She Flew the Coop Phil Kolas Undergraduate / Philosophy On a sunny day The farmer marched Axe in hand The other birds ran in panic But she flew the coop A flying chicken! Imagine that Right over the fence The farmer gazed in awe As she flew the coop Flying for miles Flapping like crazy To the coast Eastward-ho! to freedom When she flew the coop The farmer blue-balled And her, off to the sunrise Squeaked out on top By just that much And she flew the coop
Men Representing Women: Why
it matters that Barack didn’t
help take care of the kids Sara Adams
Undergraduate / Print Journalism It seems we’ve strangely decided that our gender does not predispose us to being a better advocate for it. Example: The idea that certain male politicians can advocate for women’s rights just as well as if not better than women. But I think that when we discuss this we need to ask ourselves if women’s status can ever be the same imperative for a man that it is for a woman. This question has come up lately in the prolonged race between Obama and Clinton. Obama’s female supporters at times argue that just because Hillary Clinton is a woman does not necessarily mean she is a better advocate for feminist issues than Barack Obama. At one time I might have agreed, but I’ve since changed my mind.
The New Republic recently published an article called “Wife Lessons,” which discussed the Obamas’ marriage. The article describes Michelle Obama (Barack’s wife), as initially distraught at the way she’d felt thrust into a traditional role, doing most of their family’s childcare and housework, even at one point telling Barack “ I never thought I’d have to raise a family alone.” The situation became better however, though not because Barack began to help out more, but instead because she accepted the situation and decided not to be bitter about it, and found more help on her own. I’d just like to take this moment to say that I will not vote for that. That kind of unintentional ignorance can continue without my eyes wide open support of it. I’ve decided that, for the first time in my life, I’ll have to vote for someone who has no chance of getting elected, because I will not throw my support behind that.
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Anyways, I’m now going to present you with the reasonable excuses for Obama’s behavior. The relationship between Obama and his wife is not necessarily an example of Obama’s legislative plans for women. Their relationship does not necessarily reflect his beliefs about women. That’s his private life, not his public life. After all, Jefferson had slaves, but he didn’t think it was right. Maybe there’s something to be said for these arguments. But I find it all too similar to the way we accept imbalances in the roles of women all the time, simply because they’re not outrageously bad. And so, because of our own acquiescence nothing changes. I know far too many older women in my family and elsewhere, who are overwhelmed by having to take care of the kids and the housework without their partner’s help. And it’s not because their husbands are jerks, it’s because it’s never occurred to either of them that it could be
different. I don’t believe Barack Obama is sexist, and doubt he intentionally wanted his wife to be a “wife,” so that he could be the traditional breadwinner. Rather, he was probably just too wrapped up in his career to notice. Still, although this behavior may be unconscious, that’s no reason for us to indirectly condone it. I will not vote for Obama because I get this image of a group of overwhelmed women waving goodbye to their husbands on the porch, saying it’s o.k. honey, don’t worry about me. And voting for Obama is the same as saying yes, I am o.k. with that. Don’t worry about them, don’t worry about me. One of the reasons these default yet oppressive behaviors occur is because it’s difficult for women’s issues to have the same imperative for a man which they have for a woman. As a man suffers less
from this behavior, he’s that much less likely to want to understand it. I’m not coming down on men for not caring more about feminism, although they should, I’m just looking at this as a practical concern for feminist activism. And if women’s issues can’t mean as much to a man, can a man represent women’s interests as well as another woman? I think we need to stop ourselves the next time we suggest a male candidate can support a women more adequately than a woman. There’s something about living life as a woman that gives a woman a better perspective on what it’s like to experience life as a woman. That may sound glaringly obvious, but it’s a fact that seems to have gotten lost. I realize there are women who advocate traditional policies and a few dramatically liberated men, who I’d rather have represent me then say, Ann Coulter. But this is the exception not the rule.
We shouldn’t overlook the way Barack Obama has embraced traditional gender roles, and believe we can still reject the same gender roles while voting for him. In accepting his acceptance of conservative gender roles we elevate that position. I think Barack Obama’s candidacy is an important case study in male politicians and women’s rights. I have to doubt that someone who has been at all affected by feminism would fail to incorporate it into their private life. And I think it is only right that we see it as indicative of how he will act as president.
This Is Real Life: Something More Ben John
Undergraduate / Music Therapy My life for the past four years has been a great deal of selfishness. Of running away from my problems, creating them for others and trying to avoid depression. This is how the life of a drug addict feels. I smoked pot every day or nearly every day and drank whenever I could. I got arrested a few times for my abuse but never thought twice about doing it again. A lot of people can smoke pot and not get addicted, or think it’s fine. A lot of people can drink whenever, and not be an alcoholic. I wasn’t one of those people. I knew someplace inside of me that it was wrong and bad for me, but it gave me instant gratification. I never thought I could be forgiven or loved because of how I felt about myself and my actions. My world was a constant struggle of trying to pass by as the normal student, while always thinking about how I could get high next. This dragged on in my life for four and a half years. I filled my life up with women who complimented my talents, hanging out with people who liked me just because I smoked and partied. I felt like the only people that truly accepted me were my folks, and I cursed them out and blamed them. I hated my parents for loving me and I didn’t even know why.
It came to the end of a semester and I failed two classes and withdrew from two more. My life was a torrent of drugs, alcohol and sex, whether pornography or women. I knew I had to fight this and live a better life, somehow. Not even that, just to be able to live with myself, with a little forgiveness and love. I checked into a rehab center near Milwaukee. I admitted to myself and others, including my folks that I was, and still am, powerless over my own addiction. That I can’t do anything about it with my own willpower, but I have to give it up to a higher power. I thought that higher power was my sponsor and other people. I believed in God when I was younger but never understood what a relationship with a higher power meant. I always felt guilty and ashamed when I did bad things and “sinned.” During my alcohol and drug abusing years I didn’t believe in God and if I ever did admit to there being a God I said he would never forgive me and never want a relationship with something as disgusting as my heart. I looked fine on the outside now that I was sober for a while, but my insides still stung with guilt and remorse. I went to a youth group to find happiness. I found people there like Thom and Greg. Greg was blind since birth, but was the happiest person I think I had ever met. I never
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understood why. Thom had a background similar if not worse than mine with abuse and partying. He told me he never went to rehab, he said he found a Bible in his dad’s house and started reading it. He told me that the person that made him ashamed before forgave him for what he had done in the past. He said that God wanted to know him personally and help him with his struggles. This was the first time I ever felt hope as encouraging as this. I asked him how to have a relationship with God, and he threw a Bible at me and told me to read. I went home that night and read. A lot of it didn’t make a lot of sense, but I read it anyway. It told about Jesus and how he was God, but he came down to Earth to get to know man. He did this by dying, by having us, people like me who have done wrong things, kill him. It said that God had to do this so that we would get to know him. I hadn’t heard this story in such a way. It seemed ridiculous that the creator of the world and universe would come and die for the bad things that I have done, just so I can be helped and loved by him. That’s inexplicable to me. That’s unfathomable love. That is something that made me fall to my knees and wish I had it. I didn’t know how I could have it. I couldn’t because of how I felt about myself. After time and time return-
ing to talk with blind Greg and preacher Thom I knew it was true, somehow I believed that I could actually be forgiven also. I went back week after week while continuing my rehab program and kept talking with pastors and friends about Jesus. After not too long I put my faith in the facts of Jesus, as Thom had said, by believing that Jesus came down to die for me thus relieving me of my faults, my sin. I then became a Christian. Now this became a problem to me because all the Christians I knew didn’t act like the Jesus I read about at all. They didn’t love and forgive and go on mission trips and help people. They were selfish just like I was. I had to figure out what I wanted to do. I decided since doing the things Christ talked about fulfilled and satisfied me so much, I would try and become as much like Christ as I could. Not letting my guilt get in the way, because Jesus took care of that for me. I wanted to become that love I had experienced to other people so they could know how to get away from a world that caused so much pain and strife and worry. Whoever I told though wouldn’t believe me; they just said that Jesus doesn’t exist. They said he came down to save who he wanted, only those righteous. I didn’t understand because the Jesus I know came down to save me, someone who didn’t enjoy living, who didn’t feel purpose only pain. He came down not to condemn me of the bad things I had done, but to tell me it was ok and that I could still know God. The Jesus I know is humility and refuge, courage and strength. Most importantly he is love. The Jesus I know is love. This is my experience with something more to my life.
April 16th - April 29th, 2008
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Undergraduate / Psychology I’m still struggling to swallow down all that had just been fed to me and I’m not doing a great job at digesting it either. Sure thing that we hadn’t seen each other for a very long time. You had added me on “studivz” during my first semester here at UWEC and I thought that I might have a chance to talk to you again after all these years during this summer. Just to see how you had been and what you would be up to for now. Long forgotten memories suddenly popped into my head after my mom revealed the sad news to me in her last e-mail. I remembered how we had a glorious time together in kindergarten. Playing in the sandpit and throwing sand at other kids, simply being mean jackasses. One girl decided to throw so much sand into my face in retaliation that I was forced to chew on some of it and gulp it down. I guess I learned my lesson that day. We would always come up with our own games and play Knight Rider all day long and so on. And I thought about another night when you had invited me to your birthday party. Your dad, our friends, you and I were going on a night hike. I must have felt sick or something because your father decided to carry me along the trail. I think you were jealous of me that night and then you wanted your dad to grant you a certain wish I cannot remember but he declined. You yelled at him before you covered your face in your hands in sadness, somehow I have to laugh about it right now. Children can be so ridiculously dumb sometimes. However, our time together ended when we were both supposed to go to school and unfortunately, I was assigned to pre-elementary school. Damn those school nurses who assumed I was autistic… Playing soccer for our town’s club was what reunited us. I don’t think we ever became such close friends again, but I sure had a great time playing on the same team with you and having the usual fun playing soccer. Our coach made an excellent decision choosing you to be our captain. It’s too bad I never told you this but you were a great captain. I can still picture all the games we played and how our opponents pushed us back into our half, trying to score the next goal. Me being the right defender next to you in the defense we
were often very confused and helpless, not knowing exactly what to do. We were a big crowd of disoriented bats flying blindly around in the light. However, it was your loud, strong, thick and penetrating voice that always screamed “get out” at the top of its lungs that awakened us and brought us back to our senses, ready to attack the opposing team and to infiltrate their half. Additionally, to get our opponents into an off-side trap often worked as well. If it hadn’t been for your infinite patience, great leadership skills, and a good coach we would have continued to play shitty soccer, I’m very certain about that. Every time we had to drive to another town for a soccer game you always had a funny story to tell which would crack up the entire bus. Gosh, that just reminds me of the one story you told me about an English teacher we both had in high school who kicked you out of class once. “So why did he kick you out?” I enquired. “I don’t know. I only grinned at him.” “Why did you grin at him?” “I only wanted to be friendly. He became furious and kicked me out.” “Haha, yeah right…” I wonder what you must have been thinking when you were on your way to work. And maybe, if there could have been something that could have prevented you from going off road on that fateful day. I will probably never understand why one of the nicest guys I have ever known in my life had to leave us so early. But I will forever be grateful for getting to know you and being your friend. Maybe we will meet again. Someday and somehow... You were an amazing person and you will be dearly missed by all those you leave behind… In memory of Thorben König. R.I.P 03/28/08.
April 16th - April 29th, 2008
More Like. . . Super FOOLS ‘n Ghosts!
Harsh criticism for a horrendously difficult / fun video game Michael Seaholm
Undergraduate / Computer Science The other day, my good friends from across the hall, Jadie and Steve, were playing with the good ol’ Xbox in their dorm room. Although normally this is not an extraordinary event, the Xbox in question has been modified so that it can play Super Nintendo games. As a result, the entire television was emitting magic at a rapid rate. Intrigued, I stepped in and saw that Steve was playing Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Little did I know, this seemingly innocuous action would lead me down a path of self-destruction as I attempted to beat the game over the next several days. It wasn’t a drown-your-sorrows-in-alcohol type of self-destruction, but it was pretty close. And now, you can enjoy it all from the safety of your homes by reading this article! Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, or SG’nG as it is commonly abbreviated, is an adventure game in which the armored protagonist, Arthur, must rescue Princess Prin-Prin from the demon Loki. Resolving this mind-blowing plot twist involves trekking across geologically-diverse areas (a graveyard, water, volcanoes, etc.) and trying not to die. This is a huge problem mainly because: 1. Arthur moves at the speed of a diseased turnip, and 2. He can’t change directions while jumping, although he can do a double jump that invariably gets him killed. This means that the training I did with Super Mario World from ages 5 to 18 meant nothing as I attempted to jump over gaps with the skill of a drunken paraplegic. Trying to steer Arthur through the second half of the first stage, which involves jumping over pits and onto unnecessarily narrow platforms, is like trying to stop a falling airplane through the power of song: of course you’ll try, but the result is ultimately certain peril. Luckily, the quest to save the princess does not consist entirely of gap-jumping; only about 73 percent of the game involves this hit-or-miss maneuver. There are zombies, demons, werewolves, Simon Cowell, and other undead creatures to contend with. In order to dispatch these foes, the player may choose from a number of different weapons hidden in pots and treasure chests throughout the game.
The default weapon is the lance, and other weapons include the bow, the axe, the dagger, the fleur-de-lis, the cuisinart, and the strumpet. Of these, I find that the dagger is the most useful because if you can hit the attack button quickly enough Arthur throws daggers about as fast as a machine gun shoots bullets. Also, players can retrieve hidden armor that makes their weapons more powerful or gives them a magical attack. In the dagger’s case, this is a sweet energy dragon that jumps around the screen like a hyperactive child at a sugar convention, except slightly more homicidal. So, the player is not entirely powerless against the forces of evil. In fact, the forces of evil aren’t all they’re cracked up to be; as I traipsed through the various demonic landscapes, I fought against a giant bird, a three-headed dragon, a death worm, and various other boss creatures that were extremely easy in comparison to the levels. Luckily, the programmers had the foresight to put in a freakishly difficult enemy into the later levels to make up for this discrepancy. Anyone who has played SG’nG and gotten to at least the third level knows that I am referring to the red demon, also known as Firebrand. It makes sense that, in a game based on devils and the undead, some of the programming code would become infused with demonic energy. This accounts for the unusual intelligence and bastardliness of the red demon, which swoops around and dodges your attacks with disheartening ease. Firebrand is so powerful that his name can be placed at the end of a paragraph and be considered an adequate transition to the next paragraph. For example: FIREBRAND. Anyway, if you manage to get past the levels, the bosses, and the unholy series of assembly language statements that make up Firebrand, you will end up at the penultimate boss, who is some sort of magic ogre that shoots lasers from his forehead. Also, instead of a normal crotch, the boss has a jack-o-lantern face that shoots fire directly at Arthur. This is easily one of the strangest things I’ve seen in a video game, but I digress. After beating this boss and his more powerful green counterpart, the game is beaten… except that you cannot fight the final boss without first retrieving
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Princess Prin-Prin’s magic bracelet, which shoots magic fireballs that the last boss is susceptible to. The game immediately boots you back to the first level at an increased level of difficulty with the promise that you will really beat the game once you get the bracelet and fight the real last boss. This is a Super Nintendo-style “fuck you” that is regrettably no longer common in today’s video games. Last Wednesday was my third attempt at officially beating Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts. Accordingly, my roommate Kent and Jadie and Steve gathered around to watch and, more importantly, to remark upon my amazing propensity to die. The reason I had not beaten the game earlier was because the princess’s bracelet sucks as a weapon against the next to last boss, and that night it again proved to be difficult. I spent numerous lives trying to destroy him, but his magical crotch fire coupled with his head lasers proved too much to overcome. I had two lives left and no credits with which to continue. The situation was indeed bleak. However, by some miracle that has never been nor will ever be equaled, I managed to destroy him. The room filled with unbelieving jubilation as I walked forward to face the final boss, clad in golden armor and unwavering confidence. The last boss shot lasers in a circular pattern that was easy to dodge, but he could take a bracelet to the face like no other. Then, after a few minutes of severe pummeling, he exploded, thus freeing the princess and destroying every demon ever. The room exploded with a fierce cacophony seldom heard outside of football stadiums. I high-fived everyone in triumph, accidentally smacking the tip of Jadie’s index finger against his bed. Although it was clear that fundamental nerve damage had been done, he didn’t care. We watched as the end sequence occurred, noting that they only showed four out of the hundreds of monsters that appeared throughout the game and five bosses, three of which being the end bosses. Also, the credits showed a bunch of names that were obviously fictitious, including Hyper Mickey, Ryutaro’s Mama, and, of course, Professor F. We postulated that the programmers put in an unfinished ending sequence to meet a deadline and forgot to
put a real one in, thinking perhaps that no one would actually get around to beating the game twice. Well, I’d like to take this
opportunity to say something to all those readers out there who happened to be on the development team for Super Ghouls ‘n
Ghosts when this oversight occurred: we know your secret. Also, for creating this game: suck it.
Freedom Isn’t Free Julie Davis
Undergraduate / History Probably one of the most common words associated with the United States is freedom. This nation was founded on the basic principles of “freedom,” but there has never been a time when all of its people have been totally free. Throughout our history there has always been freedom for the wealthy and powerful, but what about the bottom of the pile? There has always been persecution and hatred in our nation that has affected people’s freedom and rights. Just around 150 years ago a large percent of the population in America was made up of slaves, so there’s a huge chunk of people who weren’t free. And even some of the people who were free, such as racial, ethnic, and religious minorities were only free to a certain extent. People have the power to say what they want and practice their beliefs how they want until someone more powerful comes in and threatens them. A ridiculously high number of people have been persecuted and/or killed because they were hated for who they were. Fear has always been a powerful tool, because a free person can do what they want until someone who doesn’t like them or what they’re doing or what they believe in steps in and forces them out. This happens everyday everywhere in our country. Even in school, where kids are supposed to feel safe, a lot of them get bullied and pushed around because someone who’s different threatens them. Another, less obvious idea comes to mind when I think about freedom in America. Recently I saw a documentary on Wal-Mart and how it’s pretty much taking over the world. They use cheap labor and raw materials from all parts of the world in order to keep prices low so people will shop there instead of a local convenience store, thus stealing business away from smaller companies. Then they pay their employees next to nothing and charge them high amounts of money for
their medical benefits. They say there’s medical care available, but they pay them so little that they can’t afford it, and then they encourage their employees to seek state-funded care because they can’t afford anything else since their job doesn’t pay them enough. And a poor person is going to shop where prices are lowest, so in most cases that would mean putting the money they earn right back into WalMart’s pocket. Also, anybody who tries to unionize is immediately fired, so workers are scared of losing their job that means too much to them because in many cases it’s one of the only jobs available. It’s like the corporation is a trap and the money it takes in and deals out just keeps circulating and accumulating more profit for the owners each time this happens. This definitely challenges what I believe about freedom. I am a supporter of capitalism, even though I don’t necessarily like the fact that it needs a poor working class to work. Big corporations just like Wal-Mart take advantage of this system and a lot of people end up suffering because of it. And what about the issue of education costs? Everyone in this nation is encouraged to seek higher education in order to get a better job for later in life. But the problem is that college costs a lot of money, so students have to either depend on their family to pay thousands of dollars a year or get a job and pay it themselves. The problem with that, though, is that many of the decent-paying jobs out there available to young people require a degree. So we want degrees in order to make more money, but can’t make a lot of money without having one first. It’s a vicious cycle. And yes, there are scholarships and federal and state funded aid, but that can only go so far. A full-ride scholarship is not an easy thing to come by because it’s given as a reward to those who rise above the rest. There are all sorts of categories and qualifications that determine which students are given scholarships, but what about the mainstream, middle class stu-
April 16th - April 29th, 2008
dents with decent but not extraordinary grades? It’s already difficult enough to get into college, then being able to pay for it is a challenge of its own. Every year the amount of government-funded financial aid for education goes down and the cost of tuition keeps going up. This leads a lot of students and families to turn to loans and credit cards in order to pay these expenses. But over the course of one’s college education, anywhere from two to five or six years or more, a lot of interest can accumulate on loans. So then they’re in debt before they even begin their career, and having bad credit makes it even harder to get loans for other things in the future like a house and a car. I wouldn’t say that entering the “real world” after years of preparation and schooling in order to get a job with a bunch of debt is necessarily free. Technically it is, but it makes it harder to enjoy some of the luxuries that come with having a decent-paying job and an education. The principles that lay the groundwork for our nation look excellent on paper, but it seems that they don’t always work as well as people would hope. I am truly thankful that we as Americans have rights that protect our freedom, because there are so many parts of the world where people are deprived of the things that we take for granted. But in societies like ours, there are always people who end up with the short end of the stick, and they’re the ones who pay the price of our freedom. Even in a nation like the United States, people face the struggle of fighting and working for their rights every day of their lives. The truth is, a lot of outsiders see America as a symbol of liberty and peace, but from the inside looking out it can be a pretty vicious place sometimes. Except for people like the Waltons, that is.
Philip of Trier: Part Eight
Undergraduate / Religious Studies The voices in the Guild Hall Tavern all spoke to Philip of Trier. “On with the story.” “Don’t stop now.” “Tell us more about Alphonse’s night with Clara.’” Now the dark man, the master of the hounds and the warden of the night, asked in a voice that seemed to blend into the question everyone was thinking. “Tell me more. Tell me more about Clara. It has been so long since I have heard my story I can barely remember her.” But, another voice said, “We have had enough of that.” But Philip was his own man now and told the story the way it demanded to be told. Form and content were the same and neither detracted from the other like the brush strokes in a painting. Philip continued after he took a small sip of Southern Comfort. Now, Philip showed them how Alphonse had torn himself with remorse for her. He let them see it all, the color, the sounds Alphonse heard. He made them feel that they cared what happened. As they cared they forgot their moment and touched something greater than themselves that lasted forever, or so it seemed. *** As Alphonse prepared himself to cross the river Styx he asked himself these questions: Where has Clara gone since I hurt her and called her a slut? Where did she go after I called her a royal slut and she cut me? How has she made me do this thing, to try to kill the beast that cannot be killed? When she came to my monk’s cell I could have turned her away. I could have turned her away. Now the image of her and I together is constantly before me. Clara, Clara, Clara, the wind whispers her name. *** Alphonse’s trip to the river seemed to only take a few moments and the moments seemed an eternity, and Alphonse’s life seemed to be but a tiny ripple in the sea of eternity. Then there was indeed a boatman with very boney arms and hands and an empty cowl for a face. His boat was waiting for Alphonse at the river Styx with and the boatman, hand outstretched who said: “Pay the toll unless you would
rather swim across.” And then boatman added, “And be quick about it, this is not a pleasure cruiser.” Alphonse reached inside his pouch and handed him a silver coin. Then the boatman motioned with pole in hand, that he come aboard. There was a dog in the back of the boat. His name was Cerberus the hound of Hell who turned out not to have three heads to rip sinners to pieces, but rather was a large black lab that seemed to like everybody. His tail made a thumping sound as it wagged against the bottom of the boat. It was said that theologians had speculated about the possibility that dogs might have souls and get into Heaven, but it turned out that if they did they were like Cerberus, and would prefer to follow their owners into and live with them in Hell. The boatman who was only a robe and empty cowl, some very bony arms and legs, said: “One-way or round-trip?” Then the whole river bank filled with spectral laughter as the boatman continued with his little speech. “A very few have gone both ways, maybe a couple of handfuls. Once, of course, there was this father bought his son a round trip passage. What a pain he was, almost put me out of business. He nearly wrecked the place with that dammed harrowing and he took about a third of the folks down here out with him.” The boatman continued as he placed a bony hand on his non- existent chin. “The guy had a former side kick named Judas, but no matter what he did Judas was not leaving, no he just sort of sits around and bullshits with my boss Lucifer, who also, it turns out, worked for this guy’s father till he couldn’t take it anymore. But that’s another story.” Just at that moment somebody woke out of a drunken sleep in the audience in the Guild Hall Tavern, woke from dreaming of a very wet kiss from his favorite barmaid only to find his face was being licked by a very large and friendly wolfhound. Then he said, “Did somebody say empty cow around here, what the hell is an empty cow.” Then he went back to sleep. He
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smiled and liked it at first, then realized the dog was not his girl. Philip continued his story as he described the underworld where Alphonse crossed the river Styx. The underworld glowed with its own luminescence. It shone with a greenish pall. Alphonse started to remember. He remembered what he had done that had made him a master of the craft of death. *** The dark man nodded for Philip to continue. And he did so in a carefully paced voice, and they all walked with Alphonse. *** For a man to kill a god who will drag Clara into Hell he must lose his soul so that the beast will have nothing to take from him. With no soul, death becomes the gift of peace into the sleep that passed all understanding. He had no soul to take. But one must be brave to chant the chant of the death song which kills your soul so that even the beast cannot take it. That was the gift for which Alphonse’s mother had paid so dearly. It never had been the water which had made him invulnerable. Perhaps she knew he was part of something more than the moment. Alphonse sang the song that was inside the box which Carlo had given him as he started on his decent. The box held the signs; the signs it held were the sighs which were the words: Ella: lllllaaa: klaaaa, mlliii, the words from the signs which turned Alphonse’s soul to dust. Though he lived on in mortal form without his own vulnerable self, the beast now appeared in full material and mortal form in Hell. It had nothing to take from Alphonse. The beast drove to him as he had the others, teeth and blood and devastation and claw. Free now, and mortal, the beast appeared as a great wolf and this time Alphonse’s eye did not tear as he reached into his cloak. Alphonse held the beautiful scorpion crossbow in both his hand and lifted it up and pierced the beast’s now mortal heart. The beast died in bliss released from all the weight of what he was. He had tricked Alphonse into giving him his greatest gift, the gift only Alphonse could give, the gift of death. Now it was all so clear to him. Now the beast made clear to him that the bride he
really wanted was death. He had tricked Alphonse. Into paying the bride price for it with his soul, but in all of it Clara would be free, though she would never see Alphonse as her savior. She would only see the beast when she saw Alphonse; sometimes you pay that much for something. * * * Then a series of questions seemed to come from everywhere. “What a strange story,” said the innkeeper. What happened to Alphonse?” “What happened to Clara? “Tell them the rest,” said the warden of the night and master of the hounds. *** Philip had now kept them awake by his talking past midnight. Tomorrow morning, they would be back at their trades. All were safe at least for this night. In the prologue Philip of Trier put it simply: Alphonse had bought a two-way ticket. Hell was a place with another mouth, and it lead back into the world. But few could find it. His mortal feet touched solid ground. The guards let him back into the city with only a nod to them. He was just a tall older man, harmless not worth challenge. Alphonse walked to Carlo’s inn. His work now done, he wondered how he lived without a soul. Carlo still saw Alphonse as a man, but one now hollow though his sacrifice. Not much past a dark dream. Carlo spelled it out to Alphonse. “If you see Clara now she won’t see you. She will see the beast as if it comes to take her, and she will die. The old gods have asked you to make the world run as it would.” Clara had no further part, past marrying and living happily ever after, and Hell got a new custodian as it always does, but not a beast this time, a man named Alphonse who had no soul.
April 16th - April 29th, 2008
When I was 10 I thought Slayer was the most offensive band I had ever encountered. This was mainly because my parents thought the same. But I knew there was more out there. In retrospect, Slayer isn’t even that bad. They just have a misconceived reputation of being Satan worshippers. Weak. Over the years I’ve come across more and more abrasive bands. Now, at 23, I have seen things in terms of music that I’d never even imagined at 10. Some of the stuff I’ve come across makes Marilyn Manson look like Abba. I was listening to some of my nasty music the other day and decided that I can’t keep this all to myself. I’ve got to share it with the world (and by world I mean the three of you that read The FlipSide). What follows is a list of some of the most offensive albums I’ve come across to date. By no means do I encourage anything suggested by these bands, but suggest you should merely enjoy it for its hilarity. The bands (most of them) think it’s funny, you should too. Don’t be such a fucking tightass. Also, none of the following bands is actually racist, misogynist, or worships Satan.
Anal Cunt – 40 More Reasons To Hate Us This is possibly one of the most awesome bands to ever exist. Just look at the
fucking name. Anal Cunt. The music is intentionally terrible by design, basically shitty grindcore. They originally started as a sideproject. Incoherent guitar, incoherent drums, incoherent vocals. The vocals especially sound like a rat with a sparkler in its ass halfway down a blender. Every once in a while they cover a song. But their version of doing a cover is mocking it and then calling the band gay. What these guys are really known for are their insanely offensive song titles. Oh, and just about every song is under 50 seconds long. Here’s a few of the top song titles off this album: “You Look Divorced” “Phyllis Is An Old Annoying Cunt” “Everyone In Anal Cunt Is Dumb” “Van Full Of Retards” “I Noticed That You’re Gay” “Mike Mahan Has Gingivitis” “Dead, Gay, and Dropped” “Kill Women” And the always classic, “Theme From Three’s Company.” There’s 31 more songs on the album. Many of them being more offensive than the ones I’ve listed. Go buy it and play it at your sister’s first communion, then cannonball into the baptismal fount.
Anal Cunt – “Picnic Of Love” I’m not joking. They released an album called “Picnic of Love.” All the songs are acoustic love songs with vocals that sound like a stoned 13 year-old. I guess this album isn’t so much offensive as it is hilarious. Check out some of the tracks: “I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman And A Human Being” “Saving Ourselves For Marriage” “I Couldn’t Afford To Buy You A Present (So I Wrote You This Song)” “In My Heart There’s A Star Named Af-
The Flip Side
Ed Gein – It’s A Shame A Family Can Be Torn Apart By Something As Simple As Wild Dogs These guys are actually talented. Good production, good songwriting. Total mathcore. Maybe a little grindcore. If you like The Locust or anything in that vein you’ll like these guys. Plus they’re named after the only person from Wisconsin to gain world fame. Who cares if he “killed” people and used their “skins” to make “lampshades.” If he’s a “serial killer” then I’m an “alcoholic.” Obviously, I’m not an alcoholic and this band is giving Ed Gein the respect he always deserved. Despite the song titles they take themselves more seriously than Anal Cunt. Some song titles: “Nice Shoes…Wanna Fuck?” “I Wish You The Best…” “…And By The Best I Mean The Worst” “You Suck At Life…And I’m Not Talking About The Board Game”
Deicide – every album If you are religious in any way, please, keep reading, and feel free to write me hateful letters. Because I’ll just reply with lyrics from Deicide songs and your silly little head will explode. Deicide is one
of those bands that everyone loves. How can you not like a band in which the lead singer burned an upside down cross in his forehead with a coat hanger? I like to pretend he used a coat hanger because he uses it to do back alley abortions for beer money. Shit, maybe he does. That’s just good stuff. Reputedly one of the best death metal acts ever, Deicide rips your face off, pisses on it, fucks your mom with it, she starts to give birth to a baby with your face for an ass, and then Deicide aborts it. Really, I’ve seen it happen. These guys actually played here in Eau Claire at the House of Rock last Helloween. I was there. Fucking epic. Some track titles: “Behead The Prophet (No Lord Shall Live)” “Kill The Christian” “Confessional Rape” “Blame It On God” “Bible Basher” “Christ Don’t Care” “Fuck Your God” “Death To Jesus” My favorite Deicide lines are from Bible Basher: “Ram your religion so far up your ass/Till it becomes just a thing
of the past” and “Stab your religion and leave it for dead/Crush your insides with a touch of Satan/You will succumb as did Adam and Eve/Bible basher, I destroy your belief.” Okay, so remember at the beginning of this article when I said none of these were Satan worshippers? Well, these guys might be borderline. What with the upside down crosses burned in their faceheads.
Exhumed –Platters of Splatter Classic goregrind/goremetal right here. The music is good and the words are ridiculous. These guys are actually pretty
good, seeing as last I heard they were on Relapse records. Actually, these guys are pretty enjoyable on an aesthetic level. Well, if you’re into this type of shit that is. Some track titles: “The Exquisite Flavor Of Gastro Intestinal Tripe” (I don’t even know what the fuck that one means.) “Excreting Innards” (I think I can figure out what that one means.) “Vagitarian” “Bone Fucker” “Bleeding Heap Of Menstrual Carnage” “Lacerated and Molested Necro Vagina” Wow. These guys sure love the vajayjay. Apparently they love it even more when it’s all dead and shit. The song titles are so much funnier when you’re actually listening to the music, and reading the lyrics for that matter. If anyone has made it this far on the page, congrats my friend. You have a great sense of humor. And you’re probably a little touched in the head. This may very well be my last Flip Side column of the year. In the words of Anal Cunt, “I Hope You Get Deported.”
No Brand Con Part One: Behind the Convention Kristoffer Martin
Undergraduate / English Many people attend and know of the anime convention run by the Anime Appreciation Society. They know the finished product of venders and a game room, the yearly cosplay contest, and foam battles. They know the fun, the excitement, the recollection of time spent with friends and neighbors and fellow anime buffs. But what they do not see, though (and hopefully) maybe comprehend, is the time spent in producing and maintaining this yearly anime confection that is the NBC. Speaking to the current proprietor of the convention, Mike, I learned more about what goes into making No Brand Con (NBC) work. Me: So Mike, why and when did you join No Brand Con? Mike: This is my fourth year with NBC. (He had volunteered before he became treasurer.) I started in 2005 as the treasurer, and I was treasurer for two years. I really just love anime and enjoyed being a part of a convention. Me: How do you invite and get in
touch with the many guests NBC has? Mike: We attend other conventions and invite different speakers through them. We tend to ask several months in advance if at all possible to give enough leeway. Me: What do you enjoy the most about NBC? Mike: I like that it brings so many people together that share common interests. Me: What is your favorite costume of all time from No Brand Con? Mike: “That’s a tough one, probably Duct Tape Boy” Another NBC junky Tofur speaks, “Keep in mind that’s his real skin.” Mike replies “You better note that.” Me: What are some of the up and coming guest speakers for NBC? Mike: We have the Kyle Hebert, the announcer voice actor for DBZ. (He could not think of any of the others that are attending, which include; Johnny Yong Bosch, Sonny Strait, The Slants, and Randy Milholland.) Me: What is the biggest challenge with No Brand Con? Second biggest?
April 16th - April 29th, 2008
Mike: The turn around, each year the first semester we have to train new people. NBC is completely run by students and often they leave after one year. Tofur remarks: Also knowing where we’ll be, for awhile we were the only convention in the area, which is why NBC was started, so we could go to a convention. Mike: Originally we had maybe 500 people coming, that was the earlier years, but recently the last few years have had more and more people coming. Upwards of 1,000, making space and resources an issue. Me: Has NBC in the past or now, worked with local businesses to promote it? Possibly with other student organizations like English Festival? Mike: Not really, we did connect with a few businesses like Fountain of Youth (a local game shop now on Water Street) and a few restaurants. We started NBC bucks which are redeemable at the few locations we’ve hooked up with. Unfortunately no, English Fest tends to occur after No Brand Con and is in our down time.
Sexual Depravity Jake Everett
Undergraduate / Creative Writing So I was feeling a little lazy this week and decided to just grab one of my blogs from MySpace and turn it into an article. Unfortunately for you, I’m a raging narcissist, so all my blogs are about me. This, in turn, means this article will be about me. At least all you people out there that loathe the very core of me can have a better reason for it now. Anyway, let’s get to it. I rarely, if ever, have a girlfriend. I give a variety of reasons for my bachelorhood (I’ve been cheated on, I get bored, I just don’t like dating, etc). While all of these statements are true, they aren’t actually the reason I don’t date. I simply don’t date because I haven’t found anyone that is “perfect” or near enough to my idea of perfect to believe that I could stay with them for any amount of time. Obviously, the first thing I do upon seeing a potential fuck-mate is judge my level of attraction to her. This is determined by the usual factors of age, weight, and making sure her face doesn’t look like something out of a horror movie. I don’t put much consideration into the “tits or ass” debate; it doesn’t really matter to me that much. After taking all of this in, she’ll usually get a rating on a ten-scale. However, if she has piercings and/or tattoos, that rating will always go up. Any girl with numerous piercings and tattoos is going to be more attractive to me than a girl with no piercings or tattoos. I’ll use this example: Say I meet a girl one night who is an 8 out of 10. She’s very straightedge; no tattoos, no piercings. I meet an-
other girl the same night who is a 6, but has multiple tattoos and piercings. I’ll go for the 6 every time. Just as an aside, all of this happens in about five seconds, and I believe most people would call it “eyefucking.” All guys do it. Before I move on, I know that some of you are thinking, “God, he’s so shallow. What an asshole!” Let me explain this to you. If you are obese, you have the face of a baboon, your tits are lopsided, and you smell like skunk shit…you could very well be a beautiful person on the inside, but I have no intention of finding out. Attraction is the bridge that allows people to find out about personality. When I first meet a girl (and by meet I mean fuck), I do my best to find out her sexual boundaries. What I mean by this is that I ask basic questions like: “So...umm....if you caught me fucking your twin sister...would you be angry, or join in?” Through a series of innocuous questions like this, I determine her level of what most people would call sexual depravity. In most cases, the higher the level of sexual depravity, the higher the level of my attraction to her. I swear, when I find a girl that will have a threesome with me and her twin sister while watching/making a porn video, covered in chocolate syrup, asking me to pass the double ended dildo while I fuck her....I’ll probably get married. Well...as long as she wants to cuddle when we’re done...that’s non-negotiable. In addition to finding out what she’ll do with me in bed (or kitchen, or car, or plane, or boat, or trampoline, or alley, or church), I try to find out about her person-
ality. I firmly believe that sex is the most important part of a relationship (with me), but I also know that I wouldn’t really want to hang out with someone outside of the house if she wasn’t intelligent, humorous, somewhat self-reliant, and a slew of other adjectives. Then I look at the activities she participates in and interests she has, relative to my own. Enjoying going to strip clubs is definitely a plus, since it’s an activity that relates to sex, but only if they actually enjoy going, and aren’t just going to make me happy. As I said before, I love tattoos and piercings, so interest in that is also awesome. Beyond that: reading, watching movies, politics, world issues, and other things that we could conceivably talk about are all good. Another topic that I enjoy talking about is a toss up: religion. If she’s an atheist or an agnostic, that’s great. However, if she is religious, it would probably end badly. I just have an extremely rational (yes, rational) hatred of anyone who thinks God exists. So basically, that’s it. Now you see why I rarely date. And since I haven’t even found a girl that the sex was perfect with, I can’t imagine it will be happening anytime soon. Oh, and for those of you who are thinking, “I would never sleep with you... you’re crazy” or “you’re gross,” you don’t have to. You don’t have to because if this bothers you, I probably wouldn’t want to fuck you anyway. Well...unless you’re unconscious.
The Flip Side would like to take the following opportunity to apologize for a couple of fuck-ups that occured in the last issue. Evidently, Jake Everett’s article entitled “God Told Larry King to Kill Some Gays,” was suppose to have read “God Told Larry Kilgore To Kill Some Gays.” Our very sincerest goes out to you, the readers, Jake Everett, Larry King, and we may as well throw Larry Kilgore in there for good measure. Shit, as long as we’re handing these things out like Twizzlers®, we would also like to apologize to God as well. We’re very sorry. Additionally, our dumb Layout Editor forgot to credit our awesome Art Director for the wonderful illustrations he produced for the last issue. You know that one with the fangs and the kids looking at a bat? And the one with the bikini clad girl watching bombings from Mexico? Yeah, Ian Kloster did those. Sorry Ian...you rock.
The Flip Side
April 16th - April 29th, 2008
Saturday, April 19th 1-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 6 p.m. – Campus Film: The Wizard of Oz – Davies Theater - Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1
Wednesday, April 16th 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 11a.m.-2 p.m. – Native American Student Association Fry Bread Taco Sale – Davies Veranda 8 p.m. – Jazz at Night – The Cabin, Davies Center 8 p.m. – Live Band: The Feelin’ Band – Higherground, Crest Wellness Center
Thursday, April 17th 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 6-8 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center
8 p.m. – UAC Cabin Featured Artist: Chris Jacob – The Cabin, Davies Center 8 p.m. – SIFE: Battle of the Bands – Higherground, Crest Wellness Center 8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Dark Side of Oz – Davies Theater - Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1
Sunday, April 20th 1-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 6 p.m. – Campus Film: The Wizard of Oz – Davies Theater - Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1
8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Dark Side of Oz – Davies Theater 6 p.m. – Campus Film: The Wizard of Oz – Davies Theater - - Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1 door – $1 7:30 p.m. – The Forum: James Howard Kunstler – Zorn Arena – $5 at the door, or in advance at the Service Desk, Davies Center 8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Dark Side of Oz – Davies Theater - Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1
Friday, April 18th 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 11:30 a.m. – UAC Cabin Featured Artist: Chris Jacob – The Cabin, Davies Center
Monday, April 21st
10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center
Tuesday, April 22nd 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 12 noon – UAC Cabin: Classical Cabin Fever – The Cabin, Davies Center 7-8 p.m. – Planetarium Program: The Stargazer – Planetarium, Phillips Science Hall
7-9 p.m. – “The Conscious Universe: Where Buddhism and Physics 6 p.m. – Campus Film: The Wizard of Oz – Davies Theater - Converge” – Schofield Auditorium Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1 8 p.m. – UAC Cabin Featured Artist: Chris Jacob – The Cabin, Davies Center 8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Dark Side of Oz – Davies Theater - Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1
Wednesday, April 23rd
10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 8 p.m. – Jazz at Night – The Cabin, Davies Center
The Flip Side
Thursday, April 24th
Monday, April 28th
10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 6-8 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 6-8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Sea Hawk– Davies Theater Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1 7:30-9:30 p.m. – Ann Devroy Forum: Dana Priest – Schofield Auditorium
Friday, April 25th 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center
10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 7:30 p.m. – Artists Series: The Belle of Amherst – Schofield Auditorium Tuesday,
English Fest XIII - All over campus 10 a.m.-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 12 noon – UAC Cabin: Classical Cabin Fever – The Cabin, Davies Center 7-8 p.m. – Planetarium Program: The Stargazer – Planetarium, Phillips Science Hall
6-8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Sea Hawk– Davies Theater Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1 8 p.m. – UAC Cabin Theater: One-Person Plays – The Cabin, Davies Center 10 p.m. – Club Mercury Dance Party – Higherground, Crest Wellness Center
Saturday, April 26th 1-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 6-8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Sea Hawk– Davies Theater Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1 8 p.m. – UAC Cabin Local Talent: The New Monarchs – The Cabin, Davies Center 8 p.m. – SIFE: Battle of the Bands – Higherground, Crest Wellness Center
Sunday, April 27th
Submit Your Events!
1-4:30 p.m. – 51st Annual Juried Art Show – Foster Gallery, Haas Fine Arts Center 6-8:30 p.m. – Campus Film: The Sea Hawk– Davies Theater Tickets available at the Davies Center Service Desk or at the door – $1
To better serve our readers, all Student Organizations, Departments, Students, Faculty, Staff, and Community Members are welcome to submit events or activities for inclusion into our calendar for FREE. The deadline for events in the next issue is Apr. 24th Send events to Phil Kolas at: firstname.lastname@example.org
April 16th - April 29th, 2008