FASHION MONTHLY TASH-TASTIC!!!!! TOMMY LEE JONES’ SHOCK COOLUM MOVE BRINGS TASH FASH BACK TO SUNCOAST SHORES
Seen extreme right is the one and only Mr Tommy-Lee Jones clearly displaying the curvey bits at the end of his Tash which distinguish him from most, including, of course, Coolum rival “Ant”
By Anthony Sykes In a move seen as politically motivated, outspoken and critically acclaimed movie star and mustache aficionado Tommy Lee-Jones has decided to move to the Sunshine coastal town of Coolum situated less than 50kms from Eudlo itself. The actor best known for his films “Men in Black” and “Eudlo Forever” was said to have decided on the move when filming the aforementioned Ozzie thriller in 2006. Mr Jones said: “Its was the easiest decision I ever did make . . Once I realised I could live that close to Eudlo and still surf it was all over and thats a wrap ladies and gentlemen! Coolum is the closest I’ll ever get to enjoying the water and living just 40 minutes drive from the Garden of Eden. Eudlo that it is, yessirrey”. Scores of Hollywood stars have tried to combine their careers with a home in the Greater Eudlo district and found the transition too tempting to abandon their Film-life, but Tommy reckons he has found the solution. The moccha-like upper-lip stained Ginormus Film Giant said: “I wanna give the people of Austria a chance to re-vivify the long lost art of the MooStachee” he gafawffed dryly in an over the top southern drawl “You Aussie peoples need to remember your fashion roots, and they come from and belong on the top side o yo leehayp! Praise be to the Booonie and Merv Hugheys!!” he said much to the surprise and delight of all present on Australia day Cricket celebrations for Hollywood types. He later went on to express a wish to run courses designed specifically to create Mustache fashion fever “its my strong desire to see the moostachee reinstated as the number one fashion item in this country and who knows if we’re lucky, maybe one day, New Zealand.” Mr Jones later denied trying to impersonate local surf-sex god known mostly as “Ant”, “My love of the Tash started way before Ant. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, I just don’t see any resemblance tween us, I mean my Tash has curvy bits at the bottom don’t it??” Fashion Monthly wishes to express an equal admiration for both Mighty Moosatche’s and will support the Tash fash revival in all ways other than financial or practical.
SPOT THE FLOFFY DIFFERENCE COMPETITION SPARKS RIOTS IN CORSICAN RESTAURANT
Floffy Fashion stories didn’t end with the sadly recent departure from these shores of Floff curator and chief propagator Latisha Floffydart and if you thought that, you’d not be right, in fact you’d be wrong and not without good reason. Rioting began in a small Corsican restaurant after two devout Floffy followers were seen arguing over Ms Floffydarts favourite floff pose. We here at Fash Mon are asking readers to express a preference, which pic do YOU the READER think looks more floffy-like and do YOU want to start a riot over it? Please contact the editor if interested and we will send you a free floff pack.
FASHIONMONTHLY February 2009
All New “Facts with Muz” Column springs cross dressing frenzy By Mary Poppinios In an unprecedented show of unlikely drag queenary, Murray Bartholomew Browne, best know for his appearances in this publication, has announced a regular “fact” column. The uptothemoment article will feature; “incredibly fashionable and helpful tips which will enable the reader to access his own inner facts guru” said the evergreen Yandina maverick. The Sunshine coastal fact-al pioneer insists that his sudden cross-dressing habits will not put off his more traditional fan-base of farmers, piss heads and pig-shooters; “Look mate” said the bloke in a sarong “If I feel like throwin on a Sheila's glad rags it doesn't make me any less of a man. Fact is, my masculinity is enhanced by my ability to feel comfortable enough in a chicks garb to walk into the Yandina pub like this and stare down any C*** who checks out my well informed figure” Fashion monthly isn’t responsible for anything this controversial figure may say, nor do his views represent those of the editors or anyone else with an upbringing outside of the Yandina district. Here is just a small sample of the future exclusive delights on offer from this most unique of lifestyle consultants: Muz’s Fact no.162: Pink sombrero’s go well with a campari but only if you’re a chick, a poofta or a bloke who loves a good dress. Muz fact no.581: When it rains, there’s no need to water.
Letters from America
Juicy Dangler aka Andrew Shaw- often mistaken for a well known BBC comedian.
Views from the Juicy Dangler, our insider in the deep south; Andrew Shaw written personally to our permanent stand-in editor. I would have written yesterday, but since I opened your mail, just as Barcelona FC (a side I have inexplicably supported for years) were about to kick off, I felt the pull of the television considerably stronger than the prospect of writing more nonsense. Seeing as Barcelona suffered what can only be described as a morbid defeat at the hands of a lesser side I couldn't muster the interest in making conversation. (For this I make no apology) Instead I spent the evening staring at my flacid self, standing in a steaming shower, like the victim of some kind of metaphysical rape, frozen
in time and stricken with abrasive memories, watching the slime of crimes against my very being wash from my skin and spiral ever downwards into the plug-hole.....standing this way until the hot water ran cold and I shivered my way into a nice hot cup of tea, a warm duvet and the loving arms of my midget wife. Life's balance restored as I did what I do best, namely achieve unconsciousness.....only to dream of meeting David Beckham in Tibet......another story. Today is Sunday not only in the rest of the world but also here in what can only be described as 'South Carolina'. On this day, it is most sensible to remain indoors. The fevered, snake waving, Angry-Old-Testament-God-bothering types are out in force, wishing to burn out the Krishna's, Buddhists, Muslims in the world.....they do this with an ever present undercurrent of aggression, displayed in pretty much every aspect of their lives, from bombing the Persian Gulf to battling for a parking space, but especially visible in their dealings with what they lovingly refer to as 'outsiders' of which I am one! Despite my being English, and therefore inherently better than anyone born in this State, I am considered a heretical, freakish fairy. This, I don't mind so much, it's the abject lack of manners of these 'Christian' people that rubs me up the wrong way. (Offend me, but once you have attended elocution lessons, please) Don't get me wrong, I quite like Jesus the Christ, always have, for one simple reason. Despite the scruffiness and his 'Hells-Angel' bearded transient approach to life, cruising the coastal resorts of Galilee with gangs of scruffs, he always remained polite and softly spoken. I know there was an altercation in a temple one day, I can only imagine he had run out of imported Indian cigarettes and the craving had struck him particularly hard. (Thereby rendering the outburst forgivable, I am sure you concur) I do, however, derive a great deal of internal joy at the thought of having 'stolen' what can only be described as 'one of their women'
FASHIONMONTHLY February 2009
Well, Mister Idle, I must away, if for no other reason than to stop talking about myself with such indulgence. I have been unable to work in employment, whilst waiting for immigration to allow work permits, so have been formulating ideas for my next writing project. (Aside from the prestigious Fash Mon) It struck me that you are an Englishman in Australia, I am an Englishman in North America; correspondence between us may prove to be an interesting comparison of cultures, that could eventually spawn a magazine, a book of letters, a screenplay, perhaps even a new cult. I know they're crying out for them here (cults I mean) I like the idea of publicity materials, my distinct weathered looks beside your boyish yet noble, perhaps thicker hair and distinguished poise......Screw that, I don't need looks.....keep your thick, curling, feathery hair you swine, just stop going on about it! Until next time, think of me sitting at this lap-top as if it were some rain splattered window. I am chewing a knuckle, staring into the middle distance and awaiting word that you are safe and home, as if there is an answer in the smudged perspective. Tell me that the war is over and Truth and beauty have won! I shall sign off in my favourite fashion, with the words of a Eastern Orthodox priest with whom I shared a 'pen-friend' relationship with for some time, until his terribly ornate Byzantine death: I remain Andrew Shaw ('I remain' check out the beauty in that sign off)
keep coming over and taking our jobs eh? What is wrong with this country and why aren’t I always happy eh?? What is to be done oh wise one?” GAZ says; dear friend, Look basically the problem isn’t out there its “inside yourself”. You should learn how to relax more and stop blaming the world for being different and not the way you want it to be. How can you have peace and happiness without letting go of your prejudice and judgmental habits? As for the foreigners thing, obviously we need to reinstate Pauline Hansen as quickly as possible and get rid of all these liberal arty farty poofs from Victoria before we are swamped by all these bastards.* * Note from Ed. We at Fash Mon, while appreciating EVERYONES point of view wish to distance ourselves from the views expressed above. Especially the stuff about not blaming the world. Here’s a joke “how many great Ronaldo jokes does it take to drive a Pole to drink?” . . . . More from The big GF next month (or so).
GAZ’S AGONY UNCLE CORNER + one or two jokes Solomon seen here looking less than quite his normal self
Solly’s new look shocks the world! by Swami Milksheik gulab
Not satisfied with having created a very very big garden, Garrey Foulkes has stunned the world by announcing his availability for this publication not just once, but also for a number of occasions. You could even go so far as to suggest that this is a “regular” column and that Garrey’s contribution and effort are “incredible” if you so chose. So we begin this week with a completely real letter from a 47 year old man from Woombye; “Dear Uncle Gaz, I am a 48 year old man from Woombye who believes that life only gives back what you put in. Why oh why oh why do all these foreign types
South Indians were in a state of disarray this morning after the release of this latest picture of food fashion guru Solomon Othollo was released. The release of this latest press release photo has led many to believe that releasing regular pictures of the man known affectionately throughout Eudlo as “Solly” may release more harmful effects than good. A spokesman for the obscurely titled Indian tribe “SOL-lovers-r-us” have pledged to release less “aged” pictures of Solly and thus prevent more releases’ which might aggravate other, less well publicized and peaceful sol tribes who people other Sol infested areas of Southern India. The Swedish girls living in Bangalore have taken to the streets in protest at the timing of the pictures release, being only days before the launch of Sol’s typically humble self-titled master-chef cookbook “Sol: Master chef ”.