The Gadfly “To persuade and reproach” - Socrates, The Apology
Vol. IX, Iss. II September 23, 2008
Fuzzies v.s. Techies Occasionally, in my rare breaks between studying for lab practicals and Microbiology exams, I like to imagine what would happen if Cosmas & Damian and Egan went to war. Against each other. Seriously, think about it! Mobs of frenzied theology majors charging down the stairs, swinging their Catechisms and chanting. Chemistry major cackling maniacally as they mix up huge vats of toxic chemicals. (Cosda would totally win, of course. You liberal arts types might have strength in numbers, but we left-brainers have carcinogenic ink dyes. Not to mention physics lab equipment that could be easily converted into trebuchets.) All daydreaming aside, I actually do recognize that the sciences and liberal arts have a healthy respect for each other’s disciplines at Franciscan.
(Except for this one time where my roommate had an entire Environmental Ethics course laughing at my reaction to her paper on the being of trees, but that’s another story.) What I’m wondering about is the imbalance that currently exists. There are certainly many more philosophy and theology majors than there are biology and chemistry. This is understandable – this school is nationally known for its catechetics and theology programs unlike its complete anonymity in the biology world. There are, however, some substantial deficits in the sciences. There is no physics major, for example, and our engineering major was recently phased out. Is this as it should be, or could things be different? There would be a certain danger, I think, in the school’s
science programs being “too” good. After all, as the sciences improved, Franciscan would inevitable attract some less interested in religion and more interested in excellent MCAT scores. This danger of excellent academics is not as much of an issue in the fields of theology and catechatics, for obvious reasons. It makes sense that the school would focus their student and professor population in the areas in which they are renowned and which promote Catholic culture on campus. There would be a price to this kind of thinking, however, and I believe it would be too much to pay. There is a genuine need in today’s world to evangelize in subtler ways, through the secular work-force, just as there is a need to have well-formed Catholics in the parish Continued on page 6
Does the Church have a say? You can’t force your beliefs on other people. This is a secular country that upholds and protects the rights of all to practice whatever faith they choose to follow. You have your truth and I have mine. Ever hear of the separation of Church and State? Would you want American Muslims to vote their faith and work to enact Sharia law in this country? A recent poll found that 52% of Americans believe that religion has no business meddling in political affairs. The findings mark the first time that a majority of Americans have held such an opinion in the 12-year history of the poll. Political analysts are trying to determine what that means for the upcoming November elections and how it might affect voter turnout and
support for issues such as abortion and gay marriage. Yet I think the broader issue here is whether or not we, as Catholic Americans, agree with the prevailing argument that religion and public life are two separate spheres that should respect and not interfere with each other. We are not talking about establishing Catholicism as the official religion of the United States of America. This is not a discussion of whether or not to work canon law into the Constitution. That is not what the Church is calling for and it is never going to happen anyway, thank God. I am talking about whether or not our religious beliefs, morals and values, should inform and indeed shape our public life and who we choose in the voting booth. Throughout the ages, and especially in the papal encyclicals of the last 100 years
or so, the Church has made her opinion on whether or not she has a say increasingly clear. Some people say that the Church should only be concerned with the supernatural, and of the supernatural the Church is most certainly concerned. Yet the Pontifical Council for Justice and Peace in its Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church responds that the “supernatural is not to be understood as an entity or a place that begins where the natural ends, but as the raising of the natural to a higher plane.” In other words, the Church cannot be silent and turn a blind eye to the realities of this world in its mission to shepherd mankind to Heaven. Rather, the mission requires Continued on page 6
St. Catherine, pray for us!
Staff: Michelle Blohm (MB) Brian D’Amico (BD) Emily Davis (ED) Katherine Eddy (KSE) Layout Editor: Manuel Garcia (MG) Amanda Lamuro (AL) Editor in Chief: Gillian Lamuro (GL) Callie Langworthy (CL) John Mario Levri (JML) Business Manager: Joe Maciag (JM) Andy Moe (AM) The Goodkind Gnostic: Michael C. Pezzulo (MCP) Michael J. Ruszala (MJR) Mark Schreck (MJPS) Retired Editor in Chief: Cate Shultis (CS) ** Please note that the views held in the articles do not necessarily express the views of the whole staff.
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Passing On the Torch Hi, my name is Cate, and I’ve been an exGadfly editor for 14 days. Hi Cate. It’s true, friends. It has been an honor to serve this publication and this school, and now I have the distinct pleasure of kicking the habit and passing the red pen onto Gillian LaMuro, a sophomore who has been with the Gadfly for a year. Please forward all of your snarling invective and encouraging compliments to her at email@example.com.
On a related note, Gillian is the only underclassman left on staff – the rest of us are seniors or grad students, entering into the twilight of our (FUS) lives. We need you to replenish the ranks of chomping gadflies and join one of the top three publications on campus. Signing off, Pax et bonum,
QUO VADIS?: ON FINDING TIME Today I will lead you, O Fearless Reader, on a virtual safari in search of that most elusive beast: Time! The Romans were not joking when they stated “tempus fugit.” Indeed, Time will fly, flee, run, or crawl to evade the hunter’s snare. Therefore you, O Bold Hunter, must outwit the foul beast. The question always arises, of course: Where does this Time go? Recently, I’ve been tracking Our Adversary Time, and I’ve come to some startling conclusions. First, Time is not actually an endangered animal. It is merely misunderstood, and, as a result, somewhat neglected. This seems shocking – after all, aren’t we always pining after Time? Thinking about Time? Longing for more Time? Yes, I suppose we are, but in the very act of seeking Time, we often allow it to slip away. Permit me to offer an example. Let’s say you are sitting in the JC, with a big stack of homework sitting in front of you, and just enough Time in which to do it. A friend comes up, and you tell him about how much work you have to do, and how little Time you have, staring all the while dejectedly at your books. Your friend, in turn, informs you about his own fruitless search for Time, his backed-up homework, and… waits a minute – it’s gone! Where did that Time go, the Time that was sitting there, patiently waiting for you in which to do your homework? It’s gone, forever lost, all because you stopped paying attention! You weren’t
mindful of your Time, and so it left you, seeking some more attentive master. Perhaps, then, Time-awareness is the key to a healthy relationship with Time. You can’t, as a college student, simply take Time for granted. However, there really is more of it lying around than one would think. Are you often rushed in the mornings, trying to get your things together before class? Rather than rue the dawn, ask yourself this question: What was your evening before like? Do you seem to have little time to spend with friends or in other leisure-time activities? Maybe you should think about how you do your homework, and if there might be a more efficient way you could complete your work. Lurking in every person’s day are wasted seconds, minutes, and even hours that could be found out and put to use, if only we were aware of their existence. As surprisingly easy as it is to find time, it’s even easier to waste. With that being said, I challenge you to look for the missing time in your own life, and to put it to good use. Don’t neglect the important people and things in your life because you are too lazy/ distracted/inept to put your time to good use. In fact, I’ll go ahead and end this column with (yet another) Latin maxim, and encourage you – carpe diem! Seize the day! ~ED
St. Anne, pray for us!
What Is So Wrong with Being a Phony? It is no secret that my family is critical of individuals. It does not matter if the person in question is the waitress at a restaurant, the clerk at a hotel lobby, or any person performing a service, my family, including myself, will analyze the behavior of that individual. For a long time growing up, I often wondered if my parents, in particular, were too hard or unfair in their criticisms of the people we observed. When I went to Europe, I was determined to attempt a fresh outlook on the people who provide service. I concluded that the line between professional and friendly is often blurred when it comes to interactions with service providers. This raised the bigger question of why professional service seems to be failing out of favor for friendly service. To better illustrate the difference between professional and friendly service, please consider this example from my experience in Europe. Upon arriving late at night in a new city, my group decided to take a cab to our lodging. We waved down the cab, I showed the driver the address of where we wanted to go, he agreed that he knew where this location was, and that he could take us there. The driver, despite the language barrier, was very friendly. He asked us about ourselves, we tried to answer him; he changed the music if we asked him to, and he really tried to be friendly. It turned out, however, that he clearly did not know where our bed and breakfast was. When he could not find the place, he began swearing in colorful Italian and tried to convince me that I did not tell him the correct location and the like. Now, take for example the cab driver who drove us to our bed and breakfast the next evening. This cab driver made sure he knew exactly where we wanted to go, agreed on a price, and took us to our location. He did not ask us about our stay or what we were doing or anything personal. He simply took us to our location quickly and promptly. He was professional, but
not friendly whereas our first cab driver was friendly but not professional. It seems clear, at least from this example, which scenario most people would prefer. It appears to be the trend, however for more service providers to use a friendly rather than a professional approach. I attribute this confusion to a phenomenon I call “The Catcher in the Rye Effect”. Some misguided person decided that J.D. Salinger’s mildly entertaining and thought provoking novel is necessary reading for high school students with or without realizing that the overall message of the book is a pitch for anti-formal interaction in favor of any formal or professional interaction. Salinger does well to bring out the sometimes troubling occurrence of parents interacting formally and personally with their children, but seems to think all formal and professional décor is “phony”. Personal interaction is not inherently evil and has its place in the professional world; however, professionals should be professionals first. When I want a service, I want someone to provide that service well and dutifully. I am, after all, not paying for a friend. For this reason, I advocate in favor of more professional behavior among the young, despite the friendly idealogy many of us were taught in high school. Especially as university students, a personal-first approach with our professors is not entirely appropriate. However, if we students are first professional with our professors some personal interaction can be introduced without being inappropriate. So at the risk of seeming “phony” I implore all students and young people to at least consider the benefits of a professional demeanor. I look forward to the world being a more efficient and less personal place in the near future.
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Professor Quote of the Week:
“What's the difference, commas or no commas? It's the difference between monogamy and polygamy. That's the difference.” - Dr. Hildebrand, on an obscure point of grammar
St. Gregory the Great, pray for us!
Christian Culture and the Inner Response to God's Values Have you ever seen a saint? What would it be like to meet in daily life a true holy saint – perhaps St. Thérèse of Lisieux or the Servant of God, Pope John Paul II? There is a certain freshness about the saints. What amazes us about them is not simply their lack of sin, but their openness and excitement with regard to the world of authentic values. They view the world as if from God's perspective. What are authentic values? According to Catholic thinker Dietrich von Hildebrand, authentic values are those things which appeal to and deserve a right response of mind, will, or heart. St. Thomas had a similar concept – that the “fitting good” appeals to our intellect in its spiritual beauty and loving and that being united to it brings us joy. He spoke of the reflection of God in
our world in the good, the true, and the beautiful. Imagine the inner response of the heart, mind, and will of St. Francis as he entered the Portiuncula chapel. Imagine the spontaneous expression of love, awe, and joy on his face as he fell down in adoration. This is what Jesus called for in the Gospel – inward response to authentic values as when He commanded us, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). Culture is meant to provide a framework for us to respond to authentic values. During Christendom, culture was centered on Christian values, but the people did not always live those values from the inside. Thus the Church
was split during the Reformation and was targeted as an enemy of human progress during the Enlightenment. Today, we do not have a culture which fully opens us to the world of authentic values in a way which is suitable for our times. We are in days like those of Ezra the scribe who gathered the remnant of the people and opened for them the books of God's law. We are suspended between two cultures – an outmoded one of a past world which was built on Christian values and a stylish contemporary pop culture based on a foundation of self-directed autonomy which undermines Christianity in both blatant and subtle ways. Franciscan University helps to cultivate value responses in our lives. Many students here embody a life Continued on page 7
Outside the Bubble Tehran, Iran: A new bill before the Iranian Parliament would expand a man’s right to marry up to four wives under Islamic law. Iran is one of a few countries in the Middle East that has required a man to obtain consent from his first wife before he could marry three more times. Most Muslim countries have few restrictions on the practice of polygamy. The new bill, which would allow men to take additional wives regardless of what their first wives think about it, has sparked much public opposition. Women’s rights activists successfully postponed the vote on the bill and it now sits back in committee. Toronto, Canada: After recent losses to the US dollar, the Canadian dollar has been making a comeback. Trading at the end of the first week in September
positioned the Canadian dollar just below the US dollar with each greenback valued at 1.05 Canadian dollars. The vulnerable US economy and unstable oil markets are blamed for much of the US dollar’s woes, although it has made considerable gains from earlier in the year. Khartoum, Sudan: The Sudanese military and air force launched fresh attacks against rebel bases in northern Sudan in September in a last ditch effort to gain more territory before international negotiations hope to settle a peace deal. An unknown number of people died in the attacks according to the rebel camps. The fighting started five years ago when minority groups started a rebellion against the Arab government they felt cared little for their prosperity. The Sudanese government has dismissed the world’s accusations of genocide as an
“exaggeration of the conflict.” Mexico City, Mexico: Since hundreds of thousands took to the streets in protest of legal corruption last month, many hope change is on the horizon. Many American educated lawyers are educating Mexican officials and business professionals on the fundamentals of an open and fair judicial system. After unanimously passing a constitutional amendment to completely overhaul the country’s judiciary, Mexico will over the course of the next eight years establish a more American-style legal system grounded on the principles of innocent until proven guilty and access to public trials.
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St. John, pray for us!
The Gnostic Speaks: Skeletons in the common room? Is the emotional well-being of Franciscan students threatened? More of my usual knowing tirades for future columns, but for now I will address a concealed danger to students. This danger is found in the attitude taken toward the presence of emotional and other interpersonal vulnerability in Christian community. The topic is deeply significant here at Franciscan because of the type of -often intimate - familial community that households exist, in part, to foster. A typical reference of a type this gnostic has heard or heard of would be speech about the importance of being “vulnerable” with one’s household brothers or sisters. With equal typicality one hears speech of making a goal of “being vulnerable” with his or her householdmates or the necessity that one practice this not-clearly-defined “vulnerability” in order to be a proper member of household. To compound the cause for concern, this implied or explicit necessity is not clarified as to whether it is understood to be psychological, spiritual, legal, metaphysical or of some other status- what is provided is merely the firm avowal that its importance and necessity are beyond rational dispute and that it is very, very good for one, so you had best tow the line. (“Being vulnerable” to or before the Lord is a separate issue altogether that does not spur this Gnostic to concern. In the final analysis, one is always vulnerable to Him, even if one does not wish to be. Also, in the final analysis, He wounds only to heal and always acts in wisdom. This is not necessarily the case with one’s householdmates, who remain quite human, if not all-too-human and do not always understand or act with wisdom –who are not always aware when they wound nor have your health as a conscious and achievable goal – problems the Lord God is not burdened by.) This aside serves to highlight the critical issue- in any community, not matter how wonderful or blessed or God-centered (and this gnostic does not dispute that campus households are all of these things) – the members are hu-
man, with human limits and ignorance mixed together with their human and grace-given gifts and wisdom. This should make it relatively self-evident that “vulnerability” – literally the ability to be wounded by one another- is not necessarily a good thing in a community. This gnostic would not dream of suggesting that there are not circumstances in which one may become, perhaps without warning, emotionally or otherwise vulnerable to one’s householdmates. Indeed this gnostic (a fouryear member of his own household) has been on the receiving end and the giving end of fruitful help in situations of this type. As well he has been on the receiving end of misunderstanding, misguided advice, and (very rarely, Deo Gratias) vulgar intrusiveness. This demands consideration and, from that basis of rational reflection, a deeper formation of conscience. The Franciscan community seeks to allow for the very depths of both natural and supernatural community. Like it or not, this implies that each member will be in varying degrees and at various times quite vulnerable to at least some of the others. This may involve the sharing of deeply painful memories, the admission of past or present guilt for some minor or grave misdeed, or simply confrontation with some awkward personal embarrassment. This sharing of confidences, at least in circumstances where matters great personal depth are shared, deal with what can only be described as the secrets of the heart. For a sharing of such seriousness to be truly open to the influence of the Lord’s grace as well as humanly healthy, it must be free (which is not to say easy). It also will be sharing where vulnerability is a circumstance, not an aim. The only reason for making the ability to be hurt a goal is if you want to hurt someone or to be hurt. In a truly deep friendship, say a brotherhood or sisterhood, one that is truly open and familial, such sharing, even of deep things, may and probably should happen. But in the natural course of things this sharing is with a specific,
trusted friend or friends. This is not a criterion into which all the members of one’s household will fall, particularly if the household is large. The lesson this gnostic claims to show from the above is not extreme, but is very important. In a healthy friendship or household there will and should be sharing of deep confidences. Nonetheless, this sharing, must be truly sharing (i.e. organic to a deep relationship) and entirely voluntary. A deep sharing that is natural as part of a healthy relationship, is probably good and at least will not likely be an occasion of meaningless and avoidable harm. Nonetheless, if a leader or member of a group approaches deep topics lightly, or in a way that is not measured to avoid any trace of compulsion or moral coercion, then that individual has failed to recognize and respect the dignity of his or her householdmates and/or friends. If sharing is pressured (for whatever reason, especially if the pressured person is being prayed with) then it will undoubtedly cause avoidable harm and will weaken whatever good is accomplished. If sharing were to be forced - even for the allegedly best of intentions – in that circumstance we are dealing not with a good, but an abuse of a relationship – an abuse that is nighdiabolical. None of which detracts from the healthiness of free sharing – voluntary sharing made only when and as appropriate - within the context of a relationship where it and the sharer will be respected. Thus let us continue to be (as needed) vulnerable one to another, but only in its natural context – a relationship of legitimate familial intimacywhere the atmosphere is one of trust and freedom where all can respect each other and harm will not be inflicted.
~The Goodkind Gnostic
St. Paul, pray for us!
“Fuzzies v.s. Techies” continued from page 1
setting. I believe that’s what it truly comes down to. Fides et ratio, right? Theology majors can supply the faith, and bio majors the reason! I’m kidding, mostly. Those who are immersed in faith-based majors will aid in keeping
“Does the Church…” continued from page 1
her to confront the world in which she operates and work to make it as close to Heaven as possible. The Church’s role is not just to bring people to Heaven, but to bring Heaven to earth. Her primary argument runs thus. As Christ’s hands and feet in the world, being grounded in reason and illumined by divine revelation, and throughout her 2000 year existence gaining an ever deeper appreciation for the human experience, no one else is more qualified to have a say in how society should be structured than the Church. Her primary interest is her ministry of salvation, and in order to fulfill her purpose she necessarily must actively know and engage and guide society to its proper end. The Church must meet society where it is at and lift it
Christ in the forefront of the science majors’ minds. And the science majors might ground the philosophers a bit. As long as the university continues to hire professors passionate about educating Catholic doctors, mathematicians, and engineers, we’ll be in good shape.
So bring back the engineers, I say! Let’s get the next generation of nuclear physicists in here, too! The environment here at the school is too positive, formation-wise, to be limited to those who will ultimately work within a church setting. ~CL
up to where it has been called to be. What does the Church have to offer in the discussion of how man should organize his public life? The Church, informed by divine revelation and through her ministry, understands human nature. She understands man’s ills, man’s needs, and man’s purpose. She knows where man has been, where man is, and where man must go. She is not bound to any special interest group or corrupted by blind party loyalty. She offers Truth as manifested in Peace, Justice, and Charity. And who is the Church, but each and every one of us as members of the Body of Christ? When we say that the Church should stay out of politics, are we not saying that we should remove ourselves from the public sector and leave society to settle its own affairs? Are
Catholics not part of this society we are referring to? And does that not go against our very mission, indeed our obligation, to work to make this world a better place so that souls may find rest in the world to come? If the Church is to have a voice then we must be that voice. If we confine our religious values to the private quarters of our own homes then we deprive society of the truths and joys and blessings and healing and hope that we ourselves know and cherish. If as Catholics we shirk our responsibility to restore human dignity and justice so that man might know and find God, then as Americans we will fail our country in making it a place where Heaven meets earth. ~BD
O n ly YO U C a n P reve n t A p a t hy ! B e c o m e A Wr i te r a n d B i te t h e S le e p i n g Horse! E m a i l n o te s to t h e ga df ly @ g m a i l. c o m
St. Anthony, pray for us!
Business Manager Wanted! Email notestothegadfl email@example.com “Christian Culture ...” continued from page 4
of love for authentic value. But the Christianized pop culture works both for and against us – for us in that it attracts converts and brings them to Christ, but against us because pop culture itself is built on non-Christian premises. Popculture does not have a notion of ordering our sense desires to our spiritual desires as St. Thomas says is necessary for loving the “fitting good.” Pop culture tends to excite our sense desires with bright colors, rushes of adrenaline, emotional appeals, and the like. It is more urgent and important to live a life of value response than it is to dwell in a Christian culture. Salvation requires charity – love of God and neighbor. Yet it is a matter of great distress that we lack an adequate Christian culture! There is something vast which is missing. God calls us not only individually but also as the people of God. We come together as a people, but we don't know exactly what our place is, what we should do, or how we are responsible for one another in our culture. This being the case, it is notable to point out that Jesus lived in the midst of a stable Jewish culture centered on living God's law, yet He criticized the people for their lack of internal response to the authentic values embedded in the culture – something the culture was originally supposed to guide them towards. Hence I propose that in these times when we lack the security of an adequate Chris-
tian culture, we must build upwards from internal value response to a culture which respects values rather than to expect our culture to provide that experience for us. But living a life of authentic value response is not easy – it requires virtue. According to St. Thomas, virtue allows for us to do the right thing consistently, with ease and with joy. This virtuous sensitivity to the splendor of values is something I believe our campus should try harder to foster and much effort has indeed been made in this direction. Our souls must be trained in virtue to recognize beauty so that it doesn't get crowded out by pop culture's thumping drumbeat and brilliant colors which excite our sense desires day by day. Thus we lose sight of our subtle and delicate spiritual or rational appetite which cannot so easily be swayed by television commercials and or entertained by the latest video games as do our sense desires. This reminds me of what Dr. Roberts said in my first philosophy class a number of years ago. He said if you love things of value – beautiful art, classical music, Scripture, poetry, virtue, wisdom, and so forth – you will surround yourself with such things. If you don't surround yourself with such things, you have to ask yourself if you really love them for if you love someone, you will not be content only to see that person once in a great while, but will want that person to be a significant part of your life. From then on, I sought to surround myself
more often with classical music and Gregorian chant, to fill my room with artwork, and to read books by authors who were truly wise. Contrary to what pop culture says about “love,” St. Thomas teaches us that love is not always good – sometimes it is evil! The question is whether you love something which is worthy or something which is evil. If we love that which is worthy and we attain it or appreciate it, it will fill us with joy and a sober peace. St. Paul testifies to the same truth: “Finally, my brothers, your thoughts should be wholly directed to all that is true, all that deserves respect, all that is honest, pure, admirable, decent, virtuous, or worthy of praise... Then will the God of peace be with you” (Phil. 4:89). We should seek after wisdom – the virtue which helps us to see things from God's perspective – so that we may truly love and appreciate things of authentic value such as the dignity of the person, the dignity of masculinity and femininity, Scripture, virtue, beautiful music, art, poetry, and so forth. Then we should surround our lives with things of value, training our desires to seek what is worthy and adapting our lives and relationships accordingly with the prudence given us by God. Only then will we be able to build an adequate Christian culture which both expresses authentic values and works suitably for our times. ~MJR
j|Çx? j|à? tÇw jtzzxÜç A Clueless Girl’s Attempt at Theorizing as to the Thought Process of the Typical Franciscan Male Sept 22, 2008 8:45am – Got up. Rooted around the room searching for a pair of underwear. Surprise! Found a two-day old pair under the bed. I did the inside out happy dance. 8:55am – As I munched a Pop Tart (Icecream Sundae! My favorite! Thanks mom!) on the way to class, three girls tried to make contact with me. One even said hello. I am a BABE MAGNET!! 9:00am – Made it to class and sat in my usual back row seat. 9:10am – Woke up. Got a bad glare from the Prof. What is his problem? 9:30am – Girl in front of me “casually” dropped her pencil. Surprise! It just “happened” to roll to my feet. I let her pick it up, can’t lead the poor girl on. As she turned to pick it up, I saw her check me out and discover what a fine specimen I really am. I am a BABE MAGNET!! Naturally I avoided eye contact. 9:49am – Class will never end. All I can think about is lunch. One more hour till lunch!!!! Must be a granola bar in my bag SOMEWHERE!!! 9:50am – Class is FINALLY over! Some girls were selling brownies for the homeless dogs in the Bahamas or something. Although I was reticent about leading the poor girls on, I was STARVING! God forgive me, my weakness.
Used my ninja skills to ask, pay for, and most importantly eat the brownies without making either eye or physical contact. I even avoided speaking. I am THAT good. My ninja brothers would be jealous. However, I fear my efforts were wasted. My manliness still overcame one of the poor girls and she revealed her infatuation when she said, “That will be $2.00” in a husky voice. HUSKY! I am a BABE MAGNET!! 10:02am – I walked into my next classroom, or as I prefer to call it 50 minutes of PURE TORTURE. That crazy female professor (shouldn’t even be legal!) keeps prodding me with her pencil and insisting on what she calls “classroom participation” but what I know is really called TORTURE in third world countries. To quote the great Hall and Oates, “she is a man eater,” but not the good kind! Luckily my sleep defense kicked in after 5 minutes. Women who wear pants are evil. My wife will only ever wear skirts. Jessica Biel wears skirts. 10:49am – Woke up in my own pool of drool. The girl beside me (poor, simple, little thing) was staring at me with a disturbed look on her face. I think she was despairing over the fact that I am the brightest star in the heavens of BABE MAGNETs and she was only a planet or something, but not Venus. I
think Jessica Biel claims that title. I think we are compatible. 11:00am – LUNCH!!! 1:00-5:00pm – Contemplated going to the gym, but realized that it was impossible to increase perfection. Instead, I did something that was really important…but, I can’t exactly remember what… 6:00pm – Bless us, o Lord and these thy gifts… (those cows and spuds died for a good cause) 8:00pm – Had a household thing. I brought up the idea of changing our name to BABEMAGNETS of the Lord. Mission Statement: bringing love and joy to the hearts of many, particularly Jessica Biel. Unanimous agreement. Advisor, given his age and “wisdom” (translate: decrepitude) nixed the idea. Totally NOT a BABEMAGNET. Though maybe to his wife he is. Geez, the man has like a gazillion kids. Must be doing something right. 9:00-11:00pm – Man stuff. Ladies not invited 11:01pm – Watched “Fightclub” for the 94th time (I will break your record, Steve!). 1:00am – Zzzzzz… ~AL
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The September 23, 2008 edition of the Gadfly.