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Fiction Fix Her children's diapers were cleaner, their hair much longer, their skin smoother; their stumps fell in three days. She remembered very well that her milk flowed like a river, her blood after delivery went away like a tide, her baby stopped making sad faces as soon as she would wave her right hand. Overall, it was a sharp contrast: her granddaughter's instincts kicked in right away, but her own motherly—or grandmotherly—instincts took time to surface, saddened, hardened, restrained by her hard and long life.

24 They all ask: after it passed, what can you say about your motherly feelings, your instincts? How were those nine months? They all know the known, but whatever is known by them is simply not true. "Nine months is nothing except a physiological marathon," I address those who bought a familiar story of mother's glow and gnawing love. "The body does everything by itself; you have no control. It struggles, it stretches, it stringently aches. The days are measured by weight gain, heavy breasts, high blood pressure, the heavy burden of a womb, by a baby's heartbeat." It is society—I say—that paints a rosy motherhood with blushing cheeks. It is simply not like that. A mother cannot love what she has yet to inspect. You have to know somebody to love them. For me, there were no dreams—who will this baby be? There were no dreams of family vacations, of Chanukah gifts, of a son "who will be a mother's protector." Or of a grown girl playing the violin. My body was simply full with a baby; my mind was mulling over this white monitor, those black lines… Then I stop short: if it is only a physiological marathon, why, instead of catching my breath when crossing a bumpy, rambunctious field, am I trying to catch every thought that crosses my mind?

25 On New Year's Eve you turned nine months, and your great grandfather turned ninety six—or, if we would clock him, we'd say "four until a hundred." In your age, you count birthdays by months: on the first of each month, your grandparents visit and bring you a cake with several candles,

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Fiction Fix, Issue 9  

The Creative Nonfiction Issue, guest edited by author and award-winning teacher Mark Ari, includes 12 works of Creative Nonfiction and artwo...

Fiction Fix, Issue 9  

The Creative Nonfiction Issue, guest edited by author and award-winning teacher Mark Ari, includes 12 works of Creative Nonfiction and artwo...

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