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Editor’s Letter For those of you who are new to Castle this year, let me introduce you to Floreat Castellum: This is your college magazine. We are printed once at the end of each term— plus this special extra issue to get the year started—, and our aim is to fill our pages with all that is Castle. We hope to provide content that is of interest to all Castlemen, whether they live within the Castle walls or are spending the year much further afield. To do this, we want to know what you want from your magazine, so if you if have any questions or suggestions, please get in contact with myself, or any other members of the team (listed right). This issue spiralled slightly out of control in terms of length—originally we set out to create a 30 page publication, and we are now pushing 50! We’ve covered everything from the traditional ‘Freshers’ Week Report’ (p.4) and ‘Fittest Fresher List’ (p.28) to views on bullfighting (p.36), an insight into graduate life (p.16) and a feature on a Castle treasure whose portrait graces the Great Hall’s west wall (p.19). Thank you to all who contributed to this issue, from the writers, to the photographers, to the wonderful paintings and illustrations by Caroline St Quinton (cover and pp.6-9).

Meet The Team EDITOR Livia Carron l.a.carron@durham.ac.uk DEPUTY EDITORS Joel Holford joel.holford@durham.ac.uk Krassi Petrova krasimira.petrova @durham.ac.uk NEWS EDITORS Becca Doggwiler r.j.doggwiler@durham.ac.uk Amy Rolf amy.rolf@durham.ac.uk FEATURES EDITORS Kenneth Chan k.k.c.chan@durham.ac.uk Jane Markey e.j.markey@durham.ac.uk Lauren McCollum lauren.mccollum @durham.ac.uk SPORTS EDITOR Liberty Brown liberty.brown @durham.ac.uk CULTURE EDITOR Kirsten Ash k.j.ash@durham.ac.uk

For those of you who are new to Castle, and for those returning: Welcome Home.

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Contents 3 4 6 10 12 14 16 18 19 20 22 26 28 32 36 38 40 42 43 44 46 48 50

Castle Community Action The Freshers’ Week Report Stereotypes of Castle 4th Years: Then & Now Returning Home A Word on Words The Graduate Life Lessons Art in Castle: John The Maid The Risks of Pulling an All-Nighter Castlemen of the Issue Your Thoughts The Fittest Fresher List The Sports Round-up Bullfighting: My Thoughts Your USO Mundie Moments Theatre News It’s Ok… What To Watch The Exec: 2 Truths, 1 Lie Sympathetic Student Solutions Gossip Girl

Finalist Wisdom Unemployment is a very unattractive quality in a potential husband.

But what if you loved them? I would encourage them to get a job. Harriet Line 2


Castle Community Action The Four Different Divisions Primary Care Division "CCA Primary Education are currently working with Gilesgate Primary School to help struggling Year 3 children with reading. We're in the process of adding more schools to the program and are planning a school trip to Castle for university taster-sessions. We've had way over 100 people sign up for CCAPE during Freshers' Week and this year promises to be very exciting and successful!"

Secondary Care Division “The response at the Freshers’ Fair was truly staggering and it was wonderful to see so many enthusiastic volunteers. We had a fantastic meeting with St Leonard’s Catholic School, where we plan to help with the school’s pantomime, Cinderella. We’re looking forward to assisting them with rehearsals and costume and set design, with possibly opportunities for those interested in tech too. We’ve also forged a link with the SCA, enabling our volunteers to take part in their existing tutoring projects. The first term is going really well for the CCA Secondary Education and we’re very excited about what will be taking place!”

Homeless Division The Homeless Division’s mission statement – ‘We believe that the greatest poverty is a poverty of friends. Our aim therefore is to love, serve and also befriend the homeless and marginalised members of this city. We refuse to be satisfied by the social injustice we see around Durham. We refuse to accept that the status quo cannot be changed. And we refuse to conform to the culture that demonises and turns its back on the homeless.’ At the Homeless Division we are ready to start volunteering four-days a week with the Salvation Army at Sanctuary 21 in November. We will also be working with Durham Foodbank - particularly towards the end of term where we will be organising mass food collections.

Elderly Care Division “As part of the elderly care division of Castle community action, we aim to bridge the gap between the community and the students. Elderly people who live in and around Durham often find themselves isolated from the community and the university, and we believe that we can truly integrate ourselves with the local area. We are a friendly bunch who are organising coffee mornings, visits to care homes and skills exchanges, in reality, it's an excellent excuse for some tea and cake and to be able to have a natter!” 3


The Freshers’ Week Report from the perspective of the freps REFLECTIONS Spot The Optimist: "It was like being a fresher again. I made so many new friends, I didn't think that would happen but I am really glad it did!" The Realists: "Didn't realise we'd spend more time looking after drunk second years than drunk freshers. Spending a sober night in Klute made me never want to drink again." "I’ve been wracking my brains for Freshers’ Week memories… but it all seems to be slipping away in a haze of tiredness and euphoria." And The Pragmatist: "Well, at least I got a good profile picture out of it…"

SLEEP DEPRIVATION “My favourite part of Freshers’ week was the 4 hours of sleep that I got in between the early mornings and the late nights.” …Once they’d caught up on their beauty sleep however, this Frep had no problems attracting the Fresh in week two…

FRESHERS BY NUMBERS After a short V’s session, 4 chaps carried a fresher up 3 spirals 2 find 1 inevitable outcome: #toomuchchunder 4


FREPS ON FRESH ~ metaphorically speaking ~ One fresher amusingly misheard Cuth’s college drink name and proceeded to ask the bemused bar staff for a ‘Brownie Bollock’. ~~~ Some fresh were more prepared than others when transporting their worldly goods to the castle, one with a luggage trolley and the other one with a van. Let’s hope they aren’t in Moatside! ~~~ Two poor fresher girls were unmercifully dragged out of Wiff Waff toilets midchunder following a 'leak' evacuation. Now there's a lovely image for you. ~~~ One privileged fresher admitted when drunk to attempting to put on a slight accent to seem less posh. ~~~

WASHROOM WOES Many fresh mistaking the dryers for washing machines. ~~~ An attempt to wash clothes with fairy liquid. ~~~ Frantic deciphering of which button (‘whites’ or ‘colours’) to press to wash coloured clothes. ~~~ Enquiries regarding whether items such as towels and bedding can be washed in washing machines. ~~~

I absolutely loved frepping, but I wish people would stop referring to me as the ‘slutty cheerleader’ 5


Castle Stereotypes Jane Markey and Livia Carron take you through some of the people you are likely to encounter at Castle.

As we’re all aware, Durham is famous for its ‘rahs’ (students who, on most days, appear to be sponsored by Barbour and/or Hunter), but here at Castle we’ve got our very own particular stereotypes. We thought it was only fitting to introduce them to you, so here’s your guide to navigating the ins and outs of college.

From Left to Right Back Table: The Super-Rah, The Facebook Whore, The ‘Alternative’ Front Table: The Gap Yah, The Stash Enthusiast

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The Super-Rah The gilet is no longer ’just’ an accessory, but a permanent and necessary staple of their daily clothing. Their hair is perfectly messy, they only wear trousers in shades of the rainbow and they are likely to suffer from conundrums such as, “should I double gilet in the Great Hall?!” (A. Blackwell) ~~~

The Facebook Whore After your inaugural 5 minute chat in dinner queue you've been friend requested by them and a quick glance at their profile provides an overview of their life history. Should you wish to follow them in other online capacities, they will be sure to have a blog, twitter, instagram, et al. ~~~

The 'Alternative' These are Castle's 'edgy' group. They are likely to be found in Flat White or loitering at the end of the Barbican. Accessories include cigarettes, tie-die clothing and several ‘less traditional’ piercings. ~~~

The Gap Yah Just back from "the most unbelievable year ever" and can't wait to tell you all about it at every meal time. Favourite locations include Tanziniah, Perah and that obscure country you'd never previously heard of. ~~~

The Stash Enthusiast Easily recognisable by their penchant for Castle/ Bailey/ DU stash, their outfit is never complete without an item in cardinal or purple. The effect of those sporting DU/Bailey stash is that they appear to be in a permanent state of 'just-about-to-goto-training'. ~~~ 7


Klute Addicts You love it or you hate it, but either way you’re going to end up going to and talking about Klute for the rest of your academic life. Klute lovers spend at least fifty percent of their week there, don’t leave until they’ve given a powerful rendition of ‘That’s Amore’ and know every song Busted ever released. On the other hand, Klute can also inspire hatred in the ‘edgy’ amongst us, so steer clear of those in double denim, trousers that aren’t chinos and anything that could be described as ‘vintage’ if you fall into this category. ~~~

Fourth Years Who Want To Be Your Friend Although many serial offenders are no longer with us, we’ve been gifted a new bunch of fourth years who can be heard screaming ‘I don’t know anyone here!!!!’ and ‘I used to be a BNOC!!!!’ ritually throughout the day. They’ll probably try and sit beside you at lunch and they’ll definitely smile at you in the street, but don’t be too scared - only half of them are sharking. ~~~

Freshers Who Go To The Library After Freshers’ Week ends, an inevitable stream of bright-eyed and bushy tailed freshers begin to edge their way into the library. You’ll see them enter on ay one, laden with new textbooks and the dream of a first, but then you’ll probably witness them mid-breakdown on day two when they realise they’ve taken the seat that’s just outside the door to the Undie. ~~~

Older Years (PJ Skinners) Who Hate Freshers Who Go To The Library Where freshers go, this lot will follow. Most likely to be seen on the top floor of the Lowe or complaining, chatting or surveying the Great Hall from Minstrels. They will be outwardly disgusted by the phenomenon of “FRESHERS in the LIBRARY?!” If approached by one of these individuals and questioned, “WHY ARE YOU IN THE LIBRARY WHEN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING?!”, don’t take it to heart; they’re just reminiscing about the good old days when nothing they did counted towards their degree and continuing PJ’s legacy. ~~~

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Sports Lads No matter what sport it is, every team has at least a few self proclaimed lads. However, don’t believe anyone who says that they aren’t intelligent in their own right. Thrilling debates such as ‘Rugby is better than Football lol’ and ‘Are UCBC really all choppers?’ are rife, and these athletes really put their all into fighting their corner. Most likely to be spotted ‘on the pull’, although those of us at Floreat are not sure how high their conversion rate really is. ~~~

From Left to Right Back Table: Klute Addicts, Fourth Years Who Want To Be Your Friend, Sports Lads Front Table: Freshers Who Go To The Library, Older Years who Hate Freshers Who Go To The Library

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Fourth Years: Then & Now Lauren McCollum takes a trip down memory lane, profiling four fourth years’ transformations from their fresher year (when dinosaurs roamed the earth) ‘till now. Even fourth years were young once… Lucy Padfield Then: Lucy was determined not to Waiste a single moment of her freshers week, she went Big every night.

David Knowles

Now: Ladfield is back from Europe and back in business. We're predicting a bigger year than ever for this bella, providing she can still manage to walk when it gets to That's Amore.

Then: This baby-faced thesp’s performances on stage delighted directors and thrilled theatre-goers… although his performances between the sheets most likely scarred the unsuspecting audience that was his roommate. Now: The years seem to have taken their toll, as poor David managed to cripple himself just by sitting on a reclining seat on the train. However, he has advanced to the ranks of student theatre big dogs in his role as Castle Theatre Company co-president, and ladies of castle may be interested to know he now has a single room… 10


Kevin Kendaru Then: This little Diva was never afraid to Bring It On in first year. Now: Throughout his 3 years at Castle, Kevin has taught us all the importance of aiming high, and that there's safety in numbers. Though his 4th year has got off to a quiet start, we're sure he'll be creating scandal that we'll all want to scream about from the rooftops soon enough. Ellie Sallabank Then: Young Ellie had a near miss with a third year shark back in her own freshers year. Where many fellow castle girls would have failed to resist the Tomptation, Ellie decided he just wasn't her cup of tea. Now: Physics nerds everywhere will be devastated to know that this blue eyed beauty has been snapped up by another former Castleman, but we're all still excited for another year of double Sallabank trouble with Ellie and her sister Cathy both now Undie regulars. 11


Returning Home Emma Francombe talks about coming back to Castle post year abroad.

When I left for Spain at the end of Second Year, it felt like I was saying goodbye to Castle; almost like my University career was ending as many friends who arrived with me would leave to start their “adult lives”. Life was changing in exciting yet terrifying ways and it was a total disruption to the normality that had guided my first two years in Durham. You do know you’ll be back for the final year, but the thought of such a radical change makes you fear that when you return, the things you knew and remember fondly will have gone with the people you shared them with. However, walking along the Barbican to collect my keys on my first day back this year - the first day of the last year - dragging my suitcase filled with books, formal dresses and my gown, I felt like I had never been away. The past year away faded as I walked through the Castle gates to the courtyard with the banner hanging from the Norman Gallery reaffirming that you have, indeed, returned home. All the linguists refer to “last year” when we mean Second Year, and we have to remind ourselves daily that we were away for a substantial amount of time. Maybe this itself proves that Durham, or more obviously, Castle, has a spirit that is untouchable, and never changes regardless of the political changes within the University, the new buildings, the rebranded DSU or the new admissions policy. In College, yes, the Exec is different; the JCR has new furniture; the Keep has been lovingly redesigned and refurbished, and the servery has a much better design (along with trays, which makes balancing plates somewhat easier). Yet, so many things have remained the same: things that were taken for granted before, but now, as returners, we appreciate more than ever. These are the things that will form the memories we will take with us after we (hopefully) graduate at the end of this year. 12


Eating in the Great Hall is something unique and unexplainable (without comparing to Hogwarts), and attempting to describe formals to non-Doxbridge friends is almost impossible. Given that they do occur twice-weekly means that we could readily overlook how amazing they are, but how many people can say that they eat in gowns, by candlelight, in a Castle, a couple of times a week? The power of uniting to sing the college songs, be it at a sports match, matriculation, or drunkenly in Hatfield Bar, should not be underestimated either, as the history and the passion felt by those joining in does define us as a College, even if we are talking of pigeons defecating on other colleges, or telling these other colleges, through use of profanity, to politely go away. We learn to enjoy the ever traditional Formal-Undie-Klute routine of a Thursday, and subsequent Friday morning hangover; the College brunch; the “banter� that is debated on the sports mailing lists; the superiority you feel as you push past the barrier on Palace Green, astounding tourists by casually wandering into the Castle and inadvertently ruining their photos; and also Colin the Porter, who, still as jovial as ever, remains keen to help any student in need (providing you haven’t left a thousand parcels for collection). These are the little things that make Castle life what it is; the fundamental aspects that are eternal to College Life that remain even when we, as students, do not. So yes, as Fourth Years, we are getting older, and some of us may even be getting wiser, but underneath it all, we are Castlemen at heart; Castlemen who are grateful to be back, and Castlemen who, most definitely, will be making the most of the final year within the Castle Walls. 13


A Word on Words Joel Holford provides a Castle specific lexicon.

The learning curve is steep at university. Whether you are learning about your degree, your alcohol tolerance or how to defeat a hangover, the faster you can pick it up, the better you will be. In college, there are many new words that you will hear. This reference guide can act as the ‘Urban Dictionary’ of your new home. Chat definition: Communication Skills used in a sentence: ‘That fresher has such poor chat!’ Chin definition: shortened version of ‘Chin Up’. You are experiencing a problem and are receiving no sympathy from the user of the phrase. used in a sentence: Fresher Boy, ‘They have just run out of vanilla yogurt in the servery!’ Third Year Nyall, ‘Chin…’ Danger (Dange or D) definition: a highly controversial and contextual word. In certain circumstances it can be posed as a question, normally when the asker is determining the probability of an event occurring. used in a sentence: ‘Danger of another fresher coming to V’s!’ However, it can also be used as an ironic statement if an event is unlikely to occur, for example: ‘Danger of some good chat on a rowing social?’ Eat definition: to consume a beverage quickly used in a sentence: ‘Eat it, FRESHERRRR!’

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Legit definition: legitimate, very good used in a sentence: ‘Just minesweeped a full quaddie. Legit!’ * Literally definition: according to the OED, now able to be used in the same sense as ‘metaphorically’ used in a sentence: ‘I am literally dead’ Non definition: the Negative Prefix which counteracts the attached word used in a sentence: ‘He is non-piece!’ (see definition of ‘piece’) Off of definition: from, or pertaining to used in a sentence: ‘Oh that’s Lily, off of the Paralympics’ Parred definition: rejected used in a sentence: ‘That girl pie-faced me last night! I have never been parred that way before’ Piece definition: attractive used in a sentence: ‘That girl is piece!’ Sausage (Suage) definition: the thing I said before was actually a humorous lie used in a sentence: ‘I never miss my 9am lecture – SAUSAGE (including a hand gesture resembling a 1990’s telephone).’ Shank definition: awful, mugged off, screwed over used in a sentence: ‘I have been absolutely shanked with my timetable this year, I have four 9ams.’ Strong definition: a Positive Adjective used in a sentence: ‘That was a strong eat of that yard’ *Floreat Castellum in no way encourages or condones minesweeping in Klute or any other watering hole.

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The Graduate Lauren McCollum speaks to Psychology graduate Abi Hall (née Pierce) who married her school sweetheart just a few weeks after graduation.

Congratulations on your recent nuptials Abi! How and when did your husband propose? Was it a surprise? Thanks! He proposed last summer (2012) when we were on holiday in Cornwall with my family. We went on a long walk up the beach and then he went off to “find me some shells” and came back with an engagement ring! It was a surprise in that I didn’t guess that he was going to propose on that day, but I did know that we would be getting engaged at some point that summer. We can barely manage to brush our hair during exam time, how on earth did you manage to plan a wedding whilst doing your finals?! Was it difficult or a welcome break? To be honest at times it was pretty stressful! But I just tried to focus on doing my degree when I was in Durham and then planning the wedding when I was home for the holidays or the odd weekend. It certainly refined my organisational skills! I’m sure all the ladies of castle will be dying to know…how many dresses did you try on before you found ‘the one’, and did you have a ‘thunderbolt’ moment when you put it on for the first time, or was it a more relaxed process? I did try A LOT of dresses before I found ‘the one’… many of which were really awful! In one shop we went into I didn’t like any of the dresses but had to try at least one because I thought it would be really awkward if we just left! When I eventually did try on ‘the one’ it was quite an emotional moment (well, my Mum was crying anyway!) even though the dress at the time was about three sizes too big so didn’t look anything like it did by the wedding day!

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Did everything run smoothly on the day? I had been dreaming about this day for a long time so I was really excited! Right up until we were driving down the road that the church was on and I suddenly felt really nervous and had to squeeze my Dad’s hand the rest of the way! One funny thing that happened was when we were driving to the reception venue; one of the hub-caps of the vintage Daimler fell off so we had to stop and go back to get it! The driver was mortified! I think, cheesy as it sounds, my favourite part of the day was probably saying our vows in Church. It was so amazing to promise those things to the person you love and to see him tear up (a rare thing!) as he promised them back. Where are you now living, and how easy has it been to settle into married life? Now we are living in Sheffield. I am doing an MA in Social Work at Sheffield University and my husband is a maths teacher in Rotherham. Married life is great! We love sharing our lives together and making our house really homely. I’d say I knew most of his weird habits before, but being married has only confirmed to me further that men have an inability to put dirty washing in the washing basket! 17


10 things you learn as a first time liver out Jill Winther and Harriet Wollaston use their first hand experiences to provide some handy tips for second years as they settle into liver out life.

1. Castle is no longer your home. Running away from the Viaduct doesn’t mean that you can get back into accommodation, no matter how hard you try. 2. Notes will become an effective method of communication. 3. The castle porters are no longer available to deal with your post. If you are expecting a package, ensure someone is in or you’ll be collecting your items from a neighbour who answers the door naked. 4. Vomit blocks toilets. When you only have one in the house, you will be peeing in the garden. 5. You can’t live off of ready meals. 6. Houses can have pest problems. Anything and everything has been spotted in the viaduct, from spiders and rats to Dalmatians… 7. An oven is not suitable as an overnight heater. 8. Condoms aren’t delivered to your door anymore. However, roaming the halls of Moatside in search for a supply is a practice recommended by ex-Castle Condom herself. 9. You should be friendly to your landlord. This will come in handy when you bump into him in Fabio’s. #freedrinks 10. Your room won’t be cleaned for you every fortnight. If you don’t happen to have a cleaner, be sure to check labels on cleaning products to avoid using poisonous ant spray as air freshener. 18


John The Maid Have you ever wondered about the history behind some of the Great Hall portraits? Here, Tom Stevenette provides a fascinating insight into the portrait of ‘John The Maid’, which is located immediately right of the servery doors.

The Great Hall is more than a site of historical interest it is a place of community. Over the years it has been frequented by one and all, from the Prince Bishop to the humble fresher, and witness to this have been the great portraits who adorn our great hall. These portraits connect us with our history and give us a sense of continuity with our past. They remind us of the calibre of individuals who have preceded us and inspire us to follow in their worthy example. Amongst the venerable legion who grace the many portraits, there is one who by his presence challenges this monolithic order. He is not a person who has derived his status from political or ecclesiastical hierarchies. He is a person of altogether more humble origins. Yet on all accounts he is a person of integrity and as an honorary Facebook group has christened him ‘the original castle legend’. John Atkins (a.k.a John the Maid) worked as part of the Castle catering staff for fifty years and retired in 2008. His portrait hangs on the west wall next to Maurice Tucker (the former master). Legend has it that when Maurice was but a young Castle undergraduate he was caught uttering something altogether unbefitting of a young Castleman and was promptly admonished by John the Maid who poured a jug of water over his head. John Atkins was awarded an MBE in 2002 for services to higher education but it is not for this that he deserves a place on the west wall. Rather it is because he reminds us of all of the diversity of people who have made a contribution to college life not by being ‘great men’ but by being a great part of this community, which is something that all can aspire towards. 19


The Risks of Pulling an All-Nighter Kenneth Chan explains some of the detrimental effects of all-nighters… as well as providing advice on how to get through them. As a student, you will inevitably encounter many kinds of stress. At university, whether you're having nights out, studying, or whatever the reason, getting enough sleep is not really a priority for most. "That's alright. I'll just pull an all-nighter." How many times have you said that? Moritz Erhart was a 21-year-old intern at Bank of America Merrill Lynch. He worked 3 allnighters in a row during a stretch 2 weeks where he pulled 8 all-nighters in total. He was found dead in the shower by his flatmate. We've all heard the usual: pulling an all-nighter to cram will actually get you worse grades than if you just sleep! Yadda yadda yadda. But the physical trade-offs are not limited to short-term tiredness. It can actually have prolonged effects on your body. In fact, deprivation of nocturnal sleep can lead to serious consequences for almost all bodily organs and systems. Here are some of the bare basics: Disrupts Thermoregulation, so you become cold. Remember that there's a reason the body needs to remain at 37º – to provide the right environment for chemicals and enzymes in the body to do their job. Shatters the Immune System Decrease in production of immunomodulating cytokines (what we call T-cells, immune system signalers), and simultaneous increase in inflammatory cytokines, means you'll get sick easier. Increases Stroke Risk According to a 2012 study, adults who regularly sleep less than 6 hours have 4 times the risk of having a stroke. Short sleep will make up for not being overweight, not hang family stroke history, and other typical risk factors. Contributes to Obesity The endocrine system is disturbed, and two of the hormones altered are ghrelin and leptin. Ghrelin is a hunger signaler… and leptin is a fullness signaler… You get why this would lead to poor eating choices, right? One reason all these health problems sound ridiculous is that we as students hold onto a mentality of everlasting youth and all its associated resilience. Grandpa Kenneth is here to tell you: We're getting OLD. 20


Perhaps the multitude of narratives of those fellow students who fall asleep amid lastminute cram sessions and miss their exams would be, disturbingly, more compelling. Consider our imaginary friend Frank. Frank has a 9am exam in the morning, but he's, frankly, not ready for it. He gathers Red Bull and instant coffee, and begins to study. At midnight, Frank's starting to experience the bed-time signals of slower reading comprehension, blurry eyes, and yawning. Good thing he has Red Bull. A couple cans of that, and he's fine. He soldiers on, only occasionally massaging his temples and brow. It's sunny when Frank opens his eyes. The clock shows 9:23am. He doesn't bother suppressing the expletives. It's time to sprint. But, of course, you're going to pull all-nighters anyway, so here are some essential tips: Do not get too comfortable. The mindset you use when studying should be the same mindset you'll have when you use the knowledge. Wearing sleepwear or studying in bed will only put you to sleep. Nap wisely. Only if you're nodding off continuously, and set your alarm for no more than 20 minutes, or else you'll wake up feeling shattered, or not wake up until morning. Plus, 3 naps of 20 minutes each adds up to an entire hour. And, harking back to the tip of not getting too comfortable: what I do is, remaining fully dressed, I lie cross-wise on top of the covers, so my head is at one edge and my legs hang over the other edge. Drink lots of water. Replenish that H2O. This is important in order to keep your bodily functions, including your brain, operating properly. Be careful with caffeinated drinks. Only take the minimum necessary amount, and only when you feel yourself starting to drift, not before. This is not only because of the subsequent crash, but also because too much caffeine, especially in combination with sleep deprivation, can give us anxiety, panic, stomach problems, and even irregular heart rhythms. Take breaks to walk around and stretch. It's important not to let your joints get stiff in those hunched studying positions, and to get some blood circulating. If you're drinking water, that plus the coffee will probably ensure you're getting up to go to the washroom. Finally, to free yourself from useless distractions, Study Alone, and if you use a Mac, have some Self Control – the app. 21


Castlemen of the Issue Joel Holford and Jane Markey talk to four talented Castlemen about their incredible achievements.

Basil Strang

Zoology, 3rd Year DU Rugby What is your extra-curricular activity? Rugby for DURFC, I play fly half. Lifting big weights. I also love frequent nights out! Which takes up more time, your degree or your sport? Rugby probably takes up more time then my degree, as I’m quite lazy on the work front. If you stopped playing rugby what would you do instead? If I stopped playing rugby I would probably row or play tennis or something as I don't like to be cooped up. Best Castle memory: XXXIs Club Best thing about playing rugby for DURFC : Stash (everyone loves stash). Worst thing about playing for DURFC : Early morning gym sessions! Favourite anecdote from DURFC: Getting an on pitch inspection last year for a kick to the plums. 22


Louise Jeffrey

Sports Science, 2nd Year 1st Team Durham Lacrosse Which takes up more time, your degree or your sport? It is around 12 hours training a week, then a full Wednesday. Probably around 50/50 degree/sport, but my degree is sport, so that kind of helps. If you couldn’t do your sport what would you do instead? I really enjoy drama and set design. I think I would take on a lot more positions doing that kind of thing. Best Castle Memory : The 2013 June Ball was incredible. The fireworks over the Castle after dinner will be a moment that I remember forever. Best thing about Lacrosse: Matches are the best thing, undeniably. We train with the girls all the time, but when it comes down to it on match day, that is when you can really value them. Socials are great too. They are really well organised and absolutely mad! Worst thing about Lacrosse: The team politics gets complicated and messy and is not ideal. Favourite Durham anecdote: I got a taxi to the station one time, and needed to book a taxi back. Mid conversation I said to the middle-aged taxi driver ‘So what are you doing later?’

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Christopher Hirschman

Modern Languages (Arabic + Italian), 3rd Year Violinist

Current Location - Fez, Morocco Which takes up more time, your degree or your society? Towards the beginning of last year, when I had the concerto approaching, definitely the music took up more time because of practice etc, but as the year went along I tried to balance a bit more as I started to realise that 2nd year actually counted! By the end it was about equal, hours-wise. Best Castle memory: To date were the first few meals in the Great Hall, what a place to eat 3 meals a day. Now that I'm abroad I think I miss it more so looking forward to more of that when I'm back in 4th year. Best thing about being part of Durham University Orchestral Society (DUOS): The concerts in the cathedral and in different European cities when we go on 'tour' at Easter time. On the social side it's really nice to get to know other like-minded students across all years and all colleges of the university. Worst thing about DUOS: Is the hours of rehearsing, and even more so if it's unproductive. Do you have any anecdotes from DUOS? At our exec handover meal at Bistro Italiano, the waiters forced me to play violin during the meal as 'entertainment' in front of both old and new execs. that in itself was quite embarrassing but the worst bit came when i asked for a discount on my food (I was being serious) and/or a future job as violin entertainer (not so‌) and they bluntly refused both. Ouch. 24


Jennifer Walsh

Natural Sciences, 2nd Year Athletics Which takes up more time, your degree or your society? That's a tough one, training probably wins when you include the sessions themselves, the s&c, the core, the drills, the stretching etc‌it's pretty time consuming! But time flies when you're having fun! I've been injured most of the summer and not able to run so I've been doing a fair bit of cycling. I think I'd probably see if I could make a go of that if I was unable to run (fingers crossed that doesn't happen)! Best Castle memory: I really enjoyed my first June Ball as a fresher! Although it was pretty tough making it to the end without booze! I was teetotal at the time as at the time I was in the build up phase to the World Junior Championships! Best thing about Athletics: Most favourite thing is feeling my lungs burn during a tough workout and the satisfaction you feel after. Worst thing about Athletics: Least favourite is probably dragging myself out of a warm, cosy bed at 6.30am on a cold winter's morning to go for a morning run when I have a 9am lecture. Do you have any anecdotes from Athletics? It was the Intercounties Cross Country Championships (a pretty high level race with the 8 best runners from each county which are on sky sports every year), my first race for Yorkshire as a 15 year old who was pretty new to the athletics scene. Fearless, I scampered off to the front of the pack and then built up a 30m lead in the first couple of minutes. The commentator was like 'I'm not sure what this Yorkshire lass thinks she's doing' (on reflection he had a fair point). Anyway, whilst still at the front, with the camera solely focused on me, I decked it for all to see live on sky sports! I got up pretty quick though and ended up 7th which wasn't too bad considering it was my first time in the event. I proved the commentator wrong the following year when I went on to win the English schools championships! 25


“SPORTS SOCIALS ARE PRESURIZED AND DANGEROUS”

“Sensible drinking limits are important, and if groups can’t impose that then they’re being irresponsible. But, social drinking can be important in forming strong teams.” ~~~ “I’ve personally avoided some sports because I thought they’d be to drinking orientated. Forced drinking takes away a person’s choice.” ~~~ “It’s a good way to test your limits.” ~~~ “There are ways to bond without alcohol. A social that forces you to drink is not fun, it’s bulling.” ~~~ “They’re not dangerous and pressurized, they’re fun! In my experiences no one has forced us to drink more than we wanted to, and people are always looked after.” ~~~ “Once you’ve been through a social challenge, there is a temptation to challenge people in unreasonable ways, just as you’ve been. So the nature of sports socials as pressurized and dangerous becomes inescapable.” ~~~ “It undermines the value of the sport and turns it into more of an exclusive social club.” ~~~ “Done in the right way, they are a very important part of bonding. However, a lot of sports socials worryingly mirror laddish culture.” ~~~ “It’s important to encourage camaraderie on the pitch, and that is the important role that sports socials play. You all do a difficult thing together and you come out of it closer and a more effective team.” ~~~ “It depends on the sport. Rugby is pretty pressurised, but that sort of comes with the sport itself. There’s no danger on sports socials as you’re part of a club and no one wants to see anyone getting hurt.” ~~~ 26


“’BLURRED LINES’ IS DEGRADING TO WOMEN”

“Yes, ‘Blurred Lines’ is degrading and I don't approve of the objectification of women, but it is no worse than half the other singles in the charts at the moment, such as ‘Talk Dirty To Me’. Also what does rhyme with hug me?” ~~~ “I don't tend to get involved in this type of the debate, but the reaction to Blurred Lines has been ridiculous in the context of today's music. If the line ‘I Know You Want It’ is viewed to be derogatory and degrading to women, then there should be equal furore against The Pussycat Dolls’ ‘Don’t Cha’ where the same line is used in regards to men.” ~~~ “It is important to recognise the distinction between a good tune and a good song; many people may argue and believe that 'Blurred Lines' is a good tune, but I find it hard to see a credible argument for it being a good song. The fact of the matter is that it is degrading to both women and men; the most obvious case is perhaps the implication that a woman's right to say no is undervalued and dismissed, but there is also the undertone that a man cannot respect or understand when a woman does not give consent, which, most of the time, is simply false. Men are not animals incapable of rational and social thought, and women do not exist purely to be sexual objects for men, and so 'Blurred Lines' is degrading to both women and men.” ~~~ “It's perfectly acceptable to like the song, even if you are a feminist, but that doesn't mean that you can't criticise it for some very concerning lyrics and the video. All popular culture should be able to stand up to criticism - unfortunately even the artist himself has spoken about how much fun it was degrading women in the video.” ~~~ I understand that the uncensored 'Blurred Lines' video may not be to everyone's taste, but I think it's highly unlikely that Robin Thicke forced those gorgeous women to take their clothes off and dance around seductively to his song. They are all model/ dancers after all and they probably got paid a fortune for it. With regard to the song itself, I can't see anything particularly degrading there either. There are a few lines that are a little…risqué, but its not as if this is the first time someone's ever used the words 'bitch' or 'smack that ass' in a song before. 'Blurred lines' is a great tune to hear on a night out and to call it degrading is, in my opinion, really rather pathetic. ~~~ 27


The Fittest Fresher List A Brief Disclaimer: This list has been formed from the contributions of a variety of 2nd, 3rd and 4th years, but we’ve kept our ears alert to the fresher discussions regarding it. This is a Floreat tradition intended in good spirit, and we hope you enjoy reading as much as we enjoyed stalking your Facebook profiles.

Special Mention: This blonde beauty has featured on many a Floreat fit list. Now a post-grad, she graces our pages once more.

You can’t stub out this stunner. She ranked at 10, but one of the editors would give her 10/10.

This little cowgirl is clearly from the Wild Wild Westlake. Watch out for her sultry S-drop in Klute.

Foster deserves a pat(el) on the back, don’t know how he managed to lock this one down. 28

This English rose is simply gorgeous. It’s been a good issue for the Kemps…

1 Sam 25:3 “…Abigail was an intelligent and beautiful woman…”


I’d have anatomy lessons with this lion tamer (see bf).

Well fair on the eyes and welfare at heart. What more could you want?!

Shotguned for Sharp. He, like us, hopes to see moore of this pretty blonde.

“Absolute babe” (J.H., 1CV)

Yadav a hard time finding someone worthy of this beauty.

L A D I E S F I R S T 29


G E T L E M E N

C A S T L E

Special Mention: Overheard inquiring about this list, and we believe those who ask should receive.

Another Curious George…

Dreamy eyed pentathlete, and the other half of O32.

We’d like to roll in the hay with this burley farmer.

“There’s something sexy about that jaw” (L.M., H11)

This lovely lad is the scrum-iest on the rugby pitch.

O F 30


Be careful not to bite off more than you can chew with this one.

1 part Abercrombie model in the making, 1 part sexy Scot. We have so much love for this gorgeous twosome.

Otherwise know as Hot Hockey Harry. Enough said.

Watch out Packham, there’s a new Derby fittie on the scene… and we hear he has great chat.

Evading popular methods of communication, the inability to Facebook stalk this modern day Mr Darcy only adds to his mystery. His student finance spending habits may be questionable, but that hasn’t stopped him becoming the Apple of our eye. NB: Pronounce ‘Sin’ not ‘Saint’. 31


The Sports Round-up Men’s Football Castle AFC made a strong finish to last year, with the A team managing to maintain their position as a Premiership side, and, although the Bs didn’t quite manage to make it two promotions in a row, it does mean that the scene is set for another blockbuster B’s vs C’s clash this year. The draw for the cup has also created the possibility of an A’s vs D’s game, which promises to be an entertaining affair. This year has also started well, with a comfortable 7-1 victory over Mary’s in a pre-season friendly marred only by DUAFC’s Michael Benedict’s first ever goal for Castle, putting himself on par with illustrious Castle scorers such as Rich Jones and Sam Reeve. A largely promising pre-season campaign means there are high hopes for the A team, with the arrivals of DUAFC’s James Grant and Tom Weedon meaning we may not have to rely solely on Rob Langman for any kind of attacking flair. We are also relieved to not have to worry about Chris Moore’s own kind of flair, that for calamitous own goals. As for the C’s, with the change of captaincies Tom DiMaio is hopeful of actually getting a game this year. With Nyall having made his C team debut, VSM Ed Gibbs making an appearance at training in the near future, and the club being led by an unambiguously large head, the future looks bright for Castle AFC. Sam Horrocks

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Women’s Football After sadly losing the entirety of last year’s exec (all 2 of them) to years abroad, many of the female footballing fresh have flown in the other direction from overseas to take over. With top performances from all in training and the first game far, far away in Stockton, they are definitely showing us Howe it is done. The new intake have not been taking all the Flach though with favourites from last season continuing to get involved. Any (girls) are welcome to join us at any point throughout the year, whether you’re new to Castle or you’ve been here a while and have been S.L.O. to realise which Castle team is the one for you! With a social on the way and a new sponsor (everyone’s favourite bar in Durham, the Bishop Langley), hopes are high for another successful season off, as well as on the pitch. Polly Swindells

Tennis So far we have had a smashing start to the year, with a volley of 26 freshers coming along to the taster session. Some early signs of quality were served up, despite the usual late nights and backhand antics associated with fresher's week. We will be looking to play every week throughout winter and organise some friendly intercollegiate matches to keep the match form ticking over. Stuart Whitehouse

Basketball With a strong influx of talented freshers this year bodes well for the year at UCBBC. A close game for the men Vs. Johns on Saturday ended in defeat, however, we still have high hopes this season for promotion, whilst the women are aiming to repeat the strong performance of last year. Those of you looking to supplement your social lives should join the Castle Basketball Facebook group for updates on our upcoming, college-renowned, socials. For anyone looking to learn more about Basketball, at any level, should come along to Hild Bede west gym 6-7pm on a Monday for a game or two. See you on the court! David Lehmani 33


Rowing Early indications suggest Castle’s oldest sports club has begun what promises to be a victorious term, with a jackpot win in the Schoolboy and Schoolgirl Lottery and a highly successful intake of Freshers. The Men started the season early with self-proclaimed ‘Lads Camp’, although one Keyn member, who received injuries from a games controller, was particularly red-faced even without physical exertion. The training geared the squad up for a competitive term of races, not to mention the challenging club Boat Race, where teams travelled along the Bailey in VIIIs, cautiously coached (read encouraged) by senior members of the club. The Freshers are busy training at Maiden Castle under the Learn2Row programme ahead of the esteemed Novice and Wovice Cup in November. For those less keen on early mornings, the annual UCBC Jazz and Cocktails event on 9th November is open to all members of college, regardless of their affiliation, or lack of, to the Club. We look forward to seeing you there! Harriet Line

Netball

Turnout for Netball this season has been huge both on and off the court, and UCNC are thrilled to have so many new members that enjoy the same pursuits as the rest of the club (along with the odd game of netball). With competition for places on the team at an all time high, newcomers Hetty Gittus and Lucy Hughes were keen to impress at ‘Welcome Drinks’ and attempted to see off their competition, unfortunately this move backfired as A team regulars Ruby-Tiger and Hatty were the only two girls with enough bottle to get the job done. Just remember fresh, there’s no point in crying over spilt milk. Also desperate to impress and keen to remain a high profile team member, former A team captain turned USO George Griggs was the first player to score - something that the rest of the team are more than Will-ing to acknowledge. Notable mentions also go to Fran Danzcak who attended her first ever social (as a third year) and was even spotted conversing with freshers, and Anna Miller for her strong performance on top of the DU rugby pyramid at Hatfield. Well done everyone at 23 NB! Jane Markey 34


Pool It was always going to be a tough ask for Castle Pool to maintain their high quality standard of last year, in which the A team won the pool equivalent of the FA cup and Champions League to cap off a successful season. Nevertheless, there has been a strong intake of freshers at trials and we are hopeful the likes of Dom Humphrey, Alex Melvin and Ed Gill can step up to the plate so Castle Pool can continue its recent good form. The league kicks off for Castle B, captained by Kieron Smith, Castle C captained by Sam Morgenstern and the A's this week. All teams are looking to challenge for the top places in their respective leagues this year, and Castle A will certainly be aiming to retain the Trophy they picked up last year. With the 3 teams playing home games in the West Courtyard for the first time, all teams are relying on strong support from fellow Castlemen to help boost performances and match atmosphere. Yet again another excellent season looks in store for Castle Pool. David Gell

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Bullfighting: My Thoughts After attending a bull fight in Seville, Jon Hook gives his opinion on this controversial sport.

Spain’s relationship with bullfighting is one that is just as traditional as it is contentious. As well-mannered Brits, we abhor the idea of it, don’t we? The savage butchering of defenceless animals to satisfy our bloodlust seems just as controversial as the recent horsemeat scandal. What could those Iberians be thinking? As you can probably imagine, it’s not quite as simple as that over here, and is almost as dividing a topic. The region of Catalonia, home to the famous city of Barcelona, is the first to have banned the practice of bullfighting, which it did almost four years ago. Furthermore, the tradition lives on in neighbouring Portugal, but it is illegal to kill a bull in the ring. This ensures that it is guaranteed a professional, and perhaps more honourable, death outside of it. To my great surprise, many of the Spaniards that I have met out here are definitely not against the ritual of bullfighting, but are not entirely in favour of it either. That, however, does not stop them from regularly attending fights with their families. This may appear shocking, but unless you have seen it for yourself it is hard to understand how someone can hold such an ambiguous position. For me living in Seville, the heart of Southern Spain and where the tradition is strongest, I could not say no to the opportunity when invited to experience it first hand. 36


Bullfighting’s association with the country’s dark past of the Franco regime did not stop nearly 12,000 people turning up for the last outing of the season, filling Seville’s Plaza de Toros to the brim. For something that is apparently losing appeal across the country, it was remarkable watching people almost climb over each other to reach their seats in time for the start. At times I could see why it remains so popular; for all the horror cases you hear of when bullfighting is discussed, those occasions are actually few and far between, just like those of any other sport (albeit with arguably more devastating consequences). What’s more, the ritual is carried out meticulously, so much so that it is hard to believe what is happening before your eyes. There is such precision, decisiveness, and remarkable bravery on behalf of the matadors, that what they are doing appears more humane than you once thought. To top it off, there is a sense of complete and utter respect shown for the bull in its own right, which is personified throughout the ring and the surrounding crowd. Ironically, I have never seen the wellbeing of an animal taken so seriously by so many thousands of people. However you feel about it, bullfighting is seen as a demonstration of style, technique and courage by its participants and fans, or one of cruelty and cowardice by its critics. Some call it a fine art, others a blood sport. I don’t think of it as either, but would recommend you see it for yourself before judging.

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Your USO Ben March chats to your Union and Societies Officer George Griggs on her aims for this year.

Are you enjoying the role so far, and is being USO different to how you thought it would be? Yes it’s really rewarding. I’m especially enjoying sorting out issues for people in college, even if takes a lot of time. When I come back to people with good news that is a great feeling, although unfortunately it isn’t always good news… Is that one of the cons of the job? Yes it is, giving people bad news doesn’t feel very nice. I try my best to make a positive difference but sometimes people’s requests just aren’t possible. How was Freshers’ Week, experienced from your perspective? I really enjoyed it, although it was quite different being sober throughout! I still managed to get up to a few escapades though. One thing about Freshers’ that wasn’t so great, it made me feel really old… What is your vision for this year? As regards to the DSU, bringing a lot of what they do to college so people don’t have to go to the union. For example, there are ‘zone meetings’ which are like discussion groups which are on topical university wide issues, such as ‘lad culture’. I want to hold focus groups in Castle to gauge college opinion and then our Junior DSU reps can take those views to the zone meetings. I’m also purchasing training equipment for the college that all sports teams can make use of. So far I’ve got ten skipping ropes, 2 floor ladders and 6 mini hurdles, but more is on the way. Come ask if you want to use them, at the moment it’s all in my room! I’d like to see lots of teams applying to UCSSFC for as much as they can - especially training equipment and professional coaching. The bigger and more ambitious the applications, the better. 38


What makes college sport so valuable? It enhances our sense of community. Castle-Hatfield day is such a special event that bonds the entire college together. When we all turn out to support big sports matches it creates a special atmosphere. Something I’d like to see happen is turnouts to increase for the girls sports such as Hockey and Netball. What are your favourite perks? Having emails from important people in the University, that’s always nice. Having the Master say hello to you too! Any advice for people interested in succeeding you in the role? People really need to appreciate the amount of work involved and the sacrifices they will have to make in order to do it effectively whilst still concentrating on their academic studies. It is a huge commitment, you have to really want to do the job and to do it well because it will take up a lot of your time. Be sure to look into all three facets of the role, and try to get involved in college as much as possible because the experience you will acquire will be invaluable if you end up in the role, particularly being a sports team captain. Why George and not Georgie? Always George, never Georgie, ever since I went through a Tom Boy stage… I decided that George was more appropriate and it’s been the same ever since! Also my best friend’s name is Georgie so it helps to differentiate between the two.

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Mundie Moments Kirsten Ash chats to the Mundie boys about their favourite experiences, performances and who to watch out for this year. The first Mundie of the year down, and hopefully many more to go for years to come. Mundie has become such an important part of Castle life, both bringing Livers-Out back into college and introducing Freshers to the traditions and talent we have here. We have interviewed some Mundie veterans about their opinions.

Henry Flint So what's your verdict on the first Mundie of the year? It hopefully set the tone for the rest of the year (pun intended). Jack and I were psyched how many freshers got involved, and were so vocal about wanting to play. Also, a big thanks to the fresh that helped set up at the start - it made what is usually a 2 hour job about 30 mins. Any fresh talent we should watch out for? One of the most successful acts of the night had to be Jay (rapper guy - postgrad from Hatfield) - he pretty much blew people away with his barz. There was also an unforgettable appearance from 1st Year Matt Kemp, fusing a banjo and an enthusiastic audience. Once again crowd favourite Kit Gallagher raised eyebrows with his always entertaining vocals to 'Killing In The Name Of' - especially with his impeccable balance on a bar table. What does Mundie mean to you? Mundie is something I always look forward to - and I hope it's something the rest of the college do too. The fact that people from other colleges come to specifically play at Mundie is a testament to Jack O'Dea's continued hard work in making it one of the most popular events in castle. For the future - keeping it going, getting more freshers involved (despite the tremendous effort displayed this week), and keep enjoying ourselves! 40


Kit Gallagher What are your most memorable Mundie moments? I've seen some classic stuff, including Dom Daly do a full band performance of 'Bat Out of Hell', and various Christmas specials with Slade and The Darkness covers. The best Mundie has to be Simon Josling's final one though. It was his birthday and Mundie was basically his thing, he pretty much ran it singlehandedly for 3 years. He did a yard before going on, shirt off and everything, and performed one of the best "Hey, Jude"s ever to what seemed like the entire college packed into the undie. At the end they replaced the words 'Hey, Jude' with 'Josling' and he was carried out of the undie crying. Phenomenal. How about your personal Mundie experiences? Various renditions of "Killing In the Name" never go down as enthusiastically as expected. We would like people to get in more practice, a Facebook message goes round a few days beforehand and we choose some of the easiest ones to perform, hope we don't get lost on the night and invariably do.

Jack O’Dea First Mundie, any thoughts? It was really well attended, and had some great performances by Matt Kemp on the banjo who really got the crowd going with 'She'll be coming round the mountain'. There was a strong performance from Tom Hill and Oscar Koronka and the audience was really wowed by the rapper postgrad from Philadelphia. Was good to see returning organiser Simon Josling there too. Has Mundie changed at all over your time here? It hasn't really needed to, the format has been simple and effective, with a big bad set towards the end. Kevin Kendaru did a great job last year of revitalising the posters. And this year I'd like the continue the themed events like Hallowe'en and Christmas specials, and I want as many people as possible to continue playing. Even if it's your first time, get up and play, it's the perfect platform!

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Theatre News Poetry Nights

Panto

Castle Theatre Company are presenting a series of poetry evenings in the Castle. These evenings will take place in the candle-lit Norman Chapel, and will feature some of the greatest poetry ever written, read by students and staff. If you are interested in reading your favourite poems (or some of your own) in this unique setting please get in contact with castletheatrecompany@gmail.com 8pm, Norman Chapel, Wed. 6th Nov

Under two months to go! "Oh no there isn't!". No, seriously, there is. Should probably get a move on. Joel and I have cast it, sorted out team leaders and done a bad job of keeping the most exciting things a secret. Giant beanstalk anyone? The talent in both the first and second years is outstanding and we are so excited to show you what they can do. A Castleified version of 'Jack and the Beanstalk' will open on 29th November, including a College Condom played by the HUGE-ly fantastic Jessica Christy, the HIGH-ly entertaining talent of Nick McQueen as Jack and the ENORMOUS-ly powerful voice that is Madeleine Krieger as Jill. A must see this term, or get involved if you want to be part of something MASSIVE that is the Castle Pantomime! Plenty of questionable puns and slapstick comedy guaranteed. Stundie (Stand up Sunday in the Undie) ‘Stand up comedy is coming to Castle! From 8pm on the 3rd of November head on down to the Undie for a night of exciting, brand new student stand up in a chilled and relaxed atmosphere. If you are interested in performing, please contact david.knowles@durham.ac.uk. Sets should be around 5-10 minutes in length, and no prior experience is necessary. Orphans The first CTC production of the year is ‘Orphans’ by Dennis Kelly. This darkly beautiful play is being performed in The Assembly Rooms from the 31st October to the 2nd November at 7:30pm, with a matinee at 2:30pm on Saturday 2nd. 42


It’s Ok... … to get a Paddy’s AND a Subway on the way back from Klute. … to complain about the shower pressure in your ensuite. … to skip a meal because you just can’t face the walk up from Moatside. … to go to Minstrels’ for a chat, even though you have imminent deadlines looming. … to miss your pets more than your family. … to consume 3 different types of potato over the course of one day. … to decorate your room with tapestries rather than posters. … to double dinner (early dinner followed by formal— mistakenly or not, we’ve all done it) … to believe that toasties contribute to a healthy diet. … to use the Klute celling (or floor) for stability. … to attend the Moatside Gym Induction, then never set foot in there again. … to spend more time in Flat White than you have in contact hours. 43


What To Watch Kirsten ash breaks down the best shows, series’ and collections available to watch online.

The Great British Bake Off bbc iplayer So this one is a personal favourite. As a keen baker who can't actually be bothered to buy the requisite tools, i.e. baking tins, it satisfies my craving for cake perfectly. And it doesn't make me fat! What more could you want? Apart from actual cake. Delivered. To your bedroom. Anyway, along with the hour-long mouth-watering displays of baking talent, the people themselves are such characters; their individual quirks are enough of an excuse to begin a great drinking game. Ruby Tandoh looking dissatisfied with life in general. Shot. The phrase "Style of substance" in reference to Francis' fantastically imaginative creations. 2 fingers. Fantastic pre-drinking material with a few hilarious baking innuendos that really whet the appetite.

Have I Got News For You bbc iplayer When you go to uni, you probably won't have a clue what's going on outside the Durham bubble. The only 'news' here is who's slept with who and what happened at Klute last night. If you would like to be kept up to date with everything that's going on, Have I Got News For You is the ideal way of doing so without actually having to watch the news. With the comedy gold of Paul Merton and Ian Hislop's deeply satirical, yet knowledgable, opinions on current affairs, news becomes less of a chore and something enjoyable. To top it all off, it makes you feel more sophisticated because it's a programme your parents watch too. Although in hindsight that's maybe not an upside. 44


Sex Box 4od What it says on the tin. I haven't actually watched it myself but it's at the top of my list, sounds fantastic‌ or horrific‌ I'll let you know on the Floreat Twitter page what the verdict is. The explanation on the website is "couples candidly discuss their sex lives". Journalist Mariella Frostrup interviews people on what sex means to them in the 'Campaign for Real Sex' season. Not making this up. Also, did I mention there's a box in the studio where couples go and have sex to discuss it with 'sex experts' afterwards? If this sounds like your thing the website also has some interesting titles including 'Virgin School' and 'Sex Toy Stories', but these don't sound like they are for the easily impressionable. Watch at your own risk.

Educating Yorkshire 4od Might need a translator for this one. Feeling nostalgic for high school and the social and educational problems they entailed? Me neither, but that's not really why you would watch it. It's highly entertaining and really quite addictive. Not a lot of educating actually goes on in the programme, it's more a head teacher banging his head against a brick wall attempting to discipline the students. Admittedly he does a very good job, and has the patience of a saint, but the title of the programme is somewhat deceiving. A must watch for anthropologists, it not only addresses the school life itself but the cultural changes the school has undergone in recent years as the ethnic diversity has significantly increased.

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The Big Quiz The Exec: 2 Truths, 1 lie Figure out which of the three statements is false (answers will be revealed on the website within the next few days) While the exec are all incredibly approachable and friendly, some of you think you can only talk to them when you have a reason. In this article, you will find the perfect conversation starters to help you introduce yourself, and get to know your exec a little better. Three facts will be put forward, two are true, and it is up to you to work out which one is a lie. Enjoy. Simon Gallow – Senior Man 1) My surname was changed from Gallowicz to escape Nazi persecution. 2) I once milked a camel. 3) When I was 18 months I crawled along a ledge outside of a 30-storey hotel balcony. I eventually returned towards my frantic parents, my Mum grabbed me and left a scar on my forearm that remains today. Ed Gibbs – Vice Senior Man 1) I used to be a grave digger. 2) When I was 3 my Godmother bought me black leotard because she thought me doing ballet in my sister's pink tutu was too effeminate. 3) I once played the Bassoon, as part of an orchestra, to a packed Liverpool Philharmonic Hall. Joe Stone – Welfare Officer 1) I broke my eye socket falling on a walking stick. 2) I have a third nipple. 3) I was born with a tooth on the roof of my mouth. Robyn Sayers – Campaigns Officer 1) I worked in the same office building as the former French President Nicolas Sarkozy on my year abroad. 2) I used to have epilepsy. 3) My mum is a Bee Gees fanatic so she decided to name me after her favourite member, Robin Gibb.

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Christabel Wickert – Services Manager 1) As a child, I aspired to be a Hungarian Tumbler. 2) I once punched a bouncer in the face after being kicked out of a nightclub. 3) I played wicket keeper in a cricket match at Lords. George Griggs – Union and Societies Officer 1) I am a fully qualified doorman. 2) I have never hooked up with anyone younger than me. 3) I once got an olive stuck up my nose. Daisy Cummins – Sponsorship and Liaison Officer 1) I used to be gap toothed. 2) I was scouted as a child for an advert in Mercedes Benz. 3) I cried when Frank Lampard put his arm around me at a school sports event. Rebecca Falk – Treasurer 1) I was navy blue when I was born. 2) I have scars on my legs from a baboon attack. 3) I was in a newspaper for winning a highland games sack race. Sam Packham – Bar Chair 1) I was offered the job as mascot of Derby County FC, but turned it down to come to university. 2) As a baby I starred in an advert for Johnson's baby oil. 3) When I was younger I fell into a bush and a thorn went through my eyelid, scratching my eye. Matt Henderson – Vice Bar Chair 1) I once broke my arm in a cinema. 2) I was mistakenly arrested in Prague over the summer. 3) I applied to Durham at 11pm at night on the last day of applications, one hour before they closed. Henrietta Nierkirk – Social Chairman 1) When I was little I broke every single one of my ribs falling out of a tree in Kew Gardens. 2) I have moved house 17 times. 3) I was once given a piggy back by the King of Spain.

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Sympathetic Student Solutions Nyall Sharp and Mike “SWAJ” Yorke are here to give advice on the typical problems faced by a Castleman.

Both myself and Mike “SWAJ” Yorke have been asked to provide answers to a range of questions and issues that the Freshers may be facing in their first few weeks. Below is just a small selection of the vast amount of queries we have had.

Dear SWAJ and Nyall, I have found that my constant partying lifestyle has led me to feel very hungover in the morning, and attending my lectures is a challenge. What should I do? SWAJ: You should drink lots of water, and even consider not going out. If this doesn’t work, I highly recommend spending most of your day in the library to rectify the situation. Nyall: Strong.

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Dear SWAJ and Nyall, I have found that the charm of a Castleman has led to me walking back from the Viaduct in my clothing from the night before. Have you any advice in how to avoid this potentially awkward situation – colloquially known as the Walk of Shame? SWAJ: Look for love first, then you will not feel guilty and instead it will become a Stride of Pride. Nyall: Find someone in Castle #NG

Dear SWAJ & Nyall, I have recently folded to temptation and got a bit too close with my College Mother and have acquainted myself with her too well. I am worried about the offspring’s webbed feet. Is this likely? SWAJ: No. The college parent relationship is purely ceremonial. Nyall: Not sure, but chat if it happens.

Dear SWAJ and Nyall, What is this Tinder app that every female has on their swanky smartphones? SWAJ: It’s an app that seeks to pair compatible people in order for them to potentially find love. However, I do not endorse this. You may be surprised that you don’t have to extend your search radius to 50 miles, but rather love may be much closer to you than you think. Nyall: One stop train to the friendzone

Coming up next time: “Why do people call me SWAJ all the time?”; “The Bar

Chair doesn’t drink, does that mean I shouldn’t either?” and “Who is that idiot at the bar who keeps saying ‘make it rain’ when he only has £5..?”

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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN Welcome to Gossip Girl.

OF

CASTLE,

For those of you who don't know me, I am about to become your number one source for all the illicit chat that has been whispered around the walls of the Great Hall and beyond since the beginning of term. With the undercover help of my covert scandal investigators from Gossip HQ, I have been secretly gathering the finest gossip to share with you all in this issue of Floreat Castellum. I'd like to say a particular thanks to those gossipees who put their lives on the line by agreeing to be included. A special mention also goes out to two particular Castlemen whose fascinating appreHendsions have made my Double page spread feel like the narroWest margin – I knew you wouldn’t let me down. Follow the clues to uncover the answers and divulge the unseen truths of your fellow Castlemen by completing the crossword on the back page. The first person to submit all correct answers to Castle Goss in a Facebook message will receive a very special prize. I hope you enjoy the furtive frivolities enclosed in this crossword. You know you love me... XOXO


Across 1. We all know foreplay is a consonant struggle for some; however this fresher came up with a novel method of nailing that triple-word score. Apparently it proved to be just the raising agent he kneaded. (6,5) 3. Who threw all the Pietrovas? (or is it all pork pies? How unempatHettic) (6,7) 4. A spot of bitchy behaviour in the Viaduct. Apparently someone's been Riley-ing up her terrified house mates, to be Frank. (7,7) 9. The departure of one, and the arrival of another, it seems this family member is truly embracing her legacy. Seen Brown-nosing several finalists, I bet she won't be the sloWest fresher to receive her signature move... (5,8) 10. The White House took 300 gallons of paint to cover its Eksterior. Sounds like one resident Stu-dent saved some of the white stuff for this First Lady‌ (5,6) Down 2. Ladies of Castle; don't be a Dun-ce. Straddling your housemate's expectant man-candy in bed is not recommended. HiWhattt? (5,4,7) 5. A hike up the Bailey was closer to home than this gentleman ever imagined... Closer than Trevs anyway. (5,5) 6. She don't feel like Danskin. Oh no wait, she does. (6,6) 7. We all know Castle drinking traditions are brutal, but this young fresher bit back five times as hard. Jesus‌ (3,9) 8. Fresher ladies. Have you taken any unexpected turns up the Hill yet? You never know, it might just tickle your fancy... (3,4)


Free Entry to Klute before 11pm

2nd year Wisdom I heard that if you jump from the Cathedral tower, you won’t pass your degree. Gi-gi Simmons

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The Welcome Home Issue