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Rosalyn Nye

Daughter of Bill Nye the Science Guy It's time to throw out all those bulldog T-shirts, toe rings and toilet seat covers. Last week, the Freedom school board voted to officially change the school mascot from a bulldog to a unicorn. In an effort to increase school spirit, Freedom also acquired Eunice, a live unicorn. “We want to foster a different attitude within the district, letting kids know that they have the power to accomplish whatever they choose,” Superintendent Dr. Sofo said. The mascot switch will happen at a cost of nearly $3 million. Given the already tight budget for next year, the change could result in increasing class sizes to 300 and shortening the school day by four hours, “a necessary evil,” according to Dr. Sofo. Improving School Spirit “It‟s no secret that many sports teams at Freedom have not been achieving the results our school and community hope for,” Dr. Staub said. “This mascot change is going to raise the morale of both students and athletes. A bulldog is limiting, a common dog. But a unicorn, a unicorn can do anything.” Staub went on to say that bulldogs are essentially captured creatures, living under domestication, while unicorns better reflect the definition of Freedom. Carin‟ For the „Corn The school board decided that care of the live unicorn would fall to Mr. Hickey; his new title being Director of Technology and Unicorn Care. “We felt that Mr. Hickey didn‟t have enough to occupy his time. With running back and forth between the high school, middle school, and elementary schools, answering students‟ questions, and doing repairs, he just had too much free time,” Dr. Sofo said. Woodshop students were asked to build a stable to house the unicorn. “We truly want to get everybody as

Amanda “Hryckowian”

Sounds like “asidnancasfioncs9hf” Due to Governor Tom Corbett‟s most recent and devastating budget cut, Freedom High School has decided to declare bankruptcy. The administration approved the decision early Monday morning after an emergency school board meeting. The recent budget cut left Freedom with only roughly $500 that will be used

Melanie Soca$h, Ke$ha’s Cousin

Mr. Hickey, head of Unicorn Care, loves Eunice. You should too. involved as possible with this change, to really bring the school together,” Dr. Staub said. Demolishin‟ the Dog The large concrete bulldog in the front of the school is scheduled to be imploded in the upcoming week. A life-size model of our unicorn will be built in its place with industrial-strength sparkles incorporated into the concrete to replicate the splendor of Eunice‟s


In order to completely move forward with the changing of the mascot, a bonfire will take place midApril in a ceremonial burning of all bulldog-adorned Freedom attire. “I‟m really excited to get rid of all my dogcovered clothing,” Junior Tabitha McHuggins said. “Those silly old things were definitely holding me back from reaching my full potential.”

toward running the building during the paying to use the water fountain, renting upcoming academic year. lockers, and using the rest“These budget cuts have put us “We’re in a bit rooms. Students will be able in a bit of a pickle,” Dr. Staub to rent lockers on a daily basis of a pickle. said. for $1. In order to save money The solution? and ensure a locker for the In order to add to the minWe eat the uscule allotment of $500, the entire year, students can pay a pickle,” administration has decided to one-time fee of $100. place tolls on “unnecessary stuStudents will also be charged ~Dr. Staub dent privileges.” These changes a co-pay before seeing the will be effective immediately after Easter nurse. The initial cost will be $10 and Break. Some of these daily fees include from there the other fees will range from

a simple $3 band-aid stop to a $25 visit to lay down and possibly have a parent called. “After years and years of medical school, it‟s nice to have the students give back and appreciate all that we do by paying to see us,” head nurse Mrs. Potter said. More serious measures will be taken to reduce the school‟s spending during See BANKRUPT, Page 2


FHS Press > getting cut

vending machines will now exclusively be filled with hot dogs. Chief Wa-nah-eeta-ottd-awg Due to the discounts for bulk pricing on After the extremely successful Dogs for hot dogs, Freedom will also be offering them Dawgs gimmick was launched last spring to for lunch every day in the cafeteria. And, if promote school spirit, FHS is introducing a you don‟t like that, you can have a hot dog. new initiative to incorporate hot dogs into A pilot program was introduced a few every single function and aspect of the high weeks ago during math classes to confirm that school. the hot dogs do increase test scores, hone a “School spirit had always been an issue student‟s short attention span and expand their for us,” Dr. Staub said. “These hot dogs have weak brain muscles. Following the success of changed that completely, and we‟re just taking this classroom test, free hot dogs will be given this idea and using it towards the advancement out and incorporated into every part of the FHS in all other aspects of student activities.” curriculum. Students may notice a few things changMath teacher Mrs. Hastings said, “I have ing over the next few weeks; for example, the never aced so many Algebra students in my 30year teaching career! Those dogs are magic.” The pilot has proved to the administration that hot dogs really do increase brain matter by up to 36 percent. All academics will change their curriculums entirely, in order to follow the new principle of Hot Dawg Based Learning. Chemistry classes will be studying the composition of the dogs, and actually growing their own in hopes of saving the school‟s completely bottomed-out budget. English classes will be reading The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair, which is a book about how wonderful hot dogs are. Math classes will be projecting the probability of how much actual meat will be in the hot dogs by the end of next year; their latest survey says the dogs are already down to 3 percent beef, 97 percent mysterious animal parts. Surprisingly, the idea of incorporating the dogs everywhere is being fairly wellreceived by the student body. Sophomore Jon Deare Photos by Brianna Haglan / “Human” enjoys the food incorporated Sophomore Sarah Choflet cares for her into the new Hot Dawg Based Learning program. plastic infant by feeding her a nutri“The part where we get tious hot dog. The hot-dog-style baby free hot dogs constantly… carrier provides ample lumbar support yeah…that‟s definitely the for her growing child. best.”

March 32st, 2011

Emily Francis

BANKRUPT, From page 1

the painstakingly cold winter months. The administration thought that they would not be able to supply heat after analyzing the cost of heating the school on a severely reduced budget. Luckily, CONRAIL has donated numerous coal incinerators which will be installed in every classroom so that the unused books can be burned. Along with the addition of coal burners, the school will no longer

invest any money in purchasing paper or writing utensils. “I‟m glad that there isn‟t going to be any use for pencils. I tried holding a pencil the other day for old time‟s sake and my hand instantly cramped up and I got three fractured fingers,” freshman Victor Welch said. Due to the auditorium only being used for the annual Drama Club production, it will be converted to the main lecture-style classroom. One class that will be using the audito-

rium is Economics. This will all be done in an effort to save money by not having to light or heat rooms. Regular classroom sizes will also be increased to assure that no room is being wasted where students can be learning. “We want our students to be exceptionally prepared for college in high school, and establishing lecture halls and increasing class sizes from 30 to 300 will do just that,” Dr. Staub said.

Above: Sophomore Emilee Baker sacrifices a hot dog in the name of science in order to determine the temperature at which these complex dogs explode. Left: Class President Zachary J. Wilson XIV has replaced 50 percent of his cabinet members with hot dogs for nail- (or hot dog) biting decisions.

March 32th, 2011


FHS Press does not endorse the clubbing of baby seals

option that seemed plausible was to After the loss of all hope enquarantine the school. They locked the tirely, Facebook was once again reA very unhappy person football team and the band in the gym stored after two very long weeks of Scientists and medical profession- together hoping for a fight to break repairs. Students returned to their selfals alike were initially dumbfounded out, but an hour later, they found the centered, argumentative ways once by a disease that was showing up two groups planning which fight songs they were able to post snide comthroughout Freedom High School. It would motivate the team for the 2011- ments, mundane status updates and affected the entire student body and 2012 season. pictures resembling animals. spread rapidly. “When I saw a couple kids in the halls getting along and being polite to each other, I was suspicious. But then I saw everyone in the cafeteria holding hands and singing Kumbaya, and I knew something drastic needed to be done,” the school nurse said. But it was too late. Students who haven‟t talked to each other in 10 years had already formed lasting friendships, and students could be seen skipping down the hallways, hand-inhand. That was when school officials brought in the Center for Disease Control. “We couldn‟t risk this disaster spreading to other neighboring districts,” Dr. Staub said. “Sure, these effects may be good now, but who knows what this could mean in the Brianna Haglan, the closest person with a camera long run.” At first, doctors didn‟t know what Throughout the epidemic, students could be found loitering the halls forming love circles and bully-free zones. to do to cure this outbreak. The only

Brianna Haglan

Have you been infected?! Do you frolic through meadows in your spare time? Do you have laugh lines on your face at age 16? Do you give away flowers to random pedestrians? Do you give away hot dogs to random pedestrians? Do you hold hands with your friends whilst* you skip happily to class? Do you bake cakes filled with rainbows and hugs? *Kusich, J., et al. FHS Press, Issues 1-9. 2011.

Soul-stealing paraphernalia spotted in halls Students cower in fear as ‘evil little mystery boxes’ invade local high school Freshman Ray Harman was sitting in the library when his attack occurred. Communist “I heard a clicking sound, and then this Recently there has been a wave of beam of light came out of nowhere and fear spreading through FHS. Some stujust completely blinded me. It was dents have been seen roaming the halls freaky,” Harman said. with a portable electronic apparatus, One unsuspecting junior was on the scaring other students and forcing some way to English and was overtaken by to perform acrobatics to avoid its farnewspaper geek Emily Bittner. “Yeah, reaching range. some newspaper kid came after me with this strange black thing,” Steve Garmin said. “I tried to run away, but the halls were crowded and she was really determined. I think she got me.” “Every time that thing flashes, another piece of my soul is stolen,” Sophomore Mandy Jenkins said. “I avoid those newspaper kids at all costs. Once, I ran Sarah Choflet, Heartless Spirit Snatcher into the boys‟ Other unsuspecting victims find themselves cowering locker room so one of them would stop in terror underneath desks, barely escaping the trying to harm my clutches of the soul-stealing, bright black boxes.

Rosalyn Nye

soul.” Dr. Jeanine Hendricks, leading researcher at the American Institution of Research on the Soul and Other Invisible Bodily Sanctums, has been studying the effects of these electronic devices for 11 years. “Exposure is fine in moderation,” she says. “Each flash of the picturetaking apparatus takes such a small portion of the soul that the effects are miniscule. One would have to be captured on film dozens of times before any negative consequences occurred.” “People can further reduce the effects by not looking directly at the device or shielding the face with the hands,” Dr. Hendricks said. This can give the added benefit of looking particularly attractive in photographs. Newspaper nerd Emily Francis says she is aware of the soul-stealing effects of the electronic device but really doesn‟t care. “Look, we‟ve got a newspaper and yearbook to get out. We need to use the picture-taking mechanism so students don‟t have to just read things. Besides, it‟s not like your soul lasts forever anyway. People just need to get over themselves,” Francis said.

Rosalyn Nye, Soul-stealing Communist

An unidentified student employs the double-open-palm technique to safeguard his soul. One recent study indicates this maneuver also improves attractiveness.


Appalling. Shocking. Ludicrous. Insulting. These words are all descriptors of the April Fool‟s edition of the FHS Press. There are numerous national, international, and in-state issues that are overflowing every single newsroom in America, and what does the FHS Press write about? Tomfoolery, ballyhoo, and made-up, silly stories. They call themselves professional? We call them really -really-ridiculously-not-professional. Japan is facing a catastrophic humanitarian crisis, the education system in our great state of Pennsylvania is being threatened, and there is the possibility of the NFL going on strike next season. There are serious issues plaguing this country - like when Charlie Sheen‟s next webcast is airing - and these kids are trying to tell us that unicorns and


hot dogs are more important? No. Freedom may be facing a budget cut of more than 10 percent, which would prompt major changes in every student‟s way of life, and this newspaper is displaying childish photos of duck faces. Clearly their priorities are not in order. You know what you should do right now? Stop reading this article and either throw it away or burn it. This pointless stack of papers does not even deserve recycling. When you think about it, the Print Media Workshop class is making the rest of this school look bad with these shenanigans they‟re producing. There are many things of worthy report that the teens of Freedom Area High School are doing to benefit their community, like maintaining Facebook pages and supporting the productivity of local fast food merchants. Sadly, the miniscule number of students who produce this rubbish are making a bad name for the entire student body. Furthermore, whoever picked this group of students did an extremely poor job of scouring the school for talent. It should hardly even be considered a class anyway. What do those kids even do besides take pictures and scrapbook them? A 5-year-old could do that, probably better. When it comes down to it, everyone responsible for the newspaper and yearbook is ugly and smells.

FHS Press — Editorial Board The Boss: The brother of Taio: The news lover: The one with a family band: The one with strange hair: The one who bakes heart-shaped cakes: The 2nd-most famous name to include a $: The one who is nicknamed a Disney fawn: The one who wears ties and stands around:

Emily Francis Jake Cruise Sarah Choflet Emily Bittner Taylar McCoy Jordan Kusich Melanie Soca$h Amanda Hryckowian “Snakebite” Hartman

Letter to the Editor Apparently professionalism is a consept Freedom has thrown out the window. Nobody‟s perfect, and every body makes mistakes…the newspaper and D-TV are just really, really well at it. I find at least, like, eightteen errors everytime i read a issue of FHS Press. You would think by highschool we‟d learn to write good… or at least proofread. I four one learned to capitalize all letters of any title back in 3rd grade, and never would you catch me mispelling students name or using run-on sentences or fragments or something as careless as forgetting a period I know it has to be slightly difficult to write all of articles and put every thing together in time, but maybe if the topics we‟re intresting it would make up for the silly errors; I swear all the the the newspaper does is complain any more. I can‟t stand complainers. Hypocrites, to.

Don‟t even get myself started about Dog-TV. They are just as guilty when it comes to grammer and other mistakes. I‟ll admit it is probly even harder to create a daily product. But for something performed daily, shouldn‟t practice make perfect? In D-TV‟s case, it all seems to do is make more mistakes. I see a word spelled rong or inacurate information posted at least once a month. And come on, how hard is it to correctly read of a screen? It‟s not like you have to memorize the information.I could do the announcements in my sleep. Backwards. In spanish. I don‟t mean to be Debbiedowner; I just don‟t know how these productions are satisfied w/ coming off so unprofesional. Let‟s hope our students are well at math and science, cuz those PSSA reading and writing scores are bound to be dis apointment. We want to hear from you! Not that we will though. We can‟t possibly understand how much effort writing a short 250-character letter must take. But, if by some miracle you have the strength to make it through, you can send feedback to

And then these guys: Liz Brunner, Rosalyn Nye, Brianna Haglan, Zac Wilson Editorial Policies: The FHS Press is a monthly newspaper that wastes lots and lots and lots of paper to bring you, the FHS students, a few moments of slight entertainment. We print out 8 pages for you to mindlessly flip through it, realize your picture is not in it, and toss it aside like the crust on your peanut butter and jelly sandwich. (By the way, it‟s time to grow up. Start eating your crust like everybody else.) To submit comments, complain, or advertize cool ads with us, send us some interweb mail at

Melanie Soca$h

FHS Press—No, seriously; press. Press harder. Is it working yet?

March 32th, 2011

Not enough kids drop out of high school. Probably because most people don‟t realize Rosalyn Nye how many benefits Hooligan there are. High school is just plain stressful. There are countless projects and assignments, complicated social relationships and the nagging responsibility of arriving on time 180 days a year. Plus, you gotta, like, learn stuff. Social interaction doesn‟t go away when you drop out; it gets better actually. You will get to spend plenty of time interacting with your co-workers at Burger King or, if you don‟t want to work, you can spend some meaningful time with your teammates killing zombies on Xbox LIVE. I cannot think of a better way to build a sustained friendship than by mocking n00bs together. After dropping out, you will be qualified for lots of jobs that pay minimum wage. While your high school graduate “friends” are stressing over how to spend $60,000 in a single year, your spending habits will be much simpler: trying to afford food.

I mean really, once you have the three R‟s down you‟re good to go. Having a basic understanding of reading, riting, and rithmetic is all you really need. Besides, when in your life will you ever need to put together a coherent sentence? There just aren‟t any real-world applications. Now shop-lifting, that has real-world relevance. How else will you learn to smuggle cigarettes in prison? The prison system was set up for a reason. If all kids finished high school and continued their education, who would fill the 1,200 state prisons? What would happen to all the judges, truancy officers and prison guards? Your future inability to hold a job is what will keep people employed and the whole system functioning. Plus, with the new state budget that increases prison funding and decreases school funding, could it be any more clear where our government truly wants us to end up? If you don‟t drop out, you will be denying yourself the 12th Amendment to the Declaration of Independence – the right to drop out of high school.


I‟m extremely picky when the most amazing experience it comes to who I date. I have a on earth. He picks you up; you specific set of qualities that a open the car door; cans upon man must have before he takes cans of Copenhagen, Skoal, me out. and Kodiak cascade from the The top of that list? He car. It‟s a fantastic start to the has to chew tobacco at all night. You go to his house, sit hours of the day. It is on the couch and the single most atif you‟re lucky, tractive activity a he might even male could ever let you hold his engage in, and just spit bottle. seeing a guy chewExcitement ing gives me butterscreams from flies. within when he Call it what leans towards you want: chew, you. Whispering dip, chaw, chewJordan Chewsich sweet nothings poos, chits, chowin your ear, his Hopeless Romantic ers, packing a lip, a breath smells wad; it‟s hot. like heaven. His teeth are yelIt‟s basically a surefire low and slimy, with a coaxing way to pick up chicks. When I smile that makes you melt at go to the mall and see those his fingertips. He tastes like guys who are walking around, straight up tobacco, leaving a so obviously chewing, it‟s love lasting taste of stale tea on your at first sight. My hands get tongue. It‟s absolute ecstasy. clammy, my forehead starts to So if you‟re a guy, and sweat, and my heart races. I do you‟re single, I strongly sugeverything I can just to catch gest looking into this whole their eye. chewing thing. Because trust A date with a chewer is me: it‟s like…so hot.

High School Dropouts: Overall Happiness Over Time McGiggles (Units of Happiness)

40 30 20

Named “Employee of the Month” at Burger King

First grandchild, “Butterbean” Make headlines in Mugshot Monday

10 0

Move back with parents; no more cooking!

Save a boatload of money on clothes by continuing to wear high school letterman jacket







BOO-YA: “Employee of the Month” again! 72



Bad economy means Burger King closes; no longer have to worry about the stress of having a job! 108

The Sad, Slow Passage of Time (Months)

Emily Bittner, hiding behind a trash can

Us kids and our... The day I first laid eyes on my new Independent Living assignment, Francesca, I knew that my life would be changed forEmily Bittner ever. Little Single mom just trying Franny makes to make it me feel so special and loved that it‟s going to be really hard to give her back when it‟s time. That‟s why I decided to have a real Francesca. A lot of people have been telling me

what a bad idea this is, but I keep telling them that I‟m getting such great training with fake Francesca that it will probably be just as easy to have a real baby. Her crying doesn‟t really bother me because I can just turn her off if I really have to, which is great practice for my real baby. Paying for daycare shouldn‟t be a problem either because I can just bring my baby to class with me. There was one time that Franny wouldn‟t stop crying during my Print Media class so Mr. Hartman sent me into the hall. It was a win-win solution for both of us because I got to spend more quality time with my

precious Francesca and Mr. Hartman was able to realize how much he actually missed her while we were gone. Francesca wakes me up at night most of the time, but if I just hit her on her plastic head, she stops making noise and I can go back to sleep. I know you can‟t hit a real baby, but I imagine it wouldn‟t be much harder to put one to bed. If I continue with my plans to make my dream of a real Francesca a reality, there are going to be a few hardships I‟ll have to face. I‟m currently trying to get a petition signed for the school to incorporate more baby appliances into the build-

ing. Current MTB‟s (Mothers to Be) like myself face issues such as not having changing tables in the bathrooms. We also need car seats to be put on buses, and the cafeteria should start offering Gerber food products so that my real baby won‟t have to go the whole school day without eating like her robot counterpart does now. Everyone is always so willing and excited to babysit for me that I may not even have to take care of Francesca for more than three hours a day anyway. I will be forever grateful to my wonderful little baby. Without her, I could still be falling for the myth that it is difficult to care for a child.


March 32rd, 2011

FHS Press goes hard in the ink

Rosalyn Nye

placed eye level. You simply open your eyes as wide as Duck-face expert possible and slightly part Let‟s face it, you are your lips. To accomplish the probably ridiculously ugly. look, think of it as a combiAny picture you take most nation of being scared and likely looks hideous. So if incredibly surprised at the you have tried past „fixes‟ for same time. looking attractive – like But the quickest way to smiling or attempting to look trick people into thinking you happy – and none worked, try are attractive is to imitate a imitating an animal in picduck. This is a simple fourtures. Most animals are step process, explained beprobably better looking than low. you anyway. The duck is widely The deer is a popular known as being the most creature to mimic. This look beautiful creature in the anican be accomplished by star- mal kingdom and by emulating into a camera that is ing one perhaps you too

This is a guide for making your very own animal face, which will enable you to make friends for once in your ugly life.

1. Fully extend your arm and hold your camera 45 degrees above eye level.

could become a beautiful duckling. Remember that excessive makeup and revealing clothing always amplify your appeal, especially in pictures. The closer you resemble a lady commonly found on street corners, the more people will respect you and be interested in you as a person. Oh, and it never hurts to take all of your photos in a bathroom mirror.

The girls of Print Media pose for an extremely attractive picture in the bathroom mirror.

2. Tip your chin down so your eyes look as bug-like as possible.

3. Create the duck look by puckering your lips to such an extent that people mistake you for a victim of collagen injections.

4. For an extra bit of uniqueness, whip out the deuces and add a little attitude. You will be one in a million.

March 32, 2011

FHS Press: Yeah, uh-huh. You know what it is

Melanie Soca$h & Bri Haglan Local Travel Agents

A recent article in Everyday Lifestyles named Beaver County, Pennsylvania among the top five most interesting places to reside, calling it the “Most happenin‟ county on the eastern coast.” The news came as a big surprise to Junior Ethan Biggs, who frequently complains about how “there‟s nothing to do here.” Asked what he wanted to do, or where he‟d like to live instead, Biggs responded, “I don‟t know.” But outsiders can easily see the splendor that sets Beaver apart from lesser counties like Armstrong or Butler. Many people who visit the area find that the daily life of Beaver Countians is fast paced and exhilarating; outsiders from as far as Kazakhstan have been taking notice. One tourist from this Central Asian country was captivated by the overall beauty of the area, noting the splendor of the many bridges and trainyards. "Beaver County is verrrryy niiiice,” he said. Known for its many exciting hotspots, Beaver County offers an electrifying itinerary for its citizens and visitors. The Beaver Valley Mall, for instance, provides shoppers with a diverse shopping experience; this mall features an impressive range of stores including: Christopher & Banks, Kitchen Collection, Things Remem-

bered, and the extremely popular Vitamin World. Forget about taking a trip to the zoo; Beaver County presents a vast array of rare wildlife. It has a diverse animal species including the Gray Squirrel, Chipmunk, White-Tailed Deer, and Beaver. But Beaver County is most known for the beloved bos pirmigenius; otherwise known as the cow. “At first I thought Beaver County was a place infested with an ungodly amount of beavers,” Bill Dingadam, a 17-year-old who recently moved from the Philadelphia area, said. “Now, I realize there is so much more to the county.” Old Economy Village and the Vicary Mansion are two of the many attractions that have engrossed newcomers and fellow Beaver Countians. “Old Economy Village was awesome; I‟ve never had so much fun in my entire life. It was better than Disney World!” vacationer Rebecca Karecterlas said. But, Beaver County is not just for history lovers; it is also for the hardcore partiers. Forget about Las Vegas and New York, the nightlife here can‟t be beat. Beaver County offers a fist-pump worthy club scene with its local bingo and Croatian Clubs. Hips are broken, dentures are lost, and traffic comes to a standstill, all before 3 o‟clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday.

Fact of the Month Did you know that new studies done by the Research Institute of Pittsburgh show that teens aged 14 to 18 are becoming more gullible? Scientific researchers said the amount of gullible teens has risen from 30 percent to almost 85 percent in the past month alone. Companies and businesses aren‟t wasting any time and are taking advantage of this spike in gullibility. Speaking of which: FHS Press is now selling an all-natural, newsprint-based acne medication guaranteed to work. Forward your payment of $29.95 for the first inky treatment to FHS Press in Room 114.

Valuable Coupon! FHSP ACNE-RID normally costs $29.95. But if you act now, we‟ll send you THREE whole treatments for just $89.85. That‟s three lifetime acne treatments for less than you‟d spend on a one-hundred dollar bill!


Cheer Corner Rosalyn Nye Nye Little Pony Johnny Smithton gazes out through his tear-filled swim goggles at his teammates as he rushes to bear hug each and every one following his seven-minute 100 yard backstroke. “These guys are like my family,” Johnny said. “They support me and I love them.” Johnny spends a lot of time with his teammates. Last week, they went on a swim-family camping trip. “I couldn‟t be happier,” Johnny said. “Though, my mom is upset because I Swim team family members Emily Francis, Jake Cruise, Tippin Harkins keep missing family game night.” and Jon Bittner pose for a family portrait at their local Sears. Upset might be an understatement. “Johnny was always (DOFA). This legislation would Other parents worry that their such a loving boy, but now I feel define a family strictly as a relation- children are missing out on valuable like he‟s replaced me with that gang ship between “one or two parents, bonding time with their biological of water rats he calls his swimand maybe a couple of kids or families. “My kids don‟t come family,” his mom said, choking something,” thereby outlawing non- home for dinner anymore. Instead, back tears. “I worry about my little traditional relationships like they go to CiCi‟s with their „sportsboy getting mixed up in the wrong Johnny‟s swim-family. families,‟” another mom said. crowd.” “Just look at the the rampant “I don‟t care that my parents Johnny‟s story is not unique; destruction of private property by are upset; I love my soccer girls,” non-biological family bonds are these „sports-families.‟ I have been Annette Jacuba said. “We‟re like a popping up all over FHS. In light cleaning toilet paper and paint from family.” of the phenomenon, several Freemy windows for days,” one conFirst-year hurdler Matt Ashton dom mothers are campaigning for cerned mom said. “If we continue to had a different opinion. “The track state legislators to approve a new tolerate these so-called sportsteam is like a family to me,” he law, the Defense of Families Act families, where is it going to stop?” said.

Jordan Kusich

news. “Eh, I doubt it was that big of a deal.” When he overheard a few students talking about this Reporter forced to attend this event “mystery meet,” Mr. Sampson from the Social Studies The season has ended and the last step has been Department asked, “Hey, how did you say the football taken. The Boys‟ Cross Country team took home the team was doing?” invitational win last Saturday, and it was one heck of a In order to get the school involved in raising suprace. Senior Mark Wilson finished first out of 250 runport for the team, encouraging signs were hung in the ners, with Juniors Tim Liretto and Bobby Yeck taking a hallways, the student center, the cafeteria, even the bathclose second and third. The remainder of the Freedom rooms. When the signs were pointed out to Junior runners followed with at least four or five minutes sepa- Reggie Soltes, all he had to say was, “We have a Cross rating them from the rest of the participants. Country team?” As the boys celebrated after the meet, a roaring ap“We‟ve told people that we win meets. Nobody plause broke out from the crowd, where a total of three seems to realize that we even exist,” Freshman runner dedicated parents stood supporting their sons. It could be Roger Harris said. heard from at least four feet away. The boys‟ next stop is Nationals, which will be held “There was a meet Saturday?” Sophomore Joseat Geneva College this year. It‟s only 20 minutes away. phine Galloway asked nonchalantly when she heard the The President will be there. But you probably won‟t.

“Pepsters” finally get recognition Give me an S! Give me a P! Give me an O! Give me an R! Give me a T! What‟s that spell? Sport! And that‟s what the cheerleading team is finally going to be. Yay!! FHS announced this month that starting next year, cheerleading is going to be an official FHS sport, in an attempt to attract males to an allgirls team. Senior Tom Jenkins cannot suppress the elation he feels about Freedom giving the opportunity for boys to finally live out their dreams of cheering. “I‟m so pumped cheerleading is finally a sport,” Jenkins said. “All of my letters and giftbaskets to the NAACR, the National Association for the Advancement of Cheerleader‟s Rights, have finally paid Jake Cruise, off.” Team represenCheer Editor tatives have stated that they will have intense 3-hour practices every day where they will work on cheers, chants, and most importantly, learning how to rhyme. “Like, I can‟t believe this is finally happening. Cheering is like my entire life, and now it‟s just as much a sport as football! The part about having to flip and stuff will be hard, but my rhyming is so awesome,” Ashley Johnson said. The new coach, Linda Blair, said she‟s excited to hear that cheerleading will now be officially recognized as a sport. “In the past, we kept the jumps and flips to a minimum,” Blair said. “But now that we‟re a real sport, it‟s probably going to get real out of hand,” she said, adding that “we‟re finally going to start seeing some significant injuries here.”

April 2011