Can’t figure out if I’m in preschool or high school.
Oh wait, I’m at work. Expanded Event Calendar Pg. 28 – 29
Light Up The Night!
A TRIBUTE HONORING PAULETTE LYNCH Join our friends for a tribute honoring Paulette Lynch celebrating her 30 years of service as an advocate and arts leader as she retires from the Arts Council for Monterey County after 15 years as Executive Director.
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6th 5-8 pm
SUNSET CENTER | San Carlos Street at Ninth Avenue, Carmel-by-the-Sea Tickets/lnfo: www.ﬁrstnightmonterey.org | Phone: 831.373.4778
Celebrate With Us!
LIVE MUSIC • ART • WINE • FOOD Proceeds Beneﬁt Youth Art Scholarships in the name of Paulette Lynch for First Night Monterey Summer Art Camps in Monterey and Greenﬁeld.
COMES AL VE AT GOODWILL
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead................................Stevie P. Editor at Large..................................Javlis Art Fool...............................Mama Morgan Social Media Fool.............................Jordo Web Fool..........................................Zachy Sales Fool.....................................Michael
Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Jay Russell, Mary Tompsett
The Chucklehead Speaks Has anyone noticed that the CSUMB football team is undefeated this year? This is good news and timely for the school because they are celebrating their 25th anniversary. Who knew CSUMB has been around for so long and go figure that they don’t have a football team. Congrats to both the team and the school. Another undefeated team is the Sea-Kings. They are 0-0. The team will start their ABA basketball season in November at home against the Fresno Sun Rays. After a year on moth balls, the team has twenty-five games scheduled with more games to come. Two years ago, they were invited to Texas to compete for the ABA Championship. They were the team no one wanted to play and were upended in the second round by the eventual champions. It was not my intention to write about sports. For some of you it’s a boring subject. I love watching live sports. We’re at a great time of year with football, basketball and hockey seasons ramping up and we waited all summer for baseball to be interesting with
the playoffs. What do you call my sports watching buddies and me who spent a lot of time in Sports bars? An Uber. Others call us single for a reason. My girlfriend recently said she had enough with sports dominating my free time. It’s silly for her to make that remark because she identifies with football players. She spent her whole life training for a large, jewel incrusted ring. Game over sweetheart! I did capitulate and went jogging on the beach with her. By the time I realized how out of shape I was, it was too far to walk back home. She likes the Food Network. I asked her why she spends her time watching these shows when she doesn’t even cook. Her response was, “Then why do you watch football?” I used to play sports but then I realized I can buy trophies. Now I’m the best at everything. I’m undefeated because I either win or I learn.
Stevie P. / firstname.lastname@example.org
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MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. 831.375.9581 grovemarketgrocery.com
DI L L I G S ! ?
By Mary Tompsett
Loose Garments & Quicksand
Is hindsight really “20-20”? The common phrase sounds tidy, the bolt of perfect insight that finally strikes us long after the fact. Speaking for myself, insightful perspectives are continually evolving—or deteriorating— depending on my mood, stomach rumblings, and whether my psychic reading of the cat’s hairball reveals a happy Muppet or the evil clown in “IT.” Here at DILLIGS we ladle out hefty wisdom byproducts, thanks to the large and good looking staff that lives in my head. Today I hear them yelling ideas with a Scottish accent. Welcome to DILLIGS: “Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!” QUESTION: I long for oldfashioned trick-or-treating of the last century. Where did our freedom and safety go? DILLIGS: Yes, I fondly remember the freedom of roaming strange neighborhoods in the dark, while parents watched one of four channels on TV. But hey, we did that all year long! On Halloween, I wonder if you also remember the rare “supervising” grownup carrying a
martini glass and chanting along with kids for “treats” at each house. Safety standards were less than stellar, with store-bought costumes often dark, ill-fitting, and flammable. As a third-grader, I recall wearing a full-face rubber horse mask with eye holes ten inches apart and positioned over my forehead. My little eyeglasses were useless. Granted, this upped the odds of a good tumble off the curb or porch steps, but luckily a sustained sugar high numbs pain until long after blood has clotted. Our unsupervised childhoods built courage and initiative, qualities we would need later as teens, hopping our first freight train and hitch-hiking home before Mom and Dad woke up. QUESTION: I dread large social gatherings. How can I gracefully leave early? DILLIGS: Gracefully?? Aw, that’s so cute. Here are a couple of my favorite strategies. Channel your panic into a loud and sudden burst of speaking in tongues. Shout over anyone who tries to translate, genuflect to your party hosts, and head out. Not proficient in tongues? No worries.
I have won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year I am dressed as a hotdog. I’m on a roll.
Thrash up and down from a squatting position until your butt breaks the immense suction pulling you under. This works best for escaping quicksand, but I have found the gyrations will clear a path through any crowd like Moses parting the sea. QUESTION: I’m a “Git ’er done” kind of person, but Thoreau, or maybe Oprah, said to “wear life like a loose garment.” I’m confused! DILLIGS: When it comes to garments, let’s go with layers. Begin with a straitjacket; keep several on hand because they wear out fast. For those “Git ‘er done” frenzied moments in the
rain with a rented wood chipper, select a cute pair of lederhosen shorts. No long, flowing scarves! They will kill the Alpine lumberjack look. However, a huge poncho is the ideal loose garment for motorcycle rides and high diving competitions. In hindsight, a poncho could also offer a graceful exit from that dreaded social gathering we mentioned earlier, immediately after dragging folds of fabric across a table filled with trays of deviled eggs, barbecued pork, and that giant sheet cake.
By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram
Yet, another idea...a farce-booka-thon! Running for 27 hours in virtually the same cyberspace circuit. You conceded to amateur conversation, concluding with thousands of “Likes,” such pizazz. Then why do you feel like a jittery desert, you wonder. Just think what you could do with a kiss-athon. Certainly your lover would prefer. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull
Hurry up! You loathe being rushed...move it! This disgusts you especially when you are so dependable and always show up. You are more than your data, more than what your profile claims you to be. Into the deep dark depths of your Bullish ass lies a soul ready for a quantum leap. Shine up your nose ring and show your contacts what real time communication is about. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins
Has anyone made you laugh lately? Listen to yourself gossiping. You can only fritter your twitter just so much before your face resembles a snapchat. You may cry salty tears after you hear what “they” have been saying about you, things like toil, boil and hedge-pig whined. Not quite what you had in mind is it? Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab
Can one kiss do all of this? If it’s Dracula’s, hell yes! Even your ringtone is playing “Bite
Me.” Don’t rush headlong into anything. First you need a transfusion before you can trust how you feel. Clear history and Refresh before you count on The Count to tell how many tweets it takes to make you twitch. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion
How long has this world shaking conversation been going on? Small talk is not for you, unless it’s all about you. This Hyena co-worker has spritzed its wits all over you for the last time! You are cool as a cucumber until your tail taps a haunted rap song and there lies a litany of diverse tempestual rhythms. You are a big star, I assure you, it’s just that the monitor is small. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin
Head of Toad...Keep in mind you are a person who thinks. This is a means to a beginning. Behind the curtain of an exotic neurotic thrives a functional advantage: Being able to refer to your ethics on a daily basis. You wouldn’t be caught dead at the end of a camera tentacle that was hoovering your personal data and distributing it to say Farce-Book, Fritter or Welp! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales
You are thinking that the way you feel must be illegal! (Is it?) Since you are the Tiffanys of the Zodiac, extorting advertising dollars for your birthday desires is a synch with all that Libra-L charm. You shall get all your birthday wishes
this year because you are so linked in! (But, just n’ case have the GodFather on speed-dial). Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion
A passive You doesn’t blow. That is exactly what Farce-Book is, a passive view on events occurring willy nilly throughout the day. No wonder you are tooth of wolf after shedding your identity... careful that it doesn’t bleed into an unrestrainable behavior that could destroy that eloquent anonymity of yours. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer
There is lot’s of itchy, witchy, bitchy in the air! What happened SAG to your joie-de-vivre?! Did you get swiped from the predicts of what “they” think might interest you? Autumn in New York or golf in the Ozarks? You can’t decipher where all this spam is coming from-Wool of Bat! What APP really stands for is, Apply Pressure Promptly to injury or end up in the outlands alone!
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier
When Faced with a head-on approach you tend to retreat! Face it and see through the shadow lurking. This could be a case of human trafficking...‘round about that cauldron of yours, seek the antidote for being sucked in. Whatever it takes, toe of frog or a fenny snake, be the person in private that you reward yourself for in public. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes
Whispered in the moon’s eclipse... your thousand Faces speak. Still remain unique, elusive, untouchable and mysterious, and no, not a freak. PI you have a modern day quality with a touch of the ethereal. Not too many get you babe. Makes no difference at all because your daydreams are your truest reality. Edge your way to the cliff’s crest and dive into the vastness of your imagination and peak!
Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat
Melancholy Baby ~ You desire real conversation and not some pasted post of pictures from a third party posing as a friend. It’s been a long time since you’ve bitten the neck of a juicy intelligent conversation. Arrgh! It’s ok pumpkin, all desires coming from where you least detect it.
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
By Sali When speaking to Wendy Brickman, the event coordinator for the Language Capital of the World Cultural Festival, I felt her excitement about how Monterey is at the heart of
Years ago, I opened the kitchen cupboard door in my mom’s kitchen, I saw a glass jar labeled, “Starbug.” More recently, she handed me a plastic pouch of unwanted coffee labeled, “DECAL.” I felt like saying, “Decals are stickers. You meant to write ‘decaf.’ I knew how my mom would reply: “People know what I am saying.” I have great respect for English learners, as it is difficult and mistakes are inevitable. If you want to be exposed to and learn languages in a relaxed and entertaining environment, consider spending the day at the Custom House Plaza in Monterey on Sunday, October 5, 2019, from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.. The Language Capital of the World Cultural Festival, a free event for all ages, features mini language lessons that are taught on a schedule. There will also be dancing, music, food, and a chance to experience more of the world.
without the type of worry or embarrassment that adult learners may feel. Interest and motivation make a difference in success. Language learning can have its challenges. Being exposed to the language increases the level of comfort. Besides a classroom setting with book
Marketing at LanguageLine Solutions, a company that provides interpreting and translating services, gave examples of language services used in medical, legal, and financial settings. Lack of exposure to foreign languages can be overcome by meeting and interacting with people who speak other languages. Watching bilingual television and reading in foreign languages are other ways to gain language skills. Learning cultural knowledge and customs are also important. Embarrassment and fear of making mistakes make language challenging. Sometimes, we just say the wrong thing. I was reminded of the time I offered tea-leaf flavored hard boiled eggs to a Spanish speaking woman at work and explained that they were uvas. They most certainly were not grapes. Nonetheless, she knew I was offering her huevos, eggs. She knew what I was saying. Language Capital of the World Cultural Festival www.lcowfest.com
language education. No one is too old or too young for learning. A willingness to learn and engage is the first step. Monterey’s businesses and economy depend on being able to communicate with people and to provide them with the highest level of services. Crystal Chang, a college level language instructor who has also taught children, explained how young people are sponges for language and learn
learning, the practical learning obtained from the environment and exposure make the learning come to life. Suzanne Franks, Vice President of
By Rex Keyes
Christmas & Halloween
In a past article I wrote, Christmas Preparedness and Season was starting in July. Well, I got some criticism that that was way too early. Now thanks to one of the largest retailers in the U.S. they have proved my case correct as to Christmas preparedness starting months ahead of time. Thanks to Costco, they have put out Christmas stuff about 4 months ahead of time. Down their center isle they have on display Christmas toys and games for kids, both boys and girls. They also have for sale on artificial Christmas trees, ornaments and lighted lawn statues of reindeer and snowmen. Thank you Costco for backing me up! Now everyone has months to view and decide what Christmas presents they are going to buy. One of the biggest fun holidays for not only kids but adults is coming up and that is Halloween. The Halloween parties are great because an adult can dress up as anyone they always wanted to be. If a woman wants to look like Marilyn Monroe or an evil witch, this is the time to do it. If a man wants to look like the cowboy John Wayne or Frankenstein
this is the time to do it. And vice versa. Usually at some bars, clubs or private parties they’ll have a live band or a D.J. If you’re dressed like Frankenstein you can do the Monster Mash. If you’re dressed
The Halloween parties are great because an adult can dress up as anyone they always wanted to be. like a modern character you can make your arms wave and your feet look like you’re walking forward when you are actually going backward. I think that’s the Moon Walk. You can even get on your back on the floor and twist around in circles like Bluto did in Animal House. At a Halloween party you can do about any dance you want to and people will consider it good entertainment. Just try not to bump into anyone and spill their drink. Isn’t it strange that our major holidays fall toward the end of a month? Halloween is October 31st. Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday of November. Way
back in 1939, they changed Thanksgiving to the third Thursday of the month then back to the fourth Thursday. Christmas is always December 25th. We must not forget New Year’s Eve which is on the last day of the last month of the year. New Year’s Eve parties start in the evening and usually right after midnight most parties end and everyone goes home. New Year’s Day is when people sleep in trying to recover from the previous night’s party. New Year’s Day is also when Alka Seltzer makes a lot of money as people who have hangovers spend the day recovering. There’s a big advantage in October and that is just about every brand of candy will be on sale. This is the time to stock up on a year’s supply. One can store candy just about anywhere because it will stay good for a long time. Just don’t store it in a warm place because it might melt. Of course one may have to hide it because if the kids find the candy, it may only last a month or two. Have a Happy Halloween!!!
Q: Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? A: They are afraid of flying off the handle. Q: What do sea monsters eat for lunch? A: Fish and ships. Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant? A: Spare ribs. Q: What is the selfish girl’s name? A: Mimi. Q: Why do manly ghosts have so much trouble dating? A: Women can see right through them. Q: What did the jack say to the car? A: Can I give you a lift? Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables? A: In a blood bank. Q: What are the six maim seasons? A: Spring, summer, fall, winter, salt and pepper.
We are prisoners to our phones. That’s why they are called cell phones.
I’m so lovable. The doctors gave me a special jacket so I can hug myself.
Q: How do hotdogs speak? A: Frankly. Q: How do you make a breadstick? A: Use lots of glue.
By Daria James
Boys in Venus, Girls in Mars Hello there, if you are reading this in California, I feel bad for you, autumn is a beautiful season I was missing in my life, I was blind and now I see. Sure, the eternal sunshine is nice and all, but you know what else is nice? Affordable homes in nice neighborhoods, the weather don’t pay my bills.
Gone are the days of educated opinions. With a new season at the door, magazines and marketing are working full speed to get us into the season’s outfits to strut our stuff in. It never really changes though, just an old jacket with a patch on it or a faux zipper on the side of a turtleneck. Sashay, Shantay, Shatay, Shantake yo moneys. I just layer up; throw a corresponding scarf with the right level of cold and some skinny jeans that accentuate the contours of my legs, let the autumn gentle winds caress my hair until is time to put on
a slouchy beanie. I believe we should wear our clothes and not the other way around, confidence is in style year-round. Miranda Priestly would say “it’s sort of comical how you think that you’ve made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you’re wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room... from a pile of stuff.” Yes, she said it, I will reluctantly represent it by wearing my clothes when I want, not when the self-proclaimed socalled fashion gurus tell me to, find small but meaningful ways to upset the system. Like when I tell my kid to clean their room, suddenly they have to do a list of things they were going to do before I asked them to clean their room. The one thing I have noticed lately is how some men’s magazines are showing pictures of the male models in some more feminine poses, bent at the waist, side shoulder, and androgynous hairstyles to name a few. I even saw a model with a dress on, sure, it is fashion and art is whatever we can get away with. However, is this the right
I’m not saying my wife is ugly...but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
approach to breaching the gap of inequalities amongst genders? We tried putting women in pantsuits but that did not work, so let’s try men in cute tank tops and pastel pants. You know, stay woke. Personally, I rather see advertising and advise for men to learn how to manage their feelings in order to view and respect women as their equals in the work fields we share, as well as men chivalrously taking no for an answer when women are not interested in a drink or a date. I would buy that magazine with articles like hey bro! She said No, Here is a list of things not to do to deal with rejection and keeping your fragile ego intact. Basic Hygiene tips and why spitting on the sidewalk is repulsive. Perhaps some argue that fashion magazines are not really the place to send that message, but I think once you have established a platform you
can send whatever messages you want. Remember when only experts in matters would share their opinion about things with reputable sources to quote. Gone are the days of educated opinions. Now anybody with a keyboard can say whatever they want, the problem is you never know who is behind the keyboard and worse, who is all listening or reading the message. Well Daria, isn’t that what you are doing?! You are darn right I am! Can I say damn? In my defense, I do conduct some research on the matters I like to speak of, it is important to have an educated response when someone dares to challenge my humble opinion. Although, sometimes a yeah, well F@$% you!! Cannot be contested. In conclusion, wear whatever you want and be a considerate human being.
Everybody Has a Bob Dylan Story By Tony Albano
Anyone who knows me knows that music is my life. They also know that I believe Bob Dylan is, without a doubt, a genius and a master songwriter. He has totally intrigued me since I was ten years old. Over the years I’ve taken a lot of heat because many people don’t understand what I see in him. They make fun of his voice; they say they don’t understand him; they say he’s terrible, etc. But there is no way to influence my opinion of him. Because friends and associates know I’m a Dylan fan, they sometimes play tricks on me like leaving a sign on my door saying, “Sorry I missed you, Tony. (Signed) Bob Dylan.” Other people who know how I feel are kind enough to send me articles or books or other material on him that they think I haven’t seen. Some people find it a challenge to be the first to surprise me with something I don’t know about him. Usually I thank them graciously even though, most often, I’ve seen or have the item. Some people who find out that I’m a music and Bob Dylan fan want to impress me with stories about him, such as, “I knew a girl who knew a guy whose cousin went to school with him,” or “I once knew a girl who dated him.” This has been happening my whole adult life. It’s happened so much that I have to be careful because sometimes my New York sarcasm can backfire. Let me give you a few examples. I had a lovely neighbor named Ruth; she was older,
but loved when I played my music loud and said that it never bothered her. She actually enjoyed knowing that I was upstairs. We had become very close, and she knew about my intrigue with Bob Dylan. She told me that her nephew was in the music industry in Los Angeles and that one year he was so broke that he was living out of his car, but now he was about to make it big in the music industry. She also told me that he’d been in Dylan’s company several times. I took this with a grain of salt, but since it was Ruth, I politely listened. I told Pat, “Ruth’s just another person telling me a story about Bob Dylan.” But, lo and behold, I found out that her nephew actually produced Bonnie Raitt’s mega-hit album, Nick of Time, and was now working on an album with Bob Dylan that he ended up producing. His name is Don Was. For once, one of the stories was true. You’d think I would have learned my lesson about doubting
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election Night.
people, but I hadn’t. I was working at a restaurant in Carmel with Pearl, the lovely young hostess. I would come in every day singing Bob Dylan songs. One day she said, “Tony, you really like Bob Dylan.” I said, “I guess I’m pretty obvious about that.” She said, “You know my aunt almost married him.” So, I thought, here we go again. I said, “Who the hell is your aunt, Joan Baez?”
You’d think I would have learned my lesson about doubting people, but I hadn’t. She said, “Yes, how do you know that? My mother is Pauline, Joan’s sister.” I was shocked. Another person was telling me the truth. It was for real. Since then, Pearl has gone on to sing with Joan Baez at many of her concerts. I bumped into Pearl a couple of days ago and we reminisced about that occasion when I doubted her. Another time I became acquainted with Alfredo, a man who delivers wood in Carmel. One day he had to stop at my house. When he came in and saw my bookshelf and saw all my Bob Dylan books, he casually said, “I
bet I’m in some of these books you have about Bob Dylan.” After he left, I turned to my friend and said, “Oh, another guy with a Bob Dylan story.” That night I was reading a book called Positively 4th Street, and once again, lo and behold, Alfredo is in the book hanging out with Bob Dylan and Richard Farina and the Baez sisters in the very early days of their musical careers. Now Alfredo is no longer the wood man to me; I want him to be my best friend and tell me all he knows about those early years. Maybe I should stop with the New York sarcasm, shut up, and just listen when someone has a story about my favorite songwriter. It just may be true. And to all my friends who have given me grief over the years about how awful Bob Dylan is, I feel I’ve been vindicated by the fact that he recently won the Nobel Prize in Literature. From Tony’s new book, ‘A Leg to Stand On’ The book can be found on Amazon and at Books & Sound in Oldtown Salinas.
A vampire joined the police force so he could learn the correct way to get a stakeout.
Two guys having drinks at Alfredo’s. One man says to the other, “I would rather live with a vampire than my wife!” The other man asks, “Why?” He responds, “Because she’s always trying to bite my head off!”
What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him? “I can see right through you.”
The young ghost went trick or treating. A neighbor asked her, “Who are your parents?” “Deady and Mummy,”
What happened to Frankenstein’s monster on the road? He was stopped for speeding, fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
Don’t bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He won’t show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they’re all transparent.
A ghost had been staying in a bed and breakfast hotel and when he came down for dinner he asked the waitress, “Please can I have two eggs, one tough and one rubbery, really tough bacon and burned, fried bread?” The waitress said, “Sir, we really can’t serve that kind of
horrid food here.” The ghost replied, “Well, you did yesterday!”
Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my girlfriend had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand.
What did the daddy ghost say to his son? Don’t spook until spooken to!
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death —we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
Did you hear about the chopper that crashed in the cemetery?
Search and rescue workers have recovered 100 bodies and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
A few days after Halloween, Bob came home with a bad report card. His mother asked why his grades were so low. “Because everything is marked down after Halloween!”
Everyone at the company I worked for dressed up for Halloween. One fellow’s costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, “I’m a temp.”
Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”
What do you get if you cross a vampire and a teacher? Lots of blood tests.
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. “Who are you?” he asked. “I’m the Devil!” she responded. “Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister!”
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween...
Here’s the lesson: Costumes are like pregnancy. DO NOT ASSUME ANYTHING. Always ask politely, “Are you wearing a costume at all?”
I’m a great multi-tasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at once.
13 Episode 11
"Jail House Talk"
Y O R T
Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee dalar email@example.com
Previously: Malcolm D. Monster promises ad man Lester Krasse two million dollars to deliver a marauding T. Rex to promote his new Salinas Monster Mart store. Army cannon fire is ineffective and the creature escapes with a teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Salinas until Air Force jets subdue it with missiles tipped with tranquilizer darts. Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart, and local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s Sue Foxx. Mr. Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur commercial, insisting on the real deal. Meanwhile, the dinosaur and teenager Neil Scallopini are incarcerated at the county jail. Undaunted, Krasse convinces Sheriff Naylor to release the creature to him on a “work furlough” for Monster Mart’s commercial starring GODZELDA...
Sheriff “Bud” Naylor sat at his desk flanked by deputies Roland and Aguilar. “Mr. Scallopini,” he began, “we have to hold you here. See, many claim you’re the one responsible for that awful creature’s attack.” He leaned forward and looked hard at the prisoner. “You any idea how much damage that beast did to downtown Salinas?” “A lot I guess,” Neil answered lamely. “Millions of dollars worth, Scallopini!” thundered the sheriff. “Those downtown merchants are furious! Why, we’ve got kids that are scared to death— with hundreds of upset parents! And they all want justice. And for somebody to pay damages! So, since you may be the one liable, my orders are to hold you without bail until a court rules on this. Get the picture?” The sheriff rolled his eyes with incredulity. “Jeez! How did you ever get mixed up with that monster anyway?” “Yeah,” said Aguilar. “What’s the story?” “You can tell us,” added the sheriff. “And if there’s anything I can do to speed your release, I’ll do it. Believe me, I’ve got plenty of reasons for wanting you outta here.” “Well, that’s good news,” Neil replied. “Now tell us what happened.” “I go to school at Hartnell College,” Neil began. “To help Dad with the tuition, I work at the Icily Nicely plant over on Abbott Street.” “We know that already,” said the sheriff. “Go on.” “I was on the refrigeration crew. Remember that heat-wave awhile back?” “Temperature hit a hundred-fifteen degrees. Think it was some kind of record for the valley.” “Right. Well, their ice-making equipment’s pretty #11-25
COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
old. I think it’s original machinery old C.W. Nicely had installed years ago when they built the place. “Well, when that heat-wave hit, one of those old units conked out, and another goes blooey---so the E.P.A. shuts down Icily Nicely. I guess C.W., Jr., who inherited the business, never modernized the plant. Anyway, he was in the hospital then and couldn’t really deal with the whole mess. “It all sort of fell on the shoulders of his daughter, Felicia. She’s the one who really runs the business these days. “Felicia said they might have to shut the whole place down and let everybody go. But then she came up with a plan to keep on making ice. Sounded nutty to me though. “Her idea was to tow icebergs down here and grind ‘em up at the plant. I thought she was kidding, but it turned out she was dead serious. They were going to market Icily Nicely ice all over the country as the only hundred percent natural party ice made from real icebergs. She even hired some advertising guy to promote this! And she wanted me to help bring back their first iceberg from the Arctic Circle.” Deputies Aguilar and Roland glanced at one another with disbelief. Sheriff Naylor raised his eyebrows. “Then what?” “Well, I hired this Captain Horatio Algae and his tugboat out of Moss Landing, and we go off on our iceberg-hunting expedition. We find one okay, except it melts on the way back. Then just a few miles off Monterey, this dinosaur broke out of the ice and sank our ship! It’s been chasing me ever since!” “Where’s Captain Algae now?” “The monster knocked him overboard.”
“Anyone else with you?” “Nope. Felicia was so broke, she couldn’t afford a whole crew.” Naylor frowned. “Can your parents corroborate any of this?” “My folks are separated,” Neil explained. “I live with my Dad, but he’s away on business just now. Call Felicia at Icily Nicely. She’ll tell you....” “I hope so. Your story’s pretty fantastic.” Sheriff Naylor reached for the telephone, called Information, requested the number for Icily Nicely, dialed it and after a few moments hung up. “Disconnected with no referral,” he said, staring straight at Neil. “Looks like you’ll be with us a while longer.” “But that dinosaur’s out--” “Out at that new shopping mall, I know,” said the sheriff. “Well, an ‘arrangement’ has been made for your dinosaur. A special sort of alternative work furlough program, actually. A Mr. Krasse put it together.” “Krasse?? Not Lester Krasse?” “That’s him. Hey, how’d you know?” “He’s the guy who sold Felicia on that dumb iceberg scheme! And you let him put that dinosaur on display at Monster Mart? You’re as nutty as he is!” “Funny, Krasse doesn’t remember you,” the sheriff commented dryly. He motioned to the deputies. “Take him back to his cell.” “This is crazy! I didn’t do anything! LET ME OUTTA HERE!” Next issue:
Episode 12 Croaker Cola and the Roadkillers All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net
Bruce and Michael are avid fishermen. While salmon fishing out on the Monterey Bay, Bruce announces, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in eighteen months.” While reeling in his line, Michael responded, “Think it over a bit more. Women like that are hard to find.”
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports because they’ve already forgotten what happened.
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. “We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well and I just act like I’m listening.” A woman was looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s absolutely perfect.”
Hilary overhears her five-year-old daughter, playing ‘wedding’ with her dolls in her room. As the little girl marches the bride down the aisle, the marriage vows went something like this: “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you. You have the right to have an attorney present. You may now kiss the bride.”
‘Today is my wife’s birthday,” announces Sam to his friend, Bert. “What are you getting for her?” enquires Bert. “Make me an offer!”
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. “Just imagine,” he pronounced, “If your husband was to die tomorrow, what would you get?” “A Yorkshire Terrier,” she responded brightly. “They’re so well-behaved.”
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The Busking Up From the Gutter
By Michael Houston
The Climes They Are A’Changin’ “Everyone talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” – Nina Simone “WE DO!” – us. Generally, we monteregioanos, don’t set fire to the Amazon. Our work, like our carbon releases, is more personal and closer to home. We leave the forest burning to PG&E, the higher power, and populist demogues. As water lovers, our people are better known for Purse Seiners, glass-bottom boats, kayaks, and whale watchers than supertankers burning something like asphalt that produces the same amount of pollution as 50 million cars. – Sometimes it’s good not to beat L.A. We Montereynians try to practice carbon capture rather than release. Yet there are flatulent instants in all our lives when Chinese medical wind charts accurately portray trapped gases escaping into the atmosphere from our gall bladders and cerebellums. Like POTUS, himself, we too are capable of becoming lying diabolical personal air pollution deniers. Case study #1- Imagine that your personal aura’s air quality stinks. What’s a hipster sophisticate to do? Act oblivious to noxious odors? Cast a devious glance toward an innocent emotional support animal? Just move up wind? We personal-air-pollutiondeniers hide our faux pas with flights into alternate reality
and bad manners. We, gaseous spirits, like the butterflies who cause hurricanes, exude vapors into our microcosm and cosmos. We are old souls as well as old farts. We are at one with our fellow mammals, volcanoes, super freighters, cars, ships and boats and planes. We are planet destroyers. What to do? Forgettaboutit? The Call of Freedom It’s up to us breeders and future grandparents to work with Earth/ Eden’s temperature, precipitation, sunshine, average wind speeds and directions, humidity, cloud cover, days above freezing, weather extremes, atmospheric pressure and local geography for our posterity. Brothers and sisters, heed the call! Break wind and turn away from carbon extraction and environmental destruction! The Answer is Still Blowing in the Wind Catch the Wind! Slice and dice avians. Fill valleys with solar panels. O Lord won’t you buy us non-murderous, long-range, cheap, self-driving electo-cars? Our off-springs’ offspring need not be conceived in rumble seats! Human destiny need not be a trend mill to Soylent Feedlot World! When will Big Oil capture our gas and turn our flatulence issues into universal health, wealth, and happiness? There’s More Than Music In The Air Together we can limit our personal emissions and improve air quality in our immediate vicinity! Think avoidance, capture, containment and harnessing. Start
brainstorming kids! Beauty like Nirvana, is within you. Keep it there! Do your part! Sign on to the Foolish Times Invisible Air Pollution Initiative. End the curse that none but fourth graders dare name. Enter Foolish Times Save the Planet with Fart Jokes Competition! Rules: Make (D) up your own rules if you want to (C9) any old rules you like will do. (G9) – Guitar and ukulele chords courtesy of Traffic Knock, knock? How many stinking people does it take to befoul the atmosphere? • It takes a world, peninsula,
valley, carb and carne eaters, surviving tobacco addicts, vaporers, and petula oil users. • PG BY GOD AND MONTEREY BY SMELL! • Picaresque immigrant coastal abalone-drying entrepreneurs who were burned out of their villages last century to make way for upscale bayside gated communities. Email all FTSPWFJC entries to firstname.lastname@example.org Two random winners receive a $25.00 gift certificate to the Crown & Anchor. Third place entries can enter at Garland Thompson’s Rubber Duck Poetry Slam Wednesdays at East Village.
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The Billionaires Of The World Record a Remake Of Michael Jackson’s ‘We Are The World’. By Roger Freed Mark Zuckerberg had a brainstorm one evening. A fervent brainstorm. One so strong that he called all the other top billionaires in the world to let them know about it. Most of them told him what he could do with himself in an astonishing array of accents and dialects and quite colorfully to boot. When he came to his sense the next morning the inspiration was still strong with him. He felt more inspired than at any time in his life (excepting, of course, when he got the news that he was among the top five richest people in the world- nothing, not even meeting God- would top that.) It all came from listening to Michael Jackson. To THAT specific song by the great gloved one. Michael had created a phenomena when he assembled some of the greatest artists in the world in one sound chamber to record the historic song ‘We Are The World’ back in 1985 (at time when Michael was still black). Zuckerberg had to outdo it. Calling them back in the
daytime, Mark succeeded in convincing a good number of them to join him in his quest. On an quiet Sunday this winter in Menlo Park, California, after a bevy of private jet flew into the local airport there, some of the biggest names in big business took their places under specifically arranged microphones to take part in what would become known as ‘We Are The World- the Sequel’ and, on queue, started in: “There comes a time when we heed a certain call and must buy up everything in the world there are things we don’t have and places we don’t own that we want to have under our thumb.” The three richest individuals in the world got the choice spot at the head microphone- Bill Gates, Mark and Jeff Bezos. Gates managed to finagle a spot there as well for his wife, Linda whom Mark wasn’t all that pleased with, but she did balance out
the overly male voices nicely. There was some bickering about the status of the position of the other attendees, but in the end all realized that it was all for a higher cause and went along with it. There wasn’t anything that future litigation couldn’t set right. “We can’t go on Letting good deals go by we own half the world, we want the other half too its all a part of making the earth our way and the truth is, we really deserve it all!” Charles and David Koch provided the bass to round out the bottom of the acoustics, while the Walton clan; Alice, Rob and Jim, wounded out the harmonies. “We own the world We own your children We the privileged ones so let’s start takin.”
TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
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INFINITY AND PRIMARY NUMBERS
By Robyn Justo
A long time ago, I dated a neighbor. I know, don’t “bla-bla” where you eat. You are thinking that this is never a good idea, but he was a former Albanian soccer star, younger, and cute as heck. He was also the CFO of a large hotel and a brilliant mathematician. I loved his intelligence, but he was an atheist. I clearly am not that. Not that I try to convince anyone of the existence of something beyond us, but one night we got into a conversation about the existence of a Higher Power or Intelligence, the Beingness with no “other”, or God, the name we humans give to the nameless. I asked him to give me five
minutes and then I asked if he believed in infinity. This was a rhetorical question because obviously, being a mathematician, infinity is a given. Sure he did. “Can you define infinity?” I asked him. He really could not. It exists, but it is not a number. It’s an abstract concept. Infinity is something without bounds, endlessness, undefinable, and also something that the human mind cannot conceive of so it tends to short circuit and retreat into its own comfortable self-imposed boundaries of what it can understand. I asked him, “What if infinity IS God?” He just looked at me. He had no answer, but I could see the door crack a bit and let a little There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Answers on page 26
light in (literally.) Our conversation that night lasted less than five minutes, our romantic relationship lasted a few months, but our friendship went on for years. I bring this up for a reason. Something happens when a human cannot wrap their mind around something. It compartmentalizes it.
Isn’t it interesting when even people who are supposedly on the same side separate themselves? Sometimes when another human has a different belief or concept, that human is compartmentalized too, or ignored, mocked, attacked, or bullied (often by a president who seems to think that the US stands for “US” versus “Them”, but I digress.) Humans tend to focus on the differences, on the negative, on the polarity. It makes for good drama and better TV. I have to laugh when listening to comments about the Democratic primaries. Isn’t it interesting when even people who are supposedly on the same side separate themselves? They point fingers, raise their voices, condemn and criticize and then when that’s all over, they end up making nice, supporting the one they verbally castrated, and perhaps even running against the “other?” Does anyone else see the insanity of this? Wouldn’t it
19 be cool if they were ALL only allowed to point out their similarities and positive changes that might be made? Oh what a silent primary that would be if it went from degrading to upgrading. As I was sipping a Frappuccino at a Starbucks in Carefree, Arizona the other day, a woman who clearly wanted to chat, came right up and asked me where I was from and if I was a Republican. Nope, that isn’t my designated category. She wasn’t a poll-taker. She just wanted to make small talk about living in the desert. She seemed to really like chatting with me which oddly perplexed her and she came back to my table twice, even though I did not share her political (abstract) views. When my cute, atheistic, soccer star neighbor boyfriend moved to another complex down the road, I helped him carry and load up his boxes. He told me that it was the happiest he had ever seen me. It wasn’t because I was glad to see him go, but because with just a little allowable distance and difference between us, we became even closer. Primary numbers. Republican, Democrat. Prime numbers. Infinity. All the same to me.
Life is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.
Monocles: Faux Trend?
MONTERE Y PENINSULA COLLEGE
FRANKENSTEIN October 10 - 27
By Jay Russell Do not attempt to resist the recrudescence of the monocle! Yes, monocles, those one eyed glasses that you kind of grasp with your cheek bones and eye sockets or daintily hold up. They’re back baby; move over fidget spinner, goodbye instantgram, the monocles hot and here to stay. You see them everywhere, by golly! In preschools intelligent toddlers read the WSJ with ease now.
The new eye wear appears to be the sexiest thing to hit the adult entertainment market since brasseries Who knew babies couldn’t see with their left eyes? The monocle market reaches further than the infantile too. Exotic dances of all genders now rely on that extra monocle vision to nail the landings of their jumps, and twirls. The new eye wear appears to be the sexiest thing to hit the adult entertainment market since brasseries. Patrons seem to swoon over the dancers with monocles, especially compared to bifocal wearers, which just lost all appeal. Using one eye only to read looks graceful, everyone agrees. Two small markets you may think, big whoops right? Well hang on there; you really don’t want to miss this phenomenon. Jet pilots, baseball stars, garbage men, surfers and dog walkers all swear their monocles increase productivity exponentially.
The rave scene’s full adaptation of the eye wear stunned the world round. One seems to be “squintzed” into every DJ’s eye. Some even wear two or attempt to don two per eye. Disc Jockeys everywhere wonder how they could have possibly pushed those buttons in the days before. Of course Hollywood needed to jump onto the craze. Since only a small minority of celebrity types actually read, the fakonocle (fake monocle) leapt into invention. Some just wear a non-prescription eye piece to avoid being shamed as “unhip” or “not with it.” Many festoon their monocles or monocle chains with feathers and shark claws. They have even infiltrated the ranks of competitive fighting as well. Turns out they are convenient for mixed martial arts as it takes a mere millimoment to “un-squintz” one outta the eye before a blow hits the face. Tech’s adaptation to the monocle frenzy surprised few. Now you can get your monocle with eye movement sensitive Alexa and sace the BAR exam without any effort. Foolish readers do keep an eye out for the next possible monocle evolution. Maybe you can pioneer the next one eye startup and cash in on the fury before full inundation sets in. TheRaverTip.com
By Mary Shelley • Adapted by Nick Dear Directed by Teddy Eck
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By Debbie Harris
THE FRUGAL GENE
I admit it. I’m frugal. I must carry the frugal gene. My last name, Harris, is a Scottish name, and the Scots are known for their frugality, sometimes known as cheapness. The stereotypical joke about Scots is that they wear kilts, but are too cheap to buy underwear to have on underneath. That does sound cheap, but I prefer the term frugal. It sounds more like a talent rather than a character flaw. And it is a talent. Being frugal was definitely taught to me as a child and has carried forward. Mom and dad were both affected by the Depression and WWII, when doing without and making it last
were the order of the day. And they had the gene. In my family, being frugal is a celebrated virtue, in much contrast to the consumeristic society that has come about since. Ben Franklin’s saying “A penny saved is a penny earned” is our motto. When we were kids and my brother wore through the knees of his jeans (before torn jeans were popular and sold that way), mom would buy jean-like adhesive patches, and iron them to the pants to cover the hole. This looked a bit tacky, but it worked ok for school and play clothes, except that the patches were so stiff that when wearing patched jeans, my brother could barely
MAKE ME JALEPEÑO POPPER CORNBREAD INGREDIENTS
• 5 slices thick-cut bacon • 1 1/2 cps yellow cornmeal • 1 1/2 cps milk • 3/4 cps shredded Cheddar • 3/4 cps flour • 2 eggs • 2 tsp. baking powder • 1/2 tsp. baking soda
• 1 tsp. kosher salt • 2 1/2 tbsp. maple syrup • 1 large jalapeño, minced • 1 green onion, sliced • Cooking oil
bend his knees. Some families (the Trumps?) may try to one-up each other with luxury purchases—who bought a yacht, remodel their house in with the most expensive décor and who has the most “loaded” vehicle. Not my family. We’re all about bargains. Who paid the least for the most. We try to “one-down” each other. It’s in our genes.
If homeloand security is ever listening in on one of our conversations, they should take notes on the frugal gene in action. My brother and I have been known to have conversations centered on what we got at the 99 Cent Store and how we used it, cooked it, or otherwise saved time and/or money because of that bargain. Don’t get me wrong; we like nice things, and we go for value, but we like to stretch a dollar and have found it very useful to be able to do so. The department could reduce expenses by at least 20%.
1. Cook bacon until crisp. Drain fat to a small bowl. 2. Wipe skillet clean. Add small amount of cooking oil to coat. 3. Add bacon back in a single layer. 4. Whisk together cornmeal, flour, baking powder, baking soda & salt. 5. Whisk together milk, eggs, maple syrup & one tablespoon bacon fat. 6. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients. Stir. 7. Add jalapeño, cheddar & green onion. Stir. 8. Transfer batter to skillet with bacon. 9. Bake 25 minutes at 400 degrees.
21 Signs that say “Clearance,” “Sale,” or “Red Tag” draw me like a magnet. When I get a 30% off coupon from Kohl’s in the mail, I dance a little jig. When I got a new electric blanket for my bed that was drastically reduced with an additional 15% off and earned me $15 Kohl’s cash, I almost fainted from bargain joy. CVS sends me home with long receipts of coupons at each purchase and I pour over them, checking for what I can use. When I shop for my mother, I take note of the items that were on sale and let her know she got a bargain. She loves that. I think it stimulates endorphins in my family. It satisfies the frugal gene. But for the frugal person, shopping is work. You have to pour over ads, collect coupons, calculate percent off and/or shipping and handling, decide which payment method will get you the best points (or charge you the least interest). For the frugal person, shopping is like doing a search-a-word puzzle with all the words in Pig Latin. But it’s all worth it when you get a low price on something you’ve been looking for or need. You experience bargain-buzz. So as we go into the more costly time of year, I’ll be getting out my calculator, my coupons, my rewards cards, and my high points credit card. I may even wear patched jeans and stop by the 99 Cent Store for some underpants to wear under my kilt. I’ve got the frugal gene.
It’s a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice.”
By Ted Gargiulo
I SEE DEAD MOVIES
It’s October already. Wish the summer fun didn’t have to end so soon? Well, it doesn’t. If you love movies (and who doesn’t?), there’s still time to catch a few stragglers that slipped by under moviegoers’ radar while the summer blockbusters were hogging the spotlight. Now that the seasonal hoopla has started to cool, these runts of Hollywood’s litter are finally receiving the attention, if not the critical acclaim, they missed earlier. Take a peek: Looking for a large-scale pantswetter that’s teaming with special effects and enough carnage to make you cringe? Leave it to the Japanese to come up with yet another hellacious predator (or predators) to ravage Tokyo. In this, their most terrifying epic to date, a radioactive meteor crashes into the ocean and contaminates the nation’s supply of seafood, giving rise to…“The Attack Of The Giant Crab Cakes!” Don’t see it alone! No summer film fest would be complete without one nightmarish, gross-a-thon to disturb your sleep. The latest offering by Albrecht Fishnog (“Spaghetti Man”; “Cat Turds
I’m so lovable. The doctors gave me a special jacket so I can hug myself.
Español”) more than fills the bill. Behold: A wad of tobacco, a mud jug, an ancient curse, and a freakish experiment that goes awry (as freakish experiments invariably do), turn an unassuming chemistry professor into…“The Teacher from the Black Spittoon!” Panned by the Compost Consortium in Rancid, Missouri, “Spittoon” was rated “THE wickedest, scariest, most exquisitely deranged hill of swill ever produced. If this ick-flick doesn’t send you to the therapist,” the Consortium concluded, “there’s something seriously the matter with you.”
Bring plenty of tissues… and a wastebasket to slip over your head so friends won’t recognize you leaving the theater. Next, Hollywood’s two favorite female super-rivals square off onscreen for the first time in “Hell Hath No Fury,” Caspar T. Shkadinsky’s futuristic action/ revenge travesty. Witness “the mother of all mayhem” as the 50-Foot Woman challenges the Bionic Nymph to an apocalyptic brawl you won’t want to miss! It stars Nancy DeCongo and Tweedy van Twinkle. Rated E for “Idiotic.” Attention Trek fans, here’s a “lost episode” I bet you haven’t seen: When a 24th Century hacker uploads an ancient copy of MS Windows into Starfleet’s main computer system, the network crashes and plunges the Enterprise, and the galaxy, into
chaos…in “Illegal Action, Gates Of Doom.” Clever, huh! “Crayons And Milk”, another coming-of-age tearjerker, tells of another failed marriage, seen through the eyes of another dejected child. This contrived mush hails from the Canned Film Festival, where it overstayed its welcome last year. Bring plenty of tissues…and a wastebasket to slip over your head so friends won’t recognize you leaving the theater. Heading the list of flaky comedies is “Koo-Koo Loves Lulu.” The cast of untalented wannabes features an obnoxious brat who has all the best lines, steals every scene, and will likely receive an Oscar nomination,
even though he’s never acted before. Equally forgettable are “No Ladies in Hades,” “Bigfoot and Littlepaw Do Vegas,” “America’s Got Chutzpah,” “Dancing With the Scars,” and “Return of the Blahs.” Lastly, get ready for the extreme rock concert spectacular that’ll blow you away, literally! Recorded live in atomically enhanced Turbophonic Rebound Sound, it’s Betty Bang and The Boom-Boom Machine! The experience has been likened to a quake, a trash compactor, and a dentist’s drill on steroids, making this musical cataclysm THE ultimate late season film finale. Just one viewing, and I promise you’ll never see, or hear, another bad movie.
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By Charles Birimisa
Nearly one hundred years ago Frenchman Marcel Proust wrote a 3500 page novel “In Search of Lost Time.” The bedrock of the work was involuntary memory as triggered by the senses - smell, sound, taste, visual, touch etc. For Mr. Proust, he dipped a cookie into tea and a flood of memories oozed from his mind to pen to paper.
By the time the interaction was over, I realized the same interaction had taken place numerous times in high school. As I’ve been getting on in the years department these involuntary instances have been happening more and more. A whiff of eucalyptus (in a parking lot) in the morning reminds me of the lower Cal State Long Beach campus. The aroma of certain dried weeds near concrete brings back walking near Dubrovnik. Involuntary auditory memory happens rarely when a forgotten song is heard for the first time in decades, with “Chain Lightning,” by 38 Special, and “Can’t Find Love,” by Jefferson Starship,” being sterling examples. Over a decade ago, a close childhood friend invited me to the Crosby (AT&T) golf tournament. As we walked on the links we ran into an old high school acquaintance. My friend spoke to him animatedly as I stood by. By the time the interaction was over I realized the same interaction had taken place numerous times in
high school, in the same manner as it had now, with me never being part of the conversation and just standing by - feeling as if I was not even there. For a few seconds it felt like being in high school again. A few years ago I exchanged messages with a college roommate who I discovered was residing in Monterey. We met at the Del Monte Center for dinner. Our conversation was easy this time, for at CSULB we had engaged in many late night political and theological debates that prompted other dorm residents yelling at us to “Shut up!! Ed talked about the Air Force and his family. At some point we noticed the movie theater across the way, and Ed asked if I wanted to see a movie. We proceeded from the restaurant across the parking lot to the theater and bought tickets at the booth. For those few moments, when Ed and I walked across the lot to the booth, getting tickets, and going inside I felt I was in Long Beach going to see a movie with Ed, something we had done many times; like being in a time machine. A few years ago I was sitting in a cafe not far from work when I noticed Mike tapping at the window. I have known Mike since first grade. He came in and we had coffee. At some point I got up to walk the few blocks to work. Mike was also going to the same place, having to make an appearance in one of the nearby courtrooms. It was overcast and Mike and I walked to our jobs that day. We joked around and
then it dawned on me. Freshmen and sophomore years in high school, a few times a week, Mike would come over, and we would watch TV before walking to school. And then I said and am not sure (with traffic going by) if Mike heard, “Here we are again walking to Watsonville High.” The key to these experiences is that none of them were planned. They all happened involuntarily. The feeling was a fleeting one, over really before it sank in. But it was there. For a smattering, less than a second, a millisecond, the feeling of being back in time.
You know your’re old when you watch a horror movie with partying college kids and you identify most with the killer.
Happy Halloween! Answers on pg 26
Tombstone Witch Undead Costume Gruesome Skeleton Masked Haunted Mummy Superstitious Gruesome Evil Moonlit Wicked Creepy Hallow Eerie Spider Monster Ghost
LAU GH ED ALL NIGHT
By Jann Gargiulo When you think of October, what do you think of? Maybe it’s the beautiful colors, cool crisp air or wonderful smells you haven’t sniffed in a year. Or perhaps it’s that mug of hot apple cider in your hands right now. All of those are wonderful things to think of and enjoy as an adult. I’m still too much of a kid and I think fondly of Halloween. Not like the ones of 2019, but more like 1956 thru 1963. Now if you don’t fit in that era don’t stop. Keep reading you might like it. Come on … give it a try. Read on. I’m from a large family; Mom, Dad, Ray, Doris, Louise, Joan, Larry, Chuck, Charlotte, Elsie, Donald, Ruth, Buddy and me. We lived on a truck farm outside of the Washington D.C. area. Back in the fifties, there were lots of trees and many farms. We didn’t actually own ours. With so many kids, my dad wanted to buy land but never had enough money. He rented the farm for $25 a month. He also had a job in D.C. I loved living on that farm. I prayed that we would never have to move. I wanted to live there forever. So glad I grew out of that thinking! All of our Halloweens there were great. We knew everyone
within a 5 mile radius of our farm house. We all went trickor-treating together and always had so much fun! We didn’t have fancy bags or buckets or such; mom just took old pillowcases and wrote our names on each one, and that’s what we used. I still remember the first year Buddy got to go out and mom gave him the ‘bag’. He was so excited no one could calm him down. Finally my older brother, Chuck talked to Buddy than started laughing. Buddy thought since he had such a big bag, someone would fill it. We were all laughing all that night! Every so often one of us would yell out, “Hey Buddy. Is it full yet?” We Laughed all night.
They had a German background so you can understand why my mom could fix anything. So can I. This trait came from her and my dad. Those costumes were so nice, much nicer than the store bought ones the kids wore to school. My dad was real strict about a lot of things. But he was especially strict about anyone playing any tricks on others. It was absolutely forbidden and everybody knew it. What I mean everybody who knew daddy. I don’t know what he would have done, but I sure as heck didn’t want to find out. None of us did. That’s why what happened next was so unthinkable. We were all ready to go and
dad said we had to eat dinner first. Mom had it ready and we needed the energy for all the walking we had to do. It had already turned dark. We had no lights, no street lights. Our porch light was off because we weren’t ready yet. So, it was darker than you can imagine unless you’ve lived like that somewhere far away from the city. We were eating supper when dad thought he heard something We all stopped. Suddenly mom screamed like I have never heard. We all looked up, and there in the window was my granddad with messed up hair and a flashlight under his chin! He was laughing. But my dad wasn’t. He did not like my mother being scared. Before we all left to go ‘begging’, the last thing we all saw was daddy chasing grandpa. Never heard what happened after that.... bet grandpa wasn’t laughing!
Buddy thought since he had such a big bag, someone would fill it. As for costumes; mom made most of them. She couldn’t use a sewing machine, never learned, but she could make anything by hand! She was from the Mount Airy, Maryland area. Her family came down from Pennsylvania.
I love mythical creatures like vampires, werewolves, unicorns and kids who behave.
Three vampires went into the Crown & Anchor. The server came over to take their orders. “And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?” The first vampire said, “I’ll have a mug of blood.” The second vampire said, “I’ll also have a mug of blood.” The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, “I’ll have a glass of plasma.” The server wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, “Two bloods and a blood light”. Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
1) What is a group of witches called? 2) Is a pumpkin a fruit or a vegetable? 3) What’s your favorite season? 4) Name a celebrity you think is lame. Bob #1 1) That would be the baristas where I get my morning coffee. 2) I didn’t know pumpkins were edible. So they really are food? 3) I like what we call winter. It rains and makes everything green for a short time. 4) Ronnie Ortiz-Magro. Hard to believe that Jersey Shore was an actual show. Isn’t New Jersey a third world country? Some people don’t deserve to be famous.
Robert 1) My wife’s sisters. I know they are going to read this and will agree with me. 2) It’s a gourd. That sounds like a vegetable. 3) I like the fact that we have two seasons, spring and fall. I don’t know what I would do if it snowed. 4) Flavor Flav. Public Enemy was great. Flavor on his own, not so great. He wears that stupid clock around his neck to remind himself how important time is. It’s time he moves on and gets a real job. Roberta 1) A group of witches is called a coven. It’s a great Scrabble word. 2) A pumpkin is a fruit because it contains seeds. 3) I like all the seasons. I may not know what day it is at times, but I know my seasons. 4) Mel Gibson. If the devil and Colonel Sanders had a baby, it would look like Mel Gibson. Bob #2 1) I’m not sure but I don’t want to find out. That could be scary. 2) I think it’s a vegetable. I found out pumpkin pie spice doesn’t contain any pumpkin. That’s weird. 3) All the days seem the same here. I don’t like the rain. I get wet walking to and from the bus. 4) Yoko Ono. The bitch broke up the Beatles.
26 calls up one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job; I’m already working on a murder case!”
I went on a date with a blonde woman last week. “Do you have any kids?” she asked. “Yes,” I replied. “I have one child that’s just under two.” She said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”
Did you hear about the new blonde paint? It’s not real bright.
Why did God create brunettes? Because the blondes were failing at it miserably.
A blonde heard that accidents happen close to home so she moved.
Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? For throwing out the W’s.
While doing laundry, I asked my blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, “What for? Are you going to set it on fire?”
What’s the difference between a blonde and a computer? You only have to punch information into a computer once.
One day, a blonde and her friend were walking through Laguna Grande Park. Suddenly, the blonde’s friend said, “Oh, look, a dead seagull!” The blonde looked up and said, “Where?”
What are a blonde’s first words after graduating college? “Would you like fries with that?”
Why did the Blonde pee in aisle three at Grove Market? The sign said “Wet Floor.”
Why did God create blondes? So there’d be someone to fetch beer.
How can you steal the window seat on a non-stop flight from Monterey to Denver from a blonde? Tell her the seats going to Denver are all in the middle row.
There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in Salinas there is a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish. If you lie – poof, it swallows you up. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar. They head straight for the mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up. The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Poof – the mirror swallows her up. Last, the blonde goes up to the mirror says” I think...” Poof!
A blonde was walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passed a person who asked, “Where did you get that?” The pig replied, “I won her at the fair.”
A blonde walks into the Sand City Police Department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions: Officer: What’s two plus two? Blonde: four Officer: What’s the square root of one hundred? Blonde: Ten Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and
A CHOMP delivery guy was delivering a new plastic skeleton to a doctor’s office. As he was leaving, he noticed that a patient in the waiting area was staring at him. He smiled and said, “I brought him in for Doctor King.” An old lady said sympathetically, “My dear! Isn’t he a bit late for the doctor?”
By Nancy Pyzel
When we first moved to Monterey from Silicon Valley we were surprised and enchanted by deer roaming the neighborhoods. Yeah, Los Gatos had deer, but mostly in the hills, and not in such abundance and in such close proximity to humans. We acted like total tourists and said things like, “Oh look at that adorable family of deer right in your front yard!” and, “They are sooo cuuute!” Our friends replied smugly that deer were like pigeons and they never even noticed them anymore, which was code for “stop embarrassing us and start acting more like you belong here.” We quickly learned to only look at deer briefly out of the corner of our eye if any locals were present. We live a few houses from a heavily forested area of the Presidio. One dark night, a neighbor clued us in on the deer story. In a foreboding voice, he told us that the deer in our neighborhood were not like those “Disney deer” in Pacific Grove. He described bucks with enormous antlers, covered with the scars from numerous battles. He said they were called “Scarbucks.”
These deer spend their days grazing in the Presidio, then at sunset, they leap over the 10 foot, concertina wire topped fence to terrorize New Monterey. Like deer Mafiosi, they rule the neighborhood at night, using extortion and violence to intimidate. These are fierce, ruthless, brutal beasts whose main goal in life is to kill your dog and destroy your yard. Our neighbor’s dog, a lithe German shepherd, had been severely gored defending his owner’s front porch. “Never let your dog outside after 10:00 PM.” our neighbor told us. “You have to be armed,” he said. He lowered his voice; “I sharpened the ends of some old curtain rods. It scares them off.” I tried planting tomatoes that first year in the only sunny spot, which was in our front yard. I found out the hard way that tomato plants are one of deer’s favorite treats. I tenderly tucked four healthy plants into the raised bed one sunny afternoon. By the next morning, they were stubs clipped neatly level with the ground. My sister gave me three foot high fencing. I replanted the tomatoes, surrounded them
They say that you should dance like nobody is watching. People were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her.
27 with the fencing, and covered it with bird netting. The next day the fencing was gone and the tomatoes were stubs. That evening a buck with a magnificent rack of antlers paraded proudly down our hill from the presidio. His three prongs were topped with a crown of fencing, and a veil of bird netting trailed behind him like a regal robe. He stopped and turned his head condescendingly in my direction. His glare seemed to say, “Plant more tomatoes and I won’t kill your dog.” Whereas the Presidio deer project an outwardly aggressive vibe, the PG deer are more passive- aggressive.
Have you ever noticed that deer never, ever cross a street with the light? Have you ever noticed that deer never, ever cross a street with the light? They always seem to wait until the light is red in their direction before stepping into the crosswalk. Now, you may argue that deer are color blind and it could just be random, but think about it. If guide dogs can figure out that the red light is on top and the green light is on the bottom, deer probably know this as well. When you are driving to work after drinking three cups of coffee, and are just a few blocks short of that very welcome bathroom and the light is green, a family of deer will invariably cross right in front of you, bringing traffic to a stop. They are never in a hurry to cross the road. If you inch your car forward, the lead deer will stop in the middle of the street and turn his head casually toward you, as if to say, “Howdy there, neighbor. My name is Buck, and this is my wife,
Jane. Jane Doe. Yes, I’ve heard that’s a common name among humans, but it’s pretty unusual in our social circles. And these are our twins, Buck Jr. and Janie. Yup, they are pretty adorable if I do say so myself. What? You want us to move? Well, darn, we seem to have forgotten where we were going. We need to stand here for a while until we remember. Nope, we don’t need to mosey on over to that lawn across the street. We just hit the buffet at the PG golf course and we’re stuffed. Yup, we can stand in the middle of the road all day long. We’re just dumb deer and don’t understand what that horn means! Wait; is that a bug on your front bumper? Let me wipe it off with my antlers. Whoops! My bad. I accidentally took your bumper clean off. So sorry. Hey buddy, maybe you should just back up and go around the block. Why did the deer cross the road? Just to piss you off! During fawn season, roughly January through April, does are especially protective of their young. It is best to carry pinecones when you walk your dog. We’ve had a doe follow us for several blocks, charging our dog and raising her front hoof like Kungfu deer. Since I did not heed my neighbor’s warning to carry sharpened curtain rods with me on walks, I’ve learned to pick up a few of the abundant pinecones littering the ground and lob them in the direction of the overprotective Cervidae mothers. This can backfire if there are tourists watching. I now have a rap sheet at the local SPCA. Oh, deer!
Santa Cruz Comedy Festival
Language Capital of the World
Now in it’s 6th year, The Santa Cruz Comedy Festival takes a giant leap forward with multiple day events, venues, podcasts and surprise comedians. standupsantacruz.com
Fifth annual event featuring dance, mini-language lessons, international music, crafts, food and more. lcowfest.com
Shakespeare in Love
Poor Will is stuck. He’s overdue with his new play. Then he meets Viola, a smart beauty who loves his work and ignites his creative flame. But Viola has a secret… www.pacrep.org
October 4 First Friday Artwalk
Oldtown Salinas boasts the longest continuous art walk in the county. www.1stfridays.org
October 10-27 Frankenstein
October 5 Bombs on the Bay
Con Funk Shun made eleven chart-topping albums, and numerous hit singles, headlines with Monterey Sound machine. Vintage, classic and custom automobiles from the 1930-1950 round out the day. bombsonthebay.com
October 5-6 Civil War Reenactment
Lower Presidio Historic Park. Fifteen living history tented displays and artifacts will be on display for the curious. Cannon and musket firing demonstrations both days.
The only fully youth-led Ciclovía event in the country since its initial founding in Bogotá, Colombia. Alisal Street will open up to enjoy recreational running, biking, skating, dancing and playing. cicloviasalinas.org
October 9 Moldy Cheese Day
Office refrigerators are a great place to find moldy stuff. take a slice off each side. The insides should still be good. The blue stuff in Blu Cheese is mold and yummy.
Antique Postcard & Ephemera Show
More than a dozen dealers and avid collectors selling from their personal collections for the first time. Antique postcards, vintage paper, maps, books, menus, crate labels, stamps, Victorian scrap, posters, advertising and more. Hilton Garden Inn, Monterey
The Rocky Horror Show
October 5-13 Days & Nights Festival
Music and film dominate this week long event that spans from Carmel to Big Sur. philipglasscenter.org
Let’s do the Time Warp again! paperwing.com
Classic story of the struggle with the power and responsibility that come with creating life. A suspenseful drama questions where the line of morality is. mpctheatreco.com
October 11 National Bring your Teddy Bear to Work Day
Spend the day with your cuddly friend and show him where you work. A great day to give to TBWH. Pajamas optional. Check with your boss. tbwh.org
October 12 Leo Kottke
Raised in 12 different states, he absorbed a variety of musical influences as a child. Flirting with both violin and trombone, before abandoning Stravinsky for the acoustic guitar. sunsetcenter.org
October 12 Building Blocks for Financial Success
The lottery may not be your best chance at financial success. Come learn about other tradition ways to secure your future. buildingblocksseaside. everbrite.com
October 16 Bosses Day
Second show just added, Just Kidding World Tour. He is on a mission to poke fun at how to raise a millennial, the intricacies of Filipino traditions and much more. www.foxtheatersalinas.com
October 13 Wharf Birthday Party
Looking good at 174 years old. Music, cake, tours, cooking demos and a holiday atmosphere. Happy Birthday to the wharf. montereywharf.com
October 15-16 Monterey History Fest
Annual event celebrated throughout historic downtown, Cannery Row, Lower Presidio Park, Custom House Plaza, Old Fisherman’s Wharf and Colton Hall. Bringing the past to life. historicmonterey.org
Sometimes, being in charge sucks. It is an opportunity to give your boss the appreciation that he or she truly deserves, or not.
Hunt for the perfect pumpkin at the bottom of the pool and then decorate it. ci.seaside.ca.us
Jackie Bristow & Mark Punch
She combines subtle but beautiful melodies and hooks. Opened for Marc Cohn, John Oats and many others. About to release her fifth album. jackiebristow.com
October 17 WC Songwriters Competition
A gathering of likeminded people. Come see. Come hear. Come with your song or spoken word and be in the moment. Hosted by Downtown Books & Sound. westcoastsongwriters.org
October 19 Monterey Bay Triathlon
Olympic style event in and around PG. Shorter distances and kids events. www.trisignup.com
October 19 Comedy Night in Hollister
Pete Munoz brings his traveling band of comics to the famous biker bar, Johny’s bar & Grill. No Cover
October 25 Monterey Pops
A special concert and workshop with the Gonzales High School band. montereycountypops.org
Experiment with uttering articulate sounds, but does not any recognizable words. Babbling is the pre-cursor of speaking and can be heard in most tap rooms as the night goes on.
October 23 Great Conversations 2019
Seventh annual event that brings together members of our community with Institute faculty and experts for lively discussions on diverse and stimulating current topics. Institute experts host the conversations at each of the tables. middlebury.edu
October 24 Lewis Black
The king of the rant. He uses his trademark style of comedic yelling and animated fingerpointing to skewer anything and anyone that gets under his skin. goldenstatetheatre.com
October 25 Louie Prima Jr.
Bringing his dad’s musical style to new generations with a stop in Salinas. Backed up by The Anthony Lane Band and hosted by Dave Marzetti. foxtheatersalinas.com
October 26 Hero’s Open Golf Tournament Come play in support of the Central Coast Veterans Cemetery Foundation. uvc-mc.com
October 31 Halloween
All Hallows Eve is a day for costumes, carving pumpkins, parties and candy. The guy dressed like a cop may actually be a cop. Celebrate responsibly.
Answers from page 19
LIVING IN MONTEREY 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house. 2. The Monterey High School quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. You have to switch from heat to A/C the same day. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. The four seasons are: spring, still spring, fall and road construction. 6. You’ve never met any celebrities but the mayor knows your name.
Answers from page 23
Guide to Local Businesses & Services REAL ESTATE Del Monte Realty
Building relationships. Making it easy for you to buy or sell. Full service residential and commercial. 831.372.4574 delmonterelty.com RE license # BRE012277726
TAX PREPARER Nancy C. Callahan, CPA, EA
Eﬃcient, Respected and Experienced. IRS problems? Call for solutions. 831.625.4272
CA TRAVEL BOOKS
Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
Trinkle Real Estate
HOME CARE S&J Homecare
Available on short notice. We will take good care of your loved one. Expanded services include pet care, light housekeeping and errands. Excellent references. CPR certiﬁed. 831.277.8780
Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be. Aﬀordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax. 806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS
APPLIANCE REPAIR Jeﬀ’s Appliance Repair & Service
In home service and repair. Available for emergencies seven days a week. Residential and commercial. Courteous, punctual and cleans up. 831.7472036
PHONE REPAIR Fix It All
Cell Phones, tablets, PC’s & Audio Devices.Fast, Convenient,Aﬀordable. Del Monte Center 831.38.4851
WIN Dinner for Two at Crown & Anchor 831.648.1038
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
TYPEWRITER REPAIR Wallace Oﬃce Machines Second generation and last of its kind. I repair and sell all types of typewriters. Accepting commercial accounts. 831.422.3707
To Advertise on Top Notch: Email firstname.lastname@example.org or call 831.648.1038
THE Resale TRAIL SPCA BENEFIT SHOP Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org
The Best in Repurposed, Consignments, Vintage & Thrift!
WORKING MAN FURNITURE 10728 Merritt St Downtown Castroville 831.789.5901
FASHION TRADE BOUTIQUE 554 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.747.1314 fashiontrademonterey.com
October Featured Shop GOODWILL CENTRAL COAST
Your Halloween headquarters with the largest selection of costumes, wigs, props,shoes and clothing. Goodwill offers job training program for those facing barriers to employment.Your support helps to build a sustainable Central Coast.
CAROUSEL CONSIGNMENT 490 Orange Ave Sand City 831.521.3672
CHOOSE YOUR TREASURE 211 Pearl St. Downtown Monterey 831.747.1633
HABITAT RESTORE 4230 Gigling Road Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org
LAST CHANCE MERCANTILE 14201 Del Monte Blvd. Marina 831.384.5313 mrwmd.org
To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
The year gets funnier as it moves along..If your work place isn't fun, Find a new place to work.