, stay warm with layers. And layers. And more layers. photo Ewa Sawicka / Ewalds&Sawicki model Gosia Siwinska make up Ewelina Wisniewska hair Przemek Krupa / SPINKY stylist Dorota Michael / Style Monster
Fields is the anti-aging company to watch! by Marysa Gorski
Rodan + Fields has products for almost every skin issue! Say goodbye to brown spots, dullness and sun damage. Toot-a-loo to acne and post acne marks! Sayonara wrinkles, big pores and facial redness! For anyone with troubled skin, this may seem too good to be true until you try it out! Christie Brimmeier, a Rodan + Fields consultant, customized a skincare regimen that most suited me…the Anti-Age. The Anti-Age regimen was amazing and so simple. Christie set me up with a Daily Cleansing Mask, Pore Minimizing Toner, Triple Defense Treatment SPF 30 and Anti-Age Night Renewing Serum. Every morning, I would cleanse my face with the Daily Cleansing Mask. The cleansing mask’s purpose was to gently exfoliate, as well as smooth the skin. This was my favorite part of the entire process. The mask smells SO refreshing. It was such a wonderful way to start the day! After the mask was rinsed off, I would dab some of the toner on a cotton ball and apply it evenly. The toner helps with cell renewal and pore minimization while gently exfoliating. When my face seemed dry enough, I would then apply the Triple Defense Treatment SPF 30, which protects the skin from environmental damage while diminishing the appearance of lines and wrinkles. My evening routine was pretty similar! I would follow the first two steps, but three nights per week, I would apply the Anti-Age Night Renewing Serum before moisturizing. And for extra measure, once a week I would use a Micro-Dermabrasion Paste on clean, dry skin. This gave me that extra clean, smooth feeling! Loved it I can honestly say that I saw a difference in my skin after only two weeks. My face seemed to glow! My skin wasn’t dried out, my blemishes went away and my wrinkles seemed to be less noticeable! While I originally faced so many problems with my skin, this product seemed to take care of every issue that I had in just a few easy steps…and in no time at all! This product is absolutely amazing and I am now excited to show off my gorgeous skin this season. I will continue to use this product for as long as I can and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is dissatisfied with his or her complexion. There is something for everyone and IT WORKS. My friends, parents and boyfriend have noticed how radiant my skin has become as a result of Rodan + Fields. Don’t let your troubled complexion keep you from missing all of those holiday parties this year! Oh, and Rodan + Fields makes a great gift, too! ;) flawlessskinrx.myrandf.com
Herpen by Marysa Gorski
Dutch designer, Iris van Herpen, has been stretching the limits of creativity lately. Known as one of the most promising fashion designers in the industry today, van Herpen’s extravagant style and her novel use of radical materials is refreshing and cutting edge. You know you are on to something when Lady Gaga and Björk are two of your most devoted clientele! For van Herpen’s AW12 couture collection, “Hybrid Holism,” the models were rocking “Thorn” shoes, which are a product of her sixth successful collaboration with United Nude. Rem D. Koolhaas and Galahad Clark founded United Nude, which was launched in 2003. Van Herpen’s design for the Thorn shoe combines liquid slow molded uppers and sharp-spiked stones. You will look like a total badass while standing on the 7.4 (!!!!!!) inch heels! The spikes are made from hand cut stones (Labradorite, Tiger’s Eye, Leipard Jasper and Moss Agate) and are strategically placed between the platform and the heel, creating the thorns. You will be the most FEROCIOUS fashionista in the room with these babies on! But hurry and get them quick because “Thorn” will be produced in limited quantities. “Creating new shoes with Iris is a greater challenge each time. The new shoes have to be better than the previous and the techniques used for making them advance. We race against the clock and fly people all over the world to get the shoes to Paris. The excitement to see her show is something we live up to a long time in advance and is one of our most proud artistic highlights of the year.” –Rem D. Koolhaas, Founder and Creative Director of United Nude. The booties are available in glossy nude and glossy matt black. Get yours. irisvanherpen.com unitednude.com
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Caitlin Kelly Designer Swimwear the MAIN reason we are excited for spring break! by Marysa Gorski
ophisticated, chic, sexy and edgy. These are the four words that come to mind when asked what is desired in that “new” swimsuit you search for every spring. And these four words are exactly what you will get when you are frolicking on the beaches or lounging by the pool this summer while wearing a Caitlin Kelly original! “The line is geared towards the sophisticated, chic, confident maven,” said designer, Caitlin Kelly. “She’s an expert in style and knows what she wants. She seeks style in new and innovative silhouettes. She appreciates attention to detail and thus is not afraid to stand out in a crowd. Her style is classic with a modern twist. She remains timeless at any age.” Caitlin gained much experience in the industry and flourished creatively while studying at FIT. She interned and later worked for Winlit (now known as G-iii, an outerwear designer for Ellen Tracy, Guess and Private Label.) Soon after receiving her associate’s and BFA degrees (as well as an International Associate’s Degree from Polimoda International Fashion Institute in Flourence, Italy) she found herself starting the career of her dreams in the swimwear industry for AH Schreiber in 2006. Caitlin designed swimwear for Badgley Mischka and for the men’s swimwear line at Target, and soon after accepted the position of Head Designer for Aerin Rose Swimwear in 2011. The line left quite an impression on the owner of Jordan Taylor, Jordan Taylor Greenberg. He gave Caitlin the chance to create her own line of high-end swimwear and the rest is history. Caitlin Kelly Designer Swimwear was born. The S/S2013 line debuted in July 2012 at MercedesBenz Fashion Week in Miami. The Caitlin Kelly Designer Swimwear consists of monokinis, bikinis, one-pieces and cover ups and the line has already caught the eye of Hard Rock Hotel Magazine, Rated, Inside Couture and WWD. There is something for everyone! “The line consists of novelty fabrications from Italy and Canada,” said Caitlin. “Textures, buttery fabrications and ornate patterns on overlaying fabrics that draw a woman in, enticing her to feel the garment and try it on. When a woman steps out in her swimsuit, she’s allowing the world to see her in her second skin. Soft, breathable fabrications allow her body to feel absolute comfort while the inner workings of the garment sculpt her figure and give her support where she needs it most.” caitlin-kelly.com
On the Tropical Shots & Teal Backgrounds Rich Jackson (Miami, FL)
On the Urban Shots & White Backgrounds Willis Roberts (New York, NY)
Caitlinâ€™s Head Shot Willis Roberts (New York, NY) Make Up: Anneliesse Tieck
Inspired by Iris Apfel, Interior Designer, Fashion Icon, all around legend Photographer Temira Decay | Yellow Bubbles (or the websiteÂ yellowbubbles.com) Model Raven Le Faye Jewelry/Styling Spoiled Cherry MuA Fabulous by Tarzanna Wardrobe Saks Fifth Avenue
“You only have one trip, you might as well enjoy it” –Iris Apfel
LET’S SEE WHERE THIS
FRM is not Bso ANGING THING CAN TAKE US proud to present...
In today’s society, meeting new people can be a difficult and stressful journey.
Hornyak At Hornyak Industries, we take the games out of dating to ensure that your sex life is as uncomplicated as possible.
method With over 6 weeks of sex experience, Adam Hornyak has proven his veracity in more than 2 positions, and is willing to try new ones (so long as they don’t require any preliminary stretching).
For those looking for a one-night stand, or something more intense that will disappoint God, a tall drink of water named Hornyak is waiting for you.
Love is in the airâ€Ś (Well, maybe not for that chick in the background. Even obscured, she kind of looks bitchy).
The Hornyak Method GOOD LUCK TRYING TO FORGET ME
People always ask me the same question.
“Adam, how is it that you are 36 years old
and have only had sex twice?” The
a family, or c
answer is simple. I spent my formative
years developing a technique to drill holes
in random cuts of meat, in the hope that it
would take care of business. Do you
styling that h
know how one performs ‘doggie-style’ on
name in my
a pork loin? No? Well, I do.
WHY ADAM? • HOLDS BACK EMOTIONAL ISSUES • REQUIRES NO MOTIVATION TO WATCH TV • OWNS HIS OWN SHAKE-WEIGHT • APPRECIATES WOMEN WITH DADDY ISSUES
“I once spent 10 minu
Adam Hornyak in a ould could have killed
• EVERY BIT OF 6’2”
ADAM HORNYAK CAN EASILY SOLVE THE “FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS” SITUATION THAT YOU SO DESPERATELY SEEK.
THE PARENT TRAP
Every woman that I meet is concerned about how their family will perceive such an attractive, mature man-whore such as me. I offer every woman that I am with a moneyback guarantee if their family finds me in any way offensive, rude, and/or potentially dangerous. Whether it is a judgmental grandmother, a morbidly obese aunt, or some sort of weird and embarrassing, masturbatory cousin, I promise that I will make every effort to find my way into their hearts.
, those years could have been developing a career, starting
catching up on Three’s
eruns. However eccentric a
y find my persona, they always
ment in the break-dance
THE PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING
Don’t take my word on it. Listen to what satisfied clients had to say about my prowess:
has made me a household own household.
utes alone with
an empty room. He totally
d me, but didn’t.
“I have never seen a grown man cry so much. I mean, seriously, why is he always in the fetal position?” Shannon R.
Jamie L. March, 2008
“I don’t know if he is naturally hairless, or goes the extra mile to look like a shar pei, but his body is strangely appealing. I am pretty sure that I now understand the true meaning of love.” David S.
LET’S SEE WHERE THIS BANGING THING CAN TAKE US
In today’s society, meeting new people can be a difficult and stressful journey. At Hornyak Industries, we take the games out of dating to ensure that your sex life is as uncomplicated as possible. With over 6 weeks of sex experience, Adam Hornyak has proven his veracity in more than 2 positions, and is willing to try new ones (so long as they don’t require any preliminary stretching). For those looking for a one-night stand, or something more intense that will disappoint God, a tall drink of water named Hornyak is waiting for you.
by Chris Hill
From Nov 1st to the 8th AFI FEST (American Film Institute) Presented by Audi descended upon Hollywood setting up camp at the historic Grummanâ€™s Chinese theater, as well as sister theater The Egyptian. The 2012 Fest delivered many standout films. As the final major fest of the season, AFI typically brings out some of the best films that have been featured in other festivals as well as US premiers, and major releases that draw quite a bit of star power. From the Opening Gala of Hitchcock to the closing Gala of Lincoln, this yearâ€™s AFI had a little something for everyone. With so many standout films in every category, a sampling is the best way to go for as diverse a cross section as possible.
John Dies At The End
Starring: Cho Min-Soo, Lee Jung-Jin Director Kim Ki-Duk Pieta comes to AFI fest for its US premiere fresh off its Golden Lion win at the Venice Film Festival. An engrossing and truly South Korean film that is equal parts family drama and revenge story. Pieta follows Gang Do (Lee Jung-Jin) a loan shark who collects debts on loans by crippling the debtor, recouping the loan from the injury’s insurance payment. When a woman claiming to be his mother (Cho Min-Soo) shows up on his doorstep looking to reunite, the normally emotionless Gang Do is forced to confront his abandonment issues as well as his lifestyle. Featuring a few scenes that truly cross a few boundaries, (such as when Gang Do gets a handy from his mother,) South Korea’s submission to the Academy Awards for best foreign film leaves a lasting impression.
Grade – 86/100
Young Americans Ape
Starring: Joshua Burge, Gary Bosek, Daniel Falicki, Jason Rath Director: Joel Potrykus Struggling comic Trevor Newandyke lives for stand up and when he is not practicing, he plays with fire and complains. Surrounded by an indifferent club owner and a hack comic, he makes a deal with a/the Devil at a roadside fruit stand exchanging a joke for an apple. Upon eating the fruit Trevor’s life gets increasingly more bizarre, replete with a growth out of his abdomen. While never overly funny nor profound, Ape is random and for some that might be enough. It’s only at the end that Ape pushes Trevor far enough past apathy, given his situation.
Grade – 72
Starring: Chase Williamson, Rob Mayes, Clancy Brown, Paul Giamatti Director: Don Coscarelli Director Don Coscarelli is a cult film icon helming such films as BeastMaster, Phantasm and Bubba Ho Tep. His latest film John Dies at the End is the epitome of a Midnight Movie. Dave Wong (Chase Williamson) recounts his outlandish story to reporter Arnie (Paul Giamatti) about how he and John are able to see creatures from other dimensions with the help of a new drug that goes by the street name “Soy Sauce.” Time shifts, people die and are reanimated, cuts of meat fuse together to form a monster, soy sauce sprouts wings. A mustache leaves a body to attack. Does it make sense? At times. Are there plot holes? Of course. Is it fun? Absolutely. John Dies at the End is so outlandish and entertaining that it warrants repeat viewing. It is that much fun.
Grade – 89
Breakthrough Category The Most Fun I’ve Ever Had With My Pants On Starring: Drew Denny, Sarah Hagan Director: Drew Denny
Written, Produced, Directed and Starring Drew Denny TMFIEHWMPO follows two former childhood friends Andy(Drew Denny) and Liv (Sarah Hagan) who travel together across the southwest to scatter the ashes of Andy’s deceased father, heading towards Austin where Liv has an audition set up as a femme fatale. The Cinematography is outstanding, showcasing all the majestic beauty that draws people to the southwest. Never giving a back story on the characters leading up to the road trip, it is only through their interaction that we discover who each of these strong women are. Newcomer Denny has delivered a small film that is beautiful to watch.
Grade – 78
New Auteur Category A Hijacking
Starring: Pilou Asbaek, Soran Malling, Darl Salim Director: Tobias Lindholm When you realize that this is the first feature film to be directed by Tobias Lindholm you cannot help but be blown away. It would be an accomplishment for an established Director let alone for the first time helmer. A Danish ship is taken hostage by Somali Pirates sharing equal time between the captive crew and the Danish Shipping Companies Negotiation team. Over the next few months the psychological games continue to get amped up against the crew, while the negotiating team tries to come to a resolution that will get their ship and their crew home. Lindholm achieves a delicate balance between the claustrophobic ship and the corporate world of the negotiation team. Every time we become engrossed in the plight of the Hostages we are pulled away into the world of the CEO who is negotiating directly, only to be pulled back once again when fully engrossed in how the ransom is going to be resolved. This constant shift continually peaks interest until the final outcome. Lindholm’s first film is an outstanding achievement.
Grade - 94 There you have it. The best of AFI. Not sure what to do this weekend? Grab a date and some popcorn. cinemaassassin.com
By: Leigh Morrow Calhoun
ust browse through Eddie Vedder’s album covers and one eerily whispers: quiet-lonely-impactful. The image I am referring to is a photograph of a masculine sculpture seated at a desk typing away while submerged underwater. This is Vedder’s “Ukulele Song’s” album, and that sculpture, my friends, is created by Jason deCaires Taylor; A sculptor, photographer, logistical whiz, and oceanic lover. Jason produces works solely for his audience to view underwater. He creates extraordinary out of the mundane; continuously conscience of how the human race affects the planet, Jason spins a new concept on the old religion of sculpture. He has created over two hundred expertly sculpted figures out of environmentally safe materials so sea creatures have habitats to thrive in. Also, just recently, Jason created a series of houses for each individual species so they can use it to escape predators through certain sized and shaped holes within the walls. Jason’s passion lies within his use of photography to record the metamorphosis of his pieces thus capturing the evolution of life within the ordinary poses of his figures. Whether it may be algae, coral, or fish living within his work, Jason places an acknowledgment within his audience of how humanity impacts the environment. Ladies and Gents, here is my interview with Jason deCaires Taylor: LMC: Which area of your work are you most obsessed with? Jason: Definitely the photography aspect. The only problem with that is I’m always afraid I won’t capture a shot in time since the work is always changing. LMC: Can you tell me about how and why you came up with the idea of an underwater sculpture park and museum? Jason: I like the dual purpose of knowing that the work will be used for ecological good as well as not cluttering up our land with more buildings.
LMC: Where do you find the models for your work? Jason: I’m on the look-out at all times, assessing people in everyday places, especially in the park. LMC: The ‘Listener’ is a great interpretation of concept, lesson, and design. Tell me, the students involved in creating the ears for the project, are they still active in the results of its recordings? Jason: It was created a while ago, but there is a University that is still monitoring and recording every day underwater sounds. LMC: Your ‘Inverted Solitude’ is haunting. Why did you decide to suspend the figure upside down in the water? Jason: I wanted to create an alter presence or existence when you are viewing it from land. It is a very tricky site at two hundred feet deep. LMC: Has there been anyone who is against your work since you are placing objects into an ecological setting? Jason: No. The materials I use are well researched and the actual surface area I use is .001% of the ocean’s surface. LMC: Has there been any vandalism to your sculptures or is water the new ‘glass case?’ Jason: Occasionally, people like to sit on the sculptures for photos and this damages the coral. Also people like to write in the algae. All of this is disappointing since I created these habitats to preserve the surrounding nature. LMC: If you could create for anyone in the world, who would it be for? Jason: Richard Benson and dedicate an entire museum around an island. LMC: Have you been commissioned by any other celebrities lately? Jason: Yes, David Copperfield, I created a commissioned piece for his island! LMC: Your sculptures remind me of the sea monsters in the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie series. Do you think the acceptance of your work is because of the open mindedness Disney has provided in creating fantastic creatures on film? Jason: I try not to have reference to the sea in my work; it is about our own lives that my work reflects. I believe it contextualizes us with more meaning when you place it in that environment. Actually, I have turned down Disneyesque commissions because that’s not what my work is about. LMC: What’s next? Jason: Europe, Mediterranean, and Antarctica! LMC: Anything else you would like to inform Front Row Monthly’s readers? Jason: We are so fortunate to have coral in our Oceans, but due to acidification, rising temperatures, and poor waste management there won’t be any left in the future if we do not educate ourselves and start changing our habits now. Thank you, Jason, for your interview and passion for preservation and education through the use of sculptures and aquatic life. We look forward to your future work! To view more of Jason’s work, please go to: underwatersculpture.com
I n T his C orner Matty C.
VS. Childhood Myths! SPOILER ALERT!!!! THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS INFORMATION WITH RESPECT TO THE ALLEGED EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS, THE EASTER BUNNY AND OTHER BELOVED HOLIDAY ICONS. READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK! …actually, you should probably read anything I write at your own risk, but that’s neither here nor there! OK, dear readers, we’ve reached another December. That, of course, means it’s once again time to start convincing our beloved little children that if they don’t start behaving themselves they can forget about being on the receiving end of the benevolent nonsense that is Santa Claus! In last December’s piece, I explored in depth the Santa Claus myth, dismantling it down to its sugarplum-flavored core. In case you’ve forgotten, I encourage you to dig out a copy and refresh your memory. If you can’t find it on the internet, I’m sure it’s doing an adequate job of lining a bird cage somewhere nearby! This year I’d like to focus on some of the lesspopular but equally absurd childhood myths beginning, out of necessity, with the Tooth Fairy. As the father of a six-year old, I’ve found myself, over the last few months, having to carefully navigate the minefield into which this cash-for-teeth scam has evolved over the years. It began when my daughter lost her first tooth. I mean…she actually lost it. It fell
from her hands as she admired it, losing itself in the deep fibers of my living room carpet. After searching unsuccessfully on our hands and knees for a good half-hour, my wife and I can only assume that it eventually ended up as vacuum-cleaner fodder. This was actually a blessing in disguise as it made my job, as the unwilling Tooth Fairy, that much easier. With nothing to retrieve from beneath her pillow I was able to easily slide the twenty dollar bill under her head without disturbing her in the least. And yes, you read that right; Lainey’s first tooth netted her a cool, crisp Andrew Jackson! It wasn’t by design, mind you, but rather due to the fact that a twenty happened to be the smallest bill I had (what can I say, I saw my pimp earlier that evening!). More alarming, however, was the precedent that I was setting. If she gets twenty dollars this time, she’s going to expect the same next time. If you assume an average of twenty baby teeth that will eventually be lost, I’m looking at $400! And that’s just for one kid. Her brothers are certainly going to expect no less. Assuming that they remain ignorant to the laws of inflation, the belief, by my offspring, in this ridiculous legend is going to end up costing me over twelve hundred dollars! My wife and I decided that we could tell her that the Tooth Fairy gave her a little more this time since it was her first tooth, but that she shouldn’t expect the same going forward. This slight revision to the age-old fable could end up cutting our cash outlay in half. In the end, however, my daughter woke up delighted with the “one dollar” she received. My wife and I breathed a collective sigh of relief that basic economics was not taught in kindergarten, and tore up the Burger King
application that I’d filled out in anticipation of the need for a second job! The next tooth, however, brought with it an unexpected twist. Having managed to retain possession of the tooth after it had fallen from her jaw, Lainey asked for a “little box” to put it in for the Tooth Fairy. We obliged and she shoved it under her pillow, awaiting its conversion into cold, hard cash. Following my usual six to eight weeknight beers, I stumbled upstairs, strapped on my wings, and set out to perform my Tooth Fairy duties. As I slid my hand under her pillow however, I realized that retrieving the tooth was going to prove more difficult than anticipated. In what I can only assume was an effort to catch the Tooth Fairy red-handed, my clever little girl had slid the box all the way under the mattress cover! I guess she figured that the effort involved in freeing it would be enough to wake her up, allowing her to meet her fabled hero in person. Fuck! My first attempt caused her to stir considerably, turning over and planting her head even more directly atop the small box. Not wanting to get caught, I dropped quickly to the floor, lying there motionless and straining my ears for any indication, positive or negative, that she had indeed woken up. As I lie there, I started to think of an excuse should she wake up and find her old man lying on the floor of her bedroom in the middle of the night. As you might imagine, none came! That’s because there is absolutely nothing that I could’ve said in that particular moment that would have made any sense in the least! Now panic was setting in! I realized that, if
caught, the only thing to do was admit the truth…that I was the fucking Tooth Fairy! I couldn’t begin to imagine what this may do to her fragile psyche! Maybe this is what turns normal kids into serial killers! Or worse, strippers! Why do we do this to ourselves as parents? There I was, at two-o-clock in the morning, in a cold sweat, all over some nonsensical fairy-tale that we are forced to perpetuate, and for what? I mean, at least the threat of Santa Claus may buy you a few weeks of acceptable behavior around the holidays! I pulled myself up to a kneeling position and was relieved to see that she was still soundly asleep. Carefully, I slid her head off of the pillow, allowing me to finally complete my task unhindered. Having successfully swapped a fin for a tiny incisor, I tip-toed out of her bedroom, opting to head back downstairs for another beer rather than trudging off to bed as had been initially planned. My next encounter with a mythological being proved nearly as precarious. It was March 17th; St. Patty’s Day, but also my son’s third birthday. As an added surprise, my wife arranged for a “visit” from a leprechaun. The story, as she told it to my children, was that during the night the leprechaun would show up and play various tricks on them. In addition to filling the house with green balloons, furniture was overturned, things were put back where they didn’t belong, the milk in the refrigerator was turned green and (my personal favorite) the water in the toilet was green, all of which perfectly delighted the children! My little boy couldn’t wait to call me at work to tell me what he had woken up to. I, like the responsible parent that I am, listened intently, “oohing” and “aahing” at all the appropriate moments. I guess it should’ve come as no surprise, therefore, when it reared its ugly head later that evening. I was disciplining the child who had, strangely, decided to pee on the floor of the bathroom rather than in his tiny potty. “Why did you do it, buddy?” I asked, as if he was suddenly going to come up with brilliant revelation that would make me go ‘OK, seems reasonable’. “I didn’t do it,” he claimed, unaware that he was pretty much alone atop our short list of suspects.
“Then who did?” I asked, giving him the benefit of the doubt; or at least the appearance thereof.
I had to find out how this bizarre tradition even came to being. My research uncovered the following:
The hare was a popular motif in medieval church art (now we’re getting somewhere!). In ancient times it was widely believed that the hare was a hermaphrodite (huh?). The idea that a hare could reproduce without loss of virginity led to an association with the “Virgin Mary”, with hares sometimes occurring in illuminated manuscripts and Northern European paintings of the Virgin and Christ Child (leave it to the Catholics and the French to come up with this nonsense!)… Eggs, like rabbits and hares, are fertility symbols of antiquity. Since birds lay eggs and rabbits and hares give birth to large litters in the early spring, these became symbols of the rising fertility of the earth at the March Equinox.
“It was…it was…” He looked up at me with his big, brown puppy dog eyes and asked “What’s him called again, Dada?” “What?” I asked indignantly. “You mean the leprechaun?” “Yes,” he quickly answered. “The leprechaun did it!” Ha! I had him now! Little did he know that by attempting to blame his crime on a nonexistent being he had more or less fully incriminated himself! Then it suddenly dawned on me…I didn’t have him! In fact, he had chosen the one card that I couldn’t play. By accepting and embracing my wife’s ludicrous plan I had more or less 1) admitted the existence of leprechauns and 2) acknowledged that one had visited my house that very day with the sole intention of causing undue mischief. How could I now claim that what he was alleging had happened, couldn’t be possible? I had no choice but to believe his plea of innocence. Well played, son. Well played. “OK pal,” I said, throwing an arm around his shoulders. “We’ll keep an eye out for him next year.” The next holiday was Easter, which of course means a visit from the Easter Bunny, whom I can only surmise exists solely so that parents don’t have to break it to their kids that all of these holiday visitors are, in fact, bullshit. I mean, come on, there’s no way they can go on believing his one, right? And once they come to grips with that, the rest of the pieces; Santa, the Tooth Fairy, Jesus; will all fall nicely into place! Santa I can buy. Hell, you run into one or two old guys that look like St. Nick each time you hit up Cracker Barrel for breakfast. And leprechauns? Show me one Irish guy under five foot two that doesn’t look and sound like the dude on the Lucky Charms box! But the Easter Bunny? Really? An oversized, anthropomorphic rabbit, who wears clothes and inexplicably hands out colorful eggs and chocolate effigies of himself. Now we’re just insulting the intelligence of our youth.
Wow…I did not see that coming. Where to begin… First off, I don’t believe that just because an animal has male and female reproductive organs it can necessarily self-fertilize. And even if it could, from what I remember of the Nativity story from my Sunday School days, drawing this parallel is a bit of a stretch! And as if I didn’t find the Easter Bunny creepy enough to begin with, now I have to worry about my poor children sitting on the lap of some horny, hermaphroditic rabbit? That’s it…this shit ends now! I stormed out of my office where I’d been doing my research, fully prepared to order my wife to take down the decorations, destroy the eggs that we colored and cancel any and all festivities pertaining to Easter. “Here,” she said, before I could even get one word out. “I’m going to bed. You’re the Birthday Fairy tonight.” Without replying, I stared forlornly down at the bag of balloons that had just been thrust into my arms. My daughter’s birthday was tomorrow. Sadly, I knew exactly what that meant. As if the traditions that I’ve described for you thus far weren’t dumb enough, in Matty C’s house we’ve invented another; the goddamn Birthday Fairy! The Birthday Fairy’s contribution to holiday folklore is actually rather banal. She (or, as it turns out tonight, he) simply fills the child’s room with a bevy of inflated balloons. The
Blowing up the first balloon left me feeling as winded as if I’d just completed a halfmarathon…and there were at least another twenty or so to go. About an hour later, my task was complete. I lay on the floor of my living room, gasping for air and surrounded by a score of colorful balloons that, if they were to pop, would fill the air of my home with the god-awful stench of Miller Lite and Doritos. My repose was short-lived, however, as I next needed to scatter said balloons across the carpet of my daughter’s bedroom. Here’s a question for you to ponder…how many fullyblown up balloons do you think one adult male can carry up two flights of stairs in one trip? The answer…not a whole fucking lot! After seven trips my stint as the Birthday Fairy was complete. I collapsed onto my bed and quickly drifted off to sleep where I dreamt of a world where the fantasies we believed in as children never went away. Only, as we aged and our tastes matured, so too did our fabled heroes. The Tooth Fairy is replaced by the Hair Fairy, who doesn’t fork over cash, but lowers the interest rate on my mortgage by several basis points for each follicle I lose. On St. Patty’s Day the leprechaun fills my bedroom with cans of Guinness and bowls of meaty stew. On my birthday, the Birthday Fairy gives me a hand job and lets me sleep in past 8am. And the Easter Bunny, well, that hermaphroditic freak better just stay the hell out of my bedroom! I guess it’s probably a good thing that we all grow up sometime!
child then gets to enjoy them for a whole thirty seconds before rushing downstairs leaving the balloons to drift aimlessly from room to room for the next month or so.
E E R I R K T ANW C D by Adam Hornyak
My editor and I had lunch at a very unpleasant Mexican restaurant, where she requested that I try my hand at a few new careers in order to see if I could come up any witty antic dotes from the experiences. I thought that it was a good idea, but it would require me to get off my ass. I don’t know how editors work, but from what I’ve seen, my supposition is that filler material for an editor equates to a bizarre form of a literary wet dream. When I signed up for this magazine, I was under the impression that I didn’t have to do any real work, but I figured that I could take the time to give it a shot.
If she falls for the line and comes back to my house she’s probably drunk, so I am able to quickly get her into my very dark bedroom where neither of us can see each other naked. Yadda, yadda, yadda, and we both fall asleep. The next morning, she will remember why she did me in the first place and notice that I’m covered chest to taint in Disney characters. When I recognize a look of disgust and hate in her eyes, I simply tell her “Hey, all I said was that I had 22 tats. I didn’t say that they will wash off in two days.” Usually, they will storm out of the house angry, stealing something along the way.
So how do I approach this? When I worked in radio and television, I performed a lot of interviews, but the questions were fed to me from a producer who did all of the leg work. The heavy lifting suddenly fell into my lap and I was the one that had to produce. I was responsible for getting out there to find an industry that I’ve never worked in before AND convince an owner to allow me full access for a day. I had to be cunning and, at the same time, prepare to be rejected. I had no clue where to begin my search, so I went to the one place where I can always clear my head. The strip club.
So back to Felicity, Chevy Cobalt, or whatever the hell her name was. As I talked to the misguided woman, and in typical Adam fashion, it hit me that maybe my first research project should be at the club. I decided to interview her. Oh, how proud my editor must be. She knew going into her research request that I wasn’t going to check out the day-to-day of a dental hygienist or sandwich shop owner. Strip club had to be one of her top fears.
The place was empty, so the girls were all hanging around bitching about their meth addictions and cheating boyfriends when a gorgeous (odds on single mother) started my way. She sat down beside me and asked for my name. Hers was Felicity, but that was obvious bullshit as every stripper doesn’t enter the world with a parents’ determination of a typical fake name. “Look at those hips and tight little ass. She is definitely going to be on a pole someday. Let’s name her Dynasty or Fiesta.” Shit, where I live, 90% of them are named after cars anyway. “NEXT LADY TO THE STAGE: FORD HYBRID!!!” She then asked what I do for a living, most likely gauging how much she can roll me for. This is an easy one to answer, and fellas, take my advice on this. Any women reading this can feel free to move on to the next page. Take your time. All done? Good. OK boys, here’s what I do. Since “Barely working writer” doesn’t come even slightly close to sparking a stripper/client flame as does “tattoo artist”. When I go to a club, I make it a point to wear long sleeve shirts so nothing is visible, and then lie through my teeth regarding my profession. For some reason, they go absolutely crazy. They always want to know how many I have, and I respond. When they ask to see, I tell them that I would rather show them off at my place. Since I don’t have any body ink, the long sleeve shirt is not the only premeditation that needs to be tended to prior to entering the Cattleman’s Club on exit 32. I’m forced to steal temporary tattoos from my niece’s toy box. They are usually tiny, rub-ons featuring Dora the Explorer, Cinderella, and Elmo.
I asked the high school dropout questions for two hours, buying her drinks all along the way in hopes of learning more about the taboo profession. With as many hours as I have spent in clubs, I figured I had heard everything. Not so. I asked the worst first question ever. “What was your strangest experience with a client?” finding out quickly that I didn’t want to hear the answer. “Well, I had this one freak who wanted me to…for $100” I know if I quote the entirety of what she said, my editor will not accept this article for print, so use your imagination. Now take the most disgusting part of your sexually explicit thought and multiply it by ten. Everybody has a price, I thought. “So how much WOULD you charge to piss on somebody’s chest?” I asked (Oops, sorry. Accidentally let the cat out of the bag there.) She pondered the question for a moment, and finally determined that $400 would meet the financial requirement. Wow. $400 seems awfully low, but I guess if you’re going to pee anyway, why not get paid? I’m sure that my editor will allow me to expense lap dances as any company would. Odd stream (no pun intended) of thought here, but what does the club put on a receipt for pissing on someone? There are still too many questions to be answered, so I need another trip to learn more about the fascinating world of the strip club. By the way Gina, I’ll have that expense report in by the end of the week. To contact Featured Writer Adam Hornyak, send your complaints to email@example.com
Many thanks and much love to the amazing staff of FRM. Itâ€™s been a great ride and I am blessed to know all of you. Excited for things ahead! See you at the bar! Love, Your Editor