Dear Summer Diet, It’s not working out. You are tasteless, boring and I can’t stop cheating on you. McShane Flips the Switch On New Energy » Pg. 10 Event Calendar » Pg. 26
YOUR HELP WILL PUSH US TO THE TOP Del Monte Manor Playground Improvement Project
TO HELP THE KIDS:
Pay Pal: www.DelMonteManorPlayground.com Checks: Del Monte Manor / Playground 1466 Yosemite St. Seaside, CA 93955 A big Thank You to our supporters and funders that helped the kids thus far: City of Seaside – Mayor’s Youth Fund Seaside Police Department Seaside Fire Department Seaside Council Member – Dave Pacheco Neighbo Neighborhood Grants Program- Community Foundation for Monterey County PM Landscaping Seaside CDBG Funds Helen Rucker Seaside Chamber of Commerce McDonald’s Restaurants Giving Sunlight Givi Miscellaneous Del Monte Manor Tenants and neighbors Del Monte Manor Corporation
www.DelMonteManorPlayground.com Del Monte Manor is a 501c3 tax deductible non-proﬁt corporation
What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called”writers” and”artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
Advertisers For rate information, email firstname.lastname@example.org or call 831.648.1038 For rat information, call your exterminator
List of Fools Chucklehead.....................Stevie P. Editorial Fool.....................Susie Q. Art Fool.....................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool....................Jonah Dee
Contributors Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larabee, Keith Larson, Stacy Lininger, Steve McShane, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks It was inevitable that bullying is now occurring in senior centers. “I’m going to knock the dentures down your throat. Meet me back here around 3pm after my nap.” “I have my hearing aid turned on and can hear you hitting on my wife. What do you think you’re going to do with her. Beat her at a game of Canasta? Have you seen her jaw line when she removes her teeth?” Yes, these old farts in the mist are acting poorly and setting a bad example. None of this is a good sign for my generation who will be lining up in a few years to be the next ‘old people.’ It’s like being the second born child waiting and watching as the oldest ruins opportunities for those who come after. We’re already a country with too many rules because of a few who acted out improperly. An 8pm curfew will be enforced because Mr. Jenkins decided to use the swimming pool during non-swimming hours while not wearing a bathing suit. Maybe he just forgot to put it on.
Getting older should be about waking up in the morning and for lack of better words, being thankful that you wake up at all! I’m sorry guys that we have to wait so long for the ratio of women to men to be 6-1. No use trying to entice you with sheer lingerie, you’ll be too blind to see! I have a retired friend who recently told me he is going to get married again. Said he was tired of being alone. I congratulated him and asked who she was. He replied that she is a 26-year-old waitress. They met on toooldforthiscrap.com where you can get away with using an outdated profile picture. This guy is 72 years old! He also said it was OK because it was the exact age of his first wife when he married her. I want to celebrate that it’s never too late to have a happy childhood. Let’s share a laugh and tread lightly on this playground we call home. Old age will always be 10 years later from any age I currently am.
Stevie P. / email@example.com
P.O. Box 4046 Monterey, CA 93942
4 Just in time for you vacationers, we present
A (VERY FISHY!) TALE OF OLD
CURSE THIS BLASTED
An Ultra Light FantaSea in Two Parts
MONTEREY BAY by Dana B. Larrabee
Episode One, entitled:
High in the tippytop of an abandoned ...dwells the cannery on the decrepit yet surshores of Monterey prisingly energetic... Bay…
“TO COLDLY GO...”
OH-- YO HO HO, ETC...
Captain Crudd is aptly named...
SNIFF! SNIFF! SNUFFFLE-
featuring “Captain Crudd”
CAN’T EVEN SEE TO GRAB ME A SNORT!
...Captain Crudd, adopted years ago by his faithful but wily sea-lion, Fred.
In fact, were it not for the periodic (and sorely needed!) cleansing efforts of Fred...
...For he hasn’t bathed in months. YUCK!
...Then the Chamber of Commerce would have been BANNED the Old Poop from the Monterey wharf Years Ago!
Today’s rescuer is crew to a tug bringing in another bargeload of KELP...
WHA’? THAT DUMP IN THE DRINK REMINDS ME O’ WHEN I VISITED…
While drying out, the Captain reflects on the expedition he was sucked into years ago...
PANT! GASP! HE’S HEAVIER THAN HE LOOKS!
OUI, M’SIEUR CRUDD! ZE LIGHT IS PERFECT-O! WE ARE READY, ALREADY!
And now Jacques Wilson was filming his Ultimate Fish Story in the DEEP WATER CANYONS off MONTEREY… STEADY ON CAPITAIN-WHILE I GET ZESE
WE’RE ALMOST THERE, J.W...! ’S WHO UES JACQ N? WILSO
that Carmel Jacques Wilson is National Film Maker on the l... Faunagraphic channe
Sorry, our time’s up! Join us again next issue for our second (and thankfully!) final episode entitled:
“DEEP WATER HORIZONTAL”
“A PEEP IN THE DEEP ” COPYRIGHT 2018 BY DANA B. LARRABEE ALL SLIGHTS DESERVED
Bottle Shoppe Surf N Sand Liquors
Large craft beer selection. Rare & fine wines. Expanded selection of spirits. Coldest beer in town. Chilled wines & champagne. Wine tasting room. Visit our cigar lounge. Downtown Carmel 831.624.1805
Late Night Denny’s
Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge. Marina, Monterey, Salinas, and Seaside locations
Café Bay Café & Cantina
Best breakfast & lunch. Pet-friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts. 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
Fast Food If food were fast, we would all be running after it.
Promote your restaurant here 831.648.1038
Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals. Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts. 433 Alavarado St, Monterey 831.372.9761 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.394.3444
Chinese Full Moon
Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St, Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
Seafood I See Food, I Eat it! If you don’t find something that was swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy.
Breakfast First Awakenings
...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s first choice to start the day. Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 125 Oceanview Blvd, Pacific Grove 831.372.1125 www.firstawakenings.net
Voted best restaurant in Salinas. The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
A local’s favorite! Great food, great service. Crab enchiladas are fabulous. 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
Wine Monterey County is home to award-winning wine. You can’t go wrong with anything from our region. Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper. Cheers!
Japanese Wakatobi Japanese Grill
GRAND OPENING Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily for lunch & dinner. Catering available. 1130 Fremont Blvd, Seaside 831.717.4624
Pubs Crown & Anchor
Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
Thai Yangtse’s Taste of Thai
Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by awardwinning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli
Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken, hot-links, Polish sausage, smoked brisket & ribs, HALF POUND BURGERS! Catering available. Carmel 831.624.3821
Salad Bar Crazy Horse
The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
On our first full day of our vacation in Monterey my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused, “Can we drink beer on the beach?” “Sure,” she said, “but I have to finish the rest of the rooms beforehand.” Tony & Sara are the owners and your hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram Everybody gets it that you’re courageous enough to hold the sky! Rumor has it, it’s a bit fatiguing. Question is were you on a scenic drive or witness to a murder, or was that a mutter? What side of the story are you on West side or East? I guess in this case what matters is what you are willing to utter.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion “Here Ye! Here Ye!” A great crowd of courtiers and servants are intoxicated from your exuberant gooblie goo-ie-ness. They respond with buffoonery hoping to engage and gain your approval. When you are a pet you are a pet all the way from your first Kingy pooh to your last Queenie day.
Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Dependable from your first pirouette until your last dying day! Which is thicker your head or that accent you put on situations that don’t directly affect you. Let the heads twirl where they may and carefully surmise what it is that you really want! Then Go-Go!
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Your sublime conscientiousness has extended the longest day of the year into an all-day sucker. Your painstaking big decision has blocked the night and left some of us more rumpus bumpus fools searching for the morning star to guide us someday, somewhere, somehow to tomorrow!
Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins Psst! Gem-Mambo...You are the Top Cat in town so let’s get crackin’ by dressing up sweet and sharp. Life is only a dance! Best to see LIFE as de big picture, udder-wise your scurrying knee deep in the Poopla! How’s ‘bout some lousy goat cheese and soda pop for your birthday?! Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Honest Ernest Hemingway, a Cancer just like you was loyal as a door in your face. You gotta love that kind of trueness. You may call upon your war/love council for this next chapter. Because you’re drifting diagonally towards a steamboat that you can get on or get lost!
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Beat the crud out a dem! How charming waving rocks, belts, bricks, blades and guns to claim your side of the street. Perhaps, finding a new way of living, a new way of forgiving all those ruckus out of balance fools may be just the bullet to bite. Call it a work in progress. Now beat it! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Who knows...something’s coming... something good, just by holding still you can touch your excitement. Keep your hands visible though, you’re in public view. Romeo and Juliet, Tony and Maria eventually evolved into the party of Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice, no doubt there is a place for all of us.
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Make it not be true that blowing your nose on your sleeve is an optimistic option for you. I know you’ve stuck to your own kind...of manner, your signature sway, your right-of-way and all a fair fight. You’ve made it thus far without losing your shirt, so stop sniveling ‘cause you’re the boss, just an arm’s length away. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat There’s a Rumble! And it’s not in your stomach. You’ve got a rocket in your pocket ready to bust like a hot water pipe! Steady now, steadiness is your strength... Unwind, easy does it, play it cool. Accepting your limitations keeps you well protected. Tap into that good deep inside you and Pow Pow out of danger. Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier You planted yourself on the other team’s turf, so be it! Even just a word can do that. Snap, snap out of it. You are in an advanced state of shock! Use the back door just this once, consider it an intermission to high definition. Switch to whistling
cues when you’re on the outside and remember the simple rule: Keep off the grass.
Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes M-a-r-i-a, Maria say it softly and it’s almost like praying...or is it Mariah? Either way society will always be plagued with decisions such as these. Your special business is compassion, but for now minus the com. You need to amp it up, kick it, stick it, drop it, f*ck it! How wonderful a sound can be. Listen if Chino can shop at Chico’s, you can certainly own your hour of power and make your imagination reel!
At any given time .07% of the world population is drunk. 50 million people are drunk right now.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
8 “Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama and once for Hillary.” She starts in the morning.
What’s Age Got to do With It? 1966: Long hair 2016: Longing for hair 1966: KEG 2016: EKG 1966: Acid rock 2016: Acid reflux 1966: Moving to California because it’s cool 2016: Moving to Arizona because it’s warm 1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1966: Seeds and stems 2016: Roughage 1966: Hoping for a BMW 2016: Hoping for a BM 1966: Going to a new, hip joint 2016: Receiving a new hip joint 1966: Rolling Stones 2016: Kidney Stones 1966: Forget the system 2016: Upgrade the system 1966: Disco 2016: Costco 1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1966: Passing the drivers’ test 2016: Passing the vision test 1966: Whatever 2016: Depends
Email Snafu The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-inlaw Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Pad?” she asks anxiously. “What happened?? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found?” “Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with my friend Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!” “Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!” “There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.” Moments later, the mother-inlaw comes back with a big smile. “Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation — she never got your e-mail!”
Lemon Picker Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
Why Some Men have Dogs and Not Wives 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog’s parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours-a-day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?” 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. 14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. In that instant, the atheist cried out: “Oh my God!” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Can I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen.”
Walking in the Woods An atheist was walking through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a seven foot grizzly bear charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Child is Fodder to the Man By Ted Gargiulo My dad KNEW music. When I was six, he tried teaching me the piano—emphasis on “tried.” He had about as much success that year teaching me to ride a bicycle. At least I didn’t break my neck practicing the piano. Six is an ideal age for most youngsters with average abilities to begin basic keyboard… provided they’re willing to learn. Mozart was only three. Granted, I was no Mozart. Neither was my dad. Nevertheless, he was a consummate musician in his own right, and more than capable of passing his specialty on to me. Although I inherited his love of music—greatest blessing this side of heaven!—I didn’t take kindly to instruction. I was simply too lazy and too stubborn to apply myself. Then again, my dad wasn’t the most patient of instructors, and
would smack me in the head when I messed up some fingering he’d shown me. His chastisements, however, were more amusing than angry, and far less painful than falling off a bicycle. The practice books we used contained songs of increasing complexity. The first was only a few notes long. The second built upon the first, the third built upon the second, and so forth. This dodo never got past the seventh song in Volume One. You see, I never actually learned to READ the notes (too challenging). Instead, I memorized the fingering and PRETENDED to read them, then flaunted my newfound “technique” by stringing together all the songs I’d memorized into one 20-second rhapsody. Breathtaking! I doubt my dad took these lessons all that seriously once he
saw where they were headed. He seemed to go from being overly critical to not giving a damn what I did. Sure, he could have forced me to work harder. But he knew that wouldn’t have produced a superior musician, merely an emotionally scarred ignoramus Besides, the maestro and I had artistic differences. I thought my version of “Jingle Bells” superior to his. His fingering for the left hand was too difficult, needlessly demanding. Why did I have to keep changing chords, when it was so much easier to pound the same one over and over again? I thought my arrangement sounded fine. He insisted it didn’t. “Why not?” “Because it’s wrong.” “But it works.” “No, it DOESN’T. It sounds like garbage!”
That’s where it ended. Such has been the story of my story. Always wanting things easy and comfortable for myself, always gravitating toward vocations that were humdrum, repetitive, and tedious as hell. Much like my lefthanded accompaniment: striking the same dull chord again and again. It may have sounded like garbage. But it worked. I regret a number of opportunities I botched when I was young. Yet, from those failures, this fool-turned-author learned more about himself than any amount of success could have taught him, and harvested enough material from his first childhood to last him well into his second. Today, I make a different kind of music, pecking out tunes on a QWERTY instead of a piano. My secretary-mom gave up trying to teach this knucklehead touchtyping. Instead, I developed my own method of producing words. I call it my “Three Finger Sonata in G. Might not be technically correct. But hey, it works! The kid can learn, but he can’t be taught.
Launching Monterey Bay Community Power
By Steve McShane
The Central Coast, in general, and Monterey County communities can celebrate the arrival of Monterey Bay Community Power. This new agency has launched a regional source for carbon free electricity at a cost equivalent to PG&E. Commercial accounts for Monterey Bay Community Power went live March 1. Residential accounts go live July 1. While most folks will not see much of a difference in the monthly billing, there will be an impressive impact to the community. Ultimately, this new agency creates local jobs, funds renewable energy projects and reduces carbon-based emissions. I’m delighted to celebrate the fact that our region has embraced this opportunity. By launching Monterey Bay Community Power, our residents have prioritized carbon free energy sources at the same cost of PG&E power to our residents. Best of all, the profits from Monterey Bay Community Power are reinvested back into the community. No longer would our hard-earned dollars be sent off to corporate headquarters elsewhere in California. Communities across California are benefiting from similar opportunities. Marin County, Sonoma County, San Mateo
County, San Francisco and Lancaster have all established their own community choice energy agencies, reducing carbon footprints in those communities while offering energy at comparable prices to the big utilities. Community choice energy works. Here on the Central Coast, our effort is governed by a joint powers agency overseen by a publicly accountable 11-member board. Following exhaustive studies and dozens of public meetings over the last several years, this agreement covers local governments in Monterey, San Benito and Santa Cruz counties. The power-sharing agreement fosters collaboration by giving no county the ability to dictate to others – the kind of collaboration so desperately missing from our national political scene. Ultimately, the governing structure gives Monterey Bay Community Power a clean slate from which to make decisions that benefit our local residents – from which types of renewable energy we should pursue to where important green jobs should be located within the community. Monterey Bay Community Power is a good deal for our region. It positions us to create green
jobs to support renewable energy generation. It puts decision making in the hands of locals. It gives customers the choice to opt out and stay with PG&E if desired. It keeps electricity rates on par with PG&E for all customers, even factoring in all PG&E fees, while still giving us the choice to potentially reduce electricity rates. Sonoma Clean Power recently announced it would drop electricity rates 10 percent for residential customers due to falling prices for solar energy. Thanks to the visionary state legislation that makes Monterey Bay Community Power possible, PG&E will still provide line maintenance and customer service. So we’ll continue seeing those blue and white trucks carrying crews
who work hard to maintain the transmission lines and keep the power on throughout the county. At the state level, we have great leadership on climate change. We don’t know yet what President Trump’s administration will do on climate change, or how it would impact the state’s ability to act, but the early signs aren’t good. But we can act locally. Over and over, the voters of Monterey County have sided with self-determination and environmental protection. Local governments across the Monterey Bay region stand united in support of Monterey Bay Community Power and we hope you will too. Steve McShane is a Salinas City Councilmember and can be reached at steve@ mcshaneslandscape.com or at (831) 970-4141.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your drivers license… Answers on page 24
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Grocery Shopping with Daddy
By Jann Gargiulo Saturdays were special to Daddy when he came home from work. He would check to see who wanted to go grocery shopping with him. That was a laugh! Everyone but me ran as far away as possible: up a tree, in the creek filled with polio water, over to the nearest neighbor for a “visit,” up to the bedrooms to play “sick,” anything to get out of going with Daddy to the grocery store. I was told by the older kids that it was embarrassing to go with Daddy. He spoke his mind, even if no one wanted to hear! He talked to practically everyone in the store! First, you must know that my Dad was so tight that he squeaked when he walked! One of our neighbors said that every time my dad took out his wallet two or three moths would fly out! Daddy
wouldn’t buy something, no matter how badly he needed it, unless it was on sale (for real), or he had a great coupon, preferably both! And this is exactly what he was trying to teach all of us! So, every Saturday morning Daddy would go grocery shopping. Momma would make out a list of things she needed, and Daddy would decide if she really did need them! He would choose who would go with him; sometimes just one older kid, sometimes a couple of younger ones (if he had time to train us). Well, one Saturday I got to go! But, so did my younger sister, Ruthie. She did NOT want to go, so I told her to just stay behind me. It worked great at first! But, we had only been grocery shopping with Daddy once before and each of us had gone with an
A visitor to our area went to a Doc in the Box and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a bee and I’m extremely allergic. Do you have anything for it?” She asked, “Whereabouts is it?” He replied, “I don’t know, it could be miles away by now.”
older sibling. We had no idea what was going to happen this time... Now the real shopping lesson began …Daddy would tell each of us something from the list, for example, mustard. Then another might get saltine crackers. Then each one was supposed to get the best deal available and bring it back to Daddy. Then came the “lesson.”
Well, I don’t mean to brag, but I was a smart little kid Well, I don’t mean to brag, but I was a smart little kid (I learned from the older ones). So I thought, “What did Daddy bring home last time?” and I saw the store brand of mustard, so I just got the brand and size I remembered Daddy had bought. I figured if Daddy had bought it, it must be right! But Ruthie, who was always good in math, was standing there figuring the ounces and pounds, then she compared the price per pound … blah, blah, blah! Well, we were both right with the product we chose. Only now Daddy asked us to explain how we came to our choice. Ruth went first, explaining her steps one at a time. Daddy smiled!!! He was very proud of her! Then it was my turn. I told him how I came to my decision. For a short while, nothing. Then he had a sort of puzzled look on his face, and he asked me this, “What would happen if I had asked you to get me something and you had seen us using it at home, but you didn’t know that someone had given it to us as a gift?”
I looked right back with the same puzzled look. “Who would give us a gift of food?” “Your brother Ray, when he sends us maple syrup from Maine. Your sister Elsie, when she sends us wheat from Ohio.” Whoops! He was right! Guess my theory wasn’t so great after all! Then we got in line! Learning how to pick the right line was enlightening! (But that’s another story.) Then we finally got to the register. My Dad had taught us how to put the things up on the counter so that we could “bag ‘em” properly! Didn’t have people to do that for you in the cheap grocery stores back in those days. So we learned a lot that day! Even after learning so much, Ruthie said that she couldn’t stand all that talking our Dad did. She said that she learned enough that day to last her a lifetime. That she was glad that she went this time. But it was the day Ruthie swore she would NEVER go grocery shopping with our Dad again! And to my knowledge, she never has!
I asked my dad for his best dad joke. He said, ‘You.’
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”
Sucks to be YOU!
CROWN & ANCHOR BRITISH PUB & RESTAURANT
VOTED MONTEREY’S MOST AUTHENTIC BRITISH PUB
Lunch & Dinner Daily • Late Night Menu Children’s Menu • Heated Full Service Patio Impressive Selection of Single Malt Scotches & Classic Irish Whiskeys 20 beers on tap • Local wines Happy Hour 4-6pm Monday-Friday Bring your Dad in for great service, a wonderful meal and a pint! BRITISH OWNED & OPERATED
150 Franklin St • Old Monterey • 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net • Open Daily 11-2am
Half A Step From The Gutter – The Busker’s View By Michael Houston
Me, Walt Whitman And The Rest Of The Kids
I sing the body electric, The armies of those I love engirth me and I engirth them, They will not let me off till I go with them, respond to them, And discorrupt them, and charge them full with the charge of the soul. Walt Whitman (1819-1892) Alvarado Street, Monterey, California is the place to live with live music, agricultural produce vendors, exquisite food and the galactic center for reflections on literary criticism and political economy. Body electric, indeed! Not me. I only play acoustic. You need to go up the gutter by the Bovine and Ursus or the music shop if you want electric. And impressive electric stuff it is!
Personally, I’m essentially talent free, fellow acoustic players display shocking mastery ear twangers and mind blowers. Witness, Davy, our gypsy jazz guy or our Dixie Oomphapha standards ensemble. Also, if you want to go round engirthing and unengurting you’re a bit late. Flora and the Bear Flag girls left town long ago with the horse cavalry. Walt Whitman listen to our song in these days of white skies and June gloom. The army’s still here, but now they charge their souls learning diverse tongues, computer stuff, meteorology, and strolling the streets with their pals and significant others along with shockingly well-behaved children. Walt, charging everybody else’s souls falls upon us, your street
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buskers and one and only bards. Like bartenders and other servers we recommend you tip them and us generously should you make it back to this side of the grave. Meanwhile back on the discorrupting front, poets, dancers, players, and musicians have a time-honored place in virtually every society. Traditionally we are accused of doing more corrupting than discorrupting. Still we help populate your world.
Life is the question. Art is the answer. We’ll cover love next issue. We’re the sort that got transported out of our presidentially admired ancestor’s latrine-like homelands to repopulate these continents at the expense of the previous legitimate owners who lacked sufficient firepower and immunities to hold out against American exceptionalism. Who, but our every more inclusive Anglo-Saxons could have figured out that Knowing Nothing made them better that actual Teutonic emigrants who caught the boat in a later decade. Princess Meghan would have driven them nuts! Nobel Laureate Dylan has suggested that there are many here amongst us who think that life is but a joke. Chill, mariachi loco, off the soapbox and plug the public joys of the local farmers markets. Beloveds, your Alvarado Street self-guided walking tour includes pre-vinyl gramophone gizmos. Their operators’ bodies may be low-voltage electric, but, like my congregation, they are among the acoustic sect. They use their vocal chords and fingers to make noise with pre-analogue devices. Consider that our ancestors played them contraptions as we now play mobile phones. In defense of the
ancients, they stuck to sound waves in the parlor rather than the next table while you’re attempting to enjoy a libation and civil discourse. The current possessors of the preidiot box noise machines are out on the streets disturbing the peace of the howling market place mobs! They never get told to put their gramophones on silent mode prior to city council meetings or revival meetings! Also, I believe them to be essentially non-violent or I would not have mentioned them at all. Wednesdays, the usual suspects and their accomplices have been known to gather in the terrace at Monterey’s Toro and Oso’s , at least until I start playing and clear the place. I nearly choked on my porter the other night when I saw that the crowd included Princess Meghan or her body double back from Windsor just in time to catch the Alan’s celebration of bohemian consciousness, occasionally suppressed exhibitionism, and our drinking class’s version of what passes for convivial cultural literacy. Should any attendees ever pause their blather long enough to listen to the music… they would be very much out of character. People, awaken from your lethargy! You know what? Chicken butt! You can’t spend your whole life listening to me and the kids play music on Alvarado Street and MPC. Summer is come! Follow your muse to some live music and aerobics yourself. While wee ones or assisted livingers keeping time on toy percussion implements with me are a pure joy, you may rest assured that the chances of them remaining street percussionist for life are slight. They may well be on the road to becoming architects and engineers. Look at the way the young ones have taken to piling the drum and marimbas into threedimensional assemblages and still manage to use as improvised drum kits. Life is the question. Art is the answer. We’ll cover love next issue.
By Rex Keyes It’s June and the beginning of summer and summer vacation for millions of people. Now the difficult question to answer is how many days to take off for vacation and where to go. In one example it seems if you are single and own a dog, Carmel is the place to go. One doesn’t have to leave the dog
Taking vacation at home allows one to catch up on all the projects around the house. at home with a vacation in Carmel. Just about every restaurant allows dogs. Just go in one and you can see a dog sitting or lying on the
ground at the dining table of its owner. Also walk down the street and one will notice a lot of visitors walking down the streets with their dogs on leashes. Finally just drive all the way down Ocean Avenue to the beach and it is filled with vacationers and their dogs walking and playing on the beach. Carmel Beach should be known as “Dog City.” Then there is vacation taken at home. Taking vacation at home allows one to catch up on all the projects around the house and not worry about them for the rest of the year. For instance, let’s say squirrels have been invading the bird feeder and taken a lot of food. Well, then the project would be how to make the bird feeder squirrel proof so the birds can
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get a decent meal. Of course, one could just go out and buy a squirrel proof bird feeder but modifying the one you have would make a good summer project. One could put the feeder on a tall slippery pole or hang it from a branch with a strong long wire with grease on it. Other home projects would be gardening. Make the garden so it needs little care. For instance, install drought resistant plants, make the irrigation system automatic so it waters itself or take out a lot of the plants and cover a lot of the area with wood chips. Of course, there are a lot of other projects like painting, fixing the fence, plumbing etc. Once they are completed, your summer vacations will now be the weekends after you come home from work
because there are no projects, you are work free. One advantage in doing all these projects for your vacation is telling your spouse that you are staying at home and fixing stuff around the house. You will immediately be put on a pedestal of love. If you are not going to go anywhere on vacation and decide to do the house projects, it would be good to do something special while you are at home like going out to eat a couple of times or taking your spouse for a stroll on the beach or to a play or concert. That would be the secret to keeping the spouse happy instead of just being around the house all day working or watching football or baseball games at night. Just remember these projects being completed will pay for themselves in the long run especially like on a Saturday when you decide to drink some beer and watch sports instead of doing a house project since they were all done during your regular vacation. Happy Summer!!!
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By Lily Brun
The Humongous Fungus Among Us Get this. There’s a fungus, Armillaria solidipes, in Oregon’s Malheur National Forest that covers 3.4 square miles. It’s the largest and perhaps the oldest, 2,400 years and growing, single living organism on the planet. The colloquial name, humongous fungus, makes sense. Anything that covers 2,200 acres deserves that huge and enormous moniker. It creates a killer colony, literally, in the forest floor. This mushrooming community sucks the life out of trees, encircling the bases and killing all the tissues. It’s a leisurely death, the trees are slowly strangled from the ground up. It takes about 20 years or so. Nature can be incredibly brutal. And yet, there is beauty too. The fruiting bodies of this mushroom, which grows mostly underground form in large clumps and are a beautiful amber color. They’re known as honey mushrooms. Hmmm, let’s hope Winnie the Pooh never stumbles across these lethal fungi. This natural phenomenon does, however, have all the makings for a great thriller or mystery or even an “it came from outer space” tale. Here’s my pitch: a projectile
from space falls to earth smack dab in the middle of Malheur National Forest, landing in the heart of the humongous fungus zone. Its extraterrestrial composition sparks a change in the fungus’ DNA, altering it into an aggressively growing organism that rapidly starts to take over the entire forest, smothering everything it comes into contact with. An intrepid forest ranger notices that plants and birds and animals are conspicuously missing from the forest environment. She sets off, alone of course, into the forest to investigate, stumbles across the alien matter, almost gets overwhelmed by the invading fungi, manages to escape covered in gills and caps and spores, raises the alarm which no one believes until people start dying at which point panic ensues and she is left to find a way to eliminate the swarming spores. I like it! It’s a blockbuster in the making. I’m sure the movie-going public would love it. I envision it in 3D, too and some time-lapsed sequences showing this very slowgrowing fungus, mushrooming out of control. I think Humongous Fungus Among Us, that’s what I’m calling this film, could take its place in the pantheon of killer plant horror movies. Right up there with Attack
of the Killer Tomatoes and The Woman Eater and, the iconic, Swamp Thing. The plant kingdom certainly can create a unique brand of terror. It’s easy to get lulled into thinking we have control over these denizens of fields and forests, gardens and farms. It’s considered a kingdom for a reason, it’s a realm with its own rules. I pay homage to this kingdom every spring when I plant my garden, offering good soil, a steady supply of water, sone fertilizer every so often and loving care. It repays me with an abundance of fruits and vegetables. But no mushrooms!
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Writing in a Coffee Shop By Debbie Harris I can’t write at my house. I won’t focus there-I am too distracted by what needs to be done. (See Foolish Times April 2016 “The Cleaning Demon.”) To keep myself from being distracted, I write in a coffee shop—The Cherry Bean, to be exact. I am a tea drinker and they have the best offerings of tea, much better than that national coffee shop that’s on every corner. You know, the one that rhymes with Carducks. My favorite tea right now is Dragon Green Tea, which prompted a man standing in line behind me to ask, “What part of the dragon does that come from?” “The tail,” I responded. I used to drink caffeinated teas, mostly Assam or sometimes Ceylon. I had to
stop when, after a nice strong cup, I began typing 120 words per minute—all gibberish. At the coffee shop I have my favorite booths—a first choice (near an outlet in case I need to plug in) and a second choice, both with cushioned bench seats. My third choice is a table with uncomfortable chairs right across from my two favorite booths. There I sit facing the booths, eagle-eyeing the occupants like a vulture surveying its prey. When an occupant begins to vacate, I pounce. Aaaah, my booth. One of my favorite booths is by the bean roaster, which is operated Monday, Wednesday and Friday. When the bean roaster is on, it hums with a grinding sound as the
blades rotate stirring the beans on the heated surface. There is a burning smell that emits from the coffee bean roaster that’s alluring and alarming at the same time. It’s as if the machine has been set to find the temperature that makes the beans burst into flames and then backs off a couple of degrees. For a while after the machine is turned off there is a lingering smell of near combustion.
I look like I’m a squatter staking claim to a homestead. The reason I need a booth is because I’m a high maintenance writer. No thin, little clipboardsized Mac that fits into a manila envelope for me. I have a laptop PC, a wireless keyboard and mouse, and papers. If you are a writer, you know what I mean by papers —all the papers we’ve jotted ideas on for later development in our writing (unless you type all of your ideas into your phone). I look like I’m a squatter staking claim to a homestead. I keep my papers in a folder, but when I write, I spread them out like I’m putting together a literary puzzle. There are a group of retired men who gather regularly at The
Bean. They read the paper and solve the world’s problems by elder committee. Once I overheard one man saying, “I think we should just bomb anyone who doesn’t do what we want.” That made me glad they aren’t really in charge. Another important aspect of writing in a coffee shop is using the facilities. At The Bean, there are restroom tokens. Be advised: Just because you have a restroom token doesn’t mean the restroom is unoccupied. Knocking before entering is recommended, at least by me to the people who have walked in on me. Responding to other’s knocks is highly encouraged—again, by me. One time I knocked and heard nothing, so I dropped in my token and entered . . . to find a king on the throne. “I knocked,” I stammered after I apologized. I couldn’t look at him after that . . . even though he later sat at the next table right in my direct line of site. Awk-ward. So even if your father isn’t a writer, take him to a coffee shop—even the one called Carducks. And Happy Father’s Day!
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company.
Living in the Now-Wow-Wow
By Robyn Justo Something strange is happening with time. And maybe space too, like nothing is in sync anymore. Have you ever watched a YouTube video where the audio wasn’t matching up? It’s a bit disconcerting, even more so when it happens in real life like when your mind is traveling at warp speed and the body is just a little behind. The other day I watched myself pour (or try to pour) hot water into a cup and I missed it entirely. I see people weeble-walking their canine companions on the beach trails like they need more caffeine or their little bodies just aren’t catching up to the plan of where they want to go. I’m tempted to tip a few over sometimes, but I would probably be a bad person if I did.
I walked into a trendy store recently, one I had no business being in at my age but I pretended I was looking for stuff for the kids that I don’t have. I almost lost it when I saw a huge display of colorful scrunchies. You got it. Scrunchies! What year was this?
I think we need to be like little doggies and live in the now-wowwow. It wasn’t too long ago that anyone wearing one of these things would be glared at, pointed at, or no matter how young she (or he) looked, people would know the truth about their age and lack of fashion forward or current sense.
I gave away all of my oversized jean jackets a few years ago and now they are back in style and expensive as heck. What is it about fashion and timing and should we just save it all or not give a darn about it in the first place because it WILL come back in style. I’m wearing braids again like a school girl. I don’t care. But I broke down and bought a few jean jackets online, second-hand on a ridiculously addictive site called Poshmark because I refuse to pay exorbitant prices for something I recently gave away and want again. One of them was probably mine in another life anyway. I think we need to be like little doggies and live in the now-wowwow. Doggie fashion hopefully won’t go out of style so as they trot next to their weebles, no worries
have they (true dat). The only timing they are concerned with is when it’s time to “feed me, pet me, love me, and take me outside to do my business.” Unconditionally loving, no dogma, karma, past lives, or fashion faux paws. Granted in the bigger scheme of things, all of this might be as insignificant as the last crumb at the bottom of a GMO modified cereal box or a corpuscle in the arterial vein of an Arcturian aardvark. There are much more important things to worry about than being in sync or in style in this circle of life, eh? So proudly Forever 21 in pigtails, I give my very best Vulcan salute and say, “Live long and Posh-per.” I’m just really glad I saved my scrunchies.
MAKE ME We attended the Home Brew Fest in Oldtown. Lots of great beer and lots of great answers!
INGREDIENTS • 1 can beer • 1/4 cup soy sauce • 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 3 cloves garlic, minced • 2 lbs flank steak • Salt & Pepper
DIRECTIONS 1. Combine beer, soy sauce, brown sugar, and garlic; mix well 2. Place steak in marinade and refrigerate at least 2 hours 3. Preheat grill to medium heat 4. Grill steak 4 to 5 minutes per side, or until center is cooked to medium-rare 5. Slice on an angle across the grain
1. Beer is the third most consumed beverage in the world. What are the first two? 2. Who were the first beer makers and what were they called? 3. What country has the most beer brands? 4. What is the oldest recipe known to man?
Jeffrey // Arroyo Brewing 1. Ice from China and Budweiser 2. Women. They were called Beer Wives 3. United States 4. Beer. 10,000 years ago
Aaron // The Collective 1. Wine and water 2. Definitely men. I don’t know what they were called 3. United States 4. Beer. 10,000 years ago
Armando // Three Dudes Brewing 1. Water and vodka 2. Men. I have no idea what they were called 3. Germany 4. Beer. 5,000 years ago
Paul // Watsonville Ale 1. Breast milk and water 2. Men. I don’t know maybe Mark? 3. United States for sure 4. Beer. 500 years ago
Mark and Trevor // Trash Ale 1. Coffee and wine 2. Men, women, men, women…we can’t agree. They were called Brewmeisters 3. United States 4. Beer. A long time ago
By Stacy Lininger
Meet Moe Better Mann Stacy: Why is comedy important? Moe: Comedy is important because humans need a stress release. Sometimes sex isn’t available for that stress release. Comedy serves many functions. It serves to point out the contradictions we face in life. Sometimes it points out the shared foibles we all go through, and we get a release as a society in the form of laughter. It also releases endorphins which, on a cellular level, makes us healthier. Stacy: What contradictions do we face in life? Moe: We face plenty of contradictions. We as humans
are full of contradictions. Real example: I was talking to a woman who was berating me for having a beer, reminding me that I have killed thousands of brain cells. The next moment she lit a cigarette!?! Stacy: And your beer wasn’t getting into her lungs. Do mind talking about black people, you in particular? Moe: Yes, but I can only speak for myself. African Americans are not a monolith. Stacy: So I guess I was wrong to say black? Moe: No, some people are okay with black, African American, or even Negro! Stacy: I am cool being called white, although my shade changes momentarily. I have also been called worse being a woman
What rhymes with June? Answers on pg 24
Boon Hewn Noon Strewn Prune Swoon Croon Loon Rune Tune Dune Lune Soon Goon Spoon Baboon Cocoon Doubloon Maroon Platoon
and all. But feel free to call me princess. Moe: I can only imagine that would be annoying after awhile.
Stacy: Robin Williams stole jokes. Moe: That’s what they say, but he’s still a comedy legend. Can’t take that away from him!
Stacy: How you are treated as a black comedian compared to a white comedian? I am just asking since civil rights issues still don’t seem to be resolved. Moe: Once when I was working in a club in Sacramento, I was opening for a white guy with a guitar and he was dropping the F bomb every five minutes. I opened with 20 minutes of clean comedy using the clinical word penis once in my act. The club owner came up to me and said that he was getting complaints about me being dirty for using the clinical term. I learned at that point the reality was, if you were black and drop F bombs, white audiences would not accept that. Fine on the Chitlin circuit but not fine in mainstream comedy clubs.
Stacy: You are right. He took away that which audiences loved most. He turned the best of comedy into a tragedy. Speaking of best, you must get a lot of wedding bookings since you are the moe better mann instead of the best man. Moe: LOL! I do a joke about that! Stacy: What is it? Moe: I can’t go to weddings anymore. I walk in and there’s the bride, the groom, the best man, and then in the blogs the Moe Bettermann. The groom says why are you the Moe Bettermann? And I say I’ve already slept with the bride. Follow Moe Better Mann on Facebook at facebook/moe.bettermann
Stacy: I get similar discrimination as a woman. Moe: I think it’s still harder for women but more women’s voices are being heard. Wanda Sykes is one of my favorite comedians! Stacy: What do you think of Amy Schumer? Moe: I think she’s funny. I know she’s taking some hits for stealing jokes but sometimes you come up with jokes simultaneously with another comedian or it’s possible she heard something and forgot it. I am looking forward to her new movie. The premise is funny.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
A good outdoor activity to do with kids is trying to find them after you’ve been looking at your phone for three hours.
Head and Shoulders A blonde, a brunette and a red head were in an elevator when a handsome man stepped in. After a couple of floors he left the elevator. After he left the red head said, “Man was he hot!” The brunette said, “Yeah but he could use some head and shoulders.”
The blonde thought for a while and said, “How do you give a man shoulders?”
Blonde Painter A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart. While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going
to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a fleece and a mink coat. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room. He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats? She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, “For Best Results, Put on Two Coats!”
Blond Dad A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he asks. “I’m having a heart attack!” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his four-year old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!” The Dad slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. “You scumbag!” says the husband. “My wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
One-eyed Blonde Two blondes are walking down the road when one says, ‘’Look at that dog with one eye!’’ The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, “Where?’’
Dumb Guys There were two blond guys working for the city council. One would dig a hole, the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what’s the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again.” The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees called in sick today.
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. -Frank Sinatra
By Daria James
Living My Life is Like Golden June is my favorite month, for it is the most wonderful time of the year, the genesis of summer and most importantly the celebration of my liberation from the confinements of the womb nation. (Take that, Kanye!) Some might argue this birthday to be a milestone in the life of Daria and just the other day I was brushing my hair when I encountered a white hair, just the one. My immediate reaction was yes! I am going to rock the white. Maybe I will stop getting carded when I order alcoholic drinks. Some people have asked me if I take anything to delay my aging process. I really do not have an answer. Could be my dysfunctional gene pool, could be the red wine and cigars, could be the cocoa butter I use to moisturize. The green tea I drink. Could be all the red meat and fruits I eat (not very fond of vegetables, unless they are in salsa or pico de gallo form).
Exercising regularly and hydrating, perhaps. It works for Tom Brady, and so it does pour moi. Bottom line, it is always a combination of factors, never one alone. Life is about balance, although I do not wear those shoes. You see what I did there? I wear Chucks II. I look cool and I have arch support. Support is important, you guys.
The key is to be genuine when you give; it is also perfectly fine to set boundaries. Not only have I gotten older, I have matured and worked on being a better version of myself as time progresses, however, I can tell you some things remain the same. I continue to love the ocean and the sun. When I bike in the trails I feel connected with nature. I also feel free and look great wearing lycra shorts. Since I am also wiser now, I will share some of the ideologies I have
incorporated into my life. I would also like to share I have not always been this way. I went through an absorption process. I have learned life is about our experiences, for there are no wrong paths. Life can be hectic at times, you may lose a battle here and there, but that does not mean you will lose the war. I have realized I am just a combination of many truths, and I embraced myself with my flaws. Fools will continue to encounter the same obstacles because they have not learned the lesson the universe is trying to teach them. Some individuals cannot take a hint. I know I had to redo a couple of lessons. I was double-checking and yes, it was me. I was the one with the problem. Nonetheless, I’m not like that no more. Do not take things personally, even if someone directly attacked your persona. That says a lot more than less about them then it does about you. Those who seek to elevate themselves by placing others down are insecure and feel threatened by those they speak ill about. At all costs, you must disregard them, do not empower them by giving them attention. To put it simply: haters gonna hate. To quote Jill Scott, “Hate on me hater, now or later, cause I’m gonna do me. You’d be mad, baby.”
Do not do things for people expecting something in return. If you want to help someone monetarily, or give them a ride home, do it because you enjoy it. The universe will thank you later perhaps in a different manner. The key is to be genuine when you give; it is also perfectly fine to set boundaries. No means no and maybe is not a yes, unless everyone is drunk. Not! Learn to forgive. Keeping grudges as if they are little pets will cause abundant harm to your soul. There is a lesson to be learned with every heartache. Learn that lesson, make adjustments and you will not make the same mistake again. You will also be better suited to deal with similar circumstances. Do not compare yourself to others and love yourself before you wreck yourself, no seriously, set your love foundation for the future generations and the right people will enter your life. Almost simultaneously, those bringing negativity into your life will exit stage right, and that is fine.
Q: Which hand is it better to write with? A: Neither, it’s best to write with a pen! Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot! Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular? A: Because it has a lot of dates! Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks? A: Her nose! Q: Did you hear about the robbery last night? A: Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants! Q: Why did Billy go out with a prune? A: Because he couldn’t find a date! Q: How do you cure a headache? A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear! Q: Why don’t traffic lights ever go swimming? A: Because they take too long to change! Q: Why did the man run around his bed? A: To catch up on his sleep!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Sing Sing who? Whoooooo!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Zaire Zaire who? Zaire is polluted!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Woo Woo who? You don’t have to get so excited!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Police Police who? Police let us in. It’s raining outside!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Your mom Your mom who? Your mom! Now open the door or you’re grounded.
Knock, knock Who’s there? Who Who who? I didn’t know you were an owl!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Doctor Doctor who? You know my name! Knock, knock Who’s there? Lena Lena who? Lena little closer and I’ll tell you! Knock, knock Who’s there? Dinosaur Dinosaur who? Dinosaurs don’t go who, they go ROAR! Knock, knock Who’s there? Pooh Pooh who? Don’t you know Winnie the Pooh?
Knock, knock Who’s there? Uriah Uriah who? Keep uriah on the ball! Knock, knock Who’s there? You You who? Isn’t that a drink?! Knock, knock Who’s there? A little boy A little boy who? A little boy who can’t reach the doorbell. Knock, knock Who’s there? Kanga Kanga who? No, Kangaroo!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Philip Philip who? Philip up my glass please, I’m thirsty!
Knock, knock Who’s there? You know You know who? Actually, I prefer to be called Voldy. It sounds much cooler! Don’t you think?
Knock, knock Who’s there? Russian Russian who? Stop rushin’ me!
Knock, knock Who’s there? You You who? Did you say yahoo.com?!
Knock, knock Who’s there? Butch, Jimmy and Joe Butch, Jimmy and Joe who? Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a little kiss, and I will Joe home. Knock, knock Who’s there? Hada Hada who? Had a great time, how about you? Knock, knock Who’s there? Olive Olive who? Olive you. (I love you) Knock, knock Who’s there? Justice Justice who? Justice once, let me in please. Knock, knock Who’s there? Bach Bach who? Bach, bach I’m a chicken. Knock, knock Who’s there? Armageddon Armageddon who? Armageddon out of here if you don’t let me in! Knock, knock Who’s there? Easter Egg Easter Egg who? You crack me up! Knock, knock Who’s there? Some bunny Some bunny who? Some bunny has been eating my carrots! Knock, knock Who’s there? Abe Abe who? Abe C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z.
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from page 20
Three golfing buddies had a discussion about coincidences. The first man said, “My wife was reading a Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins.” The second man remarked, “my wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets.” The third man shouted, “I have to rush home! When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.”
Thank you all for reading
YEARS OF GREAT BEE 7 1 G N I T A R B E L R CE
and supporting our advertisers
Big Sur Canna+Botanicals would like to invite you to the 17th Annual Monterey Beer Festival
July 07, 2018 | 12:30 – 5:00 PM Monterey county Fair & Event Center THE LINE UP 11:45 AM –1:15 PM DJ Fredo 1:45 PM – 3:15 PM Spazmatics 3:45 PM – 5:00 PM Daze on the Green
MAIN FESTIVAL TICKETS $45.00 in advance or $50.00 at the gate.
Admission includes souvenir tasting glass Designated Driver Tickets available: $20.00
SPECIAL VIP AREA! $70.00 in advance or $80.00 at the gate. Beat the crowd and come in early at 11:30 am
Our 3rd Anniversary
to enjoy the VIP area, Souvenir tasting glass, Private Bathrooms and complimentary food! *We will stop serving beer at 4:00 pm.
Festival and Ticket info www.montereybeerfestival.com
VIP Brought to you by: Open Daily For Lunch & Dinner
Tickets available at www.montereybeerfestival.com Monterey County Fair & Event Center 2004 Fairground Road, Monterey, CA
Private Parties Welcome
CHEERS TO BEER!
429 Alvarado St, Monterey | www.fullmoonmonterey.com
It’s the 87th annual party for the City of Monterey’s birthday. A day to enjoy the diverse legacies of people, stories, and places that shape Monterey. montereyhistory.org
59 years of celebrating the ‘choke’. This event supports the heritage of the Castroville farming community. artichokefestival.org
Comedy @ Cibo’s
Kabir “Kabeezy” Singh is hot off his Comedy Central Debut and in town to make you laugh. Dave Bressoud and Billy O’Connor also appear. cibo.com
With race names like Spartan Sprint, Super Spartan, Spartan Beast and Death Race its endurance races like no other. spartan.com
A magical spring performance of Peter and the Wolf. Spectacular dance and an array of original costumes and set design. spectordance.org
A wide scope of doll making includes plaster mold making, wigging and the designing and making of detailed doll props. niada.org
Solarzar’s Magic and Mystery Show
Monterey Wine Fest
Rock & Rods
Two days of cool cars and music by the original Big Brother & the Holding Company. montereyrockrod.com
Doll Making Conference
Originated in 1885. Commemorates the adoption of the flag. The Army also celebrates its birthday today. usflag.org
An entertaining journey of suspended disbelief. Come and enjoy an evening of magic, mystery and fun. pinkflamingotheater.org
42nd annual event, this event offers hundreds of wines and beer. Also includes the West Coast Clam Chowder Competition, Kings of Calamari and Cocktail Camp. montereywine.com
Noted Monterey Bay historian and author, Tim Thomas leads you on a fascinating day of local culture and history. oldmontereyfoundation.org
Lower Presidio Walking Tour
What a great combination. Finally a chance to yell BINGO before the game even starts! sovinowinebar.com
A celebration for the end of the seven million dollar West Broadway Village Infrastructure project. ci.seaside.ca.us
C.V. Art and Wine
Over 50 artists, great wine and strolling musicians in a great sun splashed day in the Valley. carmelvalleychamber.com
A day to honor your dad by letting him have the TV remote.
Bayonet Blackhorse hosts the 51 edition of this tournament. Featuring 312 players. pgalinks.com
Laguna Seca hosts the World Superbike World Championship series fielding 30 riders of a dozen different nationalities on eight competitive manufacturer brands. weathertechraceway.com.
Yoga & Beer
A happy hour that speaks to your body, mind, and taste buds. portolahotel.com
Monterey Blues Festival Featuring Blues Music award winner and Grammy nominee Kenny Neal. Feed your soul with the blues. montereyinternational bluesfestival.com
To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
105 CENTRAL AVE, PACIFIC GROVE 2311 N FREMONT ST, MONTEREY (831) 717-4479 // www.secondchancepg.org
402 LIGHTHOUSE AVE, MONTEREY (831) 641-9919 // www.platosclosetmonterey.com
RESALE TRAIL THE BEST IN REPURPOSED, CONSIGNED, VINTAGE & THRIFT!
Trade In, Trade Up! Buys and sells trendy teen and young adult guys and girls’ clothing.
SPCA BENEFIT SHOP
26364 CARMEL RANCHO LN. CARMEL-BY-THE-SEA (831) 624-4211 // www.spcamc.org The SPCA is an independent nonprofit organization serving the animals & people of Monterey County since 1905.
JUNE HABITAT RESTORE
4230 GIGLING ROAD, MARINA (831) 272-4830 // www.habitatmontereybay.org Benefits Habitat for Humanity Monterey County. Provides safe and affordable shelter for needy family and communities.
FEATURED SHOP SPCA BENEFIT SHOP
Shop for gorgeous furniture, unique gifts, boutique clothing, housewares, artwork, jewelry and more. Your support helps recue pets and wildlife in Monterey County.
Ready or not, summer is here.