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ME: Honey Wilde is the British Burlesque satirist. Honeychild Ryder was the girl you picked up in Crab Key. BOND: I never picked up crabs from Honey. ME: No, you said Honey Wilde, who is an adult performer. BOND: From where? ME: Great Britain. BOND: I wonder if I did her, too. ME: You saved the world from more than one catastrophe over the years and did so on a government salary. Did you ever feel you should have retired a wealthy man? BOND: I did it for God and country, you know. ME: A lesser man may have not taken such chances as you took with scurrilous villains. BOND: Let me tell you those villains were not so dangerous as the pulp novels portrayed them. ME: Can you explain that? BOND: They call them pulp novels because they… ME: No, I mean explain what you said about the villains. BOND: Let me tell you those villains were not so dangerous as the pulp novels portrayed them. ME: That is what I want you to explain, please, about the villains. Can you give us examples? BOND: Dr. No, as I recall, was a doctor of proctology. He knew more about rectums than anyone in the Caribbean. I think his craving for international mischief had a significant relationship to his attraction to the human anus. ME: So it was Freudian-motivated treachery? BOND: Whatever does that mean? All I know is he made up his name, you see? He called himself Julius. It was his father’s name. That bloke made a living mess of the kid, abused him, I think, or at least abused his anus; you see what I am getting at here? Was that sound you or me? ME: I didn’t hear anything. BOND: My decaying stomach could have generated that ugly sound. There is a residue, a stench that follows, do you notice? ME: Tell me about Auric Goldfinger. BOND: What the hell was that song they wrote for him in that awful movie? ME: Goldfinger? BOND: That’s whom you asked about, isn’t it? ME: Yes but that was the title of the song, the title of the novel and the name of the movie. BOND: It was fiction, all of it. That obese man had some serious emotional problems. Actually he was colorblind. He might as well have been called Bluefinger or Whitefinger …

ME: That’s fascinating. BOND: …or Chartreusefinger or Turquoisefinger … [breaks into laughter, spits something up and wipes it on his pants]. You know that Oriental servant he had, that Blowjob fellow. ME: You mean Oddjob? BOND: I’ll tell you what was an odd job; it was watching that rotund sumo-wrestlersized slave go down on Goldfinger in the backseat of that Rolls Royce he drove. ME: They had relations? BOND: Yes, they both had families but I meant that one of the servant’s duties was to give Goldfinger head. That’s where he got the nickname Blowjob. ME: I see. What about Mr. Big? BOND: That reminds me, goodness, whatever happened to Fearless Leader? ME: He wasn’t connected with your Mr. Big adventure; Fearless Leader was a cartoon character with Rocky the flying squirrel. BOND: Nonsense, he worked for the CIA. He was an agent and that Mr. Big bloke maimed the poor fellow. ME: You mean Felix Leiter? BOND: That’s whom I said, young man. ME: Leiter was with you right to the end, was he not? BOND: Was he not what? ME: Felix, the CIA agent. He was with you on many adventures. BOND: So was Felix Leiter. ME: May I bring up another subject? BOND: No, this is my interview so I remain the subject, all right? ME: Yes, so tell me which of the women you truly loved. BOND: I married Teresa, you know, because I loved her but I wonder if I loved Goldfinger’s pilot more. What was her name? ME: Pussy Galore. BOND: It was everywhere. ME: Yes, but you mean the gay woman, Pussy Galore. BOND: She wasn’t gay at all. She was rather sour, in fact. ME: I meant homosexual, Sir Bond. BOND: You are? ME: No. Pussy Galore was a lesbian. BOND: Full time. Women who like women can be especially amorous with men, you know? Pussy couldn’t believe what got into her. [laughs and coughs but there is no phlegm] ME: That’s funny. BOND: What’s funny? ME: Let me ask you something else.

BOND: Excuse me. I don’t know if you heard that sound but I imagine it may produce some violent odor that will permeate your nostril shortly. I never could correctly digest poached mackerel. ME: How do you feel when I mention the name of your archenemy, the man who murdered your wife Teresa, Ernst Stavro Blofeld? BOND: Who? ME: Blofeld. You do remember Blofeld? BOND: The Blofeld I knew had one first name. Everyone called him Blowford. Wait, I mean Blowtorch. Wait, I mean Blowhard. Yes, that was it, Blowhard. What a bastard. ME: You hunted him personally, caught him in Japan and killed him with your bare hands, correct? BOND: No, I strangled him. I hunted and killed Blowhard with my bare hands. Did I mention that? What a bastard. ME: Was he anything like he was portrayed in the books or the movies? BOND: Blowhard was always changing his look. He would be thin and then muscular, then sport long grey hair, then… ME: Not in the movies. BOND: I don’t know if he went to the movies but he changed his appearance everywhere else he went so he could not be identified as Blowhard. Is it hot in here? ME: No. BOND: Didn’t you want an interview? ME: That is what we are doing, Sir Bond. BOND: Yes, I was knighted. ME: I have so many questions and my time with you is running out. BOND: Young man, my time with me is running out. When shall we start the interview? ME: Can I ask you about M, the chief when you were on Her Majesty’s Secret Service? BOND: Wasn’t that a title of a book? Or a movie? Or both? ME: What about M? BOND: His name was longer, you know. We called him M to keep it short. He was not much for words, though he often used them to talk. ME: Sir Bond … BOND: Yes. But that is a title, not my name. My name is…my name is…Bond, something Bond… ME: Let me thank you for your service Commander Bond. BOND: That’s not it, my first name is not Commander, it’s… ME: James. BOND: Bond. James Bond. ME: Yes sir. BOND: Was that sound you or me? ISSUE NINE

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Fourculture issue 9  

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