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The Month I Almost Died a texting memoir

a side-splitting, gut-busting a

NEAR-DEATH tale of

40-something mom-of-two

packed with BURSTS of friendship, bodily functions, , divorce, house-hunting, unemployment, , bodily functions, suspense,


husband-thieves, bodily functions, bad food, hospital drama, bad language, literary intrigue

, craigslist, bodily fluids,

and CSI. Oh, and beer. And wine.

PUBLISHED BY FUNCTIONALL BOOKS 160 Eberts St. Victoria B.C. Canada V8S 3H7 Functionall Books Š Functionall Books, 2012 All rights reserved.

This is dedicated to my family, friends and neighbours, who supported, cooked, prayed, and quietly cheered me on;

to my surgeons, who saved my life and visited and called almost every day just to “see how I was doing�; to my nurses, unsung heroes, who do the unthinkable every single day;

to Karen, of course, whose sense of humour, fast thumbs, fabulous punctuation, and inappropriate bedside manner kept my spirits up on the darkest days; to my Mom, who held down many forts while holding me up; and to my husband, Eric, who somehow kept it all together when things seemed to be falling to pieces.

Thank God for all of you.


March 10, 2 p.m. Fiona (to Eric): “Honey, I’m not feeling very well. I’m just going to lie down upstairs.”

March 10, 7 p.m. Emergency Room Doctor (to Fiona and Eric): “Well, your urine looks good. You probably have influenza. If you start vomiting and/or get diarrhea, then it’s a norovirus.”

March 14, 8:39 p.m. From: Eric Bramble Sent: Wednesday, March 14, 2012 08:39 PM To: Eric <ericbramble@> Subject: st paddys alert from brambles

Hello All, Last Saturday at approx 2 pm Fiona went to lie down for a few minutes. It is Wednesday at 8:30 pm and she is still down. Don’t get me wrong, she has a tinge of green to her as a tribute to her Irish roots but it is around the gills, not on her rosy cheeks. It looks like some kind of dreaded lergy has gotten hold of my lass and it is best not to congregate with others and ingest food or beverage for a while. Sorry for the late notice and we hope you can find yourself in the comfort of some other mad family willing to put up with the likes of you. REGRETFULLY WE ARE CALLING OFF OUR ST PADDYS PARTY. Love E, F, K & T

PART 1: fighting? Chapters 14/03: Or maybe a norovius? 16/03: Are you better? 20/03: Emerg. Stat. 21/03: If you arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t using those organs, can I justâ&#x20AC;Ś? 22/03: Crapsticks 23/03: To-do lists & not dying 24/03: Are you remembering to fart? 25/03: Mort 26/03: Pineapples & blue cheese 27/03: Wine & Footloose 28/03: What Fresh Hell Is This 29/03: The Jubilee Hilton 30/03: Wine is a fluid and so is blood 31/03: A coughing up a lung old man day 31/03: Lino dude & bedpans 01/04: Strong like an ox? 02/04: Oxycontin & sugar & beer 03/04: Happy Birthday! And poop. 04/04: Home

14/03: Or maybe a norovirus? FIONA Day 5: norovirus 14/03, 09:13a

KAREN Oh NO. You poor thing. That’s terrible. Should I bring you chicken soup? 14/03, 09:15a

Can’t eat yet. Feel like I’ll never be human again 14/03, 09:18a

01/02: Aw. You will. What’s going on universe? [shakes fist at the heavens]. Why do things either have to be GREAT or TERRIBLE, with no middle ground. 14/03, 09:20a

02/02: lately? No fair. Do the kids have it too? 14/03, 09:20a

Mercifully and miraculously no and I’ve been quarantined since Saturday. Can you shake my fist for me too? 14/03, 09:23a

[shaking]. Unfair! Boo. Were you off work for spring break? 14/03, 09:38a

No 14/03, 09:38a

That’s not good. Do you get sick time, at least? Boo. 14/03, 09:44a

Not sure. It’s a short contract 14/03, 09:46a

That super sucks. I’m sorry. 14/03, 09:46a

Just went to the bathroom and sweet Jesus I look like H B-C in Sweeney Todd 14/03, 09:47a

Ha! 14/03, 09:50a

You look like a movie star! 14/03, 09:51a

 14/03, 09:53a

You’re awesome. Thanks for listening. Back to stomach cramps and hopefully zzzzzzs. Hope to see you very soon. xo 14/03, 09:54a

Take care of you! Let me know if you need help. I can take Tru? Bring soup? 14/03, 09:57a

Have a good rest. xo 14/03, 09:57a

16/03: Are you better?

Are you better? Thinking of you! 16/03, 06:45p

No, not better. Can you believe it?! Still flat on my back. Wish we were sitting at Vista 18 sipping martinis. My cousin just showed up with a mint chocolate milkshake for me. Thanks for thinking of me. You ok? 16/03, 06:55p

01/03: Curtis and his idiot sl*t girlfriend just picked up the kids for his first weekend with them. I am not proud of how I behaved when idiot girl said, “it” 16/03, 06:55p

02/03: “SO nice to meet you, Karen”. On the plus side, I didn’t kill her, so will not go to jail. Hate. Off to buy wine and ice cream for dinner. I can’t 16/03, 06:55p

03/03: believe you are still sick! That’s just all wrong. 16/03, 06:55p

Oh, big step. You were dreading this. How were the kids and was Max with the semi-adults? 16/03, 06:58p

Tough one. Try not to think of the kids in the scuzzy hole. Wine! Ice cream! Mmmmmm. Enjoy your alone time xo 16/03, 07:01p

01/02: Luc was nervous, but ok. I think he didn’t hear me call Melissa a bitch. Ooops. It slipped out! Max (one week in) has decided he’d rather 16/03, 07:01p

02/02: stay with his mum, so he’s gone. 16/03, 06:55p

So was that under your breath or…?? 16/03, 07:01p

No, it was my outside voice. 16/03, 07:02p

When does this shit stop being so hard? Sad. 16/03, 07:02p

Um, it stays hard but you have to find a place to put it blah blah blah 16/03, 07:03p

It’s nice to MEET me? I’ve known her for years, I really wanted — in that moment— to hurt her. Really. Not a good feeling. 16/03, 07:04p

Did you give her that look? 16/03, 07:04p

I’d like to put it under my car and run it over. And by “it”, I mean “Curtis and Melissa”. 16/03, 07:05p

She’s a slutty selfish husband thief 16/03, 07:05p

Yes! Exactly. Thank you. 16/03, 07:05p

She laughed in my face and said, “I know your little story, Karen.” 16/03, 07:06p

WHAT???!!!! 16/03, 07:06p

But what did she mean? 16/03, 07:07p

01/02: That was her clever retort when I said (hissed, really), “Karma is very unkind to people who sleep with their boss, while the boss’s wife is having surgery.” 16/03, 07:08p

02/02: I…Hate her. 16/03, 07:08p

Bitch. 16/03, 07:08p

Totally. Thank you. She IS. Now go back to bed! Feel better, stat. Let me know when you need a martini. 16/03, 07:09p

xox and after the martini, I’ll kick her ass for you. 16/03, 07:11p

Ha. You are the best. Thank you. 16/03, 07:14p

20/03: Emerg. Stat. @Vic General indefinitely. 20/03, 05:26p

What??? What happened??? 20/03, 05:57p

Strep A in my blood. Pneumonia. And some yet to be discovered pollutant as well. Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s in addition to what I had last week and am still fighting 20/03, 06:03p

Fi? Worrying. 20/03, 06:03p

Oh my god. 20/03, 06:03p

Some top infectious dude is supposed to come in tonight 20/03, 06:04p

Holy hell. You poor thing. 20/03, 06:05p

You must feel awful. Can I do something? Visit? Send stuff? Bring stuff? 20/03, 06:05p

Nothing to be done dear ladyâ&#x20AC;Śjust the occasional missive 20/03, 06:05p

This is terrible. 20/03, 06:06p

I’m pretty freaked but my super chill metro-Indian doc is like…”wait and see, it’s all good” 20/03, 06:06p

Just my kid that thinks I’m dying 20/03, 06:06p

No doubt! Poor Tru. 20/03, 06:07p

Hang on, just signing some life changing papers. Don’t go anywhere. 20/03, 06:11p

Can you blog/facebook for me about how doc was stuffing his face with Ho Muffin* and coffee while discussing my very important case *Tim Horton’s baked goods

20/03, 06:12p

Wait. Papers? House? Divorce? I’m right here  20/03, 06:14p

He’s obviously not worried about catching your infectious disease. Ho Muffin sounds like a good nickname for dislikable slutty girls. 20/03, 06:21p

I’m going to start using it and pretend I made it up. 20/03, 06:22p

Papers 20/03, 06:22p

……..? 20/03, 06:22p

House and divorce. 20/03, 06:23p

I can’t stand dealing with him. I can’t deal. 20/03, 06:25p

Shit. Messy. How ya feeling? 20/03, 06:26p

What’s the next step? She wasn’t there was she? 20/03, 06:27p

I think it’s time to move on and start fresh. I really do. And if I don’t die here, I will help you xox 20/03, 06:31p

You are Forbidden. I forbid dying. 20/03, 06:32p

Not allowed. Do you feel very terrible? (dumb question) 20/03, 06:32p

I still think it’s the right thing to do. Really. Next year you’ll be tossing your hair and laughing 20/03, 06:35p

I do feel terrible and I want to punch my metro muffin dude 20/03, 06:35p

Ha ha. I feel like it’s right, too 20/03, 06:36p

Ho Muffin. 20/03, 06:37p

Dr. Ho (Muffin) 20/03, 06:37p

I am so sorry this is happening to you. What is wrong with the universe? You have had a crazy month. 20/03, 06:39p

21/03: If you aren’t using those organs, can I just…? I’m going in for surgery and I could lose A. My appendix or B. My tubes and ovaries 21/03, 09:17a

What? Oh my god, sweetie. This is CRaZINEss. 21/03, 09:18a

I’m hoping for appendix. 21/03, 09:19a

Sweet old man keeps telling me how sick I am and they need to save me 21/03, 09:19a

What sweet old man? 21/03, 09:20a

The surgeon 21/03, 09:20a

They DO need to save you. You can have my ovaries and tubes. 21/03, 09:20a

Not sure “sweet old man” is inspiring confidence. When do you go in? Are you ok? 21/03, 09:21a

I don’t need those clunky things anymore. It’s just a bit of a shock. 21/03, 09:21a

NO DOUBT. Want me to come up? Is someone hanging with you? 21/03, 09:22a

I’m going in any minute. Will be in ICU for recovery 21/03, 09:22a

Oh my god. 21/03, 09:23a

It’s going to be FINE. 21/03, 09:24a

You are going to be fine. Cakewalk. Surgeon has done this a thousand times. 21/03, 09:24a

Can you tell Eric to call me when you are out with a report? 21/03, 09:24a

Good luck. I love you. It’s going to be ok, promise. 21/03, 09:25a

I’ve called Eric but he’s…??? 21/03, 09:26a

What????? 21/03, 09:26a

He’ll be there when you wake up though, right? 21/03, 09:30a

Oh man, sweetie. I wish I could do something. Get someone to call when you are out. Even the sweet old surgeon! 21/03, 09:35a

I am thinking of you. And I am 100% sure you will be fine. “Right as rain” as my Gran would have said (and probably your sweet old surgeon, too). 21/03, 09:37a

Thinking of you. Hope you are on the other side and sleeping it off! Xo 21/03, 01:41p

Worrying, hope you are ok. 21/03, 06:29p

Just came to and feeling pretty thwacked. They took my appendix, one fallopian tube and an ovary and the infected piece of real estate upon which they all resided 21/03, 08:13p

Oh my god! You poor thing. I just called up there and all the nurse could tell me was that you were alive. Thank god. You must feel terrible. 21/03, 08:15p

What real estate was infected? And…How? Are you cured now or is it IV antibiotics for weeks? 21/03, 08:16p

You don’t have to answer now. You must be exhausted, so rest. Thanks for letting me know and GET BETTER. 21/03, 08:17p

I’m actually surprisingly calm about the whole surgery piece. Mainly I think cause now they can really clean up my blood and pneumonia 21/03, 08:18p

You still have one ovary/tube, right? So it won’t mess up your hormones. And appendices are overrated. Screw the appendix. 21/03, 08:19p

I’ve been on three separate iv antibiotics for almost 72 hours. I suspect it could be a few more days. Holy shit, hey? 21/03, 08:21p

You don’t do anything halfway, do you? 21/03, 08:22p

Sorry I’m so slow but I’m a bit out of it. Xox 21/03, 08:22p

Go to sleeeeeep. So glad you are ok. Xo 21/03, 08:22p

Thank you dear friend xox 21/03, 08:23p

BTW, I keep reading ‘TV’ antibiotics from your message and am wondering what wonderful form they might take  21/03, 08:26p

Oh! You are stoned. Lovely, lovely morphine. 21/03, 08:27p

 21/03, 08:27p

What gave me away… 21/03, 08:28p

Ha! It’s like a martini that flows right into your arm. 21/03, 08:29p

Well they’ve given me a big bottle of grey goose and now I want some snacks 21/03, 08:31p

Stupid hospital. Where is your bowl of salted nuts for f*cks sake? 21/03, 08:32p

 21/03, 08:39p

22/03: Crapsticks Morning sunshine. Feeling stronger today. Had my first food in 12 days…oatmeal. With brown sugar. Totally edible. 22/03, 09:21a

Yay! Have you got any more info yet. 22/03, 10:44a

? 22/03, 10:44a

I am glad you are eating. I bought a house! Racing around today like a nutcase to try to both entertain kids and get this ready to sell. 22/03, 10:50a

01/02: Now my agent (book) wants a call. Uuuuuuuuh, scared. The only other agent who actually called me was calling to say she was leaving the business. Oof. 22/03, 11:18a

02/02: Nerve-wracking. I hope you are sleeping! Let me know what the doc says when he comes in. Sleep LOTS and enjoy your TV antibiotics. 22/03, 11:49a

Ok, now you’ve got me all in a lather…bought a house?!! Agent?!! Talk to me. Was just with physio and earlier entire family clan was in. 22/03, 11:49a

01/03: I’m at the chiro! Stupid back is out. My agent is quitting, I bet. She is calling me at 5. She was all, what time is that my time? Really? You can’t 22/03, 11:54a

02/03: figure that out? The last thing I need now is to be agent-free. Damn it. She won’t say if it is bad or good and won’t email it. Read: bad. Oh 22/03, 11:54a

03/03: NOooooooooo. But! Won’t know til later. How are you feeling? That is way more important! 22/03, 11:54a

I like to worry about someone else for a change 22/03, 12:00p

Chirp? Grrrrrr…Do you like and trust your agent? Why is she being a weeny? 22/03, 12:01p

Chiro 22/03, 12:02p

How bad is the back? My physio made me cough a lot. Now I’m tired and grumpy. 22/03, 12:03p

Aw. It was really bad yesterday, today is a bit better. 22/03, 12:03p

I bet she is quitting. Or dumping me for being slow to produce? Scared. 22/03, 12:04p

Is she a good agent? Is it hard to find a decent agent? 22/03, 12:05p

Um, not really. But she is kind if necessary. 22/03, 12:32p

Of 22/03, 12:32p

I don’t love her. I inherited her when my last agent quit. 22/03, 12:33p

I know you need an agent and change sucks. Let’s see what happens. Now tell me about the house!!!! 22/03, 12:41p

01/02: It backs on to a park. Tiny! Built in 1930-ish, but reno’d. 22/03, 12:56p

02/02: In a ubdivision that is kind of ick, but this is the original house. Tiny! Did I say that already? But charming. 22/03, 12:56p

And yours. Sounds wonderful for our commiseration evenings 22/03, 01:31p

Oh crapsticks, she quit. 22/03, 05:46p

I knew it. 22/03, 05:46p

[shakes fist at the universe] 22/03, 05:47p

You did know it. Crapsticks. Now what? 22/03, 05:47p

How are you feeling? 22/03, 05:47p

More importantly. 22/03, 05:47p

So-so. Actually eating actual chicken. 22/03, 05:48p

She says sheâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going to help me find a place to land. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see. Boo. 22/03, 05:48p

Did she say why? 22/03, 05:48p

Mmmmmmmm. Tastes like chicken! 22/03, 05:48p

Any news on your condition? 22/03, 05:49p

Not enough money to keep her afloat in NYC. 22/03, 05:49p

It’s a tough business, especially now. Sucks for me though. Other than making me rewrite this damn book 8 times, she never sold anything for me! Zut alors. 22/03, 05:51p

I’m on another antibiotic to combat some new unknown. Apparently my disease guy does not screw around. He’s cute too. And strong.* My surgeon popped in to chat and said I almost lost my uterus too. *um, weird –don’t know why I wrote that.

22/03, 05:48p

What IS it? What is causing it? Do they know? 22/03, 05:52p

That sucks about your agent but it’s understandable too. NYC is flippin expensive 22/03, 05:53p

So what about the book? 22/03, 05:54p

Enh. I’ll figure it out. I have to get the house ready first anyway! It will work out. 22/03, 05:54p

Well, I guess it’s the strep A infection in my blood and this little pneumonia thing that’s keeping my down. 22/03, 05:55p

Get house ready! Get house ready!!! Can’t wait to help you settle in new one!!! 22/03, 05:56p

How did you get strep in your blood? And organs? That’s what I don’t get. 22/03, 06:08p

Nobody knows. Sorry, mum was just here. There is a bit of a strange piece to that story (strange, egads, you say) that I will share down the line but it is all a big mystery at this stage. I’m about to take a sleeping pill, so chat in the morning xox 22/03, 08:17p

Stranger than all that’s happened so far? Can’t wait to hear. Have a good sleep. Xo 22/03, 08:18p

Xo 22/03, 08:18p

23/03: To-do lists & not dying Waiting for cute doctor. How does your cold light of day look? 23/03, 09:17a

Scary. My to-do list is terrifying. But! Back is betterish! How are you? 23/03, 09:39a

01/02: Apparently I’ve had a “toxic shift”, which is really good, they say. I guess my body was frantically making half-formed white blood cells which were of no use to me, so the infection and 23/03, 09:45a

02/02: Fiona were neck in neck. Now I guess my white blood cells are beefing up and giving the strep A shit!! Nurse says I’ll start to feel a difference in a couple of days. This is big news. 23/03, 09:45a

Yay!!!!! 23/03, 09:48a

Now I can really start to fight the pneumonia. Did I tell you they put a spigot in my back to drain the pus around my lungs. Like a tap. They just punched a whole in my back. 23/03, 09:48a

Hole 23/03, 09:49a

A whole hole 23/03, 09:49a

Hole? 23/03, 09:49a

Just like M*AH* 23/03, 09:509a

Haha, um what? 23/03, 09:51a

Forget it. Too tech-tarded 23/03, 09:52a

I am slow. No coffee yet.  or not enough. This is all good news though! So yay. 23/03, 09:53a

Yay! Go have a pot of coffee 23/03, 09:54a

I want to hear your story! I have a cup of coffee now. I need weird details. 23/03, 09:57a

But it’s not a very interesting or clever story…just a bit of a mystery. 23/03, 10:00a

Anyhoo…on the 10th, when I very first went to emerg and they sent me home with an influenza diagnosis, they had taken two urine samples and a battery of blood. 23/03, 10:03a

When I was rushed into emerg on the 19th, basically dying, some bright intern rediscovers the old samples and although I don’t know which one it was, one was growing strep a like a hothouse. That’s how they figured out what was wrong but they still don’t know how it jumped to my blood. I’m just saying there was some CSI at work. More to unravel. 23/03, 10:08a

Very mysterious! 23/03, 10:12a

And if you were in the US, you’d get rich from the lawsuit. 23/03, 10:12a

Oh my god. YIKES. 23/03, 10:29a

I am shuddering on your behalf. A tap? Ow. 23/03, 10:30a

How’s Tru doing with all of this? Luc would be freaking the hell out. 23/03, 10:30a

Tru’s not doing so well. He won’t come out anymore. I don’t blame him but I feel like Debra Winger 23/03, 04:56p

Ugh. That blows. How are you feeling? 23/03, 04:48p

Not bad. Sore, sick, and short of breath but not dying 23/03, 04:59p

And then there’s Eric… Do u want a coffee 23/03, 04:47p

No I’m ok 23/03, 04:47p

Farting up a storm over here. Doc will be pleased. 23/03, 04:48p

Excellent. I knew you had it in you. Exo 23/03, 04:55p

Ha ha 23/03, 04:47p

And back to Karen…

How did the to-do list go today? 23/03, 04:59p

01/02: Not dying is good! I blew my back out again by painting the front stairs. Stairs look good though! Now am stoned on muscle relaxants and packing up the 23/03, 05:02p

02/02: kid’s rooms. 23/03, 05:02p

You go girl. Drink some wine for me. I’m so proud of you for plunging in xo 23/03, 05:04p

01/02: Ha! Thanks. I’m reading a book with dying chracters in it, and it’s sort of contagious. I feel like I am overcoming death! Heroic! And yet really 23/03, 05:06p

02/02: just have a sore back and no perspective. (do NOT read this book). 23/03, 05:06p

I’m proud of YOU. And still kind of stunned that all this happened. 23/03, 05:10p

You and me both. Bless you for your friendship. 23/03, 05:16p

Right back at you. Xo You need to worry just about getting better. Can I bring you anything? 23/03, 05:20p

This is my hospital to-do list. I shit you not 23/03, 05:24p

You probably can’t see it but it basically says “fart” 23/03, 05:27p

Pass gas! 23/03, 05:27p

ď &#x160; 23/03, 05:27p

Fart! I am going to ping you every hour to remind you. 23/03, 05:28p

Ha! One day, you will look back on this and laugh. 23/03, 05:28p

Is it too soon? 23/03, 05:29p

01/02: Never too soon. Luc was laughing yesterday because Laura somehow poured milk UP the wall. And I was furious. Adding milk to mess is unhelpful. 23/03, 05:30p

02/02: And he said, but mummy, laughing is GOOD for you.â&#x20AC;? 23/03, 05:30p

Yay Luc!!! 23/03, 05:37p

24/03: Are you remembering to fart? Are you remembering to fart? 24/03, 12:55p

That gas is NOT going to pass itself, you know. 24/03, 01:07p

Are you ok today? You didn’t relapse, did you? 24/03, 06:42p

No…just too tired to do anything. Will update you tomorrow xox 24/03, 07:04p

Rest! Feel better. Thinking of you! 24/03, 07:05p

You too xo 24/03, 07:06p

25/03: Mort Are you ok today? Worrying, sending you good healing thoughts. Xo 25/03, 12:11p

I’m ok. I’m depressed even though there have been positive steps 25/03, 03:50p

Doc said I have one of the deadliest infections known to man. Tru told me he thought I was going to mort 25/03, 03:52p

01/02: h sweetie. I am so sorry (and also freaked out for you). Can I come up and hang out soon? Or are you too tired for visits? I’m so mad at the universe 25/03, 05:21p

02/02: for doing this to you. 25/03, 05:22p

But! Also grateful to the universe that you didn’t mort. 25/03, 05:22p

Don’t mort now. Not allowed. 25/03, 05:23p

Stupid bacteria. 25/03, 05:23p

No morting 25/03, 06:02p

Would love to see you for quick visits – late morning – early afternoon 25/03, 06:14p

Yay! Will come tomorrow morning before I get Laura from school. Do you have any wants from the outside world? 25/03, 06:21p

No wants just you xo 25/03, 07:09p

What’s your room number? 25/03, 07:10p

VGH South 704 25/03, 07:18p

01/02: k! Can’t wait to see you. And if you change your mind about wanting something, ping me in the morning. I’ll definitely be grabbing coffee downstairs 25/03, 07:20p

02/02: Can I at least bring you a T-ho? 25/03, 07:20p

26/03: Pineapples & blue cheese On my way! Want coffee? 26/03, 09:32a

No thank you 26/03, 09:53a

Sooooooooooooooo good to see you today 26/03, 02:13p

They want to do another back tap 26/03, 03:43p

So good to see you. Did you see the doctor? 26/03, 03:44p

OH NO. F*cker. That suuuuuuuuucks. 26/03, 03:44p

No doc yet but another CT scan and a few tears 26/03, 03:45p

Bugger. What is the scan for? Pneumonia? 26/03, 03:48p

Yeah 26/03, 03:48p

I’m sorry you are sad. As far as I’m concerned, you’re being heroic though. This is unbelievably shitty. 26/03, 03:49p

You’re lovely. I miss the kids 26/03, 03:50p

I know. They probably miss you like crazy. I thought Eric was bringing them after school? 26/03, 03:51p

Too busy today. Kieran has cadets at 5 26/03, 03:51p

Sucks. 26/03, 03:52p

I have to stop being a baby and name my damn pineapple already. I’m thinking Cox 26/03, 03:53p

Hospitals are horrible. It’s lonely. This is not a good time to feel lonely. So, boo. It’s all so effed up. 26/03, 03:53p

Cocks. 26/03, 03:53p

Suckers 26/03, 03:53p

Thanks friend 26/03, 03:54p

‘Suckers’ can be his last name. 26/03, 03:54p

Perf 26/03, 03:54p

Cox Suckers Jr III 26/03, 03:55p

 26/03, 03:55p

I’m coming up after drop off in the morning. Any wishes? 26/03, 03:59p

Let me think. I’m suddenly starving. Yay!!! But you have a lot of work to do…don’t sacrifice too much 26/03, 04:01p

Starving is AWESOME. Is no trouble! 26/03, 04:02p

I’m going to finish the packing/putting away tonight. The cleaners will be here in the morning. Tomorrow I am kidless until dinnertime. I have time in the morning! Tell me what to bring. 26/03, 04:04p

They are torturing the old woman in the room across from me and it is excruciating to hear 26/03, 04:10p

Remember guy with filthy kitchen/dead bird? He just texted me a long happy birthday message. Uh, my birthday is in June? 26/03, 04:11p

Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwww 26/03, 04:12p

Aw, poor lady. 26/03, 04:12p

I don’t even know what to say to him. Go away, crazy person! 26/03, 04:13p

That’s it 26/03, 04:12p

He gave back the lawn mower, at least. 26/03, 04:16p

Alpen cereal original, that’s what I want greedy me 26/03, 04:16p

Easy! 26/03, 04:17p

I’m just glad you are hungry. 26/03, 04:17p

 26/03, 04:17p

Hopefully they’ll remember my dinner tonight 26/03, 04:17p

I hope it’s something good. Wings and beer! 26/03, 04:18p

Hahaaaaa can’t wait for a beer! 26/03, 04:19p

Hurry up and get better, would you? 26/03, 04:20p

And then there’s Deanna…

Hey love, have you got or do want some company this evening? 26/03, 05:14p

I’m ok sweetums. I’m just going to rest. Smoooooch. 26/03, 05:20p

But I do want to know if Snooki will make a good mother or not? 26/03, 05:24p

And back to Karenâ&#x20AC;Ś

This is what they sent me for dinner tonight 26/03, 05:35p

Oh my god! No wonder you are hungry. 26/03, 05:37p

They are idiots 26/03, 05:38p

Make a grocery list! I’ll bring you a steak and potatoes. 26/03, 05:41p

Cheese and crackers 26/03, 06:00p

What kind? 26/03, 06:02p

Dunno…do you think I’m allowed blue or perhaps it has to be something more pedestrian 26/03, 06:06p

Mmmmmm, blue. 26/03, 06:07p

Ask a nurse? Blue might be one of those ones that does weird things with medicine. 26/03, 06:08p

27/03: Wine & Footloose

Cheese, crackers, Alpen and…? 27/03, 08:45a

That’s it! 27/03, 08:45a

You Angel! A real orange juice

27/03, 08:45a 27/03, 08:47a

Got it! On my way… 27/03, 08:49a

Hoping the tap went ok? REST. Thinking of you! 27/03, 02:03p

It was way worse I cried a lot but they gave me morphine after 27/03, 02:54p

Oh no, you poor thing. F*cker. 27/03, 05:25p

Cox Sucker III 27/03, 05:25p

How are you feeling now? 27/03, 05:34p

Sore but ok. I’m sitting in a big chair like a big girl in my wonderpants looking out the window and at my flowers and at “Jojo” (Tru named the pineapple) 27/03, 05:48p

Sitting up is good! Yay! Jojo must be proud. 27/03, 05:56p

He’s smiling at me right noe 27/03, 05:57p

Now 27/03, 05:57p

 27/03, 05:58p

How’s your back? Turns out the lady across from me is actually dying 27/03, 06:01p

I am having WINE. 27/03, 06:01p

YAYAYAYYIPPEEEEE!!! Have a dribble for me 27/03, 06:02p

Oh god. Awful. Poor lady. 27/03, 06:02p

Back is ok! Except if I sit. Boo. But really cannot complain! 27/03, 06:02p

She has her three children with her. She’s at least 90. 27/03, 06:04p

Morting is sad. 27/03, 06:04p

Wine 27/03, 06:04p

Wine and…Footloose. Eff the house, I’m taking a break. 27/03, 06:05p

I hope I see 90. New rule: no morting before 90. 27/03, 06:06p

No morting before 90. Deal. 27/03, 06:07p

28/03: What Fresh Hell Is This How are you this morning? 28/03, 09:06a

Feeling good. Detachable iv. Going on walkies. 28/03, 09:14a

Walking is awesome. Are you breathing better? 28/03, 09:15a

I think so. I guess I snorted out my oxygen tube in the night and it was no problem 28/03, 09:15a

How are you? Did you loosen up your back drinking wine and grooving to ‘let’s hear it for the boy’? 28/03, 09:17a

01/02: I fell asleep with Laura! My back sucks, but I can still move around, so that’s good. Oh, and this just in: cheap wine = brutal heartburn. Footloose 28/03, 09:17a

02/02: will have to wait for tonight. 28/03, 09:17a

Good about the tube. Maybe the tap worked? 28/03, 09:18a

New rule: no more cheap wine 28/03, 09:18a

Tap shmap. I did the work. I hate those tap people. 28/03, 09:19a

Totally. I nearly choked to death like a pathetic rock star. What an embarrassing way to mort. 28/03, 09:19a

Jahaaaaaaaaaa. NO MORTING 28/03, 09:20a

Gotta plug on my phone 28/03, 09:20a

In 28/03, 09:20a

K. I gotta go deal with the junk guys. Goodbye all the kids’ plastic outdoor toys! Good riddance. I am feeling very much like purging everything I own. 28/03, 09:21a

Bad news. They are going to put a large chest tube in now ‘cause the mfer painful tap isn’t working. I’m actually scared. 28/03, 04:04p

Holy f*ck! 28/03, 04:05p

What? 28/03, 04:05p

When? 28/03, 04:05p

Right now? 28/03, 04:13p

Waiting for the time. 28/03, 04:16p

F*ck. I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m coming up in the morning. 28/03, 04:23p

F*ck. I’m sorry. See you in the morning. 28/03, 04:27p

Let me know the time. 28/03, 04:28p

Don’t be scared, sweetie 28/03, 04:31p

It’s going to be ok. 28/03, 04:31p

Thank you. I’m telling myself that too but I don’t believe it. 28/03, 04:42p

I believe it. 28/03, 04:44p

I WILL be fine. 28/03, 04:45p

YES 28/03, 04:48p

Totally fine. PLUS all the ativan you want. 28/03, 04:50p

Are they doing it today? 28/03, 04:50p

Morphine and still waiting to hear 28/03, 04:53p

Morphine dreams! It will be ok. 28/03, 04:57p

They do this all the time. 28/03, 04:57p

Easy peasy, lemon squeezy, as the kids would say. 28/03, 04:58p

Being transferred to Jube tomorrow 28/03, 09:29p

Why? I mean, that’s great because it’s closer, but what’s the reason? 28/03, 09:30p

Tube surgeon is a Jube dude 28/03, 09:32p

Ohhhhhhhhhh. Are you ok? Did they give you ativan? I don’t want you to be scared. I know it’s going to be ok. It will work. Then it will be over and you can mend. 28/03, 09:36p

I’ve just taken my Ativan now onto the sleeping pill. I WILL survive! 28/03, 09:38p

Totally. You are going to kick ass. I’m not even worried! You have it nailed. Have a good sleep and ping me in the morning to let me know where you are! See you after drop off. 28/03, 09:45p

29/03: The Jubilee Hilton Where are you, lovely? 29/03, 09:09a

Still at VGH…waiting on a bed. Could be any minute 29/03, 09:37a

Am in parking lot! Grabbing coffee. Want anything? 29/03, 09:38a

Not allowed. Surgery. 29/03, 09:39a

Doh, of course. . Sorry. 29/03, 09:39a

But I do want! 29/03, 09:40a

Jubilee Hilton N754. 29/03, 01:48p

Gorgeous room and view. We could have coffee all morning!!! 29/03, 01:48p

Perhaps even cheese and crackers. 29/03, 01:49p

Waiting to see surgeon 29/03, 01:49p

Good luck! I’ll be up in the morning. Just upgrading my iPhone, so may be offline for a bit. Let me know what surgeon says. 29/03, 01:56p

It’s going to be FINE. I know it. 29/03, 01:56p

Will do xo 29/03, 01:57p

How are you feeling? 29/03, 01:57p

Starving 29/03, 01:59p

Tired 29/03, 01:59p

But pk 29/03, 01:59p

Drugged yet? 29/03, 02:04p

Ativan ftw. 29/03, 02:05p

Ok, not pk  29/03, 02:05p

No drugs yet. I think they might put me under 29/03, 02:06p

Ok, thinking of you! Xo you’re a star. 29/03, 02:09p

This is the first ever message I am sending from my new iPhone. So far, it’s basically the same as my old iPhone. More importantly, how are your lungs? 29/03, 02:09p

30/03: Wine is a fluid and so is blood Didn’t get back to my room from surgery till 2 a.m., sleeping pill not working worth a damn. Pretty sore. Will text your fancy iPhone in the morning. Xo 30/03, 04:52a

On my way up! Want any T-Ho? 30/03, 08:53a

Coffee!!!!!!!! 30/03, 08:57a

Cream and sugar? 30/03, 08:59a

Just cream…and strong!! Please and thank you 30/03, 09:00a

Well? Any weeders or lino dudes? 30/03, 05:13p

Ha! This one guy came by to do the garden. In a brand new Audi. $600, he said. I guess he makes over $100/hr! Nice. And he wasn’t even going to do it properly, just shovel it out. 30/03, 05:33p

So some guy from Craigslist is doing it for $20/hr on Sunday. Hope he doesn’t stand me up. 30/03, 05:34p

How are you feeling? 30/03, 05:34p

Yay Craigslist! I’m sure he’ll show. I’m actually feeling much better, that is until my dinner of chicken broth and banana pudding arrived. 30/03, 06:16p

He better! 30/03, 06:25p

Banana pudding. Ewwwwww. 30/03, 06:25p

Did you get that apple crisp? 30/03, 06:25p

I’m on this stupid fluid only diet. Mmmmmm apple crisp 30/03, 06:27p

Wine is a fluid. Just sayin’. 30/03, 06:28p

You are saying! I’m still craving that beer. 30/03, 06:30p

Me too. Beer on a patio somewhere. 30/03, 06:33p

What about my penthouse suite?! 30/03, 06:33p

That works. 30/03, 06:34p

 30/03, 06:34p

Wait til you kick your morphine habit though. 30/03, 06:37p

Why? 30/03, 06:39p

Whoo! Toothless ex-junkie lino guy is showing up at 9 tomorrow! Winning. 30/03, 06:39p

Yay!!! 30/03, 06:40p

I don’t know? 30/03, 06:40p

 30/03, 06:40p

I’m bringing beer tomorrow. Eff it 30/03, 06:40p

Just a little one? Hey, you’re busy tomorrow with house and kids. Take a Fiona break. 30/03, 06:42p

I’m kidless! Weekend at Daddy’s. But your mum is there, right? Why don’t you ping me when you want company? Or coffee? Or beer? Or both. Your five minutes away now. 30/03, 06:43p

You’re. Doh. 30/03, 06:43p

 30/03, 06:44p

Ok. I’ll ping ya. Xox 30/03, 06:45p

Have a good rest! SLEEP. I’m tacking the basement. 30/03, 06:46p

Tackling. 30/03, 06:46p

X 30/03, 06:46p

Forgot to tell you they want to do a blood transfusion 30/03, 08:05p

Good. That will make you feel better. Feeling elderly better is not Just for the elderly! 30/03, 08:10p

Don’t worry about the risks then? I’m not feeling lucky these days. 30/03, 08:15p

Hmmmm. Depends. Should I google “risks”? What are the risks? 30/03, 08:16p

Hep C and HIV 30/03, 08:16p

Really? The blood isn’t screened? WTF? 30/03, 08:17p

1 in 1 million for Hep C…1 in 3 mill for HIV 30/03, 08:19p

Well, shit. I guess it’s an acceptable risk. It’s super low. 30/03, 08:20p

Not feeling lucky 30/03, 08:20p

Stupid? 30/03, 08:20p

Ugh. Is it optional? Google isn’t reassuring. 30/03, 08:21p

My hemoglobin is 70 – supposed to be 150 30/03, 08:22p

I mean, it’s really really low risk. I think they are just such scary words, it makes even ‘tiny’ seem like a lot. 30/03, 08:22p

I’m just a big fat chicken 30/03, 08:23p

No! You are smart to weigh risks. Who said you needed one? Doc said 70 was acceptable. 30/03, 08:24p

Dr. Google says UNDER 70 is transfusion-worthy. 70 is ok. 30/03, 08:26p

Yeah, but he was singing a different tune today 30/03, 08:28p

We’re supposed to “decide” tomorrow 30/03, 08:29p

Below 60, definitely. I don’t know. 70-90 seems to be the goal, postop. Did he say why? 30/03, 08:29p

Move things along I think 30/03, 08:30p

Maybe it will get higher overnight? Then you won’t have to worry. These risks are tiny though. And it might get you home sooner… 30/03, 08:31p

It will DEFINITELY make you feel better. 30/03, 08:33p

Thanks sweetums xo 30/03, 08:30p

Don’t panic. It’s going to work out. Take some of that lovely Ativan and try to rest. You can have my blood! It’s clean. 30/03, 08:31p

31/03: A coughing up a lung old man day Today is not a pretty day. It is a coughing up a lung old man ugly day 31/03, 07:59a

Oh no. But does that mean that all the crap in your lungs is finally loose enough to cough up? 31/03, 08:04a

YES!!! 31/03, 08:04a

So that’s good! Are you transfusing yet? 31/03, 08:05a

No doc yet. Waiting for breakfast and the day’s plan. 31/03, 08:06a

Jello, FTW. 31/03, 08:06a

Yellow Jello methinks 31/03, 08:07a

Mmmmmmmmm. That’ll give you strength. We need to invent some kind of Jello that is actually infused with protein and vitamins. Then hospitals can continue to pretend Jello is a meal, but patients might actually get some benefit from it. 31/03, 08:09a

Exactly. WTF…how is anyone supposed to get stronger? I’m going to eat the rice krispie square Deanna left if I don’t get some food soon. 31/03, 08:11a

It’s a mystery to me. Jello is sugar and food coloring. What is the benefit of that? Dumb. You need bacon and eggs. 31/03, 08:14a

Oh, bacon and eggs…yes please 31/03, 08:17a

Hemo is 61 so no choice now 31/03, 08:21a

Oh f*ck. No choice, no. Wtf? Why is it dropping? Do you have an internal bleed? Are they calling a surgeon? 31/03, 08:29a

I don’t know what’s going on. I just feel like crap. 31/03, 08:33a

I’m sorry, sweetie. It will definitely make you feel better. But it sucks. Wtf? I wish you could just catch a break. 31/03, 08:34a

What time is your mum coming? 31/03, 08:35a

1 pm. Doc was just in and thinks the infection just wiped out too much of my blood. He’s doing an xray to make sure no blood is collecting in my lungs. 31/03, 08:40a

Ok. Well, that’s good. You aren’t coughing up blood are you? 31/03, 08:41a

No 31/03, 08:46a

Good. 31/03, 08:48a

It’s going to be ok. The new blood will give you the strength you need. 31/03, 08:48a

 31/03, 09:00a

And Eric… Morning baby, we are coming by around 830. How you doin? Exo 31/03, 07:19a

Wanna coffee 31/03, 08:50a

No thanks. 31/03, 08:51a

Maybe it’s not a good time to come. They have to do transfusion asap 31/03, 08:51a

I’m really not doing so great 31/03, 08:52a

Wtf. Tru is real keen but we can abort. E 31/03, 08:53a

No, I want to see T really bad 31/03, 08:54a

I’m just not looking so good 31/03, 08:54a

There asap 31/03, 08:55a

31/03: Lino dude & bedpans Doing ok, lovely? Am worrying about you. 31/03, 11:53a

I’m ok. First part of transfusion is done. I’m running a bit of a fever, so trying to catch a nap. Will ping xox 31/03, 12:04p

Ok, good sleep. Feel better. Sending you good-health vibes. Xo 31/03, 12:05p

Xo 31/03, 12:09p

Did the lino dude and weeding fellow show? 31/03, 05:01p

I can have food!!!!!! 31/03, 05:02p

Lino dude has been here all day. He’s beginning to depress me. How are you feeling??? 31/03, 05:02p

Transfusions are done 31/03, 05:02p

Yay! And? Better-USB? 31/03, 05:02p

Ish. Not USB. Wtf spellcheck? 31/03, 05:03p

Weird 31/03, 05:03p

Still there? Why on earth? 31/03, 05:03p

Because he is not a good LISTENER. 31/03, 05:03p

The lino dude? 31/03, 05:03p

School him 31/03, 05:03p

I think heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;sâ&#x20AC;ŚMentally challenged. 31/03, 05:04p

I gathered that from the toothless comment 31/03, 05:04p

Do you feel strong and fierce now? 31/03, 05:04p

Not strong nor fierce just not face down 31/03, 05:04p

Hmmmm. Well, not face down is better than face down. 31/03, 05:04p

Urination misadventures today 31/03, 05:05p

Who did you pee on? 31/03, 05:05p

Myself 31/03, 05:05p

Bedpan overfloweth 31/03, 05:06p

Aw. Ew. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a much funnier story if you hit someone else with the spray. 31/03, 05:06p

Then we tried the commode 31/03, 05:06p

Commode FTW! 31/03, 05:07p

Well, they had to sponge bath me and change the disgusting sheets so it was not all in vain 31/03, 05:07p

Ha. Well, good. Every time the bed gets sweaty, just pee in it. Clean sheets! Magic! 31/03, 05:08p

Hee hee…just pee!!!! 31/03, 05:09p

Have you ever tried to wipe yourself on a commode with a giant white tube hanging out of your side while having a blood transfusion? 31/03, 05:09p

Let me think… 31/03, 05:10p

Um…No. Never! 31/03, 05:10p

It’s very challenging. Oh, and with someone watching 31/03, 05:10p

Haaaaaa. No, I totally can’t pee with an audience. 31/03, 05:11p

Get rid of the lino dude. He CANNOT spend the night. 31/03, 05:12p

He used my hand towel to block off the toilet hole. 31/03, 05:13p

He hates me. 31/03, 05:15p

Sorry. Whisked off to xray. Is Mr. Disgusting gone? 31/03, 06:53p

NO. Omg, you will not believe this. He broke the toilet, flooded the ceiling, f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck, 31/03, 06:54p

F*ck. 31/03, 06:54p

Wtf? How did he do that? 31/03, 06:54p

Sweet Jesus. 31/03, 06:54p

I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t know! He had to move the toilet to do the floor? 31/03, 06:55p

It was the washer! The bolt! The wax ring! 31/03, 06:56p

OMG. This sounds like a movie nightmare thing 31/03, 06:56p

Ridonkulous! 31/03, 06:56p

I would kill him if I didn’t then have to hide the body. 31/03, 06:58p

I’m concerned 31/03, 06:58p

You’re alone with dimwit and it’s getting dark 31/03, 06:59p

He’s a few bricks short a load 31/03, 07:00p

I think he is almost done. The tap is dripping but I don’t want him to try and fix it, for f*cks sake. 31/03, 07:00p

TEN hours to install a piece of lino 6ft x 6ft! 31/03, 07:01p

I hate him. 31/03, 07:01p

I hate him 31/03, 07:01p

I’m not paying. Curtis can. F*ck that noise. 31/03, 07:01p

You text swear really fabulously 31/03, 07:02p

 31/03, 07:02p

Everyone has a skill. I text swear and do really well on standardized tests. That’s about it though. 31/03, 07:02p

Never mind that, how are you? What did X-ray say? 31/03, 07:03p

Xray dude would not reveal his secrets 31/03, 07:03p

X-ray guys are often inscrutable. 31/03, 07:03p

Do you feel better yet? 31/03, 07:04p

Semi-better. Dr. D said I might even go home Tuesday!!!! 31/03, 07:05p

For real?????? 31/03, 07:05p

For realsies 31/03, 07:06p

That means wine, right? 31/03, 07:06p

Oh my god, that is great! 31/03, 07:06p

Get a tube or two out tomorrow and start rocking this floor 31/03, 07:06p

Tuesday is the day everything turns around. I know it. You home. Luc’s birthday. First open house. 31/03, 07:07p

Yay Tuesday! 31/03, 07:07p

I hiding in the basement do he doesn’t talk to more. My house reeks of smoker. 31/03, 07:07p

I’m hiding in the basement so he doesn’t talk to me more. Grammar fail. 31/03, 07:07p

I’m feeling creeped out for you 31/03, 07:08p

Get rid of him!!!!! 31/03, 07:09p

He just left! 31/03, 07:13p

He was all “Call anytime! I can help with lots of things!” Uh, no? 31/03, 07:14p

But! As he lives in a mental health unit, there is always someone there to answer the phone. 31/03, 07:16p

So that’s handy. 31/03, 07:16p

OMG 31/03, 07:16p

I’m so glad he’s gone 31/03, 07:17p

I hope the gardener is competent. I have my doubts though. 31/03, 07:16p

Deanna is bringing me scrambled eggs in the morning and my cousin is bringing a big wheel burger for lunch. I am suddenly obsessed with food. 31/03, 07:19p

Random interjection 31/03, 07:19p

At least the gardener can’t break anything 31/03, 07:20p

I’m sure the gardener can break things. And will. 31/03, 07:21p

I hope the gardener is competent. I have my doubts though. 31/03, 07:21p

Yay! I’m so glad you are hungry. The transfusion was the answer. 31/03, 07:21p

What is a Big Wheel burger? 31/03, 07:21p

What???!!!? 31/03, 07:21p

What what? 31/03, 07:21p

My cousin, who wants to meet you because I told him you are hot, is part owner 31/03, 07:23p

It’s all the rage 31/03, 07:24p

I have not had Big Wheel! I’ve been robbed! 31/03, 07:26p

Tomorrow 11:30 my penthouse suite 31/03, 07:24p

Ooooh, tempting. But I have to garden with Honey-do Dave.  31/03, 07:26p

Honey-do Dave? 31/03, 07:28p

Craigslist. He sounded harmless. He’s probably 200 years old. 31/03, 07:28p

I like the sound of him 31/03, 07:29p

Wear gloves….there’s bacteria in that soil  31/03, 07:30p

Toooooooo late. 31/03, 07:30p

Noooooo!!!! Gloves!!!!! 31/03, 07:31p

Ok, chicken, you have a good night. I can relax now knowing dimwit is gone. 31/03, 07:31p

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m aiming for wine! Have a good rest. Xo 31/03, 07:34p

01/04: Strong like an ox?

How are you this morning? Strong like an ox? 01/04, 08:43a

Well, this morning I felt like a crappy bag of crap but I am starting to feel a bit better. They are going to take one chest tube outâ&#x20AC;Śyay!!! Ouch. How goes the gardening? 01/04, 01:04p

Did you just call me a Ho? 01/04, 01:05p

Hahaaaaa 01/04, 01:06p

More importantly: did you eat a burger? 01/04, 01:06p

No. Too nauseated from drugs. 01/04, 01:09p

Oh NO. That is shitty. 01/04, 01:10p

I’m sorry. About the burger. When are they de-tubing you? What’s your hemoglobin today? 01/04, 01:10p

89 01/04, 01:12p

Good! 01/04, 01:13p

My dad fixed the toilet! Huzzah. 01/04, 03:04p

And he’s back: “Wish me luck. I’m getting married” (dead bird guy) 01/04, 03:19p

He’s never going to leave me alone, is he? 01/04, 03:20p

WTF?!!!! 01/04, 03:39p

Dead bird guy is getting married and your dad fixed the toilet. I’m so confused. 01/04, 04:02p

Ha. Yes. Except dead bird guy isn’t getting married; it’s a trick to get me to text him back! Unrelated: dad fixed toilet. 01/04, 04:13p

Seriously?! Birdman not Dad. 01/04, 05:02p

Yes! How do I make him go away? “Ignore” is not working. 01/04, 05:03p

Tell him you’re getting married too 01/04, 05:04p

To a woman! 01/04, 05:04p

CHAZ! 01/04, 05:05p

Totally.  01/04, 05:06p

Tell me how you are. 01/04, 05:08p

Better. Down one tube and hoping rest come out tomorrow. Don’t need drugs if I don’t have tubes. Won’t have nausea if I don’t have drugs. Sounds like going home and wine time! 01/04, 05:10p

Yay, yes. Stupid tubes. But it must have worked if they are taking them out? 01/04, 05:13p

Yes. My xrays “looked good” and there’s not much coming out, so…bugger off weird plastic things inside my body 01/04, 05:15p

YES. Totally. 01/04, 05:16p

02/04: Oxycontin & sugar & beer

Coming up after junk guys leave. What can I bring? Life-giving coffee? 02/04, 08:50a

No thanks. 02/04, 08:53a

Want anything at all? I am in Safeway as we speak. The world is your oyster! Well, sort of. 02/04, 08:55a

Oh, change of plans, coming now. 01/04, 09:00a

Sorry about being stoned out of my head earlier. And the drool. Still was good to see your face and sad Cher won’t buy Chaz a penis. Do we have to do EVERYTHING?! 02/04, 03:42p

I think maybe it should be like “grow-a-reader” – “grow-a-penis”. What do you think? Are you feeling better? 02/04, 04:01p

Oooooooohh 02/04, 04:35p

I’m feeling better. They switched me to that super-addictive drug oxy-whatsit, about which I jokingly said to Eric about a month ago: if I’m in the hospital and they try to give me that, don’t let them 02/04, 04:38p

Drat. 02/04, 05:02p

But OxyContin! Totes trendy! 02/04, 05:02p

Weird huh but it is so far waaaaaayyy better than morphine 02/04, 05:03p

It must be good! All the celebs use it. It should be endorsed by the stars. 02/04, 05:04p

By Chaz even 02/04, 05:05p

Ha! See? OxyContin gives you marketing genius! We can get OxyContin to sponsor Chaz’s telethon. 02/04, 05:07p

Perf. Hey, have a good night with the kids. All ready for the big events tomorrow? Excited? Nervous? You are so strong to have just made a decision and moved on. 02/04, 05:07p

We’ll see how it goes! Almost everything is done, except birthday wrapping, etc. We are going to Moxie’s tonight for the special volcano dessert. We have already had giant pre-birthday cupcakes. Sugar high! 02/04, 05:09p

You’re an awesome Mum. Have fun!!!! 02/04, 05:10p

Xo. See you after drop off tomorrow! 02/04, 05:10p

Be there or be square. 02/04, 05:11p

I’ll be here and not drooling; I promise! 02/04, 05:12p

Beeeeeer! Get out of there, quick! Is yummy. 02/04, 06:15p

Beer. Mmmmmm. Wine. Mmmmmmmm. 02/04, 06:16p

Stop teasing me 02/04, 06:16p

Motivating you! Get better already! 02/04, 06:17p

 02/04, 06:17p

 02/04, 06:276p

03/04: Happy Birthday! And poop. Happy Birthday, Luc!!! Well done, Mummy!! 03/04, 06:22a

 03/04, 06:57a

I just pooped out a house 03/04, 08:10a

Ha ha. Eeeew 03/04, 08:36a

And the nurse just sniffed it: “Doesn’t smell like c. diff.” 03/04, 08:38a

Nooooooooooo 03/04, 08:39a

Seriously. Do a real test or something. 03/04, 08:38a

Seriously. 03/04, 08:39a

On my way! Want any coffee or the like? 03/04, 08:48a

Ok…hottie doctor was just in. 03/04, 04:36p

He said that while he didn’t want to call it “negligence”, he said there was a “missed opportunity” to treat me 03/04, 04:36p

Lawsuit! 03/04, 04:47p

He also entertained the catheter theory 03/04, 04:48p

Always thinking you are. I think a sternly worded letter is a minimum when you are up to it. Maybe the bitchy nurse will be more careful in the future. 03/04, 04:49p

He said it only takes 2 days for strep to grow and someone should have made the connection 03/04, 04:50p

TWO days? They should have called you days ago. 03/04, 04:52p

I mean, days before. 03/04, 04:52p

Yes. 03/04, 04:52p

Forgot the most important part. Duh. Dr. Hottie said if I had been put on penicillin on day 3 or 4, NONE of this would have happened 03/04, 05:15p

What????? 03/04, 05:17p

Law+suit 03/04, 05:19p

Don’t want to upset my karma…as good as it is 03/04, 05:19p

You nearly DIED. Not ok. 03/04, 05:17p

Um, true 03/04, 05:20p

Maybe I’ll talk to a lawyer for an opinion 03/04, 05:20p

Do it. I would. Seriously. Not for the money, but so there is a repercussion. 03/04, 05:22p

Policy change. Follow up. Why keep an f*ing sample if you’re not going to follow up? 03/04, 05:23p

No kidding. That is irresponsible. Is that the lab or the hospital? 03/04, 05:24p

Hospital. The sample was sitting in emerg 03/04, 05:25p

F*ckers. 03/04, 05:28p

04/04: Home They’re kicking me out at 10 am. Should we reconvene at my house Thursday morning? 04/04, 05:47a

Yay!!!! 04/04, 07:34a

So? Are you at home??? 04/04, 11:21a

Home. Just napped and showered and now exhausted again 04/04, 02:50p

Rest! I’m so glad you are home!!! 04/04, 11:21a

The Month I almost Died: PART 1  

side-splitting, gut-busting NEAR-DEATH tale of a 40-something mom-of-two packed with BURSTS of friendship, bodily functions, mystery, divorc...

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