February, Issue 4, www.facebook.com/groups/exetersatire, Twitter @exposedsatire.
Gove’s Proposed Royal Yacht Downgraded to “Lovely” Swan Pedalo As Recession Bites.
in the shape of a giant swan. The pedalo, bought second-hand from Brighton's "Sea View Pleasure Beach", was chosen not only because its price was more "recession-friendly" but because it was thematically apt. "Where the yacht has no broader connotations, (other than maybe wealth) the swan pedalo stands as a giant plastic symbol of all that is Queenly. What could be more monarchical than a swan?" said a government spokesman. In spite of the compelling symbolism of the pedalo, many MPs remain unconvinced of the sincerity of such a gift. To assuage fears Cameron has issued the following statement “This isn't all a case of cut backs. When you think about it a massive yacht is really a bit much for a pensioner, the swan pedalo is much more managable. It will be given over to her for her own has happened to live for a personal use, and I for one look staggeringly long time", is forward to seeing her pedalling it somehow "gratuitous" and around the Serpentine on lazy "offensive". The cabinet, ever responsive to Sunday afternoons, playfully public opinion, has instead opted calling to Philip on the shore. “Philip, Philip, we are the only for a different mode of water transport, replacing the proposed ones in the country who can eat luxury yatch with a "lovely" and this novelty pedalo! Ahahaha! Great sense of humour, our Liz” "modest" novelty pedalo :
Secretary of State Michael Gove’s plans for a £60 million royal yacht to mark the Queen's diamond jubilee were altered this week following complaints from the public that “Buying a women whose entire lifestyle has been funded by the taxpayer a massive yacht with public money, just because she
HAPPENINGS A Word From the Editor. Well done for coming back for the fourth issue. You are quite the trooper. Speaking strictly for me this edition of Exposed is one of the most educative yet. I've learnt that America have a different Black History Month to us for some reason, that Gary Barlow's lyrics are too nauseating to read let alone translate, and that our cartoonist's personal cartooning mantra is "if you can make it more dystopian, it's not done yet." Who knows the things that it will teach you... For your enjoyment this month we have a double page spread on the joy that was the sabbatical elections, all the latest from the exercise in terror that is the American political scene, and more lovely offerings from Simply The Jest, who you should go and see, not least because it will mean that they can stop turning each article they write into a thinly-veiled exercise in self-promotion. Go and take in one of their Bikeshed shows, or join their facebook group or something. They are really very funny. As always nothing is serious, the Guild are wise, people's babies are charming, and the Queen probably isn't reminded of masterminding the death of her daughter-in-law when she listens to Elton John. If everyone could kindly refrain from litigative action, it would apprieciated. Thanking you all in advance, Ed. PS. Send your submissions, messages of goodwill and praise to ExposedSatire@gmail.com by the 15th of next month and you too can join the elite club of embittered weirdos who contribute to this thing. 2
HAPPENINGS Pg 3 - 5 Local Happenings Pg 6 - 9 National Happenings
CULTURAL WANK Pg.10 - 11- Film Pg 12 - Simply The Jest Get Musically Topical. Pg 13 - Literature Pg 14 - Music
Pg 15 - A Parting Gift From UniLad or "Misogyny Rules. "
Pg 16 - Stat Shots. Pg 17 - Auntie Rawlingson's Page ofAgony, Pg 18 - Slutting It! Pg 19 - Pointless Novelty Quiz, Pg 20 - All The Latest From The World of Sport
HAPPENINGS Following Red-top Outcry Guild Forced to Admit They Can Entire University Agrees No Longer Remember What is Offensive and What Isn't. That Unpaid Internships Are
an Outrage. "But the fact remains that hundreds of disgruntled students won't change the practices of big business. Now for the love of God lets all talk about something cries Vice-Chancellor Above - some possibly offensive students dressed in possibly offensive drag. else!" in anguish. In the wake of the ban on Exeter students dressing in drag and the resultant 75% of Students Convinced Daily Mail article with its "political correctness will destroy the SouthEveryone Else is West" undertones, Exeter's Student Guild was this week forced to admit that that "Studying in Spite the ruling was made almost entirely at random and that they can literally no of Results Wrong" to Contrary. longer remember what is offensive and what isn't. "Those people who just doggedly work, and try, and A Guild spokesperson said "I think once, very early on in my acedemic in extra hours and see career, I had a working moral compass. But, you know, after about a month put tutors, etc. That is just in a university setting you start to lose track of where the rest of the world's their wrong. Of course you are boundaries lie. Just imagine the state I'm in after three years." going to get a good grade it doesn't prove anything. "I remember a while back lots of students were blacking up and somewhere but Anyone can be a slogger. in the back my fuddled mind I thought "I think I remember that being is no skill there. Also offensive". Rape jokes - that came up in some university literature a while There people who just do it back and we all decided that was definitely offensive - but if memory serves those all the night before, high on it took us a while to come to that decision. It's just so hard to remember! their own of fear, and Yelling 'banter' after things, does that work in the real word or is that just get a first. sense What does that here?" prove? You're naturally talented, so what? You're not Over the years it's been the Guild's general rule of thumb that if lots of anything. The way students are doing it, they are probably doing it tastelessly, at someone else's learning to work is to drag research expense torturously out over a period half-arsed weeks and then "When we saw lots of people doing the drag thing we thought, ah, yes, we're of rush the writing over the ahead of them here, we'll put a stop to that before it leaks out and the course of three days." university gets a reputation for being gender-intolerant as well as Bruce - Charlotte chauvenistic and racist. But now it turns out that trans-gender people aren't Charlotte herself consistantly offended by drag at all. Or some of them are but not enough to warrant the middling 2;1s but is recieves ban, or all of them are but The Daily Mail isn't, or something. I don't know comforted by the knowledge it's all so confusing!" that she is studying "right" .
The Spokesperson tearfully revealed that he and the rest of the Guild's governing body had long ago reached the point where they were unable to establish if any given thing was tasteless and objectionable, ironic and playful, post-ironic and knowing, or harmless and fun. "And you know what," he added churlishly, "It's not just us, I don't think anyone at Exeter really knows anymore."
Third Years Collectively Wish There Was Some Way to Warn Their Feckless, Drunken First Year Selves About How Hellish Things Would Eventually Become.
HAPPENINGS Sabbatical Elections 2012: A Retrospective.
We look back at the week many would prefer to forget. What you had to say... The 2012 Sabbatical Candidates - as Memory Serves ..
"If anything my first experience of Sabbatical Elections has made me reassess the value of democracy. Deep down, I long for one of these faceless gimick ridden campaigners to just rise up, seize the guild in a military coup and then rule me like a King."
- Any number of forgettable women, - Any number of forgettable men, - That one that used a John Lennon song, - That one that is probably a sheep, - That one who wouldn't stop running around, - The one with Ben Stiller's cum in her hair, - The one whose tag-line wasn't a joke (Ed. I spent so long trying to read a pun into that tag line, I voted for him in the end because I admired his complete lack of humour.) - Possibly others...
"At first I was annoyed but three days in I realised I could use the vast amounts of leaflets I was being Some Experimentation. handed to insulate my freezing Vic Street house. I just lined the On Wednesday 8th of February, three days into campaign week, outward facing walls with them." Exposed conducted an experiment to see how students were coping with the bombardment of bright colours, shouting and "Since I am one of the 3000 or so bits of paper. The results were quite extraordinary. students who are leaving at the end of this year, but who, bafflingly, still Members of the editorial team donned sexually, and in some get a say in all this, I will be using cases, morally provocative costumes and yet received no more my vote for evil, deliberately trying than numbed, blank looks outside Amory building. Our duvet to mar this university, which I have banners which contained a gamut of quotations from Stalin never really liked, by voting for the ("Death is the solution to all problems."), Mao ("Political power most unprepared and ineffective grows out of the barrel of a gun") and South Park ("Can we get looking candidates. I think, on rid of all the Mexicans?") also failed to get second looks. balance, most disenchanted third years are doing this." After a while, several of our experimenters tried yelling extracts from the Monster Raving Looney Party’s most recent manifesto, "I don't want to sound disrespectful and our Editors copy of "An Intelligent Woman's Guide to - but I can't shake the feeling that Sovietism, Volume 1" (Ed. It's real) but as one member of our this whole noisy day-glo tumult team remarked: masks a lack of real substance. I mean surely the university is run by “Everyone just pretended to be on the phone or listening to their adults - and the candidates are iPods. Some took elaborate routes behind dustbins or across vast figureheads, if they had any real swathes of mudded grass to avoid walking past us. We just power, everything would have been blended in to the rest of campus, really.” sorted ages ago. I really do think they are there to make us feel like In a final effort, Exposed attempted to give out leaflets we have some say in the governing containing £10-off restaurant vouchers with an added attached of an institution that is in reality run five pound note, but the passing crowds were having none of it, by people whose paying, either brushing our hands away with an irate “I’ve already professional job it is to govern this voted! Damn it.” or simply screwing up the free money in front institution." of us and throwing it at our feet. 4
HAPPENINGS What Makes A Winning Candidate? When asked what makes a winning candidate, a Guild Spokesperson told Exposed: “All the Sabbatical Officers in the past have had to be approachable, enthusiastic, with relevant experience and a well-thought-out manifesto. But, when it comes right down to it, I would say a ridiculous name is probably the main requirement.” When assessing past elections this turned out to be quite the recurrent theme. Most of the previous Sabbs have either had a name similar to a potential campaign prop: 'Marge Loover - Large Hoover', and 'Dennis McClackett - Tennis Racket!' being memorable examples from recent years, or a first name that their parents really shouldn't have been allowed to get away with, such as Colm, Kermit or Jezebel. "The thing is, when in a desperate attempt to avoid doing work you actually bring up the guild website and go to cast your vote, what you find is a list of people's weird or ordinary names. Sure you can click to read their manifestos, but realistically your decision is made as soon as you see that list. Of course you are going to choose 'Isadora Gumption' over 'Tim Jones', for the same reason that you would choose, say, the pleasingly stodgy monosyllabic surname 'Clegg' over the common and tedious surname 'Brown' or, I don't know, someone called 'Barack' over someone called 'John'." the Guild Spokesperson continued. "The other chief deciding factor is the amount of sex appeal candidates have managed to inject into their campaign, and by sex appeal I mean subtle innuendo, and by subtle innuendo I mean blunt, crass statement." And indeed, who could forget such beautiful slogans as ‘Daisy Dalton: Try and Guess My Bra Size’ and Gareth Stiff’s “Go Ahead...Touch It”? This year, campaigns involving bestiality were rife (and concerningly effective), and though animal rights organisations have yet to get involved, there is plenty of potentially incriminating evidence strewn across campus and several videos from throughout campaign week, when the time for legal action eventually comes. While it is true that a surprising amount of people can just be bribed with bundles of sweets and a trite aliterative slogans, if you’re thinking of running next year, first stop and ponder whether your name is stupid or your campaign angle sexualised enough to compete electorally. Above - you, for the past three weeks.
Exposed would like to congratulate the winners of the Sabbatical Elections - who ever they were - and wish them the best of luck as they struggle to enact their idealistic and hopeful manifesto promises in the face of a sea of overbearing university beaurocracy. Welcome to politics. 5
In real electoral news Republican primaries in America continue to rumble on. Below is Gingrich's speech to the Florida branch of his party, before (left) and after (right) being subjected to logic. So let me talk briefly about what this is going to I am a man of few ideas and words. This election be about. This is the most important election of is much like all those other one you have had to your lifetime. sit through in your lifetime .
If — if Barack Obama gets re-elected, it will be a disaster for the United States ofAmerica. Make no bones about it. If he can have a record this bad, unemployment this bad, deficits this bad, policies this bad, gasoline prices this high, and still get re-elected, you can’t imagine how radical he’ll be in his second term. So designing and putting together a people’s campaign, not a Republican campaign, not an establishment campaign, not a Wall Streetfunded campaign, a people’s campaign, and saying to every American of every background and every ethnic group and every community: We have a better future for you and your family. It’s a future of jobs, it’s a future of lower gasoline prices, it’s a future of more power back home to you and your family and your neighborhood. This is a future we ask you to join us in imposing on the establishment in Washington and imposing it on both parties. Let’s talk briefly about the power of ideas. In 1980, I was very honored to be able to help put together the first Capitol steps. And at that point, Senate and House candidates came together with Governor Reagan. David Broder wrote about it in the Washington Post. It was a very courageous decision by Reagan because he didn’t have to run as part of a team. And he did something nobody had done before. And we won six U.S. Senate seats by a combined margin of 75,000 votes, and we picked up 33 House seats. In 1994, building on that experience, we got 350 candidates to come and to be part of a Contract with America, to stand on the Capitol steps. We offered a positive program, and we had the largest one-party increase in American history in an off-year. Nine million additional Americans 6
Barack Obama is responsible for th recession. I am going to make a long list but in it I am only going to make specific references to two thingsunemployment and gasoline- but these other vague complaints make him sound worse! We both know these problems were intentionally orchestrated by Obama because he is a Red who hates your job and car! It is not due to the global recession, for America exists independently from the globe. is
God, I love lists! They are not necessarily informative, but damn, they sound good. I believe I can call this a people’s campaign even though that is an empty and meaningless sentiment. I’m hoping you will gloss over that and also over my comment about giving ‘more power back home to you and your family, and your neighborhood’- frankly I don’t even know what that would entail. Although at this stage you are voting for me specifically to represent you, I still feel ‘us’ is appropriately inclusive and pal-y - massive party in the White House! Woo. At this point let me briefly throw a lot of numbers at you. They sound impressive, but think about how involved I was personally. Really, this was a success for our lord, Reagan. On my Wikipedia page this forms a large proportion of what I was doing in the 80s…but for some reason my role isn’t acknowledged on Reagan’s page at all…I’m sure it was just an oversight. Either way, doesn't it sound trailblazing and new when in reality it was just a bunch of cronies standing on the same platform as a successful politician ?
HAPPENINGS in an off-year. Nine million additional Americans voted for a positive vision, and we kept our word, and every item in the contract was voted on in the first 93 days.
What a 'positive campaign' or 'positive vision' is I will politely decline from specifying - but don't they sound upbeat, All-American and, well, positive? Not gloomy and socalist. No Sir.
There’s — there’s a core question, both in the primaries and in the general election, a simple question. If you’re comfortable with the way America’s decaying, then we don’t have to change much. We can just manage the decay.
My core question, that isn’t really a question, is very leading. If you don’t vote for me, you are voting for decay or ‘decay management’ if you will, no one likes decay. Do you like decay? No? If you do you're really gross. (...)
(. . . )
I’ll give you a couple more. We’re going to put together a package. You’re going to see, this is what a serious conservative president is like, who is bold and is prepared to change Washington, despite the screams of the establishment of both parties. We will on that day sign an executive order that will instruct the State Department that day to open the embassy in Jerusalem and recognize Israel.
Alright, alright, I can manage a few more jokes. Putting together a package, not that kind of package, a package that makes both parties scream, still not that kind of package. Moving suddenly on, let me just drop this subtly in - I am going to open an embassy in Jerusalem and recognize Israel…HA! - and you all thought my provacative middle-eastern warbaiting would be with Iran.
AUDIENCE: Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt! Newt!
Aquatic amphibian! Aquatic amphibian! Aquatic amphibian! Aquatic amphibian!
I will sign on that day an executive order reinstating As a Catholic I am staunchly anti-abortion, Ronald Reagan’s Mexico City policy. No U.S. though I do pick and choose re. Catholicism, money will go anywhere in the world to pay for divorce? Love divorce, been divorced twice. abortion, period. Their fault, not mine.) Anyway, obviously steaming the flow of US money to foreign clinics And finally, many of you may have noticed will actually stop the abhorrent practice - I am that the Obama administration has declared pretty sure people won't continue doing it out of war on the Catholic Church and other religious necessity in what will become increasingly institutions. I want you to know that, on the under-funded and dangerous surroundings. And very first day, I will sign an executive order besides, the more money we save in the repealing every anti-religious act of the Obama international abortion market, the more US administration as of that moment. dollars we can plow into the international arms market. Period. Little known fact - Obama hates Jesus. True Story. I will sign a Obama-WickednessReversing-Bill, along with my Palestine-Baiting Bill and my Pro-Life, Pro-Weapons Trading Bill on my imaginary first day in office. Thank you Florida and Goodnight. Above - Manner in which Newt delivered this entire speech 7
HAPPENINGS "We Must be Careful Not to Demonise The Bankers" Chants RBS Boss Stephen Hester, From Beneath His Ram's-skull Headwear, While Devouring Sacrified Virgins. York, Cornwall, and Most Areas North of Peterborough Declare Their Intention to "Get Out Too" If Scotland Wins Bid for Independence. All of the City of London "couldn't care less." After Month of Interminable Media Coverage Hundreds Are Left Confused and Baffled by the Notion that Some Things "Do Not Relate Directly to Charles Dickens" "I watched two whole television programmes last week that hardly mentioned Dickens at all. It's really weird and disorienting, I had grown so used to his comfortingly unaviodable presence in my life." Favourite Genuine BBC News Headlines This Month... "Third Failure in Naked Atlantic Pedalo Crossing" "Champion Cheese-maker Found Dead!"
New NHS Reforms Rushed Through Government In Order to Get Them To "Adoring Public" Faster Claims Cameron.
Above - some poster from a while back...
Amid accusations from the press of "dictatorially suppressing and ignoring" public opposition to NHS reform, David Cameron made a reassuring and not at all Stalin-esque speech this week in which he confidently asserted that he had listened to the public, and the press had catagorically "mis-read" their protests. "I sat down with the public and chatted to them about the whole reform business and it turns out the press got it completely wrong. The public love this bill, all that agitation, and those online petitions, they were just trying to make the government push the bill through faster. Bless them, they are so keen, they just can't wait!" "I think I am still right in saying that this is one of the most universally popular bills implimented by any government at any point in British history," When asked whether this universal popularity took account of the BMA, The Royal College of Nursing, The Royal College of Midwives, or any of the other organisations who had called for a repeal, Cameron laughed cheerfully, "Well, maybe there are a few guys who aren't so keen, troublemakers, they like to think no one knows as much about healthcare as they do, they don't like the idea of a publically backed governmental reform shaking them out of their stuffy comfort zone. But, you know, who cares about their antiquated opinions. Some people's opinions matter more than others, in much the same way some people's health matters more than others. Or will do, once the overhaul is complete. Did I say overhaul? I meant, of course, reforms - delicate, delicate, much loved, reforms."
"The Rise and Fall of Lapdancing"
When a member of the press pointed out that regardless of whether or not the public or the medical community supported the bill, half the government was ideologically opposed to it, Clegg revealed that though he tries to "toe the Lib Dem party line" he is now "conservative with a small c".
"Ammunition Hidden in Police-man's Mouth!"
His disenchanted and effectively voiceless party later agreed that he was "certainly something with a small c"...
HAPPENINGS Breast-feeding Pictures "Stage one" in a Facebook-wide Ban on Tedious Photos of Other Peoples Children.
Above- One of millions of identical and banal Facebook baby photos - soon to be rightfully banned
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg this month announced that the site's decision to remove pictures of mothers breastfeeding their babies had little to do with misguided concerns over obscenity, and everything to do with removing all the "tedious photographic bullshit" from the social network. "It's stage one in a series of measures we will be putting in place over the next few months designed to stop other people's dull and menial lives from clogging up news feeds." said Zuckerburg Separated at Birth?
"The ban has started with breastfeeding babies, but will eventually move on to baby pictures of any kind. No-one wants thousands of images of the ugly drooling progeny of someone they once knew but can no longer remember, greeting them every time they log on to the site. Everyone thinks it, yet no one directly messages the parent telling them to remove the offensively saccarine images of 'little Archie' smeared with his own fluids. The Facebook franchise as a whole just decided to do the decent thing and step in." "Once the collosal annoyance of having to look at other people's children is eliminated there are plans to extend the ban so that it includes those photos that are just the heads of three bleary eyed, over-made-up, girls leaning into shot while clubbers dance in the background. Bascially within the year all the mind-numbing, unimaginative and indentical photos will be outlawed." Zuckerburg said, smiling. "Next year we plan to work on some way to abolish those nausiatingly adolescent statuses in which people just write "Grrr, so angry with SOMEONE!! ): ): ):" or "*Sigh*". It's possible that in two years' time or so our users might actually be able to look at their news feeds and not mutter to themselves angrily about the state of humanity."
Eric Pickles - Conservative MP for Brentwood and Ongar, Secretary of State for Communities and Local Governent.
A Cholesterol-Laden Egg. 9
CULTURAL WANK Film
Oscar for most blatant English stereotype: Colin Firth as Bill Hayden in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, so English he could only be a Russian agent... Oscar for best facial hair on screen: Jean Dujardin in The Artist as George Valentin, Major Jamie Stewart in Warhorse playing a sporting the sort of facial hair which would have characterisation straight out of Blackadder Goes Forth. Colin Firth as King George VI in The King's Speech. A made Greta Garbo blush. double nomination for an actor who has built a career Sacha Baron Cohen in Hugo as the Station on playing flawed stereotypical Englishmen. Inspector, displaying an interesting symmetry Judi Dench as Mrs Fairfax from Jane Eyre. It is no between his eyebrows and upper lip. longer clear whether Judi Dench is acting or has Adrian Brody in Midnight in Paris as Salvador merely calcifying into a stereotypical period drama Dali, which says it all really. The identibeards of everyone with a connection to character. Eddie Redmayne as in My Week Wth Marilyn. the literary scene in Anonymous. Benedict Cumberbach in Warhorse as Major Jamie Frightfully decent young chap, product of a head-on Stewart with the sort of moustache you are obliged collision between Biggles and Brideshead Revisited. to grow if you intend to lecture others on the Oscar for most androgynous screen role (is it a man, subject of bravery. is it a woman or is it a…?): Tilda Swindon as Eva Khatchadourian in We Need to Oscar for movie with the most useful title to Talk About Kevin: it’s a Day of the Dead decoration signal your intentions on a first date: No Strings Attached produced by Jeffrey Clifford that you left up by mistake. Friends With Benefits produced by Liz Glotzer. Owen Wilson as Gil Scott-Pender in Midnight in Paris: it’s a Woody Allen wannabe. Bridesmaids produced by Judd Apatow Janet McTeer as Hubert Page in Albert Nobbs: it’s a Abduction produced by Doug Davidson A Good Old Fashioned Orgy produced by James single-person embodyment of the LGBT movement. Glenn Close as Albert Nobbs in Albert Nobbs: it’s one D. Stern. big feminist statement in a bowler hat. Oscar for performance that the greatest number of people are currently ashamed to be Most horrific sex scene in a movie not short by Paul Verhoeven: masturbating over Ezra Miller as the teenage Kevin in We Need to Michael Fassbender as Brandon Sullivan and Amy Talk About Kevin - especially that shot where he’s Hargreaves as the prostitute in Shame in that bit where they’re doing it against their appartment window your profiled in the act of drawing the crossbow... Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in The Iron only real sympathy is with the double glazing. Kristen Stewart as Bella Swan and as Robert Pattinson Lady in an unlikely blue movie role. Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Adam Lerner in 50/50 as Edward Cullen in Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Should have had a safe word, just sayin’. whose attractiveness increases in inverse Kiera Knightley as Sabina Spielrein and Michael proportion to his health. Who says cancer’s all Fassbender as Carl Jung in A Dangerous Method. If bad? Knightley’s first instinct was to turn down the role on Pina. All of it. Everyone in it. Never has the Rhineland been more attractive (except maybe to account of the sex scenes, then some instincts really shouldn’t be repressed. Hitler).
Alternative Oscar Nominations.
CULTURAL WANK The Hobbit 2.0 Dir: Rich Snackel Cast: Benedict Cumberbatch, Steve Buscemi, Gina Torres 2 stars
Given the vogue for remaking films that, were they humans, would be in primary school, it will come as a surprise to no-one that a remake ofThe Hobbit is now well underway. With Peter Jackson's Hobbit set to be released later this year, Rich Snackel, the director of Hobbit 2.0, thinks it's high time a reboot of the series was undertaken. "This old-world fantasy crap's fine for December 2012," Snackel stated at a press conference in early February, "but it's not going to fly in January 2013. People nowadays want their films realistic, gritty, full of strong independent women wearing as few clothes as possible, and above all, set in modern-day America." Most controversial among Snackel's alterations to Tolkein has been his decision to make all the characters human. However, Snackel brushes the criticism this has incurred aside, saying "no-one can relate to a character who isn't exactly like them. It's just not possible. Look at Star Wars, or John Carter, or A Room with a View - every important character has to be human, nothing else works." Presented with a long list of exceptions to this rule, Snackel declined to comment. Before terminating the interview, Snackel did share a few insights into his vision for the film. Perhaps most central to Snackel's vision is the use of slow-motion at key instances. "We know audiences really respond to the constant grinding of a film to a halt whenever something the director thinks is important happens, so we're going to make everything basically stop whenever one of the characters hits something, stops hitting something, talks, or moves in any way. It's really going to help point out the important bits." Snackel also has plans to extensively rewrite the characters. Bilbo has been given a thorough modernising: "folks don't want some middle-aged idiot bumbling into an adventure he can't possibly understand and changing the course of history while developing as a person," Snackel states, "so we've remoulded him as a young, sexy, tortured prince, exiled since infancy. He'll spend most of the movie glowering while wearing armour, except for the parts where he's glowering while leading a really really huge army into battle on a horse. We're looking into the technology required to make the horse glower." Bilbo's companions, rather than being male dwarves of various ages, will now be 13 kung-fu wielding teenage girls each with their own tragic backstory and armoury of witty quips, "like that girl in Serenity, that's exactly what we're aiming for". Feeling that the original was lacking in the moral greyness modern audiences require, Snackel envisions Gandalf as a slightly darker, "sleazier" character, "I mean he's this guy in a dress with a long filthy beard who hangs out with a bunch of teenage girls, we had to give him a pervy angle."Gandalf will also be changing his trademark grey robe for a black leather trenchcoat. Also in keeping with today's intense strain of realism, Smaug has been entirely rewritten as a bloke in a suit (still played by Benedict Cumber -batch) who will be "much gritter, much sexier, much more witty, and much more like that famous character Cumberbatch played that one time, you Above - One of Snackel's many conceptual sketches showing the progression of the Smaug character from know, the one with the scarf." Jackson's The Hobbit to Snackel's Hobbit 2.0
CULTURAL WANK Simply The Jest - Their Thoughts and Musings. This month Simply the Jest (Exeter University’s 40th best comedy-sketch-troupe-with-seven-or-moremembers), having somewhat successfully completed their two-night run at The BikeShed Theatre, return to the Exposed offices faster than money pours out of Ibrox in order to dissect the world of contemporary pop music. For those of you unlearned in the art of muzak, we’d like to give you a run down of whom you should be keeping your eyes on at the 2012 BRIT Awards. However, we regret to announce that the 2012 BRIT Awards have had to be cancelled due to James Corden’s resignation following his discovery that the buffet was meat-free to cater for Lenny Kravitz’s vegetarianism (Mark Rylance was asked to fill in but he was already busy standing in for Jesus). Fortunately we have been able to pool together our vast musical knowledge to give you the run down of the nominees for Best British Newcomer at the 1993 BRITs, although we’re sure you’ll already be familiar with most of them. Contrary to popular belief, Simply the Jest aren’t afraid of success and so we shall start by profiling the eventual winner of this prestigious category, which in the past has predicted the massive global success ofA1, Betty Boo, Bros and the unsurpassable, well-known, vegetarian/singer Beverley Craven. 1993 was Tasmin Archer’s year. “What?” We hear you cry, “Hasn’t every year since been Tasmin Archer’s year?” Sadly not, shortly after winning the 1993 BRIT Tasmin was diagnosed with Terrible Musical Ability, a debilitating disease, only comparable to death. The follow up to her number one hit ‘Sleeping Satellite’ (check it out), Sleeping In My Carer’s Arms, failed to chart in any countries outside ofAsiaPacific. Her failure struck her father Jeffery particularly hard, who set up the now famous charity for dealing with untalented people, Dignitasminarcher. Tasmin’s memory does live on, however, in the crude 2-foot wooden statue of her that stands outside Micronesia’s main airport. Nominee KWS (not to be confused with JLS, CBS, RBS, PPS or IBS) began the year well with their number 1 dance rave smash ‘Please Don’t Go’. Their next song, ‘I Won’t Let You Go’ charted at number five, this was then followed by their number 26 song ‘I’ve Locked The Door’ before their final release, ‘I’d Like To See You Try And Leave Without Any Legs’ failed to chart. We couldn’t talk about Tasmin Archer and KWS without mentioning fellow nominee Dina Carroll. Unlike Tasmin and KWS, Dina never felt the need to record a number one single, because she was better than that. Instead she decided to churn out two mediocre songs that charted at number 3 and number 5. People often said that Dina had the voice of an angel, and that angel is Whitney Houston, although sadly for Dina she has Whitney’s voice circa 2011. The final nominee for Best British Breakthrough Act (and winners of Best British Breakfast Act) was a band called Take That. No we don’t know what happened to them either, but we’re sure that whoever they were, they weren’t a patch on Tasmin Archer. Having successfully brought you the round up of the 1993 British music scene, we feel we can now reasonably plug our next show at The BikeShed Theatre (Ed. Shameless!), which is on March 14th. While we can’t promise another in-depth review of early 1990’s music, what we can guarantee is an hour of us performing sketches, and if you find that disappointing then you’re probably in the majority. 1 2
CULTURAL WANK Literature
J.K Rowling Reveals New Book "for Adults" Really Just a Mildly Pornographic Version of the Original Harry Potter Stories. The announcement earlier this month that J.K Rowling has penned a book for adults took the literary world by storm. However this was complicated last week when the popular children's writer and proud Exeter graduate told a London press conference that though the book marked a new period in her writing life, it in no way signaled new characters or different surroundings. "I think a lot of people have assumed that I would be writing about the real world, I suppose they wanted gritty stuff about single mothers and poverty, but I really don't see why I should." she said "Everyone knows I hit on a winning formula with the whole boy wizard scenario, and besides "poverty, sophisticated themes, realism" - that isn't even what I meant when I said it was going to be a book for adults!" Over the following hour and a half of questions from the press it became increasingly apparent what Rowling had meant. "I've always said that "Harry grows and develops as the reader grows and develops," and it only seems fair that now the that the original generation of readers are all randy twenty-somethings I should release an adult-only version of the adventures." One journalist, only mildly horrified by the revelation, asked Rowling if the creative process had differed this time around... "Good question. The creative process, this time around, basically consisted of me going back over the original seven books with my "red pornography pen" and making more explicit the things which I originally only implied. From Moaning Myrtle's perverse toilet-based voyeurism, to the Potions class adjacent Sex Dungeon, all those things that I glossed over when writing for children are dwelt on in vivid and engaging detail now that I am writing for adults." 'I found it very liberating as an artist - not having to dance around the obvious. The love between Grindelwald and Dumbledore can speak its name now, and does, frequently, sometimes for whole pulsating chapters at a time. Similarly the tragic love of Snape for Lily is deepened by several genuinely arousing, yet sensitively handeled, scenes of autoeroticism." This said Rowling strongly refutes claims that the book will just be wall to wall wizarding filth. "The adult book still addresses all of the big metaphysical and spiritual questions that were raised in the children's book. It's just that after settling these questions all of the character's stripAbove - What the cover to Rowling's book will almost definitely look like. off and have group sex in the Hogwarts lake."
CULTURAL WANK Music.
Genuine Album Cover of the Month.
Top Fifteen Genuine Country Music TItles,
This month it's the Jonah Jones Quartet's Seminal 1959 Jazz Album...
1. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling. 2. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goal Posts of Life. 3. I Fell in a Pile ofYou and Got Love All Over Me. 4. I've Got Tears in My Ears (From Lying on my Back Crying Over You.) 5. My Wife Ran Out with My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him. 6. How Can I Miss You ifYou Won't Go Away? 7. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure. 8. I'm Gonna Hire That Wino To Decorate Our Home. 9. It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad. 10. Nashville Rash. 11. Occasional Wife. 12. I'm Quitting Wild Turkey Cold Turkey, 13. Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw. 14. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 15. You Are the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
Queen's Jubillee Concert Lyrics Translated (in the Queen's head). Jessie J - "You got me losing my mind/My heart beats out of time/I'm seeing Hollywood Stars/You strike/ You strike me like a guitar." - This young Londoner's psychotic episodes, arrhythmia, and hallucinations are the result of her lover attempting to render a tune from her with blows to the neck and head. Oh, the plight of the East-end poor. Madness - "One step beyond!!!" - One steps beyond. Annie Lennox - "I'm living in an empty room/With all the windows smashed/And I've got so little left to lose/ That it feels just like I'm walking on broken glass." - This young Scot has become dissatisfied with her improverished mode of tenement living. Oh, the plight of the Glaswegian poor. Elton John - I remember when rock was young/ Me and Suzie had so much fun, holding hands and skimming stones/ Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own/ but the biggest kick I ever got was doing a thing called the Crocodile Rock/ While the other kids were Rocking round the clock we were hopping and bopping to the Crocodile Rock. One remembers when One was young. One and Philip had so much fun, waving hands and shooting game of oneâ€™s own. Had a gold carriage and a palace of my own, but the biggest kick I ever got was doing a thing called the Paris road block. While the other kids were rocking round the clock, we were hopping and bopping to the Paris road block. -
This month the esteemed and hilarious website Uni-Lad closed leaving hundreds of Exeter Freshers confused as to how they should deport themselves. Fortunately for them the article below acts as a handy precis of everything UniLad ever printed. 5 Tips for Keeping That Little Lady in Your Life Firmly Where She Belongs: Your Arms. 1. Hate indiscriminately. As a man, the overwhelming desire to undermine all women in any way possible, (aka your birthright) must never, ever waver. No matter what narrow-minded stereotype you think you can force her in to, she’s still yours for the belittling! Fat bird? Arm wrestle. Maybe a jiggle of the stomach if you’re feeling particularly brave. Fit bird? Sex. What else could she be good for, right lads!? Smart bird? The phrase “Don’t worry your pretty little/man-hating lesbian feminist head about it” 2. Everyone else’s Mum is fair game. Ah, your Mum, the person who endured the dreadful pain of forcing you out of her just so that you could read this esteemed publication and follow these handy tips and hints! (We know she’s never been kicked in the balls, but maybe let her have this one.) It is imperative that you defend your matriarch’s honour at all times by mercilessly objectifying women you consider even the faintest bit attractive, calling all those who rebuff your advances lesbians, and, uh, insulting everyone else’s Mums. 3. Go for the grope. If God hadn’t meant for you to cup it, he wouldn’t have given you hands. Just be careful where you try it; behind her back in a tightly packed space works best. 4. Female shmemale. It’s a fact recognised by at least half of the population that women do things worse than men, except maybe talking, and being massive wusses. In recognition of this, wherever possible, you should try to describe anything negative as being female. Is your mate running in an ineffective and generally displeasing fashion? He is in fact running like a girl. You know Dave’s been struggling with coping since the death of his Uncle Jim, and we’ve just insensitively insinuated his Aunt’s a prostitute? He’s only bloody crying, like a bloody girl! He has been spending a lot of time with his Mum, so they’ve probably synched cycles or something else disgusting that girls do, so it’s only right we seek to put him in his place with the insinuation that he’s one of those weak female woman types who get all whiney once a month due to not collecting their prescriptions of man-the-hell-up. 5. Women like it rough and banter-y. Honesty is the key to every relationship. When a woman asks how she looks, be sure to focus on all the abundant negatives you can find. Tell it to her straight. Then start tapping your foot, tutting about not being able to leave for dinner yet, because she’s huddled in a pile of clothes sobbing and dribbling mascara up her forearm. You’re no monster, she just needs to realise that all the women the media has ever presented you with were airbrushed godesses, and that you need a fit bird to make the lads jealous and ensure they continue to worship you as Overlord Of Sex. Try telling your little lady that full-body sobs tone the stomach, she loves being able to multi-task, suggest that if she keeps crying long enough she might even need to buy new, smaller clothes, which is a perfect excuse to go shopping. Then sit back and wait for your nominationfor ‘Boyfriend of the Year’ to drop through the door. 1 5
VACUOUS CHAT Auntie Rawlingson's Page ofAgony. Dear Auntie Rawlingson. I feel like all my friends and housemates have spoken about for the last month is their own blissfully happy loved-up lives and pancakes. As a bitter and lactose intolerant person this really gets to me. I'll just be sat in my room trying to get work done and people will literally rush in to show me examples of their perfectly cooked pancakes on to which their significant other has drawn a nauseating heart in maple syrup. I can't walk through campus without seeing friends and their boyfriends cooing at each other, and my Facebook feed is now entirely messages of love, pictures of pancakes, or messages of love written on pancakes. I know it is what Feburary's all about but I'm tired of it. How can I stop the world foisting Feburary upon me? Yours Easily Annoyed ofVic Street. Dear Easily. The trick here is to foist your own more sinister version of Feburary upon others. Consider it your job to widen your friends' limited horizons. In America Feburary is also Black History Month. In England it is LGBT History Month. You can use this to your advantage by tempering your friends' enjoyment of romance and pancakes with ominous references to the continued oppression and discrimination of these two groups. Next time your housemate rushes in and presents you with her perfectly cooked pancake, stare at it for slightly too long and then tell her the burnt bits around the edge remind you of "the sadness in the eyes of "your" people", and that the maple syrup heart reminds you of how hundreds of slaves tried to flee from the "heart" of the South up towards "syrupy Canada" and freedom. Similarly next time you see your friends and their boyfriends making a soppy public show ofValentine's affection, tell them outright how lucky they are to be able to express it publicly. If they ask you what you mean recite any poem by Thom Gunn, and then stare at them humourlessly until they back away. This may or may not teach them that their is more to Feburary than shamltz and pancake batter. But it will almost definitely ensure that they no longer bother you with the details of either. Yours, Auntie Rawlingson. ,
Overheard In and Around the Vicinity. "At the point of climax he screamed "Let me be your Byron" I mean, is that normal?" Female student in the Ram. "I could tell he was going to be a nice guy from the almost shy way he fucked me." - Same student in Ram, possibly different man under discussion. "For the front page we can just make something up, but it has to reflect something topical, and it has to be clever, and it has to be really funny." - Sub-editor helpfully defines satire for us in a pitching session, bringing us exactly no closer to a front-page article. Students in Impy, one doodling on napkin..."Wow, what are you drawing? It's Jesus, right? No Moses?" "Um...it's - it's Hagrid." "I hope one day to have identical twins, I'm going to call them Test Subject and Control Group- or Tessie and Connie!" - Drunk girl in Bowling Green. 1 7
VACUOUS C HAT Is your sex life too gratuitous, disturbing or just generally dire to form the lighthearted sex columns that are such a staple of regular student magazines? Why not put your pain and deviancy to good use by allowing others to laugh at it?
Eventually I snuck in a kiss and, as I’ve said before, I’m a damn good kisser, so she was like butter in my cock... I mean hands.
I convinced Boobzilla to come back to my house and she agreed. We walked home chatting and Sluttin' It. kissing and it was awesome. Back at mine, we proceeded to watch movies, share jokes and I Ah, Valentine’s Day, (Ed. It's still February, this is moved things forward by fondling and kissing her still topical damnit) when couples spend exorbitant breasts (mmm... boobs) and flirtily asked about her amounts of money on trinkets and demand weird old boyfriend. My plan was to get her talking about sexual favours from their spouse. And when the sex she’d had with her ex, in order to: 1) get desperate losers (like me) have a chance with her mind in the mood for more sex, 2) laugh at desperate lonely girls (like you). failings as a sex provider and hint that I would be much better at the sex, like a prostitute giving Haha, I’m kidding... seriously though, you’re consumer advice and 3) suggest that we should sitting in front of the internet reading a terribly have sex. written sex column in a free satire paper: you should probably get out more, or buy more gin and For my non-existent male readers, that’s a boning cats, cat-lady. Wait, do guys read this? I don’t want strategy you can take to the bank! to be sexist, but I doubt it; this thing’s probably too highbrow for dudes... But Boobzilla revealed she had not slept with her long term boyfriend. After much probing, she Anyway, back to my grotesque Valentine’s story. told me that the reason was she had a medical condition that meant her vagina was too small, so Okay, here’s some context: Couple months before I sex was too painful. turned 18, I was in a school play and after a performance we went out and this girl who’d gone She had a medical condition where her vagina was to University the year before had come back to too small. see it and party with us. Anyway, me and The Girl (what shall I call her... Boobarella? No, Boobzilla Her vagina was too small. I think. This girl had big boobs. I like boobs.) Me and Boobzilla chatted and flirted and exchanged Her VAGINA! was TOO SMALL! numbers. Next few months we would text and I convinced her to come back for Valentine’s I tried telling her my penis was also tiny, so it weekend (she’d just broken up with her boyfriend, might fit, but that just made things more awkward. so was feeling all lonely and tender i.e. perfect I don’t know whether what she said was the truth prey) I don’t remember how I convinced her to do or a clever lie to spurn my advances. this. I think I used to be charming, or a hypnotist or something. We didn’t have sex in the end... So she came down on the pretext that we were Happy (Retrospective) Valentines. friends and I’d just turned 18 so we should go for a drink. A few cocktails later, I was doing the whole affectionate hand-holding and back-stroking that tells girls “I am incredibly sexually frustrated but don’t want to spook you”, because girls are like deer, (...which makes my penis a hunting rifle!) 1 8
VACUOUS C HAT Pointless Novelty Quiz!
- This Month - Are Your Parents Secretly Ashamed of You?
With graduation looming the entire editorial team have begun gloomily reflecting on their university careers, and the time has come for you to join them. While it is easy to view yourself as an independent dapper, intellectual type who needs the approval and esteem of no-one, remember that graduation itself will lead to a) seeing your parents again, for the minimum of a day or b) having to move back in with them for anywhere from two months to the rest of your life. With this in mind, your parents' opinions may actually matter again. So let's get right down to the gritty stuff. Are your parents proud of you, or do they secretly wish you had never sprung from their loins? 1. In the course of your time at university have you ever wanked off a stranger on the sofa? a) Yes, frequently b) No, why does this come up in every quiz? c) I charge for that now. The economy, you know. 2. What do you tend to make for dinner? a) Cold pasta with a stock cube stirred through it. b) A balanced, varied meal, small glass of Chianti on the side, garnished with Waitrose celery salt c) beer garnished with beer garnished with tears. 3. Which of the following clubs would you consider joining? a) Amnesty International, it really reflects your growing sense of societal responsibility b) Harry Potter Society, fuck yeah! c) You just keep drifting between Beer Pong and Pole Dancing. 4. What is your satchel full of? a) someone else's vomit b) notes for classes, books for essays c) dolly mixtures and those 35p energy drinks from Saunders. 5. How many times have you been clubbing in the last week? a) Never, I would not dream of sullying my body, mind, and virtue by stepping into one of those piss-soaked dens of iniquity. (Love from, The Editor) b) Once or twice c) I started to have my post forwarded to Arena now 6. When was the last time you were drunk? a) at a mate's 21st b) this morning c) Oh God, when was the last time I was sober? 7. What are your plans for after graduation? a) Continue in acedemia ad infinitum constantly building on and refining my area of expertise until in five years time I am the world's most unemployable expert on symbolist poetry b) getting an actual job. c) Second gap year? Somewhere where the people are so poor, yet their way of life is so rich. Maybe Croydon? 1. a) -3 b) +1 c) +3 2. a) -1 b) +3 c) -3 3. a) +3 b) -1 c) -3 4. a) -4 b) +2 c) -2 5. a) +5 b) -1 c) -50 6. a) -1 b) -3 c) -5 7. a) +1 b) +5 c) -5 15+ - your parents still love you, even if you are an incredibly smug git. 0-15 - Your parents may occasionally sigh as they look at your facebook, but have managed to superimpose mental images of you as a cute baby over pictures of you vomming on a pot plant. -1 to -15 Look at yourself, Student! Did your mother carry you for nine months to see you act this way? Buck your ideas up! -15+ WE are ashamed of you. Your parents gave up long ago. 1 9
Headline That In Some Way Makes Sport Funny or Interesting. Febuary has been a month of dizzying sporting highs and crushing sporting lows. Some matches were won, some were not. Some balls went into the correct hole/goal, other balls did not. Some managers were indited for massive tax evasion, other managers were not. Once again, a positive rollercoaster of sport!