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Salty Senior Silliness T H E TRU TH AT MI D-LI FE Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. The good news about midlife is that the glass is still halffull...of course, the bad news is that it won' t be long before your teeth are floating in it. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shir ts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you cur ves... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. Mid-life is when you want to grab ever y firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! Mid-life is when you star t to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit. You become more reflective in mid-life. You star t pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? N U T T Y NONS E NSE There was a huge nut tree by the cemeter y fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemeter y was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemeter y. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He k new what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "I t's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemeter y!" He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won' t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemeter y dividing the souls." The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can' t you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemeter y and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself." Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy! GOV ERN M EN T S UPPOR T A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was ver y sorr y but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shir t." So he opened his shir t, revealing curly silver hair. She said, " That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he got home, the man excitedly tolds his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too!" S O N OT THAN KFUL A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "I better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and it read:
"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a ver y small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. I t had a $100 in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check . Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow think ing of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. I t read: "Dear God, how can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a ver y nice day, and I told my friends of your wonder ful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I t was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."
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CREPES MONTEREY CREPE CO.
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ITALIAN RESTAURANTS LA DOLCE VITA
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QUOTE OF THE
The Birds and the Bees
BY TOM BURNS Rex sat on the kitchen table, waiting for his next portion of cheese and cracker. It was high time I had a talk with him. THAT talk . . . the birds and the bees. “So Rexie, it’s like this. Men and women are different. Or, in your case, boy dogs and girl dogs. You’ve had Millie as your gal friend for a long time. I’ve seen you in action. Pathetic. No offense. Maybe I can give you some pointers to show you how to . . . to . . . well, to be in charge and get what you want.” I pushed another oyster cracker teetering with a column of Cheese Whiz his way. He wolfed it down in one gulp. “Now take that . . . you just inhaled the cracker. Try and be a little more refined. At least give it a chew or two. Be a gentleman. Women like gentlemen.” I gave him another cheese and cracker and he sucked that one down his pie hole in a nano-second. I sighed, signaling that I had my work cut out for me. “Rex . . . Rex, women are different, ya’ see. Why, they’ll be offended if they catch you peeing in the kitchen sink. They don’t understand how and why we would wear the same shirt for 27 days straight. They don’t understand the God-given pleasures of getting blotto at a party and wearing a lampshade on our heads. See what I mean, pal? It’s like we men don’t have a chance.” Rex stared at the pile of crackers and can of Cheese Whiz. “Women get all excited and gushy-faced talking about recipes. Men get all excited and gushyfaced about EATING the food, not talking about how you make it!” Rex
continued to stare at the cheese and crackers. I gave him another. “Now let’s move the conversation to a more intimate level. I’ve seen
“I don’t think he grasped the seriousness of the use of pillow talk in his romantic endeavors.” you in Millie’s dog house. I’ve heard the whimpering and yelping. Actually, it sounds just like when Kimmie the CPA and I are in bed, except in your case, the female does the whimpering and yelping. Now, look. You need what is called a little
“pillow talk” beforehand. Some words to comfort her. To encourage her to relax and enjoy a good shagging, er, ah, lovemaking session. I have just two words that I whisper to Kimmie each time. I say, ‘Brace yourself.’ But, you can’t talk, can you?” Rex stared out the window and sighed. “How about if I give you another cheese and cracker and you try and woof, ‘Brace yourself, Millie.’ Come, give it a try. Try ‘woo wo welf, Woolie. woo wo welf, Woo-lie.’ Come Rexie, try and say ‘brace yourself, Millie!” Rex continued to stare out the window. A nervous twitch had developed in his eye. “And after a good thrashing around on the bed, more pillow
MONTH BY BINI
The importance of being foolish is to play at work and to work at playing.
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I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.
CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in."
PAY ATTENTION "I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde. "You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde. "I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed. "I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!" The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When
GEOGRAPHY Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida????" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
OH OLIVE A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick. "Here, this is how you do it," he said, as he easily skewered the olive. "Big deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had it so tired out, it couldn't get away." TENNIS BALL While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at
the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "That must be painful â€Ś I had tennis elbow once."
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A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times. Thanks to George Scofield How do you decide who to marry? Out of the mouths of babes! You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 What is the right age to get married? 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 How can a stranger tell if two people are married? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 What do most people do on a date? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 When is it okay to kiss someone? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 ( Love her )
The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8 Is it better to be single of married? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) How would the world be different if people didnâ€™t get married? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is ....... How would you make a marriage work? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10 NURSERY RHYME KNOWLEDGE There was an old lady who lived in a shoe, She had so many children, she didn't know what to do; She had a sister who also lived in a shoe, But she didn't have any children; SHE knew what to do. ONLY IN THE OLâ€™ WEST A sheriff walks into a saloon, and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown paper Jake?", he asks. "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brownpaper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'...", replies the Sheriff. Thanks to George Thorpe SNAIL MAIL The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?""What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says his motherin-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, the mother-inlaw comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Rachel didn't receive your Email." CURTAIN RODS On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table. By candle light, he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.Then, slowly, the
house began to smell.They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ...... and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
BY BINI Sudden storms, droughts, floods, earthquakes...Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Aries - March 21 - April 19 the Ram
Cancer - June 21 - July 22 the Crab
Libra - September 23 - October 22 the Scales
Capricorn - December 22 January 19 the Goat
Daisy Cocktails for lunch...Wipe the daze from your aim and Ram at that gaggle of co-workers hissing at your rear! They claim your ingenuity is corrosive. Is it? I see brilliant ideas from long ago returning. In addition, when the June bug stinks of jealousy-just pay for the drinks!
Moonchild Please! Come outcome out wherever... from that cubicle! The evil director will not appease a scaredy crab. Think of your years of loyal service, you held breathy the prose of Shakespeare while they tried to blow Twitter up your artsy bum. The autotomy you performed earlier needs some Tree Sap to heal thy wounds of woe.
Hmmm...A red rose...how ordinary. Where are the glamour and the charm in a basket of humanity thrown at you day after day? Your unparalleled ability to deal with the public makes you turn this frantic organic formation into a humanitarian picnic! Endurance for mediocrity is a sturdy rose in your garden. I hear the ants networking...wow.
June is the season of the Unicorn! I do not know why you see yourself as the Namib Desert beetle? Whatever floats your goat. Take a back seat, rumble ride, thronged with red carnations, to neutralize that workaholic side of you. Impracticality works wonders on selfless, solitary, and mysteriously beautiful hornies like you.
Taurus - April 20 - May 20 the Bull
Leo - July 23 - August 22 the Lion
Scorpio - October 23 - November 21 the Scorpion
Congratulations, you made employee of the month! I know, I know, dry your eyes...the onions are burning from that catered feast just for you. You are a sunflower in the spotlight of life. ROARIFIED!
Your ideals sometimes are as starry as a chrysanthemum! A few bugs planted in your office disclosed your plans of revenge. Raid-ar this one off dudeâ€” Bloodstains are hard to get out. Focus on useful activities and be the work guru that you are.
You owe, you owe so off to work you go...this is a full bull of dull! Your romantic dreamer is struggling to get out. Drink from the violetâ€™s elixir and retreat into the hammock that whispers to you a gentle rock. Cutting yourself off from fresh experiences leaves you with summertime blues. Gemini - May 21 - June 20 the Twins You have friends in high places you Birthday nematode! After your Five Easy Sea Breezes you were found on the Green lulled amongst the Lily of the Valley. A birthday video was taken and emailed back to the office meeting so you would not be missed. Ahhh, the game of golf is full of holes, some have balls, and some remain brimming with rain. Life is a slice! Tee hee.
Virgo - August 23 - September 22 the Virgin You were promised a pocketful of posies and a patsy you became! No loss if you wear your heart on your sleeve! Try not to heave, when it bleeds, on your pressed tweeds, for your emotions will make like weeds, in the Eden of your intended perfection. Wait for the perfume of an open heart, and bake your Immaculate Perception cupcakes for the annual office party.
Sagittarius - November 22 December 21 the Archer Untying the knot that binds! An hour late for work on your first day back from vacation! Guessing your driving directions was too cumbersome. The daylight hours are long now...who knows what time it is...does anybody really care? Your flower, Sag, is the Narcissus. Funny that.
Aquarius - Jan 23 - February 18 the Water-carrier Unconventionality a must! Name your poison you Pathfinder extraordinaire! Flip a coin and you are always going to come up smelling like...orchids. Your smile dictates a healthy lifestyle so share the wealth by constructing a new work ethic. Shock us with mandatory 8am shoulder rubs on the roof. Pisces - February 19 - March 20 the Fishes Gullibility is tranquil as a jonquil until illumined by plain stupid. Trusting those corporate sharks again! Your tank is brimming with wisdom of experience. Rush hour must have furled you into murky waters and cast your pearls before swine. Be choosy what school of fish you swim with. If necessary-flush!
Fo o l i sh C r o ssw ord
We're so foolishly devious. We've made this puzzle so easy ... all you have to do is read the paper, the whole paper and nothing but the paper. The clues are right there. When you think you've got it, send it in. The 3rd winner will get a $25 gift certificate to the Crown and Anchor and get recognized in next month's issue. 1) Green auto body 2) Pacifier baby 3) play at work 4) laughing monkey 5) moonchild please 6) summer school fun 7) dynamic and fast paced organization
8) doofus funster 9) crowned teeth 10) giant porcelain deer 11) dracula 12) piano service 13) hunter douglas 14) sunflower 15) talent scouts
Check out last month's Foolish Crossword answers on Page 22
The Emerging Possum BY MARY TOMPSETT
Sonofagun, I filled out a life expectancy questionnaire and discovered I could live to be 100. Egad! This means I’ll probably outlive everyone I know. Obviously, I need to make lots of new, YOUNG friends and then hope to God they can stand me for 40 years. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen. Surely, you’ve seen the news photos of centenarians? Forgive my bluntness, but if you’ve seen one hairless possum wearing a Medi-Alert pendant, you’ve seen them all. Back to the questionnaire. Predictably, it covered diet, family illness, exercise—the usual yadda yadda that invariably triggers a sudden craving for potato chips. It’s hard to complete these things without fudging the answers. But then, fudge is a basic food group, so it all evened out.
Starting from a base age of 76, the quiz then added/subtracted years depending on each answer. Here are a few of the questions, along with insightful comments, the likes of which are better confined to this column and not impulsively blurted in the middle of a legal deposition or bank loan interview. • Gender plays a role. If you are male, subtract 3. If you are female, add 4. Because most women earn less than men during their working lives, it’s only fair that we get a few extra years to nurse our bitterness. Also, this question doesn’t address bisexuals or transgendered people, but I’m pretty sure you folks should divide by pi. • If any of your grandparents lived to age 85, add 2. Then add another 2 if granny had a mustache and a crush on the mailman. • Do you drink ¼ bottle of alcohol per day? Subtract 2. Does the bottle have a pretty label? Add 3.
• Men over 40, do you have a yearly physical? If yes, add 3. Stop right there. If you said yes, subtract 5 for lying. No, sweetie, an airport security x-ray does not count. • If you work behind a desk, subtract 3. For those of us who have learned to hide beneath one, add 3. If your office chair has wheels,
"…if you’ve seen one hairless possum wearing a Medi-Alert pendant, you’ve seen them all." add 4 more for the daily workout from scooting down the hall to the broom closet for a smoke. • If you live with a spouse or friend, add 5. If you live with them but dream of changing the locks, subtract 6 for the hell you’re in. Add back 2 if you put away the sharp knives.
• If you are overweight by 3050 pounds, subtract 7. However, if you wear manatee sizes but refuse to weigh yourself because it’s too damn stressful, add 8 for being proactive. If we make it to 100, amigos, we’ll likely resemble a piece of shriveled fruit found under the couch months after the party. Also, even if we’ve made new and younger friends, they’ll never have known us in the pre-possum days we didn’t drool or wear Depends. So I suggest we lop off a few years from that horrid life span by eating and living healthy only in even-numbered years. Good thing it’s 2013. Who wants pizza?!? © 2013 by Mary Tompsett Mary Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www. booklocker.com
WORRIES WHILE FLYING
A Group for Transforming Inbalanced Eating
Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.
Incorporating the eastern wisdom of mindfulness and yoga with western research on nutrition and the food-brain-body connection, you will awaken the wisdom of the body and restore joy and health to your relationship with food, eating and yourself.
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
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Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine. However, it would now take 18 hours to get to New York. A this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine or we'll be up here forever!"
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June is Busting Out All Over
Advice for Employee Seekers
Answers on Page 20
BY DEBBIE HARRIS
CAROUSEL PROMISES PREDICTING NETTIE DAWN TREES BREEZE
MEADOW BUSHES WHEEL INTENSE BEJEEPERS FENCE ALIVE
SONG SAPLING HANKER SUNLIT OCEAN WISHING
Each week, we provide the caption. You simply provide the cartoon!
Tom Burns ©2013
Several Gregorian Chant monks on break singing “Louie Louie”.
With today’s tight job market, a lot of advice in newspapers, magazines, job sites, and the Internet is aimed at helping job seekers to secure that perfect paying position. As someone who has been seeking full-time employment for many, many months and who has read many, many Help Wanted ads, I assert that not all lack of employment is the job seeker’s fault. There are ways in which those seeking that perfect slave, I mean, employee can improve their chances of getting qualified, hard-working applicants for their companies "Tell us who your company is. Start with a name. " May I recommend: Tell us who your company is. Start with a name. If you can’t do that, tell us you’re what your company does. If you are street corner shoe shiners then say so. If you sell time shares in Afghanistan, tell us. Please say anything besides “Dynamic and fast-paced organization.” Silly as it may seem, even we lowlife, lazy, good-fornothing unemployed people have standards. If you need a bookkeeper for your drug cartel, please tell us which drug we’d be accounting for so we can tweak our resumes in favor of that drug. Be proud of the product/service you provide and let us know what it is. Have someone proofread your ad. I mean someone who knows things - like words and reading. Advertising on Craigslist for a “manger” for your “medical grop” may have us suggesting that you relocate your ad to the Bethlehem region. Along those
lines, make sure your message is clear. What does “flexible hours” mean? Does it mean the employee gets paid time off for yoga class? Does it mean s/ he would be on a 24-hour call schedule at will like a mother? Or does it mean that you don’t know when your business will actually take off and you want someone to hang out with until it does? Say what you mean. Tell us your pay range. I know this is controversial and I understand that you’ll want to start us at the bottom of the wage scale no matter how much knowledge and/or experience we have. And I’ve learned that it’s the American capitalistic way to try to hire an employee for less than indentured servant during Reconstruction wages, but if you will be expecting us to pay you so that we can work for you, call us picky, but we might decide not to apply. Offer acknowledgement for our efforts. If we’ve taken two tests, gotten a timed-typing certificate, supplied hand-written answers to supplemental questions and delivered it in person to your human resources department, please let us know the status of our application after say, a month or so. And if we interviewed three times for the position after that and still didn’t get the job, how about offering consolation prizes like the game shows do. But instead of Rice-a-roni or Turtle Wax, please offer gas cards and/or gift certificates to grocery stores. That will help hold us over until we find the next potential employer. So employee seekers, it’s all about communication. Tell us what you want, even if it seems impossible. Who knows? You might actually find a great employee.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.
Answers on Page 20
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
CELL'S BELLS BY TED GARGIULO Another installment in the incredible saga of Dr. Garjekyll and Teddy Hyde
Dupe Cellular, Inc. Two Shoes, Nebraska Attn: Customer Service Dear Mr. Service: Please know that my wife and I are abysmally dissatisfied with your products. As per the terms of our 30-day risk-free trial, we’re returning both our cell phones in their original boxes for a complete and speedy refund. My device, the Doofus Delux Dip-Flack Funster, was defective the day it arrived. It has no functioning display whatsoever, other than a dark vertical line against a white screen, making it impossible for me to navigate, program or make any adjustments to the unit. I can make and receive calls, but I can’t see what I’m
doing. Also, the phone’s battery loses power after less than a day’s use. I charge it all night, switch it on the next day, make one or two brief calls around noon, and by evening the device has already switched itself off. Naturally, I can’t check the battery while the phone’s on because the bleepin’ screen is blank! The Doofus Funster has another infuriating quirk: a white strobe that flashes incessantly the moment I boot it up. From what I can decipher from the user’s manual (which is entirely in Spanish), the strobe indicates a message or a missed call. How they got there is a mystery, seeing how nobody knows my number, except you. (I know! You called to congratulate me on my purchase!) By holding the "numero uno" key, I’m supposed to able to access these messages—assuming that this demented gizmo had a screen that WORKED, so I could SEE to delete them. Short of whacking
the blame thing with a wrench, there’s no way to stop it from flashing. It’s making me crazy! That, plus hearing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" every time some fool I never met sends me a text I can’t read, or find. Couldn’t you have programmed a better ringtone? I’d pick a new one from the menu, but I can’t find that either! Far as I’m concerned, you can chuck this Funster in the dumpster!
"Short of whacking the blame thing with a wrench, there’s no way to stop it from flashing. " My wife’s Fleecer Frugalstück phone functions, sort of. However, it’s nothing like the model she saw online. She wanted one with large, raised keys that were easy to read. These are flat and tiny, with palegray digits set against a pale-gray background. (Whose ingenious
design was this?) Even with a magnifying glass, the woman can’t tell one key from another. She’s constantly hitting the wrong ones and waking up strangers in other time zones. Furthermore, the fidelity on both our devices sucks. My wife sounds like she swallowed a canary, and I sound drunk. Why do our friends all have smart phones that stream movies, play games and surf the Internet, while we’re stuck with two stupid ones? I’ll tell you why. Because I was too CHEAP to choose a reputable provider! Because I thought if I saved money on your lousy phone service, I could recoup what I lost on the lousy tablet you sold me last year. My wife says technology is only as smart as the person using it. Like the strobe on my Doofus display, that belated wisdom now serves as a nagging indictment every time I stare into that dull, blinking void, and realize that the "doofus"...is ME.
ET, Clone Home BY ROSIE SORENSON Cloning an extinct species seems to be the new Chia Pet among scientists these days: I want to bring back a woolly mammoth! I want to bring back a dinosaur! I want to do a Neanderthal! Ever yone wants to hop on this weird bandwagon called “de-extinction.” Me? I’ve got my reservations. To the South Korean scientist hell-bent on cloning a woolly mammoth, using genetic material extracted from thousands-of-years-old remains found in Siberia, I say, “Dude! Just Because You Can Do Something, Doesn’t Mean You Should.” This is similar to how I feel about the teen boys I encounter in the mall: “Hey! Just because you can belt your pants below your butt, doesn’t mean you should.” The South Korean scientist plans to implant DNA from the extinct mammoth into an elephant egg cell to create a new embryo which he will then implant into a female Indian elephant. Someone should urge him to think this through more carefully. Can you imagine the elephant mother ’s reaction when she first sees her newborn? Uh-oh. What the hell happened here? You don’t look like me, you don’t look like your Daddy. What’s he gonna think when he sees you? How am I going to convince him I haven’t been fooling around?
“Cross my heart and hope to die, Charles, I did not have relations with that . . . ,” she cries. “I want to believe you, Mabel, but look at him. Aint’ no kin of mine!” And I doubt the scientist thought ahead to the time when the wooly kid goes off to school. Who would he pal around with? I can see it all now : the lonely youngster on the playground, wanting to fit in but being rebuffed by the alpha elephant.
“Just because you can belt your pants below your butt, doesn’t mean you should.” “Dude! You’re not from around here, are you? What’s up with those curly tusks? In this town, man, we wear ‘em straight. And, has anyone ever said you need a haircut? Nothing personal, dude, but you don’t make no sense. Who’s your Daddy, anyhow?” Maybe this is all part of a clever South Korean plan. Maybe they want to stop the North Korean dictator, Kim Jun Un, in his nuclear tracks by releasing thousands of woolly mammoths to swarm over the border. That would scare the bejesus out of him. “Okay, man, I’ll put down my nukes – just get those things away from me,” he would cry. Now, to the scientist who wants to clone the Neanderthal,
I have this to say : we don’t need no more stinkin’ knuckledraggin’ beasts stalking around on our planet. The NRA already has that job description locked and loaded. But, hey, as long as we’re tinkering with DNA, here’s some stuff I wouldn’t mind seeing cloned: Elvis, in his younger, leaner days. Moderate Republicans. Now, more than ever. Abraham Lincoln. See above. The Dodo bird. Just because. The Edsel. For the Dodo bird to ride around in. Walter Cronkite. Now, more than ever. Michael Jackson. When he was still black. Twinkies. In case the company really does go bankrupt. Me. At 20. Well, why not? Come on, people, let’s get crackin’! Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. They Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s f ifteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www. TheyHadMeAtMeow.com.
Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls? Because they couldn't spell their names! What is the noisiest game? Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet! Why did the king go to the dentist? To get his teeth crowned! Why are you covered in bruises? I started to walk through a revolving door and I changed my mind! How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!
Pasta Perfection BY MIKE L ARSEN
I have written in the past about my friend Lilly ’s adventures in Elder Care Sitting and here is another story. She recently took a new gig with a senior couple who are in their 80’s. A ver y sweet couple, who adore her and treat her like a daughter. They just need special care in the early mornings and late evenings. They have many friends and a family in the area and seem quite loved by those around them. At night, Lilly usually prepares the pre-made meals brought by the various family members. After diner, she then watches T V with the couple and then puts them to bed and when they are a leep she goes home. One evening, Lilly pulled out a pre-made meal from the freezer and popped it in the oven. The cooking instructions were written on it so all she had to do was reheat it. This time it was a cheesy pasta dish which she then served with a homemade salad. As they were digging in to eat, the man looked down and exclaimed, ‘Oh this pasta looks like foreskin!” Sheila must of made it!” The old lady said, without blinking an eye, “Yup must be foreskin then! Lilly looked closely at it, and indeed it kind of did look a bit odd but she just assumed it was the musings of and old man
and woman and did not pursue the conversation, but did completely lost her appetite for pasta and just ate the salad. A few weeks later Lilly pulled out another frozen pasta dish and ser ved it that night. When it was fully heated through she pulled off the foil cover and put a ser ving spoon in it and as she did so she looked down into the dish and could swear that the pasta was not your normal looking Penne pasta but in fact looked very phallic like. She tried to ignore what she was looking at and ser ved it anyway. As Lilly sat down the lady said, “Oh this must be another Sheila dish!” "She gets pasta at the sex novelty store. " Lilly, this time asked, “ What the heck is going on with these pasta dishes!” Well it turns out that Sheila is their practical joker of a granddaughter who loves to play jokes on her grandparents. Apparently, she gets this pasta at a sex novelty store and was told to be aware of other food stuff in the future. Lilly decided to pass on the pasta even though the couple gobbled it up and said it was good. She then told me what happened and I said to her, “ This would make a great column, so is it spelled Penne or Peni?”
A man was charged with petit larceny after he allegedly left a store with a power nailer in his pants. A man was observed on store videotape taking 20 cans of baby formula without paying. A counterfeit $20 was passed at a local store. When questioned about the authenticity of the bill an unidentified woman with two children said, "I don't want to find out." She left the store without further conversation. Identification of the woman is being sought through video surveillance. A man driving a 1994 Camaro accelerated at a high rate of speed near his residence. Upon interviewing authorities discovered the man was driving with improper plates. Assorted snow blower parts were dumped off at the Department of Public Works site. An resident reported he found his mailbox stuffed with mud and a plunger stuck to the front door when he came home. Police received a call from a husband who wanted police to explain "the finer points of living in the United States" to his Columbian wife who wants to leave. A caller reported someone was driving a car slowly around a building. It was a middle-aged person learning how to drive. One pair of boots and 20 pair of underwear was taken from an apartment. A caller reported a large black and tan Doberman was in their area. Police determined it was only a giant porcelain deer. A four-foot stuffed Easter bunny was found on the front lawn of a residence, where a 12-inch decorative Easter egg was reported missing. The rabbit was tagged and placed in the detective bureau. Twenty pair of underwear were taken from a laundry machine on. Smoke was reported in a home due to an overcooked meal. A woman asked a patrol to speak with her 12 year old son, who spent $600 on the internet using the caller's credit card.
Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN
Can you guess who said the following? 1. "Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun." A. Matt Groening B. William Shakespeare 2. “You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.” A. Justin Bieber B. Alan King 3. "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened." A. Dracula B. Winston Churchill 4. "Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite." A. John Kenneth Galbraith B. Davy Crockett 5. "Get the facts first. You can distort them later." A. Mark Twain B. Michele Bachmann 6. "Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." A. Goofy B. Robert Heinlein 7. "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." A. Bob Hope B. Socrates 8. “The only time a woman can really succeed in changing a man is when he is a baby.” A. Julius Caesar B. Natalie Wood Answers (all true): 1-A, 2-B, 3-B, 4-A, 5-A, 6-B, 7-A, 8-B Scoring: (number correct) 7-8: Ballet Dancer, 5-6: Transgender, 3-4-: Lunatic, 1-2: Punctual, 0: Psychic
Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.
Did You Know: 11% of people are left handed August has the highest percentage of births Unless food is mixed with saliva you can't taste it The average person falls asleep in 7 minutes A bear has 42 teet hAn ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain Most lipsticks contain fish scales No two corn flakes look the same Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries 8% of people have an extra rib85% of plant life is found in the ocean Ralph Lauren's original name was Ralph Lifshitz Rabbits like licorice The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters 'Topolino' is the name for Mickey Mouse Italy A lobster's blood is colorless but when exposed to oxygen it turns blue Armadillos have 4 babies at a time and are all the same sex Reindeer like bananas The longest recorded flight of a chicken was 13 seconds Birds need gravity to swallow The most commonly used letter in the alphabet is E The least used letter in the alphabet is Q The 3 most common languages in the world are Mandarin Chinese, Spanish and English Dreamt is the only word that ends in mt The names of all continents both start and end with the same letter The first letters of the months July through to November spell JASON A cat has 32 muscles in each ear Perth is Australia's windiest city Elvis's middle name was Aron The flag for Libya is unlike any other being a solid green color Goldfish can see both infrared and ultraviolet light The smallest bones in the human body are found in your ear Cats spend 66% of their life asleep Money is the number one thing that couples argue about Macadamia nuts are toxic to dogs Spiders are arachnids and not insects
continued from page 6 - Rex talk. Got it? Now women may start yakking about what color to paint the hallway, what table-setting placements she should use for her next formal tea, or what shape of spatula to use on their next red velvet cake. But stick to your guns, Rexie. Talk about your favorite duck call. The best BBQ sauce you’ve ever had. The most fun you’ve ever had with a roll of duct tape. You know, use your imagination. Don’t let them hog the pillow talk with sissy stuff. Got it?” Rex scratched at a flea on his hindquarters. I don’t think he grasped the seriousness of the use of pillow talk in his romantic endeavors. I know it works for me. Why, Kimmie the CPA will sometimes
sit there open-mouthed as I relate to her the best way to rotate tires after our little love romps. Sometimes she will lay there with big eyes and arched eyebrows as I pontificate on the maintenance and cleaning procedures for your rod, reel and tackle box. Rex hopped down off the table and zoomed out the doggie door and headed over the Millie’s dog house. I opened the back door and called out, “Pillow talk, Rexie. PILLOW TALK!!!” Rex and Tom, or Tom and Rex can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
from page 8
foolish search's answers
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Guide to Local Businesses & Services Guide to Local Businesses & Services
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Jewelry repair, watch batteries, custom design pieces. The Monterey Peninsula’s Premire Jeweler Since 1989.
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PoquET says: Enjoy this juicy Earth now, my little fractal pterodactyls...not when your (space) ship comes in, the political regime changes, you get a new job, or meet your soul mate.
Making it into C omedy BY REX KEYES
Many years ago, while living in Alaska, my wife and I were getting cabin fever. We decided to get away from the snow and long dark nights by taking a two week vacation to visit relatives and friends in the Lower 48. While in Los Angeles, one of our friends invited us to the Comedy Store, which is located on Sunset Blvd right in the middle of Hollywood. Our friend had appeared there on stage several times in the few months prior, hoping he would be discovered. The Comedy Store was and still is the place to go if one is trying to make it into comedy, especially TV comedy. Talent scouts frequent the audience, looking for new faces to bring to television. “Never sit at a table with other aspiring comedians. ” When we arrived, there was a long line of people waiting to get in and since our friend did not know the new guard at the door, he escorted us around the back to the kitchen staff entrance. They recognized him and let all three of us through the kitchen into the entertainment area. There, at a large table, five of his fellow comedians invited us to have a seat. At the Comedy Store there is a main stage and pictures of famous comedians painted on glass with backlighting. Once a stand up comedian enters the stage he has so much time allotted for his performance. Then lights illuminating those pictures begin to flash as a warning to
start wrapping it up. If one goes over their time, red lights come on and someone comes out and drags the performer off stage. Never sit at a table with other aspiring comedians. As people came up on stage to perform, everyone at our table gave a critique; he should say this as the punch line instead of that, his delivery is too boring, that joke is bad, etc., etc. The comedians at our table had been there so many times they knew the punch lines and began to say them before the performer did. Finally, they asked us what we thought of the performances. That was our chance; we said we thought a lot of the performances were funny and would be even funnier if we didn’t hear the punch line beforehand. So they apologized and kept quiet the rest of the show. One comedian at the Comedy Store that night who later became famous was Arsenio Hall. He was by far the funniest. He later landed a late night show that lasted for several years. But his show wandered from its successful comedic beginnings. He began to talk more and more about social and political issues and lost his audience. The show was eventually canceled. As for our friend, he kept on trying for a few more months to make it in comedy and finally gave up. There is so much competition out there and Hollywood is a harsh world. For all the people who make it, there are many more that don’t. One doesn’t have to go to Hollywood to enjoy comedy. So save your money, save your time, don’t fly south, read Foolish Times. “Oh, Oh, I see the red lights flashing; gotta go!”
Fo o l i sh C r o ssw ord ANSWERS FROM LAST MONTH'S PUZZLE Congratulations to Jennifer Hanley, winner of last month's puzzle.
P UNS Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted. The raisin wined about how he couldn't achieve grapeness. After winter, the trees are releaved. I can't find my rutabaga. I hope it will turnip. When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees. When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one. My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin. When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune. If we canteloup lettuce marry!
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