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What the Bleep is Foolish Times? Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can find (some months we search harder than others). The opinions or ideas expressed by contributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pen pals, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graphics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.
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List of Fools Chucklehead.......................Stevie P. Editorial Fool..........................Susie Q. Art Fool.......................Mama Morgan Toddler Fool......................Jonah Dee
The Chucklehead Speaks The month of January is a complete waste of the first 31 days of the year. If we were invaded by aliens they would never want to return to our area and we would miss an opportunity for new visitors. It’s cold, there is little going on, it gets dark early and it should be raining. Maybe this is why September and October are the biggest months for birthdays. Two is company, three is poor birth control. That brings up another point; being single this time of year. With Valentine’s Day closing in, there is a lot of talk about self-love. What exactly does this mean? Maybe it’s a nice way to say you’re not in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with that. Love yourself and you’ll have no rivals. Ever try arguing with yourself? In public?
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Bini, Lily Brun, Max Cannon, Ted Gargiulo, Jann Gargiulo, Debbie Harris, Dennis Hengeveld, Michael Houston, Daria James, Robyn Justo, Rex Keyes, Stacy Lininger, Chris Myers, David Schmidt, Monty Truitt
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Don’t get me wrong I think love is a wonderful thing. It makes a man think almost as much of a woman as he does of himself. I recently met a woman who shares my love of cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality she hates about me, she loves in a cat. Please guys, never make fun of your partner’s choices, you’re one of them.
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If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first? The dog – at least he would shut up once he was in.
If you want your wife to pay attention to every word you say, try talking in your sleep.
I joined Bachelors Anonymous. Every time I feel like getting married they send round a woman in curlers to nag me for a while.
Husband: Knocks on the door at midnight. Wife: Go back where you’re coming from! Husband: Open the door or I will throw myself in the swimming pool! Wife: Go ahead and kill yourself, do you think I care? So the husband stands near the dark part of the gate and waits for two minutes, takes a big stone and throws it into the swimming pool. Plop! The wife hears and opens the door and runs towards the swimming pool. The husband quickly sneaks into the house then locks the door. Wife: Open the door or I will shout! Husband: Shout ’til all the neighbors wake up and come here. Tell them where you are coming
from at this time of the night with only a panty and a bra!
The man was looking for a way, over and over, for his wife to drive more carefully and he found it, “Darling, if an accident happens, the police will record your real age!”
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?” His son says, “Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.” Confused, Bill asks, “So, why
is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?” His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off you said, “Lady leave me alone, I’m married!”
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
“Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?” Arnold asked. “Not very likely,” his wife said. “It’s worth a try,” Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, “Just a minute. I’ll have to look for these.” He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, “Here they are!” “No kidding?” Arnold called back. “That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.” The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. “They’ll be ready Thursday,” he said calmly.
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it BOTTLE SHOPPE Surf N Sand Liquors Large craft beer selection. Rare & fine wines, Expanded selection of spirits. Coldest beer in town, Chilled wines & champagne, Wine tasting room, Visit our cigar lounge. Downtown Carmel 831.624.1805
LATE NIGHT Denny’s Monterey County is not known for late night food, unless you have leftovers in your fridge Marina, Monterey, Salinas and Seaside locations
CAFÉ Bay Café & Cantina Best breakfast & lunch. Pet friendly garden patio. Espresso bar, 26 varieties of loose tea. Locals & military discounts 55 Camino Aguajito, Monterey 831.717.4054 www.baycafeandcantina.com
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DONUTS Red’s Voted best donuts since before time! An iconic meeting place for locals Home of the $6 Mon-Tues doz donuts 433 Alvarado St, Monterey 1646 Fremont Ave, Seaside 831.372.9761 831.394.3444
CHINESE Full Moon Great new menu items to tantalize your palate for a memorable dining experience. 429 Alvarado St Monterey 831.3331288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
SEAFOOD I See Food, I Eat it! swimming in the sea on a menu in Monterey County, you’re probably still in Kansas, Dorothy
BREAKFAST First Awakenings ...Egg-cetera. A local’s & visitor’s Don’t forget to come back for lunch! 171 Main St, Old Town Salinas 831.784.1125 831.372.1125
Gino’s Voted Best Restaurant in Salinas The Bozzo family has been at it since 1975—This place is worth its weight in alfredo sauce. 1410 S Main St, Salinas 831.422.1814 www.ginospasta.com
Crown & Anchor Classic British owned & operated pub. Heated patio. Full menu to midnight. 150 W. Franklin St, Monterey 831.649.6496 www.crownandanchor.net
MEXICAN Jose’s A local's favorite! Great food, great service Crab Enchiladas are fabulous 1612 Contra Costa, Seaside 831.899.0345
WINE Monterey County is home to award-winning wine You can’t go wrong with anything from our region Enjoy a bottle while reading the rest of the paper Cheers!
THAI Yangtse’s Taste of Thai Inventive selection of Asian inspired dishes prepared by award-winning chef. Newly remodeled. 328 Main St, Oldtown Salinas 831.754.2223
BBQ Bruno’s Market & Deli Famous Oakwood grilled tri-tip sandwiches. Pork & beef ribs, chicken. Hot links, Polish sausage. HALF POUND BURGERS! Smoked brisket & ribs. Catering available. Carmel 831.624.3821
Wakatobi Japanese Grill GRAND OPENING Noodles, tempura, hibachi, seafood, meat and vegi dishes. Open daily Lunch & Dinner Catering available 1130 Fremont Blvd Seaside 831.717.4624
Crazy Horse The premier place for a scrumptious healthy meal. Hot and cold bar features over 75 fresh items. Full menu/ bar available. 1425 Munras Ave, Monterey 831.649.4771 www.crazyhorserestaurant.com
Mr. Cooper? By Debbie Harris My mortgage company recently announced that it is changing its name. It’s leaving behind a general bank sounding name, you know, like Security Fidelity Trust American National We-HaveA-Safe-That-Can’t-Be-Cracked Bank to the name Mr. Cooper. Seriously? Maybe they feel their name sounds too institutional or perhaps it no longer inspires confidence. Ever since the bank bailout in 2008, banks’ reputations have taken a hit and people don’t trust them as much as they used to. So this bank is moving to what they see as a friendly, approachable name. Now the first of every month I need to
pay Mr. Cooper so I can live in my house. If I want more money, I’m going to ask Mr. Cooper for a loan. (Do I look for a man wearing a trench coat lurking in a back alley.) Will that really help people trust that financial institution more? What if customers had bad experiences with a Mr. Cooper? What if Mr. Cooper was your mean high school math teacher? The one who gave a 50 percent of your grade pop quiz on the day of your grandmother’s funeral and wouldn’t let you make it up? What if Mr. Cooper was a neighbor who played loud music, never mowed his lawn, had police-
calling parties every Saturday night, let his dog run all over the neighborhood fertilizing, and stole your Amazon deliveries from your porch? Do you want that Mr. Cooper handling your money?
With all due respect to Mr. Cooper, why not Miss, Mrs., or Ms. Cooper? With all due respect to Mr. Cooper, why not Miss, Mrs., or Ms. Cooper? Are women less trustworthy than men? Women’s names seemed to work well for foods—Aunt Jemina and Mrs. Butterworth compete for real estate on your pancakes, Betty Crocker baking mixes and accessories help us provide cupcakes for the school fundraiser. Mrs. Fields soothes our PMS with cookies. “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee” — or her pies and cakes. And Marie Callender feeds the entire family delicious fat-filled meals when we are too tired to cook. Apparently
ladies’ names can make money, but they can’t handle our savings or grant us a loan. My mother even had a woman’s name as code for using the restroom. It was “visiting Aunt Matilda” (she only waltzes when things are urgent). Mr. Cooper is a pretty bland name—like Smith, Jones, or Johnson. Why not something more ethnic? Set up an account with Mr. Delgado. Leave your money with Mr. Chang. Get your car loan from Mr. Yamaguchi. For the lowest rates in mortgages, go to Mr. Goldstein. Mr. Patel offers free pens with each new savings account. It still sounds kind of creepy, like an FBI sting operation. I wonder how actual men named Cooper feel about a bank having their name. I know that several years ago, humor writer Dave Barry had a lot to say about a cigarette company planning to change their product name to “Dave” to make the product sound more friendly and inviting. Have a nicotine craving? Grab a Dave. That could cause some unexpected encounters for men named Dave. So will the average Mr. Cooper start being hit up for loans? Will all the Mr. Cooper employees have to change their last names? Will their main corporate branch be in Cooperstown? I’ll have to answer all these questions later. I have to visit Aunt Matilda.
Comments Welcome: firstname.lastname@example.org Aries: (Mar 21–Apr 19) The Ram You are a cumbersome sandwich! A drowsy Gyro... unleash yourself from your prison. You can be everywhere all at once even while falling down the rabbit hole ~ you can see Paris in New York, a violet twilight, a pursuant passion whittling at your soul. Enjoy the ride of being turned in a new direction every four seconds.This pivoting Ram-bunctious you is simply regaining curious flight. Taurus: (Apr 20–May 20) The Bull You chanced it ~ You let your head get really big, to the extent of extinguishing all the oxygen in the room and shattering the view. Move! It hurts - crying is good. Crying has an astonishing momentum ~ it will form a pool of tears that will flood and carve out a new paseo for you, so that you can start marching on to new pastures! Find your couilles! Gemini: (May 21–Jun 20) The Twins You are a conundrum in a correlation! Riddle thee & Riddle thumb. If you cannot find the time because it has disappeared ... you must seek the nano-second. You will discover that seeking and finding has the same long tale. A never ending race against time may only give you a hole in your shoe and no clear win in sight. The key is in knowing which door. Cancer: (Jun 21–Jul 22) The Crab Pink stink! You can scrub until the point of extinction, but you will still be a spot. It’s very fishy indeed the way you are squandering your time pondering
your existence. Much like rice at a spring wedding hiding in the grass (Gluten free - of course). You are going to have to clean up all this idle matter, sooner than latter. Hurling pebbles will not bring you closer to your dreams. Plus I think you just killed a pigeon. Leo: (Jul 23–Aug 22) The Lion Rattle that cage and break down the sides, it’s the beast that rules our daily lives ... TIME. But since you are the shorthand of history, a heraldic sly puss, you have not far to go. Think the Cheshire Cat, who wastes no hour making his disappearance an entryway. Get it, you have no axe to grind. Leave your worries behind, and don’t forget to floss, boss. Virgo: (Aug 23–Sep 22) The Virgin Why is a block of time like a hookah? Logically a block of time could save you 40 percent off the regular hour. Focus Virgie instead on the hookah inhale of a green & amber haze. OK-OK, you can briefly explore a clear analysis in the smoke signals, but more importantly what self-love arises in you? Solve this puzzle, or analytical intoxication may muzzle you. Libra: (Sep 23–Oct 22) The Scales You are mad about tea parties! Even with your outpouring of love to your guests, Time cannot stand still. All you can count on is the milk and tea never being separated. You love this embrace until peace and harmony turn out to be lactose intolerant. You want to run away as fast as the March
Hare, but you don’t dare, what will your guests think! Violently be aware that some truly romantic charming enticing beautiful happy endings started with a glare! Scorpio: (Oct 23 –Nov 21) The Scorpion Fait Accompli! All is fair in love and all in love is fair warned. Caught Kissing & Slurping in the Queen’s Croquet Ground! All the while knowing that daylight would not shield you from the keen eye of a fastidious dormouse. This impasse is as prickly as a hedgehog. Now how will you render your significant other harmless? Make-believe it never happened? OMG! Sagittarius: (Nov 22–Dec 21) The Archer Do not Mock the Turtle for it’s steady pace along it’s worthy journey! Adventurous SAG for you looking below the surface of Time is like waiting for an old shirt to become a rag. Under the protective shell of perception lies a much deeper enmeshment of scientific & mysterious substance. One particular genius named J. Joplin said: “It’s all the same bleeping day.” Turtle Blues. Capricorn: (Dec 22– Jan 19) The Goat EAT ME, DRINK ME! The world at large enlarges you. You have grown, not because of the Duchess’s cooking, but because of your own efforts to learn to love more fully! You are no longer the debtor of limited thinking, you are far better ~ You are a trendsetter too! Wearing ONLY your winter sweater, burrrr.
By Bini Aquarius: (Jan 23–Feb 18) The Water-Carrier The journey of Ten Thousand miles begins with a single step. Oh no, I am not implying that you are old, simply that in a quadrille everyone steps in time and know where they are going. Do you? Your slump has the depths of the Kiev Metro where time is even slower because of gravity. You may feel a bit warped, so give TIME Travel a spin! Hearts & Tarts for you on your Birthday! Pisces: (Feb 19–Mar 20) The Fishes You cannot hide your genius behind those coke-bottle glasses, bubble-head! Your short sightedness is only in your mind’s eye. You know the particular “NOW” is a mystery anyway! You hear this expansion but doubt the sound wave. Calm your aquatic drama, you don’t need to dive into the Mariana Trench to find your disorder. It’s all right there in the current washing up to shore.
No I am not single. I am in a long distance relationship. My boyfriend lives in the future.
By Ted Gargiulo
When I was little, I was terrorized by nightmares. I tell you, they were doozies! Rarely about anything specific: no plots, no messages, mostly bizarre, surreal images and sensations. Like bad acid trips. Some were so traumatic, I wouldn’t go to sleep unless my mom assured me I wouldn’t have any. What a spineless weenie! Every night, I’d subject her to the same interrogation. Promise I won’t have nightmares tonight? I promise. Are you sure? I’m sure. Are you positive? Yes, I’m positive. You swear? I SWEAR! Did this ritual keep me from having nightmares? Not entirely. It wasn’t as though the woman had a gift of prophecy, or could cast a protective spell over my dreams. Nevertheless, her willingness to placate me gave me sufficient peace to drift off. If my subconscious went awry afterwards, I at least had enough sense not to blame her.
Years later, when I was in my teens, our apartment was invaded by waterbugs. (Our landlady denied responsibility—claimed they emigrated from the house next door. Right!) They typically appeared at night, after my mom and I had retired, and we never knew when we might encounter one en route to the commode. Dang, they were the vilest, most loathsome creatures on the planet! Like cockroaches on steroids! Whereas nightmares had made me afraid to fall asleep, these hellish insects made me afraid to wake up. My mom was even more creeped out by them than I was. This same woman who, not long ago, had comforted me at bedtime, would now come knocking timidly on my door during the wee hours, begging ME for help. “Ted-eeeeee!” she’d wail pathetically. “There’s a waterbug in the bathroom!” That was MY cue to play the hero and hunt the bastard down. Usually it was an easy kill, but sometimes the crazy thing darted into the closet before I could apprehend it. That meant switching on the light, and pulling
stuff from the closet piece by piece, while my mom watched and whimpered from the sidelines, then waiting for that rascal to run back out so I could smash it with the broom. The fateful showdown was as farcical as it was frenetic, with me lunging madly, whacking, missing, trying to stab it with the hard bristles, often lopping off a leg or an antenna in the process. Finally, I’d sweep the remains into a dustpan and pray that Moby Bug stayed dead ‘til I flushed him down the toilet. Yecch! I hated, with all my heart, doing battle with these critters. But there was no way either of us could go back to sleep until the enemy had been neutralized.
www.foolishtimes.net Besides, my mom depended on me, and I couldn’t let her down. For once in my unspectacular existence, I was a mensch. Some warriors prove their valor by slaying dragons. With me, it was facing down giant bugs. Amazing, how much courage this squeamish little pee-pee face could muster when a loved one needed him! What’s more amazing is that shortly after I began standing up to these nocturnal invaders on a semiregular basis, the night terrors of old no longer posed a threat. In fact, once they realized that I was in control, they petered out altogether and never darkened my mind again.
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I never understood getting sad on Valentine’s Day. A good day to be sad is when you run out of toilet paper and alternatives.
1) Do you wake up or open your eyes first? 2) What do people in China call their good plates? 3) Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions? 4) What is more important, the Super Bowl or Valentine’s Day
Danielle G. 1) You wake up. 2) Plates. Just plates. 3) Yes, until the next time you’re hungry. 4) Super Bowl Fermin S. 1) You have to open your eyes. I’m a wake and vertical again. 2) O’ boy that’s a hard one. Can I use my “phone a friend” for help? How about rice in a bowl. 3) It goes on forever. Future fortune cookie predictions! 4) If my wife reads this I have to say Valentine’s Day. Natalia M. 1) I wake up. 2) Porcelain. True story. 3) Yes. The prediction is valid for up to 48 hours only. After that, please buy more food. 4) The Super Bowl is more important because there are billions of dollars at stake. On Valentine’s Day, there are many going out for steak. See the difference? Patrick W. 1) It’s fun when people confuse me for a corpse. 2) I don’t speak Chinese, so I never can tell. 3) When I was five, I knew someone would ask me that. 4) Valentine’s Day, because my better half is a saint. Stephanie M. 1) I wake up. My brain wakes up then my body. 2) Americans 3) Yes. Has to happen within a week. 4) Super Bowl. Beer wings and good times.
FUNNY BONES BY THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY
Last Valentine’s Day, I arrived at the doctor’s office where I work to find a delivery man holding a package. As I got out of my car, he declared warmly, “I have something for you.” I excitedly ripped open the bundle. It was a urine sample.
Stacy talks to comics
By Stacy Lininger Stacy: You are looking svelte. What is your secret? Lisa: I cut out carbs and all oil except coconut. Stacy: So it wasn’t the “Eat So You Don’t Die” cookbook I saw on your Facebook page. Lisa: Yes, I followed it and I am still alive. Stacy: What did you want to be when you grew up? Lisa: I am part Persian and part American so I figured stand up comedy would be a good way to reconcile the two. I wanted to be on SNL from the time I was six years old because I always made people laugh. Stacy: Who were your earliest comedy idols? Lisa: Thank you for asking. Gene Wilder and Jim Carey. I could relate to them. Stacy: How did you pursue your comedic goals? Lisa: I went to comedy college in San Francisco. Stacy: There is such a thing? Is that like clown college? Lisa: Yes, it was a big joke. Stacy: That was the name “A Big Joke?” Lisa: No, it’s called San Francisco Comedy College which I paid a lot of money for and learned very little. They put us in little groups and had us come up with skits. It was a house of cards – a college of extortion.
Meet Lisa Rad
Stacy: Seems they have a money back guarantee if you are not funnier than when you started. Wonder how they gauge that. Looks like they have been in business for 19 years. Lisa: They did get better as they grew but I was there right in the beginning. Stacy: Can comedic delivery and performance be learned? Lisa: When you are a comedian naturally, you know how to present the truth in a way to make people laugh. Stacy: Why didn’t you pursue a career in comedy? Lisa: I gave up on comedy because of that school. Then I had a child and needed work that was more dependable so I became an esthetician/massage therapist. I now have my own business in Monterey. My psychotherapist told me to be a responsible mother and get a real job.
www.foolishtimes.net Stacy: I would never do that to anyone. I prefer to make them suffer. Are you able to use your comedic skills in your profession? Lisa: No, sometimes people just want to relax and not think. Stacy: I hear you recently performed during an open mike night in Carmel Valley Village. How did that go? Lisa: It was fun but painful. I am used to making people laugh but on stage I felt judged by the audience whether I was funny enough for them to laugh at me. Half of them sat there with there arms crossed and the other half laughed. Stacy: How did you handle that? Lisa: I just plowed through and learned that you really have to gear your material to your audience. If I did it again, I would do a better job now that I know this.
Stacy: So, you would do it again? Lisa: Yes, it was a learning experience which left me feeling more confident. Stacy: So maybe, now that your son is grown, you can put your comedy training to use. Now if we could just come up with a dedicated venue on the Monterey Peninsula. Lisa: Maybe I need a prop to make me feel more confident. Stacy: What prop would you choose? Lisa: A toothpick, which would go over well in Carmel Valley. I am picking my teeth, wearing my flannels and you are gonna laugh at me, damnit. Stacy: Let me know if you need an agent.
There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 once.
Stacy: What is it like raising a child in the information age? Lisa: I want to destroy his play station and television for stealing my son. Kids shy away from families and friendships for people on the internet they will never meet. Stacy: I spoke to your son, Chase, and he said he is not addicted and it is just generational. Lisa: I know an addict when I see one. It’s a matter of different viewpoints just like our discussion on politics. At one point you wanted to hang up on me. Answers on page 24
Toes, Tolerance and Other Things That Start With “T ” By Robyn Justo Starting the year off on the right foot (except when there is a needle in it), I moved again, leaving the fast cars and smelly cigars of downtown Carmel for the serenity of the Aptos woods. I move a lot. Maybe it’s the Bohemian in me. I have it all down to a science and things were going quite well. I was close to being all packed up when I was transferring some items from a drawer and felt a sharp pain in my right foot. Looking down I saw a needle on a thread. At closer inspection, I saw that the needle was broken so I got on my knees and looked for the other half in the carpet, never thinking that it could be hiding in
my foot. There was no blood or a lot of pain afterwards, just a tiny little spot. Things like this don’t slow me down. I took my evening walk, close to a mile, and returned home. Ok, there was some discomfort. The next day I ended up at Docs on Duty for an X-ray and the report was “Yep, it’s in there!” The X-ray was frightening and I was moving the very next day. Six hours later, two plus of those being under the knife, the needle still remained, wedged under a bone. The doc’s words were “It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.” As he searched for it, as usual I searched for the deeper
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meaning. He gave up, but I did not. During those hours I learned a lot about things that start with T (Tetanus, Tramadol, Tylenol, Toradol, and Tolerance). I had more shots that day than a spring breaker and now I was grouchy and hungry.
I had more shots that day than a spring breaker and now I was grouchy and hungry. I wondered if maybe it was the ghosts of Christmas past lurking in the 100-year-old Carmel building who didn’t want me to leave, but the next day my moving truck arrived and I tenaciously departed for the trees, boxes in arms, needle in foot. I found a second doc in Watsonville and he got the dreaded needle out, but I was told that I could not walk, shop for groceries, get my foot wet, or do much of anything. I called a few friends for help and a possible grocery run. One told me that perhaps I should take this time to fast. The only fast that I was going to do was drive that way to a Carl’s Jr. Having suffered from a sinus infection for nearly a month, this same friend humorously suggested that this needle in the foot might have cured me and although I was ready to smack him, I looked it up and indeed the point of entry in acupuncture did deal with the nose. My sniffles and congestion had instantly disappeared! Could be a sign of even more meaning. On my way home, I found myself at a magical place called the Cadillac Cafe in Corralitos instead of Carl’s. As I entered I was met by smiling people (two of whom were named Dana) who
gave me Tylenol, was able to put my foot up and get a great cup of coffee and an omelette, and watch a beautiful child named Kyrie eat Mickey Mouse pancakes which reminded me of how Mom made them for me when I was little. What were the odds? By the way, the meaning of the name Kyrie means Lord. Just sayin’. Safeway home delivery has become my new best friend. My toe looks like something from Reanimator, matching my other scars from 2017 in the Boris Karloff motif. I’ve renamed myself “Walks on Needles” or better yet, “Broken Needle.” I’ve learned how to contort myself in a solo game of Twister in the bathtub, leaving one foot out. I remembered that at the end of 2016 I also had a freak accident with a nasty knock on the noggin and I lived to write about it. Someone, something is looking out for me. Leaving a needle conveniently threaded for its next use laying loose in a drawer isn’t something I will do again (part of my 2018 resolutions). And the point to all of this, the pun unavoidable? I have an attitude of gratitude, thankful that I still have a Toe and that this freaky event was merely an inconvenience in my new life in the Trees, and realizing that there are better things that start with T.
You don’t actually love a person until you occasionally want to kill them.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman? A: You have to hollow out the head. Q: What do you call a Blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: How do a Blonde’s brain cells die? A: Alone. Terribly alone. Q: What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant. Q: What do you call it when a Blonde dies her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: Why do Blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because silly, that’s where you’re SUPPOSED to wash vegetables! Q: Why do Blondes wear their hair up? A: To catch everything that goes over their heads. Q: Why is it good to have a Blonde passenger? A: So you can park in the handicap zone Q: What was the Blonde psychic’s greatest achievment? A: An IN-body experience! Q: Why should Blondes not be given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: What did the Blonde think of the new computer? A: She didn’t like it because she couldn’t get channel 9.
Q: Why do Blondes have square boobs? A: Because they forget to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: Why don’t Blondes eat Jello? A: They can’t figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you get when you offer a Blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change.
Q: Why don’t Blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can’t get their head into the jar.
Q: Why does a Blonde change her baby’s diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it “good for up to 20 pounds.”
Q: Why do Blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: What do you call a brunette with a Blonde on either side? A: An interpreter. Q: What do you call a Blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: What did the Blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her name tag)? A: “’Debbie’...that’s cute. What did you name the other one?” Q: What do you call 15 Blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a Blonde’s head? A: A Space Invader. Q: What’s a Blonde’s favorite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: What do you call a Blonde in a tree with a brief case? A: Branch Manager. Q: How did the Blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: What’s black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling? A: A Blonde electrician. Q: How do you get a one-armed Blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her.
Sucks to be YOU!
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What about you, mucker? About a half step out of the gutter. Why do you ask?
By Michael Houston Life as a top street entertainer is not all glamor like it’s cracked up to be in the common unconscious. Shakira and Beyonce may not share my perspective, but some us have gear and don’t have roadies or transnational corporate sponsors. I mind the time the great Sean “the Carmel Valley Piper” Folsom shared his view of life and its encumberments as he ignored his sore lower back; crammed his collection of antique hurdy-gurdies, Taylor uilleann pipes into his now long-deceased van at the Monterey Scottish Games and headed joyously into the west toward his demense in Mid Valley. Mind, I’m not complaining about my own aches and pains as I make crucial life decisions as 7pm approaches. What to do? Happy hour at a local shebeen: Bovines and Ursidae, Albion Arms, Bay of Conifers, Pedro Betas … or a warm dinner by my kitchen’s video hearth? So, I stoically pack assorted maracas, toy marimbas, rain sticks, and drums, etc. into the rolling storage box I inherited from my youngest daughter. Will the on-shore breeze
at my back and gravitational force of the moon carry me toward last call at a convivial happy hour? Kismet. Will karmatic balance require a spirited chat with the spouse about household finances, our child rearing practices, or the terrible state of politics at home and abroad? Tough call, aren’t they all?
The casual observer may wonder if what I term my music therapy is either one. We show our wisdom in the ways we spend our time. By some cosmic chance, likely related to ancient aliens high-jacking the History Channel, 7pm has become the divide between the sacred and the profane. Suddenly, as ordained by space alien folk traditional, the world of the living and the dead converge. In an instant pleasant bartenders transform into moneygrubbing mercenaries! I ask, “Do we have right to happy?” It’s a trick question on the hospitality industry’s space-time continuum.
Consider, “Where you bury the survivors?” The casual observer may wonder if what I term my music therapy is either one. It’s all a bit complicated. One wonders, “Is what we buskers generate music at all?” Furthermore, how can inflicting frantic atonal noise on people be a form of therapy for anyone? There were indeed people who took similar positions in the American Psychology Association, but they got kicked out for defending torture in clandestine prisons during a recent long-war. (Don’t get
www.foolishtimes.net me started on Caucasian-onCaucasian apartheid in Ulster in the 1970s or the like. Suffice to say Irish famine surviving families should be supportive of Dreamers, Rohingya refugees, and fellow sufferers everywhere. Bear with me! The best may yet be to come. Death and taxes, for example. My Tuesday afternoon clients may wonder what I do before I waylay them and try to get their children and grandchildren to dance and entertain me with real and toy percussion instruments. Well, I meet informally with the elders of my tribe for a pro bono two-hour folk-rock gig at their assisted living digs. That’s when repertoire disputes between my inner-self and my inner-self observing my outer-self run riot. I posit that everybody is too young for Benny Goodman (108), and that Count Bassie (112) is way beyond my skill set. Ergo,
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I serve up Celito Lindo, Kris Kristofferson (81), the Dubliners and the Pogues. I play with great gusto if not talent. (If you want better there’s a fine American standards band in front of the Arcade and the whole market is brimming with talent.) Performing for my fellow elders I see true wisdom, or possible hearing loss in on display. It’s amazing, but if you’re old enough and wise enough you can take a wee nap while a guy with mandolin, whistles, harmonicas, and guitar shouts Irish drinking and rebel songs at you. 4pm Tuesday in downtown Monterey is a magical time in the non-corporate busking world. You may find a parking space and locate a vendor kind enough to let you busk next to them. Please be aware that where I play shoppers will find high quality goods on sale nearby. Those are
vendors who needn’t explain the intricacies of C. K. Jung’s common-unconscious or the virtues of a magical talisman or medicinal potion. I repeat, great vendors abound where I howl Irish drinking songs and children dance and play to Irish and Mexican children’s songs. When I play on the streets in Monterey as a First Amendment music educator/busker I see a cavalcade of life to delight Monterey County natives or visitors alike. In Monterey, music lovers and those trying to flee it have a variety of target-rich areas to seek out or avoid. There’s music in the air Tuesdays on Alvarado Street, daily in front of the wharf, and Friday Markets at MPC. As Pat Clark of the chromed Washburn guitar has observed, Monterey market days are filled with Montereggio magical realism sightings! The people pass by with masses of every shade of
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hair color or next to none at all. Weather permitting, their clothing follows suit. On Monterey market days classic guitars and cellos rub sonic frequencies with blues and rock. Still, someone needs to invent a generator for food vendors that can double as a drum machine with an algorithm to make it all sound better. We buskers are the huntergathers of world music. We are among the world’s last free people. We see what goes down, but like H.G. Wells and Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Men and Women, we are largely unnoticed, much like the gutters we adorn. We acoustic players are the heart and lungs of the pueblo. When we’re done we just blow away. By contrast, the great amplified players in the night clubs: Alan, Troy, Jeremiah, Derek, Amy, David, John Michael, Mario, Bart, and Joe have to breakdown their gear in the wee hours after a long night of abstinence and call a good-sized Uber or conjure up a self-driving car. Unlike the late nightclub performers, we acoustic entities just go gently into that dark night or summer evening. Sober and free, we are less likely to call for a Paddy wagon and turn ourselves in. We realize that we are our people’s one and only bards. In the short days of late fall and winter our fans forgive us when we don’t turn up to brave the elements. We know that we are at once visible and invisible. Being and not being is a blessing. When the kids are dancing and the music is in the groove we can celebrate life. We can almost forget that we; he, she, or it, is still just a step out of the gutter. 1 Hour
Ja m b o r e e Singers of the 60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging babyboomers. New releases include: Herman's Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker Ringo Starr — I Get By With A Little Help From Depends The Bee Gees— How Can You Mend A Broken Hip? Roberta Flack— The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Paul Simon — Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver The Commodores — Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom The Temptations — Papa's Got A Kidney Stone Abba — Denture Queen Helen Reddy — I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Lesley Gore — It's My Hormones and I'll Cry If I Want To
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Police Officers Have the Best Lines • “You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.” • “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.” • “If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” • “If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.” • “You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?” • “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?” • “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.” • “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?” • “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.” • “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.” • “Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?” • “No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.” • “I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.” and the winner is — • “You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.”
Confession “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.” The priest asks, “Is that you, little Dominic Savino?” “Yes, Father, it is.” “And who was the girl you were with?” “I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.” “Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?” “I'll never tell.” “Was it Nina Capelli?” “I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.” “Was it Cathy Piriano?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.” Joey walks back to his pew,and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?” “Four months vacation and five good leads.”
Why I Like Retirement! Q: How many days in a week? A: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Q: When is a retiree’s bedtime? A: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q: How many retirees to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but it might take all day. Q: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees? A: There is not enough time to get everything done.
7 Reasons Not To Match Wits With Children A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor’ thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, there’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer or that’s Michael, he’s a doctor.” A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.” A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. ‘Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?’ A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: Take only ONE . God is watching. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Fore! Who said it… 1) “It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. It took one afternoon on the golf course.” 2) “I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s game: It’s called an eraser.” 3) “The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.”
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4) “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” 5) “If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.” 6) I started watching golf for the first time yesterday. I`m really worried about myself. I was actually enjoying it.”
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Upside down: 1) Hank Aaron 2) Arnold Palmer 3) Mick Mantle 4) Jack Benny 5) Dean Martin 6) Ewan McGregor
Friends of the Monterey Public Library Presents
HEADS ABOVE THE COMPETITION Come out and be a fan of Professional Basketball in Monterey February 3 vs. Modesto Super Cats February 17 vs. Stockton Team Trouble March 3 vs. Shizouba (Japan) Gymrats March 18 vs. Oakland Bayhawks
Annual Chocolate & Wine Tasting Benefit
Friday, Feb 23 7—9 p.m.
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By Rex Keyes
Q. What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs? A. A clock! Q. What is the easiest way to double your money? A. Put it in front of the mirror of course! Q. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive? A. A glove. Q. What has to be broken before you can use it? A. An egg. Q. What has a neck but no head? A. A bottle. Q. What gets wetter as it dries? A. A towel. Q. What goes up and doesn’t come back down? A. Your age. Q. What belongs to you but is used more by others? A. Your name.
Strike One! You forgot about your wedding anniversary and didn’t do anything special that day. Strike Two! You forgot about your wife’s birthday and didn’t do anything special that day. Man, are you in trouble!! When it comes to romance, women do not forget. They have an iron clad memory. It may seem like it doesn’t bother them, but men, it does, and don’t be a simpleton, because strike three is coming up and that is Valentine’s Day, and if you strike out, you are in deep kimchi. Valentine’s Day is this month and a man has a chance to make amends and get back in good graces with his partner, wife or girlfriend. Valentine’s Day is a romantic day and very important. Just because you have been together for a long time does not mean you can throw romance out the window. Valentine’s Day is also a day to get closer together if you had an argument or a disagreement. Come on guys; forget about watching a football game, a reality TV show or drinking beer while barbecueing. You need to concentrate and plan a great Valentine’s Day. You will
be rewarded in many ways. You may get sour cream on your baked potatoes, she may cook a steak dinner for you at least once a week and you may get a fantastic breakfast with eggs, bacon, potatoes and maybe a waffle on the side.
Just because you have been together for a long time does not mean you can throw romance out the window. So here are some secrets to planning a great Valentine’s Day. When you leave work, stop at a store the day before Valentine’s Day and pick up some flowers. Hide them in the trunk of the car or under the rear seats which usually lift up. That night wake up, go to your car and take out the flowers and place them on the kitchen countertop with a note. A romantic one from the store is preferable, having a poem concerning romance
and love. When she gets up Valentine’s morning and reads it, she will greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness. Next, plan something special for the day; a nice dinner at a restaurant or for a fabulous dinner at home. Pick up some lobster and a good steak and you be the cook and dishwasher, not her. Of course the table and the surroundings at dinnertime at home need to be enhanced. Pick out a decorative tablecloth with a beautiful scented candle on top. Put on some nice background music and keep the lights down low. And for goodness sakes take a shower, dress well and put on attractive cologne like “English Leather.” Oh and don’t forget to buy a good bottle of wine and or champagne and serve it just before dinner. Doing all this will put you back in good graces. Finally, don’t forget to mark on your calendar, your iPhone your computer or any other device, your anniversary date and your spouse’s birthdate. It is best not to have any strikes against you so that everything runs smoothly. Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
Q. Everyone has it and no one can lose it, what is it? A. A shadow. Q. It’s been around for millions of years, but it’s no more than a month old. What is it? A. The moon.
My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day. I said, “Yes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them.
Mira, WOW! By Daria James
Don’t wanna know about that love thang! (Takes drag of menthol cigarette) Oh, L ’amour… (Flicks menthol cigarette) Bleh! I do not even smoke cigarettes, and why am I writing with a French accent?! This concludes my review of the month of February. I took a poetry class back in the day. I learned about epic poems and how some people have no idea what the word epic means and use it to describe a night of drinking, bra’h. After all, that is what Beowulf was about. That, and Angelina Jolie as a seductive sea monster.
Do you ever wonder if Jay-Z asks his wife B to hold his beer? Then we talked about the great Shakespeare. Before you stop reading and think how boring he is, I would like to state that we would not have Dr. Dre, Eminem, Kanye, Jay-Z, Nikki Minaj or Cardi B without the runway The Shakeman built. He was in the lab with an ink pen and pad before pens and pads and before Mr. Dr. Dre. Think about it. They all had drug-infused writing sessions, they all have loyal female followers (now known as groupies), they all made up new words. No matter how many years pass we always go back to their original works. who taught you how to smoke trees? They are beloved by wealthy nonminority people who wish they had some type of struggle other than deciding where to park their
Benz. Who isn’t trying to keep it real nowadays? Whether it is real dumb, or real art is in the eye and ears of the beholder. Do you ever wonder if Jay-Z asks his wife B to hold his beer? I am also sure, there is a corny beer-holder joke in there somewhere, but I am not going to make it. I do not celebrate love in February, I celebrate all year by being lovable me. To know me is to love me. If you know me and you do not love me, there must be something wrong with you. Obviously you do not know me, nor the life I live. Furthermore, why are you still reading this? See, (whispering) you are the one with the problem. Nonetheless, I digress, so let me readdress. Why pick and choose the months or days we can be nice? Either love somebody or do not. If you are a lonely heart, go out and have fun. Leave your phone in your pocket, take it back to 1995. Oh, look at me, I am writing a poetry jam. Shout out to the Rubber Chicken Slam. …and now, a poem from a poet who did not know it. But definitely done, did it. Roses are red Violets are blue This is a poem For, I love you Psych! Wasted your time Like, blah, blah. Bleh!
There’s more to Valentine’s Day than chocolate! Answers on pg 24
Card Chocolate Flowers Wine Ring Perfume Necklace Diamond Phone Crystal Handbag Earrings Pajamas Cake Cuff Link Romantic Dinner Love Heart
Don’t KNOCK Love
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Kiss. Kiss who? ME. Knock, knock! Who's there? Alva! Alva who? Alva heart. Knock, knock! Who's there? Gray. Gray who? Gray Z. about you.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Churchill. Churchill who? Churchill be the best place for a wedding. Knock, knock! Who's there? Butcher. Butcher who? Butcher your arms around me. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Eyesore. Eyesore who? Eyesore do like you.
A guy was contemplating how his future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job. He notices a six pack of beer and walks up to it. He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it on the sidewalk swearing, “You are the reason I don’t have a wife,” second bottle, “You are the reason I don’t have my children,” third bottle “You are the reason I lost my job.” He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says “Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not the reason.” Tony and Sara are the owners and your loving hosts at the Crown & Anchor. Come in and be delighted by their hospitality and humor.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Honeybee. Honeybee who? Honeybee nice and open the door. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Marry. Marry who? Marry me. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cheese. Cheese who? Cheese a cute girl. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Al! Al who? Al give you a kiss if you open this door! Knock, knock! Who’s there? Candice! Candice Who? Candice be love I’m feeling right now
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Egg! Egg who? Eggcited to meet you. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Cynthia. Cynthia who? Cynthia you been away, I missed you. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Aldo! Aldo who? Aldo anything for you. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Pauline! Pauline Who? I think I’m Pauline in love with you. Knock, knock! Who's there? Mayer. Mayer who? Mayer days be filled with laughter and love. Knock, knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive Who? Olive you and I always have.
Grocery store flowers on Valentine’s Day: Show someone you care slightly more than not at all.
www.foolishtimes.net bells completely, as some in the neighborhood love them.
By the Editors at Andrews McMeel Syndication
Wait, What? • Ikea has taken advertising in a whole new direction with its recent print ad for a crib. The ad, which appears in the Swedish magazine Amelia, invites women who think they might be pregnant to urinate on the paper to reveal a discounted price. “Peeing on this ad may change your life,” the ad reads at the top of the page. “If you are expecting, you will get a surprise right here in the ad.” Adweek reported that the agency behind the gimmick adapted pregnancy test technology to work on a magazine page.
Recurring Themes • In more extreme weather news from Australia, The Daily Telegraph reported on Jan. 8 that record high temperatures near Campbelltown had killed more than 200 bats, found on the ground or still hanging in trees. Cate Ryan, a volunteer with WIRES, an Australian wildlife rescue organization, came across the flying foxes and put the word out for volunteers to bring water to rehydrate the bats that were still alive. “I have never seen anything like it before,” Ryan said. “Ninety percent of the (dead) flying foxes were babies or juveniles.”
Bright Idea • Chris McCabe, 70, of Totnes, England, escaped a frigid death thanks to his own quick thinking on Dec. 15. McCabe
owns a butcher shop, and he had entered the walk-in freezer behind the shop when the door slammed behind him. Ordinarily that wouldn’t be a problem, as a release button inside the freezer can open the door. But the button was frozen solid. So McCabe looked around the freezer and saw the shop’s last “black pudding,” or blood sausage, which he used as a battering ram to unstick the button. “They are a big long stick that you can just about get your hand around,” McCabe told the Mirror. “I used it like the police use battering rams to break door locks in. Black pudding saved my life, without a doubt.” He believes he would have died within a halfhour in the -4-degree freezer.
Ironies • In Albuquerque, New Mexico, a church’s new electronic bells are creating a living hell for neighbor Bernadette Hall-Cuaron, who has lived next to Our Lady of Guadalupe for years. “The bells ring multiple times a day during the week, and play ‘Amazing Grace’ during the week, and then they run multiple times again during the weekend,” she told KOB-TV in January. “Because of the volume and frequency of the bells, this is not calling people to the church.” Hall-Cuaron called the church to complain, but said since her request, “they have added ‘Amazing Grace’ every day ... a full verse.” The pastor responded that he has lowered the volume but will not turn off the
• One of Quebec City’s iconic tourist attractions is its ice hotel, the 45-room Hotel de Glace. But on Jan. 9, the hotel’s most dreaded disaster, a fire, broke out in one of the guest rooms, the CBC reported. Manager Jacques Desbois admitted that “when I received the phone call, they had to repeat twice that there was a fire in the ice hotel.” Predictably, the flames did not spread and caused little damage to the structure, although smoke spread throughout the hotel and residents were evacuated. “In a room made out of ice and snow there are few clues to look at,” Desbois said, although each room has candles, and the hotel is considering the possibility that one of them caused the fire.
Family Values • Alyce H. Davenport, 30, and Diron Conyers, 27, of Southbridge, Massachusetts, couldn’t make it to the funeral of Audra Johnson, Davenport’s mother, on Jan. 5 because they were busy stealing a safe from Johnson’s home. Southbridge police started searching for the pair after Johnson’s boyfriend discovered the safe was missing, reported The Worcester Telegram & Gazette. When police stopped Davenport the next day, they found the safe in the trunk of
the car she was driving (also registered to Johnson) and seized it. Davenport and Conyers were arrested at a Sturbridge motel, where officers found jewelry, keys, cellphones and other documents, and the two were charged with seven counts related to the theft. “Alyce has a history of larceny, identity theft and forgery,” the police report said.
Armed and Frustrated • Linda Jean Fahn, 69, of Goodyear, Arizona, finally succumbed to a frustration many wives suffer. On Dec. 30, as her husband sat on the toilet, she barged in and “shot two bullets at the wall above his head to make him listen to me,” she told Goodyear police when they were called to the scene. Fahn said her husband “would have had to be 10 feet tall to be hit by the bullets,” ABC15 in Phoenix reported, but officers estimated the bullets struck about 7 inches over the man’s head as he ducked. She was charged with aggravated assault.
Creme de la Weird • An unnamed 41-year-old Chinese woman who had been suffering from fevers and breathing problems for six years finally went for a checkup in early January at a hospital in Tongchuan, Shaanxi Province, China. Doctors X-rayed and
Last Valentine’s Day my fiancée of four years bought me a lottery ticket and I won five million dollars. I wonder what she is doing nowadays.
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found an inch-long chili pepper in her right lung. Metro News reported that Dr. Luo Lifeng tried to remove the pepper using a probe but was forced to operate because it was lodged too deep to reach. He speculated that she had inhaled the pepper and then forgotten about it.
Go Ahead, Take Two • An unnamed Russian man, apparently desperate for a drink, stole an armored personnel carrier from a secured facility on Jan. 10 and used it to ram a storefront in Apatity, Russia, reported United Press International. Surveillance video showed him climbing out of the tank-like carrier and into the store, where he retrieved a bottle of wine, then returning to the vehicle and ramming the storefront again as several bystanders looked on. He was arrested after leaving the scene.
Employee Relations • Pesto’s Pizza Shop in Boise, Idaho, takes its pizza prep seriously. So when an employee burns a pizza, the discipline is swift and public: The worker must don an orange bag that reads “I burned a pizza,” then “walk the plank,” or the sidewalk, in front of the shop five times. Pesto’s owner, Lloyd Parrott, told KBOI TV: “You know, we gotta have some fun around here. It’s all in good fun.”
Oops • An unnamed man tried an unconventional method to kill a wolf spider in his Redding, California, apartment on Jan. 7: He set it afire with a torch lighter. Unfortunately, the burning spider ran onto a mattress and caught it on fire. Residents were able to put out the mattress fire, but not before flames reached nearby drapes and a flag collection, then a nearby closet, reported the Redding Record Searchlight. When a garden hose failed to douse the blaze, firefighters were called and prevented it from spreading to other apartments. The blaze caused about $11,000 in damage, and all the residents were able to escape unharmed.
Compelling Explanations • Troy, Michigan, police received two calls early on Jan. 10, both leading them to the Zion Church. One call was from the church, reporting vandalism caused by gunfire. The other was from the alleged shooter, who told police the church was an alien spaceship. Surveillance video shows the unnamed shooter, 40, driving up to the church around 5 a.m. and firing shots into the doors. “He was talking very strangely about how the Zion Church is an alien spaceship for reptiles,” Troy Police Capt. Bob Redmond told WJBK-TV in Detroit. Police were assessing the shooter’s mental health to determine whether charges would be filed. Copyright 2018 Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut, Kansas City MO 64106; 800-255-6734
Here’s to love the only fire for which there is no insurance.
FALAFEL BURGERS Ingredients • 2 cans chickpeas, drained/rinsed • 2 carrots • 1/2 onion • 3 cloves garlic
• 1/2 cp whole wheat flour • 1/2 cp tahini • 1/2 cp olive oil • 2 tbs lemon juice • 2 tsp ground cumin • S & P to taste
Directions 1. Pulse the carrots in a food processor, mince. Add the beans, onion and garlic. Pulse until well-mixed 2. Transfer mixture to a mixing bowl and stir in remaining ingredients 3. Form patties using 1/4 cup of mixture per patty 4. Place on a greased cookie sheet spaced three inches apart 5. Bake at 375degrees for 15 minutes 6. Flip and bake until the outside is brown and crisp 7. Serve on a warm pita or hamburger bun
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A couple drove down Highway One headed to Monterey not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a field of goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
Guide to Local Businesses & Services TRANSPORTATION
Freedom Medical Transportation
Non-emergency through the door service. Wheel chair and gurney. Available 24/7. 831.920.0687 freedommedicaltransportation.com
DIVORCE Aﬀordable Divorces
TAX PREPARER Nancy C. Callahan, CPA, EA
Eﬃcient, Respected and Experienced. Taxes are tricky. Call us for a treat. 831.625.4272
We can help get it done quickly, respectfully and without the high cost of an attorney. 21 years of proven success. 831.443.6509 Aﬀordabledivorces.com
The Gift of Wellness Experience the highest quality oils and personal care spa products. Product and samples available in our store The Mailbox . 177 Webster St CERAMICS Monterey . 9-5pm M-F
CA TRAVEL BOOKS Venturing out? CA Road Trips Staycation? Monterey & Carmel staurtthornton.com
To Advertise On Top Notch: Email email@example.com or call 831.648.1038
MUSIC DJ Vossenova
Lovable professional DJ features the greatest music of all time from the 50's, 60's & 70's.
AUTOMOTIVE Hans Auto Repair Factory trained Volvo tech Servicing all makes & models 831.583.9820 hansautorepair.com
MORTGAGE INSURANCE Golden Memorial Plan
We can help your family overcome the burden of ﬁnal expenses and oﬀer tools to prepare and record your ﬁnal wishes. Bi-lingual, compassionate and experienced. CA Lic#0184442 831.402.0304
Let’s Talk. I have the experience to help you. 831.655.1678 firstname.lastname@example.org NMLS# 240919 DRE # 01193679
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Up in the Hayloft By Jann Gargiulo We were a very loving family. That word “loving” meant different things to different people. I learned all about that when I moved to the third floor bedrooms! But, that took years to learn. It was only one year and four months before Ruthie came upstairs and I had to move again. This time into another bed in the same “room.” I was put in the same bed as Charlotte! She was a grouch before there ever was a Sesame Street! No one wanted to sleep with her! But, Joan was in there too so she would keep Char under control. My big wish then was to sleep with Doris. See, we had a connection of sorts, we were both born on the same day! Just 13 years apart! She was on a school field trip to the Washington Zoo the afternoon I was born and she always teases that I am a souvenir that she brought home from the zoo that day. Because she said that so often and it hurt my feelings, I asked her if she would take me up in the pencil some day. (That’s what we called The Washington Monument.) She promised. But, to this day she has never taken me! That is the only promise she made to me that she didn’t keep. Of course, we are both still living, so there’s time. I never told you what the bedroom looked like, did I? Well, I must say that I was surprised when I first saw it. Have you ever seen the hay loft in an old barn? Well, the old ones were pretty much just one big open room, with a small area on one end set for the equipment to haul up the bales of hay. The hay was then
stacked in all of the open space of the huge room. At the other end of the room was a very large opening with two windows that pushed out. From outside a large slide of sorts was attached to the window ledge to allow the bales of hay to slide down when they were needed.
We had a connection of sorts, we were both born on the same day! Of course we no longer used it for a barn or to store hay … just kids! The room that housed the equipment, now held two full beds for the boys. The side with the big window was the girl’s bedroom, with 3 full beds and one twin. There was a curtain momma made at the boys room. The stairs were those wrap around stairs, and there was a door at the bottom of the stairs; also the only light switch. So, daddy would stand down there until everyone was in bed, then we would all yell together, “Turn out the light!” Daddy would switch off the light as he said good night. I felt such love after that little routine every night; I thought we all did. It was many, many years before I found out that there was one in the family who did not feel that love. I wish I could go back in time and change that.
Beer, Wine & Valentine
A great way and day to celebrate. Taste, munch and dance while contributing to help a great cause. www.ccqlp.org
With all the technology, we still rely on this furry little animal’s behavior to predict when spring will arrive.
Champions of the Arts The annual red carpet event showcases and honors extraordinary vision, talent, dedication and passion of world class art in our community and the people who make it happen. Livestreamed on MCAET TV. www.arts4mc.org
Happy Birthday Larry Wilde
Clean out your computer Day
America’s bestselling humorist and creator of National Humor Month turns 90 today. Larrywilde.com
Defrag, debug, de plane! Time to organize your files. Don’t forget the dust bunnies.
Wave all your Fingers at your Neighbor Day Please count all five and wave politely for a change.
February 14 If you see a guy buying flowers any other day, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, “What did you do?”
Super Bowl Sunday
The Patriots seem to be there every year. The Eagles have been there a few times and never won, until this year. Eagles 31 Pats 24
Lead guitarist and co-founder of the Kinks. One of the most unpredictable and original forces in rock. goldenstatetheatre.com
Chocolate & Wine at the Library
Forget the overdue books. Celebrate all that is local wine, craft beer and yummy chocolate. Silent auction and music. www.mplfriends.com
Meet Madeline Di Maggio
A lecture offering insights about screenwriting. This includes streaming TV and film and how to successfully market your creative work. www.filmmonterey.org
February 8 Steinbeck Center hosts local high school students who can spin a good story in five minutes. The key theme is ‘mischief.’ This goes beyond the story of the dog that ate the homework. email@example.com
Single Awareness Day
In all likelihood, if you don’t have candy, flowers, the memories of a special meal or silly card to read from yesterday, you are single.
Pebble Beach AT&T Pro-Am
Popular touring pros join celebrities for a wacky week of golf. Jordon Spieth defends his title. This event supports local non-profits. www.attpbgolf.com
XXII Winter Olympics South Korea hosts the Winter Games that unite the world through sports. Our favorite, throwing snowballs at moving cars was not added as an event this year.
Chinese New Year
Year of the Dog. Be warned, if this is your zodiac year, you will have hurdles to overcome. Wearing red underwear every day for the entire year protects you from bad fortune and evil spirits. Fullmoonmonterey.com
Public Sleeping Day Your chance to attend a city council meeting and see how the pros do it.
Seaside Chamber of Commerce welcomes Wakatobi Japanese Grill
TUNE IN 9-10AM Every Saturday morning
LOCAL GUYS ON
LOCAL RADIO also streaming on www.shagbagshow.com
Along with Seaside Mayor Ralph Rubio, Councilman Dave Pacheco & Staff
Come and try
COME CELEBRATE WITH US
Wakatobi Japanese Grill 1130 Fremont Blvd., Seaside 717-4624 www.WakatobiRestaurant.com
Check out some of our Great Websites!
Wish you luck in the Year of the Dog 狗年大吉 gǒu nián dàjí
www.MontereyBayHealthAndBeauty.com www.MontereyBayChurches.com www.MontereyBayNonProfits.com www.MontereyBayBanking.com www.MontereyCarChannel.com www.SeasideAutoDealers.com www.MontereyBayMotocycles.com www.MontereyBayPets.com www.MontereyEatPlayAndStay.com For a complete list of our Websites go to: www.MontereyBayCoolWebsites.com Created, Designed and Provided by the: Seaside, Sand City, Del Rey Oaks & Monterey Chambers of Commerce 505 Broadway Ave., Seaside, CA (831) 394-6501 Info@TheChamberOffice.org – www.YourChambersOfCommerce.org
Open Daily for Lunch & Dinner Private Parties Welcome Catering Gift Cards
429 Alvarado St. | Monterey 831.333.1288 www.fullmoonmonterey.com
To advertise on the Cork Board Call: 648.1038
Published on Jan 31, 2018