I wanted fruit... ...the baby wanted ChocoLate MORE CARTOONS! Event Calendar Â» Pg. 26
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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Dana Larrabee, Keith Larson Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, C.J. Paghasian, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt
The Chucklehead Speaks Getting up and out of the house before the devil puts his shoes on and the brain is running on high RPMs from over caffeinating, I’m going to switch gears and dedicate this column to the creature called change. Change by definition has lost its meaning. Vote for change, I promise to change, I see no change, why should I change? The cashier doesn’t know how to make change. Change your mind if you still have a mind to change. My definition of change requires a component called executing an action. This is what makes change real and moves ideas in a direction that sounds good at the time. Too much caffeine makes you feel that way. Toss in a small amount of calculated risk for excitement and we just printed the March edition of Foolish Times.
In this issue, we added more cartoons, redesigned the Resale Trail, picked on a pregnant lady, gave props to bees, reported on a local basketball game, interviewed Paulette Lynch’s comedic brother, made fun of Facebook and going to the gym, added more jokes, pointed out the silly things people do while driving, answered the question why blondes are the best, realized our future is all about technology, found out going to the dentist is really not that bad and drank way too much coffee. That’s a lot of change from the foolishness of the February issue. I look forward to more coffee and more changes in the April edition. Please support our advertisers.
Stevie P. / firstname.lastname@example.org
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A man with a talking parrot is getting married. On the day of the wedding he says to the parrot “Now look here, I know you always sat in that window sticking your beak in, when my new wife and I get back from the wedding I want you to turn around and no matter what you hear I do not want you to turn back or I’ll break your neck, do you understand?” The parrot reluctantly agrees. On returning from the wedding
the parrot turns around as instructed, and behind him the bride and groom start to pack for the honeymoon. The wife however has packed too much and they can’t get the case closed. “Get on top and sit on it baby!” says the man. The woman does so and grunts and moans but can’t shut the case. “You get on top baby it might be better” says the wife. So the man grunts and groans and tries his best but still can’t shut the case. After a little thought the man says, “Ok we’ll both get on top see if that’s any better!” The parrot turns around and says, “Neck or no neck I have to see this!”
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Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing. He found her to be possessive and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence.
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T h e S ixt h S ens e
By Robyn Justo
I was a very forgiving little kid. Not that I had a short memory or was a glutton for punishment, but I always hoped that people, and other kids, would change their behavior. Call me codependent. Take Annabelle my next door neighbor. One afternoon when I was five, Mom bathed and dressed me up cutely to go play with my friend. Minutes later I returned home, soaking wet from dearest Annabelle hosing me down. So Mom dried me off and changed me and my resilience and positive expectations led me back next door only to have Annabelle soak me one more time. This time Mom took me by
my little wet paw and marched me over to Annabelle’s mother and together we told the story. I remember grinning when Annabelle’s mom didn’t say a word, calmly walked outside, took the hose in her hand, and sprayed Annabelle until her “waterboarded” wails could be heard all the way down the street. One would get arrested doing this to a child now, but it seemed to work well back then and most importantly it kept me dry. All of this takes me to the point of empathy, what I think might be our dormant sixth sense. Not sure if it includes seeing dead people but I think it might be simply
about seeing other live ones outside of our MYopic view. Some innately have this ability and to others it’s a missing gene. Some need to be shocked or soaked into realizing how others besides themselves might feel. It’s all part of the Kindergarten clues and lessons we are given early in life as kids in a sandbox.
All of this takes me to the point of empathy, what I think might be our dormant sixth sense. Some learn by trial and error too. My cousin Vincie at a very young age almost rubbed his little black friend’s hands raw trying to get them white until the boy finally said, “Vince, that’s my color!” Vincie then learned that some kids are brown, black, yellow, red, and even orange. We then assume or are hopefully taught that all colors are ok.
www.foolishtimes.net “Why is that mean boy orange, Mama?” “It’s ok, Honey. He probably eats too many carrots.” I accepted that. Unfortunately we are also taught to compete and move fast or lose our spot (or our chair) and hurt our bottoms, all of this while the music plays and we start to learn not to share or be generous and allow someone to sit in our stead. We are still kids in a sandbox. Some of the games change and some stay the same. Button, button, who’s got the button? Someone needs to tell the orange boy with the missing gene to stop eating so many carrots or take his toys away (and for God’s sake his buttons). And remind him that if the world turns to ashes, we ALL fall down. Still not sure what the hell the Hokey Pokey means in all of this. Row, row, row your boat. Life is but a dream. Maybe that’s what it’s all about.
Every 60 seconds in America, a minute passes.
An Irish priest gets stopped for speeding in Marina. The cop asks, “Have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest replies, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Comments Welcome: email@example.com Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram It used to be enticing to follow you, but can’t get past that smell of rotten eggs ... not quite the new growth you envisioned. It’s that ol’ demon of guilt butting his hungry head against yours. Putting on the Ritz & doing the Boogie Woogie gambol will temporarily distract you, and possibly re-attract your followers. But first toss the eggs out! (The pink ones too). Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull Your grunting tantrum won’t even begin to loosen the fence post you have fastened yourself to. What’s eating you is that you have demanded SECURITY and now it’s giving you the blues. If you want to make it to the One O’Clock Jump forget being the Goody Goody. Get a wiggle on! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You’re all wet about migrating towards commercial! This could wipe out your greatest need for freedom and change. It would mean more mazuma, but no more carte blanche in the Alder tree, fluttering above the catkins, with dubious explorations. What a bore, if this was no more. Don’t sell out! Stay True, so you’ll never be Blue. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Looks like a ballroom, smells like a hospital, sounds like a river of Prada, prodding your wallet. AH ~ The Mall, a long haul when it’s your main avenue of distillation. It’s a shoe without a soul wishing it was in a Jazz Night Club. You might be Feelin’ Good temporarily
... best to venture out into the real world of possibility with your crabby agility. Keep on tapping towards a new dawn’s fertility.
you know your sexual desire can turn into a flaming satire. You insist it’s not dire - Liar. It’s a Fever you’ll have to bear.
Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion The Roaring Funnies! You can be a cartoon that zaps the depression out of a flat tire as fast as a crown fire. But when hampered by petty rules you are a white squire and resilient as the Ash tree. Never let any Moochers preach their jive versions over thee! Hidee Hidee Ho, Cat!
Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Unlike you to be grummy! Where is that singing fool with the beer garden smile? This A Train will take you all the way there and that’s what frightens you. Keep eyeing the exit door and you will tie the knot that binds. This Choo Choo whistle may not be for the birds after all, sugar.
Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin It don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that ding! You must do everything so superbly, otherwise you think you’re failing. Beating yourself until you are Black & Blue is a pain in your head. Let this Spring not feel as heavy as lead. Use your magic technique to defeat this illusion of being incomplete. Begin the Beguine!
Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat Slipping through the crevices is one thing, looking between the cracks is another. If you are straddling a black hole, your possibilities are endless. If You are not cozy with ambiguity, pull it apart! Remember the gym floor in It’s a Wonderful Life?! Do the Charleston, Charlie!
Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales Don’t falter at the altar ... remember you built it! Your main interest in a relationship is in yourself, this scale is missing some necessary chord changes and alternating notes may prove harmonic. Use the charms about you to keep climbing the diminished keys and you’ll have that cheek to cheek you invariably seek. Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion So What? A rhapsody for your failed romance?! There is nothing pastel about you. Vividly you sputter oh, come-what-may, but
Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier Everything’s Jake ... when you’re feeling liberal from your toes to your nape! But what’s at stake? Where is the risk? Rejecting
By Bini transformity in your clamorous resistance to conformity, could cause a slipped disk. You can be a champion of a fixed opinion, but does this let you see how a paper moon can swoon in a honky tonk parade? Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes Hot Dawg! You are so keen because it doesn’t matter where you are, (even if you are cemented to a deep sea cave) you can wish upon a star and it will come true. Shake free of any Happy Birthday Heebie-Jeebies, and dive live onto the stage of your life PI. It’s happening my dear. You are going to be coming into some BIG KALE this year. Hell! It’s about time. This ain’t no jive line...
Volleyball is just an intense version of “don’t let the balloon touch the floor.”
May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.
By Lily Brun
The Buzz on Bees I’ve been working a lot in my garden. Winter disappeared from this crazy California weather and we’ve been having a bonanza of sunny days. All of my flowers, which shouldn’t be blooming, but are, are so confused. Of course, once the frost hits, they’ll be dead, only to bloom again in, most likely, the wrong season. Oh well. Flowers at any time of the year make me smile. And, they’ve brought a bunch of honey bees to my yard, buzzing along, busy as, well, bees collecting nectar and making honey. It’s a remarkable fact that one
honey bee has to visit at least two million flowers, gathering nectar, to make one pound of honey. It’s no wonder those worker bees only live about six weeks. Maybe that’s where the term buzz kill got its origins. By the end of their time in the hive they are, quite literally, no longer the life of the party. The honey bee, is a latecomer to the pollinator shindig in California. It’s not even a native, but was brought here by European beekeepers eager to be the queen bee to farmers in need of pollinators. Bees were just agricultural animals, much like cows or pigs or sheep. You raise them. You use them.
That’s where we are now with honey bees. Hives get shipped back and forth across the country. When it’s almond season, they’re in California. In apple blossom time, they’re in the Pacific Northwest. Anywhere fruits and vegetables are grown, there’s a need for honey bees. They pollinate about a third of the food
By the end of their time in the hive they are, quite literally, no longer the life of the party. we eat. The bees get a little road weary after months of travel, but if you’re thinking about getting a bee in your bonnet about all this, don’t. Next time you’re standing in the produce section of the grocery store, think about this … if it weren’t for the mighty honey bee, the selection would be pretty grim. This tiny insect is the bee’s knees of pollinators. It’s also the
only insect that produces a food that people can eat … honey. Wow. That’s what’s keeping beekeepers in the game. That and they great looking suit they get to wear. I know being around a hive can be a stinging experience, but I’ve never worried about bees. In my garden, they’re pretty mellow, intent on making a bee-line for the prized nectar needed to keep the hive alive. I adopt the attitude that it’s none of my beeswax what they’re doing as long as that perspective is reciprocated. I’ve been pretty lucky so far. They continue to buzz into my garden like bees to honey. We have a functioning symbiotic relationship. I plant. Let me spell it out, they P-O-L-L-I-N-A-T-E. Just want you to be prepared in case you get buzzed by a spelling bee.
Drink green beer on St. Patrick’s Day. It counts as a vegetable!
It’s easy to get people up dancing at a party. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.
Stacy talks to comics
By Stacy Lininger
Meet Sean Lynch
Stacy: Funny seems to come from a real sad place. How can we define that? Sean: Comedy is the wild flower that blooms from an angry tragic seed. Stacy: Maybe humor can help heal all that’s wrong in the world. Why did you become a comic when there were so many other options? Sean: I became a comic while becoming a playwright, screenwriter and voice actor. They all feed the beast. Comedy is the most rewarding — instant gratification. Scripts can take years. Stand up is a great proving ground for jokes or stories.
Stacy: What do you care about? Sean: I care about everything. That’s my problem. I put my heart out all the way. I say things I’d rather not reveal. There’s zero wall. I don’t hide behind a persona. I don’t make distant witticisms. I live stories as I tell them every night and sometimes I tell them different. Sometimes I tell the Wee Eddie story (gay best friend) and I get choked up. There are times I tell bad stories about my Dad. It changes like the wind and I do my best not to throw a saddle on it. Stacy: You seem insightful. Sean: I have my good days. It’s a fine line. I’ve been fired for using the same words that got me hired.
March 2018 Stacy: Speaking of getting fired, I take it from your act that you are seriously anti-Trump. Sean: My friends, fans and family know I hate Trump. I knew his son and hated him when I was younger. Stacy: That “hate” part could be the problem. Sean: DJ’s (Trump Jr.) nickname in the Upper East Side bar scene in the late 90s was date-rapea-go-go! He burned every coke dealer from 77th to 86th Street along 2nd Avenue. He was a filthy, arrogant piece of shit and I still want to murder him. Stacy: That murder part could be the problem. Sean: It’s about time someone spoke out about his animal sons. Feel free to quote me. Stacy: You are very funny because you are true. You are angry but there is a lot to be angry about, but his sons are not him. Sean: I know but we Irish are good with the grudges. Stacy: Oh, so that explains why my Irish friend hasn’t spoken to me in years. Sean: The truth is always funny even when it’s awful. The best laughs are accompanied by a blush. Stacy: I have never seen a comic blush. Sean: The blush is from the audience. Stacy: Because you are hitting the truth. Sean: It’s the shameful recognition of a quiet universal truth about sex, loneliness, family…anything. It makes them laugh but the truth of it cuts deep. Those are the best laughs. Light, fluffy, and clever is boring to me. It’s beige comedy.
Stacy: I adore you. Sean: Likewise. Stacy: One thing we disagree about though is Jerry Seinfeld’s comedy. He’s actually one of my favorites next to Bill Maher. Sean: I suspect Jerry doesn’t dig downtown comics. He was never a Greenwich Village guy, strictly Caroline’s and Comic Strip Live. I’ll always be Greenwich Village. The Robin Williams, Dave Chapelle, Marc Maron or Sarah Silverman types always play downtown. Robin played downtown, late at night, even when the clubs were empty. I do admire Seinfeld’s business savvy though and he is a brilliant joke technician, perhaps the greatest joke writer ever, but I find his performances calculated and boring. Everyone likes different jokes. Stacy: Who do you like? Sean: I like Patton Oswald, Colin Quinn and Maria Bamford. I don’t like Seinfeld or David Brenner, or the old school. I liked Gary Shandling because there was vulnerability underneath the wit. There’s no soft spot on Seinfeld. He’s like a cat. He can take the world or leave it. Stacy: So this whole time I thought my cat was kissing me, she’s just been sniffing for food?? Sean: I met Seinfeld a few times at the Friar’s and it was like meeting furniture. Stacy: Hopefully it was at least a Farbman! For more information on Sean go to his Instagram page at: Geezerlynch@instagram.com
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Answers on page 24
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Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Because I can! The other day I was working out at the gym. I also made sure I checked in on Facebook, otherwise it doesn’t count. Your muscles know. I do not drink a bro-tein shake, nor do I have a routine per se. I mostly do cardio and exercise some crucial areas of my interest. I mostly work out so I can eat red velvet donuts and stuff my face with delicious food. Then I turn that fuel into muscle. Life is about balance. I avoid the bro section at the gym. Then I go to the sauna where I proceed to do some light post-workout stretches, because it’s going down and I’m yelling limber.
I do wonder if he would have said the same thing to a woman who looked like she could use some advice as well, or another out of shape male. Jay was arrested for speeding, reckless driving, violating traffic signals and driving without headlights. He demanded a trial by jury. “You can’t possibly win your case,” advised his friend. “I know,” replied Jay. “I did this on purpose. My cousin just passed the bar exam and this is going to be his first case. I want him to lose and then maybe he’ll get discouraged and get an honest job.” Tony and Sarah are your hosts and owners of the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be warmed by their hospitality and humor.
Suddenly, this older, clearly out of shape man decided to talk to me about my body. He said I needed to do lighter weights and I do not know what else because I zoned out while I was doing the equation in my head, and I could not figure out how or when I requested his unwanted advice. Because I am polite, I nodded and smiled then I excused myself and left the sauna. As I was driving home, I started thinking about that nice male privilege. I could just tell everyone who does not look like me how to live their life. He probably thought he was doing me a favor by sharing
his wisdom with me. Like you know what, my life is so great and I have overcome nothing. Life is easy. Let me tell these women how to live their lives. Matter of fact, I am running for office, any office really, I will deliver my message and we can all live life according to me. Yes, we all have different needs and wants, but MY needs and wants are better and you too can be like me… no, you cannot have your own opinion. Vote for me. I got home and drank a glass of wine, because it’s good for your heart, and I had just worked out, and it helps to calm my nerves when I experience unpleasantness. I moved on after that glass of wine. Letting go of things seems to be a very complicated process for some people. They blast it on social media and everyone can chime in. But when you know better, you should do better. It was not worth it for me to engage any further. He was not going to learn. He is too old and set on his ways, and now I am telling you about it because I am the bigger person, and a woman and I do what I want. I do wonder if he would have said the same thing to a woman who looked like she could use some advice as well, or another out of shape male. I guess I could have taken a compliment, but I do think he had low standards. Like, why should I listen to my drunk uncle’s advice when his life is a mess? One time I was at a gay club in Japan and a 6’4” older white male was wearing a dress and make up as we were in line to use the restroom. I was wearing a tank top and some jeans and he told me I had a nice body. Now, that was a compliment from a source I could trust.
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To Build a Kite By Jann Gargiulo In mid-March, Saturdays were special. Daddy would come back home from the grocery store, bringing LOTS of brown paper bags! We kids knew it was time to build kites! The boys would actually build the kites. First, they would unfold the bags, measure them to make triangle kites and draw lines to indicate where we younger kids were to decorate our kite. Mom had already gotten the supplies: branches of wood from outside, string, LOTS of string! She always had on hand the scissors and tape, and for glue we used the whites of eggs. She also needed some old cotton strips for the tail of the kite. And with 10 to 12 kids … that’s a lot of pieces
of cloth! She always had it, every year! The boys began by placing the bag face down on the table. Each end was folded in about a half inch all the way around. Next, string was measured to fit all the way around the kite without a break. Then the string was placed in the half inch space and held to the folded edge by one of the boys while one of the others used the egg white to secure the edge, like glue. Next, attaching the sticks to the kite. First the ends of each stick had to have a small slash cut into it for the string to fit. So with all the branches ready the boys placed the long stick top to bottom, and the shorter stick
side to side, allowing the string to fit nicely into the slots they had cut in the branches. Where the branches crossed, they poked one hole on one side of the branch and another hole on the other side, putting the sting through the
A kite gets very high and shows off its beauty to the world, even if it has a damaged lower string.
two holes front to back looping it through several times, finishing in the back. Now, this is where the string goes when we’re ready to fly the kite; but there needs to be a tail! My brothers would just attach one long (about 20 feet) cotton strip of cloth at first. Then as we started to fly the kite one brother or another would determine how
“Organic Produce with Harris Ranch Corned Beef.” many small pieces of cloth needed to be attached. By the time it was all done, and God obliged us with some wind, we were all out on the hill above where we farmed having the time of our lives! We were laughing and giggling and having so much fun! Now don’t get me wrong, there were fights sometimes, but Daddy put a stop to those very quickly! The punishment wasn’t worth it! We really DID (and still do) love each other! Although a kite gets very high and shows off its beauty to the world, even if it has a damaged lower string, the one who holds the end of the string has the control over the kite. We all learned that family is really important and we can do anything TOGETHER!
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‘Mister Seagull’ Presented by the Sand City Chamber of Commerce
Hi, most people call me Mister Seagull. My real name is Seacliff, but, like everybody else, you can just call me Mister Seagull. Most people when they ﬁrst see me will ask me what my name is. Because I can't speak in a language that people can understand, I just stare at them. That's when most people just call me Mister Seagull. I was born and raised and still live in Sand City, California. It's a beautiful place for a Seagull like me to live in. I have plenty of Paciﬁc Ocean to satisfy most of my eating and recreation needs. The everyday temperature is just about perfect, not too hot and not too cold. What more can a Seagull ask for? For entertainment I have two big shopping centers where I get to see thousands and thousands of different people every day who come to do their shopping. And if that's not good enough, there are a few eating establishments where sometimes someone might leave behind some tasty leftover samples. Sometimes the samples are in a bag, but, that doesn't stop me. I'm a pretty good bag shaker. I remember this one time when I was shaking a McDonald’s bag, (one of my favorites), when out sprang a Chicken McNugget. I thought I was in Heaven. Then things got even better when a couple of fries popped out. These are the kinds of stories I will tell my children one day.
Continued at: www.MisterSeagull.com
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MAKE ME Irish Soda Bread Mufﬁns INGREDIENTS • 2 1/4 cp ﬂour • 2 tsp baking powder • 1/4 tsp baking soda • 1/2 tsp salt •1/3 cp sugar •1 1/2 cp raisins
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From your co-worker who is going to have to cover for you the next day because you are sleeping off your hangover.
The Human Race and Robots By Rex Keyes It appears that the human race throughout the globe is adapting happily to modern technology. Just about everyone is into iPads, flat screen telephones, texting and internet shopping. Even our television sets have advanced in the modern world. We now have remote controls that one can talk to. Just speak the name of the TV program you want to watch and it will show up on your screen. Then select the choice called “On Demand” in which one can see the availability of past episodes. Let’s say you had to go somewhere one night and weren’t able to see any of your comedy shows. Well the next evening one can just mention to the remote the name of the show and the episodes will come up on the screen and you will be able to select the past episode that you missed. However, there is technology that is far more advanced than that little remote control that will probably change the human race in the next 50 years. In Japan they have developed anatomically correct humans that are robots that can speak, walk and accomplish things. Pretty soon they will be able to wash the car, cook a meal, clean the
house, do laundry, etc. Now how will humans use these robots? Will they use them as servants or domestic partners, wives or husbands?
In Japan they have developed anatomically correct humans that are robots that can speak, walk and accomplish things. The problem will be if they are to be used as a wife or husband, how will one program them? Should there be differences like politics, watching reality TV, comedy or drama, dressing differently, going out or staying in, owning or renting a home and the type of food to eat. If your partner is programed to agree with you on everything then the lifestyle might be somewhat boring. If there are differences, then that will be like real life style marriages making living together somewhat more interesting. And if there are too many differences then a
divorce will not be necessary, just a reprogramming. The biggest problem is that the robot doesn’t age but you will. Someone will get your robot when you pass on. But the robot you’ve kept for many years may not be able to be modernized to the technological advances of the new robots. It is sort of like the new cars compared to older models. Your partner might be disposed of unless you have enough feelings for it to maybe have it cremated and buried with you. Now there is one item that is possible in the future. When a person dies, their body dies but the brain may be able to be saved and transferred over to say an advanced biological created human being. By then, science may be able to take your DNA and make a clone of you in the laboratories. Then all that would be needed would be to transfer the thoughts of the brain of the old body over to the new body. I am sure people will be relieved of the hardship of producing kids since now they will all be made in the labs. Happy St. Patrick’s Day and don’t forget to spring your clocks forward!
March 2018 Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Boo Boo who? Stop crying you little baby.
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Doctor who Doctor Doctor who? That’s a great T.V. show. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Doris Doris who? Doris locked, why you think I’m knocking.
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Leaf Leaf who? Leaf the house, you’re not the owner anymore. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Spell Spell who? W-H-O
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Yay Yah who? No, I prefer Google.
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Wanda Wanda who? Wanda hang out with me?
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Nana Nana who? Nana your business.
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Mikey Mikey who? Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? I scream I scream who? I scream tastes good on a hot day. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Figs Figs who? Figs the doorbell, it’s broken. Knock, Knock Who’s there? Opportunity Don’t be silly, opportunity doesn’t knock twice. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Dwayne Dwayne who? Dwayne the bathtub, I’m drowning.
Knock, Knock! Who’s there? A little girl A little girl who? A little girl who can’t reach the doorbell. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Alex Alex who? Alex the questions round here. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Ivana Ivana who? Ivana leave this place. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Tex Tex who? Tex two to tango. Knock, Knock! Who’s there? Wooden shoe Wooden shoe who? Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
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If Dorothy can click her heals together and get to Kansas, why can’t I click my flip flop together and get to the beach?
Traveling Blondes An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stayover in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she cried, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘DO NOT DISTURB!’”
Two blondes were on holiday in Navajo country and they drove through a small township called ‘Chihanchako.’ The one blonde turned to the other and said, “Gee how do ya pronounce that?” The other one shrugged and said, “Maybe we can ask when we stop for lunch.” So in the small township they stopped and walked into a fast
food place where the first blonde said, “Excuse me but how do ya pronounce this place we’re in?” The blonde girl behind the counter looked them both up and down, rolled her eyes, and said slowly “B-U-R-G-E-R- K-I-N-G.”
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, ‘Cruise Special -- $99.’ She goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the Bow River, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She, too, is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float sideby-side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?” The second blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.” There’s a blonde, a brunette and a redhead traveling through the desert when their car suddenly
stalls. They all get out of the car and, upon realizing that it’s not going to start, they each take one thing from the car. The brunette takes a bottle of water, the redhead takes a bag of food with her, and the blonde takes the car door. They begin to walk through the desert, and soon stop to rest. At this point the blonde and the brunette turn to the redhead and ask her why she brought the food. She replies, “Well, in case I get hungry I’ll have something to eat.” They all think this is pretty reasonable and then the redhead and the blonde turn to the brunette and ask her why she decided to bring water. The brunette replies, “Well, in case I got thirsty I’ll have something to drink.” They all decide that’s good idea, too. Finally, the brunette and the redhead turn to the blonde and ask her why on earth she would take the car door. She replies, “Well, I thought if I got hot I could roll down the window.”
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the ‘no haggle’ attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he
spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouted out, “Dang it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
Once there were three people in an airplane. The first one took a bite out of an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little girl who was crying and they asked, “Little girl, little girl, why are you crying?” And the little girl said, “An apple came down and killed my new kitty.” Next they passed a little boy who was also crying. And they again asked, “Little boy, little boy, why are you crying?” And the little boy said, “A lemon came down and killed my new puppy.” Then they passed a blonde sitting on the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, “Why are you laughing so hard?” And the blonde said, “I farted and the building behind me blew up!!”
Ja mb o r e e Assisted Living
The people who live in assisted living communities have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn’t show up for breakfast so a resident went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour later he still hadn’t arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming
down the stairs but was having a hell of a time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn’t in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.
www.foolishtimes.net The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?” ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirtyfive, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
March is All About Movement Answers on pg 24
Stride Walk Troop Step Pace Tread Footslog Slog Tramp Tromp Hike Trudge Parade File Strut Stalk Stomp Flounce Storm Trek
www.foolishtimes.net ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
March 2018 ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30pm. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
An old cowboy sat down at the Cowboy Bar in Jackson Hole, WY and ordered a glass of beer. As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.” She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.” The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a couple of
tourists sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?!” He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m a lesbian.”
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter. The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease? The farmer stared at the reporter and said, “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?” The lady reporter: Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease? Farmer: Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day? Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point? Farmer: I am getting to the point, Miss. Just imagine, if I was playing with your breasts twice a day and only having sex with you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?
Grooming While Driving
By Debbie Harris
I see them at least once a week on my way to work — women putting on mascara at stoplights. They may also brush on rouge and/or apply lipstick. I confess, I’ve put on mascara on the way to work a few times, but I found it to be the least efficient way to groom. I ended up with splotchy lashes and black smudges on my eyes. Maybe I wasn’t practiced enough. In a time-crunched world, people want to use every minute to multitask. Thus, grooming while driving was born. Another common grooming task people do while driving is cleaning out their nostrils, many without a facial tissue. Reminder
to these people: you are not invisible. Not quite as common, but still seen, are women plucking their eyebrows or filling them in with eyebrow pencil. I’m not one of those women. I let my eyebrows grow wild and untamed like an African jungle. In the interest of time efficiency, particularly for people with long commutes, let’s expand the ability to groom while driving. I’ve never seen anyone trimming their nose hairs or flossing their teeth in the car, but I’ll bet you could do those pretty easily. Fingernail trimming would be pretty easy at stoplights. Keep
A doctor and lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice. “What do you do in these social situations,” asked the doctor. “I answer their questions and send them a bill,” answered the lawyer. Over the next few days the doctor pondered the course of action the lawyer advised and decided he might give it a try. When he opened his mail, he found a bill from the lawyer.
www.foolishtimes.net some clippers in your purse or glove compartment and when you hit that long light at the three lane intersection, just snip, snip, snip those claws back into submission. In fact, why stop there? Let’s accommodate those lower digits too. The trick is to enter the car barefoot or in flip-flops and be sure you have your bolt cutters with you. When you get to that long stop light, throw a foot up on the dashboard and go to town on the lower 10.
If you forget the spit cup, you might have to resort to ptooeying out the window. How about brushing teeth? You could keep a tooth brush and paste in the car. Just grab a bottle of water and a spit cup before going out the door. If you forget the spit cup, you might have to resort to ptooeying out the window. Check for pedestrians first. If you’re a bad aim, the paint on your car door will have 30 percent fewer cavities. Anyone needing a facial shave could do so while driving — with a battery operated electric razor. You’d have to turn up your audio program to hear it over the whir of the blades, but it’s doable. You could even consider cold blade shaving on the go. Lather up in
the driveway and scrap away as you fly down the freeway. You’ll need some water or at least a towel for the final clean up. Arrive at work freshly shaved ready to go to that morning meeting. Even easier than grooming while driving would be grooming as a passenger. Do you ride a bus, metro, or subway? Bring your grooming kit with you and make use of your travel time. Hang a mirror on the subway pole for facial shaves or make-up application. Ask the passenger next to you to hold your spit cup when you brush your teeth. Imagine the grooming while commuting you can do with hands and feet free! Grooming on the go definitely will save you time, but you will have to use some of it for clean-up. Remove shaving foam encrusted towels, wipe the toothpaste off your car door, and find all the wayward toenail clippings. If you groom on public transportation, be sure to clean up after yourself. Don’t put your metro card in jeopardy. So consider these time-savers to make your morning grooming more efficient. You could be a trail blazer — or maybe just leave a trail of shaving foam and toothpaste. And have a Happy Easter!
You don’t need St Pat’s day to spot a leprechaun. There are plenty of strange little men everywhere you go.
By Ted Gargiulo
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs? A: A Bed Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it’s over your head! Q: How many letters are in The Alphabet? A: There are 11 letters in The Alphabet Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy) Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle) Q: David’s father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and? A: David! Q: If you were in a race and passed the person in second place, what place would you be in? A: Second place! Q: What English word has three consecutive double letters? A: Bookkeeper
Originally, I was going to describe my trip to the dentist. Then I thought, how dull! Why would anyone want to read about that? There was nothing vaguely amusing about my experience, or scary. And apart from the initial toothache that prompted the visit, it wasn’t particularly painful. However, as this storyteller recently discovered, drama is as much about one’s perspective as it is one’s presentation. Seeing a dentist is actually one of the few ordeals in life that doesn’t intimidate me. There are far worse trials, far as I’m concerned, than having my teeth worked on. For example, I’d rather undergo a root canal, even an extraction, than balance myself on a ladder. Of course, if it’s a tossup between climbing a ladder and making a phone call, I’d opt for the ladder in a heartbeat. A needle syringe is something else that doesn’t unnerve me the way it does other people. What’s with some of the patients on these medical emergency shows? You see a guy whose arm was mangled in a tractor, cradling his bloody stump. The physician tries to administer a tetanus
shot, and he recoils in horror. “Please, no needles!” he begs. “I despise needles!” I’m thinking: Get real, fella! You’ve just had your appendage ground into hamburger, and you’re afraid of one skinny little needle? After what you went through, an injection is like a kiss!
It would have been a lot more entertaining, though, had the dental assistants given massages. Again, it boils down to one’s perspective. In my lifetime, doctors have stuck needles in my gums, needles in both my eyes, needles in fresh wounds, needles in places I’d rather not discuss. Does having my flesh punctured provoke fits of hilarity? Hardly. BUT…it beats swabbing public latrines, right? Or watching reruns of “Gomer Pyle.” Or pretending I’m overjoyed to receive a call from someone I don’t feel like talking
to. (Seriously, I really do hate phones!) That’s not to imply that sitting in the dentist’s chair was fun. (I’d much prefer my comfy recliner at home.) It would have been a lot more entertaining, though, had the dental assistants given massages. Or whispered in my ear while shoving gauze and hardware into my mouth. My sessions would certainly have been more profitable had the dentist paid ME to keep my jaw propped open for two hours at a stretch while I choked back my spit, instead of billing me for HIS services. But who’s complaining? In exchange for my courage and good humor, this big boy received his very first crown! I could almost hear “Pomp and Circumstance” blaring through the office vents, throngs of devoted subjects cheering me on. The fantasy gave me such a blast, I hurried home and busted a second tooth just so I could start the entire process again! There was only one problem about making another appointment. It involved using my old nemesis, the telephone. UGH! At first I was going to have my wife make the call for me like she usually does. Suddenly, I remembered: Hey, I’m royalty now! A king doesn’t let his queen fight his battles. Besides, I’d win more bravery points if I did the odious deed myself this time—not to mention a second crown. And wouldn’t Jann be proud! So I girded myself and made the dreaded call. The rest was gravy.
from page 10
from page 20
A pregnant woman was sitting by the wharf eating a two pound box of See’s candy. The man sitting next to her looks over and says, “Eating that much chocolate is bad for you.” The woman looks over and responds, “My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five”. The man replies, “And he ate that much chocolate?” “No” she said, “he minded his own business.”
Sea Kings Win Again
It’s a Saturday night and walking through the parking lot I can already feel the excitement of what’s to come. It all starts with the sweet smell from a converted gallon drum that contains ribs, chicken and brisket and breathing smoke that makes my mouth water. Tonight’s opponents are the team called Trouble. The dozen players from Stockton are showing off their skills during warm ups looking focused and ready. At the other end of the gym I see the eight members of our team which includes the mystery man who never takes off his sweats. Is he the secret weapon on a team loaded with talent? This isn’t the first time we were outnumbered and it won’t be
the last time the visitors walk away on the wrong side of the score board. Expectations are high for a championship run even with a turnstile of bench players each game. Our original “core of four” is always better that any other team assembled. Music blares as the teams meet at half court for the opening tip off. We are under way and as usual a slow start for the home team. I think they do this to keep the fans interested and to give the visiting team a false pretense that they may have a chance. The fans are so close to the court, you can hear the squealing of athletic shoes only to be broken up by referee “Hollywood” Kevin’s stopping play by blowing his whistle to call a blocking foul. I think it should have gone the other way and it was a charge. He travels from Oakland with his girlfriend who supports every call he makes. This can’t be real.
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Dating a player is hard enough but a referee? I can imagine their weekly trip to the grocery store. She reaches for a national brand and he blows his whistle to call a foul because the store brand is cheaper and just as good. Her time in the produce section ends with a turnover for lingering too long. Do they have the six fouls and you’re out rule? Does he give her a technical so he can win arguments? The game goes back and forth with lots of offensive highlights above the rim. Defense is an afterthought and weak side help is non-existent.
Newly acquired forward ‘Throw me the ball” Johnson” rains threes to start the second quarter and it’s starting to look good for the home team. Big men Armstrong and Waddell start to impose their will in the paint swatting away shots like bothersome flies. It’s looking so good, I might get a few minutes of playing time to hang around the three point line and toss up a few rainbows. “Throw me the ball, I’m open,” is what’s going in my head. I need to show the NBA scouts that even though age has slowed me down
and I can’t jump any higher than the curb, I still have a sweet stroke from long distance. The pass doesn’t come. I look down the bench and see the mystery player who never takes off his sweats and never sees any game time action. I’m not that guy and I’m wide open for a three. Throw me the ball! There are rumors about the mid-season coaching change. Why would an undefeated team make such a move? My guess is the league announced that they were going to create an award for the best dressed coach and khakis and a team logo shirt wasn’t going to get it done. The new coach (and team owner) is a lock with impeccable taste in colors and style. Another whistle and another stoppage of play. The P.A. announcer says it’s a media time out. Media time out? Maybe it’s Willy from the Seaside Post who sits just behind the scorer’s table needing a potty break. We have a professional basketball team in Monterey and this publication and the Post are the only ones interested in telling the story to their audience is not a good sign for the dailies. They have real sports section that should be full of local sports activities. They don’t even have to show up, Just write, “Sea Kings Win Again” and we’re all good. The final horn sounds and with another victory added to our division leading record, it’s time to leave the building. The janitors want to finish cleaning up, turn off the lights and go home. I’m still open behind the three point line waiting for someone to throw me the ball.
Studio Tours Series
Whose Live Anyway?
Weekly tours of behind-the-scenes experience featuring four local artists. www.montereyart.org
Enjoy a completely improvised show of games, scenes and songs by a group of comedians that includes Two and a Half Men and Drew Carey Show alum, Ryan Stiles. www.goldenstatetheatre.com
Sip the Peninsula
Employee Appreciation Day
During our careers, we will spend more time at work than any other activity, except sleeping. Hope your employer appreciates you.
Next Generation Jazz
The Monterey Bay Officers’ Spouses Club hosts the 38th annual event in the beautiful Barbara McNitt Ballroom in the historic Hotel Del Monte on the NPS campus. www.mbosc.net
Parade of Gems
71st annual event featuring rocks, jewelry, gems, crystals, minerals, fossils and more. salinasrockandgem. pagecloud.com
Jazz is alive and well with 13,000 top student musicians in town to show off their chops. Free event. montereyjazzfestival.org/ ngjf
Spring forward with an extra hour daylight and the thought that spring is nine days away.
Rockabilly musical based on the John Waters’ film. This Tony nominee is a rebellious teen comedy event. Wade “Cry-Baby” Walker is a bad boy with a good cause – truth, justice, and the pursuit of rock and roll. www.paperwing.com
Daylight Savings Time
Chef Duel Semifinals
Get up close and watch chefs John Paul Lechtenberg (The Hollins House) and Thomas Snyder (Estéban) go at it. Your vote counts for 50% and the judges’ votes comprise the remaining 50%. www.folktalewinery.com
Being Who You Are
Explore ways to give yourself permission to be who you are, to bring your authentic self to the world. Katie Dutcher leads the group through discussion, writing, meditation, and sharing. Be yourself. montereybaymeditation.com
National PI Day
Observed today because 3, 1, and 4 are the first three significant digits of π.
Ides of March
A bad day for Julius Caesar in 44BC. He was stabbed to death at a meeting of the Roman Senate. As many as 60 conspirators, led by Brutus and Cassius, were involved.
Catch the Easter Bunny
Come out to see the giant bunny garden and hang with the Easter Bunny. The Bunny will also attend the Mad Hatter Tea Party. Wear your silliest hat with characters from Alice and Wonderland. shop-northridge-mall.com
St Patrick’s Day
Lost in the commercialized party, is the celebration of Ireland’s patron saint. “Drowning the shamrock”…putting a shamrock in a cup and filling it with whiskey or beer. The shamrock is then either drunk or tossed over the shoulder for good luck.
Cars in the Park
Third annual event featuring music, food and cars from 1976 and earlier. marinaroteryclub.org
Tribute to Jonny Cash
James Garner’s Tribute to the life and music of the Man in Black with strong conviction and stunning accuracy. Garner and his band faithfully recreate Cash’s biggest hit. csumb.edu/worldtheater
First day of Spring
The equinox on the Earth when the subsolar point leaves the southern hemisphere and crosses the celestial equator. For the rest of us, it’s Spring.
An adult Easter egg hunt at Peter B’s. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. portolahotel.com/peter-bsbrewpub
I am in Control Day
Alexander Haig was quoted to have said “I am in control here” on the day President Reagan was shot. This led to Haig’s eventual resignation.
Sucks to be YOU! My Best Friend...
HEADS ABOVE THE COMPETITION Come out and be a fan of Professional Basketball in Monterey March 3 vs. Shizouba (Japan) Gymrats March 18 vs. Oakland Bayhawks ABA Far West Division leaders 10-1 All games at MPC 6pm tip-off Tickets and more info: 831.776.6755 | www.seakingsbasketball.com
To Advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
Published on Mar 3, 2018