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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Sales Fools.................................Hutch Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee Cover Art by Morgan M.
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Dennis Hengeveld, Olivia Doskey, Zachary Michael Jack, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Davis Mendez, Chris Myers, Loann Ngyen, David Schmidt, Chuck Shepherd, Rosie Sorenson, Laura Sottile, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks It wasn’t that long ago when you could hear your mother’s voice telling you to go outside and find something to do. Labor Day was coming which meant summer was over and the school year began. Nowadays, kids are back in the classroom in the middle of October and the year stretches into June. I liked going to school but I wasn’t a very good student. The first day of school was always special to me. It’s the only day of the year when I was not behind in my homework. I wouldn’t say I was dumb but if teachers are so smart, why do they ask so many questions? The only reason they’re happy is because they’re getting paid to be there while we kids have to be there for free. What did education get me? I’m a publisher. This means my weekend starts on Tuesday and I walk around my office telling jokes while trying to convince my staff I know what I’m doing. The only smart thing I did was to surround myself with people who are smart. My career choice proves I’m not a genius.
I have a friend who is very smart. He went to law school but didn’t bother to graduate. He settled out of class. He’s so brilliant he got a parking ticket reduced to second degree manslaughter. I shouldn’t pick on attorneys. If we didn’t have them, who would get us out of the trouble they got us into? In my next life, I’m going to be a plumber.
Stevie P. / firstname.lastname@example.org
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
www.foolishtimes.net The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
Existence was so tranquil and peaceful for the young couple Adam and Eve, like straight out of a story book, until one unfortunate day when Adam showed up one hour late for supper. By the time Adam finally came home Eve was a nervous wreck, and her imagination was working overtime. “Honey, what happened? Why are you home so late?” questioned Eve. “Oh I’m sorry! Adam responded with a wave of his hand, “I just lost track of the time.” Now Eve didn’t have a mother or girlfriend around to calm her fears, after all it was just her and her husband and despite Adam’s convincing act her overactive imagination could not be calmed. That night after two hours of restlessly turning in her bed, enough was enough. “WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING!” hollered Adam jumping out of bed. “YOU KNOW DARN WELL
WHAT I’M DOING” screamed Eve right back, “NOW YOU BETTER LAY STILL RIGHT NOW, AND LET ME FINISH COUNTING THOSE RIBS!
There were no two ways about it. Rosie was fat. Very fat. “Martha,” said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over? Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it, with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.” “Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?” “He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”
Camping without beer is just sitting in the woods.
A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.”
John was talking to his fiancé, Rebecca. He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?” To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.” “Really?” he asked excitedly. “Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.’” John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Year of the rooster
it BEER Post No Bills Hundreds of specialty & seasonal beers ciders & craft sodas, BYOF Drink in or take-out 600 Ortiz Ave, Sand City 831.324.4667 www.postnobills.net
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
FAST FOOD If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
ORGANIC Bay of Pines Ocean-themed decór, organic soups, salads, beef, chicken, pasta & burgers. Beer & wine. Experience the organic difference. 150 Del Monte Ave, Monterey 831.920.3560 www.bayofpinesrestaurant.com
DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $5 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345 Sarita’s Call it what it is...the original place, the namesake, where it all started. You will call it the best! Eat in, take-out, catering 21 Soledad St Monterey 831.350.0555 www.saritastogo.com
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
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THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
INDIAN Namaste India Bistro House mixed spices accent freshly prepared Indian food for a modern interpretation of classic dishes. Dine in, take-out and delivery. Lunch buffet daily. 538 Lighthouse Ave, Monterey 831.641.0130 www.namasteindiabistro.com
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
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Comments Welcome: email@example.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram One of these mornings you will rise up and admit you’re happy! You will spread your flings to the sky and bid all that clinging goodbye. You can finally finish what you started ... growing up.
Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Reason why you never feels secure enough is ‘cause you ain’t. It’s a long pull before you believe steamed heat can’t harm you. You is free as you wanna be, now go on and find where the livin’ is easy...
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Picaroon! You are an avid collector of fine valuables.Your piracy may be hindered by thick and swampy summer heat. A shady character, such as a tree will give you some reprieve. Make sure to leave a token of thanks in the unspoken tree hollow, and soon you will find the key.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion My-My, Pride is your achilles heel! A small but fatal weakness.Your wreathed mane is resembling an arrogant cabbage which is now blocking everyone’s view in this great arena of life! Augustus the Great was great because of his humility. (His healthy pair of badunga dangles helped of course.) Swallow your pride or be cast aside like an alleycat! Happy B-day pussy...
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Gemmy you are knowingly Mercurial! You must foresee your overture’s superficiality. Adagio is the elixir for introducing life’s muddiest berceuses. Every note sinks and every rest drinks to evoke the murmurs of the heart’s wrenching & delicious realities. Otherwise it’s a crap game, and you know how fickle that wizard of odds can be.
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin It ain’t necessarily so! You say you’re not upset, but you is. Indulging in self-deceit is sinful. You oughta decide if you’re going to be a pot of jam or an apostle of change. Otherwise a fossil of the deranged might be arranged.
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Your Mama is good looking and your Papa is rich! A good start since relationships are your metier. But what if Mama was butt ugly and your Papa is really your Unkie and a poh fool?! Still balancing with grace and charm? Take real energy and put it into serving humanity and then you can be a true celebrity. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion A picnic in full swing and you chug in as a dancing danger! Wow! And with rhythmic footsteps that can make a choochoo jump its tracks! Dat’s what you do! Now that you have successfully derailed any chance of intimacy with your milieu, watch out for flying glass! You is ... who you is, a tad brass. Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Is there a doctor in the house?? SAG has an element of doubt? Unheard of! Summertime and the living is squeezing you, all Cobralike and such. Staying huddled in incoherency ain’t gonna bring you
By Bini no new rich dime. Chime in your gift of providence to hear that creaking door opening to Lady Luck--Oil them hinges! Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat No concealin’ you are a sober and gloomy potion. Darn truth is Cappy, you’re not settling arguments. Marrying perhaps for money and prestige has only returned to you limited intrigue and oceans of fatigue. Speak up or forever hold your piece because “they” are coming to Bart you away to the isle of misfit goats. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Porky & Bess-amel sauce don’t makes you sporty. I understand that boredom is a communicable disease in your book of fables, but you must rise like a hot biscuit from the dinner table before you create a kinship with the Hindenburg. Imagine differently that peace is deeply thrilling. I know of a balmy summer breeze that can blow you away. Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Prodigious PI you have bounced back like a rubber bathtub toy! You are jumping and the struttin’ is high. You create a special kind of magic so that everyone wants to see through your rose colored glasses. Do give them away - you won’t get laid, no fantasy arcade. Reality is, they will purchase tickets for this piece of work, namely you.
Enrich Your Vocabulary II By Debbie Harris In the March Foolish Times I included a list of words from my word-a-day vocabulary enrichments, with thoughts on them. This month I continue this discussion and offer: Officious (pronounced o-FISHuhs)—excessively eager in offering unwanted or unneeded advice or help. A nosey body? A buttinski? It does sound better than that. “Martin’s mother-in-law was particularly officious.” Sounds like she’s organized and helpful. Cool! Factitious (pronounced fak-tiSHƏS)—produced by humans rather than by natural forces. The word sounds more like a truth that someone really likes. “He won the debate with a final argument that was factitious!” Maybe it’s a fictitious fact, an “alternative fact?” Hairshirt (pronounced (HAIR-shuhrt)—a shirt made of haircloth, worn next to the skin as a penance. OMG! That would work on me. I can’t even stand to have a single hair on my arm or down the back of my shirt. I have to get it out! If someone was trying to get information out of me, using a hairshirt would work just fine. I’d confess to digging the hole where Saddam Hussein hid if it would get the hairshirt off me! Under the category of Does There Really Need to Be a Word For This? Eclogue (pronounced ECKlog)—a poem in which shepherds converse. Seriously? I’m presuming this means that at some point in time, there were so many poems that included
shepherds conversing that it required a new word to categorize that. Are shepherds a chatty bunch? What do they talk about? The sheep? The phases of the sun? How quickly the grass grows? How lonely and bored they are? Defenestration (pronounced dee-fen-uh-STRAY-shuhn)— throwing someone or something out of a window. Besides the fact that this word sounds like an activity that would hurt, is this a common occurrence? Do people throw things out the window so much that they need a special word for it? Who are these out the window tossers? Wordsmith. org says this word is used most in removing someone from an office or position and comes from Latin. I guess the American English equivalent would be giving someone a pink slip, or perhaps, giving them the boot. Deuteragonist (pronounced dütǝ-RA-gƏ-nist)—the actor taking the part of second importance in a classical Greek drama. Are there a lot of these actors? Do they have a union? Is that why there had to be a specific word for them? I wonder if any classical Greek dramas have shepherds conversing. Hmmm. The definition round-robin. Gnathonic (pronounced naTHON-ik)—syncophantic. Is that so? Ok, Syncophantic (pronounced sink-o-fantic)—of, relating to, or characteristic of a syncophant. You don’t say! Ok, Syncophant (pronounced sinko-fant)—a servile self-seeking flatterer. Ooooooh! What we
would call kissing up, sucking up, or brown nosing. Got it. Under the category of You’re making this up, right? Osculate (pronounced AHSSkyuh-layt)—kiss. Really? Sounds like a remedy for difficulty breathing. Can we really use this word? “Brad had been on three dates with Ashley and was looking forward to experiencing his first osculation.” Nah. “Oh, you skinned your knee? Come here and let mommy osculate the boo-boo.” Maybe spin the bottle can be changed to “revolving osculations.”
No commentary needed: Crapulous (pronounced KRAPyuh-luhs)—sick from excessive drinking or eating. Kakistocracy (pronounced kak-i-Stok-ruh-see)—government by the least qualified or worst persons. May the scratches from your hairshirt receive osculations even if you are crapulous and may you never experience defenestration unless you are officious.
Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Tow Truck Fishing Don’t Get Caught on a Hook
Essex will Maintain Your Car to Keep You on the Road Complimentary Visual Inspection
KNOCK OFF www.foolishtimes.net
Knock knock! Who’s there? Wurlitzer. Wurlitzer who? Wurlitzer one for the money, two for the show...
Knock knock! Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda hang out with me right now?
Knock knock! Who’s there? Claire. Claire who? Claire the way; I’m coming in!
Knock knock! Who’s there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked. Open up!
Knock knock! Who’s there? Radio. Radio who? Radio not, here I come!
Why did the chicken cross the road? I don’t know. To get to the idiot’s house. Knock knock! Who’s there? The chicken!
Knock knock! Who’s there? Howard. Howard who? Howard I know? Knock knock! Who’s there? Smell mop. Smell mop who? Eww, no thanks. I don’t want to smell your poo! Knock knock! Who’s there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you! Knock knock! Who’s there? Aardvark. Aardvark who? Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock knock! Who’s there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car! Knock knock! Who’s there? Wooden shoe. Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke? Knock knock! Who’s there? Madam. Madam who? Madam foot got caught in the door! Knock knock! Who’s there? Ho-ho. Ho-ho who? You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
1. If animals could talk, which would be the rudest? 2. What do you do now that will be embarrassing in five years? 3. What movie would be greatly improved if it were a musical? Zane Phillips 1. Gopher. He’s always tearing up my landscape. 2. Twerking on top of tables at random Burger Kings. 3. Blood In Blood Out. It would be great seeing Miklo singing about how hard it is to be a white cholo. Lizzy Speece 1. Raccoons would be the rudest because they’re basically trash pandas. 2. I would probably be embarrassed by my boisterous burping! 3. Titanic should have been a musical. The scene where Jack and Rose were standing at the head of the boat was just asking for them to belt out a song. Violet Orozco 1. Cats. Because Cats are very Diva-like. Very bossy. Especially my cat. 2. I do not work out as often I should. I’m gonna gain some weight and I’m gonna be very embarrassed. 3. Tremors. Just because it’s so old and so dry. Just them trying to survive and singing in their survival mode would be funny. Anthony Woods 1. I’d say a horse. When they’re walking in formation to another place their faces are in the rear-ends of other horses. I’m sure they’re always in a bad mood. 2. Nose piercing. I’m sure when I get a little older I’ll be like, “What was I thinking?” 3. It’d be very interesting to see The Bourne Identity as a musical. Breaking windows and boards and then singing about it at the same time would be hysterical. Don Morgan 1. Chimpanzees. They say chimpanzees are very similar to humans. They would probably be arrogant. 2. I think that maybe my views on economic theory will change. I’m not sure how well, this theory which is basically 250 years old, and it continues to be applied to.. uh.. to uhh.. current times. 3. East of Eden. It has a lot of places you could interject a song.
Steppin’ on Someone’s Tow
By Loann Nguyen I knew I was possibly inviting trouble when I parked my car by the pool in my complex without a permit while I was working in my backyard. The sounds of a mid-summer day were intruded on by a car alarm going off and the thought of, “Could that be my car?” I stopped what I was doing and rushed out to see…no car!! I’m not exactly pre-dementia and knew the parking spot where my car should have been. The sound of the alarm was still audible and screaming for me so I ran to where it was as fast as my size five shoes would carry me.
This guy had no idea who he was dealing with and the verbal war that could wake the dead erupted. Coming around the corner, I saw a tow truck positioning to tow my car. Drastic situations call for drastic action so I jumped on top of his lift and refused to get off. He started backing up when he noticed “the crazy lady” yelling
at him. He got out of his truck and told me to get of the back of his truck before I get hurt. I told him to let my car off the hook. He wanted proof that it was my car and asked to see my license and registration. I high tailed back to my house and grabbed my license out of my purse and ran back to show him. The registration was in the glove box where it always is. Upon proving that the car was mine, he offered let my car off the hook if I paid him $100. My payment options were cash or credit. I couldn’t justify paying the $100, but it wasn’t a bad option as opposed to shelling out hundreds for the tow and weekend storage. This guy had no idea who he was dealing with and the verbal war that could wake the dead erupted. He realized that I could be stuck like crazy glue to his truck until we came to an agreement. His next offer was $50 cash with no receipt. I only had a $100 bill. Knowing the odds were slim to none that he would have change, I asked anyway. He was not amused and said no. This was not the best situation for me to be in and with time
www.foolishtimes.net passing and his patience waning I had to find change quickly or pay way more than I wanted. I didn’t have $50 but was able to muster up $40. Waving what I had at him, he must have really wanted to be done with me so he quickly took this amount and freed my car. This interaction caused both of us unwarranted stress and wasted time. I told him that his job was not making him a nice person and he should consider a different line of work, maybe one that didn’t involve people. He responded that not only was it his job but he liked what he is doing. My frustration was now down to a simmer. Once my car was off the hook, I looked at him and said, “If you were my brother, I would kick your ass.” He sassed back, “I’m sure you would.” Did I deserve this treatment on such a beautiful summer day? I knew better than to park my car
in an area where it could be towed but did it anyway. It was Saturday, it was hot and I lived in this gated community for more than 10 years. And I did it before without any problems! It’s expensive to have your car towed and the retrieval process is a nightmare. If my car could talk, it would be so proud of me for saving it from this process.
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done at the library?
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
When I was a child, I asked my mom what a couple was and she said two or three. And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work out. Answers on page 24
By Lily Brun As an avid gardener, I like to read about new trends. I don’t want to miss out on the latest hybrid tomato or any new and colorful flower varieties (calendulas are my favorite) or even what’s happening in soil amendments. So, because of my insatiable quest for the latest and the greatest in the gardening world, I uncover news that sometimes just makes me scratch my head in bewilderment. My current bafflement: floratourism. What? Let’s break it down. Flora: flower. Tourism: visiting places of interest. So this means people are going to places that have flowers. So, in other words, people are visiting gardens. Not gardening themselves, mind you, just admiring places where other people garden. The people driving this trend. Millennials. Now I like millennials. I have two myself. They’re my go to people when I have a question about any kind of technology. They graciously walk me through the solution … quite often without
any eye-rolling impatience. On the flip-side, because of my passion for gardening and the great outdoors, they can tell the difference between a tulip and a fig tree.
Too much computer screen time is keeping them from walking outside for the sole purpose of getting some fresh air. So it did take me a little by surprise to read that this generation felt alienated from the outdoors — nature deficit disorder is the technical terminology. Say what? Apparently, technology is the culprit. Too much computer screen time is keeping them from walking outside for the sole purpose of getting some fresh air. The solution they’ve come up with is to reconnect with nature by adding nature-based activities
If something is new, it couldn’t have been improved. If something was improved, it can’t be new.
to their lives. Visitor numbers are up at botanical gardens, arboretums and state and national parks. Farm tours are full. Airbnb’s located in trees and on ranches and in remote country settings have a steady stream of guests. Cities across the country are putting up pop up gardens in vacant lots, not actually, to inspire gardening however, but to create a place where yoga and dance and writing workshops can take place, in addition to group meetings and special events, all the while surrounded by a scattering of plants and maybe a bee hive … much like fantasy football, a fantasy garden of their own making. Urban nature parks are becoming part of the fabric of cities. It’s a way to reconfigure natural habitat, interspersing playgrounds, lawns, trails and maybe even a nature center for kids, into a backyard destination, for those who don’t have or want backyards. Sigh. At the risk of sounding like a crabby old person (when did I become my parents?) this just seems like a whole lot of effort. Shouldn’t going outdoors just happen nature-ally? I’m going out on a limb here, but in my garden-variety world with my rose-colored glasses perched on my nose and my muck boots on, there is just no better feeling then stepping outside into a world of color and smells and sounds and tastes created by my own dirty hands. Nature surplus disorder — that’s what I’m aiming for!
You Want a Piece of Me? By Robyn Justo
A story of the Bobbsey Twins
Sometimes just one little letter can change everything, making crop circles into crap circles and crockpots into crackpots. And sometimes one word can do the same. There are a few C-words that I don’t like and you can imagine what they might be. A word can reduce us to roadkill faster than ACME can flatten Wile E. Coyote chasing the Roadrunner. Years ago I met a really cool gal, who just happened to have been previously married to the man I was currently engaged to at the time. We met by accident on a plane, although I don’t believe there really are accidents since I had wished I could talk to my fiancé’s exes to find out if I was the only one who was challenged by him. Gumby and I became fast friends. Share(d) the man, share the experience, Mister-sharing sisters who could laugh about it all together. When we got off the plane arm in arm, I remember the color draining from my fiancé’s face as his mouth fell open. “WHAAAAT???” he said. “How…???” He couldn’t speak which was rare. We both grinned at him, knowing that we had shared special girl secrets in that two hour flight. Over the years (20 some, give or take), Gumby and I lost touch. But one day last year, I got an email. By the way, I never married the guy and he eventually passed on. The strange thing was that I had been dreaming about him and she had been awakened at 2:00 am one night knowing that she had to talk to me. I gave her a call and it seemed
like no time (or lifetimes) had passed. The laughter was still there as were the great stories, except that in her words she had “silly cancer.” My heart sank. She had an amazing attitude which quickly got me laughing again with her. Gosh, maybe the disembodied ex was coming into my dreams to help us make that connection again for some reason. It didn’t take long for me to get on a plane to Phoenix to see my long-lost Mister-Sister. The weekend was filled with giggles and “I do that too!!!” and “I love that too!” comments. We were twins for sure.
Gumby and I were always kind of like the Bobbsey Twins and now we were the Biopsy Twins. After moving back to California from the Hawaii recently, I did what most people my age do. I found new docs just to make sure that I was fully operational. I was afraid of losing my hair, but it turned out that this wasn’t an issue. There was a bigger concern, two interesting looking formations that had appeared on m body (one that resembled a small triangular alien craft on my leg.) Gotta love extraterrestrial life forms. The doc wanted to destroy the ship before it amped itself up to warp speed or replicated. I had no clue that he wanted a good sized chunk of the planet it landed on as well. I wonder why some things that
we end up getting have names that sound Italian, like it’s almost normal to say, “I’ll order the eggplant parmigiana with a side of melanoma.” Yikes. Gumby and I were always kind of like the Bobbsey Twins and now we were the Biopsy Twins. When I told her that, she laughed hysterically. “That is SOOO funny!” What wasn’t funny was how others reacted (or didn’t) to the news of the C-word. One of Gumby’s friends told her that her condition was chronic and at least she wasn’t dying. What???? And one of mine told me that it didn’t sound like fun. Ya think? Others didn’t say a thing, glossing over it or worse not even noticing what was written or said to them, but went on and on about their jobs and all of the
things they had to do that day, ad nauseam. Some minimized it or read off a list of all the “so-andso’s” who have the same thing. So if you don’t understand Italian you might want to read about it. You won’t get any on you. Maybe say, “Shit, I’m sorry. You must be scared.” Or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Honestly, knowing that everyone else has it too doesn’t help. Some get on a soapbox about our air, water, and food but I’m feeling that it might be more important what comes out of our mouths (or doesn’t) at a time like this than what goes in it. A main course of empathy might be in order. So I might look a little like Frankenstein soon (ARRGGHHH!), but I’ve got a friend who gets it because she got it. Gumby is as irreverent as I am about all of this and I don’t know about you, but if I have a choice I would rather (eventually) die laughing.
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?” “Eventually,” said the doctor, “She will rise and shine.”
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
I Just Want to See You Shine! Summer time, something, something. Tequila! You guys, I have been drinking but at least I have not been driving, I’ll leave that for Kanye. You should definitely get yourself a drink and enjoy the summer too. Drink your sorrows away, do not try to drown them, they know how to swim. Have them tubbing their way out of your life in the river you cried. Wave goodbye! Hemingway used to drink and write; I do not possess his drinking talent. We do have other things in common: we both served
in the military, we both wrote short stories, we both engaged in outdoors activities, we both have three ex-wives, and the list goes on.
Drink your sorrows away, do not try to drown them, they know how to swim. Enjoy the outdoors and the beautiful ocean while you can, before it turns into profit for someone else. Maybe they watched one too many Duck Tales. You cannot dive into a pool of money and go for a swim. Even
Peter Griffin knows that, and he is another cartoon character! I guess the Emcee in Cabaret is right; money makes the world go around. Personally, I do not care much about money. I use it to purchase necessities and a few treats, and I could not care less about what condemnatory people think. Why? Because when I had close to nothing, I cared about keeping up with appearances and then I realized it was too emotionally draining. I was empty inside just trying to cover up. One day I had an epiphany, and decided to invest on myself and be my best. Coincidently, I was also wearing a vest, the 90s were fun you guys, and vintage is always in. As a result of soul searching, I grew from within. I have different priorities now, I own less stuff, and do not feel the need to purchase flashy items to impress anyone. I got confidence, so whatever I wear I rock it really,
from my Sunday worst to my Sunday best. Confidence is free. Here is the part where I point and tongue-click. I would raise my glass if I hadn’t drunk my bourbon.
Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
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By Rex Keyes
A Kids Guide on Parents
Ok kids, it is August and the last month of summer vacation. Have you been to Disneyland, Knott’s’ Berry Farm, Universal Studios, Great America or the Monterey Bay Aquarium? If not, then you have a very short time for your parents to take you there before school starts. So how do you get them to take you to one of those places? The best way to do it is to promise you’ll get a B in one or two of your classes next semester. Your parents will love that. And they will probably brag about it to other parents. Of course you will have to study a little more than normal, but it will be well worth it. And you cannot let your other grades drop or they will be disappointed.
Watch out, cause your parents are probably going to want to hug you when they see your report card. Now before Christmas time, if you want a nice present, you can say you’ll try for one or two more Bs, or maybe, and this is way out there, an A!! Oh my gosh, to get an A your parents will probably freak out because earning an A is very difficult. They will really be bragging about you and probably consider you to be on the “pedestal of honor.” OK, after you get that A, you will say how difficult it was to achieve and say, “I don’t know if I can do it again.” They will then probably offer you
a bribe like the latest smartphone or your own car. Then you could say very humbly, “Well if I make an A for next semester or get two As, gee mom, gee dad, I could use a car.” To get that extra A then you probably should hang out with the smart kids in the class and sort of ask them how they study or accomplish their high grades. You might even, heavens to Betsy, study with them!! One thing you don’t want to do is let your friends know you got an A or a B or that you are studying for higher grades. They might consider you too uppity or trying to be better than they are. And watch out, cause your parents are probably going to want to hug you when they see your report card. Make sure you ask your parents if they could keep your grades a secret from your brothers and sisters. You don’t want them to know because they might start competing with you for presents by getting better grades or they may start calling you “smarty pants.” Good Luck!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------NOTICE TO PARENTS Feel free to cut the above article at the dotted line and leave it to where one of your children who you want to get better grades can find it. Don’t let on that you know anything about the article. If you bring a copy of Foolish Times home and they read it, still cut at the dotted line so that they do not suspect you are trying to trick them into getting better grades.
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Camping for the Clueless
By Olivia Doskey It isn’t for everyone but it can be done by anyone. Personally I have been camping far more than even a hippy like myself would like to admit, so here are some things I've learned throughout the years: En route to your camp destination make sure you have accurate and easy to read directions. If you don’t that’s okay because getting lost in the middle of nowhere is fun too even if you are viciously hungry and suffering from a nearly explosive bladder. Upon arrival to the campsite make sure you drive as recklessly as possible with the fury of a thousand bats out of hell. This will insure maximum dust dispersal and the best opportunity for you to race out of the car and claim the best spot for your tent before your suffocating friends can steal it from you! When choosing the best place to set up camp you should try and find the one with the best ratio of pointy rocks to gnarly tree roots. This way anytime someone asks you to partake in any strenuous benign activity such as a nice hike (which always ends up being three miles longer than everyone
promised it was) you will have the prefect and most painful of excuses to get out of it. When pitching your tent just remember staking it in the ground is not 100 percent necessary. Not securing your tent provides mobility so in case some bad news bears come to attack your campsite you will have the ability to roll your tent to safety. In addition to this if you are worried about not being able to shower and smelling like a dumpster diving raccoon that uses campfire ash as dry shampoo then you always have the option to not put the rain guard over your tent. That way you can have a free shower every night and wake up feeling fresh and clean with newly washed clothes as well. Now if you forget a sleeping bag don’t worry! Braving the chilly and harsh outdoor weather will condition your body to be accustomed to the cold so you'll never have to wear a jacket or build a fire again. Something you will have to worry about is sunblock, but you really must wait to add this after you have truly developed a nice sunburn otherwise your will
have no idea where to apply the sunblock. As far as food goes, there is no real need to bring any since there is food available all around you! In the Monterey County area crawdads are a delicious delicacy to indulge in. These playful creature’s claws are only known to draw blood about half the time you come in contact with them. It only takes about six whole crawdads, maybe seven, to fill one taco, because of course crawdad tacos are obviously the best and only way to consume these dirty river crabs. Crawdads have a nice tough texture and even better yet the griminess of their way of life is hardly even detectable in the
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www.foolishtimes.net meat if you are able to drench your taco in enough hot sauce. It might take a couple dozen fishing trips and waste most of your day and definitely all of your bacon to catch enough to feed two people at most, but boy is it worth it to say you actually fought and made your own food for once you lazy human! But if all else fails you can always go foraging in the forest for mushrooms and the like. Some people may want to scare you and insult you by saying you don't know which mushrooms are poisonous or not but your great, great, really great ancestors use to do this stuff for a living. It was in their blood! If it wasn’t, then the poison will be in your blood and you will just know from then on in the afterlife that camping was just never for you … sorry. At least you don't have to worry about how to make a campfire in hell.
By Ted Gargiulo
Labor of Love
We were supposed to paint the wall today. Never mind which wall. According to my wife, every wall in our house is in need of painting, and has been since we bought the place seven years ago. During that time, we’ve probably amassed enough paints and supplies to start a business, and I’m certain we’ll be needing more before our work is finished. Does it matter whether or not the walls and cabinets ever get painted? I’m not the one to ask. They look okay to me. But then, everything looks okay to my dull, infuriatingly finite expostal worker’s mind. I can’t explain why it’s taken us so long to get started. All I know is, we were finally going to zero in on this woefully overdue project today—a project that has haunted my wife’s dreams since Obama took office. It hasn’t haunted mine because, sorry to say, I don’t dream. Jann is extraordinarily sensitive to color schemes, composition and design. She intuitively knows what a room demands and how to achieve it.
Like any true visionary, she can think of nothing else until the job is done. I, on the other hand, am extraordinarily dense, devoid of intuition and infatuated with the status quo. Worse, I can neither visualize nor remember from day to day what Jann intends to do with…whatever she’s intending to do something with. I simply wait for her instructions and pitch in. She’s the brains of every operation; I’m the brawn. She’s a “Jann of all Trades;” I’m a “Jack of all Asses.” Together we’re an amazing team!
I, on the other hand, am extraordinarily dense, devoid of intuition and infatuated with the status quo. Anyway, there’s this one wall that we had resolved weeks ago to paint before tackling other jobs. What, you ask, is so special about this particular wall? Jann says it’s
How many middle aged men go out for a loaf of bread and never come home? Not enough.
THE first wall you see when you walk in the front door. I suppose that gives it some aesthetic priority as far as walls go. Unless, of course, you gaze to the right or left when you enter the house, or sneak in through the back door, in which case you’d miss said wall altogether, and our labor of love (which we haven’t performed yet) would be in vain. No matter, I was serious (I really was!) when I promised Jann I’d help her paint the wall, once she’d chosen the proper color. And we’d have commenced the operation this very day. Except that while we were blissfully savoring our morning coffee, she asked me to play some music to
drown out the high-pitched noise from the fridge. Naturally, I was more than happy to oblige. That’s when plans started to unravel. The first CD so transported us, I played another. It was glorious! We listened, we read, we talked, we laughed, we reminisced, we tinkered on our computers and let our minds wander. Next thing we knew, it was time for the evening news. So much for our day. I asked Jann, “Are you upset about the wall?” “Not really. Are you?” “Not really. I enjoyed our time together, though.” “I did too!!!” Like I say, why should two adult kids, as silly in love as we are, postpone till tomorrow what they can enjoy right now? Genuine contentment requires no embellishment. And besides, we’re never too old to play hooky. Forget the wall!
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Stacy talks to comics
By Stacy Lininger Stacy: Do you consider yourself a talk show host or a comedian first, or both? Chip: Professional comedy isn’t a natural skill. Comedy is really just recognizing irony and misdirecting expectations. Talk radio is more about telling stories in a way that misdirects people who think they know it all. Like talk show hosts. See how I brought that full-circle? Stacy: How is it different relating to an audience over the airwaves as opposed to live? Chip: When you are in front of people, you can read their reactions and there is a sense of the ghost in the machine. The whole being greater than the sum of the joke. Stacy: What was your favorite interview and why? Chip: I always enjoy speaking with smart people. I interviewed everyone from Stephen Hawking to the guy from Jackass, but I really enjoy talking to kids. They have no filters. Stacy: Does it bother you to endorse controversial companies, such as My Pillow, or are you like a lawyer who feels every advertiser deserves defending? Chip: The pillow isn’t controversial, the guy who makes it is. Do you know the story behind the gas you put in your car? That said, it’s a fair and relevant search for all of us. Stacy: Do you and your wife still use My Pillow? Chip: I use it, but then again I got it for free. My wife left hers in DC with her mother.
Hail Caesar Augustus!
Meet Chip Franklin
Answers on pg 24
Rome Emperor Republic Supreme Leader God Octavius Pax Romana Army Roads First Senators Benevolent Civil War Cleopatra Egypt Powerful Rubicon
Stacy: The spoken word has its own heartbeat but, in this age of technology, what can we do to keep it alive? Chip: The spoken word is nuanced in a way that great writers are always trying to capture. I cherrypick words from many languages and use them all the time. It’s not words that are endangered, it’s ideas. The act of creation means something will be broken, and that unsettles the fearful and insecure. Stacy: How can Monterey listeners tune into your show and do you encourage them to call in with comments? Chip: Listen on the mobile devices at kgoradio.com and follow me on Facebook at Chip Franklin and on twitter @ChipFranklin. Stacy: I like to listen on my car radio at 810 on the AM dial. Do you have any upcoming live shows? Chip: September 19 at the Punchline in San Francisco. Stacy: Why do you “rarely trust the audience to get the joke?” Chip: That was the Washington Post critic saying radio executives rarely do. Did you hear the joke about the communication specialist who got hit by a train? He didn’t hear it coming. Stacy: What is the most unusual thing you’ve done for your job? Chip: It’s all unusual. People pay me to talk.
Stacy: Wait, didn’t you have your chest shaved on the air a few weeks ago? Speaking of unusual, is there any way Trump can redeem himself? Chip: That’s between him and his battery of psychology professionals. Stacy: If you were king of the world, what would be your first order of business? Chip: Find a smart Queen and put her in charge.
Stacy: What annoys you more than anything? Chip: Fear. There’s so much to love and embrace about our lives, and fear has no place in bringing us all together. Stacy: This one is for my publisher. What should bald people list for hair color? Chip: On behalf of bald guys everywhere, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer. Website: www.chipfranklin.com
Who figured out that we could drink milk from cows and what did he think he was doing at the time?
By Davis Mendez
By Car This happened in Clovis before I moved to Monterey. I remember Malibu and I ditched school in his mother’s car. We were on the dry country roads burning thenillegal leaves. He liked to speed and I liked to tell him to knock it off. He responded to my fear with laughter. He “drifted” on a left turn and before the O in NO left my mouth we struck the dirt embankment. I must’ve moved against my will oddly because the first thing Malibu commented on was how funny I looked smashing against the window. The idiot. But we were okay. Luckily, only one tire busted and the bumper hung on. Barely. Neither of us knew how to change a tire. Although we tried! A Good Samaritan pulled up behind us and fixed our tire. It wasn’t 10 minutes later that Malibu sped up again. That’s when the spare popped and we, again, hit an embankment. We walked three hours home in the Central Valley summer, while the idiot rapped about what he observed on the road. Occasionally he got on the road and did pushups as he yelled, “Use it or lose it.” He’d apparently lost his mind from non-use.
By Bus So I bought a bus pass. It wasn’t bad. I lived with it. It’s annoying that public transportation tends to be late or early. I’d find myself running after early buses; or I’d look down the road in anticipation of a late bus coming into the horizon. The last time I waited for a late bus something embarrassing happened. I
checked my phone to see whether another bus arrived earlier and on time. I tend to bring the phone too close to my face too fast. I knocked it out of my hand. I bent over fast to catch it. Too fast. I heard a quick ripping sound like a zipper. My pants ripped. I turned my head to see the damage. I saw my boxer-briefs to my calf.
I rode my bicycle on an egg-run. In hindsight, a bicycle is not the best transportation for fragile things. I didn’t know what to do. I did find another bus headed the same way I was. I decided to get there before that bus got there. I clasped my pants closed, which was impossible due to the length of the rip. It wasn’t enough to feel the breeze on my bare calf but I also heard the occasional looky-loo honk, or wolf-whistle. I tried a crab-walk with my face toward the road then decided against it. I got to the bus stop. It turned out to be late too. And so then I saw the original bus headed up the road. I tore across the road. At first I clasped what I could shut. But then I said forget this and ran as fast as I could (which isn’t very fast at all) in hopes the bus would stop at my original stop and let riders out. It didn’t. I slowed down. Out of breath. I waved frantically at the bus driver. I even held my torn pants shut in preparation for him to stop. But as he drove closer I saw
him, slow motion-like, shake his head. My mouth dropped as I saw him leave me behind.
By Bike So my stepdad William got me a bike. Just the other day I, behatted, rode my bicycle on an egg-run. In hindsight, a bicycle is not the best transportation for fragile things. I had put the eggs in a paper bag and rolled it three times, you know, to cushion it. I carried the eggs in one hand and held on to the handlebars with the other. It was a bumpy ride through the intersection on a windy day. Then sudden-like I felt my hat slide, on instinct I moved
www.foolishtimes.net my hand to my head as the hat blew off. I heard a nasty crack. Lordy, the eggs. I stopped in the middle of the intersection for my hat as the egg-bag seeped out an oily goo. The only reason I rode my bicycle on the errand was because I told myself I could. Even after I’d thought of the major disadvantages of the endeavor. But I didn’t listen to myself before and I was not going to start there in the intersection. I rode those broken eggs home, mad at the eggs for the audacity they had to break on my head. Darned cheap eggs. So, that’s why I stay in now.
While driving down Lighthouse Avenue with a friend, we come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out “Hey man, you’re going to get us killed!” He replies “Relax, my brother drives like this.” We come to another red light and he blazes right through again. “You’re going to get arrested” “Relax this is how my brother drives.” We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. “Dude, it’s green you can go.” “Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way.” Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at The Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighter by their hospitality and humor.
August 2017 causing all of her tires to deflate), she, laughing, told officers there was one other thing: She had a bearded dragon in her bra (where it was riding while she drove). The lizard was turned over to animal control.
By Chuck Shepherd
Can’t Possibly Be True • The inexplicable ease with which foreign hackers attack U.S. computers and security systems is finally grabbing the attention of officials. In a March Washington Post report, a technology expert from Britain’s King’s College London told a reporter of his astonishment to realize that the “security chips” on Congressional staff members’ identification badges are fake: The badge “doesn’t actually have a proper chip,” he said. “It has a picture of a chip.” Apparently, he added, “It’s (there) only to prevent chip envy.” • Suzette Welton has been in prison in Alaska for 17 years based almost solely on now-debunked forensic evidence, but the state’s lack of a clemency process means she cannot challenge her life sentence unless she proves “complete” innocence. Evidence that the fire that killed her son was “arson” was based not on science but on widely believed (but wrong) folklore on how intentional fires burn differently than accidental ones. (The bogus arson “trademarks” are similar to those used to convict Texan Cameron Todd Willingham, who suffered an even worse fate than Welton’s: Willingham was executed for his “arson” in 2004.) • Reverence for the lineage of asparagus continues in epic yearly Anglican church festivities in Worcester, England, where in April celebrants obtained a special blessing for the vegetable by local
priests as a costumed asparagus pranced through the street praising the stalks as representing “the generosity of God.” Critics (including clergy from other parishes) likened the parades to a Monty Python sketch, and “an infantile pantomime,” with one pleading plaintively, “Really, for (God’s) sake,” can’t the Church of England offer “more dignified” worship?
Leading Economic Indicators • Andrew Bogut, signed as a free agent by the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers in March and expected to be a key player in the team’s quest to defend its league championship, checked into his first game and played 58 seconds before crashing into a bench and breaking his leg. For that 58 seconds, the Cavs owe Bogut $383,000. • Jose Calderon signed as a free agent with the Golden State Warriors in March, but the NBAleading Warriors changed their mind (for unforeseen reasons) two hours after the deal and released Calderon. For his 119 minutes as a Warrior (6:06 p.m. to 8:05 p.m.), Calderon was paid $415,000.
Police Report • In May, as Taunton, Massachusetts, police were about to arrest Amy RebelloMcCarthy, 39, for DUI after she left the road and crashed through several mailboxes (with the crash
• Felicia Nevins complained to reporters in May that the Pasco County (Florida) Sheriff’s Office had improperly drawn attention to her on a matter of a purely personal nature—that she had called for help, concerned that the sperm she was storing for in-vitro fertilization (kept under liquid nitrogen in a thermos) might explode. Deputies had placed the details (but not her name) on the office’s Facebook page, but the Tampa Bay Times deduced her name from public sources.
Fine Points of the Law • In a legislative battle waged since a 1979 state court decision, some North Carolinians tried once again this year to change a state law that explicitly states that once a person (almost always, of course, a “female”) has “consented” to an act of sexual intercourse, that consent cannot be withdraw—even if the encounter turns violent. (The violence might be prosecuted as an “assault,” but never the more serious crime of “rape.”) Said state Sen. Jeff Jackson, whose bill to change the law failed in April to get a legislative hearing, “We’re the only state in the country where ‘no’ doesn’t mean ‘no.’”
• With limited trade, investment and ownership rights, many Cuban producers are forced to improvise in order to bring products to market -- like Orestes Estevez, a Havana winemaker, who finds condoms indispensable, according to an April Associated Press dispatch. The “most remarkable sight” the reporter saw was “hundreds of (open) bottles capped with condoms,” which inflate from gases as the fruit ferments. When fermentation is done, the condom goes limp. (The AP also noted that fishermen use condoms to carry bait far from shore and which also increase tugging resistance when nibbling fish fight the line.)
Awesome! • India’s Supreme Court approved an order recently that forced bars and liquor stores to close down if they were located less than 500 meters (1,640 feet) from state or national highways. India Times reported in April that the Aishwarya Bar in North Paravoor, Kerala, is still (legally) operating at its old location even though it is clearly within the 500-meter restricted area. The owner explained that since he owns the land behind the bar, too, he had constructed a “serpentine” wooden maze in back and front that requires any entering customer to take the equivalent number of steps it would take to walk 500 meters. (A tax office official reluctantly accepted the arrangement.)
Bright Ideas • Skills: In May, the British tribunal dealing with student cheating rejected the appeal of a law student who was caught taking an in-class exam with her textbook open (permitted) but containing handwritten notes in the margins -- not permitted, but written in invisible ink legible via the UV light on her pen.
Copyright 2017 Chuck Shepherd; distributed by Andrews McMeel Syndication,1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106; 816-581-7500
GEEK ON THE STREET
By Laura “LA” Sottile
Loosely Knotted “Getting it over with” or “Getting it underway.” “Getting it over with” is very much in style. Caring about others seems to be anti-American. But giving each other permission to use each other for material gain is “in.” Networking and Networthing? I fear the fishing line tugging up hard and alone I will hang by one lip. I was up and ready to fry my eggs. I noticed that the olive oil in the pan had acquainted itself into a smiley face. I thought this was going to be a great day! I crack the eggs open, the olive oil pops and burns my forearm. The two yolks turn my Smiley face into a bugeyed nutworthy networker I met once at a seminar. I’ll call him Mr. Bug-eyed. He was a consultant for a huge corporation he kept referring to as his “FAMIGLIA.” Mr. Bug-eyed grabbed my arm to spew his spiel. He explained how little he had to work to be such a great big success. I winced. I wondered how he measured success. If this sweaty, bug-eyed tense manner was a sign of success, I’d better get busy and look wet. I needed a fish bowl. It would probably have a blurred view of reality. By now my eggs are overcooked and look like a scab. I crunch down and the white of the egg, a natural binding agent, that may hold some answers for us. I wondered if Mr. Bug-eyed would go crunch if I bit into his hand while it was squeezing my arm! He asked me if I knew just how popular he was. “Did you know that my name is
on that bench!” He gushed. “What Bench?” I said. “THE BENCH! The first thing you see when you walk into the pavilion” He insisted. “AH! Yes, the one with the poor sleeping homeless person on it?” “WHAT!” He vanished. I thought that benches had your back.
I thought my little river of rapids was tough when I moved from my little town to the big city, but this is something else entirely. Good, he was gone. I really wanted to bury myself into this big elaborate party of buzzing bees in a honey hive. Business cards became large confetti, everywhere exchanged in a flurried furry. Voices swelling like the tide. Once the first speaker appeared on stage a dead silence, as if Jesus finally came back to us and was actually going to forgive us for never letting him go. I rummaged in my purse for my B-CARDS. By the time I found them it was too late. Everybody was perched sitting down on the edge of their seats. I took one look at my business cards and they were so plain compared to everyone else’s embossed, unique, one of a kind logos that would be permanently embedded in your mind. I guess selfie’s are passé, and BRANDING is in! My b-card could pass as a book mark at best. OMG, my inadequate feelings needed to
be extinguished in order to be part of this big mainstream. I thought my little river of rapids was tough when I moved from my little town to the big city, but this is something else entirely. Networking is a net being whirled out to sea and the key component is fishing in mass quantities. These schools of networking aficionados were sparkling, excited, buoyant, even giddy, in their vacuous stir. I took my paddle and I began upstream to my seat way in the middle. This current was powerful and huge boulders blocked my passage. Was I headed in the wrong direction? I was in the wrong isle! I was pushed out the other end as if on a conveyer belt and I landed on the red carpet. Ah! The red carpet, must be a sign I may be getting underway after all…? I stood up, picked off the carpet lint from my fins and took a look at this great expansion of fusion and in a snap it was all over. The house lights turned on and the mainstream began to pour out. I dashed to sit on THE BENCH as the flood roared passed. They got what they needed, a business card. Perhaps, the business cards are for wall papering their bathrooms, in case they need to call each other while pooping, or a crossword puzzle to connect names to feces. I dunno…. Water drops tip toed through the icy modern palazzo. The mainstream had left a petite flounderer in its wake. A lady in an orange nubby suit in tears and on her knees searching for the very important business card the big shot Grouper gave her. The one who promised to rise her from her bottom dwelling.
www.foolishtimes.net “May I assist?” I said, and she nodded. My goggle’s super vision caught glimpse of a persistent neon light. I found her ticket to stardom! The Grouper’s business card was battery operated. It flashed and said, “Come on Group on”. (OMG) She hugged me and zipped out. I hope I didn’t just send her to the sharks. But still a sublime fleeting exchange that made my goggles fog up. I began my upstroke to the entrance. As far as eggs go, I think I will try separating the whites from the yokes, no, then they will feel poached. Perhaps a scramble would suffice, no, that may cause confusion, a plain raw egg may be best. GOTS to go! LaLaugh Productions Performer / Published Author firstname.lastname@example.org
We once had Jonny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash. No hope and no jobs. Please don’t let Keven Bacon die!
What to Do With All that Sand? Some Slippery Suggestions
By Zachary Michael Jack
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yep. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cows say. Cows say who? No silly, cows say moo! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Broken pencil Broken pencil who? Ah never mind. It’s a pointless joke. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Mikey. Mikey who? Mikey won’t fit in this door! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Ya Ya who? Are you calling me? Knock, knock. Who’s there? Cargo Cargo who? Car go vroom vroom! Knock, knock. Who’s there? Lettuce Lettuce who? Lettuce in it’s cold outside!
It’s the Summer of Sand here in Monterey County, and now that the settlement’s in and the Marina sand mine has apparently agreed to a future shut down, there’ll soon be plenty of extra sand to spread around, or at least there may be in 2020…when the sand finally settles. If I may, some modest proposals for the coming surfeit of white stuff. 1) Let’s turn Sand City into… Sand City. Venice has its canals; New Orleans its cobblestone streets and pirate alleys. By God, Sand City should have its sand! Imagine the hay new-fangled developers could make if the sand mine dumped its dregs in the streets for an incomparable experience in high-end themepark living. Imagine the newly sandy lanes owners of high-dollar lofts and condos could stroll down. Imagine the delight of the upwardly mobile young families able to afford the convenience of a sandy picnic on the street right beneath their kitchen window. With sand in the streets the rest of us plebes could slide right into Costco and back-again, lickety split. 2) Free yourself from the ironclad shackles of big pharma’s little purple sleep pills…let’s bring the Sandman back to our anxietyridden sleep-deprived Peninsula. How long has it been since we sweetly importuned the drug-free Mister to hasten us to dreamland, crooning the trademark lines that conjure him instead of popping pills straight from the medicine chest? He’s an oldie but a goodie. Given all that excess sand we could re-form Mr. Sandman as a loose entity, incorporating him in
(where else?) Sand City, and usher him back into our sleepy lives. C’mon, big guy, bring us a dream. 3) Think of the sand traps the folks at Pebble Beach could build with the surfeit of sand coming our way. Heck, given the perennial water shortages in these parts, let’s flip the logic and build golf courses from sand, like they used to back in the old days of clambakes and sand greens. Consider the water the Peninsula would save! If we went back to putting surfaces made of excess sand from Marina, we’d switch to “green traps” rather than sand traps…little bunkers of verdant grass area golfers could curse while joyfully trying to extract their little white pearl from its clutches.
Let’s stage a Sand Olympics! The sand luge, sand skating, synchronized sandswimming, and, of course, sand volleyball. 4) Let’s stage a Sand Olympics! The sand luge, sand skating, synchronized sandswimming, and, of course, sand volleyball. But why stop with the thongs? Given the flooding we endured last winter, let’s host a sandbagging competition, with Peninsula mayors going head-tohead to see how many bags they can fill…proceeds (and bags) to be earmarked for future flood relief. 5) Our own Silicon Valley… South!
6) Sandapoloza. Think of it… sand in your shorts, sand in your hair, sand in your drawers, sand in your waistbands and hatbands. Sandy singers with perfecetly scratchy voices. Sand dancers paid for with sand dollars. 7) Hampered by his JudeoChristian affiliations and totally overworked, let’s supplement Santa with Sanda, his female counterpart and blithe spirit of the season. She visits area children’s homes bearing bags of sand and the generous harvest of the tides, slipping through cracks in our foundations rather than shimmying down our chimneys. Some fear her; others revere her; either way, and anyway, she leaves little sand bags of joy behind for children who are naughty, while leaving environmentally sustainable kelp bulbs behind in biodegradable stockings for children who are liberally nice. 8) Dump the fancy-schmancy Apple Watches and other digital gizmos that help us keep time. Think of all the hourglasses we’ll could fill and how coolly retro we would look withdrawing them from our breast pockets! So go the days of our lives… I for one am not at a loss for ideas on what to do with the promised sand-windfall coming in 2020. Come on, Peninsulans, the possibilities are as endless and growing as the dunes at Ford Ord, and limited only by our sandimaginations.
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from page 19
High end hotels in Monterey have turn-down service. I am new to this hotel concept and there was a woman who knocked on the door and said,” I’ve come to turn down your bed.” To which I replied, “Many women have in the past, why should you be any different?”
Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION Freedom Medical Transportation
Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com
TINY HOUSES Aﬀordable Housing in Monterey County. Design, Construction, Zoning/Building Code Compliance, Advocacy, Investment. Contact: email@example.com
DOG SITTING & WALKING Central Coast Pet Sitter
SCREENS Real Screens
Aﬀordable high quality Italian custom design for any doorway and window. Complimentary in-home demonstration. 831.241.4964 www.realscreens.com
No need to leave your pet alone. Since 2009, oﬀering dog walking, pet sitting & yes... cat walking too! Bonded & Insured 831.524.3675 TheCentralCoastPetSitter.com
ESSENTIAL OILS doTerra
The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St CERAMICS Monterey . 9-5pm M-F
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
To Promote On Top Notch: Email firstname.lastname@example.org or call 831.648.1038
MUSIC DJ Vossenova
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
SEX THERAPY WINDOW CLEANING Mr. Window
Professional residential window cleaning, pressure washing & gutter cleaning. Reliable & Punctual See what you’re been missing. 32 years experience. 831.917.0405
Intimacy, Sexuality & Gender Center Of Monterey
Stephen L. Braveman, LMFT. DST Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist #MFC28926 AASECT Certiﬁed Diplomate of Sex Therapy AASECT Certiﬁed Supervisor Gender & Sexual Abuse Specialist Sacred Intimacy*Tantra Educator 494 Alvarado Street, Suite A 831.375.7553
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Blonde Inventions Some Inventions are simply better left uninvented: Left handed pencil Clear correction fluid Black highlighter Waterproof tea bags Braille driving manual Dehydrated water Screen door on a submarine Helicopter ejection seat Air conditioning for motorcycle Wooden barbecue Glow-in-the-dark sun dial Gasoline fire extinguisher Battery-powered battery charger Fake rhinestones Fireproof matches Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses Mesh umbrella Solar-powered flashlight
The Plane Crash Three blond guys got into a plane and took off on a trip. On the way they had engine trouble and their plane crashed in the snowy mountains. Being resourceful and determined to survive, they drained some gasoline out of the tank and started a fire to keep warm. When they got thirsty, they found a piece of metal from the wreckage, filled it with snow and melted it. Later they got hungry and ripped some strips from the leather seats, dipped them in motor oil and fried them like bacon. Vacationers in the nearby Doubletree Hotel thought it was
the most amazing thing they’d ever seen.
How Do You Measure a Flagpole? Two blond guys were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked them what they were doing. “We’re supposed to measure the height of this flagpole,” said blond guy number one, “but we don’t have a ladder.” The woman took a wrench from her purse and loosened some bolts. The guys helped her lay down the flagpole. Then the woman got a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and said, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away. Blond guy number two shook his head and laughed. “Isn’t that just like a girl? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
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Paul's Drapery 160 18th St M-F: 10:00 am - 6:00 pm Sat: By Appointment Sun: Closed 831-372-4421 www.paulsdrapery.net
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
*Manufacturer’s mail-in rebate offer valid for qualifying purchases made 7/1/17—9/11/17 from participating dealers in the U.S. only. For certain rebate-eligible products, the purchase of multiple units of such product is required to receive a rebate. Rebate will be issued in the form of a prepaid reward card and mailed within 6 weeks of rebate claim receipt. Funds do not expire. Subject to applicable law, a $2.00 monthly fee will be assessed against card balance 6 months after card issuance and each month thereafter. Additional limitations may apply. Ask participating dealer for details and rebate form. **The PowerView App is available on Apple® iOS and Android™ mobile devices, and requires the PowerView Hub for operation. ©2017 Hunter Douglas. All rights reserved. All trademarks used herein are the property of Hunter Douglas or their respective owners. 17Q3NPDSSC3
Melanie in Concert
International Clown Week
Get foolish. The whole world is watching.
Aug 1- Sep 30
YAC Summer Art Show The YACsters are at it again producing great art during their 24 hour Art-a-thon. yacstudios.org
Hooray for Hollywood Embark on a 90-year journey of songs from the silver screen in a tribute to movie musicals. www.pacrep.org
S. V. Food & Wine
Start with a winemakers dinner and end the week in charming Oldtown for a treat of world class wine, food, music and weather. Salinasvalleyfoodandwine. com
Scottish Games & Celtic Fest
A celebration takes over the fairgrounds with athletic events, piped bands, dance, food and more. Bring the whole clan to be entertained. Montereyscotgames.com
August 5 Start at the Soledad Mission and run through an area defined by vineyards and mountain ranges. salinasvalleyhalfmarathon. org
Toad the Wet Sprocket
Still rockin’ in 2017. These Monty Python loving rockers come to town with hits like “Walk on the Ocean” and “All I Want.” goldenstatetheatre.com
New York’s smartest comedian comes to Monterey for the first time with his Let’s Get Awkward tour. Goldenstatetheatre.com
This colorful multi-talented guitar slinging comedian comes riding into town for the night. Goldenstatetheatre.com
Trip out with this “cosmic soul collective” at the gorgeous Fernwood Tavern. Fernwoodbigsur.com
Sand City West End Celebration
S. V. Half Marathon
Still touring since Woodstock. An original one-name singer-songwriter performs at the Fox in Oldtown. Local artist Dan Beck opens. All proceeds benefit Dorothy’s Place. Summeroflovesalinas.org
Monterey Car Week
Classic cars will take over the Peninsula ending with Concours d’Elegance. Seemonterey.com
More for Car Week:
Sand City will increase their population from 350 to 15,000 this weekend. A funky street party showcasing art, music, food and friends. westendcelebration.com
Hot Cars & Cool Nights American Graffiti comes to Echo Ave in Seaside. goldcoastrods.org
Aug 17- Sep 24
Forest Theater offers high-flying fun in this musical adaptation of the beloved children’s classic. www.pacrep.org
Bad Poetry Day
We all have that poetic friend who simply does not have what it takes. Some call it rap. Celebrate them today.
Aug 30- Sep 4
Monterey County Fair 81 years later, still going strong with food, rides, entertainment and people you only see once a year. Montereycountyfair.com
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
OPEN DURING CONSTRUCTION RESTAURANTS
Jose’s Mexican Restaurant – 1612 Contra Costa St. Mariscos Puerto Nueva – 580 Broadway DeMarco’s Pizzeria – 720 Broadway Ferdi’s Creole Restaurant – 740 Broadway Rosa’s La Villa Restaurant – 766 Broadway Erik’s DeliCafe - 840 Broadway MYO Yogurt – 840 Broadway Mountain Mike’s Pizza – 880 Broadway Carmel Valley Coffee – 880 Broadway Dickey’s Barbecue Pit – 880 Broadway Buffalo Wild Wings – 1553 Fremont St
RETAIL AND SERVICES
Demayo Auto Sales – 490 Broadway Dunes – 500 Broadway Seaside Chamber – 505 Broadway Self-Service Car Wash – 525 Broadway Hobby Planet – 530 Broadway Monterey Signs – 555 Broadway
Integrative Martial Arts – 565 Broadway Cuz’s Sportsman’s Club – 594 Broadway Premium Auto Parts – 615 Broadway Schroeder’s Auto Machine – 615 Broadway Ms Tryss Boutique – 630 Broadway MPVS Thrift Shop – 655 Broadway Duncan’s Appliance – 665 Broadway Central Coast Glass – 677 Broadway H T G T Thrift Store – 680 Broadway Broadway TV Service – 685 Broadway Alex Signs – 691 Broadway Seaside Florist – 695 Broadway Peninsula Vacuum – 704 Broadway Chez Christian Real Estate – 704 Broadway Mack Stove Co – 705 Broadway Superior Electric Co – 726 Broadway Goodwill Central Coast – 729 Broadway Denny’s Glass – 735 Broadway Seaside Pawn – 742 Broadway
Speedy Time Laundromat – 746 Broadway Kartunes Auto Stereo & Alarm – 767 Broadway Susan’s Seaside Spa – 775 Broadway Kim’s Oriental Market – 777 Broadway Seaside Beauty Salon – 785 Broadway Central Coast P & S – 786 Broadway Ashley Furniture – 799 Broadway Chase Bank – 800 Broadway Norman Naylor’s Kitchen Cabinets – 815 Broadway Automotive Paint Supply – 829 Broadway Metro PCS – 845 Broadway Four Seasons Sunrooms — 855 Broadway RE Power – 855 Broadway Andrew’s Printing - 855 Broadway First Impressions Party Supplies – 855 Broadway Carpet Caravan – 877 Broadway Angie’s Beauty Salon – 891 Broadway Mia Fashions – 895 Broadway
For More Information check out: www.LowerBroadwaySeaside.com Brought to you by the Seaside Chamber of Commerce. www.SeasideChamberOfCommerce.org // (831) 394-6501