Mapril, Issue 5/6, www.facebook.com/groups/exetersatire, Twitter @exposedsatire.
Russell Group Admission To Transform University (Probably). This month saw our ViceChancellor presented with a length of gold-edged, rare Byzantine silk, upon which was embossed in silver an invitation for him and his University to the join the ever prestigious Russell Group (hallowed be its educationally pre-eminent name). He graciously accepted, as all right-thinking people would, and Exeter's membership of the group will "take effect" in August of this year. When questioned on the accolade
the Vice-Chancellor had this to say: "Until August the university and its students can simply bask in the wonderful prestige, but after August, once membership "takes" its full and allencompassing "effect" I think we can all expect a very concrete change. Not just in the way the university is viewed but in its actual character." When asked exactly what this would entailed he continued "Well, you know, on the 30th of
July we will be much as are now, a Plate Glass university filled with stupid, feckless students, all of them stumbling around, accidently walking into the glass architecture, and hitting themselves repeatedly in the heads with books in a futile attempt to absorb knowledge. But, at midnight, with the coming ofAugust and our admission we will be transformed into a Russell Group University, where students will swan languidly around our now existant quads, discussing Baudelaire, with expensive cigerettes dangling rakishly from their mouths." When asked if this vision was not a trifle hopeful/insulting, the Chancellor replied "No. Russell Group admission means we have made it as a university." When we tried to explain that membership was actually a pretty hollow accolade, with the group containing both Oxford, and, conversely, Cardiff, and that we were a reasonable but by no means phenomenal university and would remain so, Russell Group or no Russell Group, the ViceChancellor "shushed" us, and stared wistfully into the middle distance. "We've finally made it." he whispered contentedly.
HAPPENINGS A Word From the Editor. Welcome one and all to the Mapril edition. We waited until the very end of the month to release it - not because of our lack of organisation - but because there will be no proper April edition (those degrees we do keep getting in the way.) What follows, then, is designed to tide you over until May, when we will be back, mid-month as per usual.
Pg 3 - 5 Local Happenings Pg 6 - 9 National Happenings
CULTURAL WANK Pg.10 - Film
This Mapril you can enjoy an enlightening but disturbing glance into the mind of Nick Clegg; a double page spread on some lesser known features of campus and university life which found their way into J.K Rowling's Harry Potter series; a reasonable, accurate budget analysis from Simply The Jest; and an extended list of our library's most ridiculous and useless books. (Still nothing by David Sedaris in there - but two whole copies of "Squids Will Be Squids", truly Exeter you are a Russell Group University!)
Pg 15 - 16 - Miscellanious Lists and Cartoons.
As usual, please take nothing seriously, everything is penned with tongue firmly in cheek, and you would look quite the fool, Philip Hensher, if you failed to take it in the spirit in which it is intended.
Pg 17 - Auntie Rawlingson's Page ofAgony,
As always we remain unaffiliated with the student guild or with Exeter University, or indeed any university. If you too would like to sever all ties with the institution send your submissions to ExposedSatire@Gmail.com. Enjoy!
Pg 11 - Simply The Jest Do Some Politics. Pg 12 - TV and Radio Pg 13 - Literature Pg. 14 - Music
Pg 18 - Slutting It! Pg 19 - Pointless Novelty Quiz, Pg 20 - All The Latest From The World of Sport
wrought with dissertation pain, Edward went mental and killed everyone inside the library."
Ps. Our cartoonist wishes to point out that her original (editorially rejected) caption for the cartoon on page 16 was "Ten minutes later,
The only way I could get her to agree to change it was by mentioning that here (at great cost to the layout of the page...).
HAPPENINGS Exposed Remains Professionally Aloof and a Bastion of Superior "Screw Your Degree, The Journalistic Practise as The Drop and Exepose Fight Savage Queen is Coming!" Cries Media War. Entire University Faculty.
Having been inconvienced by the Forum project for the duration of their time at Exeter, 3rd years wishing to research, write and print their dissertations are set to be sorely disappointed next month when the entire campus will be closed on Above - the two offending parties vying for your readership and esteem, the week of the final This month has seen journalistic chaos as trusted university stalwart deadline because the bloody "Exepose" and edgy new tabloid "The Drop" duked it out in what was either Queen is coming to open a defense of proper journalistic standards or a semi-communistic uprising some buildings. against the twin demons of pretention and thourough editing, depending on "This is less a joke and which of the publications you sided with. more an embittered statement of fact" warns But perhaps what is more telling is the publications that were not involved. everyone on Exposed team. (Ed. No, really - you may The much-noted absense of Exposed in this altercation, or "Media War", if wish to look into this.) you will, is testament to our professionalism as a news source. This paper has remained balanced and aloof throughout, in spite of the public cries of University Spokesperson Confirms That New "But what does Exposed think of either of these papers?" and "I can't believe Exepose are squaring up against The Drop when clearly Exposed is Banners on Cardiac Hill the pioneering new student run paper that is changing the way we receive Reading "Inspiration" "Energy" and "Creativity" our University news!" Were Placed Their As A Indeed, we steadfastly refused to weigh in with our opinions even when both Cruel Reminder To Students parties approached us asking us to smear the reputation of the other with OfAll They Have Lost. "No, it's not part of the satirical articles and witty epigrams on their respective hack-ish-ness/ entrenched elitism. We were aware that our tremendous influence over the whole Forum thing. We just university's media scene would likely destroy which ever publication we love razzing the students!" said spokesman cheerily took on. "And how better to do it At the end of the day the decision to remain distanced from the fray was than with a series of ironic banners placed half way up simply a matter of innate journalistic superiority. We are not threatened a massive hill. It's so easy either by the might of the university's official paper, or the charming and fun." edginess of their competitors, and feel no need to engage with the ugly, mudslinging side of student journalism. Indeed we frown puritanically down Third Years, Having Run at our media 'equals' from our elevated and moral highground. We are secure Out of People to Blame for in the knowledge that for most, if not all students, we - with our top notch Their Lack of Dissertation proof-reading, staggeringly professional layout and open and embracing Progress, Are Forced To submissions policy - are their first port of call when it comes to student Turn To Abstract Concepts. news. "Nice weather" and "Easter" are favourites, "own fecklessness" is not. 3
HAPPENINGS Behind The Magic; Seven Genuine Campus.
Sources From The Heart of
So the what if the university ofAuden, Byron and Eliot turned you down like a bedspread? You are attending the university of Rowling, which is just as good - probably better, really, and every student knows that the magic which sparked the stories off is still all around us. We have all heard the more widely circulated and not at all suspect claims - Gandy Street is Diagon Alley, Firehouse is The Leaky Cauldron, someone somewhere in the classics department is Gilderoy Lockhart and so on. But now, Exposed is privileged to be able to reveal some of the lesser known but equally substantiated sources of JK's inspiration... The Fifth Toilet From the Right in Devonshire House is ... Moaning Myrtle's Toilet! "Oh it was dreadful, it happened right here, in this very cubicle" In the summer of 1984, during her first year at the university, the young Rowling experienced considerable consternation when a malfuctioning cistern caused a jet of water to leap from the toilet (pictured left) spraying her head to toe with lavatory water - and, it turned out - with inspiration! Rather than thinking, "perhaps I should alert a plumber," Rowling's immediate thoughts were "Oh wow! That happened because a ghost must live in this toilet!" - such is the creative mind. And thus - a legend was born. Writer and Lecturer Philip Hensher is ... Dobby! "Master has given Philip Hensher a sock!" One of the more apparent sources - this hardly needs to be expanded upon. Hensher's self-effacing, diffident outlook on life, his intense guilt at the thought of saying or doing things that may offend students, and his shy, endearing and unlitigative demenor, were all purportedly drawn upon by J.K when penning the lovable elf. This Weird Stone Thing is .... Harry Potter's Throbbing Libedo! "Oh to be young, and feel 'love's keen sting."
In December of 1986 Rowling spent days gazing at this strange semiFreudian lump desperately trying to work out what the hell it was and why anyone had put it on campus. On day five, thinking abstractly, she decided it was probably a stoney representation of a teenage boy's libido and altered the Harry character accordingly. It is rumoured that it also inspired Phinneus Walnutwhip, a wizard with a passion for walnuts and whips, who was later written out of the books.
HAPPENINGS Ready Text is ... The Restricted Section! "The books here can maim and even (financially) kill you, Harry." Again, one of those inspirational sources that most people will accept as almost indisputable. The link between a special section of books that can melt your face/end your life and a special section of books which, if returned even an hour late can levy charges of over ÂŁ100, melting your bank balance and making you wish you could end your life, being really too obvious. It is a small creative leap between curses and late fees - from fiscal death to actual death. The Wilted Plant Life in the Corner of the Long Lounge is ... The Whomping Willow! "It attacks anyone or anything that comes within range of its branches." The legend goes that one day while J.K was tucking into the Long Lounge's two person Meat Platter a bumbling and faintly rustic waitress accidently knocked the three foot high, yellowed pot plant on to her. "Ooh my lovar, I gave you quite a whomp there, diden I!" the waitress exclaimed, little knowing how she, and Exeter, had changed the course of literary history. (Now Demolished) Murray House was ... The Shrieking Shack. "They say it's filled with the shrieks of ghosts." Next to Rowling's original accomadation, Murray House was not in fact full of shrieking ghosts but full shrieking international students! Sadly in 2010 when investigations revealed that it was also full of (shrieking) asbestos it was demolished. Ironically the Lafrowda blocks that now stand in its place look infinitely more unsettling and haunted than the original house ever did. The Random Triangle of Water Outside Peter Chalk is ... The Great Lake! "Storm-tossed, fathoms deep..." Back when Rowling studied at Exeter, this purposeless body of water was renowned for housing numerous drunken students, who decided at four am that a swim was just what they needed, and then passed out. Their malevolent, groping hands, and tuneless drunken wailing - that to others sounded horrendous but to them sounded beautiful - inspired the giant squid and merpeople respectively. 5
This month Nick Clegg talks to you from September of last year about education reform and we give you an insight into his speech-making mind. Today is the first Monday back for teachers and Today is a day where little work is done at school as pupils up and down the country. A day always everyone is hit by renewed pessimism of an entire year ahead. The average pupil intends to do the bare marked by renewed optimism. Pupils plan to minimum in order to lead a quiet life, the rest of us work harder. Teachers come back refreshed. And all parents - I know this myself - have the weren’t very popular at school. Some would say best intentions for the months ahead: Whether teacher’s pet. Or nerds. But look at me now! I'm that means making sure you're there for sports ruining your lives one bad decision at a time! I’m day and the class play. Or finding that bit of time training up my children to continue my legacy! Watch out, and fear the name CLEGG. at the end of the day to help with homework. Just doing whatever you can to give your This year, there’s a feeling of optimism in the children some extra support. Conservative party because they know I am taking the brunt of abuse for the unpopular This year, there's a feeling of optimism in Government too. The Coalition has made some policies. We’ve made big changes, the biggest to big changes to our education system. To improve Universities, but if I have any shred of hope for the the quality, choice and opportunities available to next election I shall not voluntarily bring it up. I’m looking forward apprehensively to see families. And we're looking forward to seeing just how much of a negative impact this has. those take root.
The problem with new-term-enthusiasm, however, is: it doesn't always last. It isn't shared by everyone. And, as a society, we tend to let it fade too quickly.
The problem with new-term enthusiam is that it is a concept that exists only in the minds of recently graduated teachers and naive politicians. It isn’t shared by anyone, fact.
Sometimes you hear commentators slamming school standards as if teachers are lazy and feckless just because some schools are failing. Condemning children and young people in the country just because some of them have gone off the rails. Yes, our country has problems but they will not be solved by denigrating our teachers and our schools. There were young people on the streets rioting last month. But there were young people on the streets cleaning up the next day, too. And we cannot let our anxieties about some parts of our society undermine the hopes and dreams of a generation.
Damn, I was really hoping they wouldn’t notice that some schools are failing. Plough on! This next bit is about youth, but secretly I’m hoping you will take this lesson and apply it elsewhere- namely do not blame the Liberal Democrats for my shortcomings, they were as surprised as I was by my weasely back tracking. But anyway we cannot let our anxieties about my governmental blundering further undermine a generation. Most young people have had their hopes and dreams smashed by University funding policies, we should not heap on any more crap.
So we need fundamental reform to break the traditional patterns of winners and losers in our schools. First, that means a decent start for every child. Closing the educational gap between disadvantaged children and their better-off classmates.
A decent start for every child! - Oh god! How? Don't worry Clegg, just keep talking, they love it when you return to your humanitarian and socially concerned routes, just keep talking and when the speech is over David will stroke your hair again, and all will be well...
HAPPENINGS That's why, for example, the Government has extended the free nursery care three and four year olds currently receive from 12.5 hours to 15. And is going even further, making this vital early education available free to every disadvantaged two year old as well. The Coalition isn't going to prescribe to schools how they spend the money...
An extra 2.5 hours- A day? A week? A month? Who knows, David probably does, I really don't. It's probably an extra 2.5 a year, but that wouldn’t sound impressive so I'll just omit any real details. We are giving free stuff to two year olds! No older than two though! Coincidentally I have a three year old, but his education is always free because I claim it as an expense.
And though schools will be free to spend the The Coalition isn’t going to prescribe how schools money as they think best - Experimenting with spend their money. If we did this and the school new ways to support those who need help failed, it would be entirely our fault. This way the Schools will have to publish information about schools take the blame. what the pupil premium money was spent on. I’m already setting up how I intend to blame any That transparency is vital for parents to be able to failings on the schools here… hold schools to account. Discipline matters, too. Everyone knows you can't teach in a disrupted classroom. And teachers need the authority to be able to deal with bad behaviour. Which is why this government is strengthening their hand, and being stricter about school rules and teachers' power to enforce them.
Bring back the cane! I’m sorry for that outburst, these latent right-wing tendencies I have are breaking through more and more these days.
I said the benefit for free schools admitting And, to anyone who is worried that by poorer children is financial; they get more expanding the mix of providers in our education funding for premium pupils. Some rightly, are system we are inching towards inserting the concerned this will create a profit motive in profit motive into our school system, again, let school…just let me say, ‘no to running schools me reassure you: yes to greater diversity; yes for profit’…just no, there, that’s settled it. to more choice for parents; But no to running schools for profit, not in our state-funded education sector. Even though, as we established, it was So, to sum up. On a day where everyone is controversial idea to start with I am going to finish determined to make the best of the new school with the idea that ‘everyone’ is determined to make year. Let's set our sights even higher. No more the best of the new school year.’ No more accepting the status quo. No more shrugging our shrugging our shoulders *demonstrates the stately shoulders. A society where we celebrate the shoulder shrug*. Yeah. Nailed it Clegg. Nailed it. work our teachers do for our children. But where I spent a long time defending teachers in this we all play our part in teaching them, too. With speech, but let me undermine all this by finishing the right opportunities, every child can do well. with the only specific point of improvement listed With better teachers and more freedom, every as ‘better teachers’ and the suspiciously vague school can do better. sounding "freedom". Thank you.
Thank you. 7
HAPPENINGS Deluded Coldplay Blame Patronising Warning From the Department of Health Sheds New Poor iTunes Sales on New Light on Osbourne Budget. Album's "Confusingly Spelled" Title Rather than Just Admitting That They Are A Bit Shit. "It's time they came to terms with it. These excuses are getting more and more desperate" say listening public. With Widespread Social Discontent, the Falklands Under Renewed Dispute, and Repellent Sexual Tension Between Bristish PM and US After our recent outbreak of sunshine, the Department of Health felt it President the Nation fears it pertinent to remind us all that being outside while it is sunny is generally has Been Catapulted Back a Good Thing. Other government-endorsed Good Things include eating 5 portions of into the 80s. fruit and vegetables a day, looking both ways before crossing the road, "I knew this horrible day would come again!" says a not playing with sharp, hot, ouchy things, and millionaires. bitter Arthur Scargill. According to the statement issued by Lansley sunshine provides us with Church of England Scour Country for a Rowan Williams vital Vitamin D (the magical one that isn’t Vitamin C), has a marked effect on sales within the lollipop industry, and even increases the Replacement Who Can Be "Equally Backwards, Beardy likelihood of double rainbows. The document also reminds us that sunburn, or rather, ‘hot, ouchy redness’, is categorically a Bad Thing, and Homophobic" "We see the Home Counties (much like phone-hacking, free healthcare, and poor people) and that between June and August, you only need about 15 minutes of very much as our main catchment area." says religious unadulterated, joyful, unprotected warmth in order to get your fill. spokesman. Coillition Reveals That Plans However, in light of the recent budget, this reporter has noticed an To Privatise The Police Force alarmingly tangible correlation between this sudden emphasis on Were Inspired By "That Fry sunshine, the introduction of a minimum price on alcohol, and a higher tax rate on warm foodstuffs. Which, when taken together, point to one and Laurie Sketch Where thing - the great British beer garden. This real-life manifestation of these They Privatise The Police seemingly unconnected changes brings about that most pertinent of Force." questions: If the bar is deserted, and a hearty pint of Guinness exceeds "Not only this," stated Cameron, "but all government ambient temperature, does its drinker make a disgruntled sound at initiatives from here on in will having to pay extra to consume it? Well quite. Cunning Lansley and be based on 1980s Oxbridge Osbourne. comedy." The PM was firm in his insistence that he intended Scurrilous rumours that the coalition government plan to bring sunshine for this to happen and that his under a pay-as-you-go metred scheme have yet to be confirmed or even policies had not become so suggested by anyone of any importance, but this reporter believes that if palpably ridiculous that they the arguably underwhelming and not entirely factually accurate evidence were "the stuff of parody". is anything to go by, then it’s only a matter of time. 8
HAPPENINGS Starbucks To Ask For Detailed List of Individual customer even further by looking into his soul Hopes and Dreams Before Customers Can Place and then writing what we find there on the side of Their Orders. a cardboard cup? It just gives each person a more tailored coffee drinking experience." "A typical cup would now read "Katherine's Cappuncino. Katherine wants to move out of the city and travel. Katherine unreasonably fears commitment and nuclear holocaust. It is just a charming personal touch. Just to show that Starbucks cares about who you are, you know, on an essential level." When asked if any wise-cracking customers had Having already implemented their much-publicised mocked the new system in trial runs Eastlake first-names policy, Starbucks announced plans this replied: week to further increase its "new, friendly demeanour" by asking for a quick precis of each "Well you always get some people who give their customer's hopes, dreams, aims for life, and name as "Jack Koff" or "Mike Hock" and we did psychological hang-ups, before serving them. get a few jokers who claimed to have "an unreasonable fear of massive faceless companies This detailed yet concise psychological profile will pretending to know them" or who aspired to "one then be jotted on the side of your cup along with day be served coffee in polite and uninterested your name allowing you to more easily identify silence, while maintaining a fitting and proper your drink when it is placed on the sidetable. social barrier between themselves and the barrista." but those people are just clowning." "It's an extention of the original initiative really," explained branch manager Charles Eastlake. "The The new system will be implemented across British public were so co-operative and responsive Britain in July. with the whole 'names thing' that the company as a whole just thought, well, why not encroach on the Separated at Birth?
A Doubled Image of the Disturbed and Disturbing Henry Spencer from David Lynch's Surrealist Horror "Eraserhead".
Happy-Go-Lucky Musical Sensation Jedward. 9
CULTURAL WANK Film
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Dir: John Madden, Cast: Judy Dench, Bill Nighy, Maggie Smith. Two Stars.
Historical Equine Drama, Minus the Stagecraft of the Original Play, but More Than Making up for it in Mawkish With an ensemble cast of some of Britain’s finest thespians, The Best and Heavy-handed Emotional Exotic Marigold Hotel is like a cappuccino; mostly froth with a surprisingly bitter aftertaste. There’s a fair amount of postcolonial white Manipulation. guilt to be enjoyed in this movie. One character, Graham, has a particularly large amount of angst over getting an Indian man shamed Historical Supernatural Drama, Lacking the Stagecraft publically during his childhood. Even Judi Dench advising phone of the Original Play but More operators on how to talk to British people seems imperialistic. Arts students can attend and get a kick every time they identify something out than Making up for it in of Edward Said. Everyone else can enjoy the pretty colours and feel good Unadulterated Terror. vibe. Poorly Scripted and Acted Except the last one is actually pretty thin on the ground because Marigold Disney Flop. Hotel is at heart a very depressing movie. It’s about being old and feeling useless, and every character has some kind of major dysfunction. There’s Poorly Scripted and Acted the Widow, the Unhappy Couple, the Closeted Homosexual, the GoldDisney Flop in 3D. digger, the Lecherous Playboy, and the Flaming Racist. It may be Two Hours of Predictablity because I’m very suspicious about racists in film suddenly having an Funded by the Indian Tourist epiphany and becoming all ebony and ivory, but Marigold Hotel doesn’t tackle the issue in a convincing way. Maggie Smith, playing against type, Board. is a bigoted old lady needing a hip replacement. She comes out with Some StuffThat Happened some of the funniest lines in the film, which are coincidentally the most with Plymouth Zoo a While offensive. Do we laugh ironically? I hope so. But her epiphany is brought about through her exposure to the Dalit under caste of Indian society. It’s Back, Only Set in America Because Plymouth is a Dive. an appropriate analogy but giving them a packet of Hobnobs is not a suitable apology for centuries of institutionalized class segregation. It's Harry Potter, or Twlight, or More interesting is the depiction of homosexuality in India, an issue barely touched on in western media. And surprisingly, no one bats an Something, Only Slightly eyelid at the revelation of one of the characters outing themselves. It Different. becomes a non-issue,which makes the glaring amounts of cultural racism all the worse. Oh yeah, and there’s some subplot about Dev Patel trying Predictable Sounding to marry his beloved, and his mother being all about the arranged Historical Drama Starring marriage. Apparently. Famous Vampire. Unpredictable Vampire Drama India is magical, we get it. We’ve seen a lot of films where jaded, burnt Starring Famous Historical out foreigners get let off the leash, go to another land, and life suddenly starts going right. India is pretty common one, but why stop there? Why Figure. not Zimbabwe or Burma? Now that would be interesting AND original. 10
CULTURAL WANK Simply The Jest - Their Thoughts and Musings. Simply the Jest (Exeter University’s 41st best comedysketch-troupe-with-seven-or-more-members) have realised that in the past our material has become increasingly lowbrow, to the point where we considered doing a review of the Tulisa sex tape in light of contemporary post-structuralist theory. However, 30 seconds into deconstructing Tulisa’s pixelated areolas, we thought maybe it was time to wipe down the screen and delve into George Osborne instead. Unfortunately Mr Osborne’s sex tape was over as quickly as Above - Osborne looking relaxed and his promise to cut child benefits for well-off families (and approachable before Wednesday's budget. if you don’t get that reference then you’re probably too poor to care). So, as compensation, we will focus on the equally erotic 2012 budget, which has included some surprising announcements that you may not have read about in the many long, laborious articles published by The Telegraph. Osborne has promised to reward work, particularly in those underpaid sectors such as banking, accountancy and stockbroking. Furthermore, he’s pledged to cut bonuses in the city, starting by cutting the bonuses of all those employed at the Covent Garden branch ofToymaster to one block of Lego at Christmas, coinciding with the reduction of their holiday time to a five-minute cry in the stockroom every four weeks. Osborne proceeded to hammer home the work rewards by rewarding those high earners with a 1p top tax rate for income above £150,000, affording this by levying an opposing tax rate of 90p for the first £6000 earned per annum. They also pledged to cut all funding for growth, and anything else for that matter, in Huddersfield, Kidderminster and Hull and would subsequently refer to these places as ‘Post-Apocalyptic Dead Ground’, with all residents being hereby known as ‘walkers’. The money that this would save would be used to open soup kitchens in Windsor, Amersham and Chesham for those residents whose cooks were taking their annual Michaelmas leave. Locals welcomed the news that the soup kitchens would be serving Spiced Pepper and Sweet Pear Chowder. The Chancellor had further announcements for cutting unemployment, declaring that those long-term unemployed would be provided with compulsory job opportunities in specially built ‘camps’, where they would earn their food, but not their freedom, by breaking rocks. Ed Miliband responded to the budget with the following statement, ‘Get the tea on, Gromit.’ All of the opinions above belong to the Government and Mark Rylance and should not be attributed to Simply the Jest in any way. Simply the Jest have many more extreme, far-right opinions and think the Government will not have gone far enough until every slack-jawed pauper is being fed into an incinerator in order to generate enough power charge our robotic polo ponies. Until then you’ll just have to come along and watch us act out our fantasies at The BikeShed Theatre on the 9th and 30th of May. Bring Gasoline. 11
CULTURAL WANK TV and Radio “My Phone Sex Secrets” Channel 4 ** Channel 4 have stunned audiences once again with the intellectual hour-long programme “My Phone Sex Secrets.” You may think this is another freakstaring type of show in which the prime time audience are given permission to be amazed at the strange and exotic lifestyles of the phone sex workers, and equally disgusted with the pathetic and hollow lives of the phone sex callers, but you would be gravely mistaken. In fact the phone sex workers are revealed as basically normal, well-adjusted and unremarkable people, in many cases pillars of our community - one Arts student, that in the end, gives up the degree her sex money has been going toward to start a completely sound photography business, that in no way was a manic, off-the-wall idea; one sensible first-year Maths student that soon realised she could take calls in seminars as long as she tailored her answers accordingly: “we can integrate better if we rearrange our parts”; a middle-aged woman living on her own, but frequently asking the ‘girls’ round for a series of increasingly uncomfortable, socially strained dinner parties; and a vegan, yoga-loving woman who enjoyed having a “dirty, little secret” and looked as if she was entirely comprised of Quorn. Normal people one and all! Similarly the phone sex callers are revealed as perfectly normal men, just your average Joes looking for some human contact, that this contact comes in form of a stranger telling them to “spank their botty,” “bark like a puppy-dog” or that they’ve been very naughty because they’ve “soiled their nappy”, is neither here nor there. No. The Channel 4 producers have been very conscious while making this programme. And what comes out of it is a balanced, sensitive enquiry into sexual relations and the human spirit, that in no way implies that all women probably ought to go into the sex call industry as it is tremendously lucrative and ripping fun. This Month on TV and Radio. Titanic - ITV - Cultural relic and prolific ITV dramatist Julian Fellowes simply casts Downton Abbey out into the mid-Atlantic for a few episodes and watches the viewing figures role in. You would think people would see through this. You would be wrong. ** The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy - BBC 1 - This film is entirely dreadful but we are pretty sure we spotted a certain unnamed Exposed contributor and shining light of Simply the Jest making a brief apparence in it. He knows who he is. Also he was about the only decent thing in the whole picture. This is not flattery. It's a bad film. Minus *** Just A Minute - Radio 4 - Radio 4 in their wisdom have flown Nicholas Parsons to Mumbai so that he can patronise his "many listeners around the world" more directly. The result is a thing of beauty! ***** 12
CULTURAL WANK Literature
World's Most Tedious Sounding Erotic Book Tops New York Times Genuine Titles From Exeter Main Best Seller List. Library Continued... Erotic adventure “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L James topped the New York Times best sellers list this month, causing many critics to remark on it’s “sultry” style and the "taboo" nature of its plot, which is bizarre because clearly the most remarkable thing about James' novel is that, regardless of the actual story, it's title makes it sound unremmitingly tedious. Which you would think would be a bar to mainstream commercial success.
Why I Hate Women.
To my mind “Fifty Shades of Grey” is not an erotic novel about a young girl and her tutor, but a long and minutely detailed John Major biography, or possibly the title of a book of accounting regulations: “Gentlemen, please turn to page 29 in your newly issued copies of “Fifty Shades of Grey” and we will discuss the fiduciary regulations for the coming fiscal year.”
Licking Hitler; A Film for Television.
Why Men Hate Women. Does God Hate Women? Tales From Facebook.
Extraordinary Pigeons. I'm Drunk Enough To Say I Love You.
If it absolutely had to be an erotic novel, “Fifty Shades of Grey” would be almost definitely be set in an accounts department, and the cast of Dance, Now! fifty grey and joyless characters within said department would only ever become aroused when other members talked about accountancy at Stop Faking It - Finally great length. “This evening Jeremy and I snuck away from the after- Understanding Science So You hour meeting on budgeting analysis, and he read to me at great length Can Teach It. from Chapter 14, Sub-section B of “Accounting Problems: Intermediate.” I was adequately aroused, and we made dispassionate Squids Will Be Squids. accounting love under the watchful gaze of his titanium desk lamp. That man is fifty shades of grey!” On Bullshit.
But no, one you battle past its misleading title "Fifty Shades of Grey" British Blood Sucking Flies; A is definitely not tedious. What it is though, is really, really bad. Catalogue. Containing, in place of all the above accountancy-themed fun, lines like Why Did You Leave That Horse Alone? "I gasp, and I'm Eve ... he is the serpent ... I can't resist." and If the Sun Doesn't Kill You, Your Washing-Machine Will. "Why don't you like to be touched?" "Because I am fifty shades of fucked-up!" The Pervert's Guide to Cinema. I suppose the only conclusion to be drawn is that this is the kind of Ready and Willing...But Still stuff that gets Americans going. Nevertheless, kudos to James for Waiting. making a success of a book that his title-proposing publishers clearly wanted to fail, and kudos to America for not judging a book by its Fed Up And Hungry. mindnumbing cover. The Who's Who of Murderers 13
CULTURAL WANK Music.
Music News. Genuine Album Cover of the Month. This month it's Bobbi Baker's 1962 offering "I Will Do Anything For Money" (up to and including being The most recent in a series of nostalgic reformations, S Club 7 are back on the musical felt up by an elephant.)... scene, but the news was greeted with fears that they won't be "all that they once were." Popular member and erstwhile townplanner Brad said "It's always a danger, when you get older - what if someone has lost that nausiatingly bouncy spark. What if now they are middle-aged and faded they have grown disillusioned with the S Club party lifestyle? What if rather than shaking their body from side to side, they want to perform songs about taxes, sorrow and futility?" The band have publically assured fans that they still retain all the manufactured, formulaic soullessness that made them what they were and that despite being ten years closer to death none of them have become suddenly deep, reflective, or creatively attuned. Miley Cyrus Lyrics Translated. The 7 things I hate about you, oh you/You're vain, your games, you're insecure/You make me laugh, you make me cry - The five things I hate about you,oh, you! Are your contradictory personality defaults and the fact that we interact on an emotional level, you shit boyfriend, you. I just had to call you up and say hello./ I know it's 3 AM./ And I saw you awhile ago./But I still had this aching need to hear your voice - Dear lover, I have collected all the eyelashes you shed while you were around me and I keep them in a tiny jar labeled “love”, I know it is 3 AM, and the restraining order took effect yesterday but I just had this need to hear your voice...now, what are you wearing? I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and a cardigan Welcome to the land of fame-excess, am i gonna fit in? - I wonder if I will fit in in this land of money, drugs and 'fame-excess'. I wonder if I will fit in - wearing my cardigan. I got my sight set on you/ And I'm ready to aim - Miley Cyrus <3s tautology. I don't call this work/But I'm paid to play/And the real party starts backstage - this prostitution business is popular and lucrative, and I’ve branched out into more niche practices; the real party starts ‘backstage’! (Ed. there it is folks, that Miley Cyrus anal joke you have waited five issues for. Classy, classy stuff.)
ASSORTED MISCELLANY Inspired by our increasingly summery campus - consider the following... Five reasons why the daffodil is better than you: 1.It is tall and devastatingly slim 2.Everyone is pleased to see it when it arrives 3.It has a trumpet 4.It is always surrounded by a posse of good-looking companions 5.It does not waste its time reading poorly spelled satirical papers Above-the daffodil; innately superior to you. Wanna Live Like ‘Common’ People? Here’s a How the Other Half (of Campus) Lives. The top ten run-down of this month’s most repellentmost pretentious sounding M&S products: sounding offers at Iceland 1 .Le Château d’Estoublou Extra Olive Oil £25 1. Frozen Corned Beef Hash £1 2. Aberdeen Angus Beef Sirloin Steak (slowly 2. Frozen Fish Finger Butty £1 matured) £11 3. Frozen Chicken Yorkshire Pudding Wrap (with 3. Rosé Veal Fillet Steak (calves raised on a milk stuffing and gravy) £1.50 and cereal diet for 8-12 months) £8.60 4. Frozen Cheese and Bean Toasties £1 5. Frozen Chicken Tikka Lansagne £1.50 6. Frozen 1kg “Scottish Style” Square Sausage £1 7. Frozen “Mr Brain's” six Pork Faggots in a Westcountry Sauce £1.75 8. Donner Kebab Pizza £2. 9. Frozen “Meal for One” Liver and Onion Dinner £1.50 10. Frozen Chocoberry Meltdown Dessert £2
4. Creamy Lancashire Mini Oat Cakes and Caramelised Onion Confit £2.49 5. Manuka Active Honey £11.99 6. Parmesan, Asparagus and Truffle Hand-cooked Herefordshire Potato Crisps £1.89 7. Also available in (forget prawn) Lobster Cocktail flavour £1.89 8. Italian Bottled Still Water from the Western Alps (pH 6.9) £2.99 9. Mozet Chocolate Fondue with Salted Caramel £13.99 10. Hazelnut Layered Pavola £7 15
ASSORTED MISCELLANY In the week in which Obama and Cameron discussed foreign policy and the possibility of an end to the war in Afganistan over a game of basketball, we present other lesser known but equally politically charged sporting events from the contemporary political arena... - Angela Merkel and Lucas Papademos regularly meet to discuss the Greek bailout while playing monopoly. - George Osborne and Vince Cable engage in competitive tiddly-wink championships to pass the time while debating the pasty tax issue. - Andrew Lansley and Death formulated NHS reform bill while playing Operation. - Putin finalised Russian isolationist policy while playing World ofWarcraft alone. - Boris Johnson and Seb Coe regularly discuss the upcoming London Olympics while playing wiff-waff. - David Cameron and Cristina Fernรกndez de Kirchner will decide the sovereignty of the Falklands with a particularly apt game of Conkers.
Watching the carefree first and second years basking in the unseasonable heat and enjoying their lives, Edward wished he could have written his dissertation on sunshine and joy rather than International Trade Treaties, but alas, it was far too late.
VACUOUS CHAT Auntie Rawlingson's Page ofAgony. Dear Auntie Rawlingson. Until recently I really enjoyed living with my housemate. We got on very well and there was a great laid back vibe in the house, for the three years I have know her she has always seemed fun loving, relaxed and above all sane. Imagine my surprise, then, when I came back from campus on Saturday and found that my housemate had barracaded herself into her room. When I finally convinced her to open the door I found her sitting on her bed surrounded by hundreds of drums of petrol, piles of stamps and cornish pasties. I asked her to explain but all she could say was "It's ok, I've bought enough, we are definitely safe, now" I think everyone is concerned about the fuel crisis, and probably a few people are concerned about stamp duty and the new pasty tax - but we don't even send letters! Or eat pasties for that matter! How can I make her see how insane her actions are and what do I do with her room full of panic-bought goods? Yours, Concerned of Monks Road.
Overheard In and Around the Vicinity. Students in Long Lounge listening to Meatloaf: " 'I would do anything for love, but I won't do that' ... What do you reckon 'that' is?" "I don't know. Something involving fecal matter?"
"Apparently Timepiece is the second most popular pick-up spot Dear Concerned. Ah, the postage stamp, pasties and petrol hoarding issue, rarely a in the country." day has gone by since Osborne's budget when I haven't had a letter "What? Here? In Exeter? People don't bone in Exeter, it's too on this theme. depressing." Try to remember that while your housemate may be impressionable and stupid, she is still basically sane. The media is to blame here. Try to draw her attention to the fact that, contrary to "He is SO much older than her, what she has read, panic-buying does not mean that she is "safe". it's terrifying! Whenever they kiss And that having a room full of petrol, however reassuring it might it looks like he is trying to suck the youth out of her so that he can be, is probably as close to "bafflingly unsafe and deadly" as she live another hundred years!" can get. Give her a good shake, and provide her with a more girls in Impy discussing a mutual balanced and less fear-mongering news source. friend's love interest. As for the room's worth of goods, apply the stamps to the petrol drums and post them back to the middle east. The countries from "I have a massive vagina which we have illegally taken them will be genuinely grateful. wedgie!" Pasties are famously adaptable, and if you really can't bring "I can't believe I have to wear a yourselves to eat them try constructing a fort with them. This light-hearted activity should also help your panicked, reactionary bra outside!" Girls in the toilet of Pitcher and housemate to relax and get everything into perspective. Piano coming to grips with their Good luck, femininity. Auntie Rawlingson. 17
VACUOUS C HAT Is your sex life too gratuitous, disturbing or just generally dire to form the lighthearted sex columns that are such a staple of regular student magazines? Why not put your pain and deviancy to good use by allowing others to laugh at it? Sluttin' It. Ah, Spring. Such a wonderful time, as the warm sunny weather causes many of the ladies across campus to bring out their skimpy, frilly dresses to look pretty in and show off their fleshy bits. Oh yes, it is a good time to be a lecherous perv. I swear I will get whiplash from spinning around to check out female bottoms. So...all this pent-up sexual frustration reminds me of how I used to vent using the ancient practice of Gay Chicken. Medieval monks invented Gay Chicken as a loophole for their vows of chastity. I can claim that’s true because I do history. . The rules of Gay Chicken are moronically simple, which is useful because it is an endeavour only pursued by morons and sexually curious individuals attracted to morons: two heterosexuals (because it wouldn’t be gay if you did it with someone who's actually gay) of the same sex go to kiss each other, and proceed to kiss, until one chickens out and is from then on labelled the Gay Chicken.
Gay Chicken is a dark and mysterious power, and must be used only in the right circumstances. For instance, it is acceptable to play Gay Chicken when inebriated, but not when sober (because then it’s just weird) and not when blind drunk (because you won’t know or remember who you are choosing to play Gay Chicken with, and might get carried away...) If you are male, it’s also not a way to try and impress the women-folk. Just because you are confident to kiss another dude probably won’t make her pants wet, but just give her a chance to run away. I learnt this first hand when I introduced a friend to Gay Chicken in Arena. He liked the game a tad too much, and seemed frankly over-ambitious in terms of its seducing potential. He instantly pulled me over to a lady he was in the process of negotiating with for coital rights. He then immediately, with no warning or run-up, stuck his tongue in my mouth, leaving her rather confused, and not knowing what to take from the whole ordeal I just felt shocked and violated.
However if you are female (and, as we discussed last issue - you probably are), it has a very good chance of impressing us men-folk. If there’s anything blokes like more than kissing ladies, it’s watching two ladies kiss right in front of their face. Why you ask? Well, men are highly visual and How witty. imaginative beings. I have met some women who have tried to use Gay Chicken to ward off It’s essentially a test of manly fortitude and how male attention by pretending they prefer secure you are in your sexuality. It also a great way unwanted sandwiches to hotdogs (that’s a metaphor for to get off with someone on a night out when you genitalia by the way!), but to be honest you’re just are a) in a relationship, and therefore prohibited giving me a free show until I’m bored... from pursuing someone of the opposite sex or b) completely incapable of getting off with someone So there it is, your summer guide to Gay Chicken of the opposite sex, but don’t want to leave and its many mixed blessings, go forth, go forth disappointed. If you have a twisted sense of and use it wisely and possibly sparingly. Well, humour, like me, it’s also a rather useful way to unless you're female. absolutely freak out your more prudish friends, leading to fits of laughter... although you might find yourself friendless and alone soon after. 18
VACUOUS C HAT Pointless Novelty Quiz!
- This Month - Has Your Crush on Your Favourite Celebrity Gone Too Far?
Look, we all have celebrities that we fancy. Most of them are paid to be pretty and a bit vapid, and you get the feeling that they'd accept your sexual advances with a mixture of condescension and boredom, which is the best you could hope for, really. However, there is a line between merely thinking about them in the library and full-on obsession. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.
When you write to-do lists, do you often list "think of <celebrity>'s face as one of the items? a) What? Never! b) Shut UP it only happened ONCE c) Yes, the satirical magazine I edit is late each month because every other item on my editing list is "think about Bob Dylan's face". (Ed. Very subtle Katie!) When you're invited to an event that requires a +1, do you a) find the nearest available person who resembles <celebrity> b) Of course you don't bring anyone! You're saving yourself for <celebrity>! c) You bring a life-sized cardboard cutout of said celebrity, wearing either a tuxedo or dinner gown. Or both. They were feeling fancy that evening. You understand them like that. Have you ever had a wonderful daydream that you were wanking off <celebrity> on the sofa? a) Oh my, yes. There was sunshine and bodily fluids everywhere. It was beautiful. b) Please stop asking me these questions. c) It was more of a nightmare and halfway through they turned into a spider. Haven't been able to read Charlotte's Web since. Do you follow them a) on twitter? b) on facebook? c) as they go about their day-to-day life? If someone else shows interest in said celebrity, do you a) feel glad that someone else is a fan b) Eye them with wariness. This is your thing, not theirs. c) Tear at their throat IT'S WHAT YOUR LOVE WOULD WANT. Have you ever sewn together a special little doll of <celebrity> which terrified your housemates? a) No. Never. Who does that. b) Maybe, just the once. c) Hundreds! Each and every one anatomically correct. Have you perfected an impression of said celebrity, so that you may hear their soothing tones crooning your name as you - ahem, well -? a) I'm really not into that sort of thing. b) That was supposed to be private c) Yes! And I made myself a special textured glove with their face on it. 1. a) 0 b) 1 c) 3 2. a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 3. a) 3 b) 0 c) 1 4. a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 5. a) 0 b) 2 c) 3 6. a) 0 b) 2 c) 3 7. a) 0 b) 1 c) 3 17+ Don't touch me. I know where you've been. 4-16 Your love may have grown unwieldy, and you may feel uncomfortable venturing outside without a photograph of your favourite celebrity, but you're just about striking a decent balance between your obession and being a normal human being. 0-3 You passionless freak! Are you dead inside? Where is your sense of wonder and/or pulsating sexuality?
Headline That In Some Way Makes Sport Funny or Interesting. Sport this month occured at intervals, just as it has in all subsequent months, and throughout history since its glorious inception.