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No. 1/10/13 *

October 2013 * MONTHLY

Tel: 640 208 566 * * Avenida de Gáldar 82 – Local 6B – San Fernando Tel: 928 943 773 Sleep Zone





10 week Spanish & German courses. Limited places – reserve today! 3 monthly payments. Translation services · Written translations NIE & Residencia help · Police reports etc.

Royal Academy GC

Call for more Info 928 149 074

El Tablero: C/. Rio de Janeiro 19 · Vecindario: C/. Fernando Guanarteme 16

PINS & NEEDLES All types of sewing work from fixing a zip to upholstering a sofa. For curtains, throws, cushions, blinds, upholstery, dressmaking, alterations call

667 303 818

Arguineguin • C.C Ancora • Local 92 – 94 NEW

FROZEN AND CANNED FOOD NEW FROM MANY EUROPEAN COUNTRIES Fruit Shop Local 101 (at the entrance of Ancora Centre)

Tel: 620 871 166

AIR CONDITIONING AND REFRIGERATOR TECHNICIAN Installation of air conditioning / heating. Repairs and maintenance to freezers, fridges, cooling systems for bars, restaurants, hotels & industrial plants.

628 209 141 3

24 hour callout service • Free estimates

C.C. Euro Centre, Local 37 – Open 1pm till 6pm Monday to Friday

Top Ten

GRAMMAR Peeves 1. “Your” and “you’re” are not the same word. 2. Apostrophes don’t form plural nouns. 3. “There”, “they’re”, and “their” are completely different words. 4. The contraction of “could have” is not spelled “could of”. 5. “To”, “too”,and “two”are also completely different words. 6. ”Its” is the possessive form of “it”. “It’s” is the contraction of “it is”. 7. “Then” shows sequents of events. “Than” is used to compare nouns. 8. “Affect” is a verb and “effect” is a noun. 9. “Irony” does not mean “anything that is unexpected”. 10. Your pants are “loose”. You “lose” your keys.

FUNNY A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"


Come and try it for free in our shop in Calle Domingo Suarez, Arguineguin, near the market sqare Liquid refills available in BELLISIMA, San Fernando Fusion, Arguineguin. and in Fusion FRUITY, TOBACCO, ALCOHOL & SWEET flavours now available with or without nicotine. Follow us on Officine Svapo Gran Canaria – Tel: +34 653 440 246


C/. Miguel Marrero, 14 B (next to Rocasa) ARGUINEGUIN Tel/Fax (+34) 928 185 675 Opening hours: 9:30am – 1:30pm 4:30pm – 8:00pm Saturdays 9:30am – 1:30pm

FUNNY At the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they’d give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, “If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, please step forward…”

We have English speaking staff who emphasize customer service and satisfaction. We help you find what works best for you. Eye testing method based on the latest technology. Original designer frames available. Fast service and delivery – good quality. Specialist in progressive lenses and contact lenses.


Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?" Paddy replies "no tanks, oi've only got a small garden." •

PROPERTY FOR RENT · Sonnenland Sonnenland: Newly renovated and tastefully furnished 1 bedroom apartments available for rent to retired people without animals. $800 / month incl. bills, 1 month deposit, 1 month agents fees. Tel. 645 952 952 · Bahia Meloneras Meloneras: Beautiful, large end terraced house for long term rent. Ground floor floor: large living room with American style fully equipped kitchen (fridge/freezer, ceramic hob, oven, dishwasher etc), guest toilet and laundry room with washing machine, one large terrace and garden from the living room and one from the kitchen. 1 st floor floor: 2 double bedrooms with fitted wardrobes, balcony, bathroom with tub. Basement Basement: Large living room/ bedroom and bathroom, separate entrance from outside and from inside. And above all that there is a large roof terrace with great views to the sea and Meloneras Golf. References / proof of income required. $1,500 / month incl. bills, 1 month deposit, 1 month agents fees. Tel. 645 952 952 · Sonnenland Sonnenland: Luxury large house with garage for 5 cars + 2 large rooms, dressing room, bathroom and shower. Ground floor floor: Living room, kitchen, office, toilet, bedroom en suite with jacuzzi and dressing room, terrace, garden and swimming pool. 1st floor floor: 4 bedrooms (3 of them en suite) with large fitted wardrobes and a terrace with views to the lighthouse. Rent: $2,500 /month + bills, 1 month deposit, 1 month agents fees. Tel. 645 952 952 Ingles: 1-bedroom · Playa del Ingles bungalow in small complex near Kasbah / Yumbo. €600 incl bills + 1 month deposit + 1 month agents fees. Tel. 645 952 952 · Pasito Blanco / Marina Marina: 2 duplex available with 2 bedrooms, terrace and balcony. Furnished $950, unfurnished $900 plus bills. 1 month deposit + 1 month agents fees. Working contract / proof of income

required. Available from September. Tel. 645 952 952 · Pasito Blanco/Marina Blanco/Marina: furnished duplex available with 3 bedrooms, terrace and balcony. $1,100 plus bills. 1 month deposit + 1 month agents fees. References / proof of income required. Tel. 645 952 952

PROPERTY WANTED TO RENT · Urgently needed for a waiting clients: unfurnished house with clients min. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, garage or parking on the premesis, large modern kitchen. In the area between San Agustin and Meloneras. Tel. 645 952 952 · All over the South South: Quality properties wanted to rent for waiting clients. Tel 645 952 952

PROPERTY FOR SALE Maspalomas · Maspalomas: 2-bedroom bungalow with American style kitchen, bathroom, covered terrace, community swimming pool. Aprox 51m2. Only €45 community fees. $160,000. Tel. 645 952 952 · Beautiful traditional style finca near Telde. This spectacular country house has 4 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms on the upper floor and on the ground floor there is a magnificent mahogany kitchen and matching dining room, as well as a spacious living room and a bathroom. There is also a separate apartment with a kitchen, toilet, studio and living room. There is just over 10,000m² of fertile land with its own watering system including a tank of over 500,000 litres. There are 463 fruit trees of various varieties including orange, lemon, avocado, mango, fig, grapefruit, guava, banana etc. This is a fully working finca producing approx. 46,000kg of fruit per year, which would make an excellent business on its own. The main house would make an ideal country club, wellness centre, B & B etc – or of course a fabulous family home. It is located near Telde, only 10 minutes from the airport, 10 minutes from Las Palmas and only 5 minutes

from the nearest supermarkets, town hall & hospitals. This property has an official valuation of $1,800,000. Price: $1,170,000. For more information or a viewing please call 645 952 952 · Playa del Inglés Inglés: 1-bedroom apartment in popular complex. $66,500. Tel. 645 952 952 · Playa del Inglés Inglés: Renovated 1bedroom apartment in a complex with various pools and tennis court. About 300mtrs from the beach. $95,000. Tel. 645 952 952 · Maspalomas Maspalomas: Nice, refurbished bungalows in Maspalomas, Campo International. Two floors, comprises terrace, living room-kitchen, toilet, bedroom and bathroom. $104,000. Tel. 645 952 952 · Bahia Feliz Feliz: 3 bedroom house at the promenade. Living/dining room, kitchen, 2 bathrooms, 1 guest toilet. Terrace, garden with direct access to the promenade, balcony, car port. $494,000. Tel. 645 952 952 · Maspalomas Maspalomas: Various bungalows in a quiet complex available. 1 bedroom, living room / kitchen, bathroom, terrace, community swimming pool. $89,000. Tel. 645 952 952 · Montaña la Data Data: House with 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, separate kitchen, living room, utility room, laundry room, terrace & garden, roof terrace, garage for 2 cars. Uninterrupted sea views. $270,000. Tel. 645 952 952

PROPERTY WANTED TO BUY · Desperate to sell your property? We have investors ready to buy at bargain prices! Call 645 952 952 · All over the South South: Properties wanted to buy for waiting clients. Tel 645 952 952



All the advertised properties will be issued with the required energy certificate!


In this issue there are flyers of PHOENIX TRANS inserted. If you find any other flyers in this magazine it is without our permission. Please inform us on 640 208 566

PUERTO RICO VETERINARY CENTRE At the back of the Shopping Centre

928 561 771

Internal Medicine Hospitalization Clinical analysis Exotic animals clinic Surgery Pets hairdresser Traumatology Food and accessories Oncology Odontology/Ultrasonic dental cleaning

SERVICES · Fully Qualified English RGN (Nurse), over 30 years experience. For all your home care needs. Call Vanessa 630 207 908 ware Agent · Tupper upperware Agent. For an opportunity to view the modern Tupperware Catalogue, or an appointment for a kitchenware demonstration call 680 202 595

JOBS - OFFERS · Looking for a Stylist must be qualified, and Nail technicians technicians. · Allrounder is looking for work. PR, painting, cleaning etc. For more information call 610 944 953 or 636 550 902 Tel. 678 983 493




· Longtime resident chef / barman / waiter, seeking full or part time or holiday cover work. Please contact Mark on 630 183 039 · Resident barman / waiter / handyman looking for full / partime or relieve. Please contact Mark on 620 351 255

Kulturbüro (Culture Office) Hotel Rey Carlos, Avda. de Tirajana 14, Playa del Ingles. Open Mon – Fri 10:00 – 13:00. Tel 928 778 245

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

San Fernando – $231,000

Puerto Rico – $126,000

Playa del Inglés – $126,000

Townhouse with 3 bedrooms, marble floors and bathroom, living/dining room, separate kitchen, garage and terrace

1st floor 1 bedroom apartment with spacious balcony and sea views in small complex with pool.

1-bedroom bungalow with terrace, garden and community pool, close to Yumbo. Private parking.

Pasito Blanco – $572,250

Montaña la Data - $725,000

San Fernando – $241,500

Magnificent 3-bedroom bungalow with communal pool, only 2 minutes walk from the beach and the marina.

Beautiful detached villa with designer furniture, private pool and uninterrupted views to the coastline.

Ground floor apartment, 4 bedrooms (1 single 3 double), separate kitchen, 2 bathrooms, living/dining room, terrace

Sonnenland – $1,280,000

Meloneras – $252,000

Sport Hotel – $3,750,000

Luxury large house with 5 bedrooms, large salon, 4 bathrooms, garage, swimming pool etc.

Precious duplex in Las Velas with 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, kitchen, terrace, community pool, tennis.

47 units. Saunas, tennis courts, gym, spa, putting green. Set in fantastic gardens. Needs some renovation.

Playa del Inglés – $367,500

Monte Leon – $2,699,000

Monte Leon – $2,149,000

Great renovated 3 bedroom apartment with 2 bathrooms, large balcony and car port near Yumbo.

Large villa with 850m2 living space on a 15,548m2 plot. A really great property but needs renovating.

Huge villa with tennis court, 1165m2 built on a 12,817m2 plot. Some restoring is required.

All the advertised properties will be issued with the required energy certificate! · Tel. 645 952 952


Please welcome our new Staff at

Unisex, Hair, Beauty and Holistic Treatments

Hair Treatments Cuts Wash and Blow Dry Gents Hair Childrens Hair Conditioning Treatment Colouring Highlights Perms Manicures, Pedicures Nails, Acrylic or Gel, Nail Art, Shellac

Eye Treatments Waxing Ear Pearcing Facials (Electrics) Non Surgical Face Lift Anti Cellulite Treatment Hopi Ear Candeling, Reiki Massages Aromatherapy Hot Stone Indian Head Deep Tissue

We probably have the highest qualifications on the island Higher Education Diploma NVQ4 • City & Guilds - Dip (Matis) I.I.H.H.T. / M.F.H.T. / I.H.B.C. / B.T.C.T. / V.T.V.T. / I.C.H.T. / I.I.S.T. / B.C.C.

Beauty Courses Available · City & Guilds Curriculum Unit 34 Ancora Centre Arguineguin · Tel. 637 181 113 and 645 261 463 ·

FUNNY A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner. "Now what?"


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm ok, but I didn't like the four letterwords the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'

Candles & More If you like Candles, you will love

Candles & More

Handmade luxury candles, over 50 different unique designs, colours, shapes and sizes made with quality materials giving long lasting burn times. Opening hours: Mon - Fri 10:30 to 17:00 Sat 10:30 - 14:00

From only $2.50 to $17

Ancora Centre no.79, Arguineguin – 2nd level – turn left at Lady M & Mr M. Email: Telephone: 638 946 178 Candles & More - Ancora



Designer Cakes, Sweets & Savouries Orders by

, WhatsApp or in the shop

Tulip Roundabout, San Fernando Nicola Gordon – Tel: 622 014 272 Website under construction

YOUR HOROSCOPE Aquarius • 21. Jan - 19. Feb A burst of creative energy comes along and sweeps everything else away – so make the most of it! You need to make sure that you're dealing with the right people in the right way, but almost anything goes!

Pisces • 20. Feb - 20. Mar Creative energy is flowing through this period, and you should take advantage of it. You may not be able to explain your impulses to others, so keep them to yourself until next month or later.

Leo • 23. Jul - 23. Aug It's a really good time for using your brain right now, in any way that seems right to you. Get a friend to offer up problems that need solving, or delve into a philosophical issue that looks juicy.

Virgo • 24. Aug - 23. Sep Your quick mind is making short work of the issues and projects you're facing right now. You may find yourself with some spare time, so get ready to fill it with a new challenge or something fun.

Aries • 21. Mar - 20. Apr

Libra • 24. Sep - 23. Okt

You need to clarify a few things in your own mind before you can feel comfortable speaking out. It's a good time to think through the issues and see what's most important to you.

It's time for you to try something really new – maybe something you've been putting off for years. It's sure to go better than expected, and you may find yourself moving toward a whole new life.

Taurus • 21. Apr - 21. May Try to avoid committing yourself to anything long-term. Your energy is best spent on regular short term projects, and you should try to defer any new agreements until at least the middle of the month.

Gemini • 22. May - 21. Jun

Scorpio • 24. Oct - 22. Nov You spot one hidden flaw in an actual plan that no one else had even thought to look for. It may take time to convince them that this small detail is worth paying attention to, but you can do it.

Sagittarius • 23. Nov - 21. Dec

You're extra-busy right now, but that isn't really a bad thing. You may have to choose a few activities to de-prioritize, but stick with the stuff that's fun and interesting and you can't go wrong.

Your philosophical leanings are enhanced now – but don't expect any major breakthroughs! Sometimes the intellectual journey is more important than the destination. Enjoy it for what it is.

You need to find a way to pare back your projects right now – they are just too stuffed full of details and sub-projects. Break them up as much as you can and all should be well in the future.

You can feel the clouds lifting from your judgment right now, and it feels great! Of course that also means you may have much more work than you know what to do with, 12 but that's okay.

Cancer • 22. Jun - 22. Jul

Capricorn • 22. Dec - 20. Jan



Hummus is one of the more popular Middle Eastern dips. Served with fresh or toasted pita, hummus makes for a great snack or appetizer. Tahini is an important part of the hummus recipe and cannot be substituted. However, it can be omitted. INGREDIENTS: 1 16 oz can of chickpeas or garbanzo beans = 2 large jars from Mercadona 1/4 cup liquid from can of chickpeas 3-5 tablespoons lemon juice (depending on taste) 1 1/2 tablespoons tahini 2 cloves garlic, crushed 1/2 teaspoon salt 2 tablespoons olive oil PREP ARA TION: PREPARA ARATION: Drain chickpeas and set aside liquid from can. Combine remaining ingredients in blender or food processor. Add 1/4 cup of liquid from chickpeas. Blend for 3-5 minutes on low until thoroughly mixed and smooth.

FUNNY A psychiatrist visited a mental institution and asked a patient "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply. "Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, 13 since my new son is brother to my

stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my stepgrandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?" After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

â˜ş A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. So, she asked this teenage boy who was stocking up shelves, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Want to sell or rent your property? We offer affordable introductory prices for the issuing of the Energy Efficiency Certification.


Christian K. Breitfellner Atelier Breitfellner S.L. Mobile: 636 851 500 (English, Spanish & German speaking)

The cleaning habits you've been using for years may not be as efficient as you'd think. Correct these common mistakes and get a better clean with our tips, plus advice from Carolyn Forté, Director of the GHRI Home Appliances and Cleaning Products Department.

too quickly and leave behind streaks. On a cloudy day, start by sweeping the window, frame, and screen with a brush; or, vacuum with the dusting attachment to eliminate dirt and avoid a mud pile-up. While some may suggest using newspaper as a cleaning tool, the GHRI doesn't recommend that since it can be messy. Stick to microfiber cloths for the cleanest clean!

Dishes, glasses, and utensils


Don't fall into the habit of jamming items in the dishwasher like in a game of Tetris. Utensils nested together won't get an even washing, so alternate placing spoons handles up and down, but keep forks tines up for best cleaning. In addition, make sure not to mix silver and stainless steel flatware, as the silver could get pitted if they touch. Never stack items, either, because the water spray won't be able to reach the dishes on top. Place extradirty items on the bottom rack facing the center so they're near the spray arm. And if you're using a detergent pod, place it in the dispenser – if tossed in, it'll dissolve too quickly.

A common mistake is generously pouring laundry detergent or fabric softener into the machine – excess liquids won't helping your clothes, appliance, or skin. Always measure carefully and follow the recommendations for the size and/or soil level on the load you are doing (most loads are medium to large), says Forté. If the load is extra-large or dirty, add a little more detergent and/ or softener.



9mill a meter pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

☺ "Dad, are those chrysanthemums?" "Yes, little Johnny." "And how do you spell that dad?" "Oh, wait a minute his dad replies. They're roses."


Cell phones, iPods, and other INGREDIENTS: handheld tech devices are bound to get sticky, but it's never a good idea to 1 tablespoon butter spray them with a cleaner. A microfiber 1 tablespoon finely diced onion Shower curtain liner cloth is best for cleaning LCD screens. 1/2 cup diced smoked salmon There's no need to throw away your Forté suggests using a dry Swiffer 2 fluid ounces vodka shower curtain liner once it's dirty, says cloth to dust them and remove 1/4 cup heavy whipping cream Forté. Simply toss it in your washing smudges. 1/4 cup chopped tomatoes machine, set to hot water on a gentle 1/2 cup tomato sauce FUNNY cycle, along with some old towels and salt to taste A Mafia Godfather finds out that his a dose of bleach to remove any mildew. Hang it up to dry, or put it in bookkeeper has embezzled ten million ground black pepper to taste 1 pinch ground nutmeg the dryer for a minute or two to speed bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be, deaf, 1/8 tablespoon cayenne pepper up the process. so the Godfather brings along his ARA TION: PREPARA ARATION: Carpet and upholstery stains attorney, who knows sign language. PREP Your instinct may be to spray cleaner The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: In a large saucepan saute butter and right on the stain, but that can over- "Where is the 10 million bucks you onion with smoked salmon. Once the pan begins to lightly smoke, pull wet and damage the carpet or fabric embezzled from me?" and make it hard to rinse out. Instead, The attorney, using sign language, saucepan away from heat source and spray a cloth with the cleaner and asks the bookkeeper where the 10 add the Vodka. gently dab the area until the stain is million dollars is hidden. When the Vodka has burned off, return gone. Rinse the same way with a clean The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't the sauce to heat source and mix in cloth dipped in cool water. the tomatoes, tomato sauce and know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He heavy cream. Windows says he doesn't know what you're Season sauce with salt, pepper, Don't make the mistake of cleaning talking about." nutmeg, and chile pepper. Reduce windows on a sunny day – they'll dry That's when the Godfather pulls out a sauce to desired consistency; serve. 14

SURPRISING NA TURAL NATURAL WAYS TO CURE A STINKY HOUSE Green Tea for Cat Litter Boxes Dry green tea leaves work like magic in reducing those unwelcome scents from the cat “john." Break open a few bags and sprinkle the loose leaves into the box. Fluffy will also appreciate a more sanitary scented restroom. Dryer Sheets for Trash Bins Take a sheet from the laundry room’s playbook to stomp out persistent trash bin odors, a dryer sheet that is. They soak up yucky trash smells just like they do static. Toss one or two into the bin and let the fresh scents take over. Apple Cider Vinegar for Drains Your upper GI isn't the only plumbing that apple cider vinegar works wonders on. It also blasts away yucky odors that seep up from sewers and septic systems. Pour a half cup down any drain and send unpleasant smells back where they belong.

Coffee Grounds for the Fridge If your meat locker stinks like a gym locker, fill a nylon stocking with coffee grounds and toss it inside the back of the fridge. The invigorating scent of java overpowers odors from fish, cheese, and other harsh-scented foods. Baking Soda for Sneakers Don’t ditch your barely worn sneakers just because your nose is ready to run for the hills. Sprinkle baking soda inside each one and let them sit overnight. In the morning, tap the powder off outside and the stenches will be shooed away.

Vanilla Extract for Freezers

Salt and Cinnamon for Stove Spills Here's one cool odor fix to freshen Next time soup or stew boils over, up your ice box. Soak a cotton ball in patter a few pinches of salt and vanilla extract, then swipe it around cinnamon onto the spill while it's still the inside of your freezer. Voila! The warm. After it's dry, scrape off the scent of fresh ice cream instantly residue. Future meals won't transmit that smoky smell and have your replaces the reek of leftover meat. neighbors calling the fire department Lemon Juice for Sinks on you. To snuff out the odor of a smelly sink, douse it with two cups of lemon juice. A zesty clean sink drain will make washing pots and pans slightly less of a drain. Onions for Basements


After a hard rain, deploy an onion to absorb mold and mildew odors. Just slice one down the middle and let it sit in the cellar overnight. By morning, your eyes may tear — though not from the onion, but from the joy of an odor free basement!

House Plants for Rooms Once you've cleared out the stench, liven up your home's ambient aroma with houseplants. Scented geraniums and Arabian Jasmines are two varieties that come highly recommended for their odoriferous scents.

FUNNY A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,

"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field in the distance. Amazed, he asks, "What the hell are those?!" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"

☺ A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less. please?" "I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across less before. Is it a spirit?" "I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

T he only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.





To place a classified advert please drop it off at one of the following points with your payment: Playa del Ingles / San Fernando: The Print Shop, Eurocentre or Bellisima, Tulip Roundabout, San Fernando • Arguineguin: Allianz office, Ancora Centre Puerto Rico: Rejuvena, Costa Rica 2 (opposite Shopping Centre) Or contact TIPS & INFO by email or place your advert directly on our website

PRICES 25 Cent / word incl. 7% IGIC for all categories apart from: JOBS - OFFERS FREE up to 25 words if the company is not mentioned, then 25 Cent / word incl. 7% IGIC JOBS - WANTED FREE up to 25 words, then 25 Cent / word incl 7% IGIC PLEASE NOTE: The telephone number counts as a word as well!

BUS CONNECTIONS 01 – Las Palmas — Puerto Mogán 04 – El Tablero — Las Palmas 05 – Las Palmas — Faro Maspalomas (with stop at Las Terazzas) 06 – Arguineguin — Carcado Espino — Playa del Inglés 18 – Faro Maspalomas — San Bartolomé — Tejeda 25 – Playa Arinaga — Faro Maspalomas 29 – Faro Maspalomas — Playa del Inglés — Sioux City 30 – Santa Catalina LP — Faro Maspalomas 32 – Playa del Inglés — Puerto Mogán 33 – Playa del Inglés — Puerto Rico — Puerto Mogán 36 – Telde — Faro Maspalomas 39 – Playa del Inglés — Puerto Rico — Playa Amadores 40 – San Fernando — El Tablero — Parque Tropical 41 – Carrizal — Faro Maspalomas 45 – Bahía Feliz — Palmitos Park 50 – Las Palmas — Faro Maspalomas 66 – Aeropuerto — Faro Maspalomas 70 – Palmitos Park — Puerto Rico 72 – Bahía Feliz — San Fernando Market 73 – San Fernando — Faro Maspalomas 84 – Puerto Mogán — Mogán 86 – Puerto Mogán — Playa de Tasarte 90 – Telde — Faro Maspalomas (with stop ar airport and Atlantico) 91 – Las Palmas — Puerto Rico — Playa del Cura (with stop at airport)

In this issue there are flyers of PHOENIX TRANS inserted. If you find any other flyers in this magazine it is without our permission. Please inform us on 640 208 566




Emergencies – 112 (Ambulance & Fire Brigade)

Icelandic, Scandinavian languages, English, Spanish and German speaking!

Police – 091 Guardia Civil – 062

Playa del Ingles · C.C. Prisma · Local 4 (near Yumbo Centre)

Health Centres Maspalomas – 928 721 169 Arguineguín – 928 152 717 Playa Mogán – 928 565 976 Tourist Offices Playa del Inglés (Yumbo) 928 771 550 Playa del Inglés (Anexo II) 928 768 409 Maspalomas – 928 769 585 Puerto Rico – 928 158 804 Taxi – 928 154 777 You can order a taxi under this phone number from Vecindario to Mogan! Consulates Austrian – 928 762 500 British – 928 262 508 Belgian – 928 230 701 German – 928 262 731 Danish – 922 275 757 Dutch – 928 233 049 Finnish – 928 227 903 French – 928 233 994 Irish – 928 297 728 Italian – 928 244 786 Norwegian – 928 495 036 Swedish – 928 275 056 Swiss – 928 290 070



International Operator – 025 Local Operator – 1003 Gran Canaria Airport 928 579 130

Open 10:00 – 14:00 and 17:00 – 19:00

Tel. 928 77 19 86

ALL TYPES OF CLEANING AND GENERAL MAINTENANCE All-round and specialist cleaning. Property maintenance, tiling, decorating, electrical & plumbing work. Secure key-holding service. Your home in safe & trustworthy hands. Established in GC since 2006. Call Jim or Dean on Mobile 664 709 331 (24 hrs) or 928 774 611 Email:

FUNNY The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five euros," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking

SEWING CC Ancora 158A · Arguineguin Tel: 676 240 398

PAPELERIA Tel. 634 680 968 Fax 928 766 941


Photocopy black & colour Scanner • Fax Service Internet • Print service Passport photos, etc Open Mon - Fri 9am-2pm / 5pm-8pm Sat & Holidays 9am-1pm & 6pm-8pm Sundays closed

S. C. Yumbo Loc. 411-04 next door to lottery

about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you, make it a scotch."

☺ Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

GRAN CANARIA MARKETS · Agüimes – Thu 08:00 – 14:00 next to the municipal swimming pool. · Arguineguin – Tue 08:00 – 14:00 at the market square. · Arguineguin – Thu 08:00 – 14:00 at the Ancora Centre · Arguineguin – Sat 08:00 – 14:00 Car Boot Sale at the market square. · Arucas – Sat 08:00 – 14:00. · Gáldar Market – Thu 08:00 – 14:00 at the market square. · Ingenio – 09:00 – 15:00 on the first Sunday of every month. · Jinámar – Sun 09:00 – 15:00. · Las Palmas – Sun 08:00 – 14:00 on the top floor of the bus terminal by the San Telmo Park. · Maspalomas Car Boot Sale – Sun 08:00 – 14:00. At the car park at the Town Hall (Ayuntamiento) in San Fernando. · San Fernando Farmers Market – every other Sunday 09:00 – 14:00 at the Pista de Patinaje. · Moya – Sun 08:00 – 14:00 at the bus station. · Puerto de Mogán – Fri 08:00 – 14:00 at the harbour. · Puerto de Mogán – Mon 09:00 – 14:30 at the Plaza del Parking. · Playa del Inglés – Mon – Sat 19:30 – 23:30 at Parque Europeo near the Mini Train. · San Bartolome de Tirajana – Sun 09:00 – 14:00 at "Mercatunte". · San Fernando – Wed and Sat 08:00 – 14:00 at the market hall. · San Mateo – Sat 07:00 – 19.00 with Canarian singing and dancing at the market place. · San Mateo – Sun 07:00 – 14:00 with Canarian singing and dancing at the market place. · Santa Brígida – Sat and Sun 08:00 – 20:00 – just follow the noise! · Santa Lucía – Sun 09:00 – 14:00 next to the town hall. · Santa María de Guía – Tue and Sun 08:30 – 13:00 close to the town hall.

· Telde – Sun 08:00 – 14:00 next to the bus station. · Teror – Sun 08:00 – 14:00 at the square next to the church. · Valsequillo – Sun 08:00 – 14:00 at the market place. · Valleseco – Sun 08:00 – 14:00 in the market hall. · Vecindario – Mon and Wed 08:00 – 14:00 in the market hall, Calle Juan XXIII. · Vecindario Farmers Market – every other Sat 08:00 – 14:00 in La Karpa, Avda. de Las Tirajanas s/n.

CHARITY · THE NEIGHBOURHOOD FOOD PROJECT in Arguineguin need dry food, long-life milk, used clothing (or new), furniture and volunteers. So when you buy something for you buy some extra for a friend in need! Tel. 629 226 680 · CHARITY FLEA MARKET every Saturday morning in Agrguineguin. Many different groups represented. Great atmosphere and lots of bargains!

EVENT Playa del Inglés Yumbo Centre Music Fest 24 - 27 October 2013

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We accept no liability for any information that we receive in the copy of ads placed by our advertisers. IMPRINT AUDIO ENTERTAINMENT & PUBLICITY SERVICES S.L. 35100 Playa del Ingles Tel: 640 208 566 Web site: Publisher: Audio Entertainment &PublicityServicesS.L.

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Tips & Info Magazine Gran Canaria October 2013 issue  
Tips & Info Magazine Gran Canaria October 2013 issue  

Advertising Magazine for the South of Gran Canaria