OK so it is two terms late....but…..
No Rob Morris! — Irony — Google Mess Up — Twitter — If they were authors
The Truth About Tea Emma Darwin Hall — HD List — Twitter — Facebook — And Loads More!
INSIDE Damien Hurst Headlines Chapel Artwork / Redefinition
Apologies / Postor Quotas
Department ‘Misses’ Decaying Remains
My Amazing Plan / JWRG ‘Snubs’ Reform on School Dress
Decline and Fall: From Tweed to Tracksuits / TPP "comes 14 unstuck" with tangible lust [here-is-some-irony] / The Ambiguity
Bike Race / Amendment
Shock School Election Results / The Vultures Wait
Shrewsbury School Wins National ‘Most Economical Department’ Award / An Observation
Common Room Expenses Scandal
Animal Escapes / Facebook’s Newest Member
Stroking the crew Head of Boats tells all
If they were authors Some of the best-sellers that could have been
The Truth About Tea The Falopian finds out what really happened.
Common Room Leak—HD List And ‘tis rather amusing.
Emma Darwin Hall Exclusive inside report on Shrewsbury’s newest boarding house
Twitter A snapshot
This is a fun magazine which aims to create happiness and magic, and anyone who takes offence is grumpy. And boring. Make sure you check out all our sponsors, we couldn’t print this without them (especially Aleyna’s on the back page, because they are awesome).
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters or writers in this magazine bear any resemblance to the members of Shrewsbury school, and any links you can find are completely coincidental. Floreat Falopia!
Apologies for Omission: I regret to say that the Falopian’s most popular character, the great Rob Morris, fails to make an appearance. Why? Because its TOO EASY, readers. The number of articles that mentioned Sachin Tendulkar or lightning or chips....so for the sanity of the school, he’s gone. Not a mention. And if you do notice any references to an ‘RHM’—that's purely your imagination. Probably just a ‘Rabbity Head Manoeuvre’ or ‘Rambunctious Hiatus in Mass’. Sorry. x
A Charitable Venture: The Falopian is very proud to say that through advertising it has managed to raise £240, and that this money will go towards the Blue Chairs. Yippee!
Damien Hurst Headlines Chapel Artwork The Revd Gary Dobby in the last week unveiled plans for a new central piece in the school chapel / mosque / opium den / psychedelic rave building. The instalment, called ‘trinity preserved in salt, water and formaldehyde’ (nb see ADB for pronunciation), depicts a trio of god’s creatures in variously subservient positions, hanging in prime position above the altar Alex I said ‘cod’ not ‘COD4’; you’re fired—Ed in gigantic jars. Damien Hurst, the controversial modern artist and brains behind the operation explains how Mr Dobby had asked for something ‘different and challenging to continue the series of tasteful pieces currently on display’. The three animals in question will be: An armadillo. With its legs removed this mammalian shelled torso will be symbolic of how even the most ‘hard-skinned’ individual must make themselves open and vulnerable to the presence of god A cod. This is a pictorial representation of Gary’s favourite religion-related pun, ‘may the piece of cod which passes all understanding.............’ The intestine of a giant sperm whale. As Gary described it, this is ‘to see what I can get away with in the name of art and symbolism’. Other contenders for this role included the eviscerated pulp of 3290 ladybirds and Lady Gaga dressed as a Koala. Above the Falopian has constructed an artist’s impression of the scene. Mr Dobby describes the piece as breakthrough, and believes that it will bring students in the chapel even closer to the gods God. Well, at least the incense will cover up the smell. King Rog of Dalbania
Redefinition A recent addition to the Oxford dictionary sparked controversy amongst many literary enthusiasts: (n) assassin, an audacious character who, in possession of a large, cumbersome weapon, and in full view of a large number of other onlookers, with considerable voice attempts to attack another individual, who is likely to have sensed the strike “the assassin ran clumsily towards his target, pistol armed”; The dictionary’s compilers replied to allegations that ‘this completely goes against the first entry’ and ‘surely this is a contradiction in itself’, saying that ‘since the word had now been used so commonly to in reference to its new use that it had justified this entry’. Well, whatever common usage says, this reporter is still unconvinced. K.
Correlation The last few years.......in randomly chosen statistics.........
The economics department were unable to find any meaningful correlation, however PAMM was able to point out that superposing satisfaction at tea routine and Lib Dem Support made a pair of scissors. Interesting observation. We leave it to the reader to explain these patterns. Poisson
OR F F O F URY % 0 1 SB W E SHR OL O SCH ENTS D STU 4
The Salopian Distilled
The Human Centipede
Google Misprint Stuns School Marquiss of Mumbassa Google has issued a formal apology for this heinous misprint; its short summary on a Shrewsbury School implies a system so draconian and backward thinking that it only accepts boys. Some by might say it was almost blasphemy to suggest that a school as forward thinking and broadminded as Shrewsbury would be parlay to such medieval discrimination. The headmaster when commenting to the fallopian explained that ‘not only was the school broadminded about its pupils’ but also ‘it is one of only a few schools in the country to employ handicapped staff’. He commented ‘we run group therapy sessions for all the staff and we have just begun a weight watchers club called “Running Helps the Mind”’ There has also been a public outcry from the boys as regards to Google’s gargantuan balls up: “We the boys are deeply hurt by Google’s clear disregard for the girls feelings, it is as if they are saying that the girls are not truly salopians and are not welcome at school. This of course is absurd as they bring so much to the school: for example the introduction of the Freddie Loxton challenge, something they were particularly proud of in their first year.” It is clear that the entire school has been shocked to the bone by this gross mistake of Google’s.
Confessions down at the Boathouse
Zeki Celebi gains exclusive access to a member of the RSSBC, finding out how things really are: Me: Great to see you, I feel honoured to be interviewing such a distinguished rower. How have you used your new position in the Boat Club? Anonymous Rower: Well we’ve always said it’s important to take a ‘hands on approach’. Naturally I enjoy stroking my crew, and when we finally come together it’s very exciting. There is nothing as satisfying as a crew moving in time. Me: So can you give me some info on the kind of techniques you think are important? R: Well obviously it depends which position you’re in. Generally though you’ve got to have a tight grip on the shaft otherwise you can’t move your oar back and forth quickly enough, and you won’t be able to unleash any power. As expected slide control is essential. Me: So I guess there’s a lot more to it than I’d have guessed? R: Well yeah, I mean ideally you’ve got to be on top of what you’re doing to make sure you can get the most out of the stroke and give you that extra spurt of speed. Me: Cool, sounds........fun. So what sort of attire do you need to get the most pleasing results? R: Well I’ve always felt that lycra is best, it really lubricates team bonding. You mustn’t be afraid to get a little sweaty with the boys. Me: Clearly. So how do you feel about girls doing it? R: Well to be honest I don’t think girls should do it, I prefer boys. Girls just don’t have the physique. Fascinating words. What an insight into the life of the RSSBC, personally I feel greatly reassured to know that the school’s rowing club is in very capable hands.
Michael Palin Lecture “Darwin’s Theory on the De-evolution of Shrewsbury School” Science Lecture Theatre 10th November 2009
If They Were Authors... The Falopian speculates on the literature that the artistic world has been cheated of. Here are some of the best-sellers that could have been:
‘The Art of Public Speaking’ by Martin Knox
‘Using your Saliva Effectively’ by Peter Fanning
‘Maintaining your Size’ by Miles Harding
‘The Age of Devolution’ by Andrew Briggs
‘The Gorilla Playing Drums – Classic Adverts of Our Age’ by John Moore
‘How I Found Myself—Or Anything Else’ by Jim Sheppe
‘Should You be Looking at That?’ by Michael Twells
‘15th Century Britain – an Autobiography’ by David Gee
‘The Power of the Voice – How to Engage an Audience’ by Andrew Allott
‘View to a Kill’ by David Law
‘How to Get that Perfect Smile’ by John Balcombe
‘Controlling the Masses’ by Martin Hansen
‘Marrow – the Forgotten Vegetable!’ by Matthew Clark
‘This Little Pig Went to Market – A Compendium of Common Nursery Rhymes’ by Toby Percival
‘No Small Business...’ by Stuart Cowper
‘The Unauthorised Adventures of Papa Smurf’ by David James
‘So Who is this God Person Anyway?’ by Mark Elliot
‘Supersonic – the Story of Concorde’ by Victoria Kirk
‘The Spread of Information’ by Dimitri Poitier
The Master of Go
Department ‘Misses’ Decaying Remains Members of the Falopian were recently shocked to discover that a recently deceased human body had been found in the biology department’s museum / taxidermy voodoo palace. Initial post mortem results indicate that the body may be as old as four months, and although the school is not being accused of the murder itself, questions are being raised as to how it wasn’t detected earlier. “In fairness,” Andrew Allott told interviewers charismatically, “we haven’t had any prospective parents around it for a long time. As for the students they couldn’t give half a damn about pressed flowers or grotesquely still stuffed birds, and if they wanted to see pickled brains and livers KH is just down the road. Basically no one cares. The only interesting thing is the parrot OAP, but even the third form have now realised that if they want to hear inane high pitched noises or simplistic, three word sentences with random, idiosyncratic pauses, both can be catered for in the chemistry department.” But what about the biology technicians? They at least had ventured into said museum recently. But when questioned, one such commented, “when you’ve been in the museum so many times, your senses just become numb to all the pointless, uninteresting, random merde that’s in there. I guess we must have just missed it over the piles of crocodile testes and model flamingos and all the other rubbish.” Disturbing as it has been, the school has expressed its hope that the museum will continue to provide endless excitement to students and justify its considerable upkeep costs and storage requirements. They hope it will be central to school life and not simply exist as a disgustingly contrived way of reeling parents into the school like the very macabrely stuffed fish they display. Fizzy Cist 8
A Message 9
The Truth About Tea In this unique report, the Falopian has gained exclusive access to the SMT. Through personal diary entries and minutes from SMT meetings throughout the year, we have sought to find out the truthâ€”the truth about why such a good system was meddled with. The results? Well, see for yourself....
The Fear 10
Happiness for some
More crisis for everyone else
Crisis Cropper’s Wager
The Trial Thus began MJT’s campaign to continue what had begun in MJH. It would be a bitter struggle. Ridiculous as MJH’s entrance had been, one member of the SMT had taken his words to heart. It was the fear. The fear of a student body, bent on destruction. 11
Derek Trolley 12
JWRG ‘Snubs’ Reform on School Dress
In a comment to the Falopian, JWRG explained how the possibilities being explored by MJT and PAF were ‘ridiculous and actually offensive’. ‘They attempted to convince me that the new changes were evolving to reflect the school itself, yet I think we can all agree that the dress worn by students at this school is very far from that described in the reform’. Well, the Falopian at least will be taking JWRG’s side in this debate. Lemon Curator 13
Decline and Fall: From Tweed to Tracksuits Wet Bob to Dry Bob: the Story of As soon as The Falopian heard the days of ‘Delwin's’ brightly coloured corduroy trousers were to walk their final footsteps through the corridors of ‘The Mount’, we felt that a huge legacy of double barrelled names and welsh barons' illegitimate offspring was at an end. And, alas, unfortunately The Falopian was faultless in its predictions yet again… WAH having only been in the job for less than a year, ‘The Mighty Mount’ has lost the title of the house with the most amount of double-barrelled names to RTH's Churchill's, with sports nearly twice the number of inanely long cognomina. The Falopian has also noticed that despite MACH's best attempts of resistance over his stewardship, Ridgemount has gradually opened its doors to a multicultural society encompassing the whole world, a move which is systematically causing the Hunting, Fishing, Shooting brigade to look elsewhere! Sources say that it is not the gentle whiff of exotic cuisine wafting from ‘The Mount's’ newly glazed windows that is causing the migration of tweed throughout the school, but, instead the rapidly increasing numbers of female students on bottom common and the distractions that have arisen from them causing pupils to stray off site and into trouble… So after WAH's tumultuous start of term and TPP's confectionary crisis in Quod, we at The Falopian wonder how long this partnership filled with stress can last…. “Is there anyone out there who could replace MACH's rallying battle cries before bumps?” “Is there anyone who can lead 'The Mount' to even higher standards in The House Shout?” “Is their anyone with more sophistication, suaveness and charm than MACH to fill the wellingtons?” Impossible to answer, the Falopian would say; yet by all accounts we hear that WAH is making steps towards it. Molly Muppet
TPP "comes unstuck" with tangible lust Shrewsbury School’s ‘musical expert’ Mr Percival stood out in one of the most recent episodes of Eggheads. He was certainly the one wearing the most outrageous T-Shirt (unwashed to this day I am told), described by opponent Daphne beforehand as ‘very kind to his figure’. And he was without a doubt the most knowledgeable contestant, appearing to know the answer to almost every question, a fact he did not fail to convey to the audience through violent and vigorous head motions and rolling eyes. Unfortunately when the baton fell to him, and he challenged Daphne to a head to head on music (and I think that we all saw the wink), he failed to impress. So engulfed was he with the visual challenge of his opponent, he in fact lost the round: he claims to have “let her win”. To tell the truth, despite appearing to know the answers to everyone else’s questions, he looked shaky on his own. The first saw TPP making a cryptic reference to “the three ‘S’s”, asserting that “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a Samuel” to eventually conclude that it was the feast of Stephen, not Orinocho, upon which King Wenceslas last looked down! He carried on to expose his lack of knowledge of Swahili and then even accuse Dermot Murnaghan, the presenter, of stealing his passport!! Throughout TPP’s modesty shone through in the form of comments such as “I think I could take them all on” and “even I wouldn’t know that one”. His most excited agreement was on the fact that a Pink Lady was an apple, and in his enthusiasm to communicate this he accidentally caught fellow competitor Mr Dunn’s chin with a particularly energetic nodding spasm. Ultimately the result was a very smug eggheads team, and one very defeated Salopian offering, and one very embarrassed student body. Sabino Arana 14
We all knew it would happen eventually. But that doesn't make it any easier. Be prepared.
DAMN* Aiming for sexual equality, the architect has aimed to mirror other boarding houses in design and functionality:
Four poster bed Leather sofa
Door to balcony
1 mile Beavoir aRAT Indoor shopping centre, comprising all major shopping chains and boutiques
Jacuzzi & sauna
‘Emma Darwin Hall’
Stairs to secret underground male surveillance facility, with CCTV links to all boarding houses
* ‘N’ optional 15
[here-is-some-irony] Girls officially less intelligent than boys Well we all knew it. And now there is scientific evidence. Hans Zarkoff, formerly of NASA, has provided what is now being described as solid evidence that a woman’s brain is in fact smaller than a man’s, a discovery which will undoubtedly shed light on the current state of play at Shrewsbury School. Those astounded at the apparently effortless manner in which residents of MSH have manage to skip lessons, get away with misdemeanours and gain (what would for any male resident a difficult feat) their house scarves, will be delighted to have this solution answer their confusion. Indeed, early comments from the SMT indicate that school policy towards female inhabitants had been ‘based on this presumption’ and that this affirmation by the scientific community only ‘strengthens what we already know’. In a statement from PAF, “We didn’t want everyone to find out this way, but now that scientific evidence is available to support the theory we do admit that these seemingly unfair acts have been due to what we suspected about female mental capabilities”. Many of the more outspoken of the Shrewsbury community felt obliged lend their intellectual weight to this debate, commenting that they had also in the past year acted on this principle. They argued that by being female and less intelligent, the girls were asking for what they got. One student very succinctly put it with the words “you could call it outrageous sexism, but on the other hand they do have smaller brains and they just deserve it anyway so yeah...and it is an all boys school.” Another interviewee described a ‘hilarious story with great banter value’, in which a group of his associates cornered one of our mentally less able females and bombarded her repeatedly with snowballs. “It was comedy” he declared, before losing himself in a fit of his own guffaws. This revelation has had national repercussions. It has been hinted by leading members at OCR, AQA and Edexcel that A-Level syllabuses are potentially to be divided into gender specific categories in order to accommodate this difference is academic prowess. They were inevitably accused of sexism, but as one member from AQA put it – ‘it’s science, isn’t it? You can’t mess with science’. Suggesting that Mr Zarkoff may have been mistaken or overstating in his finds, I was informed that ‘I needed to get with the times and stop being such a equality maniac cliché’. Forgive my scepticism, but though I obviously believe that our revered MSH residents deserve everything they get, I think I’ll stick to being a ‘cliché’. Phem N East
What are these euphemisms the Falopian asks? Alas, in an effort to not be too specific, the rules on these ‘compromising’ situations are……well incredibly vague. And completely open to interpretation. The word ‘pupils’ is suitably non-gender and non-number specific. This faux distinction between just ‘compromising’ and ‘seriously compromising’ clearly has a definite subtext, yet whether anyone knows where on earth this arbitrary line between the two is…… Fortunately, clarification seems imminent. In order to help explain the distinction, the SMT has published a more complete, situation specific guide to dealing with these issues called ‘the bases for punishment’. The four part illustrated manual covers all possible eventualities, detailing appropriate sanctions for a given level of rule breaking. It’s reassuring to know that even intimacy is now officially categorised. 16
Common Room Leakâ€”HD List The Caretaker
Exclusive sneak peak from one of the most recent editions (rotate 90o to view):
Stunning Labour Victory in School election Despite being known for its traditionalist, elitist creed, Labour has surged to victory in an unprecedented victory in this former Tory stronghold. Comrade in the field MASW was said to be ‘very happy’ with the result where Labour won all the votes cast. The victory came amid scandal. Initial results had shown a Conservative victory, however the Labour government’s electoral commission were quick to investigate and discover widespread abuse of our democracy. It was reported that the conservative candidate had been found voting over 30 times on behalf of others, whilst using life long Tory heavies such as RTH to intimidate forward thinking youths from voting constructively. UKIP also came under fire for reputedly buying MDHC — a votes, under the candidates £1 a vote scheme. As a result of these allega‘frontrunner’ tions all parties bar Labour had their votes confiscated, MASW further comin the schools mented – ‘it comes as no surprise that the conservatives who have a long history of opposing democracy would commit such a betrayal to the school, old-con once again Labour has been shown a party for fairness and justice, and I movement look forward to a Labour government which washes all archaic, theist beliefs away. In a recent revelation, MDHC, the Conservatives’ campaign manager at the School, resigned, admitting his role in the fraud. It can now be revealed that in a move unseen in democracies since the days of Napoleon, MDHC doubled the number of conservative votes and halved Labour’s. This cowardly action was to try to ensure that Labour’s radical manifesto, which went so far to condemn all other candidates as bigots, was not realised. MDHC is reported to be resigning over his actions in the coming days and has already said to have been offered a place in the Upper house (Kingsland House) – another typical example of a lack of conservative justice. William Lenthall MP
An Epileptic Spider
Shrewsbury School Wins National ‘Most Economical Department’ Award The Shrewsbury School ceramics department was this month voted the most economical department nationally. Mrs Woolley, chief ‘maker of things out of clay’, commented, “I am delighted though not unsurprised. As you know our department has managed to make a very small budget cover a huge number of those doing the subject, and to then fit all those people in our tiny department is just very impressive. If only other departments were able to manage themselves as efficiently as this, as our per person our cost is far lower than any other. We successfully survive as more and more take the subject, and in ten years time we hope to break into double figures (though whether all those will continue through to upper sixth is another question).” I am told however that the win was close, and Shrewsbury’s CDT department came a very slight second. [The Most Accomplished Teacher Award was also won by a member of the Shrewsbury School Common Room, however the Falopian has promised not to mention him] An Ironic Rabbit
Common Room Expenses Scandal Outraged by the MPâ€™s expenses scandal, the Falopian can now exclusively (take that Public Nose) reveal that Shrewsbury School has not evaded the evil tendrils of corruption; certain members of the Common room influenced by the flighty ideas of duck houses and moat cleaning have been exploiting faculty budgets like Chinese orphans in a pencil factory. Behold their evil ways!
Sir Roger. I . Wetmisself
Animal Escapes from Safari Park Life in West midlands Safari Park was thrown into disarray yesterday morning when one of the inhabitants of the primate enclosure, nicknamed ‘Andy’ (pictured left) was not anywhere to be found. Workers at the zoo say that Andy is docile unless provoked, but that he is easily confused and communicating with him can often be frustrating. He enjoys bananas and a good tickle. The enclosure staff are worried Andy if left to his own devices he may cause minor upset (and a plethora of Us), and any sightings of Andy should be reported to the park, who are prepared to offer a reward.
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Published on May 21, 2010