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FATHERS IN MOTION

TM

LIKE FATHER LOVE SON

A unique father to son guide to connect, share and love in his passage to manhood


KNOWLEDGE Rites Of Passage To Manhood Chronicle Of A Father’s Wisdom And Love In A Personalized Book For His Son Shared Journey And Legacy For A Son Becoming A Man Of Substance

Bonding Close Relationships Between Father & Son Setting Them Up For Success

Meaningful and Unique Conversations And Time Together

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA


Easy To Follow Three Phase Guide To Start Your Son On The Right Path To Success As A Man, Husband & Father

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

PREPARATION

EDUCATION

GRADUATION

A father’s preparation for the life altering journey he is about to embark on with his Son. This time is for personal reflection, insight and concious commitment to the process.

In this section you will exchange knowledge, thoughts, stories, concepts, love and wisdom. From your readings, life experiences and the fifty two texts in this guide from 6th century BC to the present. Father and Son will both learn to communicate with each other, practice listening and gain valuable insights into the others personality. Mutual respect, trust and admiration will develop, allowing you to bond and share the tools your Son needs from you to succeed in life.

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After the accumulation of the many conversations and experiences, including setting his future path, we celebrate his rites DEAR of SON passage to manhood. The groundwork for him to graduate into life with honors.


FA T

Turning your Boy into a successful loving Man, will be one of your life’s greatest achievements!

Contents Unit 1 Unit 2 Unit 3 Unit 4 Unit 5 Unit 6 Unit 7

Unit 8 Unit 9

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H E R S I N M O T IO N

Introduction A Father’s Reflection Sharing Wisdom of the Ages First Rite of Passage Son, My Gift to You A Father’s Conversations Let’s Walk In Your Shoes Second Rite of Passage Actively Celebrating Together Our Time Setting ourselves up for success Passing It Forward

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A SUGGESTION FROM OTHER USERS We all want the value, upfront! You can go through the guide as designed from start to finish, or to focus on getting the most value upfront, you can choose to :

~ Do the nine reflection exercises at the back of Unit Two ~ Complete the first rite of passage and personalized book in Unit Four (dip into Unit 3 for inspiration when required)

~ Do Unit Seven for the paired activity and weekend away second rite of passage in nature with your Son

If you choose to take this approach, then come back later when you have time to touch on supporting but important areas such as A Father’s Conversations in Unit 5, Let’s Walk In Your Shoes in Unit 6 and the rest of the guide.

This is a comprehensive program, do not be daunted, for we eat an elephant, one bite at a time Grow, have fun and enjoy!

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Our mission is to dramatically and positively impact the unique relationship between you and your Son To my magnificent wife, Jenni, and our five awesome children Danielle, Amber, Madison, Kyle and Chase ~ Kevin Potter, San Diego, CA

A Boy is the only thing the Universe can use to make a Man

“An African Proverb ‘If we do not initiate the boys, they will burn down the village’. I have traveled around the world initiating boys. I have seen villages burning everywhere, primarily in the United States in homes where fathers are not leading their sons. Divorce, financial pressures or simply being emotionally absent and not engaged takes a huge toll. Fathers In Motion may be the flood of hope that will extinguish the flame of self-destruction that is threatening our modern village.” Joe Sigurdson Co-founder of Boys To Men Mentoring Network, with 35 global offices "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men"

“Unique. For Kevin’s son, we experienced the rite of passage technique in our group, raising beyond measure his self-esteem, insight to life and appreciation for his Dad. The Father’s pride and bonding that took place during the process was completely unique and so uplifting – I have never experienced anything like this before.” Steve Fabry, CEO, Compendia Inc Member of YPO, Young Presidents Organization A global network of 17,000 business leaders across 100 countries

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, scanning, recording or otherwise without prior written permission of the owner. The owner of this material for which all rights are reserved is Fathers in Motion, a division of Featherbrooke Inc. This includes registered copyright for the content, accompanying CD template and the book “A Man’s Journey” and the name and logo design is a registered trademark.

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UNIT ONE - INTRODUCTION

Introduction


MY SON Name: Date of birth:

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UNIT ONE - INTRODUCTION

“The three greatest gifts a father can give his son are confidence, wisdom and love.”


Thank you for trusting me to share my insight with you in a profoundly powerful area of your life -- your relationship with your Son! Whether you like it or not, and whether he expresses it or not, you are the central and most powerful role model he will ever have. This is not a parenting guide. It is a set of tools that have been developed over many years with one main goal, to bring you and your Son closer in a deeper, more trusting way. The information you find within these pages is structured in a way that will assist you in building your son’s confidence and your love for him. It includes the tools necessary to develop a vision of who he is and ways to maintain balance in the up’s and down’s that come with life’s journey. This program is designed for you both to share time and moments together in a way that will be treasured for a life time. This application guide is meant for you Dad. It will hardly be used by your son. It provides a set of strategies and tools for you to adapt to your own beliefs and life experiences -- as it can be blended into any system of thought for an engaging fun journey with your Son in a way that you never thought possible. Enjoy!

Qu e

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If you knew tomorrow was your last day of this life, what would you tell him? How did it feel when you held him for the first time?

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UNIT ONE - INTRODUCTION

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty." ~ Anonymous


H E R S I N M O T IO N

SACRED DUTY Thousands of years and countless generations have brought you to this point in time. In your family heritage, you are now a father and you will pass on the duty to your son. This is the end result of many lifetimes of struggles and successes; of all the men in your family prevailing against the odds. You have a sacred duty to your father and his father and all the great grandfathers who came before. Regardless of how you were raised, or countless injustices that may have been imposed upon you, your sacred duty as a man is to love and teach your son to the absolute best of your ability. As a father, there is no doubt you are boggled with other challenges and issues that require your attention. You will always have these. All men do. But you must commit to make time for your son, for it is so important. Be proud but humble for you have a great task given to you. Qu e

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Do you feel that you have been the greatest role model and father, to the best of your ability? Where do you wish to improve? What sort of man do you wish your son to become?

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UNIT ONE - INTRODUCTION

FA T


~George Herbert

WHAT WE WILL DO This application guide is not for those who like to read, but for those who enjoy a true experience. Reflective questions are often included to relate the content to your own exclusive and personal relationship with your son. No relationship, like the one you have with your Son exists, or will ever exist again, for it is your own exquisite journey. This application guide has two major intentions, for the two of you to Connect and Grow in a way you could only dream of being possible. And it is. The primary purpose is to increase your awareness and vulnerability. The first step is to reach out and open this space between you and your Son. We start in Unit 2 with a set of reflective exercises that allow you to consider the relationship, of what you want to achieve and to see the fruits of the process. Unit 3 summarizes insights from fifty-two key texts from 6th Century B.C. up to the present day. It includes knowledge to combine with your own experiences, to reflect upon and to utilize in engaging with your Son. Unit 4 will lead you through a first right of passage that combines insight from highly impactful men and fathers, full of precious wisdom from the ages. Using a particular process, these are a culmination of thoughts and ideas that are combined with your own photos and words, which will be converted into a hardcover coffee table book that you will be able to design and present to your son (we provide the template that you can simply edit online, by adding your photos and expressions). It includes guidelines on how to share the book with your son and in doing so, how it will reach out to him in a subtle way and validate his entire being through your eyes. In Unit 5, we will relearn the art of conversation, where you will tell stories of your personal journey to your son. These will exemplify a sharing process and further establish that connection. Unit 6 allows you to ‘walk in his shoes’, being able to really listen to him, understand him and accept him for who he is right now in his life. This is a crucial part of the process as it will offer you the tools to talk to him in a way that shows him you are always seeking improvement in his abilities and want what is best for him, but he must never forget that you love him as he is, and for who he is, now!

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UNIT ONE - INTRODUCTION

"One father is worth more than a hundred schoolmasters."


After a series of time has passed, you will be ready to cross a BIG milestone. This will be to go away together, such as camping in a secluded spot in nature, where the bond is sealed and you will complete a rite of passage. We take you through all the steps to succeed in this endeavor. Unit 8 takes you further into the journey and allows him to plan a vision for who he wishes to become and list his own set of goals, often the first step in success. No stress, just flow We will only have fun and be positive together throughout the program In essence, you will be guided through a series of structured steps that will better prepare you to understand the perspective outlined in this program and identify with your own special role as a father. Then, we will conduct a series of activities for you to engage in and have fun with your son in a way that deepens the bond and creates a lasting friendship in a way you never thought possible. This is not a parenting guide or a disciplinary method whatsoever. It has one outcome to focus on. Through a “positive only” engagement process, you will connect, bond and grow with your son. We provide the tools to you, Dad, where you select what resonates and works for you. As you blend the tools in with your experience, you will converse with, give time to and play with your Son, as you begin on a path to creating that special place that is uniquely yours -- just for the two of you. It is your choice and willingness to open this guide and take interest in your son and your role as a father , with the focus on building your relationship with your son into a truly unique and special one, that has brought us to this place. For that I applaud you and your positive approach to making things better for you and your family. Let’s start!

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UNIT ONE - INTRODUCTION

Moving on on to Unit 7 for a moment, the Second Rite of Passage. This chapter encompasses a more detailed process. First, we take you through an activity or sport with your son that is enjoyable for both of you, yet you are both equally poor at. This activity will be conducted over a series of scheduled periods of time to simply enjoy each other’s company, with the focus being each other’s company, not on improving activity skills or winning.


UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

A Father’s Reflection ‘‘


~Pythagoras

FAT

H E R S I N M O T I ON

The art of reflection or contemplation, without rushing but letting your inner knowing surface slowly and naturally, is profound. This workbook is a set of tools and strategies to bring you to a higher place where you, and not your son, prepare the way forward. The purpose of this module is to guide and encourage you to reflect and contemplate where you and your Son are at the moment, where you want to be, and discover a pathway to making those changes through the program. This section requires you not to simply rush and read, but to apply and reflect by yourself.

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

"Choices are the hinges of destiny�


All journeys have a beginning. We must think deeply about where we wish to arrive, before taking the first step. One key principle of this guide is that YOU will use this book, not your Son. We will work together to better prepare you to engage with your son in a personal way, by blending your thoughts and experiences with the program to create a one of a kind experience that only the two of you share. Take what resonates with you, apply this in your own unique way, and discard any exercises or activities that do not fit. Each step has been carefully crafted so think carefully on each step presented before choosing not to apply it. The next key principle is that there are three parts to this ritual ‘dance’ that exists between you and your son. There is YOU, there is your SON and then there is a RELATIONSHIP between the two of you. This relationship has developed into a ritual dance of how the two of you have acted and responded to each other over the years, to a point where it begins to act out of habit, rather than intent. The purpose of this module is awareness of the ritual dance. Reflecting positively to how you see your son and yourself in this relationship is a basis to determine where you are currently, where you wish to be and what key steps you will be taking on your journey.

Qu e

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In this section, slow down and take the time to reflect

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

BEGINNINGS


~Arthur Benson

OUTCOME The outcome for this module is to ensure you are in a positive state of mind with strong intentions for success. This is necessary for use throughout the program. As our intention is all about impacting and working with YOU, it is imperative that you feel empowered and responsible for your actions. This will also be how you positively impact the relationship between you and your son. The most impact will come from you taking your best step forward toward the relationship and directing efforts into the activities that form this program. Your son’s actions and how he responds to your efforts are his alone. Initially he is likely to be surprised or skeptical, as you maybe disrupting or changing the ritual dance. Persevere and just keep focused on your positive actions as outlined in the program. I have yet to meet anyone’s son who does not want approval or a strong bond with his father. This trait is universal. It will take some time, but have patience. Your son will come to appreciate the new and improved father that you have become, and he will come forth at a gradual pace, to meet you half way so that you may both succeed in developing the relationship. This is a timely process as any ritual dance has transformational steps. This new dance with some new steps will take time and it is your role to stick with it! Before we start, the state of mind or outcome is threefold: • To stay positive • To be in awe of how lucky you are to have such a son, and for him to have such a father -- from this, a sense of humbleness and vulnerability, two characteristics that are vital in connecting • Know what you want or what you will yield, and commit to stay the course with this program We achieve results through reflection and contemplation and writing down your thoughts. This program is private. No one should necessarily look at this, so you are free to write down any thoughts, what you want to achieve or how you feel!

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

“Very often a change of self is needed more than a change of scene”


Reflection: • • • •

Be in a quiet space, alone, do not be rushed Read each of the nine key questions Try closing your eyes, this helps focus your energy Do not try to determine the answer or how you feel. Let your mind go quiet and let thoughts in response to the question just bubble up in your mind • Write these thoughts down without regard to sentence construction – the mission is to capture the thought. Remember, this is a private journal. Additional Insight: • Read through the Insight Inserts provided only once you have completed the method of reflection above • If any of the Inserts feel right for you, then ponder them. If appropriate, go back to the Reflections section and capture these as part of your reflections and wish list. Contemplate: • Once all have been answered, go back to the first question and each thought written down • Examine each written thought mentally to get a sense of how this actually aligns with you. Contemplate the thought, “is this correct, why do I feel this way, is this really important to me” • Add contemplation notes to the thought where appropriate

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UNITONE TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION UNIT - INTRODUCTION

THE FIRST STEP:


~Ralph Waldo Emerson

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THE SECOND STEP: My Outcome: After completing the Reflection step, complete the last step which is the “My Outcome” section at the back of this unit.

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

“The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it”


H E R S IN MOTI ON

LET’S START OUR 9 REFLECTIONS Additional copies can be printed from the CD, our website or this guide. Writing your thoughts are important.

Very Important This is part of your reframing so: • Answers are to come from a positive perspective • Still your inner voice of criticism or thoughts of weaknesses in yourself, your son or past events that may have negatively impacted the relationship (they have been carried around for far too long, put them aside in this program)

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

FAT


What is special about him and what positive traits do you see in him?

~Wayne Dyer

Qu e

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To expand your thoughts, what do you enjoy about him or what makes him unique? Think on what others like about him, what he does well, seems to love doing or does effortlessly?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 1

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”


What are the important qualities you would like to see him have as he grows up to be a man?

Qu e

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..and which quality does he have that you can work with him to correct that may become an area of weakness as he grows up?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 2


~ Thomas Paine

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TRAITS: Inspiring Action oriented Bold Courageous Dependable Fun loving Trustworthy Spiritual connection Spontaneous Consistent Diligent Quiet Learned Wise Moral Optimist Powerful Persistent Thoughtful Good looking Honest Achiever Ethical

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Insight Insert Lovable Leader Kind Enthusiastic Well mannered Compassionate Self-control Word is his bond Decision oriented Sympathetic Confident Contributor Expert Fair Lucky Widely read Modest Teacher Innovative Loving Happy Intuitive Spirited

Resilient His own path Calm Successful Patriotic Accepting Caring Cheerful Dignified Energetic Giving Helpful Protector Intelligent Logical Organized Relaxed Assertive Witty Proud

UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

“Reputation is what men and women think of us. Character is what God and the angels know of us."


What are the important qualities I have shown him, by my actions, as a father and role model?

Qu e

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...and which qualities do I not demonstrate or only speak about yet do not do? Reflect on the Qualities on the following page...

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 3


~ Benjamin Spock

QUALITIES AS A FATHER AND ROLE MODEL

Insight Insert

In addition to the Traits in Reflection 2, consider: Although I always want him to do better, I tell him that he is fine as he is and does not need to earn my love and respect. Lead by actions and not just words. I enthusiastically participate. Bring a lightness and fun to family life with discipline and boundaries being calmly and fairly established. Do not over-react to events but with balanced responses. Conduct myself at the dinner table, listening more than talking. Am an active listener, focusing on the other person and how they feel, not rushing to share my thoughts and stories only. I first seek to understand, then be understood. We talk. Show respect to others in my words and body language, I do not talk over them or cut their sentences short in conversation. I do not shout or lose control, swear or cuss inappropriately. We do not talk badly about others and defend others when they are not there to defend themselves. Look after my health, diet and have an exercise or sports regimen. We trust and see the good in others. I have a passion or goal in my life that I share with the family and have a plan on how to get there. Role modeling my views on smoking, drinking and substance abuse. I am consistent. I arrive home when I am expected.

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

“A boy senses that his destiny is to be a man, so he watches his father particularly - his interests, manner, speech, pleasures, his attitude toward work...“


Bring a fullness of the appreciation of life and fun actively into the family environment. I encourage way more than I criticize. I criticize rarely and when I do it is constructive and not when my son is in front of others. I appropriately channel sexual energy. I hug him and say goodnight to him in his bed at the end of every day. He sees me hug and flirt with his Mom. We manage TV time, it does not manage us. I demonstrate the ability to balance time and work and family time and events. I keep my word. I attend to how I look and hold myself.

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

No one in my family questions where I am or what I am doing as my actions have given them this comfort.


What have I wanted to teach him about life lessons and being a man?

~ Josh Billings

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..Which of these have I not yet done? Why have I not adequately done so? Does the way I was brought up effect the way I am teaching my son? Can I decide to change this?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 4

“To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while”


How would it feel if you got along better and had a deeper bond, now and many years from now?

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...what would it mean to you? How would you feel about this? …what would it mean to him and his life’s journey? …what would it mean to his mother? …what would it mean to his son, your future grandson?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 5


What would be the impact if you watched him grow into a wise, balanced, successful and caring man?

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...the impact on him? …what would it mean to you? …the impact on his future wife and his sons?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 6


Why did you start this program, what were you or the person who bought it for you, hoping to get from it?

Qu e

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...why is this important?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 7


Why do you think life chose you for this specific role and responsibility, to be the father to this one special person?

~Lafcadio Hearn

Qu e

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…and how am I fulfilling this role and responsibility on a daily basis?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 8

“No man can possibly know what life means, what the world means, what anything means, until he has a child and loves it”


If my job, time, money or past events were not constraints, how would I spend more time with him and what would I share or teach him?

Qu e

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…what positive words would my son use to describe me?

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

REFLECTION 9


~ Japanese Proverb

MY OUTCOME I am aware of the passage of time and have reflected on how special my role is to him as he develops into a man. I have decided – I will focus on these five areas where I will dramatically improve my relationship with him: • • • • • I also commit myself to putting in the effort and completing the rest of the program with focus and passion.

Signed:

Dated:

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

“Time spent laughing, is time spent with the gods”


H E R S I N MO TIO N

We are all busy! To find the time to do this properly is never easy, and so many sons the world over have paid the price due to this very real issue. Our sons will not be one of the many!

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UNIT TWO - A FATHERS REFLECTION

FAT


UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

Wisdom of the Ages


~Pythagoras ~ Martin Fischer

FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

A Father shares wisdom drawn from his reading, learning from others and lessons or decisions, be they good or bad, that he has learned along the way. These are based on the law of cause and effect, or from reflection. This is shared so your son learns from your Insights, hopefully to not make the same mistakes and learn from what you believe works. This unit is a treasure trove! We include the five key learning principles from 52 books, for 52 weeks, from some of the world’s greatest sages, leaders and fathers who have a mass of wisdom to share. This includes writings from the 6th Century B.C. to today. Many fathers have not taken the opportunity or the time to read the plethera of insightful information as it pertains to the relationship between father and son, let alone share it with them. We provide these in a summary version with the purpose that you may dip into your own conscience, find those that resonate with you and merge them with your own experiences. Then using the techniques in this section, you may share these in an integrated way with your son as a basis for discussion and further development over a period of time.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

" Knowledge is a process of "Choices thewisdom hinges of piling up are facts; lies destiny” in their simplification”


~Ron Wild

INTEGRATION GUIDELINE In this Guide you will find extracts from 52 major texts. Review the summary by yourself and identify those ideas or concepts that have value to you (or select a quotation from the bonus section following the summaries). Reflect and consider how you want to share many or just a few key ideas with your son. Choose a setting that is informal and relaxed without distractions such as radios or electronic games. Feel free to integrate your thoughts and reflections into a framework that we have found useful below. The next page contains a series of examples on how this could be used. It may seem overly structured at first but will become easier and more fluid over time. You may also choose a self-guided approach that feels natural for you. Additional sharing and listening skills are included in Unit 5 (A Father’s Conversation) and Unit 6 (Let’s Walk In Your Shoes). The objectives are met over time, through conversations with your son that include life principles that you personally discuss and shared thoughts. Nothing more, nothing less. Not that he must abide by them or anything of that nature for life is his choice. The purpose is to spend quality time conversing about principles and sharing your views becoming aware of his take on these views. This will plant seeds of ideas that will hopefully take root. Consider the three step approach of sharing: I was just reading a summary from.... In it there was a key idea of ….. My sense around this is….. what do you think?

...and which qualities do I not demonstrate or only speak about yet do not do? Reflect on the Qualities on the following page... Q U E S T I ON S

A piece of wisdom or learning experience I would like to share with my Son is ? What is my own experience with this piece of wisdom ? How and when am I going to discuss this or share this with my Son? www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“Seek the wisdom of the ages but look at the world through the eyes of a child”


~Robert Brault

SOME EXAMPLES OF THE APPROACH TO INTRODUCING THE KEY IDEAS: I was just reading a summary called the Tao te Ching, written in the 6th Century B.C. by Lao Tzu, a leading ancient Chinese Philosopher. It was interesting that it means “The Way”. Even more interesting that these books are still being read today. In it were several ideas, one idea is that of “Prevent trouble before it arises”. This sounds really simplistic yet when I think about it, it is so true. My sense around this is that there are many people who spend their lives trying to get out of trouble that they should not have got into in the first place by using a little common sense. Prevent trouble before it arises or solve a big problem while it is still a small problem. I was reading the newspaper this morning and a Wallstreet tycoon cheated on his tax return for a relatively small amount yet he is now facing a five year jail term, destroying his reputation and damaging his family in the process. Prevent trouble before it arises. What do you think? I was just reading this summary called Strategies that Revolutionized an Industry. It was written by the founder of Dell, who started the business in college and now has 40,000 employees. In it are several ideas, one is that of “Despise the Status Quo” and “love change”, and he also adds to“do fewer things, better”. My sense around this is….. What do you think? I was just reading a summary called The 80/20 Principle from Richard Koch who has written several International bestsellers. It contains several big ideas, one is that “20% of what you do yields 80% of results” which means that 80% of your effort is just wasted. My sense around this as I look back on my life and where I have put in huge effort for little reward is ….. What do you think? I was just reading this summary called Body for Life by Bill Phillips. It is a 12-week training program to get into shape; he gives away $1 million to a person who performs the best and thousands of people have been through this. It contains several ideas, the starting one is that you cannot even start or get anywhere if you do not have a compelling “future vision of yourself”. My sense around this….. What do you think?

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things”


TITLE

YEAR

1 2 3 4 5

Lao Tzu Sun Tzu Marcus Aurelius Horatio Alger Ralph Waldo Emerson

6th Century B.C. 4th Century B.C. AD 170 1867 1882

6

Orison Swett Marden

7 8

James Allen Andrew Carnegie

9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

Russell Conwell George Clason Napoleon Hill Florence Scovel Schinn Dale Carnegie Vicktor Frankel Claude Bristol Les Giblin

The Tao te Ching The Art of War Meditations Ragged Dick The Selected Writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson Pushing to the Front, or Success under Difficulties As A Man Thinketh Autobiography of Andrew Carnegie Acres of Diamonds The Richest Man in Babylon Think & Grow Rich The Secret Door to Success Stop Worrying And Start Living Man's Search For Meaning The Magic of Believing How to have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People The Magic of Thinking Big Success through a Positive Mental Attitude The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity The Inner Game of Tennis See You At The Top The Official Guide to Success Constructive Loving You Can Heal Your Life Unlimited Power: The New Science of Personal Achievement On Becoming a Leader The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Maximum Achievement The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success Buffet: The Making of an American Capitalist

17 David Schwartz 18 Napoleon Hill & W. Clement Stone 19 Catherine Ponder 20 W. Timothy Gallwey 21 Zig Ziglar 22 Tom Hopkins 23 David Reynolds 24 Louise Hay 25 Anthony Robbins 26 Warren Bennis 27 Stephen Covey 28 Brian Tracy 29 Deepak Chopra 30 Warren Buffet (by Roger Lowenstein) www.FathersInMotion.com

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1894 1903 1920 1921 1926 1937 1940 1944 1946 1948 1956 1959 1960 1962 1974 1975 1982 1984 1984 1986 1989 1989 1993 1994 1995

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

AUTHOR


~Shira Tehrani

AUTHOR

TITLE

YEAR

31 32 33 34 35 36

Nathaniel Branden Robert Kiyosaki Don Miguel Ruiz Spencer Johnson Cheryl Richardson Debbie Ford

1995 1997 1997 1998 1998 1998

37 38 39 40 41 42

Michael Dell Dan Millman Richard Koch Bill Phillips Thomas Stanley Robin Sharma

The Six Pillars Of Self-Esteem Rich Dad Poor Dad The Four Agreements Who Moved My Cheese Take Time for Your Life The Dark Side Of The Light Chasers Direct from Dell Body Mind Mastery The 80/20 Principle Body For Life The Millionaire Mind The Saint, The Surfer And The CEO Authentic Happiness The Luck Factor Loving What Is The Success Principles The Power Of Intention The Secret Do You! How To Have A Big Life Happy For No Reason Money, And The Law Of Attraction

2008

43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51

Martin Seligman Richard Wiseman Byron Katie Jack Canfield Wayne Dyer Rhonda Byrne Russell Simmons Rupert McKerron Marci Shimoff with Carol Kline 52 Esther and Jerry Hicks

1999 1999 1999 1999 2000 2002 2002 2003 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2007 2008

Bonus Extra: A series of Quotations are included at the back of this Unit. You can use these or your own favorite quotes to weave into your conversations to enhance your content when sharing stories and wisdom with your Son. Read well, think clearly. Expose his mind to good stuff, eventually good stuff will come out!

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“You cannot do anything about the length of your life but you can do something about it’s width and depth”


My Rough Notes:

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I was just reading a summary from ….. In it, there was a key idea of ….. My sense around this is…..what do you think?


Lao Tzu The Tao te Ching

- 6th Century B.C. - Philosopher in ancient China - Central figure in Chinese culture - Name of book means “The Way”

• I have just three things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. • A great nation is like a man. When he makes a mistake, he realizes it. Having realized it, he admits it. Having admitted it, he corrects it. • The Master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings. • Prevent trouble before it arises. • If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.

ELEM E n T KEY

If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

Book 1


- 4th century B.C. - Same era as Confucius in Northern China - Brilliant military strategist - Not only about war but about an approach to life - Widely used in business schools and by business leaders

Sun Tzu The Art of War • Leadership through character: have self knowledge, observe others and the situation for knowledge is the principal weapon. • Be attuned to the Tao, the guiding spirit of the Universe. • The ultimate warrior is one who wins the war by forcing the enemy to surrender without fighting any battles. • Take the larger view and see the whole situation clearly, control the form of engagement without reacting to it. • Do not prolong but seek to be a master of timing, if you battle then build momentum and strike hard and get away quickly.

ELEM E n T KEY

War is the ultimate form of conflict. The best way to approach conflict is be detached for the angry general loses.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 2


- 170 A.D., often translated - Journal of a Roman Emperor in a war campaign

Marcus Aurelius Meditations • Never confuse yourself by visions of an entire lifetime at once. • The approval of such men, who do not even stand well in their own eyes, has no value for him. • When force of circumstance upsets your equanimity, lose no time in recovering your self-control and do not remain out of tune longer than you can help. • Everything – a horse, a vine – is created for some duty… for what task, then, were you yourself created? A man’s true delight is to do the things he was made for. • Nothing is worth doing pointlessly.

ELEM E n T KEY

Your mind will be like its habitual thoughts; for the soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts. If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 3


Horatio Alger Ragged Dick

- 1867 - Horatio was admitted to Harvard at 16 and spoke four languages

• Be diligent, seek good fortune and you will make your own luck

- He ran away to Paris at one stage

• Be a reader

- Returned to USA, ordained as a minister and focused on plight of disadvantaged children

• Whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability

• Save, but be generous • Honesty, never cheat, steal or lie • Do not drink or smoke

- Novel of a poor boy in New York in squalid 1800’s who goes from shining shoes to respectability and wealth tt ELEM E n T KEY

Whatever you do, do it honestly and to the best of your ability and you will make your own luck

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 4


Ralph Waldo Emerson The Selected Writings Of Ralph Waldo Emerson

- 1882 - 19th Century leading American philosopher

• Trust thyself. • Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny. • Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. God will not have his work made manifest by cowards. Always, always, always, always do what you are afraid to do. • Good thoughts are no better than good dreams, unless they be executed! • Good luck is another name for tenacity of purpose.

ELEM E n T KEY

Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic, be enthusiastic and faithful, and you will accomplish your object. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 5


Orison Swett Marden Pushing To The Front, or Success Under Difficulties

- 1894 - Book has 70 chapters and 900 pages and a seminal work of its time - Lived in foster homes after parents died when he was only 7 - Several Harvard degrees

• Follow your calling – do whatever you choose, yet become a master at it. • A slow penny is surer than a quick dollar. • Nerve, pluck, persistence and grit. • Overcome difficulties for character is built through adversity. • Seize common occasions and make them great.

- He built and subsequently lost a hotel chain business - Published on average two books a year

ELEM E n T KEY

There are few things that cannot be achieved by sheer determination and effort.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 6


- 1903, republished several times and is a small 48-page book - Did not finish school, having to work early to support family as father was murdered - At 38, moved to small cottage to a life of contemplation - Enduring classic for over a century - Wrote 19 books in Victorian England

James Allen As A Man Thinketh • You will be what you will to be. The oak sleeps in the acorn. • A man's mind may be likened to a garden, which may be intelligently cultivated or allowed to run wild; but whether cultivated or neglected, it must, and will, bring forth. If no useful seeds are put into it, then an abundance of useless weed seeds will fall therein, and will continue to produce their kind. •The body is the servant of the mind. It obeys the operations of the mind, whether they be deliberately chosen or automatically expressed. With unlawful thoughts the body sinks rapidly into disease and decay. • The dreamers are the saviors of the world. Calmness of mind is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. Until thought is linked with purpose there is no intelligent accomplishment. • There can be no progress, no achievement without sacrifice.

ELEM E n T KEY

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. All that a man achieves and all that he fails to achieve is the direct result of his own thoughts.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 7


Andrew Carnegie Autobiography of Andrew Carnegie

- 1920 - In his day, the world’s richest man

• Leaders are readers and wealth is created from better knowledge and better thinking.

- Born 1835, self made he started as a railway clerk

• Master you: master your moods, ensuring a sunny disposition; to be ‘yourself’ you have to have spent time working out who you are; travel broadens a man.

- Worked his way to building the largest iron and steel factory

• Talk to people, not at them; enlarge your circle.

- Donated $100 million to public libraries

• Seek knowledge and value with higher motives, not money alone.

• Work with others, using their reputations and spreading risk.

ELEM E n T KEY

Focus, for ‘I have rarely if ever met a man who achieved prominence in money-making….who was interested in many concerns’.

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BOOK 8


- 1921 - Author fought in the Civil War as a commissioned officer

Russell Conwell Acres of Diamonds • Be open-minded. • Great service is basic to prosperity.

- He was a lawyer, travelling reporter and pastor, founding Temple University in Philadelphia

• Genuine service is simple.

- Fable of man who lived in Persia who sold his farm to go seek his fortune, yet it ended in death and tragedy

• Greatest people are always straightforward.

• Leave time for meditation and contemplation of your diamonds that are likely to be so near.

- On the farm he sold, the new owner noticed a glint in the watery sands, acres of diamonds ELEM E n T KEY

Wealth is often close by and folly going off to seek your fortune. There is no need to look beyond yourself and your immediate circumstances to find the seeds of your fortune.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 9


George Clason The Richest Man in Babylon

- 1926 - More than 1.5 million copies sold - Fable of two poor friends, a musician and chariot builder, in ancient Babylon who seek a wealthy friend’s advice as wealth does not create happiness, it does enhance the quality of life

• Law 1: pay yourself first, money comes to those who save 10% • Law 2: money multiplies for those who invest it • Law 3: money stays with the person who entrusts it to wise people • Law 4: money is lost when invested in things with which you are not familiar • Law 5: money is lost at a fast rate when pursuing get-rich-quick schemes

ELEM E n T KEY

Without wisdom, gold is quickly lost by those who have it, but with wisdom, gold can be secured by those who have it not.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 10


Napoleon Hill Think & Grow Rich

- 1937 - 15 million copies - Born 1883 in a poor one room cabin - Advisor to President Roosevelt 20 years interviewing wealthy tycoons including Ford, Edison & Andrew Carnegie - His quest was to understand “how the wealthy become that way”

•Wealth creation is a product of the mind, combining reasoning, imagination and tenacity •Attuned to Infinite Intelligence is a source of ideas and ultimately wealth • Thoughts create their physical equivalent overtime • Natural sexual energy can be harnessed and channeled •Uniqueness, expressed in a refined idea or product, consistently focused upon will lead to great monetary reward

ELEM E n T KEY

Tend to the source of wealth, which is inherently intangible (faith, vision and persistence)

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 11


- 1940 - Published shortly before her death - Uses Biblical and related illustrative stories - Artistic career and children’s book illustrator

Florence Scovel Schinn The Secret Door to Success • Let go long enough for the law of attraction to operate, you have never seen an anxious magnet • In a relaxed state of expectancy, expect the best • Prepare for good things and act, prosperously • Intuition is the Infinite Intelligence’s magic • Practice faith over fear for success is a system

- Published shortly before her death - Author of several successful books

ELEM E n T KEY

Have faith and dissolve your barriers through positive expectations.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 12


- 1944, republished many times - More than 6 million copies sold - Recognized leader in self improvement teachings

Dale Carnegie How To Stop Worrying And Start Living • Live in “day-tight compartments” • Stop going around in circles, arrive at a fixed purpose and make definite decisions • Don’t cry over spilled milk • Rest often, before you get tired, just learn how to relax • Realize that people are not thinking about you and rather focus on getting busy

ELEM E n T KEY

Worry will make you ill. Given that knowledge isn’t power until applied: 1. 2. 3. 4.

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Write down what is worrying you Write down what you can do about it Decide what to do Start immediately to carry out that decision

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 13


- 1946, republished 1997 - Holocaust survivor - M.D. and PhD - Chronicles Nazi concentration camp experiences

Viktor Frankel Man’s Search For Meaning • Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstance, to choose one’s own way. •Discover life’s meaning in (a) having a deed (b) experience and encounters with others (c) attitude we adopt to suffering • What man actually needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of him. •Logotherapy: man’s main concern is fulfilling a meaning and actualizing values, rather than in the mere gratification of drives. • Don’t aim at success as a target, for like happiness it cannot be pursued, it must ensure as an unintended consequence of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself. • Be unique but it will be difficult – everyone’s task is as unique as is his specific opportunity to implement it, what is to give light must endure burning.

ELEM E n T KEY

We have ultimate responsibility for choosing our responses to challenges and manifesting our personal meaningful life. Love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire – a man who has nothing can still have bliss.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

Book 14


Claude Bristol The Magic of Believing

- 1948 - Author was a World War I soldier, journalist and speaker eventually becoming an investment banker and businessman - The book is difficult to read yet simple in its message

• Belief underpins destiny, your subconscious servant. • The intensity of your beliefs and thoughts act as a transmitter to future events. • Mental pictures of wealth are as positive as mental pictures of what you fear, are destructive. • The terrific force of thought repetition, combined with action. • Developing a ‘knowing’ in your beliefs is the main determinant of success.

ELEM E n T KEY

The golden thread is Belief. Undoubtedly, we become what we envisage.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 15


Les Giblin How to have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People

- 1956 - Author of several books

• Recognize everyone has a divine spark within them.

- Skills consultant to large U.S. companies

• Believe each person you deal with is important.

- Recognized as Salesman of the Year (1965)

• Calmly present the facts, allowing each to make up their own mind, do not force the argument. • Self esteem is important - do not put the other person in a position where they need to save face, be sarcastic or poke fun. • Engage and draw forth relaxed friendliness.

ELEM E n T KEY

Genuinely give appreciation and acceptance of others.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 16


David Schwartz The Magic of Thinking Big

- 1959 - Several million copies sold

• Big ideas and big plans are no more difficult than small plans.

- Author’s belief that a person is best measured by the size of their dreams

• Plenty of room at the top – enlarge your personal desire and imagination of yourself and act on it.

- Professor at Georgia State University - Businessman and author of several bestsellers

• Spend time alone with your thoughts and find the quiet route to success. • “Excusitis” is failure’s disease, use conscious self-belief. • Go first class, get advice and spend time with successful people.

ELEM E n T KEY

Believe Big, the size of your success is determined by the size of your desires and belief.

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BOOK 17


Napoleon Hill & W. Clement Stone Success through a Positive Mental Attitude

- 1960 - W. Clement Stone, died age 100, born in poverty and self made, donated $275 million to charity

• “It can be done” philosophy where focus on faith and not fear.

- Napoleon Hill was advisor to President Roosevelt and for 20 years interviewed wealthy tycoons including Ford, Edison & Andrew Carnegie

• First 5 Principles: positive mental attitude; definiteness of purpose; going the extra mile; accurate thinking; self discipline.

• Embrace life for wealth is attracted to those who have pleasing personalities whose attitude is big, generous and merciful.

• The next 5 Principles: the master mind; applied faith; a pleasing personality; personal initiative; enthusiasm. • The last 7 Principles: controlled attention; teamwork; learning from defeat; creative vision; budgeting time and money; maintain physical and mental health; using cosmic or universal force.

ELEM E n T KEY

A clear goal matched with a consistent Positive Mental Attitude can transform your life.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 18


Catherine Ponder The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity

- 1962 - She studied business before becoming an ordained minister

• Poverty is not a virtue, it is a vice

- Has written twelve books

• Prosperity is circulation, not congestion, and make way for growth

- Sought after lecturer across the nation

• Systematic giving

• Desire + visualization + affirmation = success

• Prosperity thinking is a healthy state of mind that has a positive attitude to money

ELEM E n T KEY

Appreciate universe’s abundance and your right to prosperity.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 19


W. Timothy Gallwey The Inner Game of Tennis

- 1974 - Harvard University tennis captain - Professional coach - Inner Game series for tennis, golf, skiing, music and work

• Conscious trying too hard often produces negative results. • Watching success is more impactful than critical instruction. • Your two selves, the mental coach and the one who actually plays. • Quiet your mind and mental clutter, do not judge a shot or yourself. • Reward is not winning, the larger game is calmly playing to the best of your ability.

ELEM E n T KEY

Secret is not to try too hard – keep the mind calm, trusting the body to get into spontaneous flow.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 20


Zig Ziglar See You At The Top

- 1975 - Sold over 2 million copies and re-issued in 2000

• You are born to win, create goals and you must commit them to paper.

- Book is timeless yet rambles with many stories and old-fashion views

• You are what you take in for they will manifest in your personality, be it television, pornography or good reading, seek out the best. Best guide to your conduct is the people you spend time with.

- Poor childhood in Great Depression, one of 12 siblings

• Success builds upon a solid marriage, the key to that is loyalty.

- From cookware salesman to top motivational speaker

• Keep life fresh by avoid the hardening of attitudes and seek out good habits. • Do not be ‘phoney’, build strong values of hard work, spiritual faith and service based on taking care of the physical, spiritual and mental.

- Spoken alongside USA Presidents and active in youth drug avoidance - Author of several books

ELEM E n T KEY

You can have everything in life if you will just help others get what they want.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 21


Tom Hopkins The Official Guide to Success

- 1982 - Dropped out of college

• Successful men are ruthless with their time.

- Author of 12 Bestsellers

• Winners do the most productive thing possible at each given moment.

- International Top Sales Trainer

• Choose to flip your switch from lose to win. • Continually grow and create new goals and expectations. • Go beyond goals and have a greater aim.

ELEM E n T KEY

The most valuable thing you can ever own is your image of yourself as a winner in the great game of life – act as if you are marked out for great things.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 22


David Reynolds Constructive Living

- 1984 - Authority on Japanese psychotherapies

• Accept and listen to your feelings. The best way to influence how you feel is by your consistent behavior.

- World Health Organization advisor in China

• Ask in every moment “now, what needs to be done”.

- Published in university and popular press in multiple languages

• Feelings Follow Behavior: do not DO depression, slumping your body, repeating same negative phrases. • Miserable people tend to be self-focused, we do then we feel! • Our behavior is controllable in a way our feelings are not. Work on the self by developing control of our actions. • Accept fear as a healthy emotion yet keep it in check, accept life as it is now with no need to wish it were otherwise.

ELEM E n T KEY

We cannot control our feelings directly, do what needs to be done regardless of whether you feel terrible or great.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 23


Louise Hay You Can Heal Your Life

- 1984 - 30 million copies in 35 countries - She founded Hay House Publishing Company

• Turn “I should” into “I could choose to”. • Some things and some thoughts will not serve you so let them go, do mental house cleaning. • Blame is one of the surest ways to stay in a problem. • Do not worry about money, a bill means some-one trusted you . • Do not be critical of yourself, lovingly see yourself as the child you were. Think thoughts that make you happy.

ELEM E n T KEY

Approve of yourself, exactly as you are.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 24


Anthony Robbins Unlimited Power: The New Science of Personal Achievement

- 1986 - Recognized motivational and self-help leader - Based on principles of NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) - His foundation does substantial charity work

• Model successful people’s behavior and habits. • Success lies in your simple ability to take action. • Run your brain, manipulate out negative films and reframe events positively. • Great goals produce great action. • Build rapport skills with others as a conscious skill.

- His company is a prolific producer of coaching and life-skills material

ELEM E n T KEY

Success leaves clues, model successful people and act upon this.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 25


Warren Bennis On Becoming a Leader

- 1989 - Bennis fought in World War II and has a PhD from MIT - Leading figure in academic research in leadership - He is on the board of several renown Universities

• Life is not a competition, but a flowering of seeking your potential. • Leadership is the act of becoming more true to yourself, an engagement with life itself. • Heroes are made, not borne, and it is a conscious decision. • Personal integrity, a compelling vision and ability to enjoy risk and uncertainty define leadership. • Amazon the Internet retailer: “Word hard, play hard, change the world”.

- He interviewed many U.S. leaders, including Neil Armstrong who went to the moon and Ray Kroc, founder of McDonalds

ELEM E n T KEY

Leadership is being interested in expressing yourself, not proving yourself.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 26


Stephen Covey The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

- 1989 - Time voted him one of top 25 most influential Americans

• Habit 1

Be proactive (Personal Choice)

• Habit 2

Begin with the end in mind (Personal Vision)

- University Professor

• Habit 3

Put first things first (Integrity & Execution)

- His company does over $500 million revenue in Leadership and Performance

• Habit 4

Think Win/Win (Mutual Benefit)

• Habit 5

Seek first to understand, then to be understood (Mutual Understanding)

- Author fought in the Civil War as a commissioned officer

• Habit 6

Synergize (Mutual Creation)

• Habit 7

Renewal (Balanced Self-Renewal)

ELEM E n T KEY

Good character, balance and effort – you reap what you sow.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 27


Brian Tracy Maximum Achievement

- 2000 - Grew up in poverty wearing charity store clothes

• Become an expert of setting and writing goals for we are shaped by our ambitions. • Less than 3% of people have written goals.

- Worked on Norwegian freighter and travelled the world

• No unrealistic goals, only unrealistic deadlines.

- Wanderer to a focused person with an MBA and a top salesman

• Loving relationships and acquiring knowledge through reading should feature high on your goal setting.

• Goals to be congruent with what brings you inner peace.

ELEM E n T KEY

The Master Skill is written, clear goals.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 28


Deepak Chopra The Seven Spiritual Laws Of Success

- 1994 - Several International Bestsellers

• Law of Karma: listen with the heart and witness choices each moment.

- Seminars and workshops with attendees who travel from all over the world

• Law of Least Effort: practice acceptance and take responsibility. • Law of Giving & Receiving: circulation is abundance in all things. • Law of Pure Potentiality: meditate, commune with nature and practice non-judgment. • Law of Intention & Desire: be silent, list your desires and give them over to the Universe. • Law of Detachment: no rigid or forced solutions, be open to uncertainty and infinite possibilities. • Law of Dharma: discover the higher self, use your unique talents and serve others.

ELEM E n T KEY

Success is finding joy and the ability to fulfill desires with effortless ease.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 29


Warren Buffet (by Roger Lowenstein) The Making of an American Capitalist

- 1995 - World’s second most wealthiest man

• ‘Value investing” emphasizing research, analysis and looking only to the facts of fundamental business value.

- Self made $100,000 into over $35 billion

• Frugal

- Poor upbringing made him obsess over how to create wealth, starting with paper delivery routes

• Take risks based on research, do not gamble. • Long term magic of compounding interest. • Hold on to good investments for the long term.

- Still lives in same small home bought in 1950’s in Omaha Nebraska, publicly has wife and a girlfriend - Donates billions of dollars to charity ELEM E n T KEY

Success requires perseverance and courage to stick to your decisions.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 30


Nathaniel Branden The Six Pillar’s Of Self-Esteem

- 1995 - Author of 20 books, 4 million copies in 18 languages - PhD, lecturer, psychologist and International leading figure in self-esteem

• Practice means a way of behaving that is also a way of being. Small improvements make a big difference. • The Practice of Living Consciously • The Practice of Self-Acceptance • The Practice of Self-Responsibility • The Practice of Self-Assertiveness • The Practice of Living Purposefully • The Practice of Personal Integrity

ELEM E n T KEY

Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourself. Refuse to be in an adversarial relationship with yourself or what makes you happy.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 31


Robert Kiyosaki Rich Dad, Poor Dad - What The Rich Teach Their Children

- 1997 - Born in Hawaii

• The rat race working for a pay check is a fear based mind set.

- A Marine and ex-Xerox salesman, made his fortune as entrepreneur and investing

• Specialization and working for money is better served by accumulating assets and let the money work for you.

- Born in Hawaii

• Be disciplined, control your money through controlling your emotions and separate greed from sound financial decisions.

- His firm produces finance educational products and book series

• Opportunities come from new ideas.

• Be educated, put effort into becoming financially literate.

ELEM E n T KEY

The key knowledge of the wealthy lies in understanding that anything that does not grow or generate a return, is a liability.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 32


Don Miguel Ruiz The Four Agreements

- 1997 - Grew up in rural Mexico in a family of healers - Bestselling author and surgeon

• First Agreement:

Be Impeccable With Your Word

• Second Agreement:

Don’t Take Anything Personally

• Third Agreement:

Don’t Make Assumptions

• Fourth Agreement:

Always Do Your Best

ELEM E n T KEY

The first step toward personal freedom is awareness.

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 33


Spencer Johnson Who Moved My Cheese

- 1998 - 12 million copies

• There will be other cheeses

- Medical doctor and author of several bestsellers

• Loss through change can devastate, or can choose to laugh and move on

- Fable of mice in a maze confronted with change, someone moved their cheese

• What would you do if you weren’t afraid? • Creatively visualize finding new cheese • Feel the fear and do it anyway

- Fable of dealing with loss and change generally, think relationships, savings, jobs

ELEM E n T KEY

When life happens and your cheese is moved, move on and accept the next challenge, it is about perspective.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 34


Cheryl Richardson Take Time for Your Life

- 1998 - Book was a New York Times Bestseller

• Slowing down to succeed • Put yourself first

- On Oprah and Today Shows

•Your schedule should reflect your priorities

- Professional Speaker

• Pay others to do tasks to free your valuable time • Take responsibility for your financial health

ELEM E n T KEY

Regular ‘downtime’ and reflection is important for your sanity and success.

www.FathersInMotion.com

Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 35


Debbie Ford The Dark Side Of The Light Chasers

- 1998 - Five times New York Times bestseller - Coach and TV appearance personality

• The shadow inside is the person you would rather not be. • White, like perfect love, is not the absence of color but the inclusion of all color. • The divine and the diabolical lie dormant within us, look within to your own psyche, integrate and see this is OK to become whole. • List your least favorite attributes, play with them until you can see the gifts in these. Divine is not perfect, it is being whole. • Be gentle with others and do not judge harshly, gently watching for some of your attributes in others.

ELEM E n T KEY

Whether you like it or not, if you are human you have a shadow or attributes you do not like. Become whole by seeing them and their gift to you.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 36


Michael Dell Direct from Dell: Strategies that Revolutionized an Industry

- 1999 - Started Dell, computers direct to consumers

• Think unconventionally • Despise the status quo

- Loved taking computers apart, idea germinated in freshman year

• Set big goals that may just be do-able

- Multi-billion dollar company with over 40,000 employees

• Focus on your possibilities

• Love change

- Self-made

ELEM E n T KEY

Do fewer things, better. The simpler you make life for people, the more valuable you will be.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 37


Dan Millman Body Mind Mastery

- 1999 - Former world champion athlete - College Professor - Bestselling author published in more than 20 languages

• You reshape your life by being aware and integrating your body, mind and emotions through training. • Fear of failure generates vicious circles that create what you fear. Make peace with failure, treating as an old friend playing a practical joke. • Be free of self-criticism, just keep practicing and be gentle with yourself. • Stay relaxed and focus on constructive action. • Your body will sculpt over time with daily habits of exercise and diet so keep your desire for change strong.

ELEM E n T KEY

This, and every moment, is the moment of truth. Freedom from mental distractions equals power.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 38


Richard Koch The 80/20 Principle

- 1999 - Author, businessman and consultant

• Pareto Principle of 80/20 is everywhere – 20% of people own 80% of wealth; 20% of criminals commit 80% of crimes.

- Several International bestsellers

• 20% of what you do yields 80% of results, with 80% of your effort yielding very little, the Principle of Least Effort. • Applies to goals, business, friends, diet, relationships and all areas of your life. • Be unreasonable and go after big, but few, focused goals. • Spend time and emotional energy only those things that are important to you.

ELEM E n T KEY

20% of effort gets 80% of results. Target a limited number of activities and goals and ruthlessly focus - do less to achieve more!

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 39


Bill Phillips Body For Life

- 1999 - A New York Times Bestseller

• Identify reasons to change, get a future vision of yourself and decide to change.

- 12 week training and diet regimen

• Identify 3 old habits holding you back and 3 new empowering habits.

- Hundreds of thousands used the program - Inspirational personal case stories

• Eat 6 small healthy meals per day having carbohydrates and protein, including vegetables with at least two of the meals. • Muscle is 70% water, drink 10 glasses per day. • Alternate days, 20 minutes aerobic exercise and 45 minute strength training (Sunday’s free). Repetitions not as important as building to High Points (maximum intensity) per muscle group.

ELEM E n T KEY

Can transform your body in 12 weeks, when you gain control of your body, you will gain control of your life.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 40


Thomas Stanley The Millionaire Mind

- 2000 - Author interviewed and questioned over 700 wealthy people

• Wealth is linked to courage and belief in their ability to generate wealth. • Do a variety of jobs, then settle to do work that you love to do.

- Part of successful bestseller Millionaire series

• The harder you work, the luckier you get.

- Holds a business doctorate and was a Professor at Georgia University

• A successful marriage is a significant factor in success.

• Millionaire’s are frugal yet don’t do DIY, control you finances from the start and do not be reliant on credit.

ELEM E n T KEY

Millionaire minds are not born, they are a set of habits and attitudes anyone can cultivate.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 41


Robin Sharma The Saint, The Surfer And The CEO

- 2002 - Former lawyer, now bestselling author and professional speaker - Fictional work of Jack Valentine who meets his Dad’s mentors - Also wrote, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari, an International bestseller

• Saint’s insight: trust and open up to how the world really works. To thine own self be true, direct yourself at what you love to do. • Surfer’s insight: reflect, if your inner world is healthy and complete, the simplest basic things will fill your heart and soul. • Surfer’s insight: live with a greater sense of perspective and appreciation of life and the truth. • Surfer’s insight: live your best life. • CEO insight: the one who gives the most, wins (do the best you can and serve others).

ELEM E n T KEY

There is a sleeping giant inside everyone, miracles happen when you open your inner self and that giant awakes.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 42


Martin Seligman Authentic Happiness

- 2002 - Former President of the American Psychological Association - Bestselling author - University Professor

• Happiness and well-being are the desired outcomes of Positive Psychology. • Through the ages, the six core virtues are : (1) wisdom and knowledge (2) courage (3) love and humanity (4) sense of justice (5) temperance (6) spirituality and transcendence. • Do not devote overly much effort to correcting your weaknesses, build and use your signature strengths. • Wealth creates a ‘pleasant life’, a good life is using your signature strengths daily to produce authentic happiness and abundance. • Beyond a job or career, for if you can find a way to use your signature strengths at work often, and they also contribute to the greater good, you have a calling.

ELEM E n T KEY

The good life consists in deriving happiness by using your signature strengths every day in the main realms of living. The meaningful life adds one more component: using these strengths to forward knowledge, power or goodness.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 43


Richard Wiseman The Luck Factor

- 2003 - Started as a professional magician

• The lucky personality creates, notices and acts upon chance opportunities in their lives to manufacture their luck.

- Doctorate from Edinburgh University

• Have a relaxed attitude to people and life, the openness to new experiences allows you see what is there.

- Book followed an eight year study

• Trust your intuition and foster a better relationship with your unconscious.

- Several scholarly articles and television appearances business advisor and lecturer

• Expect the best, believe and persevere as this becomes self-fulfilling. • Lucky people also have bad times, yet they seek out the learning experience and never believe that their bad times are permanent.

ELEM E n T KEY

Luck is less related to chance than we may think, it is about a lucky mindset and approach to life.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 44


Byron Katie Loving What Is

- 2003 - Several bestsellers

• When I argue with reality, I lose.

- Her mission is to end suffering due to stressful beliefs and see reality

• Stay in your business and out of others, see everything as a friend. • Do not be overwhelmed by stressful thoughts but they are compassionate alarm clocks alerting us. • Problems often misperception in wrong thinking. • Throw “should” away, stress comes from the stories we tell ourselves.

ELEM E n T KEY

Take a stressful thought and ask -

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Is it true? Can I absolutely know it is true? How do I react when I think that thought? Who would I be without the thought? Turn it around and state it as an opposite and reflect!

Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 45


Jack Canfield The Success Principles

- 2004 - He has sold more than 100 million copies, including Chicken Soup for the Soul series

• Take 100% responsibility

- Success coach with audiences across 20 countries

• Make a list of 30 things you want to do, 30 things you want to have and 30 things you want to be, before you die.

• Get a purpose and be clear why you are here, believing the world and events will conspire to help you achieve.

• It is all about attitude and being prepared to do your own push-ups. • Focus on your goals and remember that others are not thinking about you but are too busy worrying about their own lives.

ELEM E n T KEY

If you are clear where you are going and take several steps in that direction everyday, you eventually have to get there.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 46


Wayne Dyer The Power Of Intention

- 2005 - Holds a PhD

• Act as if everything you desire is already here.

- Internationally acclaimed speaker and author of more than 30 books

• Four steps of intention are Discipline, Wisdom, Love and Surrender. • Hit the delete button every time fear appears. • Contemplate what you want instead of what you don’t have. • Say ‘Yes’ to life, you must be what it is you are seeking; if you want peace, start by being peace.

ELEM E n T KEY

Surrender, there is a force greater than you guiding the universe and manifesting your desires. Relax and trust this power of intention.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 47


Rhonda Byrne The Secret

- 2006 - Many thought leaders contributed to book

• Law of Attraction means ‘like attracts like’, so when you think a thought, you are also attracting ‘like’ thoughts and events to you.

- Global phenomena and International accompanying film release

• Nothing, good or bad, can come into your experience unless you summon it through persistent thoughts.

- Record rate of sales for the first 5 million copies sold

• Step 2: Believe

• Step 1: Ask

•Step 3: Receive • To receive, you must be open and feel good.

EYesEtLiEoMnEsn T KQu

The Great Secret of Life is the Law of Attraction.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 48


Russell Simmons Do You!

- 2007 - “Innovative and influential figure” - New York Times

• See your vision and stick with it. Focus on your effort instead of results of that effort.

- Hip-hop mogul

• Focus on Doing You, meditate for a clear and focused mind and it will last a lifetime.

- Uses inspiring stories to teach the lessons - Spiritual entrepreneur

• Start each day by reflecting on all the things you can be grateful for, love the world! • Use your talents and do not stall for the pain of avoiding work is more than the actual work itself. • Age ain’t nothing but a number and the biggest thing that separates you from the success you seek is fear.

EYesEtLiEoMnEsn T KQu

In the end, the overriding factor in whether or not you realize your dreams is going to be you. Not the world. YOU.

www.FathersInMotion.com

Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 49


Rupert McKerron How To Have A Big Life

- 2007 - Merchant Banker and entrepreneur

• Your talent brings you joy and points to your purpose in life, so listen to your feelings and intuition to follow your dreams.

- Left London due to Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to pursue his dreams in South Africa

• Control and mock the anxious little voice of your conscious mind. • Daily repetition of positive affirmation statements, even if not feel right initially, to guide the subconscious. • Have big written goals that are unique for you, understanding you will not get there in a straight line – just do it! • Enjoy living in the present and choose to see the world, not as tough or unfair, but abundant and full of opportunities.

EYesEtLiEoMnEsn T KQu

Do what is right for YOU.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 50


Marci Shimoff with Carol Kline Happy For No Reason

- 2008 - New York Times bestselling author

• Depression is a global illness. Do not pursue happiness, make a habit of it.

- Co-author of five Chicken Soup for the Soul Series

• Internal “happiness setpoint” that is 50% genetic, 10% circumstances and wealth but 40% habitual thoughts and feelings. Increase your setpoint by looking at your habits.

- Featured in The Secret sensation - Prolific International speaker

• Respond to events in a way that supports your inner peace, quieten your mind and Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs), authentically be velcro for positivity and teflon for negativity. • Cherokee Indian story – inside each person are two battling wolves, Unhappiness and Happiness. Which will win? The one that you feed. • Actively remove “blaming” and have the true intention to notice everything good.

EYesEtLiEoMnEsn T KQu

Happy for no reason is not a grinning fool. It is about an underlying state of well-being where you live from happiness rather than for happiness.

www.FathersInMotion.com

Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 51


Esther and Jerry Hicks Money, And The Law Of Attraction

- 2008 - International Bestseller - Claims to channel from spiritual link - Abraham-Hicks teachings Hold workshops in 60 cities per year

• Most valuable skill is directing your thoughts to what you want, then giving undivided attention to that. • Consciously pivot out of negative thoughts to positive when they arise. • There is nothing you cannot be or do and your work here is to seek joy. • Shortage of a connection to the Energy that creates the world is at the heart of any shortage you experience in other areas. • For when you feel good, you are in harmony with your greater intent.

EYesEtLiEoMnEsn T KQu

Nothing more detrimental to positively attract the life you want, are negative emotions and thoughts.

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

BOOK 52


H E R S I N M O T IO N

QUOTES - WISDOM SOUND BITES Kernels of truth are often evident in short quotations Bumper Sticker insight Read through some of these, if any resonant or catch your eye, think on why that is and what about this short quote would I wish to share with my son. It is less about the quote itself, more your underlying interpretation of this piece of insight that is of value in sharing.

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Copyright Š Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

FA T


~ Henry Longfellow

“Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds” ~Joseph Conrad - Achievement “I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts” ~John Locke - Achievement “Action is eloquence” ~Shakespeare - Achievement “Better to wear out than rust out” ~Anonymous - Action “Nothing accomplishes nothing” ~Bahya Paguda - Action “Lose an hour in the morning and you will be looking for it the rest of the day” ~Lord Chesterfield - Action “To be or not to be, that is your decision” ~Pat Paradwoski - Action “There is only one proof of ability - results. Men with ability in action get results” ~Harry Banks - Action “Adventures are to the adventurous” ~Benjamin Disraeli - Adventure “If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain” ~Dolly Parton - Adversity “Adversity causes some men to break, others to break records” ~William Arthur Ward - Adversity “It is difficulties that show what men are” ~Epictetus - Adversity “Do not hold everything as gold that shines like gold” ~Alain de Lille - Appearances

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done”


~Anonymous - Attitude

“We may convince others by our arguments; but we can only persuade them by their own” ~Joseph Joubert - Arguments “Your attitude determines your altitude” ~Zig Ziglar - Attitude “A new attitude…invariable creates a new result” ~Anonymous - Attitude “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover” ~ Mark Twain - Attitude “If you think you can, or if you think you cannot; You are probably right” ~Henry Ford - Beliefs “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go” ~T.S Elliot - Boldness “A life in fear is a life half lived” ~Anonymous - Boldness “It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees” ~Dolores Ibarruri - Boldness “Let thy speech be short, comprehending much in few word” ~The Bible - Ecclesiasticus 32:8 Brevity “Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson - Business “Good bargains are pick-pockets” ~Thomas Fuller - Business “The buyer needs a hundred eyes, the seller but one” ~George Herbet - Business “Be ever watchful of advice where the giver stands to gain” ~Anonymous - Business

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“Excellence can be attained if you…care more than the others think is wise; risk more than the others think is safe; dream more than others think is practical and expect more than others think is possible”


~Mark Twain

“The only certainty is that nothing is certain” ~Pliny the Elder - Certainty “Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is an absurd one” ~Voltaire - Certainty “Things are not to happen to you, they must happen because of you” ~Anon - Change “The easiest way to manage change is to create it” ~Dr. Molapo - Change “A prisoner of the past; or pioneer of the future” ~Anon - Change “If you want something that you have never had before; You must do something you have never done before” ~Anon - Change “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson - Character “Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody” ~Mark Twain - Character “A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. ~Mark Twain - Character ”As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” ~James Allen - Character “The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others” ~Hasidic saying - Confidence “They can because they think they can” ~Virgil - Confidence “You can do anything in this world if you're prepared to take the consequences” ~W. Somerset Maugham - Consequences

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“When one's character begins to fall under suspicion and disfavour, how swift, then, is the work of disintegration and destruction.”


~Henry David Thoreau “When written in Chinese the word 'crisis' is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity” ~John F. Kennedy

“They have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind” ~The Bible: Hosea 8:7 - Consequences “Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago” ~Bernard Berenson - Consistency “There is no such thing as a conversation. It is an illusion. There are intersecting monologues, that is all” ~Rebecca West - Conversation “One man with courage is a majority” ~Andrew Jackson - Courage “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear” ~Mark Twain - Courage “Courage is failing repeatedly without losing enthusiasm” ~Winston Churchill - Courage “When we make a committed decision to change, we switch roles from slave to master” ~Steve Wharton - Courage “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” ~Anais Nin - Courage “If you don''t have the courage to face your fear, you will spend your life in the wings” ~Anais Nin - Courage “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.” ~Anais Nin - Courage “Never pay attention to what critics say. Remember, a statue has never been set up in honour of a critic” ~Jean Sibelius - Critics “The three D's: Desire, Determination and Discipline” ~Dr. Molapo - Desire “There are only three ways to change the trajectory of our lives: crises, chance or choice” ~Sarah Ban Breathnack - Destiny

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.”


“Conform and be dull” ~James Frank Dobie - Different “Diplomacy - The art of saying "Nice doggie" till you can find a rock” ~Wynn Catlin - Diplomacy “Celebrate diversity” ~Mike Lipkin - Diversity “Desire is the very essence of man” ~Benedict de Spinoza - Dreams “As long as you are going to think, you might as well think BIG” ~Donald Trump - Dreams “You must do the thing you think you cannot do” ~Eleanor Roosevelt - Dreams “In dreams begins responsibility” ~W.B. Yeats - Dreams “Seldom does an individual exceed his own expectations” ~Anon - Dreams “If there were dreams to sell, what would you buy” ~Thomas Lovell Beddoes - Dreams “To accomplish great things, we must not only act but also dream. Not only plan but believe” ~Anatole France - Dreams “Only the educated are free” ~Epictetus - Education “If it is to be, it is up to me” ~Various - Empowerment “We act as though luxury and comfort were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about” ~Charles Kingsley - Enthusiasm

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“Destiny is not a matter of chance; it is a matter of choice” ~Anonymous Destiny


~Henry David Thoreau

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson - Enthusiasm “Enthusiasm is the most convincing orator; it is like the infallible law of nature. The simplest man, fired with enthusiasm, is more persuasive than the most eloquent man without it” ~Franklin Field ~ Enthusiasm “Do not wish to be anything but what you are and try to be that perfectly” ~St Francis de Sales - Esteem “The only person you need to prove anything to is yourself” ~David Gethings - Esteem “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live” ~Goethe - Esteem “Use what talent you possess: the woods would very silent if no birds sang except those that sang the best” ~Henry van Dyke - Esteem “He who undervalues himself is justly undervalued by others” ~William Hazlitt - Esteem “You must be the change you wish to see in the world” ~Mahatma Ghandi - Esteem “Now one will see in you that which you do not see in yourself” ~Anonymous - Esteem “If you put a small price on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price” ~Anonymous - Esteem “A good example is the best sermon” ~Thomas Fuller - Example “We are not excited because we are succeeding. We are succeeding because we are excited” ~Anonymous - Excitement “Excitement is like electricity - very little works without it” ~Anonymous - Excitement

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with unexpected success”


~William Ward

“Without experience there can be little wisdom” ~Shiela West - Experience “Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards” ~Vernon Law - Experience “Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step” ~Dr. Martin Luther King - Faith “Live by publicity, you'll probably die by publicity” ~Russel Baker - Fame “No man is a hero to his valet” ~Madame de Cornuel - Familiarity “There is no strong performance without a little fanaticism in the performer” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson - Fanaticism “The harder I practice, the luckier I get” ~Gary Player - Focus “If you care at all, you'll get some results. If you care enough, you'll get incredible results” ~Jim Rohn - Focus “The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing” ~Anonymous - Focus “What we see mainly depends on what we look for ” ~John Lubbock - Focus “Make sure you are running to something, not away from something” ~Anonymous - Future “Man has his future within him, dynamically alive at this present moment” ~Abraham Maslow - Future “The best way to predict the future, is to create it” ~Jason Kaufmann - Future “I hope that I may always desire more than I can accomplish” ~Michelangelo - Goals

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“The gates of opportunity and advancement swing on these four hinges: initiative, industry, insight and integrity”


“Nothing is impossible when we follow our inner guidance“ ~G. Jampolshy - Goals “Not failure, but low aim, is crime” ~James Russell Lowell - Goals “One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar” ~Helen Keller - Goals “Every country has the government it deserves” ~Joseph Marie de Maistre - Government “It is not how much we have but how much we enjoy that makes happiness” ~Charles Spurgeon - Happiness “I've learned that happiness is like perfume, you can't give it away without getting a little on yourself” ~Anonymous - Happiness “Freedom is always and exclusively freedom for the one who thinks differently” ~Roas Luxemburg - Ideas “There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it” ~Edith Wharton - Ideas “All achievement, all earned riches, have their beginning in an idea” ~Napoleon Hill - Ideas “You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration“ ~James Allen - Imagination “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams” ~Eleanor Roosevelt - Imagination “A new life is but a new mind” ~James Allen - Imagination “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” ~William Shakespeare - Imagination

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire; you will what you imagine; and at last you create what you will” ~George Bernard Shaw


~Indira Ghandi - Job “The best preparation for tomorrow is to do today's work superbly well” ~Sir William Osler - Job

“You paid according to your skills; not according to bills” ~Dr Molapo - Job “Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue” ~Roger Anderse - Job “Motivation is not enough. If you have an idiot and you motivate him, now you have a motivated idiot” ~Jim Rohn - Knowledge “Doubt grows with knowledge” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe - Knowledge “Leadership is an action, not a position” ~Anonymous - Leadership “There is a great man who makes every man feel small. But the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great” ~G.K. Chesterton - Leadership “Turn scars of the past into stars of the future” ~Anonymous - Lessons “You cannot do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth” ~Shira Tehrani - Life “We regret more the things we didn't do than the things we did do” ~Anonymous - Life “The great man is he who does not lose his child's heart” ~Mencius - Life “Don't be so busy making a living that you forget to make a life” ~Anonymous - Life “One hundred percent of the shots you don't take do not go in” ~Wayne Gretzkey - Life “Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all” ~Helen Keller - Life

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was less competition there”


~Micheal Landon - on his deathbed

“We have met the enemy and he is us” ~Walt Kelly “Love is when you stop keeping score” ~Anonymous

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is” ~Albert Einstein - Life “Live your life as an Exclamation and not an Explanation” ~Bob Newton - Life “If you asked me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you I came to live my life out loud” ~Emile Zola - Life “My barn burn't down, but now I can see the moon” ~Zen - Life “All men die but not every man really lives” ~Mel Gibson - Life “Life is full of cactus but we don't have to sit on it” ~Anonymous - Life “Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same” ~Anonymous - Love “No three words have greater power than "I Love You" ~Anonymous - Love ”Love is a gift, not an obligation, follow your heart and always trust the person you love” ~Anonymous - Love “I have spread my dreams beneath your feet, tread softly because you tread on my dreams” ~W.B. Yeats - Love “Love is being silly and stupid together” ~Anonymous - Love “There can be no real freedom without the freedom to fail” ~Eric Hoffer - Mistakes

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Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“Someone should tell us we are busy dying when we are born, because then we would really appreciate life”


~Mark Spit “Fail to prepare, and prepare to fail”

“The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything William Connor” ~Magee - Mistakes “Necessity knows no law” ~Mark Twain - Necessity “I think it is an immutable law in business that words are words, explanations are explanations, promises are promises - but only performance is reality” ~Harold Geneen - Performance

~Anon “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity“ ~Elmer Letterman

“All things are difficult before they are easy” ~John Norley - Perserverance “The man who persists in knocking will succeed in entering” ~Moses Ibn Ezra - Persistence “Any thought put into your mind, and nourished regularly, will produce results in your life” ~John Kehoe - Perspective “Your mind creates your reality. You can choose to accept this or not. But your mind will always and forever be creating your reality.” ~John Kehoe - Perspective “Success is simply a matter of luck, ask any failure“ ~Anonymous - Planning ”There is a time in the life of every problem when it is big enough to see, yet small enough to solve” ~Mike Leavitt - Problems “It is better to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.” ~Mark Twain - Reality “All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience” ~Goethe - Self

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“We all love to win but how many people love to train”


~Alec Issigonis “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now” ~Anon “May you live all the days of your life” ~Jonathan Swift

“You will become whatever you consistently think about yourself” ~John Kehoe - Self “I will act as if what I do makes a difference” ~William James- Self “I don't know the exact key to success but I do know the key to failure is trying to please everybody” ~Anonymous - Success “It takes as much stress to be a success as it does to be a failure” ~Emilio Trujillo - Success “It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try help another without helping himself” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson - Teamwork “My soul has a wordless song for you” ~Andrina - Teamwork “You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist” ~Indira Ghandi - Teamwork “As you change your thoughts towards people, people change toward you” ~John Kehoe - Teamwork “Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened!” ~Anon - Unknown “When an object or purpose is clearly held in thought, its precipitation in tangible and visible form is merely a question of time. The vision always precedes and itself determines the realization” ~Lillian Whiting - Vision

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

“A camel is a horse designed by a committee”


~Pythagoras

“Before you can make a great dream come true, you must first have a great dream” ~Mike Lipkin - Vision ”Winning is easy. It is deciding to become a winner that is hard” ~Flint Pattison - Winning “Whether they yield or refuse, it delights women to have been asked” ~Ovid - Women

Disclaimer: We have tried our best to correctly ascribe quotations to people, yet cannot warrant the quote or who it is attributed to due to various sources used. With that said, it is the idea behind the quote rather than the exact quote or person ascribed to, that is important. For key ideas from the books, we do not in any way hold this out to be our content, but it is that of the book authors referred to and it is recommend that you purchase and read these if you wish to have a deeper understanding. www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

"Choices are the hinges of destiny”

“Challenge yourself to greatness” ~John Kehoe - Vision


My Notes

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UNIT THREE - WISDOM OF THE AGES

QUOTATIONS


UNIT FOUR UNIT THREE - RITE - WISDOM OF PASSAGE: OF THE MY AGES GIFT TO YOU

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin

First Rite of Passage Son, My Gift To You


T S Elliot “Never confuse ~motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

We tend to praise, scold and acknowledge our growing boys in their everyday lives. This is different. It is more of a formal process with a heightened meaning to him, complete with a symbolic gesture of a gift that is personal and specific on his journey to becoming a man. The experience is enhanced for you and your son when the various elements come together: verbal acknowledgement, and a symbolic personal gift with value placed on the time spent and energy of the presence of other men in the process.

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UNIT FOUR UNIT THREE - RITE - WISDOM OF PASSAGE: OF THE MY AGES GIFT TO YOU

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly know how far one can go”


There are few prouder moments when a son is acknowledged by becoming a man to his father in the presence of other men.

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin

RITE OF PASSAGE There are several rites of passage in this program where you will acknowledge your Son’s journey to manhood. As he awakens himself to his role of becoming a man, you want to share this journey with him, and in doing so strengthen a lifetime bond in his appreciation that you, his Father, sees him through those eyes. When your pride shines through, the bond becomes that much stronger. WHAT WE DO In summary, we engage with a group of men, usually your friends, family members or colleagues, to share ‘what it means to be a man’ in a specific process. This is later captured in writing and crafted into a personal book that is printed (we provide all the templates and tools to execute this) and later presented to your son during your acknowledgement process of him becoming a man.

Qu e

st i on s

Do you recall when you were young; did your Dad explicitly acknowledge you becoming a man? Did it happen at all? How did, or would that, of made you feel as a young man?

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

MY GIFT TO YOU


~Benjamin Franklin

TWO STEPS There are two steps, the group sharing and the gift (personalized book) you present to your son later. STEP 1: GROUP SHARING • Set a date and time with your son when this will take place, normally about two weeks out. As there are other people involved, it is imperative that he is on time. Share with him that you are inviting a few men around to share with him what their life experiences have been about being a man, and that this process, as a father, is important. • Talk to and invite between 6 and 8 men who you truly admire and respect; they can be friends, extended family members, neighbors or colleagues. Ensure they understand the importance of this process to you. • The time, date and venue is clear and to be honored by all those you invite. • Choose men who are admirable in their achievements or approach to life. Hopefully these are men your son likes and is likely to respect, but certainly men who you respect. • Each man should be prepared to talk and share with your son in a group setting “What it means to be a man?” and what they have learned on their journeys. Ask them to try and include personal anecdotes to illustrate a point. Ask them to have one or two key pieces of wisdom they wish to share and not a long list. They are to prepare ahead of time and to speak for between 3 to 5 minutes each. • The setting should be quiet and support a group sharing interaction without distractions. A preferred setting is sitting around a fire-pit around sunset; preferably sitting in a circle (try avoid sitting around tables). • When the group meets in a circle, including you and your son, take control of the tone by addressing the group covering a few areas: That your son is becoming a man and as a father, you think it is important for him to learn and share from other men that you admire, ‘what it means to be a man’. That this is important to you and appreciate the time they have taken out • Set an informal tone, but ask everyone to treat it with respect and pay uninterrupted attention when a person is sharing (although not an overly ‘serious’ process, one person who jokes too much, or who has one drink too many, or does not give due

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

“Never confuse motion with action”


• Further state that what is shared here is personal and we respect that; that everything said here is confidential. • Address your son that you feel that this is important as you now see him as becoming a man and this is something you wish to do for him. • Ask your son if he wishes to say anything to the group before you start. • Repeat that everyone will share a personal experience of “what it means to be a man”, and start with one of the men in the circle, each will speak for 3 to 5 minutes each. • Have one of the men write the key points of each story into short notes. • Process Insights: • You may need subtle intervention when some-one carries on too long or when a participant starts debating a point or wishing to make this a discussion process before others have shared. • What you wish to achieve is each person having uninterrupted time to share his view, without debate or defense, with your son. Once a man is finished, you should thank that person and move onto the next man in the circle. • In some cases, you may wish to ask some-one prior to the meeting to manage the process to free you up to focus on what is being said (the content). • Once everyone has shared, you share your story of “What it means to be man?” and what you have learned in your journey, sticking to the 3 to 5 minute guideline. • Then, ask your Son if he wants to make any comments to the group or reflections on what was shared. • Finally, going around the circle once more person by person, ask if they have any additional closing comments or reflections on what we did. • Close the process by acknowledging your son that you see him becoming a man and how this process was important to you, and sincerely thank everyone for their time and effort.

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

attention or is disruptive can truly decrease the value of the experience). Be sure distractions like mobile phones are turned off. Explain that when one is sharing, that there should be no commentary or interruptions as it is that person’s time to share.


In this final step and at a later time, you meet with your son one-on-one.

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin

Choose the location in a quiet setting, such as your study or on the patio, somewhere informal. This will be after the group sharing meeting and can be from a few days later to a few weeks depending on your path chosen with the book as noted below. You share with him: • • • • • • • •

You wanted to thank him for sharing the group process with you You see him becoming a man and are so proud of watching him in this transition You love, respect and admire him more than words will ever express You have a small gift for him, a book entitled ‘A Man’s Journey’ and may he take it with the spirit in which you are giving it The gift is that wisdom is the simplification of knowledge and if he just chooses a few major truths to follow as he becomes a man, his journey will be largely enriched Present the book to your Son Ask him how he feels now that you, his Dad, see his deeply loved Son now becoming a man Finish by giving him a big hug

You can elect to use the book “A Man’s Journey” that is included with this program, or alternatively, and which is strongly encouraged, you can fully customize and personalize the book. We have provided the entire book as a template on the CD (or can be downloaded from our website) that you can customize to add a picture of your son and you to the inner sleeves, and add your wisdom and what was shared at your group sharing session. Essentially we provide a template of our book and you may change it to become a completely personalized and customized gift from you to him. Pictures, thoughts and words you wish to share with him come directly from you. On our website is a PDF version of the template that you can view and then a template that you can personalize for your pictures, wisdom and thoughts, resulting in a hardcover book that you can present to your Son. The difference, despite the additional time and effort, will be worth it! It is part of chronicling your learning experiences and this process is part of your legacy.

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

STEP 2: SON, MY GIFT TO YOU


~Cathy Warner Weatherford

CREATING A CUSTOMIZED PERSONAL BOOK Included on the CD (or download from our website) is a full template of the book included in this guide (or able to be viewed in PDF from our website). The experience is deepened if you choose to build a customized, personalized book using pictures of your son, your thoughts and lessons and the sharing with other men that you put together in the first half of this unit. If you choose to produce a personalized book, which is strongly encouraged, then this will incur additional cost per customized book ordered (it is free to download and design) direct from the online publisher. We are not associated with Blurb yet in our experience, they have provedn to be a trusted supplier. We provide the template and you create and design free, and pay them per additional personalized book sent directly to you, to cover publishing and shipping costs. Macro Steps Overview: 1. Register at Blurb.com, with FREE online book publishing tool. 2. Using our template, edit and personalize the book for your son (his picture, your words and thoughts) and what was shared at your group sharing process. 3. Have the book printed and delivered to you, where you present to him in a manner outlined above.

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

“What you teach your own children is what you really believe in."


1. Go to www.blurb.com 2. Register free as a new member (top right of the home page).

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin

3. From their home page, download and follow the instructions to install the free editing tool Blurb Booksmart onto your computer (hint: when asked to Save or Run, choose Run to install). 4. Insert the CD with this program guide that contains the book template or download the template from our website. 5. Open Blurb Booksmart from your computer. From the options presented on opening, select Import Book (or if the panel is not presented, select on the top menu File, then select New book from template) then navigate to the CD (or location your stored the website download) then select the folder Fathers In Motion A Man's Journey/blurb to select the file Fathers In Motion A Man's Journey.booktemplate and choose Open – it will then start to Import the book. 6. Save the book with your name (File/Rename Fathers In Motion Your Name). 7. If required, on the www.blurb.com home page is a simple video overview of creating a book and a Help section towards the top right. 8. Edit the book to make it completely personal. a. To edit text Go to, and click on, the page you wish to edit using the panel at the bottom that has a thumbnail of the page, you can also use the sliders at the bottom of the page. On the main panel on the screen, click on the text you wish to change. Make any changes to the text. There are text formatting tools in the toolbar above the main panel. Use the Edit Book and Preview Book icons on the right hand side to move between previewing the book and when editing. b. To edit a picture To bring in a picture from your computer, click on Get photos icon on left panel, then choose My Computer and browse to your picture. Use high resolution pic’s and one that you have rights to. Consider www.istockphoto.com (with whom we are not associated), to purchase high quality pictures with rights. Be watchful of picture orientation and shape when selecting a picture. In the main panel, click on the pic you wish to change and press the Delete key. Identify your pic that will now be on the left panel that you want, and drag this to the main panel picture area that is now grey (to enhance alignment, right click on the picture if required).

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

DETAILED STEPS:


~William D. Tammeus

9. The book has a mix of content from you and then that from other men. Consider using this layout and including the names of whose advice it was from your group sharing session, then use pictures that go with the idea of the advice being shared. 10. When complete, from the top main menu first File/Save then select Publish/Order Book – where it will upload from your computer to Blurb and follow the on screen instructions. Once uploaded, select and save the Settings (eg privacy) on the first page. Now you can preview and order. From being uploaded, you need to order within 15 days for it to stay in Blurb on the web, or otherwise need to upload again if do not order in the 15 day window period. SHARING: A nice feature when previewing is the Share option on the bottom left where you can send the link to friends. If you wish to share your story with our community of strong Fathers, copy the url of your book at Blurb and post it to the Fathers In Motion facebook or web page, and we will share this and inspire others with your story!

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

“You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around and why his parents will always wave back.”

ADVANCED: If you wish to make advanced changes, you can add, edit, delete or change the shape of the picture or text areas by using the Edit Layout icon on the top panel On the top panel you can add or remove pages In the bottom panel, can hold and drag to re-order pages There is a minimum number of 20 pages required when designing, the number of pages in the template Use high resolution pics to get the best printed quality Blurb has a warning triangle that appears when the pic resolution is too low (choose a higher resolution picture) or if the text (“clipped text”) does not fit in the area. Try reduce text or sometimes caused by empty returns on the Enter key. A note from Blurb If the warnings won’t go away and the page looks good in preview mode (if no text is missing), then you can ignore the warning and upload/order away


FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

When you order a personalized book, there is a cost per book you pay directly to Blurb based on your options. This is a limited run book and at the time of writing, was approximately $20 to $30 per book. We are not associated with Blurb. There are other online book publishers you can use, for example www.shutterfly.com and others - our template is designed to work with Blurb. Before ordering, visit our website www.FathersInMotion.com to get an updated status on any coupons we have reserved for you. For the book you will give to your son, we recommend ordering the Hardcover rather than the Softcover. We suggest using the Image Wrap where the cover picture is printed onto the book rather than the less durable Dust Jacket.The Dust Jacket overtime tends to not wear as well yet it provides an inner front and back sleeve (where on the template, pictures of you and your Son can be included). If you elect the Image Wrap, you will lose the sleeve area so include in the body of the book any pictures you want included. Both choices give that high quality, coffee table book feel. The outcome is special!

Hint:

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Understanding there is a cost implication, consider order a few more copies than you anticipate as we have seen the impact when friends, grandparents and family see the book and they want one.

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin


UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

Picture For Illustration Only

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~ Cathy Warner Weatherford

Picture For Illustration Only To read, refer accompanying Book

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

“Never confuse motion “What you teach your with action” ownchildren is what ~Benjamin Franklin you reallybelieve in"


Picture For Illustration Only www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

Every page, both pictures and words, can be changed as you wish


Picture For Illustration Only www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

Every page, both pictures and words, can be changed as you wish


UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

Picture For Illustration Only

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

Picture For Illustration Only

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Picture For Illustration Only www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

Every page, both pictures and words, can be changed as you wish


UNIT FOUR - RITE OF PASSAGE: MY GIFT TO YOU

Picture For Illustration Only

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~ Zig Ziglar

FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

Special Personal Unique Imagine a Father making a coffee table book for his Son with his life lessons and thoughts Use the template and enjoy this unique event I am smiling while I am writing this

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UNIT FOUR UNIT THREE - RITE - WISDOM OF PASSAGE: OF THE MY AGES GIFT TO YOU

“A goal properly set, is halfway reached”


UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin

A Father’s Conversation


FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

The art of conversation between a Father and Son is really a lost art. He wants to hear your stories, your trials and tribulations and all the little things that make YOU who you are. There is an age factor, later than most Dads’ realize, when your son loves listening to you talk to others about how you and his mother met, how nervous you were and about……well, everything about your journey. The purpose of this module is to guide and prompt you in sharing your journey. This will lead him to appreciate the time you spend with him and offer a deeper sense of how you came to be where you are today. Upon this simple trust, he will start sharing his story or journey, as happens when trusted conversations evolve over time.

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin


~Ruth E. Renkel

CONVERSATION There are many different types of conversation. Most are about today’s issues, few about wisdom, and fewer still are just ordinary reminiscing and sharing. No real outcome will be produced by the last type, other than time well spent and a deeper sense of being connected. The art of conversation has changed over the years. There is a time in a boy’s life from when he is very young until his mid to late teens, when he wants to (really wants to!) hear his Dad’s stories. The best way to describe this is reminiscing and sharing. There is no outcome or objective. You are not trying to teach him lessons. You are simply passing on your story and allowing him to understand in a deeper sense that you didn’t just arrive one day as a father but it was a journey for you as it his for him. By simply taking the time and getting out of your busy mindset and conversing with him, his level of understanding and appreciation for you and your journey will broaden with deeper meaning over time. The best time is “whenever” providing there are no distractions. In the car, turn off the radio. On the patio, turn off games and electronic devices. This is not formal and he should not feel ‘processed’ but should be natural. It may feel a little awkward at first but over time it will become second nature. The “I” is you. The Dad. Your story. So what do I talk about?

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

“Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.”


The two questions we generally hear are: How do I start the conversation? Anyway that you are comfortable! Starting with ”I was just remembering……” tends to work well. What do I talk about? To prompt your thoughts of your journey, we include questions to jog your memory or assist in surfacing your memories. Don’t be afraid if you have told some of these stories before, The value is in sharing, so allow these to bubble up in your mind. Enjoy the process and understand this is only the beginning of many conversations to come. We loosely categorize these under five areas, with “I” being you, the Dad, and it’s your story to tell. • • • • •

Before I was born…… When I was growing up….. A young man, meeting your Mom….. When you were born and growing up….. Things that are important to me…..

Qu e

st i on s

Go back to when you were your Son’s age. How did you feel when your Dad told you his stories? Which stories do you remember? Would you have wanted your Dad to spend more time with you as a boy doing this?

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

The content is not as important as the time invested in sharing your story with him. Make it light, make it funny. But allow him some time, and you will see he will spontaneously start sharing his stories with you. It is important not to push this, but let it unfold naturally and give him the space he needs.


UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

“There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his Son, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.” ~John Brown

“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.” ~Anonymous

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Well, I was remembering….. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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Family stories and stories of ancestors told to me by my Dad and family Our original country of origin, tracing family history and stories Heirlooms and items that I have from my Dad, Grandpa and before them Recipes, family traditions, core beliefs, small ties or celebrations that bind My name, who I was named after, who came up with my name, what it means and where it comes from Quirks or physical attributes or habits from my side, or Mom’s side of the family How did Grandpa & Grandma grow up, what was their life like, what were their parents like How your Grandparents met, when did they marry and what I was told the wedding was like, amusing stories around the wedding or courting What my Dad told me, about his Dad, your Grandfather….. What jobs my Dad tried before he eventually settled on being a ….. How my Dad got along with his brothers and sisters Where my Dad lived and the type of house he lived in This is how my Dad described his life, both the kind of life he lived and how he wanted to live, what was he known for What was my Dad’s favorite sport, the dreams he had for himself and his children, how did he sacrifice What sort of man was my Grandpa, what did my Dad admire about him and what were his weaknesses, what did my Dad share about my Grandpa What sort of lady was my Grandma, why was she special and what my Dad remembers about her cooking and growing up in her home Memories of my Grandparents, outings, family celebrations, what I learned from him and what I recall, what he did for pleasure, how did he treat Grandma, was he happy in his older years, what were his greatest achievements

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

Before I was born…..


~Theodore M. Hesburgh

When I was growing up….. Well, I was remembering….. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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The very first memory I can recall Which schools I attended and memories of those schools Nicknames I had Was I teased and what that taught me Bedtime rituals and how my parents put me to sleep Fights that I got into, with whom, how they went and why, what did I learn What trouble/fun did we get into There was this one guy who always irritated me…. Who were my friends at school, what are my memories of them, I was known as…. What were the chores I did not like growing up What are the fondest recollections of my teenage years What is my biggest regret, my top achievements in my teenage years My family pet’s name was…. I always thought we were wealthy/average/poor relative to my friends due to… I landed in hospital when I…. Being mischevious, driving without a license, first cigarette, drinking alcohol I was excellent and won awards for…. My favorite activity, club or sport was…. and this is how I trained….and there was this one game I recall…. I remember being fearful of…. Talking in front of the class…. Being sent to the Principal’s office…. School excursions….Prom night….a ditching school memory….favorite school hangout place I was confident / shy …. type of person at school, this was due to …. and this impacted me in my school years in the following ways….I was known as… Did anyone pass away while I was growing up who was close or in the family, how did I feel, what was the funeral like, what the event meant to me I loved or disliked school because of….and if I had to do it again, I would do …. differently Favorite TV, movie shows, music and famous bands of the day

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

“The most important thing that a father can do for his children, is to love their mother.”


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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

• What were my fears at the time, how do I see them now. What this has taught me about dealing with my fears today • What I lived for • What made me really, really laugh • Who would I most like to see at a school reunion and how do I think they turned out • Subjects I excelled at and those I did poorly in …. • How I dressed, my shoes and my hairstyle – what was in fashion, I have pictures I want to show you…. • How life has changed in terms of way we spoke to parents, teachers and what we were taught at school • Going to Church and how I felt about it • Family vacations I took as a kid • What were my predominant thoughts and drives at the time • The technology we used compared to today • What my dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up


~Pascale

A young man, meeting your Mom….. Well, I was remembering….. • • • • • •

• • • • • • • •

• • • •

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When I was first attracted to girls My first date, I was scared and how I asked her out, my first kiss and being so over the moon…. I had a few girlfriends, this one in particular…. What I thought I had to do or achieve to attract girls An embarrassing thing I did while trying to court her I learnt about the birds and the bees from….what I have grown to know since then….losing my virginity….gift of lovemaking is a special gift….love is when you stop keeping score….that knot in your stomach….what I learned about the importance of being safe and responsible….of channeling sexual energy How I felt about dating at the time My first car was a …. and it cost….and what I loved about it was…. The day I first met Mom…. My first date with Mom…. Why I chose Mom…..and why I think she chose me….I think this is where I lived up to her expectations and this is where I still need to improve after all these years…. Meeting Mom’s parents for the first time I would describe our relationship before we got engaged as ….reflecting back, I could of done….better, to make her feel special Proposing to your mother, asking her father, choosing and buying an engagement ring, how I proposed and her reaction, how I felt….if I had to do it over again, what I would improve would be…. Getting married was awesome, the day started….bachelor party stories, what the church and your Mother looked like on her wedding day, wedding day speeches, how I felt and we should see the pictures, watch the video, we went to…. for our honeymoon and I can picture your Mother clearly on that day How I got my first job, what I was paid, what it was like University or college days…. How I chose my career In my early career, top achievements and biggest screw ups

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

"The sum of a man's problems, come from his inability to be alone in a silent room.“


Well, I was remembering….. • Your name, who you were named after, who came up with your name, what it means and where it comes from • How Mom told me she was pregnant with you and how I felt • Early arguments Mom and I coped with as is usual with the start of a new family • Describe how we, Mom & I, felt about each other in the early days of starting our family and crazy fun times we had • Our first home….it cost….my memories of that house • Our close friends at the time and what we did every summer or winter • Your birth, journey to the hospital, events surrounding that day • We expected a girl / boy and these were the names we were considering • Your first room, what it looked like and what we did to make it special • Your first words, first toy • Bedtime rituals and how we put you to bed • What Mom always cooked….my and your favorite meal, restaurant, dinner table habits, rituals and sayings • Why I smoked or which beer I drank….or chose never to smoke or drink ….. what I learnt watching friends and others……….one night I got really drunk • Family celebrations, holidays, romantic getaways and vacations we had as a family growing up • From my perspective, our family was special and different because of…. • My best memory of this time • My worst memory of this time • What I learned about managing fear and worry growing up and supporting our family • The key lesson I learned, the hard way, about managing money was…. • Our pets • Rushing you to the doctor or hospital…. • If I had describe in a single positive word or sentence, our family….about you…. about your Mother

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

When you were born and growing up…..


• • • •

Your best attribute or strengths that I saw in you as you grew My best attribute or strength that I saw in myself over those years My role model at the time What I remember about sports…..what I did….what you did….sporting events we went to together

~ Patricia Clafford

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

“The work can wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won’t wait while you do the work.”


Well, I was remembering….. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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You made me so proud when you…. What I expected of myself growing up and how it has turned out If I could do it all over again, what I would keep exactly the same If I could do it all over again, what would I do differently or wish turned out differently, why was that… If I would want you to keep or hand down one idea, tradition or story to your children, it would be… If I would want you to keep or hand down one thing to your children, it would be… How my sense of wisdom or helping others, has changed over the years How I feel about us (me, Mom, you, Grandparents) aging and how I see myself as the type of Grandparent I want to be My life motto is My favorite author is My favorite quotation is My take on the impact of attitude on my life has been…. How setbacks in hindsight proved to be opportunities for growth About friends and trusting people About having a life of balance, what are the principles of living a full life My deepest desire is for you to know that I love you as you are, and see you becoming…. I would want to be known for…. My best trait as a father…. Your best trait as my son…. How I would like to see you when you become a father and see you playing with your sons What is the one thing I truly hoped to have taught you and hope you will pass on to your sons

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UNIT FIVE - A FATHER’S CONVERSATION

Things that are important to me…..


UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

Let’s Walk In Your Shoes


H E R S I N M O T IO N

A treasure is found when a son truly trusts and confides in his father. Sure you have conversations and make small talk. As he gets older, these tend to become more superficial in nature. Often times, this is a learned response due to his adversity in disappointing you or his concern as to how you may react to what he is thinking or doing. The ritual dance and habits between the two of you, always trying to get him to do the right thing or criticizing because you want him to do better, can result in a father not being a close confidante. This is something he might not even be aware of. The norm is for fathers to be closed off from the more personal thoughts and concerns of their sons as they grow into young men. The purpose of this module is to guide you in a process where he will confide and deeply share with you, creating a treasured, trusted and lasting bond for life.

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

FA T


~ Lao Tzu

OBJECTIVE There are many different types of conversation. The treasured few are where a son confides in his father in real issues, concerns and thoughts. The ability to create the trust and environment where these types of conversations are fostered and are able to take place, requires a developed skill that we will help you with in this module. Men have a way of thinking – it’s called ‘solving the problem’. That is what we do! It is this ability to focus on the outcome or problem that makes us so good at what we do. Unfortunately it is also the same skill that often alienates sharing by our sons. If your son or anyone else has an ‘issue’ or problem, men generally approach it as follows: (i) give me a summarized version of the facts (ii) then, this is the solution to how you solve the problem. Our Two-Step solution framework is how we get ahead and remove problems. While this may work for the problem itself, it does not spawn into a level of discussion and trust that lie at the heart of being a true confidante. Just ask any woman! We achieve this in a process where we ensure the Conditions are built for trusted sharing first, then we take Steps in a manner where you actively listen to sharing their thoughts. Delay the first trigger response of rushing straight to the solution, your traditional end goal. Finally, we share examples with you of how you both open and then follow through on such a conversation. The objective is to actively listen and for your son to feel he can come to you with any issue and that you will “Walk In His Shoes”. For both the problem at hand and where he is in time and space - he needs to see you not only as his father, but as someone he can trust and confide in to help him work his way through life‘s issues. I have heard “I am his father, I do not need to be his best friend”. Agreed! This is about being more than a friend and expanding your son’s understanding of his inner self. Let me explain. By focusing on ‘fixing problems’ as the first route of action in your toolkit, it misses the growth process of intimately working through issues with you. A son has three levels of self knowledge. Level One:

What he knows and shares with others

Level Two:

What he knows and keeps to himself

Level Three: That which he does not know or see Level three is the gateway to self-knowledge and mastery. For example he may have a habit of www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

“He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted” ~Lao Tzu


So the process has several benefits that flow for your son, beyond that of a friend: First, by sharing and having questions raised. This assists him in gaining clarity on issues. By surfacing the various alternatives and options together on a non-emotional level, and identifying the consequences and likely outcomes, it will build his ability to make good decisions. Secondly, by the loop of his disclosure and our coaching and feedback, his world view will expand and he begins to understand an insight to Level Three above, removing his blinkers of limited thinking. This is where he begins learning about himself and possibilities on a whole new level – expanding his self-knowledge about himself. Lastly, you are building a skill-set of active listening that you can use in other areas of your life, including business, and consequentially passing on these skills to him through modeling.

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

being slightly rude without intention by not being aware of his body language. Despite bringing it up to him in the past, he does not see the flaw in his behavior. However, he continually reaps the consequence. For example, people do not easily or willingly help or befriend him. In this example, the lack of co-operation issue really stems from a deeper cause of a barrier initially created by his body language of which he is not explicitly aware. By working through issues with him in a guided way, we open the door to self mastery so that he can see that frequent issues in his life are symptoms of a very different cause.


~Bill Cosby

CONDITIONS This module is about you, Dad, learning to actively listen to your son. When your son feels like he can trust you in an unreserved way, that you are on his side and sharing his process, he will learn to confide in you. This means less of the automatic “Dad response” of solving problems (with often a little criticism thrown in for good measure), but of looking at how he really feels. It’s about gaining a true sense of a problem and then working through it with him and allowing him to find the answer with you. You are his Father and not his best friend, but certainly you want to be a Dad with whom he will closely confide and share. The steps we follow are in the following section. But for these to work, the ideal environment should be created over time, under the right conditions. If these do not currently exist, an awareness and concerted effort on your behavior as we move forward will start to establish these. The Three Conditions are: 1) Mutual Respect He must respect and trust you enough that he would confide in you. This comes from your behavior as a man and as a father; that you have walked your talk, including how you have spoken to him over time. 2) Confidentiality What he says to you, that you will treat with ultimate confidence. 3) Acceptance You are there for him, without judgment. Your first interest is not in lecturing him or solving the issue, but first and foremost simply in being there for him. You defer judgment of the issue and how this reflects on him. As you love him unconditionally, you will help him work through issues, regardless of what they are. This is easier said than done!

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

“Fatherhood is pretending that the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.”


H E R S I N M O T IO N

“A Dad is someone who can see the truth and pain in you even when you are fooling everyone else.” ~Anonymous “If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.” ~Anonymous "It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn't use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like "What about lunch?" ~A.A. Milne from Winnie-the-Pooh “A Father is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” ~Anonymous

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

FA T


~Erika Cosby

STEPS At the risk of repetition, this module is about you, Dad, learning to actively listen to your Son. When a son feels like he can trust you, that you are on his side and sharing his process, he will learn to open up more and more. It is a gradual process. First things first. The right environment must be created and the conditions must be in place for him to confide in you. Being by yourselves is important, so try create regular time when the two of you can spend time with each other, alone. I have found that creating a time, or habit, when you and your son just go for a simple walk, works incredibly well. In this manner, you can practice the four steps of active listening without him feeling ‘processed’ in any way. Son, I feel like going to walk, I would really like you to join me…. The Four Steps are: 1. 2. 3. 4.

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Accept Listen Understand Guide

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

“You know, father’s just have a way of putting everything together.”


H E R S I N M O T IO N

This is not only when there are issues to solve but for everyday discussion – when your son is excited, discussing life’s opportunities and just a way of truly learning to hear the other person and connect at a deeper level.

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

FA T


~Samuel Johnson

ACCEPT:

Suspend judgment or criticism Not looking for solution You are there for him only Creates a safe space for him to share By sharing he is not facing potential personal criticism

LISTEN:

Focus on how he is feeling Seeking to understand Hold back internal thoughts or building a response – just listen Limited words and positive body language Be very sensitive to actually what he is both saying in content, and how he is saying it to identify his feelings associated with the issue

UNDERSTAND:

Ask questions to clarify issues Ask questions so he can try see the deeper issue and create self-awareness Thought provoking questions surface often deeper drivers (cause) of what he sees as the issue (symptom)

GUIDE:

Respond to both the content and to how you perceive he is feeling about the issue Avoid instruction (words of “should”, “must”) but speak from your experience when facing a similar challenge Avoid rushing to the one solution with reasons, layout several alternatives for him to consider with consequences Changes the usual one directional solution response dynamic Sees you as a mentor in surfacing issues, deeply thinking through issues, identifying alternatives and consequences Move into role of mentor rather than solution provider where he runs the risk of how you are judging him

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

”There will always be a struggle between a father and a son, while one aims for power and the other for independence.”


YOU SEPARATE ISSUES FROM HIM AS A PERSON AND DEFER JUDGEMENT. YOU ARE THERE UNCONDITIONALLY TO SUPPORT HIM IN HIS THINKING AND DEVELOPMENT, NOT TO JUDGE OR LECTURE HIM OR EVEN SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS. YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM, WITH HIS BEST INTERESTS AT HEART. Pay attention and give him your undivided attention Look at him Let your body language and gestures show that you are engaged and listening with full concentration Nod or smile if appropriate, ensure your facial expression, body language and posture is open and inviting. Even when you hear things you do not like, do not allow facial expressions or body language to convey your disagreement or discomfort as he will infer this as judgment and immediately bring it back to a superficial discussion Don’t allow distracting thoughts but be completely focused on him Accept that his statements, views and conclusions are absolutely true for him, regardless if you disagree at this stage A judgmental facial expression, body language, comment or judgmental language of any sort (regardless of how small or subtle) will shut down open dialogue and close him off to meaningful communication. Without awareness of the notion, he will become mentally defensive, withdraw and change the topic as he has received verbal or non-verbal cue’s that he is in an unsafe environment to share his thoughts. Judgmental language is a subliminal flag that you need to avoid comments such as “you must/should /have to” or similar expressions that translate with absolute value Encourage him to speak freely, including expressing his feelings (even if at first you disagree or feel discomfort with the particular emotion). Other than with subtle cue’s of encouragement, let him speak and express freely and avoid the two major killers (i) do not interrupt him with your thoughts, always allow him to finish (ii) do not introduce sarcasm or inappropriate humor

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

ACCEPT


~Anthony Robbins

LISTEN ACTIVE LISTENING MEANS YOU FOCUS FIRST ON FEELINGS, THEN SECOND ON THE ISSUE YOU DO NOT SOLVE, YOU DO NOT INTERRUPT AND YOU LET HIM TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS HE NEEDS TO SHARE THIS IS IMPORTANT TO HIM, DO NOT MAKE HUMOROUS OR DISTRACTING COMMENTS, REMEMBER THIS IS HIS TIME Watch and be attentive to his choice of words, body language and tone of voice to gain perspective on how he is feeling Encourage him to talk with small verbal comments such as “Yes”, “OK”, “I see” or “uh huh” Do not interrupt, use inappropriate humor or offer advice of any kind at this stage Do not make small comments or questions to change subject or trajectory of his sharing Do not start thinking of a rebuttal, or anything you do not agree with, or the solution to the problem Your key here is to speak as little as possible. You may use small cues to encourage him to talk, but be sure you are absolutely listening with undivided attention to ensure he feels like he is in a safe environment where you are not making the judge. Active listening is a model for respect, empathy and understanding. In this phase, you encourage and gain information. You may not say the following yet your small comments and body language shows your Son that: • • • • • •

I take you seriously I hear you I will deliberately listen to what you are saying, with intent I respect and understand how you are feeling about this I understand that this is important to you I want to hear this and am not focused on changing you or immediately solving the issue. Let me hear you out, there is no rush • I respect your ability to explain this without me interrupting • I respect this is important for you so will not make funny or distracting comments or change the topic until we have dealt with this to your satisfaction • I respect your ability to solve problems www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

“Nothing has any power over me other than that which I give it through conscious thought.”


ASK LIMITED QUESTIONS TO CLARIFY YOUR UNDERSTANDING OF THE ISSUE IF REQUIRED. IF APPROPRIATE, ASK LIMITED THOUGHT PROVOKING QUESTIONS WHERE HE CREATES DEEPER SELF-AWARENESS IF THERE IS AN UNDERLYING CAUSE TO WHICH OFTEN THE ISSUE IS ONLY A SYMPTOM, AND MAY JUST BE HIS PERSPECTIVE OF THE ISSUE Before asking a question, tell him why you are asking the question or why you do not have clarity on this point. This will prevent him from becoming defensive and offer him insight as to why you are asking the question (and understand your train of thought). In order for him to share, he should feel safe and not defensive. Avoid questions that • • • •

Interrogate Embarrass Pre-emptively lead the discussion towards your own bias or conclusion Have advice or judgment inherent in the question or likely answer

Thought provoking questions are designed for him to explore the issue from a different perspective, not to provide your conclusion • “…about a year ago, a similar thing happened with you and Peter, why do you think this has happened again…” • “If what you say occurs, what is the worst thing that will happen to you” •“…this event seems to have been caused by Peter’s behavior in front of your friends, is there something happening in Peter’s life or home that could have caused his outburst…” Keep the number of questions limited Your tone and body language should show that you care and put forth with an effort to understand rather than that of a judging parent

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

UNDERSTAND


~W. Yates

GUIDE THE STRENGTH IS NOT TELLING HIM THE SOLUTION, BUT PROVIDING HIM INSIGHT WITH WHICH HE CAN DRAW HIS OWN CONCLUSIONS AND OWN THE OUTCOME Speak from your own experience, use “I” statements, trying to draw parallels from when you came across similar events and how they played out both in terms of decisions made and consequences. “… I have not met Peter but when I was at school, there was this bully called John. What he used to do…… then one day, I decided I had enough and …….the outcome of that was I learned two lessons. I was not aware that his parents were in the middle of a huge angry divorce so maybe pity or empathy would have been a better response. But more importantly I learned that regardless of his actions, which I could not control, I did realize that I could control the amount of MY mind space I was letting him take up and purposefully took this large noise in my mind that was related to him and put it in a small mental box in my mind. Once I decided that I would control how much mind space he would occupy of mine, not him. I felt a lot more at ease. His 10 minutes at school in the corridor would not take up 4 hours of my worrying. The next thing I did…….” Be specific and clear in what you are trying to share or the point you want to make Be brief so the story does not dilute the message Provide various short scenario’s for him to consider and present the major consequences of each Respond to the content and feelings that you saw him expressing Avoid instructional language like “should” or “must” Old:- “….you must do [solution]…. New:- “ …of the various alternatives, what do you think will be the outcome if you chose [solution]……’

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

“In dreams begins reponsibility.”


As you recall, there are the right Conditions (respect, confidentiality and acceptance) and then four Steps in the process of active listening. Start: Son, I feel like going for a walk (sitting on the patio etc), I would really like you to join me… [he must not feel there are guidelines or he is being processed but that it is a light activity or discussion] Model and plant the seeds If he is not use to confiding in you, then you may have to model the process and plant the seeds in order for the conditions to exist for you to share. So the first or second time, the role may be reversed and it may be you who is sharing: I just wanted to chat about [this issue at work, saving for retirement, health concerns, your aspiration or challenge] and get your perspective. I respect your insight and have respected the way you are able to keep confidential things between us [by stating these, he will then start to sub-consciously offer these and begin to expect them in return, your new ritual will start to plant seeds]. Next, go through your issue and share how the issue makes you feel. Try to elicit his sense of alternatives. You are going through a role reversal of the process and planting the seeds of the conditions and modeling opening up to him. Ongoing: Son, I feel like going to walk. I sense that you have an issue around [what you have observed lately] and I’d be happy to spend a few moments chatting about it. Tell me about it ….and use the four steps in active listening. ENJOY!

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

PRACTICALLY STARTING THIS PROCESS


~ John Norley

FOR ME: What would be the ideal environment for the two of us that would be natural where we can spend alone time together (a walk, a hobby, adequate driving time, patio) in which this will take place for us?

How do I consider the current conditions between us considering Respect, Confidentiality and Acceptance, and what can I do to role model and foster these better in the future?

For the initial process, what could I share from my side that is important to me that I keep close to myself, that I could share with him to initiate the process? In order to be trusted, I must first trust.

What are a few areas that would help him to open up and for me to play the role of confidante?

Where else in my life and what other relationships would benefit by me truly slowing down and hearing what the other person has to say, leading to increased appreciation of the quality of that relationship?

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

“All things are difficult before they are easy.”


H E R S I N M O T IO N

Some Fathers demand Sons not to take a certain road. I wish to be a father who listens and guides my son on his chosen road, to assist him in avoiding potholes and whisper to him to take a rest when he is tired on that road should he have an accident.

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UNIT SIX - LETS WALK IN YOUR SHOES

FA T


UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Second Rite of Passage


H E R S I N M O T IO N

THIS UNIT COMPRISES TWO STEPS: ACTIVELY CELEBRATING TOGETHER We do an activity or sport together that we are equally poor at, using a defined process and a determined amount of time. We work through this activity to have fun and spend time together, but the explicit objective between you and your son is to complete the process so as to “earn” the next step. OUR TIME Once we have “earned” this step, we go away for an evening, preferably a camping trip or someplace away from other people. Using simple steps, this is a process of acknowldegement in your son’s journey to manhood where he can feel accepted at this new level of evolved consciousness. He gets to reflect on who he is now and the man he wants to become. There are no dramatic ‘rite of passage’ ordeals or hurdles he must overcome to earn this new credential but it is a modern way of acknowledgement for you as father and son to experience and connect in his transition.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

FA T


UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Step 1 Actively Celebrating Together


~Clarence Kelland FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

We are busy today with many different demands on our time. This is a process to have a fun, shared activity or sport. Yet this time spent together is not ordinary. It is a focused commitment between you and your son that creates fun; you both know why you are doing it; stay focused on setting up a rite of passage that follows…. ....and so let the games begin.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

"My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived and let me watch him do it.“


There are times to think. Times to talk. Times to act and do! This is one of those times. This will require focus and a degree of sacrifice. This will require a commitment to a period of time so make sure you can fit this into your schedule. It is a key part of the program. What we achieve here is to embrace a weekly activity with your Son. Plan on setting aside time for this once a week for a duration of two to three months. Include it in your schedule and allow it to become a piece of your weekly fun activities. Remember that you must be committed to actually following through. This is easier said than done given our busy lives, yet it is imperative you make the time. In summary, it is a sport or activity that you two participate in weekly for a defined period of time. Yet it is different to any normal activity in a way that: • You choose something that is truly exciting • That you and your son are equally poor at, with no focus on winning or getting better at • There is an explicit intent between the two of you of having no other purpose than sharing a good time together and enjoying each other’s company • You commit and make the time, every single week! • There is an explicit agreement, that at the end of the period there is a celebration of having seen it through together

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

PAIRED ACTIVITY


~Anonymous

OUTLINE The intention of this activity is two-fold. The first part is for you and your son to intentionally create a space that is “between” you and him (not about You or Him, but the space between called a Relationship) which is nurtured by spending fun time together. The second is to follow through until the end together. This sets up a joint celebration or achievement, which builds a platform for the later rite of passage-- a weekend away. How we execute on this is through three specific steps: Step 1: Initiate Step 2: Paired activity schedule Step 3: Celebrate The detail of each of these steps is outlined in the pages that follow. This process is different compared to other time you spend with him. An example would be his existing sports obligations. There is a purpose - you both know why you are choosing to commit time and energy to this (the relationship); only the two of you are involved. It is not about proving or getting better at anything but about quality time; Lastly there is a clear outcome or celebration at the end that you are both workingtoward that is just for the two of you. These aspects change the nature of the time you spend together and the importance of follow through and actually spending the time once you commit to it.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Act. Men in action, get results. Things should not happen to you, they should happen because of you


You call your son aside into a private space where you can be alone. Let’s say for example, your study. There are no distractions and it’s a place to talk. Consider conversing with him along the following lines: “As you know, we spoke earlier about my interest in wanting to spend more time together and grow our relationship because it is special. This is what I was thinking. Let’s choose to do something, just you and I. It must be something fun. As we are going to do it every week, something that can quite easily fit into our schedules. What we want to get out of this is simple time together, where we have the space to talk and just have fun. Let’s pick something that we are both horrible at, but let’s make it all about fun. This way no one is trying to get you to ‘be better and improve’. This isn’t about winning or proving anything to anyone, just you and I nurturing our relationship. This is really important to me. I just want to spend some fun time with you.” My sense is that we do it once a week for an hour or two, let’s say ten or twelve times, which should take us about 3 months. If we commit and stick to this, It would be great to celebrate at the end. To go away for a weekend, just you and I, maybe camping and fishing where there is no one around for miles. How do you feel about this? ……….What should we do? How long should it be for and how should we schedule it weekly? Where do you think we should go or do, to celebrate at the end?....” The most important part of the conversation is in setting the context that you are committing to something with the aim of building the relationship, the space between the two of you, and committing to follow through. The sport or activity should have three major attributes: • Fun for both of you • Equally poor at doing, something neither of you do regularly • Easily able to include in your schedule (cost, nearby etc)

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

STEP 1: INITIATE


“Your children need your presence more than they need your presents.” ~Elaine Heffner

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LIST OF POTENTIAL ACTIVITIES The activity or sport should be something you both would find fun, and look forward to doing. I would suggest that you try to include a level of physical activity as it helps the bonding process. If you are impaired, choose an activity that would be appropriate. Several areas are more sedentary in nature, such as computer gaming or a hobby. These can be chosen but preferably these should be woven into quality time together outside this specific step of the program (more ideas of these are included in the Extra Quality section at the end of this unit). Some of these are team sports and can be modified so that the two of you practice a set of maneuvers modified for just two people. This is not an exhaustive list but a few ideas to expand your considerations and comfort zone, as the choice is ultimately personal: Archery

Motorcycling & off-road

Tennis

Baseball (bat & ball)

Skiing or bobsledding

Swimming

Surfing

Skateboarding

Biking

Boating

Bowling

Racquetball

Squash

Hiking & walking

Cricket

Cycling

Fishing

Football related

Rugby related

Horses or polo

Martial arts

Boxing

Hockey related

Running

Snowmobiles

Paragliding or hang gliding

Lacrosse related

Kite surfing

Hunting

Tree felling

Rock climbing

Wrestling

Billiards or pool

Learn to dance

Shooting sports

Badminton

Canoeing or rowing

Fencing

Rollerskating

Table tennis

Rafting

Weightlifting or gym

Snowboarding

Bowling

Kite Flying

Sailing

Athletics

Snorkeling

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Nothing lasting or great was achieved without intent


After selecting the activity in the first step, then: • Design a schedule: • Commit to it and keep the schedule updated. • Having the schedule increases the commitment, stick to it. • Updating encourages commitment into execution. • A copy of a schedule outline is included at the back of this unit. • Life happens and on certain days, events may arise making it impossible to make the scheduled time. Take this in your stride and chat about it. • Ensure (i) You do not miss two in a row. (ii) You do not get a free-pass and the agreed number is to be made up and hence the schedule end date is extended by a week, pushing out the celebration at the end. (iii) He is watching your actions. You made a committment to him, so follow through. Find the time and meet him at the day and time agreed each week to enjoy each other’s company – there is no free pass on keeping your word. • Conduct yourself like a loving father when doing the activity, using your own code of conduct. • Remember, this is about enjoying each other’s company, not winning, or getting him to be better at whatever is being played. • Make it fun and focus on maintaining a positive, happy frame of mind; let the competitive male side of you rest, just this once • See the best in him and tell him so, even when he does great or not so great. Do not criticize and never tell him ‘how he should be doing something’ (this is tougher than it sounds. Over time this changes the dynamic of a father who focuses on pointing out areas of weakness) • Try your best (do not try show him or prove anything to him either), but be humble • During and after shake hands or hug or whatever feels natural. The point is to express how much you are enjoying spending the time with him

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

STEP 2: PAIRED ACTIVITY SCHEDULE


SCHEDULE Date agreed to initiate: Activity selected:

DATE DONE

DID I? CODE OF CONDUCT *

REFLECTIONS

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 How we are going to celebrate is : * mark Yes or No in this column. Did I broadly follow the ‘conduct’ code of .. - Making it fun and I was in a positive, happy frame of mind. I let the competitive male side rest. - I saw the best in him and told him so. I did not criticize or tell him how he should be doing something. I tried my best and was humble, just a great guy to be around. - I put my arms around his shoulders and expressed how much I enjoyed spending the time with him.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Enjoying tennis but being We chose tennis as our activity terrible players, we chose to of choice, playing every Wednesday play early evening on late afternoon for three months Wednesdays in summer both being terrible players, it was awesome


Consider making a commitment to your friends to follow through, some say a key way to get yourself to follow through. This can be done by posting on your wall. This is entirely personal and optional. Steps: 1. Select a picture from the accompanying guide CD (or download from our website) or a personal picture that resonates with you. 2. Post it on your wall, along with a commitment, to what you are going to do and that you will follow through. Suggested, but write on your wall as you see fit. “{Your Son’s name} and I have committed to weekly play {activity} for the next three months. I am so looking forward to it and will make sure that we do this every week!” How to do this on Facebook From your profile, on the left select Home on the top right, then from the top box (What‘s on your mind?) write your short message and click the Attach Photo icon just below the box, then attach a picture chosen above. Click the Share button and it is posted to his wall.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

FACEBOOK – COMMITMENT TO MY FRIENDS


STEP 3: CELEBRATE Be proud each day that you stick to your commitment and the schedule. You plan the celebration in principle up front at the first meeting (going away for a weekend in nature). This effectively sets up the Rite of Passage weekend in the next section of this unit. It is something both of you have worked toward and earned (by completing the schedule and spending the time together on a consistent basis). Do not position it as a Rite of Passage weekend. Instead, convey that the weekend is about celebrating and spending time together, even though it is the weekend where you will acknowledge him, see him as a Man and ………….. the details of this are left to the section coming up. Well done in getting this far! You have come so much further than most Fathers out there, be proud of yourself!

Q U E ST ION S

How do you feel, with what you are earning with your son through time and effort, the build up to your weekend away? www.FathersInMotion.com

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

"Any can be be aa Father Fatherbut butit "Any man can ittakes takes someone special to someone special to be a be a Dad.“ Dad." ~ Anne Geddes ~Anne Geddes


Spending quality time together is the most precious gift we can give anyone, for it is the most scarce resource we have with our limited time here on earth. Recognize it for face value and offer it gladly to your son for it will pay handsomely in time; to you and to him. The sport or activity in this unit was designed in a way that creates specific quality and value and to set up the process of the weekend away. We often hear from fathers that beyond the normal sports and busy schedule of family life, they are not sure where or how to include quality time together. Below are suggestions for quality Father--Son activities. They are not part of this program guide but are included as an added extra to simply assist in uncovering areas if you have asked yourself the very same question. In addition to the sport and activities outlined earlier in the module: Ride bikes / play catch / Go to the hobby store and get something to build together / Go to a live sporting event or concert / Give your time to a local dog shelter for a day / Work on your car / Clean your car / Create a vegetable garden / Gaming, play his favorite computer game / Hunt or go out into the woods at night to catch something / Take a short roadtrip / Have lunch at Hooters (my son’s contribution!) / Together fix up the little things around the house (tile repair, globes replaced) / Make jerky / Cook supper for the family/ Get a large radio-controlled car or plane / Let him grill on the BBQ / Build a firepit, something in the garden / Build a kite / Fix something, build something, do something – the list is endless

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

QUALITY TIME


UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Step 2 Our Time


"Gone fishing today with my Son, a day wasted.” ~a story from Samuel Johnson

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FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

This is a short time period where you are alone with your son, preferably a weekend camping in nature; this is where you undergo a rite of passage. It is a combination of fun, quiet introspection and final celebration. I owe a debt of gratitude to Joe Sigurdson of Boys to Men (www.boystomen.org) in sharing his knowledge and selfless and tireless work, that builds on a Fredrick Douglass quote, “It is easier to build strong children than repair broken men”, I thank and admire him.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

There was a special day in my childhood when my Father took me fishing. The day was fixed in my mind,and I often reflected upon the many things my father had taught me in the course of our fishing together. My father kept a journal.Many years later, turning to that date, I saw he had only entered one sentence.


RIGHT OF PASSAGE EVENT You have spent years with your son. Most of the lessons you wanted to teach, you have probably done so or modeled for him - whether good or bad. You realize there may be precious little time left to truly influence and guide. A rite of passage is about your son reflecting on the boy he was, the man he wishes to be and combining that with a Father’s acknowledgement. Acknowledging that you see him becoming a man and see him as he is held accountable for his actions, his destiny and his coming responsibility to take care of others. As a father, this process allows you to illuminate a roadmap to manhood and validate his current and transitioning status. We take a modernized and personal approach to a centuries old tradition of young men experiencing a rite of passage into manhood. The older tribal rites of passage had five key steps: (i) (ii) (iii) (iv)

Separation from others A descent into self and introspection An ordeal that challenges Integrates new beliefs that he is now a man

(v)

Celebratory return

Into the wilderness alone Alone to face his fears Often, to kill a fierce wild animal He has triumphed the challenge and has earned the right, and in his mind’s eye, sees himself as having stepped over the threshold to manhood

Note that we do not do this! Yet we model the concept and seek the same benefits. Many of these ordeals are extreme. Yet by understanding the process and outcomes, we can achieve the same benefits in the mental journey. The importance in his adolescence, either early or late, is that both of you see and acknowledge that he is in fact becoming a man – providing the space for that acknowledgement, lifting his confidence and self-esteem. But more importantly, this will allow him to reflect how he sees himself as becoming a man of substance.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

ROPE


It makes him a person who is able to hear the crowd, yet make conscious decisions whether to follow it or not; a man who makes sound decisions and reflects on his roles of responsibility; a man who knows that hard times come to us all as part of the journey, yet it is in our response to these times that determine our destiny one step at a time. The advantage of our rite of passage is a gift of this unique space and time to allow such thoughts and conversations to be held in a meaningful way and one that will last. Advantages: - You and your son connect at a deeper level - He reflects on who he is now and the type of man he wishes to become - Improves self-esteem and sense of ‘self’ - Accepts new responsibility and accountability that comes with transitioning into manhood

Give yourself pause for self-reflection in your own journey in this time

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“An acorn becomes an oak tree only when nature, outside of the acorn itself acknowledges, nurtures and waters the acorn.”


Overview We plan a weekend away camping in nature, and suggest Friday morning to Sunday mid-day, two nights away from home. It is an easy going fun time with three distinct elements: Separation - Transition - Acknowledgement. By planning the setting, we separate ourselves from the chaos and noise of everyday life. In transitioning we use a process for him to reflect on who he is now and who he wishes to become. It ends with the acknowledgement that he has earned the right and that you see him as becoming a young man with an awesome future ahead of him, which is his responsibility to decide upon, mold and make a reality. Step I

Separation

Step II

Transition - Reflection - Aspire

Who am I now? Becoming the man I want to be!

Acknowledgment

You see him as a young Man, no longer a Boy

Step III

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

STEPS


~ Publilius Syrus

PLANNING We plan a weekend away camping in nature, we suggest Friday morning to Sunday mid-day. This is often between 1 and 3 hours driving time. It is in nature with minimal outside distractions from other people. Camp next to a river or lake, hopefully surrounded by trees or mountains – as long as isolated, in nature and with no (or very, very few) people around. These are often found using simple Google research or asking people you know. The right location adds significant value. The date is set in advance, generally about a month or so, and is just for the two of you. You position the weekend with him excsluively: - It is the reward the two of you discussed (see Actively Celebrating Together) - He is becoming a young man and you want to spend sometime time alone together, and this is the best way you really want to spend it with him - This is important to you, so you going to do the planning but let’s put it in the schedule, make sure it happens and lets have fun together (not necessary to share the detail or scheduled) In the planning: - Source and include the symbolic gift you wish to give him in the last evening (refer to Acknowledgement section of the weekend). - Ensure all the camping is well planned and provisioned to prevent the focus from diverging to the process of the weekend. It should remain on point with the issues at hand. - No cellphones, technology devices (consider a time window of 10 minutes at end of each day to check in for messages or emergencies) or distractions.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

"An angry father is most cruel towards himself."


SUGGESTED SCHEDULE OUTLINE Friday Morning :

Packing up Travelling Set-up camp

Lunch: Afternoon:

Activity together (hiking, fishing, shooting or bows)

Evening:

Dinner and fire side & Life Steps

Saturday Morning:

Breakfast Reflection (1 to 2 hours) Aspire (1 to 2 hours)

Who am I now? Sort of Man I wish to be?

Lunch Afternoon:

Activity or relaxing together

Evening:

Acknowledgement Dinner and fire side

Morning:

Breakfast, Packing up Travelling

I see you as a young Man

Sunday

Life Steps, Reflection, Aspire and Acknowledgement are explained in detailed steps in the coming section.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

INTRODUCTION


~Camille Paglia

LIFE STEPS Timing and Intent Friday evening at the fireside before dinner. The intent is to share and understand his life, but as it is experienced and remembered through his eyes. Although you may live together, it is interesting to see how he remembers the journey and shares it. The benefit here is a stronger bond but it also creates a new perspective that life is a journey and the process brings it out. We did not just arrive at this point out of nowhere. Process Next to the fire layout out several sticks (between 5 to 8) in the dirt approximately three feet apart (one big step) in a line. The first step will represent his birth/first memory. Each big step to the next stick will represent an approximate time period (for him probably 2 years apart and for you probably about 7 years apart) – being exact is not important, it is in the framework and sharing where value is shared. It is like walking through your life in time lapse mode where you will step through your memories of your life and express the simple memory that rises to the surface when you were approximately the same age. You go first to model the process There is no planning or forethought. Stand on the first stick and say “This is my first memory after birth, I am now “x” (example 2 years) years old, and my first memory is….. Bring out your first memories of your life. These are simply what your mind musters up, what were you doing, thinking, feeling and what was going on around you – just feel as if you were back then. These can take from 1 to 5 minutes each. Once you have shared, step forward to the next stick. I am now 6 years old and what I am recalling is….and so you step through your life in years. Share what comes to your mind and emotions, fears, triumphs - feel and share these with the emotion you felt at the time. Time is not important. Sometimes there are little memories or no particular feelings that are brought up for that time and you may spend less than a minute. For others there are more extreme emotions or memories and you may spend several minutes on that stick sharing. Just enjoy and share.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“A woman simply is, but a man must become. Masculinity is risky and elusive, and it is confirmed only by other men.”


At the end, the other person may make clarifying questions but it is best not to ask, rebuke or add any other comment but rather say something like “Thanks for sharing, that was so insightful”. This fosters the ability to share and open up without fear of having to defend comments. Once you are finished, ask your son to do the same. When this ritual is complete, close the session by “That was so interesting to see the major events that you surfaced on your journey and letting me share my life steps, thank you”. Later, or over dinner, you may want to steer the conversation towards one of the following: • What you have found it means being a man • How you felt and how your transition was • On tomorrow’s process; “…that we are going to both reflect on who we are now and what we wish to become; that this discussion is important to me and part of me seeing you grow into man.”

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

The key is for the person doing the Life Steps not to be interrupted at all by the other person! A dialogue of any form distracts the process of the person stepping through their life, this is a respectful process to the person who is sharing. Alcohol and distracting humor can reduce the value.


~Anonymous FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

THE FIRST TWO STEPS WE OUTLINE COMING UP ARE FOR REFLECTION ON WHO HE IS NOW AND THE SORT OF MAN HE WANTS TO BECOME. WE SUGGEST A ROUTE OF QUIET INTROSPECTION AND ALONE TIME IN NATURE FOR SEVERAL HOURS WHEN GOING THROUGH THIS AS OUTLINED IN THE FOLLOWING SECTIONS. THIS APPROACH MAKES THE DEEPEST IMPACT YET IF IT DOES NOT RESONATE WITH YOU, THEN BLEND THE REFLECTION INTO A PROCESS YOU CAN DO TOGETHER (FOR EXAMPLE, WHILE FISHING TOGETHER, USING THE SAME TECHNIQUE) INSTEAD OF SEPARATING FOR A FEW HOURS. THE SECTION ALSO INCLUDES REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS AT VARIOUS STAGES. THE FOCUS IS NOT ON USING THESE AS QUESTIONS THAT ALL NEED ANSWERING, BUT RATHER ON READING THEM AND IDENTIFYING THOSE THAT JUMP OUT OR RESONATE WITH YOU AND INCLUDING THEM IN YOUR REFLECTIVE THOUGHTS.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“Live for today,dream of tomorrow, learn from yesterday.”


Intent A period of ‘descent into self’, of self-reflection, and then of sharing the major insights is intended to create AWARENESS: - For him to be aware of those negative habits and wounds so that they can be viewed in order to see and heal them. To put these aside and do not carry them forward where they serve only to weaken his journey - For him to be proud of what he has achieved and serve as a foundation that he will build upon going forward - Sharing with you, opens and deepens the connection How To Introduce Introduce as you feel comfortable yet ensure it is explicit so he understands the process. Consider conversing with him along the following lines: “As you know, we spoke last night around the fire about today spending some time about where we are in our lives. I think we should break it into two halves. First consider who we are now and reflect and chat about this. Really trying to take stock of our journey up to now and who have we become, why don’t we ask ourselves the question “Who am I now?”. Then later we can reflect and chat about “who is the man I wish to become”. This may take us a few hours in total and we will spend some time together and some time apart. Follow me on this, no-one is judging or watching us and really want to spend this time for us to connect with ourselves. As you become a man, really understanding yourself and seeing yourself in perspective is fun, insightful and important. Let start… The Process There are five steps: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5.

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Share an opening reflection from your journey and model it for him Share reflective questions Spend time apart, alone time Come back to discuss and share Close the first session

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

REFLECTION


~Mick Ukleja and Robert Lorber

1. Share an opening reflection from your journey and model it for him Explain that reflection is about getting in touch and understanding yourself. It is in an understanding brought about by self-reflection that you start to accept yourself more; increase your awareness and perspective, ultimately leading to better decisions. Share a story from your past when you were transitioning into manhood. Preferably one that is deeply personal for you and one that evokes emotion. It could be of a lesson learned, a wound healed, where if you knew then what you know now and had dealt with it at that stage, how positively that would or did impact your life. For example, a time where you had a significant event (betrayal of trust, level of shame or change in self worth) which you internalized and by not being aware, it remained inside you over the years like poison. Yet by self-reflection you could have challenged that “truth” and understood it was merely a perspective, and you could of put that down on the side of the road and not carry it around with you for many years. It had no positive value to your future journey. Or it could be of a time when you should of called “bull shit” on yourself. Or simply choose any story of yours that evokes emotion and you feel compelled by. There is an anecdote of people carrying buckets of manure (their past) around with them, stopping on occasions to take some out and smearing it on themselves (reliving past wrongs or negative feelings) and then wondering why their lives stink! By sharing something deep and close to you, of making yourself vulnerable, you are connecting, creating a safe space for him to share later and modeling for him – you need to share a strong personal story that moves you. This is the ultimate purpose here.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“Reflection is looking in so you can look out with a broader, bigger, and more accurate perspective.”


The following pages contain a series of reflective questions. They do not need to be answered methodically, and are simply designed for surface awareness. Discuss them generally with him, and use them as triggers for self reflection. Agree to part and then agree to meet back in about an hour. 3. Spend time apart, where you are each alone We are both going to do this alone. You for yourself and him for himself. Share the process below with your Son. • • • •

Each take a copy of the reflective questions Separate and go for a walk or find quiet space alone Read the reflective questions, reflect and make notes and consider them deeply Reflection is often ‘thinking without thinking’ – to try not rationally answer or force an answer in the context of having to explain it later – of being gentle with yourself, go very quiet and let the question lie in your quiet mind for awhile, then observe the answers that tend to bubble up in your mind’s eye. Reflection is about being quiet and letting answers come to you, of not rationally constructing answers and being aware of how you will be perceived later when you discuss them! • After about half an hour make short notes if required, then start moving on from the reflective questions to open ended Contemplation • Contemplation is about being quiet and simply learning to listen to nature and to what is inside you. There is no series of questions you are seeking to answer but thinking of the journey to this point in your life and remaining still. As thoughts come up, gently hear them, then let them slide away to hear the silence again. Do not judge thoughts, do not try understand them, just see them and let them slip away. On the odd occasion you may find that a thought is actually a compelling insight, and you may briefly jot these down before returning to nature and the quiet space in your mind This should last about another half an hour. This is not easy but should be effortless!

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

2. Share reflective questions


How do I feel about myself in general and my life at the moment? When others describe or think of me, they would think of me as…? When I think of or describe myself, I think of myself as …? To get others to like me or fit in, have I sold myself out in any area? What triggers feelings of anger, sadness, shame or low sense of self worth? Why do I think that is? Where did it first start or where does it come from? Are these repeated negative thoughts or wounds from a specific past event? Will my life be better or worse if I carry it around going forward? What stops me from acknowledging it then putting it away from hanging around my life any longer if it is not going to serve me? Where do I really need to forgive myself and let myself off the hook to make room for my future growth? Is life about getting as many achievements, or as much material stuff, as possible? What other things are important, or what life lessons, have I learned so far? Where is my life out of balance? If there is just one problem or issue that I could put behind me once and for all, what is it? What is most important to me? What are my values? What is effective and works for me? What drives me? What thoughts do I spend my energy on? What can I do to stay passionate? How can I help others become passionate? How will I nurture my enthusiasm to keep the flame strong? In what ways am I limiting myself and my potential? How do I explain procrastination or not getting ahead, what is my ‘story’ that I sell to myself? What am I good at, what do I love to do? What are my greatest accomplishments or where I have been acknowledged? What gives me feelings of being proud? Do I keep my goals in mind when deciding how to spend my time? Do my friendships help or hinder me in reaching my goals? Does my family come first in my life, do they know this? Do I see myself as a boy, as a man or in transition? How does that make me feel?

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Reflective questions


REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS AS A FATHER What is special about him and what do you see as his positive traits? What are the important qualities you would like to see him have as he grows up to be a man? What have you wanted to teach him about life lessons and being a man? How would it feel if you got on better and had a deeper bond, now and many years from now? What would be the impact if you watched him grow into a wise, balanced, successful and caring man? How do I get the most out of this weekend for both of us?

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

The preceding reflective questions are focused on his transition and where he is now as an adolescent. If you wish to deepen the experience, we have included additional reflective questions below. They are more appropriate for you, as a fathers, as you move further down their life journey and we encourage you to use these for yourself, in addition to the questions on the previous page, when you reflect.


WHAT ARE THE IMPORTANT QUALITIES I HAVE BY MY ACTIONS SHOWN HIM AS A FATHER AND ROLE MODEL? Although I always want him to do better, I tell him that he is fine as he is and does not need to earn my love and respect Lead by actions and not just words I enthusiastically participate Bring a lightness and fun to family life with discipline and boundaries being calmly and fairly meted out Not over-react to events but balanced responses Encourage that we all eat dinner as a family each evening and I am aware of how I conduct myself at the dinner table, listening more than talking Am an active listener, focusing on the other person and how they feel, not rushing to share only my thoughts and stories I first seek to understand, then be understood. We talk Show respect to others in my words and body language, I do not talk over others or cut their sentences short in conversation. I do not listen just to find where I can insert my story I do not shout or lose control, cuss or swear inappropriately We do not talk badly about others and defend others when they are not there to defend themselves Look after my health, diet and have an exercise or sport regime. I lead by example We trust and see the good in others I have a passion or goal in my life that I share with the family and have a plan on how to get there

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“How would I want him to treat a young lady if he chooses to end a relationship.”


Role modeling my views on smoking, drinking and substance abuse I am consistent and arrive home when I am expected or say I will be No-one in my family questions where I am or what I am doing as my actions have given them this comfort –I have given them reason to trust me Bring a fullness of the appreciation of life and fun actively into the family environment I encourage way more than I criticize. I criticize rarely and then only constructively and not when he is in front of others I appropriately channel sexual energy I hug him and say goodnight to him in his bed at the end of every day. He sees me hug and flirt with his Mom We manage TV time, it does not manage us I attend to how I look and hold myself I demonstrate the ability to balance time – work, family time and events I keep and am impeccable with my word

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Show financial responsibility


Reflective questions about where you are on your personal journey, beyond that role of being a Father:

What other roles do I play in my life? Which create pleasure and which create pain for me? Do I embrace change? Are there things in my life that are crying for change? How has change helped me grow in the past years? Am I interested in hearing the truth from the people I love? Am I building strong relationships on a foundation of honesty? Do I take the time to share and listen rather than expect people to read my mind? How have my beliefs been different from those around me? How have my firm convictions made me stronger or weaker? Have I been listening to that voice of truth within? Do I invest in my own health and well-being? Do I recognize the additional energy available to me when I exercise my body and mind? Do I allow myself enough rest to be open to the creative impulses that cross my path? Do I nurture peace or tension? How do I respond when I feel tension rising? How can I set up opportunities to relax and return to my naturally calm state? Do I have clear times set aside for work and play? Do I respect my time boundaries? Which of my tasks can I cancel or delegate in order to dedicate more attention to things I love? In what ways do I foster calm in my life? Do I allow my fear of negative thoughts to keep my mind too busy for my own good? Why? When was the last time I felt really alive? When was the last time I felt down and out? What will I do about it next time? What do I feel like after I exercise and take care of myself? Aside from a decision, what is stopping me from reaching my health goals?

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

How would I want him to conduct himself when faced with an aggressive, violent guy


In what areas do I limit myself with unrealistic expectations? Do I allow myself to be "under construction" or are my expectations hurting me in some way? How do I respond when I make a mistake? What is the greatest source of stress in my life? What are my physical signs of stress? What will I do about it today? How will I positively think through issues or habits that can help me deal with stress? When do I feel the most calm and peaceful ? How can I invite more peaceful moments into my life? What are my healthiest habits? How have I created new positive habits? How can I turn an unhealthy habit into a positive one? What areas have I defined as successful? How does my success make me feel? How have I celebrated my small successes along the way? Have I let frustrations and other obstacles get in the way of loving unconditionally? Have I held expectations before extending love? Have I accepted the love of others? Do I savor each moment of each day? Am I mindful that each day I have an opportunity to enjoy life? How can I create an outstanding good moment today? How do I exceed expectations at work? Do I treat my time at work with the respect it deserves? How am I taking advantage of the opportunity to learn and develop my skills? What is my primary objective in my life? What goals am I meeting regularly? How might I challenge myself to do – and be – more? Which of my current qualities is the result of a lesson learned from a mistake? How can I capitalize or make an opportunity out of my current life challenges? When faced with a task, do I first break it down into bite-sized chunks, or do I get overwhelmed? Am I open to asking for the help that I need to reach my full potential? What goals have I had in life? Which dreams have I given up on?

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

Do I let events quickly become a crisis? Have I practiced pushing the calm button? Have I remained focused on solutions or do I get swept up in an emotional response?


4. Come back to discuss and share Your quiet reflection will give you the value. In the sharing however, let him do this part as this is his time. “Share with me what you learned about yourself in the last hour”.…then let him talk. Use the same active listening skills in Unit 6: - Conditions of Respect, Confidentiality and Acceptance - Skills of Accept, Listen, Understand and Guide In truth, he is sharing with you what he has learned or discovered about himself. Do not judge, just accept and listen. Do not construct replies, logic or arguments. Do not try steer the discussion in a particular direction or even express your opinion of what you are hearing. Let him talk, this may be as short or as long as he requires. Simply indicate that you are listening and understanding him. At most, ask him short questions so that he continues to express “why do you think that is …..how does that make you feel…that is insightful….” 5. Close the first session Understand that there is no conclusion. He has spent quiet time alone exploring who he is and has shared this with you. If you feel he has not gone deep enough or explored a specific issue that you expected him to surface, that is fine. Just leave it alone, you can always do this at a later stage when the weekend is complete. “What you shared with me was great and insightful. I am really grateful you shared this and think you have matured to a place where you can see yourself in perspective and with confidence. [if appropriate “I see you see the importance of accepting yourself and the forgiveness and letting go of past wounds, that is a big step forward”]. Well done! Let’s take a break and move onto the next half after we grab a drink, but before we do this, what is your sense of what you have just been through in the past hour?”

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“The first step to success is understanding yourself”


Intent In his mind’s eye he is stepping over the threshold into manhood. This is a period of quiet reflection of the type of man he aspires to, or wants to become. Here is what is happening: - Confidence that he can define a future outline of his aspirations and that you will take the time to listen to him - A positive future vision of self as you enter manhood aids in creating internal strength and resolve; you see yourself as the man you want to become - Sharing with you opens and deepens the connection He starts being a man, when he truly sees himself as the man he wants to become! How To Introduce Introduce as you feel comfortable, but suggest it clearly so he understands the process. Consider the following approach: “We have gone through a process of exploring who we are now. Of quietly getting a sense of who we are, which thoughts no longer serve us and we have put aside. That life gives us a clean slate if we choose it as we become men, to absolutely choose the type of man we wish to be. We are going to ask ourselves the question “Who do I want to be? What is the type of man I want to be, and will I become?”. If you choose to follow a path, it may be difficult, but have no doubt that you will get there. Again, follow me on this, and remember that no-one is judging or watching us. As you become a man, really determining your destiny, and not what others say you must do, you will gain a clear vision of who you are and who you want to become. It actually begins right here, should we start…. The Process There are five steps: 1. Set the background 2. Spend time apart, alone time 3. Come back to discuss and share 4. Close the second half session

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

ASPIRE


~Flint Patterson

1. Set the background Explain to him that what you choose to become, you will become. As Charles Reade said “Sow a thought, and you reap an act; Sow an act, and you reap a habit; Sow a habit, and you reap a character; Sow a character, and you reap a destiny”. As I see you becoming a man, we are going to spend a short time planting your seeds. Before someone can begin a new journey, they must reclaim their passion and enthusiasm. They must reclaim their power back, often including forgiving oneself and putting issues of the past behind you. Recognizing that people, thoughts and habits that do not support you when you are seeking the life you were meant to live, are best left behind in the boyhood chapter rather than destructively following you into your transition to being a man. 2. Spend time apart, alone time Agree to spend about half to one hour alone and with your own thoughts. Walk in nature, go quiet and consider the one question (as Dad, I suggest you do the same for yourself as well): Who is the man I wish to become, the ideal ME? The Man I will become. The answer should not be a series of logical descriptions driven from what society has taught us. But quietly allow your inner self, while contemplating this question, to conceive of the answers in your consciousness – for the ideal man you wish to be, that suits YOU. Mentally think through an overall vision of the Future You, describing the various traits you desire (they are endless, yet are highly personal and a few are included in the following pages) in as much detail as possible. How do these words make you feel? Why do you want these attributes. Which is the one, or the few, key traits that will define your personal value system? Let go of structure and let your mind flow with passion and excitement of who you wish to be, why you wish to be that, and a conviction to mold yourself into the man you want to be! Play with what you wish to have or own, but focus more on who you will become as a Man.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“Winning is easy, it is deciding to become a winner that is hard.”


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Inspiring

Action Oriented

Bold

Courageous

Dependable

Fun Loving

Trustworthy

Spiritual

Spontaneous

Consistent

Diligent

Quiet

Learned

Wise

Moral

Optimist

Powerful

Persistent

Thoughtful

Good Looking

Honest

Achiever

Ethical

Lovable

Leader

Kind

Enthusiastic

Well Mannered

Compassionate

Self-control

Word Is His Bond

Decision Oriented

Sympathetic

Confident

Contributor

Expert

Fair

Lucky

Widely Read

Modest

Teacher

Innovative

Loving

Happy

Intuitive

Spirited

Resilient

His Own Path

Calm

Successful

Patriotic

Accepting

Caring

Cheerful

Dignified

Energetic

Giving

Helpful

Protector

Intelligent

Logical

Organized

Relaxed

Assertive

Witty

Proud

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

TRAITS:


~ Henry David Thoreau

3. Come back to discuss and share “You are not a boy who will one day become a man. You start right now as you are crossing from being a boy into being a young man. What type of man do you want to become?”Do not interrupt and let him speak. Encourage him to share his mental model of what he would like to be as an ideal man, and wait for his dreams and his aspirations to take hold. What traits would he have, what would he look like, what sort of job and family and ……the key is to encourage passion and enthusiasm for him to ignite a flame (it might just be barely a flicker at the first encounter) within of who he can become and not who you or others tell him he should be. Simply nurture and encourage his thoughts along him sharing with you, with what ever he wishes to be. 4. Close the second half session There is no conclusion. You have challenged him to envision himself and now this becomes the start of a process that will be with him long after the weekend is over. “That was superb. I have no doubt that what you see yourself becoming, you will achieve. You have no idea how proud I am of you at this moment, and of the privilege of being able to watch you grow into the man that you have determined you will be. Well done! I think we have done enough for today and this sharing has exceeded my expectations. Thank you. Lets have a break for lunch and then go do {activity}.”

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

“In the long run you hit only what you aim at, therefore AIM HIGH!”


Intent It is with the benefit of time spent and the process, where you have the opportunity to acknowledge your love for him and that you now see him as a young man and no longer a boy. To him this is incredibly important and a result of the culmination of many things. The Acknowledgement Around the fire just before dinner. Try cover the following (i) thanking him (ii) perspective that we are part of a line of men in our family (iii) validation of pride and love for who he is (iv) I now see you as a man (v) wish to give you a symbol of how I see you as you have moved into manhood and (vi) hug. Acknowledge him as you see fit and the words that suit you, yet as an example: “I wanted to thank you for the day and the time we have spent this weekend. It was really important to me. Understanding that you and I are at the end of a long line of men and our fathers that have come before us, our lineage has come down to you and me. At some time in the future, it will be up to you and your son.” “I must tell you, that I see you for who you are. I am proud of you and love you deeper than you will ever know.” “I am so used to seeing you as a boy but now you are a young man. I look forward to the pride I will feel as I see you growing into the man you want to become and being the type of man who faces and deals with life’s challenges.” “I brought a small gift and wanted to give this to you. This represents in a small way how proud I am of you as you step over the threshold into being a man.” [give him a symbolic gift and a HUGE hug!] Well done young Man!” Note: symbolic gifts may vary yet they are to be selected on their ability to endure and what it says about one man to another, or a Father to a Son. Consider a heirloom your father gave you, or a masculine symbol such as a knife, a watch or something you know he would really treasure.

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UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT


UNIT SEVEN - RITE OF PASSAGE TWO

FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

One night a father overheard his son pray “Dear God, make me the kind of man my Daddy is” Later that night, the father prayed “Dear God, make me the kind of man my Son wants me to be” ~Anonymous

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

Setting Ourselves Up For Success


~Arnold Glasow FA T

H E R S I N M O T IO N

To envision a future is to conspire the universe to move towards that which you are thinking about. The purpose of this module is to guide you in a process where you help him to vision a bright future, identifying the blocks and ‘never ending’ story that may hold him back and then setup goals and steps he needs for moving him forward with momentum.

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

" Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire. “


Something lives deeper than merely writing down a list of goals to achieve – and that is the desire to actually wanting to achieve this at a deeply emotional level. To set you and your son up for success, and to go through these three steps, set aside about an hour for you both to do this together. Step 1: Blocks Identify your ‘never ending’ story, the one we sell ourselves on what is holding us back. Step 2: Future Self Clearly see and engage your Future Self. Step 3: Goals Set our goals and commit to being goal buddies with a process of checking in.

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

OUTLINE


~Benjamin Disraeli

Before we consider setting future goals, we need to really connect with that person we wish to become. In this quiet space of contemplation, you will identify the few keys that will help him unlock his Future You. Enjoy. Sit with your son in a quiet room without the opportunity for distraction. Explain that it will take about an hour or so and as a follow up after your retreat rite of passage, you would like to work through a short process that identifies his future goals. Let him know this is from the heart. Each of you should have a pen and paper handy and do the work for yourselves. “First we are going to quiet our minds and see our future selves and mentally prepare for what we want to become and what is holding us back. Then we will determine a short list of goals and after that commit to check-in with each other for regularly to keep each other on track.” Step 1: Blocks Write down on the pad for a few minutes (we are not going to share with each other) under a heading “What I am unhappy about now” – just right down those things that are making you unhappy. Your lack of action, procrastination, not keeping your word about healthy eating or exercise, not enough money – whatever your quams are! You cannot change if you are not unhappy with it. As you write these down, feel a sense in your gut of how these unhappy things drain quality out of your life. Now create a heading called “My never-ending story”. Think about and consider what the story is you sell yourself and why you do not follow through on major issues. What holds you back? What are the excuses or “reasons” that you use. If I had to ask your close family members or best friends, what is your “never ending story?”, what would they say? The key is to look for “buts” or “too’s”in your mental language. “I would have been on the team, BUT the coach just does not like me…….” “I was so happy, UNTIL we lost so much money, I just lost all my drive……” “I would like to start my own business, it’s just TOO much getting up at 5 am ….” “At school I don’t hang out with her, BUT when I lose my weight….”

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

“Adventures are to the adventurous.”


Step 2: Future You Explain the steps below to your son before you begin. Now you can both close your eyes: - Breathe deeply for about 30 very deep and slow breathes, just relax your lungs and let your body follow, focus on your deep breathing through the abdomen - Then, consider the possibility of how magical it would be to meet the Future You in three or five years later in time. Consider the possibility for a few moments of how exciting that would be, how magical…. - Give yourself a setting you love and in nature (beach, lake, meadow) and see yourself walking up to the Future You. - Really see this person, I mean really get a close look at who they are in your mind’s eye. How is the Future You dressed, do they look healthy, are they full of life, what energy is being transmitted by being in this person’s presence, what is he like? Don’t talk to him or hear his words, just feel his energy, happiness or lack thereof - You have amazing power in this setting. You don’t need to talk and can simple hear his thoughts and answers when you raise a thought or question - Smile and in your mind’s eye, start to morph or change the picture of this person standing in front of you. Change him slowly and visually, to the sort of person you wished he was, the best Future You that you want or can be, no limits or defined but what you are now; change him exactly to what you want him to be, who he is, what he has and how he behaves

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

The key is to take a harsher look at yourself and be your own mirror. What are your softeners and reasons you put up with not moving on. What things do you find taking over your world without enjoyment? Which of yesterday’s events do you put up as your ‘reasoned excuses’? Think on this for awhile and make a few notes. Then take a pen and write down in bold capitals “NO MORE EXCUSES!”


- Don’t speak to him, just hear his thoughts. How do others see him, what major things did he do to get here, what advice would he give you? - Using mental telepathy or messages in your mind’s eye, just converse with him, feeling what it feels like to be with him. Listen to your feelings and thoughts he is portraying himself to you. - After a few minutes, smile, thank him and watch him walk away. Stay for a little while with that feeling his presence brought out. You are ready to come back into the room and with a few deep breathes, slowly open your eyes

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

- Again, really see the changed and improved Future You. He has achieved so much and feels so alive and full of energy, with a renewed spirit. What does he look like, how does he hold himself? Just see him and enjoy being in his presence.


You go first to be the role model and then he can go second. Stand in the middle of the room. Describe who you are now briefly (about 1 to 3 minutes) – the Current You. Take a big step to the side. Describe the Future You but as if you were already him (about 1 to 3 minutes). Feel the strength. Step back to where the Current You was standing and feel the reduced energy. See how different the two ‘people’ and positions feel. Now step to where the Future You was standing. You can choose who you want to be and where you want to stand - the Current You or the Future You. Just choose where you want to stand and make a decision.

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

Future You - An Optional Sharing Technique


~Emile Zola

Step 3: Goals There is no magic system for setting goals, the power is just in doing it and following through. A few comments on goals: - Generally we are told that goals should be SMART (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Time framed) - This logic for attainable goals in the short term are correct, for the medium term however I would suggest THINKING BIG to gain what you want. Then the challenge becomes how to attain them and often this will take more than a little faith. Do not be afraid of how you are going to get there. It’s okay if things are not perfectly clear, just trust your journey and yourself The concept of life BALANCE is important. Goals should be set across the spectrum or various areas of your son’s life. Create a list that works for you, we suggest: • • • • • • •

Me (personal) Health and sport Family and home Friends, social and community Learning Financial Ethical and spiritual

Goals only have power if: - One has energy, passion, enthusiasm and a great attitude; if you or your son are not in a ‘strong, good mental space’ then do not do this process until both of you are - They are based upon Decisions. Decisions create power. Men propose, wars begin, historic events turn when committed men make a DECISION. The power of a decision happens in an instant; power is pulled towards you in your moment of decision, ‘I would like to’ is nowhere near as powerful as ‘I will….’ – life changing decisions happen in an instant; when you decide and commit.

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

“”If you asked me what I came into this world to do I will tell you I came to live my life out loud.”


Fewer bigger, clear powerful goals create energy, long lists bore! Both of you draw on your pad headings: Balance Area Goal By when Actions I need to take No big fancy worksheets or being neat, just engaging with your goals - your highly personal goals - and reflect back to your discussion with your Future You. ENJOY and give yourself and him over to the process for 10 to 30 minutes.

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

His Mom will work with the important but less significant daily goals like keeping his room clean. Your role is challenging him to create the goals to become the man he wishes to be.


GOAL BUDDIES

“If you want to be happy.... then be happy.”

This is a simple but powerful technique.

~John Kehoe

Keeping on track with Goals and an awareness that you are moving in a direction is greatly assisted by being accountable to both yourself and someone you love. Agree to be Goal Buddies and agree to chat at a specific time once a week for only a few minutes about where you are in keeping on track, with follow through, on the actions that lead to your goal. This is NOT small talk whenever you pass each other at home, but a specific set aside scheduled time for a 5 to 10 minute update and discussion once a week that you meet and discuss as a mini-ritual. Some things to keep in mind: - You do not need to solve issues or criticize in any way. People know when they are off track – do not criticize or tell each other what should be done - Just the awareness of being accountable is more than enough - You briefly tell him what you are doing each week and where you are on or off track - Let him do the same - That’s it. Remember this is about sharing and being there for each other. The process naturally assists in self accountability!

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

Secret of happiness


H E R S I N M O T IO N

Life takes on meaning when you become motivated, set goals and charge after them in an unstoppable manner. ~Les Brown

Most of us serve our ideals by fits and starts. The person who makes a success of living is one who sees his goal steadily and aims for it unswervingly. That's dedication. ~Cecile DeMille

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UNIT EIGHT - SETTING OURSELVES UP FOR SUCCESS

FA T


UNIT NINE- PASSING IT FORWARD

Passing It Forward


H E R S I N M O T IO N

TO CONCLUDE Ideas and techniques that add value, like Life itself, grow and are organically shared. Passing It Forward is about enriching your life, by embracing both Giving and Receiving, by extending your ability to live with an ‘attitude of gratitude’ to bring a smile to YOUR face while enhancing the lives of others. The purpose of this short module is to suggest ways that you can assist those around you to benefit from what you have learned in this guide and in the process you used to connect with your Son in your own unique way. And to this end, Thank You for the time we have been able to spend together and the effort and reward of the time spent with us in this program!

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UNIT NINE- PASSING IT FORWARD

FA T


Acknowledge your son in front of his friends. Steps: 1. Select a picture from the accompanying guide CD (or download from our website) that resonates with you or a personal picture that is likely to have meaning to him. 2. Post it, along with a personal message from you, to his social media wall, acknowledging him in front of his friends. This is awesome if done right, but can be awkward if done incorrectly. This is incredibly sensitive for him as he is conscious of how he looks in front of his friends. So the message guidelines are not about you expressing your feelings for him (“I love and admire you” is probably not a good idea!). It is rather a simple acknowledgement; it is about “him” (not your feelings for him), without being over done. This is what he is proud of, not potentially embarrassed, of you saying something publicly in front of his friends.

Suggested: “You are unique in your own way” “Well done on getting picked for the team [or whatever’s relevant to his life in the moment], you have so much potential” “Young Man, thanks for being you!” Remember: Less about FEELINGS but about ACKNOWLEDGING him without over doing it!

Facebook From your own profile, select the search box near the top and type in your son’s name and follow the link to his wall (assuming he has accepted you as a Friend). At the top, write your short message in the “Say Something” box. Click the Attach Photo icon, then attach a picture as chosen above that is likely to resonate with him and that feels right to you. Click the Share button and it is posted to his wall.

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UNIT NINE- PASSING IT FORWARD

ACKNOWLEDGE


Be a candle, not a mirror. Create light for others. You have learned things in this guide and you have experienced things uniquely on how to assist your son in being a better man. •Use these tools YOURSELF to really listen to and give your whole family space to grow and express themselves, for your son, your wife and any other children • Work on being the kind of Man and Father - Who uses humor - Who practices random acts of kindness - Who looks out for the interests of others, even when they are not present - Who feels great by simply making the world a better place by your deliberate intent and actions - Spends time on others EXPLAIN IN ONE SENTENCE HOW THIS WOULD IMPACT MY LIFE

• Look out for other fathers of young boys in your social and business circle and gently point out what you have learned in modeling and connecting. The responsibility for now and the next generation of men, rests with Men continously striving to be the best Fathers we can be • There are many broken homes and boys without mentors, consider assisting organizations who facilitate men mentoring other young men (www.boystomen.org and many others) • Commit to yourself that this is not the end of a program, but the start of a new awareness and a new YOU!

Write him a personal letter that comes from deep inside you ...

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UNIT NINE- PASSING IT FORWARD

PASS IT FORWARD


DEAR SON I have embarked upon this journey for you. As father and son, we have built a solid foundation together, and the bond we share is very special to me. It is my goal for this bond to continue growing through the years as we get older; to enjoy it and to use it as a basis that will offer you a glimpse of a beautiful future that can be uniquely yours, if you choose it and apply action and wisdom. Your happiness and bright future make me smile. Being close to you is so important to me. Spending quality time together is the only way to this path. I need to continue sharing the lessons life has taught me, through chronicles of my journey and time we spend together. I share your dreams of the future, for you will in many, many years to come, be my legacy. You will step forward into future generations, which will become all that is left of me. With all the many activities we have done and will do in the future, I see three major outcomes. The first is to offer you a rite of passage into manhood. I need you to understand that you are so special and unique. I will not let the chaos of everyday life or other family relationships distract me from acknowledging how special your unique journey is as I see you grow from a boy into a man I will be proud of. The second is wisdom. Knowledge is the accumulation of facts. Wisdom is using experience and reflection to reduce these facts into action-oriented, simple truths. How I wish you could have the wisdom I did not have at your age to aid your future journey into a bright, fun and successful one. You must choose your own path, but it is my honor to share as much wisdom, guidance, and tools you need to succeed from my experience. Lastly, is the closeness we share. Never forget that I have walked this journey with you since you were born, I walk it still and will continue to walk it long into the future when I am only a memory that you will keep with you. Our western society has forgotten the rite of passage into manhood and this is my role as your Father. I will never let that happen as my love and pride for you runs so deep.

YOUR FATHER


H E R S I N M O T IO N

BE A MAN WHO COUNTS! But most of all be proud be the best YOU and the best FATHER you know you are and can be!

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UNIT NINE- PASSING IT FORWARD

FA T


Total Guide