My butt fell asleep...
I know. I can hear it snoring.
14 yea rs
Event Calendar Âť Pg. 26
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers" and "artists" who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email email@example.com or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.................................Hutch Brian Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks There are lots of thoughts swirling around in my head as we celebrate 14 years of publishing Foolish Times. I’ve only been around for the last four while the Head Fool, Mike Meile, started this thing and carried it for a decade. The rallying cry was that print media was on life support and being replaced by digital media. What we figured out is that the internet is an extension of print and opened the doors to new audiences. Yes, to new readers all over the world and another way for locals to find us. We devote these pages to humor and creativity written by people who have a sense of humor and hone their craft through words and cartooning. We are modern day jesters always willing to step up to leave ‘em laughing. We don’t do news. News is sad. We’ll leave that up to a highly saturated group to report on activities that divide and confuse readers with their different slants. The news folks are stating the obvious that someone is in trouble, the marine layer will burn off around noon and traffic slows around 5pm.
Although it’s not a new concept, but one that is causing a stir, news sources are taking a leap in our pool to be creative by offering up fake news. In their competitive world to keep your attention, at times they resort to extremes that are beyond reasonable. Recently, the editor of the Weekly sent a young reporter to the hospital to get the scoop on a celebrity who was rumored to be diagnosed with a rare disease. “Get the story at all cost! Dress as a nurse if you have to but bring back the story.” He reported back empty handed. His editor was pissed as he explained, “I was turned away by a doctor from the Herald.” Thanks to all of you who have this publication in your hand, on your phone or computer screen and for inviting us to bring humor to your lives.
Stevie P. / firstname.lastname@example.org
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
www.foolishtimes.net 27. He hates your sister. 28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. 29. He had to look up pernicious. 30. Couldn’t find a dictionary. 31. Finally found a dictionary. 32. Couldn’t spell pernicious. 33. Seethes at the memory of it all. 34. But she is laughing inside. 35. And of course you’re still lost.
Love is Grand What Happens When You Fall In Love With A chef? You get buttered up. A chauffeur? You get taken for a ride. A gambler? He cheats on you. A telephone operator? He gives you a phone-y line. A trashman? He dumps you. A clockmaker? He two-times you. A pastry cook? He desserts you. A shoe salesman? He walks all over you. An elevator operator? He lets you down. An artist? He gives you the brush. A jogger? He gives you the runaround.
His & Hers Road Trips HERS 1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window. 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer. 4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS 1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right. 3. Drives an extra five miles just in case. 4. Finally rolls down window. 5. Hocks a loogie. 6. Pulls up to a 7-Eleven. 7. Gets three hot dogs, a large Slurpee and beef jerky. 8. Asks foreigner behind counter how to get back onto the highway. 9. Gets back into car. 10. Passes gas. 11. After he closes the door. 12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-Eleven. 13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because the pimply 17-year-old 7-Eleven cashier said it was. 14. Almost hits a deer.
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15. Curses the night. 16. Curses you. 17. Curses the large Slurpee. 18. Stops by the side of the road. 19 Takes a leak. 20. Still taking a leak. 21. Almost done. 22. I think. 23. Returns to car. 24. Drives and fiddles with radio. 25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. 26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
Love is grand... Divorce is 80 grand.
Study Tip: Laminate your notes so the tears roll off
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it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 831.372.1125
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started. You will call it the best! Eat in, take-out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
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PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes. Dine in, take-out and delivery. 538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
Monterey has a bunch of streets named after famous people Match the name to reason they are famous 1) Sloat 2) Washington 3) Tyler 4) Houston 5) Van Buren 6) Pierce 7) Clay
A) Founder of Democrat Party B) “His Accidency” C) Commodore D) Founder of Whig Party E) Col. British Army F) Gov. of Tennessee G) Died of Cirrhosis-Liver Key 1)C 2)E 3)B 4)F 5)A 6)G 7)D
Documents Prescriptions Food Foolish Times …Most anything you can think of to home and business since 2009
Why Do Dogs Sniff Each Other’s Butts? Chemical substances are produced by dogs and seceded by special anal glands. When sniffing around the tail, a dog uses its extremely acute sense of smell to determine the other dog’s identity, physiology and emotions.
Bonded • Insured • Green
Offering Bike valet
If humans adopted this same method of getting to know each other, we could skip the dating ritual. This may not work well during allergy season. We can learn a lot from a dog.
Comments Welcome: email@example.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram 5,6,7,8 ~Tap tap tap tap. “Me first, Me first” ~ Your rap has tapped you right into the clink! You started out with a bang this year and recently slipped into a selforiented paradiddle. “Sharing” was introduced in your childhood years, remember? Maybe you stayed home sick that day. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull You have befriended all of your possessions, but one…your plumpy heart. Should we call the paramedics?! Jazzing it up with ruby studs & satin spats is a flash in the pan of life’s true Ragu. Be the first to respond to your own vital center and the defense will rest in your favor. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins GEMS steal the limelight. Imposing your lofty point of view can be enticing for some like murderers’ row because they are the heavyweights of the “one on one” - thing. They may hit hard back where you have to look low and away, but always watch for in your ear. Perhaps, staying with
what you are better acquainted with for now may prove to be a big hitter on it’s own. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Homebody! Look at these barren walls of this tilted countryside. The flowers wilting and spilling into a river of color that washes opaque. Give up the ghost, this property is condemned. Your snappers have turned blue holding on so tight to this 4 by 4. Let it roll down like silk stockings. Then open to the view of YES. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Governor & Governess ~ A motive in need of a 1000 votives? Declare self-defense where foul play is concerned. Governing over substantial pleasures can be dangerous where Paparazzi are concerned. They have been sited stepping past the mote and flashing photos of your underbelly. Only your nose hairs have been divulged. Bring out the circle of life almanac with the picture of Simba on the front, they’ll know who rules.
Good luck with your transition from doing nothing at home to doing nothing at school
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Zanuck, born in September created the Jazz Singer. He did not dissect the facts before creating his masterpiece or scrutinize his creativity. You are thinking two words about yourself; “Not Guilty.” Yet, you want this inmotion picture life to be black and white and cutaway the gray areas. If you embrace all chaos as a confounding wisdom, then you will Razzle Dazzle! Happy Birfday Bunny! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Flowers are the true charmers - emulate! I know it is all about parsnips and onions with you. Your cry is “I can’t do it alone!” Yet watch the Lilies brush the sky and notice their six degrees of separation from their neighbors. Take the stand but don’t be a weed. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion You are entitled, for many a good reason SCORPO, to a legacy that persists in your honor: A splendiferous regeneration, a make- over of the soul. By default a famous stinger. Play this hand and you’ll rake in the chips. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Nowadays a sob story will get FaceBook time sympathy. But you’re not buying it! Peel your ass off the amateur bench and find a real life adventure, explore distant planets, discover new ideas, catch the glimpse of a shooting star! If the FaceBook leaches try to reach your purified psyche, steer clear of any incriminating online entries
By Bini by declaring you both reached for the gun. Black-out! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Hard edged grittiness may be best left for the pigeons digestive system. This reputation of yours is igniting a nightly brawl at the local dive. So you stand head in hand? Oh stop that jive. What you need is an aspiring aspirin to be able to store your juice for A LOT of a little bit of good again. In a beer bottle if you have to, or are they all broken? Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Hopes, dreams, and wishes. Goody, gooey, drippy & blech! You are left baffled when it doesn’t happen as you expect. Teaming up now would be sensational. With a partner in crime you can paint the town! Start with the old barn, I hear it needs a new coat. I am sure your knees will be rouged by this generosity. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Isn’t it great! Isn’t it grand! Isn’t it swell that nowadays for you coming alive happens only after dark?? I know life can be a just a noisy hall. But escapism may be the floozy you need to cut off! Are the flash bulbs popping yet!? Know your Jazz, because the piano keys are hot and your watery cool ways are needed to steam up your run of luck. Start with Blow Fish Blues in F.
By Lily Brun
Goph-zillas Beware What is it with gophers? I live on three acres. I have 837,492 weeds. Green, flowering weeds. What I think are delicious looking weeds. But do the 562 gophers tunneling under my three acres eat them? No! I was mowing my weed infested upper pasture the other day, rolling along on my tractor, when I started to list to starboard. The entire right side of the tractor was lower than the left; as if I were sinking. This is California, not Florida. We don’t have sinkholes. What the heck?
I had uncovered a gopher tunnel and was slowly slipping into what looked to be a burrow. Ok, it was only a drop of about six inches, but geez. On the heels of battling these cheeky rodents, who in the dead of night invade my vegetable garden and make off with my prize zucchini, I’d had enough. That realization propelled me off my tractor and onto my computer to identify the most efficient eradication methods. My live and let live point of view was seeing red, or more exactly a tawdry brown. What I unearthed was a treasure trove of ways to get rid of gophers – some
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
a little sketchy, some brutal and some just plain silly. Here we go, in no particular order, no endorsement and no practical experience on my part. First up, the Rodenator, which claims to win the battle over burrowing pests. You shoot a mix of propane and oxygen into a tunnel and then either manually or remotely detonate it causing concussive shockwaves throughout the tunnels. It’s pretty fierce and not inexpensive. Kind of sent concussive shockwaves to my psyche.
I had uncovered a gopher tunnel and was slowly slipping into what looked to be a burrow. Next on the list, The Giant Destroyer, a rodent killing gasser – not the hot rod kind, either. It’s a sulfur gas releasing smoke bomb that gets dropped down a tunnel. A somewhat lesser shockwave to
my psyche, but still a jolt. Moving on – the Wilco Gopher Getter. Good, this sounds a little milder. You take grain coated with anise and stuff it down into the tunnel. Anise – that’s licorice, right? I like licorice. I feel good about giving them something I like. Shockwaves were dissipating. My search continued and landed on Cinch Traps. My imagination kicked in and I envisioned tiny belts tightening around a gopher’s girth preventing it from eating. Pieceof-cake – which it won’t get to eat. Of course, I was out in the south forty on this one. Cinch does not translate as easy, breezy. A Cinch Trap is a galvanized plate with spring-loaded pinchers attached that … well, I’ll leave that to your imagination. Shockwave-o-meter registering an increase. Rounding out my search was the Underground Exterminator. All you need is a car and a garden hose. Hook them together, turn on the car, shove the hose down the hole and the gophers just go to sleep – forever. I’m not sure I could sleep at this point. I’d have to spend some time eradicating the visions of gophers in various stages of demise for that to happen. Those pesky gophers can have the zucchini.
I Don’t Speak the Language By Robyn Justo It was a foggy Saturday afternoon and I was walking past a store I had never been into before for some unknown reason when I decided to go in and look for some comfy pants for a meditation retreat I would be attending soon. I crossed the threshold and said hello to the salesperson, surprised to hear nothing in response. I noticed a disdainful glance. Was it my imposter, wannabeUggs? I was dressed quite nicely otherwise, but I definitely wasn’t emitting an uppity vibe. Maybe my Maui-ness was showing. Did she assume that I couldn’t afford anything in her haven of overpriced and not-soenthusiastically offered relaxed clothing for not-so-relaxed humans? Big mistake, as Pretty Woman would say. I continued my search and found some suitable Cut-Loose pants in the sale section (yes that is the brand) and asked if I could try them to which I received an unenergetic nod. I certainly wasn’t impressed with them on this body but thought perhaps they would be better in black. I was brave enough to ask if they were available and got a terse “NO.” Cut-loose she was not, but probably should be.
The sooner I could make my exit the better and on I went to the next place which was a consignment store for the rich and famous. Here, however, at least I was greeted in a warm and friendly manner. Overhearing a conversation, I
Overhearing a conversation, I realized that I knew a bit about Bodega Bay, but absolutely nothing about Bottega bags realized that I knew a bit about Bodega Bay, but absolutely nothing about Bottega bags so I smiled sheepishly and backpedaled out of the store quietly to the sound of name brands pretentiously drifting through the air. Oh that I would be instantly transported to the hallowed aisles of Ross, browsing the deals and even getting a senior discount. I longed to be anywhere else but here, a stranger in a strange land of retail and resale. I realized that there was a reason I had intuitively avoided
Maybe we’d still be in the Garden of Eden if Eve had given Adam an Android instead of an Apple.
that first store for so long (and probably the second). They didn’t call to me because I didn’t speak (or hear) the language anymore. At first I was concerned that the clerk of the store I should have continued to avoid might read this, but she didn’t seem to have much of a sense of humor so it was a safe bet that she wouldn’t see this and then I figured that if she did, it might be a good lesson to learn to be nicer to the locals, especially if one of them writes for a paper. In the meantime I would contine to pass her establishment daily and exercise loving kindness by not ever mentioning a name and I would smile with deep appreciation that I had forgotten that language. Shopping used to be my favorite distraction. Funny how we all seem to have one (or two or three as the case may be) whether it be TV, the Internet, video games, sex, drugs, alcohol, sports, vacations, or the innumerable things and activities that seem to grant us a respite of peace, offering a momentary forgetfulness, removing us from thinking about our lives for a while. Funnier yet that we feel we have to do something to forget when in reality we actually have to do nothing at all to remember that peace. In fact, “nothing” is encouraged. I couldn’t wait to be at my meditation retreat in the safe sanctuary of silence, cut loose from all of this nonsense, reminded that all was well.
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel. Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day? A: So they can fight knights! Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up? A: Someday my prints will come! Q: Why was the broom late? A: It over swept! Q: What part of the car is the laziest? A: The wheels, because they are always tired! Q: What is blue and goes ding dong? A: An Avon lady at the North Pole! Q: We’re you long in the hospital? A: No, I was the same size I am now! Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards? A: Because he was sitting on the deck! Q: What’s the difference between a TV and a newspaper? A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
Blue-tooth A blonde went to the dentist.“I want you to paint my teeth blue.” “What!?” exclaimed the dentist. “Just do it!!” said the blonde. So the dentist painted her teeth blue. The blonde went back to her car and called her friend to talk about many things. While she was driving a policeman stopped her. “Mam, you were talking on your mobile phone while you were driving. Here is how much you must pay.” “Oh come on!! Don’t you see I have blue-tooth?!”
Ice Fishing There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish ice fishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win —they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde came running back. “A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!”
Chickens A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her. The man in the car says to her, ‘’What do you have in the bag?’’
The blonde replies: ‘’I have chickens!’’ The man thinks for a moment and says, ‘’If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?’’ The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ‘’Okay, but I’ll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you both of them!”
will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again.” So the brunette gets to the fifth step and laughs, so she could never try again. The red head got to the twentieth step and laughed, so she could never try again. Then the blonde got to the ninety-ninth step and laughed. Then the guy who was going to tell the joke said, “Why did you laugh, I didn’t tell the joke yet?” Then the blonde said, “I know, I laughed because I just got the first joke!”
Going Up? A 15 year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and poops all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on, the bathroom is just up the hill, I’ll go get some toilet paper.” After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?” The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Pyramid of 100 Steps There were three girls: a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, and they found a pyramid. They read a tablet that said, “This is the pyramid of 100 steps. If you get to the top of it, you will get what you’ve wanted all your life. But be warned, every five steps a person
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.” While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... “Go get your Mother.”
Answers on page 24
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Branches Resale Shoppe
MPVS Benefit Shop
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The Best in Repurposed, Consigned, Vintage & Thrift!
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655 Broadway Ave, Seaside 831.394.5028 www.mpvsthriftshop.org
Love and Willow Grey
4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830
115 Monterey-Salinas Hwy, Salinas 831.455.7946 www.loveandwillowgrey.com
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GEEK ON THE STREET
By Laura “LA” Sottile
Gots To Have It! WHERE is the street with the Gate? Or rather in this case, where is the GATE with the Street? BARLOW FINCHES is a new restaurant right here in my neighborhood that I’m trying to get to just minutes away. I’m starving and I can’t make it out of my GATED community! Bit of an oxymoron there. I keep going around in circles, semi circles, concentric circles. I even tried to make an annulus. The houses all look the same so I can’t grasp a landmark, not even my own home for that matter. I know I live on Winifred and this is Jester. So that street must be Queen and that one King. Winifred sounds like a Gong Farmer. Is it a cul de sac? Nope, this is Castle could actually be the entrance to an entirely different universe. I will investigate. The speed bumps are assassinating my scooter suspension. It’s a dead end anyway, called Dungeon Enclave. Living in this WALLED WORLD of WALLNESS, you can really hit a wall. Well, I know I have seen a human here from time to time. Perhaps, I could get a signal from a cricket. No pets are allowed in the GATED world. They even removed a parakeet once because its chirp wasn’t melodic when it bounced of the walls. I’m starved and stranded in my own mind! I hear something by that red rose bush. I’m going over there to see if someone can help me find my way out of here. BUMP, BUMP, OUCH! Darn those Speed Bumps! BEEP BEEP BEEP BONG BONG BONG BAP BAP BAP! OMG! An alarm! AHA! Hello! A gardener is pointing to a sign
with his blower that says TURF ALERT! He’s now pointing the blower at me and blows me away! Curiously, why would we need to be cautious about the turf, probably not BPA free. I knew he was trying to hide something! I know I live on Winifred and this is Jester. So that street must be Queen and that one King…I’m repeating myself! It’s all very dizzying. OMG! I thinkI have actually become boring! No, I can’t let THAT happen. An Apple Tree! I shall climb it. I will be able to see smoke signals from the security guards smoking on duty and find the BORDER. Instead, I see Mr. Gunthier constructing a sling shot. He’s a bit of a panic button, a paranoid humanoid. I have introduced myself 47 times and he still insists I am trying to trespass. I have told him I am an outsider because I am outside. He also shines a flashlight in my face, but my trusty Goggles deflect the light. But he’s not as unreasonable as Ms. Juliet Pokehorney, very large boned. Mr. Gunthier called her a red rhinoceros so she shot at him and the bullet ricocheted of his weathervane and hit her in the hoof. It was truly miraculous. I felt like I was on Safari. I guess you can find some fun in the “GATED”. I see the swampy golf course from here. Got its name swampy from the sprinklers always being on because of an unknown explosion that shaped it into a bundt cake. Mr. Gunthier thought someone was trying to build a tunnel underground. I’ll climb down make it passed Mr. Gunthier, find Tibby, so she can get me a swampy snack from
the Golfers Vending machine. But, first I must reach for this apple and have a bite. Just a little closer, a bit more, an inch more, got it! AHHHHHHHHH! THUMP! OH, my aching ankle, and my knee, and my rumpus! Where is my trusty Scooter? I will have to limp my way to the Golf course to find Tibby. Her position is the Starter. But in order to start her on all cylinders, you need to plug her with some whiskey. She has awesome interpersonal skills. Gosh I am starved! I smell food! I am going to walk right through these Azaleas! I SEE IT! There it is! THE GATE! The barrier, the fence, the front, the trap door, the tunnel, the hatch, the checkpoint, the barricade, THE BORDER!
www.foolishtimes.net My scooter and I need a special code key to exit. I have it right here in my wallet….Where is my wallet? OH No! I must have dropped it when I fell out of the apple tree. I can see BARLOW FINCHES from here! Hello Food! I will wave and maybe someone will see me. Nobody cares. Alright! The new code for today is, “THROW SCOOTER OVER THE GATE!” code. Here goes…. To be Continued… LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author firstname.lastname@example.org
Attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure
IPA Pickled JALAPEÑOS
It’s time for football and beer, not necessary in that order.
INGREDIENTS • 6 large jalapeno peppers • 1 cup IPA beer. (pick from a local brewery) • 1 cup apple cider vinegar
• 3 tbs sugar • 2 tbs salt • 1 tbs black peppercorns
DIRECTIONS 1. Slice peppers to desired width, add to a storage jar. 2. In a saucepan, add the beer, vinegar, sugar, salt and peppercorns. 3. Heat until sugar and salt dissolve. 4. Pour the liquid over the peppers. 5. Cover tightly and refrigerate for 24 hours.
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We Buy Gold & Diamonds!
By Rex Keyes
Happy Days are Here Again
It’s September and “Happy Days are Here Again” for some adults. Now who could these people be? Oh, it’s the parents of kids that are now back in school. They now have about seven hours of peace and contentment. They are probably doing a little dance right after they drop the kids off at school. Now they have time for tennis, swimming, golf and enjoying a Frappuccino at the local coffee house. And in what better hands can their kids be in than the local school system? Wait, how long will this last? Once they graduate from high school they will either be going to the local college or be looking for a job. Oh, oh, they could be hanging around the house until their mid-
20s and inviting their friends over. Even though one loves their kids, this is way too much. They need to get a job, earn some money and move out. Or else they could possibly get married, have a kid and still live at your house.
Now they have time for tennis, swimming, golf and enjoying a Frappuccino at the local coffee house. To get the kids prepared to move out, the parents need to encourage them to get a part time
job while going to college. That way they learn how to work with other people and easily make the transition once they finish college. There is another simpler way, that once they graduate from high school take them down to the nearest recruiter, Army, Navy, Marines or Air Force and have them sign up. They have many programs in which the education is free and they get paid while getting that education. Of course they might not go willingly, only kicking and screaming. So they need to be lured to go, sort of like baiting the line when one goes fishing. Explain to them all the exotic places they could be based like Europe, the Caribbean or the South Pacific like Bora Bora. For the girls mention that there are a lot of good looking men in the service who they could meet. For the boys mention that the places above are great places in which the locals love to party like Octoberfest and Wine Fest in
Germany. There’s a good chance that they will take the bait and sign up. Once they are gone to those locations always keep in contact with them. Once a year, mention that you miss them and that you would like to go visit them. They will most likely agree. Now you will have a free place to stay on your vacation, see your child and do a lot of sightseeing. This could be done year after year, maybe even twice a year. Wait, Wait!! There seems to be a sensation of reversal of roles. Oh yes, now the parents are staying with their child instead of the other way around, the shoe on the other foot. “Happy Days are Here Again.” Of course the chance of this happening is rare, just a dream. No problem, your child will probably leave the house when she or he is about 30 years old.
Still Cozy After All These Years
By Ted Gargiulo
My wife is a people person. Or she was, ‘til I married her and turned her into a spoiled, over-pampered homebody like myself. Time was, early on, when we still socialized semi-regularly. Nowadays, we mostly sit at home and enjoy each other’s company—a rare art we’ve more than perfected after some 38 years together. The problem with intermingling with others is that it involves venturing outside our self-styled comfort zone, and adopting social protocols with which we’ve become less and less familiar the older we get. It means overcoming the usual misgivings over what to wear, what to expect, how not to behave…wishing the ordeal were over before it’s even begun. Extreme one-on-one contentment will do that to a couple. Much as we dislike abandoning the cozy familiarity of home to meet people on the outside, we can at least close the door behind us when we leave, and nobody has to see the condition of our house— particularly the catastrophe we created getting ready for the occasion. Whereas entertaining guests on OUR turf requires a
drastic reassessment of every cluttered, unsanitary, offensive thing we’ve taken for granted for the past six months, and altering it to conform to some vague “higher” standard. It’s not until we begin reconditioning the premises that I’m reminded of how slack I’ve been in my custodial duties. Since Jann no longer has the stamina to manage the upkeep of the place singlehandedly, she
I guess I don’t realize how ugly and embarrassing our life is until I’m forced to view it through the hypothetical eyes of our hypothetical guests. counts on me to do my share. “When did you last vacuum the living room?” “Not too long ago. Just this past winter, I think.” “That was too long ago.”
“Okay, I’ll get on it.” “Remember to dust!” Gotta clear the dining table so we all have a place to eat. Gotta remove magazines and old mail from the sofa so that our guests have a place to sit. Gotta clean and sanctify the bathroom so our dear friends have a place to…well, you know. Gotta beat the rugs, sweep the floor, scour the sinks, change the hand towels, light a scented candle. Oh, and I mustn’t forget to wipe the little brown doo-doo splats off the inner rim of the bowl. Hateful assignment! I’m thinking, now that I’ve gone to all this trouble, someone (besides me) had better use this room tonight, or I’m gonna be pissed! “You ARE going to change your shirt, aren’t you?” “I just did.” “Nuh-uh! You’re not wearing THAT!” “What’s wrong with it?” “It doesn’t match your pants. Take it off!”
I guess I don’t realize how ugly and embarrassing our life is until I’m forced to view it through the hypothetical eyes of our hypothetical guests. Well, I’m done comparing myself to others, tired of feeling like a coarse, unblended element in a society whose ways I’ve given up trying to emulate. I like our home, doodoo spots and all. And I LOVE my life with Jann. If these would-be friends are offended by us, let them find a savvier, more suitable couple to visit. Sometimes I blame myself for letting my inertia and social apathy deprive Jann of the human interaction she rightly deserves. Sure, I miss friends too. But I’ve come to prefer the simple, unpeopled serenity we relish at home. And so has Jann. I guess we’re “growing old together.”
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Debt Forces U.S. To Give Away States by Roger Freed
The National Debt has reached $10 trillion. In an effort to pay off this enormous amount the Federal Government has started giving away States to our debtors overseas. The first to go was New Jersey to the Chinese who immediately sent in troops to take over the municipalities and factories and sealed the borders. All dissidents were put in prison and the secret police visited Bruce Springsteen and beat the snot out of him. George Soros was arrested and forced to act as a liaison between the “running dog” American capitalists and the “new order” Chinese entrepreneurs. The Australians demanded sea front property and were not happy to be given Alabama. Despite this they quickly put up surfing shops, replaced the hotels with backpacking hostels and started throwing wild parties on the beach. At first there was animosity between them and the Alabamians, but when they realized that they were both redneck at the roots they dropped their defenses and agreed to annoy the North and start a second Civil War for the hell of it. Liechtenstein (look it up on a map), Europe’s smallest country, got Nebraska which increased its size 50 times and made it a nuclear power. Arnold Schwarzenegger claimed California for Austria, setting off riots in the Senate. Further shock was added when 90 percent of Austria moved to California for the beaches and sunshine and promptly kicked out all the Auslanders (foreigners, or, in their eyes, anyone not white)
except Sophia Vargara because she was hot. Mexico grabbed Texas, setting off a revolt by Texans which resulted in a second storming of the Alamo which the Mexicans this time razed to the ground. George W. Bush was expelled as an illegal alien and a wall was built around the state to prevent illegals from getting in. Russia took back Alaska causing gas prices to jump to $20 a gallon and Sarah Palin to wet her pants. Sweden took over administration of Pennsylvania and immediately let all inmates of the prisons free, made all beaches nude and made the restrooms and clothing unisex. These changes drove the Amish berserk and they packed up and moved to Canada. Huge changes came when the Saudis gained Oregon. Major flareups occurred when women were required to wear burkas which ended when it was realized they were really great for keeping the rain off. Religious police attempted to forbid social contact between unmarried men and women on the streets, but this grew difficult because of the numbers of gay couples holding hands and walking in the towns. Passions flared when college football games were canceled because of mass stonings being held at the stadiums. The Saudis finally gave up their claim to Oregon because they couldn’t understand what the constant wet stuff was falling from the sky. At the end of it, with only Arkansas, Wisconsin and Utah left in the Union, they voted to rename themselves Floyd.
Sucks to be YOU! I want my Jerry Beads
September 30th, 2017
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Year of the rooster
KNOCK OFF www.foolishtimes.net
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Claire. Claire who? Claire the way, I’m coming through! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Arfur. Arfur who? Arfur got! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday to you! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya. Ya who? Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Roach. Roach who? Roach you a letter, did you get it? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Aida. Aida who? Aida sandwich for lunch today. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Iona. Iona who? Iona new car! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Scold. Scold who? Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
September 2017 Knock, knock. Who’s there? Two knee. Two knee who? Two-knee fish!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Tank. Tank who? Your welcome!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hoo. Hoo who? Are you a owl?
Knock, knock Who’s there? Alex. Alex who? Alex-plain later!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? I am. I am who? You mean you don’t know who you are?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ketchup. Ketchup who? Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Isabell. Isabell who? Is a bell working?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Annie. Annie who? Annie body home?
What’s that hotty reading?
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Police. Police who? Police hurry up, it’s chilly outside!
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows go Cows go who? Cows don’t go who, they go moo!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Etch. Etch who? Bless you!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Ben. Ben who? Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
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Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word By Debbie Harris Elton John sure had it right in his song “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word.” In recent years, the phrase “I’m sorry” has come under some scrutiny. A few years ago, I read a magazine article discussing the use of “I’m sorry” in the workplace. The writer presented the assertion, made by a male workplace sociologist (or some such title), that women apologize in the work place too much and that this makes them seem weak in positions of authority. He seemed to think that saying “I’m sorry” on the job is taking some kind of responsibility for a failure, which made women look like less successful leaders. In April of this year I attended a seminar on management skills and was also told not to say “I’m sorry” too often. The reasoning was that if you sympathize with a co-worker’s problems by saying “I’m sorry,” they will continue to beleaguer you with their woes. The advice given was to say “That’s unfortunate.” The magazine article asked professional women to respond to the claims about the use of “I’m sorry” in the workplace, and
many women disagreed with the conclusion of its showing weakness. They believed that women who use “I’m sorry” are being sympathetic and understanding with their employees, something they believe women more naturally do with others. One woman added that when she says “I’m sorry” to someone who has lost a loved one, she’s giving sympathy, not admitting to murder.
This is puzzling to me, because growing up I found the phrase “I’m sorry” very useful in getting me out of a few spankings. This is puzzling to me, because growing up I found the phrase “I’m sorry” very useful in getting me out of a few spankings. Perhaps that was a fearful, last ditch “I’m sorry,” but it did the job. Now people are getting in trouble for saying “I’m sorry?”
A few months ago, I saw a Facebook meme that said people shouldn’t say, “I’m sorry I’m late” but rather “Thank you for waiting” if they are late arriving somewhere. But what if you are sorry you’re late? Why can’t you apologize for that? Is it a sign of weakness to apologize for things you know happened that you wish hadn’t that you may have had some control over? Can you say both? I’m not saying people need to write a three page essay of regret, outlining what they did wrong and how they will do better in the future—just a simple phrase. I guess any phrase can be misused, and this is a meaningful one. Sarcasm can come in and blacken the purity of “I’m sorry.” Statements like “I’m sorry you’re too stupid to understand me,” or “I’m sorry you didn’t appreciate my attempts to help you,” come to mind. Maybe some people see an apology as being told that things aren’t going to be the way they want them to be and interpret the phrase with additional meaning, like “I’m sorry, you didn’t get the job” can mean “Another person we didn’t think was a total loser and who doesn’t look like a combination of a dweeb and a nerd has been offered and has accepted the position,” or “I’m sorry I can’t go out with you Saturday night” means “I’d rather stay home folding my laundry and finding backs for all my earrings than go out on a date with you.” Quite distasteful. It’s time for me to conclude my article. I hope you liked it, but if you didn’t, I’m sor . . .um, that’s unfortunate.
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house? This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses can’t jump. SeasideAutoDealers.com
You Are So NOT In Control
By Rosie Sorenson
No matter how much you think you’re in control of your life, you are so not. I’m not even talking about what your mitochondria or your double helix or your T-cells are up to while you sleep. You can manage them only so much by serving them broccoli, urging them to exercise, forcing them to rest. Other than that, you have no control. I hate that. So it is with our resident furballs--cats who thrive at the pinnacle of Darwin’s evolutionary tree. One could even point to our cats as proof of intelligent design, because they are clearly superior A few months ago, without thinking about it, I started serving Sweetie Pie, our gray tiger rescue kitty, breakfast in bed. That’s the sneaky power of cats–you find yourself doing things you hadn’t intended and then one day, you step back and wonder, “WTF?” As if you had no choice, when clearly, you did. Or did you? Over the nine thousand years that cats have been closely associated with humans, I believe
they engineered our evolution so we would become their slaves. Oh sure, they reward their slaves with purring and licking and rubbing up against our legs, but there’s no doubt we humans have been played. And even though we know that, it still gives us great pleasure to indulge them. That’s the most embarrassing part–we actually enjoy our servitude.
During these past two years, we’ve watched Sweetie Pie march slowly, but relentlessly toward entitlement. We brought in Sweetie Pie to live with us two years ago. Up until then, she had lived all of her 15 years in Buster Hollow, the homeless cat colony I’ve tended for 20 years. She had been injured by another cat and since we were not able to trap him, we were
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me poor and ugly.
afraid to release her even after her injuries had healed. At first, she hid under the couch. Gradually she emerged for brief excursions into the living room where she discovered the scratching post. Then, she found the dining room; then the kitchen (because that’s where the food is!); then the bedroom. It took her about a year before she jumped up on the bed for the first time and discovered the heaven that resides in the down comforter. OMG! During these past two years, we’ve watched Sweetie Pie march slowly, but relentlessly toward entitlement. Yes, entitlement! As this former ragamuffin became accustomed to three hots and a cot, and safety and love, her inner Princess flourished. I started feeding her in bed because the other two indoor cats, Sugar and Billy, would often hiss at her when she ate at her bowl in the dining room, prompting her to scurry back under the sofa. As if that’s not ridiculous enough, Sweetie Pie let it be known a few months ago that she no longer liked the Friskies, but preferred Fancy Feast. Would you mind awfully exchanging the Mariner’s Catch for the Fancy Feast Turkey? No problem. She also became addicted to Whiskas Temptations, aka, Kitty Kocaine. Up until a few weeks ago, I considered those tasty morsels to be dessert. But, no more. Initially, I resisted giving them to her with her meal, but when she refused to eat unless she got some, I started mixing them in with her wet food. I’d like to think that if
she demands to eat only Kocaine instead of her wet food, I will hold fast. But you never know. My sweetheart Steve is no better with boundaries than I am. One day last week, I passed by his office and was surprised to see him sitting on the edge of his ergonomically-correct chair. What I couldn’t see until I drew closer was the reason: A C-A-T curled up behind him–Billy, our strawberry blond rescue kitty. I gave Steve a look. “Well, see,” he said and glanced over his shoulder at Billy, “for the longest time, as soon as I would leave the chair, Billy would take it as his own, and then when I would move him so I could sit down, he’d be all pissed off. I know he likes to sit with his daddy, but even if I sat down only on the front half of the chair, he’d get all upset and leave, or worse, bite me.” “And, exactly how did we get onboard this crazy train?” I asked. “Yes, well,” he said, clearing his throat and fiddling with his pen. “But last night we came to an accommodation. We found a way we could pair and share with the chair.” He grinned. “An accommodation?” I said, stepping closer. “Looks to me like he’s engineered it in such a way that all you get is the front third while fooling you into thinking he’s done some accommodating.” “Well, yes, but he’s happy about it–just like a pig in poop.” “And you can work at your desk like that?” “Yes. I can sit on the front onethird.” “But you can’t lean against the back?” “Well, no. There’s a cat back there.” “Of course there is.” Are you listening, Mr. Darwin? Rosie Sorenson’s work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the Chicago Tribune, the San Francisco Chronicle, the San Jose Mercury, and others.
Stacy talks to comics Meet Larry “Bubbles” Brown
By Stacy Lininger
Stacy: Is your material more comedy or tragedy? Larry: I’d say tragedy, usually about the trials of failure and misfortune in my life. Stacy: What makes YOUR life more pathetic than others? Larry: I don’t think it is, I just see it, they don’t. Stacy: So is that what makes them laughing at your misery okay – they are commiserating? Larry: I think they may be laughing because I’m the victim, I hope I can make them realize we all are. We live on a planet where, to survive, every living thing has to devour another living thing – great scenario for a horror movie. Stacy: Sounds like “politicks.” So what’s the solution? Larry: No solution – best case scenario is a painless death. Stacy: Doesn’t that make you an anarchist? Death is a reoccurring theme in your material. How do you imagine it? Larry: Death, probably a relief as one gets older. Stacy: An elderly couple was found dead this morning in their home, here in Carmel Valley, from a murder/suicide. Is death our only out? What about art and humor? Larry: Happens a lot, couple gets old, pain, falling apart, sometimes the only way out. Stacy: Throughout history humor has been used as a survival mechanism. Is it the best medicine? Larry: Laughter, like crying, is
a release, so yes, very good for depression, much better than the pills they prescribe like candy. Stacy: What brings you joy? Larry: Absence of pain, a new joke that works, a poacher being killed by an elephant, pretty girls, the usual. Stacy: How can we make humor our life raft? Larry: Put a lot of air in it. Stacy: Speaking of air, why are there more men than women comedians? Larry: Guess guys are funnier. Actually, it’s a pretty obnoxious profession, so maybe women are not quite as annoying.
www.foolishtimes.net Stacy: So maybe it’s okay for comics to use each other’s material as long as they change the delivery, like when musicians cover songs. Larry: No! We’re too territorial about material. Stacy: Why do you write in gas stations and parking lots? Larry: I need to be outside, gotta have light. Stacy: Maybe, if you went to the beach, your bits would be more uplifting. Larry: Not a big fan of the beach, nothing good happens at the beach – sunburns and drownings. Stacy: Not to mention the occasional shark attack. Isn’t it ironic that you need light to write such dark humor? Perhaps further proof of humor being the crack that lets the light in. Your stage name is rather effervescent considering your material. How
were you dubbed “Bubb?” Larry: How I got the name is actually revealed by Paula Poundstone in the documentary “3 Still Standing.” Stacy: I came across it at the Carmel Library and found it to be very insightful regarding the challenges of embracing the calling you have accepted. Has stand-up been outsourced? Larry: 80s are gone; guess we need to let it go. Stacy: Yet now we need it more than ever. Have you ever performed a eulogy? Larry: I should. Website: www.larrybubblesbrown.com
Stacy: What do you think about Letterman getting a contract with Netflix? I hope he will be interviewing comics. Larry: Good to see old people getting work. I’m sure he’ll be doing comics. Stacy: What was the best part about being on the Letterman show? Larry: Not bombing – it’s fun but you’re so focused on the set, you can’t really enjoy anything. Stacy: Is great comedy more about the material or the delivery? Larry: Good question. Stacy: Finally! Larry: Maybe the delivery – Steve Martin’s bits were silly, but the crazy delivery made him huge. But no one had better material than Mark Twain and it holds up a century later.
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the ball!” The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.” “Forget it,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.” Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at The Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
Mira, WOW! FOOL CURB on the
1. Do regular dogs see police dogs and think “Oh No, it’s a cop”?
By Daria James
Premeditated and Divine September brings us one step closer to my second favorite season: Autumn! The Fall is a time to rise! I love wearing hoodies and jeans, a light jacket and maybe a scarf to spice things up. Nevertheless, do not pumpkin spice my latté, for I am Mexican and my life is already spiced up. The other time I spiced up my life was back in the day when I was very into the Spice Girls, because Girl Power.
I love wearing hoodies and jeans, a light jacket and maybe a scarf to spice things up. I can tell it to you slowly, it’s the time of the seasons, and I have adapted to said seasons after leaving my perpetual Southern California Summer of Love. I was not born and molded by it as some might like to claim, but I am doing all right. Never let them see you rant, or do, the social media is your oyster. Speaking of the fall and ranting, I have been keeping up with the news and I feel like I am living in a Fellini movie. Just the other day, a bunch of mostly white males gathered to protest. Wait, what?! Do they even know what oppression is? I bet they did not bother to Google that before buying their made in China tiki torches to “stand up” against their ridiculous issues
COUGHmaskinghateCOUGH. Remember when women rallied for the same basics rights males enjoy? Now, that was silly because women have it easy, right? Like, we have so many reasons to smile, I can give you two right off the bat, we have boobs, and any time I am feeling sad I just grab one and immediately cheer-up. They are just that great and I understand why there should be more of them everywhere, unless of course there is a baby trying to get some other utility out of them. Grow up baby, that is not what they are for. Mansplaining life should be required class in college, like algebra, except it would be useful in real life. Divided we are weak, we must come together to reach our common goal, think of the greater good. Think of your future. I will even bring it closer for you. Just because you have not caught a sexually transmitted disease, it does not mean you should not put any effort into protecting your junk. Your lack of action will eventually affect your life. Take a break from taking selfies and fill out the paperwork you need to make your opinion matter, if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem. Life is not a panda; it cannot be both black and white. I mean, there must be a reason pandas are an endangered species.
2. If you could be a man/woman for a day what would you do? 3. On Gilligan’s Island they can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t they fix a hole in a boat? 4. What is the last thing you truly laughed at?
Bob #1 1. My dog breaks the law all the time and everyone things he’s cute. 2. I can finally come out of the closet. 3. Better for TV rating. 4. I laughed at my dog digging up my neighbor’s lawn.
Robert 1. I don’t have a dog and I stay away from cops. 2. I am a man. Always was, always will be. 3. That was my favorite show. I even married a woman named Mary Ann. 4. You
Roberta 1. I would hope that dogs would have proper manners and not have to worry about going to doggy jail. 2. I would enjoy peeing standing up. 3. Gilligan’s Island wasn’t real. Unlike Santa Claus. 4. I laughed at the driver of a car who I cut off going to work this morning.
Bob#2 1. All dogs sniff butts. Why can’t I get away with that without going to jail? 2. See how many guys I could tease. 3. The Minnow crashed and should be firewood. 4. Listening to a CD by Aziz Ansari talk about online dating.
Least Competent Criminals
By Andrews McMeel Syndication
People Different From Us • In a shocking display of mischief, an unnamed 60-yearold man in Singapore is under investigation for lodging three toothpicks in a seat on a public bus in July. If he is found to be the culprit, he could spend up to two years in prison. Singapore has an extremely low crime rate, and even minor offenses result in harsh punishments. For example, vandalism is punishable by caning. Police said at press time that the investigation was continuing.
Wait, What? • Practicing physicians in Cairo, Egypt, opened a surgery-themed restaurant called D.Kebda in July, where they wear surgical scrubs and prepare their only offering, grilled beef-liver sandwiches, behind a glass partition. Kebda is a popular street food in Egypt, but it can cause food poisoning if not prepared carefully. “We tried to take our career values and apply them to this other field,” said Mostafa Basiouny, one of the owners. “There is no contradiction between them; we are still practicing doctors.”
Great Expectations • On Aug. 7, 16-year-old Jack Bergeson of Wichita, Kansas, filed papers in Topeka to run for governor as a Democrat in the 2018 race. Bergeson, who won’t be able to vote in that election, said: “I thought, you know, let’s
give the people of Kansas a chance. Let’s try something new.” The candidate says he would “radically change” health care and would support legalizing medical marijuana, but he’s conservative on gun rights. Bryan Caskey, director of elections at the Kansas secretary of state’s office, said there is no law governing the qualifications for governor. Bergeson’s running mate, 17-yearold Alexander Cline, will be 18 by the election and will get to vote.
Animal Antics • A skunk got up close and personal with a 13-year-old boy on July 25 when it climbed into his bed in Hamden, Connecticut, apparently after hitchhiking into the house in a trash can. The family was able to remove the skunk without the help of the Hamden Animal Control Division, but an officer said the “smell of skunk ... emanated throughout the house.” • The Scardillo Cheese factory in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada, has a squirrel to blame for a fire that resulted in more than 20,000 gallons of milk being spoiled on Aug. 8. The squirrel chewed through a main power line on the outside of the building, which sparked the fire, and power could not be restored for 12 hours. Already-made cheese was kept cool with generators, but milk being readied to make cheese warmed and went bad.
• Criminal justice student Jordan Dinsmore, 20, of Columbia, South Carolina, had her car’s manual transmission to thank for her safe escape on July 26. Three men approached her around 1 a.m. and pointed a gun at her. After robbing her of her phone and purse, the men forced her into her car, threatening to kidnap and rape her, but when they realized none of them knew how to drive her stick-shift car, one of the criminals ran away. The other two forced Dinsmore to drive to an ATM to withdraw cash. As she drove, Dinsmore removed her seatbelt, then put the car in neutral and jumped out, screaming, “Call 911! Call 911!” to passing motorists. The Richland County Sheriff’s Department arrested a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old in the kidnapping and robbery. • Surveillance video from a July 27 break-in at the home of John C. Burbage, 59, of Naples, Florida, showed a surprisingly familiar picture of the perpetrators: Harold Russell Lanham, 22, and his dad, James Edward Lanham, 41, both of whom Burbage employed and both of whom were wearing their work uniforms. The Lanham duo stole a safe containing more than $30,000 worth of cash and property from their boss’s home.
The Weirdo-American Community • Residents of Hollis, Maine, were unnerved on the evening of July 25 as Corey Berry, 31, wearing a clown mask, walked around town with a machete duct-taped to the place where his arm had been amputated. When Berry, intoxicated, was taken into custody in nearby Waterboro, he explained to officers that he was
copying other clown sightings as a prank on a friend. Karmen LePage of Hollis warned: “He’s not funny. We live in the woods; you think we don’t have guns? He’s ... lucky.”
Paranormal Activity • The South Carolina Emergency Management Division issued an alert on Aug. 9 in advance of the total solar eclipse on Aug. 21 asking South Carolinians to be “vigilant” and look out for Lizardmen during the celestial event. “SCEMD does not know if Lizardmen become more active during a solar eclipse,” the note reads. “But we advise that residents of Lee and Sumter counties should remain vigilant.” The folkloric reptilian beast is thought to live in swampland around Lee County and frequent sewers in nearby towns. While some people thought the warning might be a joke, SCEMD said it “will neither confirm nor deny” the existence of Lizardmen.
The Continuing Crisis • There are 70 registered voters in McIntire, Iowa, but not one of them showed up to vote in a twoquestion special election on Aug. 1. Mitchell County deputy auditor Barbara Baldwin told reporters that even poll workers didn’t vote because none of them live in McIntire, which is about 130 miles northeast of Des Moines. Copyright 2017 Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut, Kansas City MO 64106; 800-255-6734
I would do my math homework, but I have my own problems
Why do Eyes Appear Red in Photos? The camera’s flash occurs too fast for the iris. As a result, the flash is focused on the retina at the back of the eye, which is covered by tiny blood vessels. The eye-effect can be reduced by using a bounce flash which is aimed at a nearby wall or low level flash. Red eye can be further reduced by not smoking so much pot.
Celebrate working by taking a day off!
Answers on pg 24
Work Toil Exertion Industry Drudgery Effort Menial Slog Grind Sweat Scut Travail Moil Task Chore Struggle Strive Exert Plug Away
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Bob stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Bob?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
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from page 23
Of course women and men are different. I don’t get how a female can pour boiling hot wax on her thighs, pull all the hair out including the roots, and still be scared to death of a bug.
Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION Freedom Medical Transportation
Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com
TINY HOUSES Aﬀordable Housing in Monterey County. Design, Construction, Zoning/Building Code Compliance, Advocacy, Investment. Contact: firstname.lastname@example.org
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
SCREENS Real Screens
Aﬀordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration. 831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
ESSENTIAL OILS doTerra
The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St CERAMICS Monterey . 9-5pm M-F
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email email@example.com or call 831.648.1038
MUSIC DJ Vossenova
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
MORTGAGE WINDOW CLEANING Mr. Window
Professional residential window cleaning, pressure washing & gutter cleaning. Reliable & Punctual See what you’re been missing. 32 years experience. 831.917.0405
Let’s Talk. I have the experience to help you. 831.655.1678 firstname.lastname@example.org NMLS# 240919 DRE # 01193679
Back to School on New Tires
Doctor Needs a
We honor Seniors and Military Free Shuttle Service within a 5-mile Radius Late Night/ Early Morning Drop-Off Available
2017 BRINGS CHANGE TO YOUR PRACTICE
LET US HELP YOU
Peace of Mind Essex will Maintain and Prevent Problems to Keep Your Auto Running Safely
Complimentary Visual Inspection
Billing • Coding • Reimbursement No need to change your EMR! Appeals • Collections Strategic Market Planning Train to Retain Staff
Over 25 years of helping medical practices stay healthy A local female owned company
Complimentary Consultation for a check up on your practice
The best alternative to the high priced dealers
125-C Sun St, Salinas 831-757-2370 www.esseximports.com
www.ipsmonterey.com 525 Hartnell Street Monterey
Free family event at Custom House Plaza. Live dancing, music, food, crafts and more fun than being on Mt Olympus. montereybaygreekfestival. com
Fortune Cookie Day
Boomer Humor Comedy Show
Who writes these things and how do they get those little pieces of paper inside? Ask Jack at Full Moon, he may have answers for you.
Monterey Jazz Fest
60th annual event celebrates the legacy of jazz, expands its boundaries. montereyjazzfestival.org
The 7th annual event returns to the Barnyard in honor of Chef Andre. Be there for beer, polka and the crowning of Miss Oktoberfest. oktoberfestmontereybay.com
Fight Procrastination Day
Same event, new sponsor. This unique pro-junior golf event showcases First Tee. PGA Champions Tour player Paul Broadhurst was last year’s winner. www.pebblebeach.com
Pure Insurance Championship
Make a decision. Take an action. Let me think about it…
The Italians pick up where the Greeks left off a week before. A cultural celebration honoring local fishermen with lots of things to eat and drink including a full schedule of entertainment. festaitaliamonterey.org
Sandcastle Building Day
Kat Simmons is a 27 year veteran of the international comedy club circuit headlines. Richard Stockton opens. carmelfoundation.org
An eclectic mix of beach and ocean competitions at Del Monte Beach. Two-person volleyball, ocean water polo and The “Ikaika” Challenge highlight. montereybeachsf.com
Ask a Stupid Question Day
57th annual event at Carmel Beach. Open to anyone on any level of expertise. Bribing the judges is acceptable. Awards are given in multiple categories.
All those questions you were afraid to ask can now be cleansed from your soul. Ask away!
Living to see the day where your children have children is a great reward.
Austin-Martin Car Show
P.G. is the place to see these great cars built between 1953-1967. Can you say, “Bond, James Bond.” www.pacificgrove.org
Step Family Day
First celebrated with a picnic in 1997. Once upon a time marriages lasted for life. Now it seems to take a few times to get it right.
Monterey Grand Prix
Laguna Seca hosts the action among the prototype and GT sports cars. This race will again be the penultimate round of the championship chase. www.mazdaraceway.com
Sep 30-Oct 1
CA International Airshow
Since 1981, this world class event has delighted attendees with military and civilian aircrafts in the air and on the ground. salinasairshow.com
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
We celebrate 14 years of family friendly humor.