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November, Issue 1, www.facebook.com/groups/exetersatire, Twitter @exposedsatire. Mr Davis during his twelve hour stint on the roof knew he was there as a representative of satire and of our paper.” Local residents however (in their endearingly rural and backwards fashion) failed to divine Davis' real purpose and alerted the authorities. Where normally the removal of a deviant from a public building would take a tranquiliser dart, some cushioning equipment and a matter of minutes, the tireless efforts of the Exposed editorial team, (who mingled with the police and fire services as they Above - the authorities cherry-pick Mr Davis from roof, unaware of his real arrived, subtly handing out purpose as a publicity aid. bribes and small sexual favours) meant that Mr Davis remained on the roof for most of the day. While the original plan had been Our editor concludes We are pleased to report that our to give Mr Davis a sign reading large-scale publicity stunt on the “Exposed” and a small Yorkshire “I couldn’t have been happier with the stunt, we made national 7th of October was wildly Terrier so that he could recreate papers! Well I say “papers” - it successful, with likes on this the paper’s logo while roofwas the Mail. But publicity is magazine’s Facebook page and bound, in the end we decided that publicity. I suppose if I had to membership to our group more just having an exposed man in a find any faults with the stunt I than doubling after Exeter students prominent position would be would say that, ultimately, it saw our naked man on the roof of enough raise our profile. was a shame that they arrested a property in Culverland Road. Our editor had this to say We engaged the services ofAdam “Sometimes you need to go that Mr Davis and later sectioned him, but satirical journalism is a Davis, a 45 year old accountant extra mile. Facebook based from Truro who, eager to support publicity is all very well but few cut-throat business and Mr student journalism and publishing, things raise awareness like a well Davis' freedom is a small price to pay for drumming up support agreed to strip off and scale the placed naked accountant. I think for our new venture.” property for a small service charge the majority of students who saw

Exposed Publicity Stunt A Success.


HAPPENINGS A Word of Welcome, A Stern Disclaimer and A Submissions Plug from The Editor. Welcome! Exposed is a new student magazine for satire and humour, that we hope will continue long into the future but will probably only run for the length of this academic year. Think of us as Private Eye without the high standard of investigative journalism or The Onion without all those Americans, and don't let our slightly sub-par layout put you off. There is humour hidden in that inpenetrably small text, persevere with it.

HAPPENINGS

Pg 1 - 5 Local Happenings, Pg 6 - 7 National Happenings,

CULTURAL WANK Pg 8 - 10 Film Pg 11 - Literature Pg 12 - Tv and Radio Pg 13 - Food Pg 14 - Music

Pg 15 - 16 Cartoons, Fresher's Corner, Stat Shots. Now the disclaimer. Exposed remains unaffilliated with the Student Guild, Exeter University or any other official body. Pg 17 - Auntie Rawlingson's Page of Agony, Pg 18 - Slutting It! The views expressed within Exposed are in no Pg 19 - Pointless Novelty Quiz, way representative of the views of The University of Exeter, its staff, or associates. S PORT

Everything herein is entirely fictious and/or penned with tongue firmly in cheek, nothing is Pg 20 - All the Latest From The Sport World. intended seriously nothing is meant in earnest, Simply write the article, check that it is funny ergo don't take us at our word especially not in and then send it to regard to this issue's front page article. ExposedSatire@gmail.com. Exposed is edited, sub-editied, compiled, illustrated and written by various people, each Equally feel free to email us if you want to fearing litigative action more than the last, and take photographs for us or draw us nice remaining anonmous accordingly. cartoons. If you too would like to live in fear of Now, enjoy our first edition, humourless and sensitive people suing you than Yours warmly, why not submit your own articles to Exposed. Anyone can do it providing they are a student. Ed. 2


HAPPENINGS 50% ofAll Humanties Students Unable To Talk About Anything Beyond Themselves. In a recent psychological survey of students, it was noted that, whilst physicists were inordinately pre-occupied with discrediting Brian Cox and his watered down "pop-physics", humanities students were burdened with extreme narcissism. Researchers found a sample group were unable to answer simple mathematical questions, preferring instead to twist the answers slightly and then slowly segue in to how their childhood had really informed their work this term, or would have done, had they done it. Many claimed that if they had, it would have been "transcendant and genre-defying." Some, unprompted, started to recite Ezra Pound poetry that they felt echoed their current emotional states. When testers attempted to redirect conversation back to the original topic, many subjects took out cameraphones and started taking pictures of themselves looking artistically moody. "I've got to look wistful in this one, I am all about the wistful right now", said one 2nd year, gazing into the middle distance and holding his camera phone at arm's length. Another, when asked to identify a 3d shape from its 2d plan, was reminded of an editorial which he'd written about racism, and had to tweet about it. He then went on to tell those surveying him in detail about the ways in which he felt spiritually connected to certain trailblazing political and cultural figures, and how their work informed his own, he breifly shoehorned in accounts of the most enlightening drug induced experiences he'd had, as well as what he eaten for lunch, all in the form of a meandering poem. Researchers noted that the humanities/self-absorbtion correlation was present in both male and female humanities students, but, where males seemed at least partially concious of the fact and proud of it, in a strutting dickish sort of a way, many female participants were only subconsciously turned inward upon themselves, and when questioned afterwards were unable to recognise the fact that they had spent the entire interview talking relentlessly about their own lives. The director of the study concluded - "While the correlation isn't present in all humanities students, where it was present it was pronounced and difficult to ignore. Some of our researchers have suggested that our findings are due in part to the fact that, while science and maths are abstract concepts outside of the self, when you read things you basically have to relate it back to your own life, others suggest the humanities just attracts these people. Whatever the cause and effect our findings are deeply concerning."

Exeter Hipster Shocked To Discover There Are More Types Of Poetry Than Just "Beat" "Turns out there is literally loads of poetry out there and, while not all of it "socks it to The Man" in the same way as Beat poetry does, some of it is perfectly readable and was in fact read by the Beats themselves, which elevates it by association." Chinese International Students Feel "Welcomed and Embraced." "Everyone has been so kind, they are always taking me out for drinks, enquiring into my heritage and culture, and generally helping me to mix and assimilate. I was worried that I might in some way be ostracised or that people would be slightly racist. But that hasn't happened at all." says Yu Chung, happily. Finalist Still Going On and On About His Gap Year. Friends report "He is still always talking about it and suggesting implicitly that he really understands poverty now and has an unbreakable bond with the people of Sierra Leone, and all non-white people! He seems to think that by saying “gap yah� he somehow adding a charming element of selfparody but it’s still fucking annoying. 3


HAPPENINGS

Exeter Student Realises That All Clubbing is Inherently Grim and Dreadful.

Exeter student David Lloyd has recently been particularly vocal in his refutation of clubbing as an enjoyable past-time, claiming that after undergoing a “revelatory experience” a few weeks ago he is now able to see clubbing as the “joyless, arse-fest” that it truly is. Rather than dismissing his assertions as strange and groundless we instead met up with him in an Exeter coffee house yesterday evening and conducted a brief interview. We asked him to explain his revelation... “It happened about a month ago. I had arranged to go clubbing with the lads and was pretty pumped and excited about the whole thing. It wasn’t going to be anything out of the ordinary, just an average night. I planned to head back from campus at about six, prelash for four to five hours and then hit the town but I got waylaid some how, I don’t even remember what it was now, and at about ten I got a slurred call telling me that everyone was hitting the club. I was walking back from campus so I figured I would just go straight there and catch up with the drinking on the way.” “I got a few beers down me, I guess, but I knew something was wrong from the moment I walked in. Have you ever gone clubbing sober? Everything seemed just generally much more unpleasant than I remembered it, a lot more crowded, a lot hotter...stickier, I kept sticking to things...everything was tacky, the walls, the floor, other people, but I put it all to the back of my mind and just tried to dance.” He sighed heavily and took a steadying sip of iced coffee. “I think it was when I heard the words “all day, all night, all day, all night” for the fiftieth time that something inside just snapped. It was like the scales had fallen from my eyes, I remember looking around and thinking “Why are we doing this? We're clever, well-rounded aesthetic sort of people...so why are we all voluntarily crammed 4

Above - A "club" together in this pulsing subterranean hell?” “I can’t do it justice in words. It was revelatory. It was like I had broken out of the matrix,” “Of course once the delusion of enjoyment that I had drunkenly cultivated throughout my adolescence was gone, once I was outside of it looking in, I was free to observe the full technicolour dreadfulness of it all. I noticed for the first time that there was an overarching smell of vomit, sweat and wet dog, which it transpires is also the smell of wet humans and probably just all wet mammals. And the music, my god the music, to think I once enjoyed that music, I thought it was upbeat and fun, turns out what I meant by upbeat and fun was dreafully synthesised repetitive hammering! Little things stood out as well, like the fact that everyone was tirelessly photographing themselves as if this was an experience they wanted to treasure rather than viciously repress. Seriously though, the smell, the sound, the writhing, jumping bodies of my peers, I felt like an extra in a crowd scene by Hieronymus Bosch. Disgusted with myself, and humanity, I left immediately, and I haven’t looked back.”


HAPPENINGS We asked if David thought it was his lack of inebriation that resulted in the revelatory experience, and whether if he went again, pleasantly liqoured up, he wouldn’t enjoy clubbing. “That is really not the point.” he replies, “I mean the lack of alcohol precipitated the realisation, but it’s not the point. People are constantly telling me “You weren’t drunk, of course it’s not going to be fun if you're not drunk”, but I’m increasingly thinking that if you have to obliterate your higher functions in order to make something fun - that thing probably isn’t what you would call “inherently fun” to begin with.

“The worst thing is people continue to do it, and pay for it. I can't tell you how blissful and well-rounded my life has been since I stopped. My grades have soared and that is to say nothing of the elevated quality of aesthetic soul. If I could get my message out, if I could disabuse just one person of the notion that clubbing is in any way an enjoyable practice... but most people wouldn’t listen, it’s too ingrained.”

He glanced forlornly outside as a crowd of freshers swept by in a haze of drunken chanting and exposed flesh. “Also I don’t want to sound sanctimonious or condiscending or whatever, but I fear the majority of people are beyond help. They will If you think about it, I mean really think about never open their minds to the truth of the it, what you are doing is Dutch Couraging whole thing. They will keep returning to the yourself up, like you would if you were in the clubs, unaware of the horror they putting front line of some horrible battle, drink and then themselves through. They will continue to the unpleasant thing will be bearable. Right? pump and grind mindlessly, never knowing Why not just get drunk somewhere that isn’t a that they are dead inside, and I for one pity thumping beat-filled dive, why not get drunk them.” somewhere that is already nice, like a field or at a friends house?” Below some student clubbers dance mindlessly, each and every one of them dead inside.

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HAPPENINGS "Occupy London Admit That They Intended to Target The London Chamber of Commerce" The anti-Capitalism protesters currently occupying the green outside St Paul's Cathedral originally intended to demonstrate outside the London Chamber of Commerce, it was revealed today. A spokesperson for the group stated that the original and infinitely more logical target had been scrapped because "it's hard to navigate a huge group of people around a city centre, especially when most of those people are so angry with modern capiltalism that they won't pay for alternative transport or even walk down the more commercial London roads." "We all just sort of ended up outside St Paul's and wanting to make the best of a bad situation we put on our V for Vendetta masks and settled down." "If I had known that it would make all these gentle bishop types resign I probably would have moved the group on to some more relevant building." 6

Angela Merkel Cynically Exploits History to Coerse Europe into Bailing Out Greece,

German Chancellor Angela Merkel’s behaviour at the emergency EU economic summit was “sinister at best” political commentators today suggested. General suspicions abound that Merkel spent the entire summit deliberately playing on her country’s militant political past in order to bring the other nations in line with her views on the Greek bail-out. ““There was something frankly chilling in her quiet “Ve can’t guarantee peace”” states Herman Van Rompuy - President of Europe “I’m not saying she was directly threatening a “repeat showing” as it were, but she made sure we knew that the option was always there.” “She kept over-using phrases like “3rd time lucky” or “the 3rd time around” and looking pointedly at Cameron and Sarkozy every time she did so.” Sarkozy himself attests, “I did get the impression that she was constantly weighing me up, I know that sounds paranoid, but really, at one point during some particularly lengthy negotiations she mouthed something to me across the table, I’m not much on lip reading, and I suppose it could have been anything, but from where I was sitting it did look an awful lot like "I. Could. Crush. You!” Polish Premier Donald Tusk says “I’m positive she went out of her way to stand just slightly too close to me the whole time.” and his economics consultant Benjamin Lehrer recalls his concern at Merkel’s “unwavering hatefilled gaze” Van Rompuy concludes “I think I speak for all the representatives when I say we spent the summit in a state of unremitting fear. There wasn’t one of us there that wasn’t entirely terrified of enflaming her and sparking an international incident and that is why we are now pumping three trillion euros into the Greek economy. You have to hand it to Angela, she is a true politician.”


HAPPENINGS As Seventh Billion Baby Born Soceity Forced to Confront The Difficult Question of Why Anyone Should Care.

When asked the average person claimed they felt it, "sort of mattered cause it was a round number?" and when pressed to expand stated "well, it's just sort of neat isn't it." The media, not content for the most part to go with the "sort of neat" angle, suggested that the birth of the seveth billionth baby was news worthy because it basically augered the apocolypse.

Above - the seven billionth baby - probably

The birth of the seveth billion baby has raised a lot of questions; the most well publicised being whether the child was born in India or the Phillipines, but with other equally compelling questions including... Who the hell is counting and how? What about all those babies born outside of hospital? Have we allowed for isolated tribes who aren't involving themselves in this mass counting process? Have we allowed for as yet undiscovered deaths that might skew these figures? and, perhaps most pointedly of all, Why does any of this matter? Is it actually news, I mean, when you get right down to it?

"SEVEN BILLIONTH BABY BORN - HOW LONG BEFORE YOU ARE CRUSHED BY THE SHEER VOLUME OF PEOPLE ON THE PLANET?/ WE ARE FORCED TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR RESOURCES?/ THE WEIGHT OF HUMANITY SINKS CONTINANTS?" - various red tops reported...probably. But deep down the majority understand that this is just as flawed a justification for the story as the "round numbers are neat" argument. This sort of scaremongering might have caused concern twenty years ago but most normal people now realise that when we do eventually overpopulate the earth our close promiximity to one another will aid the spread of a super-virus which will helpfully knock our numbers down to more acceptable levels, global warming will cancel out nuclear winter and we will all be laughing.

Separated at Birth?

David Cameron, Prime Minister of Great Britain, First Lord of the Treasury and Leader of the Conservative Party.

Children's Television Character Iggle Piggle - who, though speechless, has a bell in his left foot and a squeak in his middle for communicative purposes. 7


CULTURAL WANK Film - Like Literature but requiring much less effort. The Freezer Dir: Ron Livingston Cast: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman 3 stars

The latest Aniston/Bateman rom-com to be churned out of someone’s talented pitcher of a rectum sees the two on expectedly good form. Unfortunately their delivery can’t make up for the lacking script. We open on Paul (Bateman), a likeable, pragmatic medical-type who works the morgue by day and attends failed dates by night. Somehow, living women are put off by his amiable love of the deceased. After one particularly tragi-comic romantic disaster, he bumps – quite literally – into Melinda (Aniston), a doctor from upstairs who has haplessly manslaughtered a senior and needs to keep it in the titular ‘freezer’ until she can convince the family his death was natural. Thus, a tentative – and wacky - relationship ensues. Occasional actor Livingston makes an assured directorial debut here, imbuing his own script with some nice visual verve – check out a scene in which Melinda, clutching the old man, says ‘Put the freezer in the freezer!’ and throws the body, in virtuoso slow motion, into a waiting drawer. Livingston does a great job of aspiring towards a Redford-esque career swerve, and with a few more titles under his belt he may well get there.

Film News

towards a Redford-esque career swerve, and with a few more titles under his belt he may well get there. Where the film falls down, however, is the somewhat clunky dialogue and poor grasp of comedy setpieces, all courtesy of writer Scott R. Newman. Newman has scored the odd fluke hit in the past with the likes of Babysitter 101 and How Does She Come?, but The Freezer sits defiantly nestled in the rest of his pantheon – need I say more after namedropping Born 2 Skate and Funky Tortilla? The gags here come thick and fast, but with no real punchline save the odd crass poop action and a scene involving a vibrating ladder. No, forget it; the only reason to see this film – other than mindlessly wiling away two hours – is for the pleasure created by Aniston and Bateman’s ever-likeable personas, more comfortable than ever in their chemistry. The ending, surprisingly, is completely satisfactory and, dare I say it, a little moving. Other than that, this old fart’s DOA.

It was announced yesterday that George Clooney’s next project will be Being George Clooney. The sequel to 1999’s acclaimed Being John Malkovich, Clooney, ever-passionate, will be producing, directing, scoring, starring, and finally co-writing with BJM’s Charlie Kaufman. It is reported that the central roles will include Clooney, his fictional brother Chad (both the same actor) and – an as-yet uncast role – the “reimagined” character of Craig, the role made famous by John Cusack 12 years ago. The film is based on a short story by Clooney himself. Also, addressing recent allegations of militantly “taking over” Hollywood, Clooney supported the accused, Ryan Gosling, with the following statement: “Neither myself nor Ryan have seriously planned a coup d’etat, and neither of us have any plans for the foreseeable future to create our own ‘Evil Studio.’” 8


CULTURAL WANK Latest Releases,

Tyrannosaur, Dir. Paddy Considine Childhood classic needlessly (but Cast: Peter Mullan, Olivia Coleman cunningly) rendered in 3D, all 4 Stars due credit, (and money,) to the Disney corporation, Gritty Poverty-fest, Mindfuck, Remade Cold War Mindfuck, Deeply Disturbing and Murderous Cultural Commentary Sounds Like Tongue in Cheek Feminist Romp - Actually Deeply Disturbing and Murderous Cultural Commentary,

Ah, Tyrannosaur. The unparrelled experience of sitting in the cozy, dark cinema, chocolate at hand, and watching people be dicks to each other all over the shop. Quite literally. Olivia Colman as Hannah, with her strange lugubrious face, does a good job of staring, chin a-quiver, massive eyes brimming, like a confused and incontinent spaniel. She works in aforementioned shop, a Christian Charity type of outlet (which is as overbearingly grey as the rest of the cinematography,) until Peter Mullan as Joseph bursts into her shop and hides playfully behind a clothing rail. He has a forehead like a cutting board, and would probably not be as angry if he spent less time kicking dogs and more time moisturising. They form, if not a friendship, then a tenuous human connection, reinforced by extreme verbal abuse. It's how poor people connect. Of course, after a bit, it turns out that Hannah's husband is an abusive cock, and she spends her time nurturing a pathological martyr complex to deal with it all. Dark!

Deeply Disturbing Art House Dreadfulness,

Veiwed in terms of cinematic context it slots neatly into that grand tradition of grey washed-out films that are sort of about the British class system, sort of about humanity and sort of about trying to English Student’s Wet Dream engender suicide in an audience. Overall it's grim. It's so relentlessly (Director Probably Should grim that I was surprised that Timothy Spall didn't turn up, kill a Return To Comedy). kestrel, then choke on his own vomit. And indeed I did inwardly think for most Thriller Playing on Any Residual of the film Swine Flu Fears You May Still "This is grim, Have, Spall will be on with the corpse Film Exploring the Never Before of Kes any Touched Area of Racism in The moment now!" American South. But all this aside, I liked it! The Dangers OfTeenage I suggest if you Pregnancy Subtly Extolled are ever feeling Through the Medium of annoyingly Vampires. optimistic in regard to life, Gerard Butler Runs Around you see it in Africa Caring About Things. order to temper this. 9


CULTURAL WANK Simply The Jest - Their Thoughts and Musings. Every month a differing percentage of Simply the Jest, Exeter University’s 37th best comedy-sketch-troupe-with-sevenmembers-or-more, will sit down and try to be satirical. Most months we’ll fail. This is our first attempt and, as it will probably be remembered in the annals of history, the worst. But, like a phoenix,we hope to rise from the house fire that is this, our first journalistic experience. Although in this analogy our phoenix probably has a gammy leg. Or bird flu. Or third-degree burns. From the broad section that is culture we could have talked about absolutely anything: arts cuts, the business of comedy, even asking the ultimate topical question, ‘Who’s going to fix it now?’ However, we’ve instead decided to plump for that most obscure of topics, film. A year or so ago a few of us decided to take on the mammoth task of working our way through the top 100 films on the Internet Movie Database or, as it’s known to film twats, IMDB (other film listing websites are available although you’ve probably never heard of them). The list, which actually compiles 250 of the best flicks, has been composed based on the votes of hundreds of thousands of the most opinionated film watchers in the world but, what we would like to ask is what makes one film good and another one bad? For instance, based upon the views of Simply the Jest’s otherwise wise technician, the list is slightly skewed. Being a man of simple taste he much prefers the visual and cinematic aspects of a movie as oppose to its ‘lesser important counterparts’ such as plot, characterization and general entertainment value. This defines his conclusion, which he stands by resolutely, that Michael Bay’s Transformers: Dark of the Moon (6.5/10) is better than Alfred Hitchcock’s Vertigo (8.5 and 46th best film on the list). But does he have a point? Well a hundred thousand people with pie-eyes would say no. And thank god they did. But if we look at people voting with their wallets rather than their mice then we’d see that Vertigo made 290% of its original budget at the box office, whereas Transformers 3 made 575%, making it the fourth highest grossing film of all time. Also, there is something to be said about the application of the term ‘classic’, which is banded about around Hitchcock, giving all of his work a pretentious stigma and maybe encouraging the average IMDB voter to just click 10/10. It seems it’s difficult to say what’s good and what’s God-awful based upon rumour, the voting system or even generated box office revenue (thanks a lot Orange Wednesdays you bastards). And so, in conclusion, our year of attempting to watch the greatest films ever made has been a waste of time, we might have well have just bought the Transformers boxset, or instead, and probably moreentertainingly, died. 10


CULTURAL WANK Literature- Like film but for more withdrawn people (almost verbatim what The Real Edward says when

Jane Eyre - The Twlight ofYesteryear?

We all know that the Twilight series has revolutionised written expression! Nothing can compare! But two weeks ago I was introduced to an old-fashioned book, that I think is a sort of 19th century homage to Twilight. It is about a girl named Jane who, like our beloved Bella, has a shaky start in life. Jane’s parents are dead and she is forced to live with her spoiled and abusive relatives. I know what you’re thinking! That is just like Bella! Ok, so Bella’s mother isn’t dead she is “touring the world” with her Little League Baseball playing boyfriend, and the father that Bella is forced to live with isn’t so much abusive as protective, but it gets better. A brief period at the start of the novel is devoted, actually devoted, to Jane’s time at school! In the same way that we see Bella awkwardly struggling to fit in; being shocked that boys like her, getting shy and other relatable experiences, so we see Jane struggling to find her place; being ostracised, watching her best friend die of consumption - and other relatable experiences. That’s not all, the only descriptive information we get about Jane is that she is "mousy-haired" and "plain", just like the only descriptive information we get about Bella is that she is "brown-haired" and "average", Coincidence? But wait cause it is about to get so uncanny! There is a romantic male lead in “Jane Eyre” and he is literally called Edward! I almost died! Why doesn’t Meyer just sue, right? While he isn’t technically undead he is so super gothic and Byronic that he might as well be! At first he pretends to be indifferent to Jane just like The Real Edward or Edward 1 pretends to be indifferent to Bella. Only in this it's to disguise his deep, sincere love for her rather than his vampiric desire for her blood. As if this wasn't enough both Edwards hide dreadful secrets! We know Edward 1’s is that he is an undead ghoul but Edward 2’s is that he is a creepy bigamist! . Jane discovers the secret just like Bella and Edward 2 is like “I'm a monster! I don’t deserve your love.”

Bella finds out! ) Just as Bella and Edward 1 must seperate when his vampiric relatives try to attack Bella, so Jane and Edward 2 seperate when his secret attic wife try to attack Jane, Edward leaves Bella and goes to Italy breaking both their hearts and Jane leaves Edward 2 and goes to a feild with the same result.

When Bella had her heart broken who did she have to lean on? Jacob, everyones favourite AmericanIndian werewolf. Similarly when her heart is broken Jane finds a Jacob figure called St John (Sinjin) he isn’t a werewolf or an American-Indian but he does promise to take Jane to India (though not America-India). Eventually, though, she goes back to Edward 2 and they fall in love again, get married and have a baby. Sound familiar? Ok, so the baby doesn’t grow at a supernatural rate almost killing Jane and forcing Edward 2 to inject his venom into her and St John doesn’t turn up and decide that the baby is his soulmate, and everyone's a bit more burnt in this version. But other than that these are really undeniably similar books. The Twilight series does involve more intermittent vampire chasing and slaying than Jane Eyre, but Jane and Edward 2 do ultimately “slay” the “vampire” of “societal expectation” and that has to count for something. Also I have to admit Twilight is a bit more traditional in that Edward 1 is always rescuing Bella, whereas there is hardly a moment in Jane Eyre where Jane isn’t rescuing Edward 2, helping him up when he has fallen off horses, putting him out when he is on fire etc,this is strange because you would think the mid-Victorian homage to Twilight would be less liberal and feminist than the original.But it isn’t. Anyway, try it if you fancy something a bit Twilight-y to read in between your re-readings of Twilight, it’s not quite as good, but it’s not a bad homage!

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CULTURAL WANK TV and Radio -Too poor to afford real culture? Why not substitute the faux-culture ofTV and Radio? This Months Favourites.

Stephen Fry's Planet Word. As an English Student I would be lying if I said that hearing Stephen Fry talk passionately about the many and myriad pleasures of language didn't actively arouse me. Long may this continue! ***** Young Apprentice. Always enjoyable watching chilren try, fail miserably and then, overcome with greed and potential power, squabble and viciously turn against each other! Beautiful television! Like Lord of the Flies for the business world. **** Derren Brown - Experiments. Can't shake an extreme sense of paranoia while watching the Brown. Pretty positive that the final episode is going to reveal that we aren't watching a tv series at all and Derren was beaming the whole experience directly into our minds via flashing images inserted into the Channel 4 adbreaks. **** Frozen Planet Killer Whales are bastards, there is a type of fish called an Ice Fish which contains anti-freeze and David Attenborough is a complete lad who can withstand ridiculous temperatures even though he is older than time. Truly I feel educated! ***** Warhorses of Letters - Radio 4, Genuine Channel 4 Documentaries I for one have waited too long to hear a series of The Top 20 Best/Worst Names: dramatised letters between two gay horses. I can't believe Radio Four wasted years of my life with • A Long Weekend with the Son of God cringy afternoon plays and the hideous tundra that • Autism: The Musical is Quote Unquote and they are only just getting to • The Boy Whose Skin fell off the gay horses! The letters between Copenhagan • Keith Meets Keith Wellington's horse (voiced by Daniel Rigby) and • Albino United Marengo - Napoleon's horse (voiced by Stephen • Baby Bible Bashers Fry doing a French accent) are stunning • The Gangster and the Perverted Peer expressions of horse-based homosexual love. • Desperate Virgins Soaringly beautiful and tragi-comic. We need more • Don’t Make me Angry historical gay horse based programming in all areas • Gay to Z of the BBC! • Tony Blair: Rock Star ***** • Penis Envy • Octomom: Me and My 14 Kids • The Merits of Ferrets • A WI Lady’s Guide to Brothels • Revenge of the Bin Men • The Solitary Life of Cranes • How to Buy a Puppy • Take Away my Takeaway (Ed. Concerningly for Radio Four this is a real • Triple Nipple Club programme, though it is actually quite funny and moving. i-player it!) 12


CULTURAL WANK

Food Are you a self-proclaimed "Foody"? Then take a good hard look at yourself, you pretentious arse! The Vast Benefits of Emergency Food.

For me, this season it seems to be less about the Emergency Custard (although obviously I still have some, low fat Ambrose) and more about the Emergency Chocolate Éclair. I don’t know exactly how long it’s been in my jacket pocket, given the amount of oozing at the edges plus the level of stickiness of the pocket lining, I would estimate 3 to 4 months. Now that might not seem very appetising, but that’s partly the charm of the Emergency Chocolate Éclair, only in the deepest depths of despair would one lower oneself to eat it. I urge you all to acquire something of the Emergency food range: an Emergency Hobnob perhaps, or an Emergency Parsnip. The benefits are huge. Not only can you congratulate yourself at the end of each day for making it through without consuming: “What a terrible day, but at least I managed to keep my hand out my pocket,” but also even if you do succumb, your housemates can better understand your alarmingly complex emotions and thus tiptoe around you accordingly: “Are you OK?” “No! I ate my Emergency Chocolate Éclair!”

Things to do with those month-old dominos remnants.

Engineer your own antibiotics.

Fashionable Ga Ga-esque headwear.

Playmates!

Once, when a memory stick suffered a seizure the morning before a deadline, I took out my Emergency Feed to those Custard from the corner of the fridge with trembling hands: my nearest housemate gasped and dropped the who have wronged you. oven gloves. I didn’t have to say a word. I was immediately handed a cup of steaming tea, some soothing words, and offers for back massages, foot rubs and bath bombs, anything they could do for me in my fragile state. Not that we we’re asking for sympathy, you understand; sometimes it’s just simply delicious to cause a scene! So for the average self-obsessed, anxiety-ridden student out there, you now know what to do. You could even start to leave empty food wrappers ominously around the kitchen, to keep people on edge.

Cheap and effective doorstop.

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CULTURAL WANK Music- This month, as with all months, the only music worth listening to is hard core grime. 10 Songs often most “sung” in the student showers (in no particular order): •“Angels” – Robbie Williams

Alternative Album Titles

Racist Spice Girls: Spic World

•“Every Breath You Take” - The Police

One cockney lad's meteoric rise to lord of the gothic cows: Dark Sid of the Moo.

•“Bohemian Rhapsody”- Queen

The lament of the creator of a lego sex-machine (now lost): Goodbye Yellow Brick Rod.

•“It’s Raining Men”- The Weather Girls •“Forget You”- Cee Lo Green

The number one cause of maths-related lacerations: Jagged Little Pi.

•“I Fought the Law”- The Clash

James Bond fanfiction: The Woman In M.

•“She Loves You”- The Beatles

Ex-military wildlife enthusiast's group for isolated creatures: Sgt. Peppers Lonely Harts Club Band.

•“I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair" - South Pacific •“I Feel Good”- James Brown

Lothario's attempt to cajole his date into satisfying his very specific fetish: Baby, one more Tim.

End-of-running commentation on a colour-coded •A Compilation of the above because you don’t horserace: Purple Ran. know all the lyrics to any one song,or because “you are just THAT good” Atheist group of scribes make their rebuttal to the King James version: Non Bible. Kesha Lyrics Translated. "Imma talkin' about everybody getting crunk,crunk/ Boys tryin' to touch my junk,junk" - I'm convaying verbally the fact that all here are "crunk" or "crazy drunk" (repeat for emphasis) The men are getting handsy (repeat for emphasis) "Now the dudes are lining up because they hear we got swagger/ but we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger." - We attract many men via our confident deportment, though we only court the ones that are withered and aged. "It's time to kill the lights/and shut the DJ down/ tonight we're taking over/ no one is getting out." - The time has come! Plunge the club into darkness and incapacitate the DJ, we are performing a hostile coup, you will not escape. "We running this town just like a club/And no you don't want to mess with us/Got Jesus on my necklace-ace-ace" - We have remodelled all local public services, you will now find several hundred DJs where the library used to be, you would be wise not to address your complaints directly to us as we have Jesus on our side and jewellery-lery-lery. 14


ASSORTED MISCELLANY Types of housemate.

- Perminantly relaxed and/or stoned

Things we have been doing this month to avoid working - Making Lists, - Listing All the Lists, - Pacing, - Sims, Sims, Sims, Sims, Sims, - Seeing how many "likes" we can get on a facebook status and then trying to beat our own record. - Listing things we do in order to avoid work. - Reading and re-reading our lists, - Starting satirical papers.

- Perminantly tightly wound and angry with life

Fresher's Corner

- Neurotic and broken - Relentlessly chirpy (possibly also broken) - Ridiculously hard-working, rarely, if ever, out of their room - Ridiculously social, rarely, if ever, in the house

- Self absorbed and miserable - Sinsterly quiet and mysterious (see Pointless Novelty Quiz.)

Freshers pressures Brand spanking new. Emphasis on the spanking by week two. Less on the branded. Tesco Value Chocolate Digestives. Yum. Who knew? Demotivated, often urinated, Direction without focus, not slated, Living the ‘years of our life’, never sated. A tactical chunder is underrated. Expectation exceeded as green stems grow. Yes. Outside the norm I write at 1am, contentedly slow, Recollecting years of drama, but photographs show It’s only been three weeks. I blink. Whoa.

Banter banter. Here comes Santa. The girl last week was such a panter. Snow will fall, the sun will come, I gaze through white-tac’ed walls. Tabitha Finley-Smythe bitterly regrets having spent the It’s only just begun. last ten years hairspraying and blowdrying her mass of Why try and survive the student life, hair in to an almost tinder-like state when she carries When you can make it run. the Olymic flame during the Exeter leg of its journey. 15


ASSORTED MISCELLANY

Survival Guides for Unlikely Situations. So you're caught in the middle of a game of gay chicken. Although it serves well in every other aspect of life, it is imperative not to emulate Indiana Jones here. Running in the opposite direction from either approaching bouldery manface will result in collision with its obverse, and possibly ruin the start of a beautiful courtship. Instead, breathe deeply, assume the position, and state loudly and clearly "I will be the egg for your chickens!". And hell, if they're both attractive, the world might settle the question of which came first. So you've realised you're a character in a David Lynch film. Remain calm. Or remain clam. Either way, everyone else you encounter will either be screaming their own face inside-out, or will have attained a level of zen only previously known to plants, so there'll be a full emotional spectrum for you to place your good self on. If you're a woman it might be an idea to take all your clothes off, since it's a statistical certainty it'll happen sooner or later, and you might as well get a head start. Pay no attention to the rhinestone cowboy or the midget speaking backwards; they're here on a couples' retreat. So you've been transported back in time to an Elizabethan theatrical company. Everything you've learned from mid-nineties Stoppard comedies is true. Elizabethan theatre companies are hotbeds of conventionally attractive crossdressing noblewomen, and witty, well-groomed ac-tors with a miraculous grasp of dental hygiene. Stick a decent wobble in your voice, and you'll be crushed under a faux-bearded Romeo on a plywood coffinette in no time. (Let's face it, at under 21, even the rugby players will be toting skirt. So let's hope you know how to tie a corset. And don't get the plague.) 16


VACUOUS CHAT Auntie Rawlingson's Page ofAgony. Dear Auntie Rawlingson, I’m loving the university experience so far - getting drunk to that point where I lose basic control over my all bodily functions is everything I ever dreamed it would be and more. But I have one huge issue. I have been given a shared room. My roommate and I are slowly destroying each other. We just aren't an ideal match. He hasn’t said anything but it is mutually understood. Everyone else in my halls seems to have really bonded with their roommates, but it’s all I can do not to actually attack mine. He is always there! In my room! Breathing! I guess it's not really him, it's me, but still. I love everyone else in my halls, and the fact that it’s relatively cheap, I really don’t want to move out and start all over with making friends and settling in but I’m worried that if I have to wake up to his face every morning for a year I might actually die inside. Please help me Auntie Rawlingson! Yours, Distressed Fresher. Dear Distressed Fresher, I would recommend starting a silent battle of wills with your roommate. Try to make yourself as repellent a roommate as possible, take up an instrument you have no experience with, or natural aptitude for, throw-out your deodorant, let things moulder on your desk for long periods of time, take a lover with strange sexual predilections. You will find that the roommate - if they do not leave immediately - will "up their game" becoming accordingly repellent and so it will continue until one of you breaks. Here's hoping it's them. It's entirely possible that neither of you will break and you will see out your time as roommates each passively aggressively trying to piss the other one off. If this happens look on it as a source of amusement, turn it into a blog entry or a fake Agony Aunt letter for a satirical paper. And besides, you are a fresher. Why are you even spending any time in your room? Yours, Auntie Rawlingson.

Overheard In and Around the Vicinity. Halls "Have you been in the library yet, everyone is so scholarly in there, it's not a very sociable atmosphere." English Seminar "Keat's doesn't seem to have liked women much at all really...I have a quote about that somewhere, ah yes here, "THEY ARE TRASH TO ME!"" Highstreet "Waitrose, Waitrose is here! I'm weeping middle-class tears of joy!" Long Lounge "I thought maybe I was a-sexual for about a month but looking back I think I was just hanging around with very unattractive people." Library after ten dramaric minutes of frantically trying to make a call "OH THANK GOD I REACHED YOU!...I...need you to put my chicken in the oven." 17


VACUOUS C HAT Is your sex life too gratuitous, disturbing or just generally dire to form the lighthearted sex Me: like a whole… two? Is that a fair number? Yes, columns that are such a staple of regular student two is a safe average of the number of ladies I have magazines? Why not put your pain and deviancy danced the… erm… sex salsa with? to good use by allowing others to laugh at it? 3rd Year: … right

Slutting It

So, I was a virgin when I came to University. I wasn’t embarrassed about it or insecure. I’d certainly done my fair share of “stuff” with “girls” and understood the basic mechanics of making a mucky meat sandwich… with my penis. But my plans of shedding my V-hood in my first year didn’t quite go to plan: • First term: made out with a random girl in the Vaults (despite plenty of male attention) and got a total of zero attention at the Safer Sex Ball. • Second term: one month-long relationship with a crazy girl, which didn’t go well, in that it didn't result in any sex.

Somehow, possibly by mixing red, white and rosé in her stomach, I convinced her to come back to my tiny Lafrowda flat. Thankfully, I was too drunk to remember the walk home. I mean, what do you actually talk about when walking home with a potential sex partner: “so… are you looking forward to all the sex we’re about to potentially have?”

Cut to my room, both starkers, going at it. I’d watched enough porn to understand that I only needed to keep thrusting and that noises were a good sign. However, I’d watched too much porn to know what normal sex habits were: biting is okay, but trying to bite off a nipple is generally unacceptable? I was sane enough not to listen when she said “choke me” (I’m now pretty sure what she And that was it (ignoring the attempted mouth rape actually said was the much more pedestrian “F* of a girl during freshers' week, which cost me a lot me”), but there was a brief moment where, eager to of friends). All my hopes rested on third term. please, I debated the merits of it and my fingers brushed sinisterly around her neck.Truly, a creepy The term started on a high: making out with a dick. feminist in Timepiece which put an end to Crazy Girl. Few weeks later there was a gathering at Anyway, after flopping on top of her like a dying Firehouse, where there was a 3rd year who I was fish, my moment of Nirvana was approaching and led to believe was “of easy virtue.” Looking back it seemed like a sensible idea to be honest with her, on my past self, I realize I was a creepy dick. so at the moment of climax I screamed, “I’M A VIRGIN” into her face. She took this news quite Anyway, me and 3rd year got to talking, as I started well, all things considered, even complimenting awkward conversation after awkward conversation, my performance: “yeah that was pretty good for a having set myself the challenge of trying to be first time.” but she then decided to leave as soon as (what I thought was) a normal human being by she could, despite my offers of tea and a commited bedding a 3rd year. About three bottles of wine relationship. later, there were lots of mixed signals and plenty of lies: Waking up in the morning, naked and pretty pleased with myself, I wasn’t too bothered when I Me: Yeah, I’ve slept with, erm , women… checked my phone and 3rd year asked me to kindly not tell anyone about last night. Mission: 3rd Year: oh yes? How many? accomplished. 18


VACUOUS C HAT Pointless Novelty Quiz!

- This Month - Prostitute or Psychopath?

Everyone knows that flatmate. Maybe it's not your flatmate, but your friend's. Either way, they're not unlikeable, per se, they are just withdrawn and strange and you can't quite figure them out. Nobody's really sure how they even came to live in the house. Perhaps they never leave their room. Perhaps they are always out, and return to their room only under mysterious circumstances. There is only one answer to this. -They are either a prostitute or a psychopath. Take the follow quiz, to see if your flatmate is burying bodies, or having bodies buried in them. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.

If they bring home strange, slightly unwashed men/women/animals, Do they a) proceed to wank them off on the sofa, b) dismember them, c) first one then the other. When you voice grievances with them re: washing up, do they a) grab you by the crotch and/or breasts and suggest that if you do the washing up for them, they might wank you off on the sofa, b) mutter something about the end times and walk away, glowering, c) immediately do the washing up whilst staring at the wall with a wordless but steely resolve. Their choice of reading is: a) Moll Flanders, whilst having a wank on the sofa, or b) Watership Down, whilst having a wank on the sofa. Do they take their tea with a) milk, b) sugar, c) both, d) none. Their reaction to Twilight is a) they resolve to buy sparkly makeup to extend their appeal to a wider pubescent clientele, b) they love it. When do they sleep? a) I don't know, but they're certainly in their room a lot, b) sleep is but a distraction from their true cause, c) if they slept, they wouldn't very well be able to watch you sleep, now would they? Their worst habit is a) wanking people off on the sofa, b) emotional and mental manipulation, c) not doing the washing up d) doing too much washing up. When they find a flatmate crying on the sofa, they: a) offer them a conciliatory wank, b) bottle their tears. Their drink of choice is: a) used to wash down antibiotics for varied infections, b) animal blood from unknown source. Their fancy dress outfit of choice is a) a nun, as they 'fancied a change', b) gimp mask, c) a finely tailored three-piece suit made of human skin. 1. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps c) +1 pr, +1 ps 2. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps c) +1 ps 3. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps 4. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps c) +1 pr, +1 ps d) +3 ps 5. a) +1 pr b) +3 ps 6. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps c) +1 ps 7. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps c) +1 pr d) +1 ps 8. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps 9. a) +1 pr b) +1 ps 10. a) +1 pr b) +1 pr, +1 ps c) +2 ps Mostly prostitute points: Oh dear. Consider a new career path as a pimp? Mostly psychopath points: Oh dear. Find enemies upon whom to inflict them? Both: Run. 19


SPORT

Headline That in Some Way Make Sport Funny or Interesting. Sport almost definitely occured this month.

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Exposed  

Student Satire and Humour Magazine

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