I see your Dad is yelling at you from the stands.
Yeah, he thinks I’m going pro next year.
Expanded Event Calendar » Pg. 24 – 25
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead...........................Stevie P. Editorial Fool...........................Susie Q. Art Fool.........................Mama Morgan Intern Fool............................Cynthia P. Sales Fool................................Sadie O.
The Chucklehead Speaks We had a little fun with beards in the April issue. Sorry ladies that we didn’t poke fun at your facial hair. We just couldn’t come up with family friendly humor to broach the subject. I am all in on beards. I didn’t shave for a few days and decided to grow it out. I knew there may be a few challenges and reality set in quickly while standing on Alvarado Street, a homeless person handed me a dollar. My life is about going all in. If Ronald Regan didn’t close down Agnews and the other facilities that house likeminded people, I was planning on residing there. Go all in. I was all in on my marriage until she decided she wasn’t. Maybe she didn’t like my early retirement plan at Agnews. I hear the food was good. Go all in. Don’t go half way, go all the way. Grow a beard? All in. Want to find love? Go all in. find trouble? All in. In trouble because of love? This comes with the territory and can’t be avoided.
Nike’s tag line, ‘Just do it’ sounds wimpy. Going all in is more meaningful and has no wiggle room or grey area. There isn’t time to look around to get permission. Getting a note from your Mom isn’t an option. All in to getting up early. Go all in to a gym membership and actually use it. All in to not letting work interfere with day time beer drinking. Looking in the mirror, my beard is not the color is used to be when I first grew facial hair to help stay warm during east coast winters. It’s now platinum with a dash of pepper. It also itches and I feel like I need to wash my face every hour. I’m told it looks distinguished. Facial hair can deceive people into saying things they don’t mean. I’m going to shave it off and be done with it. It was nice while it lasted. It felt good to be all in until being all in doesn’t work anymore. I’m going to start shaving every day again and I’m just going to do it.
Stevie P. / email@example.com
Tony Albano, Bini, Charles Birimisa,Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Craig Hubler, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes Dana Larabee, Jay Russell, Mary Tompsett, Monty Truitt
Andre Adams, Will Bullas, Max Cannon, Roger Freed, Chris Myers, Chuck Scardina, David Schmidt, Monte Truitt
Foolish Times • P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942 831.648.1038 • www.foolishtimes.net
Headquarters ...and don’t forget gifts for him! - Newly Remodeled -
Fremont Adult Book Store 2116 N Fremont St. Monterey 831.372.9410 Open Daily 8am-4am Arcade • Nu-Art Movie Theater New Couples Private Theater Booth www.fremontadultstore.com A “women owned and operated” business
Presenting Sponsor & Official After Party Host The Jade Lounge would like to invite you to
MAIN FESTIVAL TICKETS
18 YEARS OF GREAT BEER
MONTEREY COUNTY FAIR & EVENT CENTER
‘19 (831) 372-5863
firstname.lastname@example.org The Monterey Beer Festival Benefits the 501c3 non profit Monterey County Fair Heritage Foundation
The Line Up 11:45–1:15 PM DJ Fredo 1:45–3:15 PM 3:45–5:00 PM The All In Band
$45.00 in advance or $50.00 at the gate. Admission includes souvenir tasting glass Designated Driver Tickets available: $20.00 SPECIAL VIP AREA! $70.00 in advance or $80.00 at the gate. Beat the crowd and come in early at 11:30 am to enjoy the VIP area, Souvenir tasting glass, Private Bathrooms and complimentary food!
FESTIVAL AND TICKET INFO www.montereybeerfestival.com
Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations
Monterey County is home to awardwinning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!
...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
PROMOTE YOUR RESTAURANT HERE 831.648.1038
Gino’s Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
MEXICAN Jose’s A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
JAPANESE Wakatobi Japanese Grill Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
PUBS Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
SALAD BAR Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
BBQ Grove Market Chicken, ribs, sandwiches with all the sides. Daily specials, catering small or large parties. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. 831.375.9581 grovemarketgrocery.com
By Rex Keyes
Everywhere a Sign
Sign, sign, everywhere a sign, telling you to do this, do that, except for the following funny signs. - Outside a Muffler Shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.” - A Sign in a Vancouver Shoe Repair Shop: “We will heel you, we will save your sole, we will even dye for you.” - Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones at your cervix.” - In a Podiatrist’s Office: “Time wounds all heels.” - On a Septic Tank Truck: “Yesterday’s meals on wheels.” - At an Optometrist’s Office: “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.” - At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: “Invite us to your next blowout.” - On an Electrician’s Truck: “Let us remove your shorts.” - On a Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push.” - At a Car Dealership: “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.” - In a Veterinarian’s Waiting Room: “Be back in five minutes, sit! stay!” - In a Restaurant Window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.” - In Front of a Funeral Home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” - At a Propane Filling Station: “Thank heaven for little grills.” - In a Chicago Radiator Shop: “Best place in town to take a leak.” - And the best one for last…. - Sign on the back of another septic tank truck: “Caution, this truck is full of political promises.”
There are signs that summer is here in Monterey County. Coastal fog or low clouds roll in at evening time and roll out in late morning. There are a heck of a lot more tourists here Monday through Friday. The temperature, if we’re lucky, may actually climb into the 80s along the coast except for King City and south which climbs easily into the 90s. Carmel Beach gets packed and it is difficult to find a parking space. All the Denny’s are especially crowded for breakfast. Senior citizens flood Costco for shopping just before noon when they begin to give out free food samples. Okay, they do that in the winter too! Barbeques are on display for sale at Home Depot and Ace Hardware. Of course there is one more sign in which one will see on senior citizens and that is a continuing smile. That smile is because their house in which they lived in for decades in California has increased several hundred thousand dollars in value. And when they go to sell it, it will be a great source of income on their retirement funds. I will be looking for a sign too!! What do I barbeque on the 4th of July? Will it be hot dogs, hamburgers, steak, chicken or ribs? Of course that sign for steak or ribs may be the on sale sign at Safeway or Star Market. Happy Independence Day to all!!
Parmesan Risotto with Broccoli Rabe INGREDIENTS • • • •
• • • • •
1/4 lb broccoli rabe 1/2 cup parsley 1/4 cup heavy cream 2 cups chicken stock
1/2 ucp rice 1/4 cup white wine 1 Tbs unsalted butter 1 shallot, minced 1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese
1. Place Broccoli rabe in boiling water to blanch. 2. Remove and drain. 3. In blender, add broccoli rabe, parsley and heavy cream.Blend until smooth. 4. Melt butter and sauté shallots for a few minutes. 5. Add uncooked rice and wine, stirring constantly. 6. Lower heat and add chicken stock. 7. Cook rice to al denté. 8. Add broccoli rabe purée. 9. Top with grated cheese.
MPC Theatre Company Charitable Trust presents
‘69 A Multimedia Experience Live Music • Images • Storytelling Nixon The Beatles Led Zeppelin Moonwalk Johnny Cash Altamont The Rolling Stones The Who Manson Santana Cream and more!
MPC Theatre Main Stage
July 12, 13 @ 7:30 pm; July 14 @ 2:00 pm Fundraiser for the MPC Theatre Company Charitable Trust
For more information:
mpctheatre.com • 831-646-4213
By Bini Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram
Great balls of fire! Everybody is on edge! They sense the war going on inside you. You want to help others in crisis, that’s understood, but what about your interior bedlam? I know you have dreams of victory. Concern yourself first, with your own precious hide or you’ll be gone with the wind. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull
Fiddle de dee! Why fix it if it ain’t broke you say, yet you’d like to improve things without really changing. This is a battle that resembles beating yourself with a cornstalk, fiddle de dumb! You can still hold on to sweet memories such as Magnolia’s in the moonlight. Simply mix in some texting with that chivalrous perfumed air before you are left behind in the bull dung dust. Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins
Such rarefied swaying ~ you are a lullaby in a hammock. Loving that constant change of scenery, to, fro, high & low. OUCH! Yet when pinned to the rose bush the only device to subdue that crazed field hen responsiveness is to administer chloroform. Take heed Gem, I hear it’s a rush! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab
Such an elaborate array of defenses on your BIRF-DAY! What on God’s Earth are you snapping about?! Are ya feelin’ kinda poorly, gangrenous or panicky? That battle all up inside you must surrender to another
year, otherwise the skies rain death and all else divine falls silent. Time to pucker up, be kissed plenty hard, and to fix your gaze upon the violet candle flame. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion
Your instinct for getting attention is a majestic intervention! I do declare as the Leo president Clinton has 22 planets in Leo, while we mignons of society only bare 12. His Cuppeth Runneth over, as does yours, and you don’t even have to lie, cheat, spill or drill for it...glory be the merciful lions! Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin
Show your bosom, you are a vegetable in season! You have been hand picked to ripen before your next root removal. You have a chance at completing everything. This is a slice, a turn to shine, don’t make me want to wish you into a pork rind. Full steam your head! Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales
Dareth I say it’s quittin time! You’re working it too hard. That goodie goodie charm, thick as molasses is ringing everybody’s bell into a shudder. Relationships are not built on brick & mortar, they are merely entwined. I know’s you hate to be alone, but you can always rely on eating barbecue in the warm, still, country twilight and then gingerly say, Ya’ll come back now! You can start your cursing once they’re passed the fence.
Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier
In this case, it just ain’t fittin to peek under the petticoat! Your complex mind makes it difficult to skim the surface. You may want to curb your inquisitiveness with a shallow dive on this next venture. I hear that skin flakes are a treasure chest just poised for deep analysis!
Obstinate as a mule! In battle, long after you’ve crossed enemy lines, you are still in contemplation. How independent are you to be? The world around you has fallen to pieces under your compass, and you’re wavering. As God is my witness, tomorrow, usually, is another day. Celebrate and stop disturbing the peace.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer
You shall stay unfettered forever, no strings attached, not even scraps of hand-spun wool. You are landing on opportunities where there is no Terra Firma...a carpetbagger of sorts these days? Shying away from deep scarlet emotions, runs you at risk of an unraveling tear across your heart. In the end, frankly, WHO will give a damn? Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat
Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes
Oh Great Pale Tuna throw away them crutches! In, as usual, a bizarre, though perhaps apt, twist of fate, the world you’ve been trying to escape from has become the world you’ve been trying to escape to! Now these turbulent spherical energies have finally synthesized into stable chaos. Oh Fishies, like I said to Aquarius; tomorrow is another day...in case all this goes straight to hell.
Don’t stand there like a scared goat, remember you are a born climber. You have reached the top! Do you have a reflective instrument to see the real you? A mirror will do, and glory is the view. The war is over, you know now what it was ALL for?
If a man is talking in the forest and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
By Debbie Harris
Love & Heartbreak
When I first saw him, I was captivated, in awe. What a specimen of a man—tall, broad shoulders, wearing a baggy yellow jumpsuit with a red and white striped long sleeve shirt. His flaming red hair spoke passion in contrast to his flour-white face. Was he Irish? What struck me most were his big red nose and huge shoes. My curiosity was peaked. I’d heard the sayings about what a big nose and/or large feet indicated and I wondered if it were true. And he had both! I was smitten. I watched him greet children where he worked. They flocked around him to receive a hug or to squeeze his nose. They loved him
and he charmed them and, thus, charmed me. I stood in line with the children to meet him, waiting my turn. When we shook hands, our eyes met and I swear a small sparkle like a sesame seed flew from his eyes. It was love at first sight. We had a whirlwind courtship during which he brought me balloons every day and had me try everything on the menu. He welcomed me into his world. We were married just two weeks later. Mayor McCheese officiated and our ceremony was held in the lobby near the menu board. When McCheese asked me if I took him as my husband, I shouted, “Yes, oh yes! Combo #1 to go!” Then he
asked me if I wanted a hot apple pie with my order. I thought it was part of the ceremony so I nodded. The Fry Kids were the flower girl and ring bearer, only she carried French fries and he brought a small onion ring. It was greasy, but I kept it on my finger. The best man was the Hamburgler, who not only stole all the centerpieces, but took all food before the reception started. Not to worry, we hit the drive thru on the way to the honeymoon.
When we shook hands, our eyes met and I swear a small sparkle like a sesame seed flew from his eyes. The honeymoon consisted of eating chicken nuggets with sauce and frolicking through play structures at each of my husband’s work sites. He traveled a lot but I was always happy when his platypus red shoes with the miles of yellow shoelaces were under our bed. Oh the ecstasy! But it didn’t take long for things to start falling apart.
Our entire diet consisted of only McFood. I gained so much weight I no longer could fit on the play yard slide. I had been Supersized. I wanted to eat somewhere else, but he said no. He said he’d taken an oath for life on the job and he couldn’t betray that oath. What if someone took a picture of him eating somewhere else, or, worse yet, shopping for healthy food at a grocery store??? His reputation would be ruined. I asked him about the vow he’d made to me, but he brushed me off to go visit the sick children at houses his company build for them and their families. At that point, I knew it was over. He cared more about his work than about me. He was a McWorkaholic. I filed for divorce, a divorce I never wanted. I wanted my man, his white-gloved hands and his big, oversized red lips. I would miss them, but I had to save myself. In the settlement I was offered half of the yellow arch, but I declined. It was the arch that brought us together and the arch that drove us apart. I’m alone now, surfing the dating sites. I’ve become interested in this one fellow. He has only a head shot, showing a pointy bearded chin, a mustache, and wearing a crown. I think his last name is King. Oh to love again . . .
I need to get on medication so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side effects.
DILLIGS!? By Mary Tompsett
SWORDS, STUDS, & STUNTS
Whooee, what a lucky girl I are! My brain’s prefrontal “smart-ass” lobes keep chugging along despite regular lobotomies over the years. I’m hard-wired to blurt out a joke and see if it will fly. Ah, ’tis better to have blurted and crashed than to have never blurted at all. I work at our local Habitat ReStore, and yesterday a funeral home called, hoping to donate...chairs. Sigh. Chairs. So, of course, I just had to chime in with, “Care to give any embalming equipment?” No go. But it never hurts to ask, ’cause those babies sell like hotcakes. Except for gas stoves, nothing moves faster than our cadaverrelated inventory. On that note, gather ’round for rainbows of hope and sticky fairy kisses that fill the gutters of this advice column, DILLIGS: “Does It Look Like I Give a Sh*t?!?” QUESTION: I’m embarrassed to ask, but how do I win a sword fight? DILLIGS: Sweetie, there are no stupid questions. Fortunately, there are many stupid answers and I have a huge supply. During life’s many sword fights—lord knows, the ones involving seniors are the bloodiest—the secret to
winning is quite simple. Always use a longer sword than your opponent has. I learned this back in college fencing competitions where I lacked...what’s the word.... oh yeah, skill. But waving from the team bus and strutting around in all that cool gear made up for the endless humiliation. A few tips: Ditch the pirate fantasy, lose the billowing shirt, and leave the parrot at home. Discontinue the blood thinners. And think twice about eye patches. Even one is a bad idea.
Except for gas stoves, nothing moves faster than our cadaver-related inventory. QUESTION: I bought a used stud sensor at the local ReStore. How can I be sure it still works? DILLIGS: Hey, I remember that sale! You rushed in with a couple of gal pals, desperate for a specialty tool called a Butt Gage. Weight Watchers cleaned us out of those so I showed you an electronic stud sensor. To test it, drive past a road crew of tanned hunkmeisters. The heat from its calibrations should melt
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Steve.
the plastic knobs in your car. And at the beach, a good stud sensor will vibrate right off your blanket and crawl across the sand to the nearest lifeguard. QUESTION: I’m dreading a road trip with relatives who talk nonstop. Help! DILLIGS: You can be polite but also direct. So learn to jump from a moving vehicle. The first dozen times can be tricky. Avoid oncoming traffic, and leap from one of the curbside passenger seats. Warning: All bets are off when cattle are crossing the road. If you are driving or sitting behind the driver, you’ll need to crawl over anyone sprawled
and sleeping against a safer door. Statistically, this move is more successful if you’ve already unbuckled your seat belt. As you jump from the car, remember to kiss your eyeglasses, hearing aids, and removable dentures goodbye as they catapult from your body. The landing may be a wee “ouchy,” so move your arms and legs in a “swimming” motion. Wait...uh...that might be how to survive an avalanche…? Copyright 2019
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
Shortly after take-off on our flight from Dublin to New York, a flight attendant made the following announcement, “Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. We have 103 passengers on board and received only 40 dinner meals. Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our seven hour flight.” Her next announcement came about twp hours later, “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.” Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
Yell for Help
Three blondes are in an elevator when the elevator suddenly stops and the lights go out. They try using their cell phones to get help, but have no luck. Even the phones are out. After a few hours of being stuck with no help in sight, one blonde says to the others, “I think the best way to call for help is by yelling together.” The others agree with the first, so they all inhale deeply and begin to yell loudly, “Together, together, together.”
A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters UFO were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off. “Do you realize what just happened?” the station owner finally uttered. “Yeah,” said the blonde attendant. “So?” “Didn’t you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde. “So?” “Didn’t you see the letters UFO on the side of that vehicle?!” “Yeah,” repeated the blonde attendant. “So?” “Don’t you know what UFO means?!” The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. “Good grief, boss! I’ve been working here for five years. Of course I know what UFO means it means Unleaded Fuel Only.
Magic Mirror There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world,” and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, “I think...” and it sucked her in.
Our three year old son is sitting on the toilet. Just about every 15 seconds, he grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on the top of his head with his right. I’m amused but can’t figure out why he’s doing it. “Why are you hitting yourself on the head?” My son replied, “It works for ketchup.”
9th Annual 11
9th Annual 9th 9thAnnual Annual
Festival & Surrounding Events
August 2, 2019 August 3, 2019 Winemaker’sFestival Dinner Wine TourEvents & Lunch Festival &&Surrounding Surrounding Events Festival& Surrounding Events Featured Winemaker: Urban Wine Row Tasting in Marina & Surrounding Events Paul Clifton with Hahn Winery August 2,2,2019 2019 August 3,3,2019 2019 August August August2, 2019 August3, 2019 August 10, 2019 Winemaker’s Dinner Wine Tour Lunch Winemaker’s Dinner Wine Tour August 3, 2019 Winemaker’s Dinner Wine Tour&&&Lunch Lunch August 9, 2019 Food & Wine Festival Featured Winemaker: Urban Wine Row Tasting ininMarina Marina Featured Winemaker: Urban Wine Row Tasting Wine Tour & Lunch Featured Winemaker: Urban Wine Row Tastingin Marina & Surrounding Events Kick-Off Party @ 5:00 p.m. 11:30 a.m. 4 p.m. Paul Clifton with Hahn Winery Paul Winery Urban Winewith Row Tasting in Marina PaulClifton Clifton withHahn Hahn Winery CSUMB@Salinas City Center Salinas10, City2019 Center August August nery August10, 10,2019 2019 August 9, 3, 2019 2019 August Food & Wine Festival August 9, Food Wine August 10, 2019 August 9,2019 Food&& WineFestival Festival Wine Tour & Lunch Kick-Off Party @ 5:00 p.m. 11:30 a.m. p.m. Salinas Valley and Wine is a production of Oldtown Salinas Kick-Off Party @Food p.m. 11:30 --4-4the Food &Wine Wine Festival Kick-Off Party @5:00 5:00 p.m. 11:30a.m. a.m. 4p.m. p.m. Urban Row Tasting in Marina CSUMB@Salinas CityCenter Center Salinas City Center Foundation. Benefiting “More Produce In Schools,” a program of the CSUMB@Salinas City Salinas City Center 11:30 a.m. 4 p.m. CSUMB@Salinas City Center Salinas City Center nery Grower-Shipper Association Foundation. LIVE Festival entertainment by er Salinas Center August City 10, 2019 Monterey Jazz Festival. Festival photography by Mag One Productions. Salinas Valley Food and Wine is a production of the Oldtown Salinas Salinas Valley Food Wine Salinas Valley Foodand and Wineisisa aproduction productionofofthe theOldtown OldtownSalinas Salinas Food & Wine Festival Foundation. Benefiting “More Produce In Schools,” a ofofthe the Foundation. Benefiting “More Produce In Schools,” a program Wine is a production of the Oldtown Salinas Event Info: “More www.salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com Foundation. Benefiting Produce In Schools,” aprogram programof the . 11:30 a.m. & - 4Ticket p.m. Grower-Shipper Association Foundation. LIVE Festival entertainment by Grower-Shipper Association Foundation. LIVE entertainment More In email@example.com Schools,” aAssociation program of the Grower-Shipper Foundation. LIVEFestival Festival entertainmentbyby ter Produce Salinas City Center • 831.758.0725 Monterey Jazz Festival. Festival photography by Mag One Productions. n Foundation. LIVE Festival entertainment by Monterey Jazz Festival Monterey JazzFestival. Festival. Festivalphotography photographyby byMag MagOne OneProductions. Productions. tivalis photography by Mag One Productions. Event & Ticket Info: www.salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com Wine a production of the Oldtown Salinas Event Event&&Ticket TicketInfo: Info:www.salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com www.salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com firstname.lastname@example.org More Produce Insalinasvalleyfoodandwine@gmail.com Schools,” a program of the www.salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com ••831.758.0725 email@example.com •831.758.0725 831.758.0725 firstname.lastname@example.org Foundation. LIVE Festival entertainment by • 831.758.0725 Illustration: Jose G. Ortiz- Graphic Design: Josue D. Rubio stival photography by Mag One Productions.
www.salinasvalleyfoodandwine.com email@example.com • 831.758.0725
CROWN & ANCHOR
Thank you all for reading and supporting our advertisers
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Year of the Pig
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The 4th of July is a special holiday and one that the federal government can’t mess with. They consolidated and moved other holidays to a Monday, but the 4th is the 4th and will be forever. Monterey has a special place in American history and is a great place to celebrate. Our natural air conditioning from the ocean provides relief from the sweltering heat. Cool temperatures, cool minds. If you’re an early riser, Monterey firemen prepare a pancake breakfast at the Pacific Street Station. There are a few things firemen are good at; putting out fires and making pancakes. Downtown Monterey has their annual parade with more than 75 entries. The parade is staged on Hartnell Street by the post office. It starts on the corner of Munras and Alvarado Streets, makes a left on Del Monte and another left on Calle Principal ending up back at the staging area. Up to 20,000 people come out to watch the festivities. This is the eighth year that Old Monterey Business Association has organized the parade. Colton Hall is the place to be after the parade. A landmark in our city which was once the
capital of Alta California and is where California was born. There will be food vendors, games for the kids and music. A well-organized event with a small town feel. California’s first Constitution was drafted in October 1849 in the meeting room at Colton Hall. As the day rolls on, you can catch an exciting tribute “165 years of John Philip Sousa” performed by the Monterey Pops. This annual concert is at the acoustically perfect Golden State Theater and it’s absolutely free. Did someone say fireworks? The City of Seaside did and residents on the Monterey side of Laguna Grande said, “Not in our neighborhood.” City officials should have looked over the fence to see what was over there before announcing their plan to shoot off fireworks so close to them. Good news. Instead of scrapping the project, they moved it to Bayonet and Back Horse Golf Course. This is the same place where it was held last year. It may seem like a long day but with a little planning, you can attend all five of these events without being on OCD overload. Give yourself plenty of time and either walk, ride your bike or take MST. Unlike larger cities where you’re just a face in the crowd, you’re likely to see your neighbors, probation officer, coworkers, friends and ex-boyfriend somewhere during the day. Only in Monterey!
Sucks to be YOU!
MONTEREY COUNTY FAIR 2019
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Fried Chicken & Family Reunions By Jann Gargiulo Summer back East always reminds me of Family Reunions. I think most of the women in my family start preparations right after the one last year. If you read this every month then you know that I am from a very large farm family. The rule of thumb on how much food to bring was this: you bring enough for each member of your family attending and then one meal more. So, that was 15 meals total! I can still hear those chickens clucking in my head today! Mamma used the sharpest knife she had; Dad had just sharpened it. She sent me, a 7-year-old, into the house to get it and bring it to her. She told me how sharp it was, and that I was to WALK no matter what. “No matter what” was a dog named Blackie. He was the size of a lab, he had some lab in him but he also had some shepherd in him and that’s the part I didn’t like. He loved to jump up on people … ANY people, even me, especially if the person ran! So I stood at the doorway of the house and looked around, no Blackie. Good! I started walking gently over to my mom just the way she told me. I got about half-way there when
out of the corner of my eye I saw something black coming FAST, then I heard the bark and my instincts took over; I ran like the wind!! Mamma’s yelling for me to stop, some of the other kids are yelling something, but I just heard that barking and saw that black streak catching up to me. Then, suddenly — down I went and Blackie too! I had enough sense to hold the knife way out away from me as far as I could, just like Daddy taught me. Good thing too; it saved us both from getting cut.
Now Blackie was chasing the chickens all over the farm! And the kids were chasing Blackie. It was so funny! But when Mom hopped up to come tend to me (and Blackie) she upset the baskets with the chickens in them. Now Blackie was chasing the chickens all over the farm! And the kids were chasing Blackie. It was so funny! But, Mamma didn’t think so. Next, all of us kids gathered the chickens together and put them
under the baskets like mamma said. Then we sat on our assigned basket waiting for the kill. I want to tell you the rest of the preparations, but they are NOT what one would call “politically correct” and I don’t want the magazine to get in to any trouble, so for now we’ll leave that part out (but it will be in my new book). The reunion was great. The food fantastic. We all shared each other’s food and I’m glad we did. Some of those Aunts were really great cooks. Not that my mom wasn’t, she made the BEST fried chicken! There was never any of her chicken left over. But we ate potato salad and coleslaw for a week! It was good to see those I only see once a year — all those cousins whose names I can’t remember but whose faces I will never forget. For one day, all day, we got to play and run around and hide and just about anything else we wanted to do. Today I just “see” them on social media. I’m so glad we have those memories. I hope you parents today are giving your children good memories too. You are, if you are in them.
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Previously: Lester Krasse’s presentation to Monster Mart execs bombs-- until a real live T. Rex pursues a teenager to the roof of the building where Krasse has his office. Malcolm D. Monster promises him two million dollars to deliver the creature for the grand opening of his new Salinas store. The military arrive, but the Army’s cannon fire proves ineffective and the creature leaps from the rooftop, still clutching the teenage boy, to wreak havoc on Oldtown, Salinas. Air Force jets finally subdue it with missiles tipped with tranquilizer darts. Undaunted, Krasse cobbles together a fake T. Rex commercial hoping to win over Monster Mart. Next, local media reps begin courting him, one of whom is KTOM radio’s vivacious Sue Foxx. Mr. Monster nixes Krasse’s fake dinosaur, insisting on the real deal, only now the dinosaur and teenager are being held at the county jail...
K rasse brightened. He had an idea. He clicked off the radio and raced to his car. A plan to make the dinosaur his was jelling in his convoluted mind. He chuckled turning on the ignition, then laughed aloud as he gunned the engine and sped to the Monterey County Jail on Natividad Road. He found the gray concrete structure beset by two armies: one of soldiers with tanks and machine guns, the other comprised of reporters, TV camera crews, and hordes of curiosity-seekers. Krasse approached a deputy guarding the entrance. “I need to see the sheriff right away,” he said with a touch of impatience in his voice. “You and everyone else,” came the curt response. “Listen,” Krasse went on. “I just heard him on the radio. He needs to unload that dino#8-25
COPYRIGHT 2019 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
saur. Badly, the way I get it. And I’ve got the perfect solution. Better let me talk to him.” The deputy raised his eyebrows. He activated the nearby intercom and spoke to someone inside. Moments later a voice buzzed back. The deputy turned to Krasse. “This way,” he said and opened the gate to escort him through the entry door and down a dimly lit corridor and out to the inmates’ exercise area. Sheriff “Bud” Naylor paced back and forth contemplating the prostrate Tyrannosaurus Rex. He was a lean dour-faced man with curly brown hair. In a matter of weeks, he was up for re-election with a campaign to get rolling. This business with the dinosaur was an unexpected headache, a king-size nuisance he wanted wrapped up somehow and out of his hair as soon as possible. However, the law
Written and Illustrated by Dana B. Larrabee dalar firstname.lastname@example.org and public safety must come first. At least, it had to appear that way. “I hope you’ve got good news for me, mister,” he muttered. “My accounting people say it’s gonna cost the County a fortune to feed this thing when it wakes up.” “And you don’t have the room or the personnel to cope with a situation like this, either,” Krasse put in. “Do you, Sheriff?” “No sir, we don’t. Maybe we should just shoot her between the eyes and be done with it!” Krasse was horrified. “Goodness, no need for that! Besides, I’m here to rid you of that loathsome burden! Sheriff, you release that creature to me and I’ll kick in five-thousand bucks towards a building fund to get the larger jail you guys need!” He paused to let that sink in. “Just one thing though-- do you take personal checks?” Sheriff Naylor watched the ad man withdraw a well-worn checkbook from his inside jacket pocket. “Of course,” he said, brightening. “Say, do you know anything about the kid she’s holding?” “Nope. Looks familiar though.” The ad man scribbled out a check. “Just so we understand each other, our deal doesn’t include him. The kid stays put.” He tore off the check and pressed it into the palm of the astounded sheriff. “I’ll be back for the dinosaur.”
“You mean GODZELDA. That’s what the inmates call her.” “Godzelda,” Krasse repeated thoughtfully and chuckled. “I like that. I’ll be back for her later with a truck.” Naylor pocketed the check. “You’ll need a big one,” he said. Next issue:
Episode 9: Sixty-Four Dollar Question
All previous episodes available at www.foolishtimes.net
SCHLEPS IN SEARCH OF BARGAINS By Ted Gargiulo
Q: What is a cat’s skin used for? A: To hold the cat together. Q: What is a midget skunk called? A: A shrunk skunk. Q: What kind of person loves cocoa? A: A coconut. Q: How do you spell Mississippi? A: The state or the river? Q: What does the winner of the race lose? A: His breath. Q: What ocean animals go to Hollywood? A: A Starfish. Q: What is the price of the moon? A: Four quarters. Q: What beverage do golfers drink? A: Tea. Q: What artist can’t you trust? A: A sculptor, because he is always chiseling. Q: What is always coming but never arrives? A: Tomorrow.
Ever feel as though you lived in a different universe from the rest of society? That’s how I feel whenever I’m forced to shop for a better deal on our internet service. It makes no difference how diligently my wife and I research the market, as the offers we’ve dredged up lately have less and less to do with what we want, and more with what everybody else apparently wants. Or rather, what today’s pop culture mongers ram down our throats.
Far as I’m concerned, 300 times crap is still crap, and you can keep it! Some years back, we had the rare fortune of nailing an internet plan we thought we could live with, knowing full well that once the introductory offer expired (as introductory offers invariably do), our provider would gouge us up the wazoo (which it has). We also realized that if the world hadn’t blown itself up by then (sadly, it hasn’t), we’d be going through this odious negotiating process all over again. That’s where we are right now, and it’s not pretty. One thing you discover, when shopping for a low-cost internet and/or entertainment contract these days, is that consumers are rarely offered a “line item veto.” There’s no value without a bundle, no such thing as paying only for what you need. It’s all-or-nothing. Suppose that all you wanted was a tuna fish sandwich—BUT you were required to lease the entire seafood packing plant, along with the wharf, the marina, and
a couple of trawlers thrown in for good measure. Otherwise, no deal. And for all that, you might not even get the freaking tuna you wanted in the first place! That’s the kind of rigged game we’ve been roped into. Imagine the money those cable moguls would lose if all their sales were a la carte! Instead, they inundate us with all this prepackaged content—stations we’ve never heard of, programs that don’t interest us. It’s their way of justifying the cruel and unusual costs they impose on schleps like us. And yet, of the precious few channels we used to enjoy, three were dropped from the current lineup. Cute, huh! The consumer can pick a card, but the provider controls the deck. It’s the old “MAY-AS-WELL” philosophy, as in, “We’re going to charge you this insane fee every month for our standalone internet
service anyway, so for a few bucks more, you MAY AS WELL accept our television bundle. For that matter, you MAY AS WELL add our phone service to that bundle (something else we don’t need) and save even more.” In other words, if you’re looking for a cheap, uncomplicated plan, you’re swimming against the current, because an entertainment package is the only deal you’re likely to find. “Hey, 300 channels, plus voice an internet! Look at all we’re giving you!” Giving me??? Are you joking? You guys ain’t giving me anything! It’s bad enough to sit and play dead in front of the tube each night, watching shows others have chosen for me. Don’t insult me further by claiming you’re improving my “viewing experience,” or doing me a favor by saving me money on stuff I don’t want, didn’t request and can’t even stand. I’m sick of hearing about what most people like. I’m not “most people.” Far as I’m concerned, 300 times crap is still crap, and you can keep it!
1) How do you pick a vacation spot? 2) What is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten on vacation? 3) When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Bob #1 1) I enjoy going to places that make me appreciate coming home. 2) I was in Hong Kong and wanted something that reminded me of home. The idea of pizza sounded good. Unfortunately the crust was stuffed with cream cheese and fish eggs. I was the ugly American and puked. 3) I wanted to be an astronaut. I didn’t realize that these guys were well educated and in good physical shape. That was a deal breaker. Robert 1) I like to travel by car. I’m not afraid to fly but the landing and taking off scare me. 2) I was at a dinner in the south and ordered a garbage plate. Home fries, macaroni salad, red hot dogs, Italian sausage, fried chicken, some unrecognizable fish, ham, cut up grilled cheese and eggs. It was topped off with onions, mustard and hot sauce. All in one big pile. 3) I always wanted to be old. I accomplished that.
HELL ON MIRT H!
T E E' s for
FEE D THE T.R EX!
Dinner for 2 at the Black Bear Diner plus two Godzelda Tee Shirts! 2nd Prize: Two Godzelda tee’s!
How to : ENTER
READ “GODZELDA DESTROYS SALINAS” in the
ho enters Everyone w ool artistally c receives a re lda poster! ze signed God
Bob #2 1) My budget doesn’t allow me to go far. I live here where lots of people vacation. On my days off, I follow tourists around to see what they do. 2) Vacations were spent in the backyard. My mom made a summer time treat she called Koolickles. They are pickles soaked in Kool-aid. 3) I wanted to be a doctor. I think there is still hope.
#1. Read “Godzelda Destroys Salinas” in the Foolish Times. Current and past episodes are available free on-line at www.foolishtimes.net #2. In 25 words or less,* please write a brief and family-friendly review. For your free signed GODZELDA poster for entering, please include your name and contact information with a mailing address. Here’s My “Godzelda” Review:
“It’s a carnivore’s delight!”
#COMPLETE, CLIP ‘N’ FAX OR MAIL IN! Email your Godzelda review entries to: email@example.com or: Fax to the Foolish Times @ 831-324-4271
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Roberta 1) O my. I love to go places where that are not far from home. I’ve been to places that look good on-line and when you get there they are really old and the people don’t look very happy. 2) I’m usually a picky eater but I saw someone eating a beautiful plate called Burgoo. I ordered it not knowing the meat was squirrel. 3) My best friend growing up was a junior Portuguese Princess. I wanted to be a princess My Mom sat me down and explained that I wasn’t going to be a princess.
THE BE ARS!
*On a rol ? 25 + plus words OK! Entrants agree to having their comments and names appear in future Godzelda promotional materials. To be eligible, reviews should be G-rated and familyfriendly. Winners wil be notified by email and/or USPS mail. Decision of our overpaid judges is final. All entries become the property of DaLar Enterprises/Dana B. Larrabee for promotional use without further compensation from DaLar Enterprises/Dana B. Larrabee, the Foolish Times or Black bear Diner. Dinner prize of $50 cash value excludes gratuity, any applicable taxes and other surprises we forgot. Void where prohibited plus all the legal gobbledygook we can think up in microscopic type to cover our butts and give you eyestrain. Yattayattayatta, etc., etc.
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JUST KEEP IT FAMILY-FRIENDLY,FOLKS! AND IN THE FOOLISH TIMES, HUMOR’S ALWAYS A PLUS!
SO MANY STORIES!
By Charles Birimisa
For more than a decade I have listened to the late night talk show “Coast to Coast.” Of late I turn it on low and the show helps me fall asleep. Before I rise, I will listen to the show as more often than not the guest and subject matter are interesting. A recent guest was talking about his and his family’s experience of living in a haunted house. The guest said a faith in God helped him through it all, and advised a strong faith can help one through anything. He said that’s why he wanted to tell the story to help people and “That I’m just not trying to sell a book.” Then, from my prone warm confines, I mumbled “Of, course you’re trying to sell a book. Coast to Coast should be changed to “Coast to Coast buy my book.” Because 99 out of a 100 percent of all the show’s guests have a new book out, or older books that are still on sale. Coast to Coast is just an advertisement, a preview, a plug for a book. That’s why it always seems the show leaves you hanging. Just as you’re beginning to get into the show, it’s over. A guest gets you on the brink of an earth shattering new revelation
There are seven days in the week. SOMEDAY isn’t one of them.
then pulls the rug out and leaves you hanging - buy my book. Okay, I get it now. And lately there are more commercials than ever, and hardly any show. These days it seems everybody is writing a book, trying to peddle one. Just choose one notable personality that interests you and you can bet there is a book about them, or that person has written a book about themself. Same goes for popular subject matter such as crime, killing, conspiracy theories, spirituality, self help and all matters of pop culture. I too have been infected by the book writing malady. I’ve written three, all unpublished. Three books I believe worthy of publication. I put real passion into all of them. And one of them is not exactly earth shattering, but at best, a modest news story. It involves a famous prizefighter who died recently and two of his most noteworthy bouts; two bouts that I remember and decided to dig more deeply into. And the more I dug the more I found. In fact, I was blown away at how much I was able to discover without interviewing any of the person’s involved, of which almost all are now deceased. If I learned anything from the experience, is that you can take any event -an historical event as an example - and the more you dig into it, you will be rewarded with a real story bearing little resemblance to the “official” one. In obtaining material and traveling I spent several thousand dollars to experience this illumination. Coast to Coast, I got a story. A book to sell.
The City of Seaside is celebrating 32 years of Blues and Art in the Park with FREE concerts.
By Robyn Justo
Ran into a door, I passed along the way. Well I got down on my knees, and I pretend to pray (that I don’t have a subdural hematoma!) I guess the cosmic joke is on me (again.) I had opted out of a small biopsy near my eye recently so that I wouldn’t be bruised during an upcoming trip to Arizona. I live in a studio so I have had to get pretty creative with closet space here. I used the floor to ceiling pantry for clothes and it worked pretty well. Who needs food? I was packing and excitedly getting ready for my desert
adventure when I turned and ran smack into the pantry door and the knob at about 25 mph. There are four and two of them are head height for me when open, and they were. Down I went. I saw stars and my third eye went blind. I’m like a little wind-up doll sometimes, walking into solid objects at high speeds. I think I am missing the spatial recognition gene. After I dragged myself up and to a mirror, I was sure I had a subdural hematoma. Ok, I used to binge watch Law & Order and that forensic cause of death stuck with me. I took a long, slow walk in the
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
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neighborhood later just to get some air and hoped I could stay vertical. I passed a dead bird on the sidewalk and then (no kidding) saw a banana peel smack in the middle of my path. Luckily I looked down in time! It was like all of a sudden my life was an obstacle course. This was a set up so perhaps it wasn’t all my fault. I returned home and decided to make a meatloaf which I rarely do. When all else fails eat, if there is any food to be found between my sweaters. I had never used the broiler here and it set off the fire alarm which not only screeched but yelled FIRE at me over and over until I was able to open all of the windows, luckily not tripping or colliding with anything else in the small space.
I’m like a little wind-up doll sometimes, walking into solid objects at high speeds. In any case and in any timeline in this lifetime I must have been meant to travel looking like I lost a fight. It was hard to admit that it was with a door. You know what they say about trying to change an outcome like traveling back in time and doing away with the bad guys or avoiding surgery to avoid a bruise. Some things are meant to be. My nose was a kaleidoscope (I would surely lose a spelling bee with that word!) of colors, deep shades of turquoise, green, and gold. I chose a bright tie dye shirt to match to be fashionable on travel day and to draw attention away from my face.
19 I’ve always been clumsy or I was born with a death wish. I pulled the TV down on myself as a kid, fell off my high chair, catapulted from my Mom’s arms and dented a silver box, choked on celluloid, jacks, and bobby pins, and slid the last five yards down the track in school on what should have been a 50-yard dash. This would have come in handy in softball, but I could never manage to hit or throw a ball which led to an inferiority complex from always being the last pick. A seemingly odd pairing, I have the reflexes of a superhero if something is falling as long as that something isn’t me. I’ve had many comments and shocked looks from people when they see this strange phenomena. Maybe it’s the Clara Kent/Superwoman thing. Maybe I need a padded bodysuit or cell when I am Marvel-less. It’s not easy being green or 50 shades of tie dye, but at this age there are far worse things than a colorful face. When I finally did have the surgery I had avoided before my trip, I asked the doctor if I would bruise. He smiled and said, “It will look a lot better than your nose!” Smartass. Karma, I suppose. And when all else fails, slide.
Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.
County Joe’s ‘Fixin’ To Die Rag’ From Woodstock, Rebooted For Our Modern Iran Dilemma
By Roger Freed Back in the height of the Vietnam era, a little ditty made it onto the airwaves that protested the undeclared war in a darkly humorous way. It was called “I Feel Like I’m Fixin’ To Die Rag” by Country Joe and the Fish, and it became a theme for the war protest movement. Performing it at Woodstock thrust it to national attention, and made it an anthem of counterculture America of the 60s. Now it belongs to the history of Hippie lore of that turbulent era, but I have pulled it out of the attic chest, aired it out a bit, and present it here in a reincarnated form for our modern political situation. I offer it to you readers and songsters to peruse, given our current pre-occupation with yet another uppity foreign country that we can’t quite keep under our thumb. Washington war-hawks, who strangely don’t have any military experience themselves, are screaming to start another war which we, the uncombed masses, will have to fight for them. Here is an answer to their insistence:
And its one, two, three, what are we fightin’ for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn next stop is I-Iran! And its five, six, seven open up the pearly gates, Well, there ain’t no time to wonder why Whoopee! We’re all gonna die!
The Fixin’ To Die Rag for this generation:
Pahlavi got things done the way we said leaving many tortured or even dead until the Persians had had enough and also started to play a little rough. Going back to their Islamic roots they kicked the Shah out with both their boots And brought in someone also a meanie I believe his name was something Khomeini.
Well, c’mon all you big strong men Uncle Sam needs your help again, he’s got himself in a terrible jam way off yonder in I-Iran. So put down your books and pick up a gun We’re gonna have a whole lotta fun! Chorus:
Bolton says we must change the regime before it gits even more extreme. Why can’t we do what we done in ‘41 without even using a single gun? Depose the guy who would have made it free and brought about Iranian democracy and instead put into their Casbah a toady that they called ‘The Shah’. And its one, two, three, what are we fightin’ for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn next stop is I-Iran! And its five, six, seven open up the pearly gates, Well, there ain’t no time to wonder why Whoopee! We’re all gonna die!
And its one, two, three, what are we fightin’ for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn next stop is I-Iran! And its five, six, seven open up the pearly gates, Well, there ain’t no time to wonder why Whoopee! We’re all gonna die! We wondered why they hated us so but the time came to reap what we’d sowed. They got bold and a little bit sassy and came and grabbed our embassy, glued together the secret documents telling how we screwed with their government. Since then we’ve been each others worst nightmare threatening each other on a dare. And its one, two, three, what are we fightin’ for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn next stop is I-Iran! And its five, six, seven open up the pearly gates, Well, there ain’t no time to wonder why Whoopee! We’re all gonna die! We screwed them, they screwed us is the cause of this whole big fuss Obama wanted to forgive and forget but Trump wants to drive them to debt. If we hold life to be so dear we need to relax before it all goes nuclear.
So if Don and John want to go a round and pound Iran into the ground Give them the chance to prove their mettle before starting another soup in a Mideast kettle. Put uniforms on these chicken-hawks send them to fight then watch how they squawk. Let the two who want the war the most see what its really like, then see if they boast. And its one, two, three, what are we fightin’ for? Don’t ask me, I don’t give a damn next stop is I-Iran! And its five, six, seven open up the pearly gates, Well, there ain’t no time to wonder why Whoopee! We’re all gonna die! Whoopee!
Red, white and blue symbolize freedom…unless they’re flashing behind you.
By Jay Russell
If It’s Yellow, S’not Mellow, It Just Smellow
Modern Hippies try to save the earth (and boost their egos) by stinking up bathrooms with their kale and asparagus infused urine and then refusing to flush. This concept received the moronic title “if it’s yellow, it’s mellow,” catchy but really a half-baked idea. After someone unloads their bladder and leaves it in there like a punk seven-year-old, guess what happens next? In walks the next innocent contestant at the club to puke face and splash-o elpiss-o on el-face-o. Gnar. Cities like the San Fran Dingo already smell like pee everywhere, so why make your $3,000/month tiny studio smell like it too? That water gets flushed eventually, so
if you think you are saving water, you’re probably just smoking too many dabs. The following five(ish) things can be done with your pee to use even less water, all the while being more “green” than “mellow yellow.”
You could also drain the vein into a plastic jug and let it sit forever. Leak outside on a tree or a bush, even going on dirt or grass works great, zero water used, win. City street leaking isn’t ideal, but going anywhere with a backyard, field or real earth won’t hurt anyone. Next, you can drink your own
pee, practice for that survival situation. Who knows when you will have to piss in James Franco’s mouth cuz the dingus trapped his arm under a boulder. Getting a taste for your remainder can get you high if you attain Keith Richards status, plus the natives did it, it’s totally fine. You could also drain the vein into a plastic jug and let it sit forever. Plastic plagues human and animal and plant and protist and micro-cellular and alien life (fungi may not care). Cancel out that plastic waste by marinating your yellow slushie sauce in there for eternity, two negatives make a positive. This also awards you burning man XP, dump it out on a
21 tree later for all I care. Let’s see... you could tinkle in the shower, no stains or smell there; plus it cures athlete’s foot. Try going R. Kelly (did you know of his illiteracy?) on a jellyfish victim, consensual foot showers only, please. Finally and most practically: set up a pee-rimeter at your next campsite or rave campout in the woods. Wolves, coyotes, and bobcats will then respect you and your space. Congrats, you can now be counted amongst the ranks of living animals. Until now your mellow yellow life has been lived as a Kim Jung-Un, holier than your own excrement, robot. You pretended your urea didn’t stank, get real, peeconnect, pee free.
Super Summer Specials
Come See Tony
By Michael Houston
Market Songs – Odes and Codes to summer We are what we eat and we are the miscreants in the mirror who wonder, “How we got this far and what we’re going to be late for next?” Funerals come to mind, but they seem to be out of fashion. Can we get a, “WHAT A LONG STRANGE TRIP ITS BEEN!” out of the choir? Wither goeth we? Stupification? Going somewhere this summer? Watering holes are candidates, but C2H5OH beverages are classed as a grade four carsynogens. Nonetheless, you should always tip hospitality workers generously. Live heroically. Who are we to seek stupefying mindless joy and self-absorption in dubious company when there are farmers markets to attend during daylight hours under cool white skies or in high heat and frightful levels of solar radiation? What care we if we’re not so young and beautiful as in days of yore? Steer clear of mirrors and you’ll never know the difference. Finding a Better Way Not into dive bars or ice cream shops? No problem, we can buy all the TV stuff! Put hair where it should be. Extract or dissolve it where it should not be. Big pharmaceutically vanish or acquire unsightly skin blotches. Remove extra chins. Get a Brazilian butt procedure. Remember, upper body strength, self-esteem, and resilience are overrated. You can save money if you just wait for time to bring horrific side effects and maladies
your way for free. Saving Ourselves And The Planet? We’re social creatures. Wailing on arrival! Railing through metapauses. Singing in the sunshine. Sapien, take your mind off procreation and chase down some food. Put the Feng Shui back into your carbon footprint! Farm to street market. Street market to table...Table to sink… Sink or sing. Self-select and self-deliver. Dodge Amazon’s so-called “fulfillment”. You are your own bodhisattva. Got Food, Fun Junkies? Farmers Markets! Arise! Find a parking space and a certified farmers market every day of the week. Del Monte Farmers Market and Everyone’s Harvest Marina on Sundays, PG and Alisal on Mondays, Old Monterey Farmers Market on Alvarado Street Tuesdays, and MPC on Fridays. (Write the editor firstname.lastname@example.org and win if you know of any more!) Real Fulfilment Centers Abound in Our Streets and Parking Lots? Step off the grid and buy from a living person. Avoid having your stuff, meals, and new purchases stolen off you doorsteps. Buy them in actual reality and carry them home like it’s legal! Open air shopping avoids the hassles of online shopping, doorstep theft, and tedious trips to the brick and mortar places to collect your “fulfillments”. Get fresh fructose, green and colorful cruciferous vegetables. You feel like a nut? See Jeff’s crew? Chat with small-scale family farmers or their extended
families. They’re experts on the day’s traffic conditions in a 70 miles radius. Got heat, fat, acid and salt issues? We’re there for you. Pastry? - Carbs, oils and fats. Humus? – proteins. Rotisserie chicken? – Hayward’s gift to human kind. Kettle corn? – noisy but nice. Falafel? – global joy. Gyros? – tales of Great Ulysses. Toffee – recompense to the world for Britain’s pre-Brexit colonial misgovernance. Tamales, salsa and chips? – bienestar. Sharp blades and good music? – the heart of Monterey. Andean alpaca sweaters ? – Monterey summer wear. Tie dye tee shirts and bumper stickers? - right on, right? Silver jewelry and beads? – an artisanal reminder of good
times ahead. Gluten free baked goods? – great tastes and better health. Draft green elixirs? draft green elixirs. Snow cones and freezies? – children’s art on their faces, fingers, and clothes. Strawberries? – the bounty of the valley. Oranges and Mandarin’s? – Stockton’s jewels. Avocados? – the way of wisdom (not just a cult). Tomatoes? – here at last! Lemons? – the best of all mixers. Lettuce? – getting past the icebergs. Asparagus? – grill to a new lease on life. Child-slavery free chocolates? – darn right! Free plastic veggie bags – reuse e’m. Tastefully adorned reusable straws and cotton shopping bags? – proof of evolutions in consciousness. If there is any item in any public or private market in Monterey County or anywhere else that we forgot to mention, please contact the Times editorial staff at email@example.com or https://www.whitehouse.gov/ contact/. (They both love the attention and we sell ads.)
Comedy at the Jade Comedy is back at the Jade Lounge on July 11, featuring four talented comics from the Bay Area. We caught up with Pete Munoz, a road warrior and very funny guy. Q: Thanks for talking with us and fitting Monterey into your touring schedule. What makes performing at the Jade Lounge so special for you? A: When I first started it was the place to be. It was called Planet Gemini back then. I used to see fliers for the shows and think that one day I’d be on those. Might sound cheesy but the shows used to be crazy. I’m glad to be in Monterey doing a show with awesome new owners and to be headlining. Q: You have a variety of material you can perform. How do you decide what you’re going to do? A: Having a variety of material
is important to me. I like to be able to do every type of room and every type of crowd. I’ve done shows where being 38 years old, I’d be the youngest in the room yet still have the job to connect and relate. What I decide to do is usually based on what the crowd wants. If a crowd behaves usually material goes over just fine. If we have some others having a ‘liquid of a good time,’ I’ll do my best to make sure that person respects the show. I love to pull things out of the air and create something out of nothing. When I’m having that fun, the crowd is usually right there with me. Q: Are you the guy who sits and writes all day? A: I’m definitely not the guy who sits and writes once a month let alone every day. In fact you won’t find a notebook of mine with jokes. Putting ego aside, it’s much more fun to not know what’s going to happen on stage. In fact last time I was in town I was served Fireball on stage. Pull that out of a notebook. Q: When was that moment you knew you were funny? A: I knew I could make people
Message to all kids: Don’t play with fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all day set them off.
laugh pretty early on. My first joke was, “Why did Uncle George cross the street? To get to the liquor store.” It was definitely that Eddie Murphy in front of the TV moment for me. Being funny and being good at standup are two different things. Q: Why is comedy important? A: How many favorite bands do you have? About 10 give or take. How many comics do you like? There’s tons. Young, old, male, female, you name it. Comics are like a big bucket of jelly bellies. So many flavors to choose from. It’s helps people relax and it also riles them up too. Everyone wishes they could be a comic. Well, almost everyone. Q: You’re bringing three other comics with you. A: I’ve got Ato Walker aka Mr Walker. We’ve been hitting mics good and bad for over 10 years.
23 It’s always good to work with who you work well with. PX is my go to feature. She’s come a long way and it’s good to see her grow. Her set really pushes me to get the most out of comedy. Kyle Hovland is also with me. Kyle is a good mix of improv and standup. Not too many comics are doing what Kyle’s doing right now. I won’t give away any secrets but it’s fun to watch.
www.thejadelounge.com Facebook.com/petemoon YouTube: Ptrdavid81
Hooray for the Red, White and Blue! Answers on pg 26
Washington Holiday Thirteen Colonies Fireworks Parades Barbecues Carnivals Fairs Picnics Concerts Baseball Games Family Reunions America Independence Stars Stripes
July 1-13 Little Women
Filled with adventure, heartbreak, and a deep sense of hope. The struggles of four sisters to find their own voices mirrors the growing pains of a young America. westernstage.com
July 4 Monterey Parade
Celebrate with fireman’s pancakes, a parade down Alvardo Street and a lawn party at Colton Hall. oldmonterey.org
July 4th Monterey Pops
Annual free concert “Celebrating 165 Years of John Philip Sousa” at the Golden State Theater. montereycountypops.org
July 6 Monterey Beer Fest
16 years of great beer. Enjoy an afternoon of beer tasting, music and food at the fairgrounds featuring local and regional beer makers. After party at the Jade Lounge montereybeerfestival.com
It’s not a play, it’s a party! 50 years anniversary tribute to 1969 in song, word and good vibes. mpctheatreco.com
July 4th Fireworks
It’s official. Fireworks at Bayonet and Black Horse Golf Course again this year. ci.seaside.ca.us
June 5 First Friday Art Walk
July 2 World UFO Day
Only a fool would think we are alone in this universe. This day commemorates the UFO crash in 1947 at Roswell.
Comedy at Jade Lounge
Three Bay Area comedians come to town to tickle your funny bone. Pete Munoz talked to us about comedy. Page 23 thejadelounge.com
July 1-28 Adapted from the Disney film, New York City’s Newsboys. They seize the day with a strike against unfair working conditions. Experience the TonyAward winning musical that thrilled audiences on Broadway. pacrep.org
The county’s longest continuous running (and strolling) art walk. Artist receptions, music, poetry, Interactive and family friendly. 1stfridays.org
July 10 Teddy Bear Picnic Day
One of the comforts of childhood. A day to support Teddy Bears with Heart Teddybearswithheart.org
July 9 Twilight Cycling
Bring your bike to Laguna Seca and ride the 11 turn, 2.238 mile track. weathertechraceway.com
July 12-14 FIM World Superbike
Many of the world’s greatest (and crazy) motorcycle road racers descend on Laguna Seca for thrills, chills and hopefully no spills. weathertechraceway.com
July 28 Moss Landing Antique And Street Fair
July 20-27 Feast of Lanterns
July 17 July 13 Kiddie Kapers Parade
This is the 89th time kids of all ages paraded through Oldtown to kick off Big Week and the CA Rodeo. carodeo.com
Pro Bull Riders
Some of the bulls’ names include Copperhead Slinger, Crossfire Hurricane, Hot Stuff and Scene of the Crash. Riding a bull for 8 seconds can seem like an eternity. pbr.com
If you like ‘cool stuff’, you’re going to love this event. Bring your walking shoes and come early. mosslandingchanber.com
For over one hundred years, Pacific Grove has celebrated the founding of their town and the Chautauqua Movement. Pet parade, fireworks with an evening lantern show highlight the week. feast-of-lanterns.org
July 30 International Friendship Day
Friendship is about the relationship between individuals. It’s also about friendly relationships between nations and cultures.
July 18-21 CA Rodeo
July 13-27 Carmel Bach Fest
82nd performance season. This year’s schedule features more than 40 concerts and events. bachfestival.org
A top rode in America. Over 700 hundred cowboys and girls compete for cash and coveted buckles. Cowboy Poetry, Tough enough to wear pink, Cowboy Church and a special concert with Tim McGraw. carodeo.com
July 27 Take Your Pants for a Walk Day This is an easy one. Walk outside and be sure to have pants on. You might like walking so much that you’ll need smaller pants.
It must take a while for a giraffe to throw up.
July 14-August 11 Blues in the Park
Laguna Grande Park hosts Sunday afternoon shows featuring touring blues bands. ci.seaside.ca.us
July 20 Ugly Truck Day
Trucks are sometimes old and really ugly. They are loved and appreciated for the work they do.
I sent an ancestry site info on my family tree. They sent back a pack of seeds and suggested that I start over.
from page 19
from page 23
In an effort to be a gentleman, I stood aside and held the door open for my girlfriend. A few minutes later she said, “Can you please stop being a jerk while I’m going to the bathroom?”
Guide to Local Businesses & Services DIVORCE Aﬀordable Divorces
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TAX PREPARER Nancy C. Callahan, CPA, EA
Eﬃcient, Respected and Experienced. IRS problems? Call for solutions. 831.625.4272
Golden Memorial Plan
Trinkle Real Estate
We can help your family overcome the burden of ﬁnal expenses and oﬀer tools to prepare and record your ﬁnal wishes. Bi-lingual, compassionate and experienced. CA Lic#0184442 831.402.0304
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
Attention to Detail Florida is the place to be. Aﬀordable, warm ocean, great roads, no state income tax. 806.206.8179 www.trinklereality.com RE license # BK3240757 CERAMICS
HOME CARE S&J Homecare
Available on short notice. We will take good care of your loved one. Expanded services include pet care, light housekeeping and errands. Excellent references. CPR certiﬁed. 831.277.8780
Hans Auto Repair
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
TYPEWRITER REPAIR PHONE REPAIR Fix It All
Cell Phones, tablets, PC’s & Audio Devices.Fast, Convenient,Aﬀordable. Del Monte Center 831.38.4851
Wallace Oﬃce Machines Second generation and last of its kind. I repair and sell all types of typewriters. Accepting commercial accounts. 831.422.3707
To Advertise on Top Notch: Email firstname.lastname@example.org or call 831.648.1038
The Best in
,C sed ons ign o p R e p ur m en
intage & t s, V Th rift !
Moss Landing 49th Annual Antique & Collectible Street Fair Sunday, July 28th 7:30am-4:30pm www.mosslandingchamber.com
SPCA Benefit Shop Barnyard Shopping Village 26364 Carmel Rancho Ln. Carmel-By-The-Sea 831.624.4211 spcamc.org
PacRepâ€™s Neverland Benefit Shop 443 Lighthouse Ave Monterey 831.641.7199 neverlandshop.org
Downtown Books & Sound 222 Main St. Oldtown Salinas 831.435.4636 downtownbooksandsound.com
Choose Your Treasure 211 Pearl St. Downtown Monterey 831.747.1633
Last Chance Mercantile MRWMD 14201 Del Monte Blvd. Marina 831.384.5313 www.mrwmd.org
Habitat ReStore 4230 Gigling Road, Marina 831.272.4830 habitatmontereybay.org
To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038