25 Lowe Life: Things We All Do in the Library
18 Sympathetic Student Solutions
26 Castle Power Couples
42 Gossip Girl
29 Beware: Sharks in the Water
The Ski Trip Report
9 The Tough Guy Report 32 Big Family | Small Family 38 Chicken Soup for the Drunk Soul
3 Harriet Walsh responds to The ‘F’ Word (Christmas Issue) 16 Jane Markey on Valentine’s Day 30 Jared Bambridge on slipping standards in the Great Hall
T L OU L U P REE
14 In Conversation with @realseniorman
36 An Intervention with The Bailey Court Bagpiper
NEWS & VIEWS Lumley Hero Loses Title as the First Vet to Complete in ‘Sub-One’ Time In all but the most exceptional cases (Blackwell), any individual in the JCR cannot have first hand knowledge of anything that happened here more than 3/4 years ago. Beyond this boundary, we reach into the realm of uncertain myth and legend. To demonstrate this, Floreat investigators have recently uncovered evidence from the 2008 and 2010 issues of Castellum that Sam Anderson and Tom Kearn’s legendary sub-hour runs were not the first. A certain John Franklin holds the title of the first vet to complete a ‘sub-one’ with a time of 59 minutes in 2007. Fortunately, Sam’s 57.56 and Tom’s 58.40 still secure their titles as the fastest vets ever.
Castellum, 2010 Joel Holford
Throwback Saturday: Moatside S212 In 1977, when Moatside Court was first opened, quite a laugh was made of the tiny size of the rooms. Floreat has discovered that in order to test how many people could fit in one room, the entire college tried to pile into room S212. Over 120 people were sardined, half of them riding on the shoulders of the other half, before a girl fainted and the operation had to be called off. Henceforth, the College ruled that no more than eight people would be allowed in a Moatside room at one time. The writer would like to note that this is not an invitation. Kenneth Chan 2
Ex-Floreat Editor Gets Behind a Motion for Gender Equality in a Neglected Area Spear-headed by the Hares Campaign, Lord Lucas's Equality (Titles) Bill currently going through the House of Lords will make provision for the succession of female heirs to hereditary titles. The title of Baronet was included in an amendment to the bill by the father of our own Olivia Stuart Taylor, Sir Nicholas Stuart Taylor Bt. Olivia Stuart Taylor graduated from Castle in 2012 with a BSc in Geography before obtaining a Masters in Broadcast Journalism from City University, London, and is now an Account Executive at the Abchurch Group. As it stands, her father's Baronetcy will vanish because she and her sister Virginia, the only heirs, are female. The Telegraph reports that according to Virginia Stuart Taylor, her mother cried when she learned her baby was a girl, illustrating the pressure to give birth to a male heir. Lord Lucas's bill has become known as the Downton Bill for obvious reasons. In fact, in a case of life imitating fiction, the real Earl of Downton Abbey (Carnarvon) fears Highclare Castle and its estate â€“ the setting for ITV's Downton Abbey â€“ will be lost. Kenneth Chan
Castle Graduate Stars in King Lear at the National Sam Mendes' rendition of King Lear showing at the National's Olivier Theatre features Castle's own budding star Cassie Bradley as Nurse, alongside Simon Russell Beale and Adrian Scarborough. Cassie graduated from Castle in 2010, then did a three-year acting course at The Oxford School of Drama. While at Durham, Cassie was highly involved in DST and Castle Theatre Company, but perhaps more importantly played Peter Pan in the Castle Pantomime. Kenneth Chan 3
Comments on an article in the last issue ‘The F Word’: A Response The illustrious reputation of the ‘fittest fresher’ St. John Featherby often precedes him, and one of the reasons for this is quite simply that he doesn’t have Facebook, which apparently is a social anomaly.
there aren’t even major social pressures, just the mutual appreciation that it is a good, but not exclusive, method of communication.
We cannot forget the final line of St. John’s article: “use your mobile to communicate.” Well, this is an interesting suggestion, which seems to undermine everything which was argued before. If Facebook, a nonIn Floreat’s physical entity, is now “a Michaelmas Issue, material obsession”, and this he discussed his “This is coming from is what makes it so bad, then opposition to Facebook in quite the current owner of what is a mobile phone? some detail, but an iPhone, perhaps the There seems to be the suggestion of replacing one various people had embodiment of a material obsession with issues with his article, and I decided material obsession, another. to voice mine. consumerism, and false This is also coming from the Firstly, not having needs. “ current owner of an iPhone, Facebook is not a perhaps the embodiment of a bad thing. Yes, material obsession, things can consumerism, and false needs. But, as an sometimes be easier if you do have Facebook, but I am sure I would be able iPhone owner myself, I do not and to know if socials and events were on if I cannot condemn anyone who utilises didn’t have it; everything and anything something which can improve their quality of life, simply upon the basis that comes through on an e-mail, which we it is an object of consumerism. all know too well. Regardless of political bias, we do live in a consumerist society, which will not be No Facebook doesn’t mean no human communication; my friends can mention overthrown through the abandonment of Facebook; the very roots of our society events which I didn’t know were lie in capitalism. happening, regardless of me having Facebook (shock horror, so mainstream). The point is, if Facebook is abandoned I’m not hindered because I didn’t see it for this reason, then something else will on Facebook first, or at all. But, a almost certainly take its place (does freedom of choice, to have Facebook or not, remains; nobody is forced to have it, anybody remember Bebo?) 4
NEWS & VIEWS I am not trying to argue that we as a generation, or even we as a society, are not reliant on Facebook. But we aren’t complete idiots. We realise what we are doing, and we see that the pros outweigh the cons, and we know that we don’t really need Facebook.
Turkish rebellion on Facebook and other social media sites before the news mentioned it, simply because of people being able to use the platform to spread information with no political censorship. So, even if something is a material obsession, but we recognise it as so, and it doesn’t cause any more harm than good, then is it really so bad?
There is so much good which can be shared on Facebook: social justice movements and news that may not have escaped otherwise. I saw footage of the Harriet Walsh
Celebrity Guest at Castle: Noam Chomsky Set to Deliver Lecture An addition to the already all-star itinerary of guest speakers is none other but Noam Chomsky, who will be coming on May 22nd to give a Durham Castle Lecture. A father of modern linguistics and cognitive science, multiple-arrestee for antiVietnam War activism, supporter of Occupy, most cited living (and 8th most overall) scholar between 1980-92, a leading critic of US foreign policy and the mainstream media, anarcho-syndicalist, libertarian socialist, Professor Chomsky was voted the "world's top public intellectual" in 2005. As Master David Held has said in the Crier, "This will obviously be a huge occasion." When asked about the likely massive queues, he revealed concerns about the health and safety issues of fitting everyone in the Great Hall. "There are two possibilities," he said. "If the weather's good, we could put a screen in the courtyard, and have drinks at the bar. … If the weather's not good, we could put an extension to the lecture theatre on the other side of Palace Green, which seats another 200." All in all, it is hoped four to five hundred people can be accommodated. "We're hoping to make it a kind of celebration," said Master Held. "We have, between us, a confluence of interests." Kenneth Chan 5
Ellis Bland rounds up this yearâ€™s Palatinalps, which saw Castlemen take to the Tignes slops There is just something about it that makes it all seem worth it, the miserable coach journey, the agonising ski boots, and the 8 euro pints, why do we do it to ourselves? I think the answer is simple, that first chairlift up on a beautiful bluebird morning takes all troubles away. Suddenly the coach journey seemed to fly by, your ski boots feel like slippers and the reward of that pricey beer feels reasonable. You arrive at the top of the chair, raise the sissy bar and roll out onto the sound of creaking from the freshly packed piste, this is why we do it, and the mountains never disappoint.
This year saw Durham University take the alpine town of Tinges by storm, Castle as always contributing major numbers. The week couldn’t have got off to a better start when everyone was treated to a clear, crisp first day skiing, a guaranteed hangover cure for those who powered through and hit the bars after the seemingly endless coach journey. For the ski trip virgins it was straight into lessons where they were under the watchful eyes of the trusty ESF instructors. For the more experienced skiers however, faultless skiing resumed as normal, with some stand out displays from Ed Ruthven (who if you didn’t know actually did a ski season) and Nico Worral, whose legs were so close he made a nun look slutty. But for those observant skiers, the bare steeps and icy slopes needed some more snow, Wellsy called a rep meeting, began the snowflake dance, and in return the snow gods granted 30cm of fresh POW to the Alps. Blurry eyed from the opening night party, which saw the return of Castle corner, students woke to trashed apartments, noise complaints and unwashed dishes, a true sign of a good night. But for one room of fresher boys, it wasn’t a tiger in their bathroom they woke to, but a tigress from Le Lac. With no idea who she was or where she came from, they quickly sent her on her way, and who says the age of Gentlemen has died. 7
With ski techniques quickly picked back up, confidence was running high, and it was with this confidence that bought out a rainbow of retro ski wear. I myself am partial to a cheeky one-piece, but others could be seen on the likes of Peter Kirby in a purple number and Jane Markey who was looking pretty in pink. There was no escape from the one-piece, they were everywhere, and nowhere could more be seen than at the fabulous Folie Douce. With the Vin Chaud flowing and the chanting of “EH EH EH EH EH”, it certainly was a wonderful way to wind down after a long day. But no matter the fun, thankfully everyone always remembered to get the last chairlift back…well almost everyone. Both the funicular and pool party were a great success however all excitement and anticipation was surrounding the famous final night party. The venue was set, the bars were stocked and the DJs were ready, it was time for the students to descend. Hazy memories from myself and others limit details of the night, however despite a brief power cut everyone speaks of having an amazing night. Another ski trip over, was it worth it? You bet it was.
Photo courtesy of Sarah 8
FEATURE THE REPORT
Seven of this year’s Tough Guys tell us about their experience and Liberty Brown provides some tips for anyone interested in competing next year
Pete Kirby The best part is being presented a hip flask by my running partner half way round. The worst part is the heart burn moments later. The best thing I saw was a man crossing the finish line in authentic WW1 dress. The worst thing I saw was a bus driver announce that we had to sit in the coach for two and a half hours due to his driving restrictions.
Sarah Mack The best part is still getting attention from men around the course because you are a ‘female’ despite the fact you are horrendously covered in mud. This also leads on to being able to sneak around/avoid queues and as men say “it’s okay, you're a woman.” The worst part is the potential to get a twig stuck under the arch of your foot in the first water bath you enter (14km from the finish). The best thing to see as you go around the course is the supporters. Their help is what gets you through. The worst thing to see is the figure of eight course, knowing you aren’t tall enough to reach the other side so you have to jump in the water 10x. 9
Josh Thomas The best part was getting given the medal at the end. Cliché, I know, but it was nice to know it was finally all over. The worst part was being told to ‘hold on a sec’, whilst stood at then end of a plank before a 6/8ft drop, because the guy before me was taking ages to get out of the way! The best thing to hear was the commentator at the finish line shouting ‘Who are the top 100 tough guys going to be?’ This, unsurprisingly, gave me a burst of energy at the end. The worst thing to see was the spooked horse at the start. It was in the middle of a crowd at the top of a hill.
Julia Stichbury The best part is you get shoved up the mud slides in the water slalom section, all the guys help and pushing you up which is great. The worst part is having to duck your head under water and feeling like you can’t breathe because you are so cold you’re delirious! The best thing to see is men in full minion outfits finishing. The worst thing to see is a man screaming with the ambulance guys because of cramp in his leg. 10
Ellis Bland The best part is without doubt the revival it gives you in society. When you're struggling and really beginning to hit the wall, it is so comforting and revitalising when you see a stranger stretch out their hand to help you complete it. The worst part is when at the end you're given a cup of hot chocolate. You're shaking so much from the cold that instead of warming your insides, you scald your hand. SAY NO TO HOT CHOCOLATE! The best thing you'll see is, without any hesitation, Mr Mouse's moustache. They say there are 7 wonders of the world, this Mo really should be number 8. The worst thing you'll see are those electric tentacles. They seem to come out of nowhere, and even after 3 years of running in the event, they're never ever expected.
Mike Bedigan My first thought as I plunged mindlessly into the icy water after my friends was "Perhaps I'm a bit out of my depth here." My second thought was "What an amusing pun, I must remember that for the Floreat Article." But such thoughts would have to wait, for as the steward waiting on the bank kindly reminded us, we were only one obstacle down. There was still plenty more to go. Many reactions to my saying that I would be doing Tough Guy 2014 were a mixture of disbelief, disingenuous encouragement, and slight pity. I will admit that being of such physique and stature, I had my own personal reservations; yet I was determined to prove that Tough Guys come in all shapes and sizes. Having done a fair amount of running up and down Durham in the weeks leading up to the event, I had hoped that the first 6 mile run would not be too taxing and if anything serve as a bit of a warm up. Wrong. In the wake of the thousand or so people who had managed to jostle their way ahead of me, I found the concept of traction had completely evaporated and that it was even more difficult for me to take the three steps needed to match each one of Tom Hill's lengthy strides. After about an hour of pumping my little legs up and down hill after hill, by the stream and o'er the mead, we came to the first official water obstacle. This was the moment at which, as I have previously described, I called in to question my motives for taking on this ridiculous challenge. It was now that my height truly became a disadvantage as, although the water levels lapped at the chests of my fellow competitors, my shoulders, knees and toes were all fully submerged, so that I was forced into a tentative doggy paddle at certain points. 12
One of the most collectively feared aspects of the course is the sadistically named Torture Chamber. However, when it comes to crawling through enclosed spaces, under batons and electrical cables, it seems as though the little guy has the last laugh. For me I found that there was an abundance of space in the underground tunnels and that crawling through them was not particularly difficult. I'm not sure I can say the same for the likes of Matt Kemp… Finally, after a gruelling three hours, twelve minutes and twenty-five seconds, I blundered euphorically over the finish line, straight into the arms of the welcoming support team, to whom I cannot express enough gratitude. It had been a day full of mud, water, muddy water, cold and more mud. What nonsense, but then such is the nature of Tough Guy, with obstacles designed to test everyone and anyone to their mental limit. I highly recommend it to all. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So, if having read all that you think you could be a Tough Guy, then follow Liberty Brown’s tips on how to survive: This year’s Tough Guy involved running 10k in thick, cold mud before tackling an obstacle course which featured a ‘torture chamber’ filled with electric tentacles, it’s definitely not one for the faint-hearted. Whilst you might not be able to prepare yourself for the mental aspect of Tough Guy you can certainly prepare physically. This year Castle Tough Guy training involved regular long distance running across particularly hilly terrains to keep general fitness up. To prepare yourself for the cold factor that Tough Guy is renowned for, you could try running in less clothes than you normally would, those training this year decided to brave the river! During the event it is also advised that you try not to over-exert yourself at the beginning as this can mean your body loses the energy needed to keep you warm. The good news? It’s a great excuse to load up the carbs!
Alternatively, there’s always ‘Soft Guy’:
Joel Holford chats to the mysterious real senior man via direct message An important attribute of any Senior Man is to be able to present the opinions of the JCR to the rest of the university. We were fortunate enough to get an exclusive interview with the Real Senior Man off of Twitter, to ask the questions that are all on your mind. After much speculation, I should reiterate that the identity of RSM is uncertain, and no, it isnâ€™t me.
Joel: What do you think about Otto? RSM: I think that Otto is a thinly disguised attempt by college office to put across their propaganda. I can't believe no one has realised this. Joel: How do you balance all of your many commitments? RSM: Well I don't actually do that much, my butler does a lot for me and then Gibbs is always available too. Joel: What are your plans for Valentineâ€™s Day? RSM: Hiring out the senate suite for a candlelit dinner is sure going to be a highlight. Applications are now open online to decide my date. 14
Joel: If you were to pick anyone else in college to take on your position, who would it be and why? RSM: I would pick Dom Williams. He's used to a life of privilege, so he'd hit the ground running. Plus he's got great hair, like me. Joel: How has the addition of Fanta in the Undie changed your life? RSM: Fanta in the Undie is basically just a gimmick to make the college think the Bar Exec do things. They don't. (Except my ironing). Joel: Who is your favourite person in college office? RSM: Wendy's definitely the best CO member. I've gotten quite close to her as I frequently have to hire out rooms for private… erm… business. Joel: Would you rather get a 3rd in your degree, or a 1st but you have to do a yard every single day for a year? RSM: Obviously get a 1st. I'm so good at yards that the thought of one makes me lick my lips in anticipation. Bring it on. RSM: Any actual challenging questions? These cumbersome ones are tiring. Joel: Okay, who is your favourite member of the exec and why? RSM: Joe, he's so submissive. He does whatever I ask without any backchat. I don't like backchat. Joel: Who is your least favourite exec member and why? RSM: I don't really like Becky, her incessant partying puts my 'number 1 castle socialite' status at risk. Joel: What is the most embarrassing thing you have done since becoming the senior man? RSM: Most embarrassing? Well that would be the time that Matt walked in on me and Gibbs. It was incriminating to say the least. Joel: Thank you RSM. As always, it’s been enlightening. For more like this, follow @realseniorman 15
In response to the statement ‘Valentine’s Day makes me want to get drunk and buy sixteen cats’, Jane Markey argues for the opposition
DEBATE For some girls (and boys), Valentine’s Day acts as a sign of their eternal singledom and misery, prompting them to take drastic - and often bizarre action. Thankfully, I am not one of those people. Despite being described as ‘the Bridget Jones of Palatinalps’, I was not to be discouraged from my practical, stylish and very, very, pink all-in-one. This may be somehow linked to the fact that I’d prefer a cat Bridget to a dog any day (sorry, Lady*) and getting drunk doesn’t sound so unappealing either.
Basically, Valentine’s day will be like any other day for me (because I will be single) and I will love it - and that’s not just down to the fact that I have jinxed two-thirds of my housemates and they are single now too. I’m going to wish a ‘Happy Valentine’s Day!!!!!!’ to those of you in relationships to prove that I’m not bitter and also leave you with a bit of sage advice from Tina Turner;
‘What’s love got to do, got to do with it?… Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all.’ (On a completely unrelated note, as I haven’t yet managed to find my future husband and join 90% of Durham grads, I will be taking a year abroad in France next year. I would also like to cultivate many more relationships with freshers that will hopefully blossom when I return.) Jane Markey-Jones #feminist *For anyone interested in Lady’s antics, follow her on Twitter @ladydadalmation. 17
SYMPATHIC STUDENT SOLUTIONS
J LONELY HEARTS SPECIAL
Nyall Sharp and Mike ‘SWAJ’ Yorke are here to give advice for all the un-requited lovers this Valentine’s weekend
To those reading this on the 15th February, you will be very tired. You have either a) spent all night eating ice cream or b) spent all night up with your Casanova/ squeeze-piece. This edition is the Lonely Hearts edition. If you are like me (SWAJ), you will have no room in your heart for anything apart from profuse love for your spouse. If you are like Nyall, you will have a copious amount of room in your heart, currently being used only to pump blood around. If you are in the latter category, this may be your guide for next year.
Dear Nyall and SWAJ, I’m in love with a girl who has a long-term boyfriend. I think she needs a new man and I want to be her knight in shining armour, what should I do?
SWAJ: Unfortunately, this sounds like my favourite fairy tale, Rapunzel. I often empathised with the protagonist in the story, and felt his pain for his lust to be with Rapunzel. Unfortunately, it isn’t always meant to be at first. However, hopefully you will have the brave heart that my esteemed knight possessed and persevere in your constant battle with love. I have certainly persevered, and the feeling is euphoric. It was worth the long wait - I saw many moons, many seasons and many battles. But at the end of it, I saw her shining smile. Nyall: Back yourself.
Dear Nyall and SWAJ, This Valentine’s Day will be my first for a couple of years in which I am single. I have had numerous offers from
male courtiers, and even the odd female in Lloyd’s. I find the choices available to me now overwhelming, How should I sort the Rugby men from the Football boys? Regards, 6.9/10 SWAJ: You shouldn’t need to sieve out the males like they are livestock at a farmer’s fair. You should relish your time as a singleton. Whilst I would never wish that upon myself, you should cherish your time, flourish in your free spirit and wait for the right guy/girl. Nyall: Males have been waiting a while. They have respected your status and now things have changed, you should make the most of the offerings at your feet. I liken it to eBay. There’s not a lot out there at times, but every now and then, something good worth bidding for comes up.
~~~ Dear Nyall and SWAJ, I find this guy really attractive, but I’ve heard he’s taken the initiative of Pee in a Pot to a whole new level. Should I look past this flaw? 8/10 SWAJ: For this, I have a special guest – UCRFC’s blonde babe, Barnaby Hodgkins Barnaby Hodgkins: Thanks Mike. If you’re an 8, then I assume you have a rocking body. Please, I ask, look over this minor point. If you’ve been overrated, then I don’t care about your opinion if I’m to be frank.
Dear Nyall and SWAJ, After a short but successful period with a willing girl whom I have been aware of for a long time, I am trying to come up with a suitable plan on how to step things up. My only worry is that she’ll say no if she isn’t absolutely battered when I ask her. What should I do? SWAJ: If she is only willing after the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol, maybe it is time for you to stand in front of your favourite mirror, look yourself in the eye and say ‘no’. There is nothing worse than forcing a relationship so it may be best to do the noble thing and accept that she isn’t the one for you. Fall on your sword, if you will. Being single is a phase we must all go through, much like the phases of the moon, but rest assured, good things come to those who wait. Nyall: Sounds Stevie. You have guaranteed a home run every time they go out. However, if you want more then you should probably sack it as you’ll only get disappointed in the long run, but there are many guys who would give up a sport like football to be in your position. ~~~ Coming up in the next edition: “Which UCRFC member left a DU Rugby player sitting on his ass?”, “Does the Vice Bar chair really watch Shakespeare now?”, “Who is Têtiana?”, and “I don’t want my hair loss to be as severe as a Castle DUAFC member, how do I stop this?”
Your Master’s Voice Hello everyone I’m your master, but you can call me ‘the Master’. I very much look forward to you getting to know me. Just in case you are not aware, I am Professor David Held and I wrote Gridlock, currently number 243,686 in the Amazon book listings, so, basically in the top ten. But I don’t want you all to think that I am some sort of incredibly intelligent, gifted, eloquent, witty, modest academic stuck up in a tall ivory tower! I am actually quite the regular chap as well; Rugby boys, how was the game this week? I’m sure we bowled them out, go get ‘em LADZ! Well, I think that’s enough from me for this week. One quick head’s up for next month: You may know that my good friend Noam Chomsky (I call him ‘Chompers’ for short and, hilariously, he calls me ‘Professor David Held’) is coming to the Castle to give a short address. I cannot emphasise enough how much of an opportunity this is to see Chompers in conversation with me. Until next week, don’t let your education get in the way of your drinking! Your Master, Professor ‘the Lad’ Held
SCR’s Corner What? Who are you? Where am I? Who? What? Where? Are you a woman? What are you doing here? I thought your sort were confined to the hill, the home and the hearth! I’m an expert in ancient Babylonian pottery! What? Hang on a second, let me put my hearing aid back in. Women! They will be the death of this college…learning and eating and living here just like…men….What? I can’t hear you! Women!
MCR’s Corner Moustaches are better than personalities.
The Chaplain’s Corner Hello all! In the life of all religions some traditions change radically from their original implementation, some drop out of the faith system all together and some remain unaltered from their very inception. What is more unusual is the reincorporation of ancient traditions into a modern service. The rediscovery and reuse of ancient traditions can invigorate us emotionally, spiritually and mentally and that is why instead of choral evensong this Thursday we will be reviving ancient Jewish religious practices and sacrificing twenty five bulls and seventy four turtle doves. Sunday 11am: Eucharist; the Chaplain will be preaching on ‘Would you be allowed to play FIFA in Hell?’ as part of our ongoing series, ‘Christianity for Grown-Up Children’. Tuesday 9pm: Candlelit compline in the Norman chapel on St Mumblinus’ day; patron saint of indistinct speech. Thursday 6pm: Animal sacrifice dedicated to the might of the storm god.
Notes from the Bursar
May I remind all students that the third-floor corridor is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death.
Advanced warning for residents in the Keep: Christmas is cancelled.
There will be early dinner on the 17th as a top secret guest (American Ambassador Matthew Barzun) will be returning to dine with senior academics and representatives of the University. Just so you know there will be snipers on the Castle roof. Yes, real life snipers.
Photo of the week
George’s Observations Helloooooo Castle! Otto has taken a break this week after being caught stealing the tips given to Castle tour guides to fund his tragic addiction to Doggie treats. So instead of that fluffy scoundrel you have ME! George! Who am I you may ask? I am Richard Lawrie’s (popularly known as ‘The Dick,’ ‘Dickster,’ or his much loved alter ego ‘Phil.Enishead’) goldfish! Yes, little old me. I am just a goldfish but I have an ‘eye in the bowl’ so to speak and a nose for the juiciest castle gossip, even though remembering my own name takes up half my memory at any one time. Since it looks like Otto will be going away for sometime you’ll have to get used to meee! I shall be your fashion guru, your spiritual guide, your teacher, but most importantly your friend. Ooops! Got to go now, Dickie has just come back from formal accompanied by a group of masked men! Funny, they are getting his name wrong all the time; keep on calling him Doctor Dick...
Lowe Life Things we all do in the library
… forget to plug in your headphones and thus, share your playlist with the rest of the room. … type violently. … take a nap on the upper floor window sill. … arrive, settle down and leave after five minutes when you realise dinner has started. … spend two-thirds of your time gossiping. … treat the library as your home because you didn’t get on the room ballot (Ed Ruthven). … count buzzfeed as proactive learning. … make a last chance Tesco run. … have a rummage in lost property for something nice. … ‘forget’ to check out any books. … stimulate learning with alcohol. … go to the library when you’re a fresher. 25
POWER COUPLES Definition (courtesy of Urban Dictionary): A couple who seem to have a fairy tale romance… they are as individually awesome and fun to be around as they are when they are together.
from left to right:
10. Natasha Yadav and James Rutherford James upon finding out about this list: ‘So we’re like Brangelina?’ 9. Pippa Cole and Rowan Williams He pipped everyone else to the post 26
8. Rachel Smith and Ruben Arnbert His friends have already asked if she’ll move to Sweden. 7. Rebecca Falk and Thomas Sinclair A love to treasure 6. Daisy Cummins and Jonathan Rex They’d look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two
from left to right: 5. Katie Ferson and Ed Gibbs The cutest couple in the world. Ever.
4. Sarah Mack and Will Smith The Fresh Prince and his princess 3. Fran Danczak featuring Cory Unal 27
2. Sam and Tash Whatâ€™s in a name? A winning combination.
1. Caroline St Quinton & Ellis Bland The King and The Queen of the Castle
LIST For those looking for love this Valentine’s weekend, make sure you watch out for Castle’s most notorious…
from left to right Matt Henderson Watch out if you’re a baby-faced brunette Will Zurawel With great power comes great sharking opportunity Mark Brownson Turns heads with his universal appeal Henry Flint If the shoe fits… Jared Bambridge Tends to provide bate
from left to right Frankie Beetham Pet friendly Anna Bailey “You know what they say, never shag your heroes” Hiwot Ameneshowa She What?! Sarah Westlake Continuing the legacy Enid Lau Something to shout about 29
Decorum In The Castle Jared Bambridge calls for us to take action against the slipping standards of Great Hall etiquette John ‘The Maid’ would be appalled if he half hour break for staring at a screen as were to see the degradation of common second term work piles up. courtesy our John ‘The Maid’ Atkin magnificent Great “ It doesn't make me MBE was the legend of Hall is currently angry, just disappointed. Castle who confiscated suffering! phones, removed hats Others expect nothing The (often not so and sent you away should stylish) fashion for you even try to wear but the best from pyjamas, vests and pyjamas: A gentleman Castlemen, we should who was awarded an ridiculous hats have crept their way into MBE for his services to expect the same of our dining hall, higher education. John ourselves. “ much to the concern The Maid set a of its more precedence for manners traditional members. in the Hall, one that has Oliver Brown, Nobody wants a vest unfortunately begun to ridden, sweaty, post slip and needs correcting Pretensions Officer football training before the Great Hall armpit leaning over the salad bar in decorum is lost all together. front of them…or to come to breakfast At the dinner table with family would and find the person across from you sat you wear a hat? Would you have your in pyjamas. laptop out doing work? I know that I Phones have become a staple on most certainly wouldn’t. Let’s keep phones in trays and for the extreme ‘working pockets, laptops in bags, vests in the lunch’ criminals, laptops have even gym, hats in screens passage and started sliding their way onto the table. pyjamas folded neatly on your Let’s put away the phones and laptops pillow…after all you are supposed to be and hold a decent conversation amongst Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle. friends; God forbid we can all do with a 30
Some of the offendersâ€Ś
Big Family | Small Family St John Featherby and Samuel Pemberton-Hill discuss the real and stereotyped life of members of big and small families St John Featherby: 1 of 10 siblings Every morning at 6:30am when my father blows his whistle, all ten of us march down to breakfast singing in unison. Of course, our hair must be combed, our finger nails immaculate, but as a model family of Roman Catholic virtue and Von Trappian grace and discipline these things are truly second nature. Honestly? No. But you’d be surprised what some people ask. Just look at the car we drive! Unfortunately Lamborghinis don’t come with 12 seats. Oh and yes, we’re Irish. Cheaper by the dozen? Possibly. Whether playing Forty-Forty in the garden or racing duvets down the stairs, as kids we were never short of company. There was always a best mate, and often a worst enemy, but never a lonely moment. In this sense our brood has always been something more than the traditional family unit. In many ways we’re just like any large group of friends. There will always be some you’re closest too, and some you hardly know at all. Being the two youngest in the group (♯9 and ♯10) my little brother and I are affectionately known at ‘the babies’. However, “Without a doubt,” my father tells me “you, St John, have been by far the hardest of my children to handle.” Unbelievable I know, but nevertheless true. And, although an awkward point, I believe it highlights how a healthy sense of competition within the group has helped spur us on in achieving success. Just as any healthy friendship should too. 32
The 12-seater Volkswagen minibus
I love talking about my family and relish any opportunity to answer questions. However, this being the case, people always ask the same ones. Girls, ‘Are you really all from the same parents? Your poor mother!’ and typical of any boys, ‘So what car do you drive?’ Fortunately (or indeed unfortunately for them) we are from the same parents – breeding jokes not appreciated - and we drive around in a 12seater Volkswagen minibus, locally know as ‘the Featherby-Mobil’. Congealed with Mars bars and dusted with the sand of National Trust beaches the ride is really not as exciting as it sounds. But all this has only been possible with the gentlest of mothers and most erudite of fathers. Of course I would make this claim, but truly, successfully raising five boys and fives girls is an achievement due some quite notable praise. I asked my father once how I might repay him for all they have done for me and he said “Just make sure you do the same for your children too.” So… any takers for ten?
On the flip side we have Samuel Pemberton-Hill: Only Child In my household, the 6am alarm clock sounding at my bedside may as well be the gunshot at the start of the Grand National. Anyone not lucky enough to be woken immediately by the obtrusive clangour has no chance of winning the bathroomrace against the other five siblings which means a desperate rush at the last minute before being ushered out to school. Lol, just kidding. What are siblings? Are they even a thing? No. I live the life of an only child, and whilst that means I don’t have to compete for use of the bathroom each morning, I do face an inordinate amount of other problems in my day to day life. From the moment I wake up (which is most likely when mummy knocks gently on my door around 7:30am), I must tackle a myriad of tough choices. One of the worst each day comes after my relaxed forty-five minute shower; which of my three bedrooms do I choose to dress in? My work-music-reading bedroom, my clothing-storage-and-occasionally-sleeping-in bedroom, or the one which I most frequently grace with my presence during twilight hours? To some it might seem obvious… get mummy to lay my clothes and shoes out in the reading-bedroom as it is closest to the bathroom, but it just isn’t always this straight forward. What happens when she is too busy preparing my breakfast, or when I become too bored of this room? That isn’t even the worst part; I would love to see other people try to decide which of their thirty-four silver spoons to eat breakfast with. Okay, okay, so parental-pampering may not sound all that bad… maybe it isn’t, but being an only child has some serious downsides too, especially when you’re living in the countryside and you nearest neighbour is about as close as JoButler is to Castle. Making friends and socialising with few people nearby can be tough, so sometimes this kind of lifestyle can be a little lonely, but on reflection, an only child like myself shouldn’t even want to socialise with all of those others. I’m clearly superior in every way, and wouldn’t possibly gain anything from mingling with non-only-children. I doubt they would do things my way (the right way) anyway. Gosh, such difficult individuals. 34
It can however be a terribly crushing experience, as an only child, when you know that you are disappointing your parents and not living up to their expectations. Despite the fact that I know I’m always right, I was so worried about crushing my mum’s finance-related career plans for me, that I initially lied about my university application, instead leading her to believe that I was going to be studying economics, not music… (Bad idea folks, don’t try this at home!). Friends told me not to be silly, that she wouldn’t be disappointed and only wants me to be happy, but what do they know? I mean, they also tell me I have only child syndrome… buffoons. Interesting fact: I once tricked a friend into believing I had brothers, and her response was utter shock. The only words she could muster: “I think you just broke a hundred and fifty years of child psychology research… I mean honestly, Freud would probably kill himself if he wasn’t already dead.” (Disclaimer – I’m not really a massive twat.)
AN INTERVENTION WITH THE BAILEY COURT BAGPIPER Joel Holford confronts this elusive gentlemen for the sake of bailey court residents and history students alike
The introduction of CCA sparked a huge increase in charitable participation by Castlemen. Floreat has wanted to join in with this altruism and so we will perform a deed that will improve the lives of literally dozens of Castlemen.
The story begins in 1000BC with the first records of a pipe that can be played with the mouth and the armpit. Since then, this niche instrument has been most commonly sighted being played by kilted Scots men at a wide range of important functions. Most recently, it has also been heard in Bailey Court, disrupting sleep cycles and impeding the History department’s teaching capabilities. Numerous reports reached the Floreat team about this elusive character. One grumpy third year asked us to get him to ‘Shut the fudge up.’ So I conducted an intervention. I then adapted it into the following: 36
Joel: Hello, thank you for coming, take a seat. Bailey Court Piper (BCP): What are you doing in my room? Joel: BCP, this is an intervention. So, why do you think I am here? BCP: Ha, no seriously, who are you and what are you doing in my room? Joel: I’m from Floreat. We are here to address an important issue. BCP: What, like my drinking? Shut up, I am a fresher, we all do that! Joel: No, in fact, I am going to have to ask you to shut up. We have been informed that you play an uncommon regional instrument. BCP: Well yes. That’s why I am known as the Bailey Court Piper. Joel: And that’s great. However, there is a consensus amongst your peers that your playing can at times be anti-social, sometimes as early as 9am or as late as 10pm. BCP: I guess I never thought of that as especially early or too late… Joel: Stop it. BCP: But I need to practise my instrument. Joel: Stop it. BCP: Eva said I should when I met her during Fresher’s Week. Joel: personwhoisgoingtostopitsayswhat. BCP: What? Joel: Thank you. Alternatively you can play in the completely soundproof practice room in D Block, which is available for the use of anyone in Castle. Floreat recommends that if you want to do anything that could disturb others, you go to this sound proof room. The key is available from the porter.
Chicken soup for the
FEATURE Mike Bedigan, Lauren McCollum, Joel Holford and Livia Carron take a late night tour of some of Durham’s most popular fast food joints MB: Having been on the McDonalds pay role for just about two years now, I would probably consider myself a bit of a connoisseur when it comes to fast food. Working in such an environment has certainly done wonders for my will power: I’m challenged daily because all McEmployees are offered a free Big Mac and chips for lunch. Yet even I find that, after a big night out, the lure of a high-cholesterol, late night snack becomes almost too much to bear. Thus I find myself frequently plagued by the ultra first-world problem of deciding which 'genre' of food to indulge in. What greasy delight am I to wake up to the next morning, head swimming with feelings of guilt and regret (sort of like a one night stand, not that I would know)? More importantly, which meal, on balance, provides more overall satisfaction to the consumer? I enlisted three other members of the Floreat team to take on this calorific challenge…and protect me from the lairy drunks.
Falafel Alhana Dish: Alhana Calzone (+gratuitous falafels). Value: £6.50. Blagged the 2-4-1 and received free falafels for being sterling. JH estimates the total weight to cost ratio to be £2.20 per kilo. Wait Time: 12 minutes 49. Rapid considering quantities and variation. Taste: Staggering: Points for garlic sauce both inside and outside. Salsa: moderate, But really aided the taste of the ‘Donor’ [LM (sic) #irishtroubles] meat that fills the inside of the calzone. Excellent ‘fresh feel’ salad, and crispy chips included. Ambience: No music, cold. Possibility of being lonely. Client Conversation Topics: Purgatory, Pleb-gate, Vicar and Priests social (??) Top Quotes: "I’m in Pizza Alhalana" (whilst looking at sign), "One time, I woke up in Darlington A&E."
Urban Oven Dish: BBQ Steak Burger. Value: £3.99. LM – "Two hunks of top notch beef between two firm buns." Things got a bit saucy. Wait Time: 11 minutes 32 with queue time. Taste: LM – "One of the best things that has ever happened inside my mouth…" Ambience: No shoes, no service. Clothing optional, i.e. Jumpers are available for order. Our very own Vice Bar Chair owns this lucrative item. Client Conversation Topics: Penises, Tinder and Religion. Top Quotes: Van Mildert 4th Year — "Livia Carron is the best journalist in Urban Oven between the hours of 12am and 1am on a Tuesday. She’s so journalistic". Someone called Ross—"Never forget where you are from!" LC – "Where are you from?" Ross—"ummm… Scotland?"
Subway Dish: 6 inch Meatball Marinara (with cheese, lettuce, jalapenos, olives and onions). Value: £ 3.69. JH – "6 inches isn’t that big anyway. Oh god, yep, that’s another quote from Joel." Wait Time: 2 minutes 27. Bravo. LM – "The only time that being fast is good." Taste: Its subway, what do you expect. Ambience: Warm, great music, and the subway smell are positives, but no seating, and it is not advisable to wear white (see picture). Client Conversation Topics: Slutty Australians and Capitalism. Top Quotes: Cory Unal – "I was just in Quaddie," "Behind the capitalism of the subway franchise, there is a great demand for help of the poor." "I hope you are not Rita Skeeta." " I don’t know how to sue you, but I’ll do it." The list continues…
Patrick’s Pizza (Pizza) Dish: Medium Pepperoni Pizza, with a topping of grease. Value: £4.90 – Not worth it. Wait Time: 10 minutes 53 seconds. Taste: Not impressed. MB – "The tomato puree wasn't bad…" Other teammates disagree. Ambience: Despite the older years having an emotional connection to this place, they agreed that it is dark, cold, dingy and dirty. Personal hate of the unused water feature in the corner, that has absolutely nothing to do with anything I hate it, get it out. Client Conversation Topics: Mainly focused around Mildred Potter (see below). Top Quotes: Mary’s Fresher —"What are you doing, Market research…?" Aidan’s 2nd Year—"Paddy’s Pizza – It does good pizza."
Have you met Mildred? We have. ‘Mildred Potter’, is a fresher from Parson’s Field, Cuth’s, and by far the most irritating drunk person you will ever encounter. If you meet Mildred Potter, we recommend you put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye, or else you face encountering a seemingly never-ending barrage of all things Mildred. Including, but not limited to: "She was hooking up with a ginger guy who she shouldn’t have been hooking up with so I took her to get pizza, it’s okay to get with gingers, I mean I got with a ginger once” “You know what; I am here for the pizza not the gossip.” “At 1:40am, you have two choices, get drunk or go to bed” “I am here because I am not a creepy stalker of the drunks.” “Oh you go to castle, that explains why you are such twats.” “I make all the friends in the Paddy’s” “My friend told me that if I keep drinking, more people would look more like Harry Styles.” “I don’t want to be in the papers, do you write for the university papers, I am a really memorable person.”
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen of Castle, Valentine’s Day is coming, and here at Gossip HQ we have not been disappointed. Just as I expected, your antics have enabled us to indulge in number upon number of your sordid little secrets. You, my dear Castlemen, have been very naughty indeed. An extra special shout-out this issue goes to an ever-charming fourth year, who exclaimed when I contacted him, 'it took you four years to get any dirt on me. Surprised you bothered/care'. Little did he know that I am unlucky enough to have come across plenty of dirt on him; I’m surprised he didn't bother/care to make it to the toilet. I will not, however, let this shit chat dampen the saucy mood that I’ve found myself in recently. With my favourite day of the year around the corner, I have deemed it necessary to provide a list of Valentine’s Day tips for those of you who have not quite yet mastered the art of seduction. It seems that whilst Cupid has been busy aiming his bow, some of you have found yourselves in compromising situations that must not, I repeat not, be repeated…
You know you love me, XOXO
If you find yourself feeling lonely this Valentine's Day, I would advise that drinking may not be a great method of pulling your security member of choice. You may find that the sick night out you planned could descend into AnnarKy(eith). Dom't stick to the standard Durham Ebony's/Fabs combo this V-Day. The drinks may be cheaper in the north, but everyone knows that a private party down South(ern) is much more fun. By invitation only. For that extra special someone, perhaps you should consider booking a romantic and peaceful night in our very own Bishop's Suite. The tasteful fittings are guaranteed to inspire a top-notch 'Ruffing up'. Two Freshers who are especially familiar with the suite assure me they found nothing to be critical(laghan) about. Though itâ€™s probably worth double-checking the bath... This second year has come up with a frankly Krass new dating mantra, and she's raking in the smenergies. After an incompreHendsible few weeks and a ski trip that left her pleading for Moore, how many other generations of Vice Bar Chair can she manage? Gossip Girl would advise never sticking to a type in games of love and war. Perhaps plundering the Durham 1st XV might prove more profitable. A classic dating method is to treat them mean to keep Em keen. Holever, this only works to an extent, you must be careful not to bite the hand that feeds you, or the lips, or the neck. If your courting technique takes a desperate turn, make sure your uninvited undressing method isn't appreHended by her sleepy roommate (ROFL), as this is likely to reveal a few too many naked truths. He really Is La-scivious.
THE BACK PAGE WOULD BE POWER COUPLES from left to right: Katie Bailey and Henry Winlow Even her mum’s backing them Sophia White and Simon Gallow Behind every great man is a great woman
FLOREAT EXCLUSIVE | Tom Stevenette reveals: “I was sitting in the Cathedral the other day when I had the sudden revelation that I wasn’t God.”
THROWBACK SATURDAY: An advert for Smenergy from 2007
This issue was brought to you by: Kirsten Ash, Jared Bambridge, Mike Bedigan, Ellis Bland, Liberty Brown, Livia Carron, Kenneth Chan, Becca Dogwiler, St John Featherby, Gossip Girl, Joel Holford, Katherine Hurst (Cover Design) Anthony Kane, David Knowles, Sarah Mack, Jane Markey, Laruen McCollum, Samuel Pemberton-Hill, Krassi Petrova, Amy Rolf , Nyall Sharp, Julia Stichbury and Mike Yorke 44