May, Issue 7, www.facebook.com/groups/exetersatire, Twitter @exposedsatire.
Third Years' Ability to Care About Degree and Future Collectively Gives Out At Most Vital Moment. What with the bomb scares, fire and History student, had this to alarm malfunctions and annual say "I first realised that I no longer gave the slightest toss slew of misprints dominating University reporting this exam about my education when, rather than feeling some sort of guilt at season, it has been easy to overlook, what for many, has been my lack of exam preperation, I the most sizeable disruption to just felt pleasingly numb. I kept telling myself, 'it'll kick in the exams: the sudden, exhausted realisation that while they almost night before and you can make up for months of wasted time in one definitely cared about their degrees at some point, possibly spurt of nervous energy'. It didn't. even fairly recently, they no longer I spent the night before my final give a flying fuck whether they exam just sort of slouching pass or fail. Exposed caught up around and staring into space. It with one of the many finalists thus wasn't even the extravagant effected. Kenneth Rennet, English procastination of someone who :
believes what they are putting off is important. I half-heartedly thought that when it came to the crunch my resolve was bound to return. It didn't. on the day itself I just jotted a few things down, hammered it into something that vaugely resembled an exam script, and stopped just short of writing "Fuck it. That'll do!" as my concluding sentence." Kenneth's story is not atypical, and the number of exam script that ended with a scribbled out "Fuck it That will do." this year reached a record high.
HAPPENINGS A Final Word From the Editor
Hello all and welcome to the last ever issue of Exposed. I understand that many of you never wanted Pg 3 - 5 Local Happenings this day to come and that you are even now beginning to mourn our loss. In the months that follow you will Pg 6 - 7 National Happenings read and re-read this issue, lingering desperately on the sports page each time, not wanting the experience NTERVIEW to end. Taking to your beds for days, and going through all the usual shades of grief that attend the end Pg 8 - 9 Exposed Chat with Mark Steel of a year-long, student-run publication. This is really too bad, and I wish you all luck with your misery. ULTURAL ANK Speaking strictly for me, though, this day couldn't have come soon enough! We ran out of ideas for this paper ages ago. Pg 10 - Film With that in mind you will notice that the Eric Pickles is making his second appearance at the bottom of page Pg 11 - Simply The Jest seven. We probably could have used someone else but the thing about Pickles is that he is so visually similar Pg 12 - TV and Radio to a host of inanimate objects and so visually dissimilar to the rest of humanity that it seemed Pg 13 - Literature frankly limiting to include him only once. Other things you can enjoy for the last ever time Pg. 14 - Music include a selection of your reasoned and reasonable opinions on the forum, a guide to crafting a winning dissertation using the power of pretention (my new title is "The Penetrating Darkness of Quasi-Post-Post- Pg 15 - 16 - Miscellanious Lists, Stat Shots and Modern Contemporary Jazz". Discover yours...) and a Cartoons. blow by blow breakdown of the Eurovision Song Contest. You will also find a double page interview with personal idol Mark Steel. Whom the cartoonist and I Pg 17 - Auntie Rawlingson's Page ofAgony, interviewed in a hotel bar earlier this month. An experience only slightly marred by the fact that (as Pg 18 - Slutting It! two twenty-one year olds with a fifty year old man) we were repeatedly mistaken for prostitutes by the Pg 19 - Pointless Novelty Quiz, people on the front desk. It was thrilling. Anyway, goodbye forever, Ed. Ps. Thanks to all contributors and the editorial team. Pg 20 - All The Latest From The World of Sport Pps. Let's just clear up something at this late stage. Our logo is really not a man pissing on a dog (although some days I wish it were.)
HAPPENINGS "What In The Hell Is That Thing?" Students Share Their Opinions On Honest Students Set Up The Forum. Website to Rival Nutrimunch. In the wake of the trail launch of Nutrimunch, an Exeter student-led healthy eating website run by people who perversely and pointlessly care about how they look on the beach, a group of normal and honest Exeter students have hit back with patented website ShitforNoms.com. Rather than containing pages of posturing and unrealistic Above - ÂŁ48 million worth of faint controversy. healthy eating ideals, SFNs Well, the forum is up! And it only took the entirety of our university careers will instead contain to build. This month amid scathing but accurate remarks from Prince Philip submitted recipes detailing ("this is a glorified corridor") and oft-observed popular sentiments ("doesn't what regular students it look like an airport, though?") Exposed took to Corrid-airport's shiny and genuinely live off. It will slightly precarious floor to find out what the average student thinks of the include meal plans for that latest architectural edition to our otherwise suberbly designed campus... end of year staple of Cold "I've heard a lot about it being drawn from airport plans, just like people Pasta with Stock Cube used to say that Lafrowda was drawn from the cell-block plans of an old Stirred Through It, and German prison. But I think it is probably more abstract than that. To my Crisps, Fruit Gums and a mind the long central corridor is reminscent of the journey from life to 'Health Orange' (Ed. Don't death, the exit to the library the Ultimate Exit. Sinister but probable" you hate it when your Philip Giff, Philosophy and Politics. columnists directly record "I can't shake the feeling that this is what you would get if you threw 60 what you ate during the metres of wood pannelling into a branch of the Apple store." - Anonymous editing session, and then "I love the forum, I think it is perfect for the scanning out shot in the crass use you as an example of American-style comic movie of your life. The camera pans away from you poor student nutrition?) while you look upwards towards the sky with your arms outsretched and your voice over says "Yes - I'd made it to university! So long parents! Bring Outrage As Several Exeter on the beer pong!" This Establishing Scene would shortly be followed by Students Attempt to Rub The Queens' Nose in Order the Disappointment and Self-Loathing scene at the back of the Ram." to Have Their Wishes Helen May, English. "Has anyone else noticed that it has pictures of rainbow slinkies drawn on Granted. University Categorically the plate glass if you enter from the back? Seriously! Go and look!" Denies That Design of 'The Daniel Gibbons Sanctuary' was Inspired by "I could write a better forum than this" - Philip Henscher "If you walk down the path opposite you can see one of the hundreds of LSD-fuelled Austin Powers trees they cut down to build it. They have made it into a carved chair cum Marathon. "But what other momento mori. I can't be the only one to find that a little grotesque." explaination is there?" cry Susanne Turner, Law. "All I see is a massive sculpted-shrine to Mamon made out of the money hundred of blinded, disorientated students. they have taken from me." - Tom Lee, Mathamatics and Econometrics 3
Eulogising Mediocrity: The Exposed Editors Look Back Over their Time at Exeter.
Last month the proper editors at Expose cast their upbeat and nostalgic editorial eyes back over their time at Exeter, this month our half-arsed (but still doggedly anonymous) 'editors' do the same... Founder, Editor and God. Sub-Editor and Cartoonist.
"Thanks to Exeter I am nominally a poker playing Communist."
"Hell is empty and all the devils are here."
How has studying in Exeter changed your life? Highlights and lowlights from each year of being It has made my life feel infinitely longer. an Exeter student? Tell us about the societies you joined. 1st year highlight - Everything other than meeting the I joined hundreds and didn't go to any. editor on the second day of term. Someone, possibly the Bursar, communicated to 1st year lowlight - Meeting the editor on the second me very early on that joining societies was day of term. basically the whole point of being at university, and 2nd year highlight - bought like 5 vintage gaming as a result I spent sixty pounds at my first Squash. consoles. This has always rankled and I've devoted no small 2nd year lowlight - Almost failed my degree. part of the last three years to earning that money 3rd year highlight - got to do a special nerd module back by stealing small objects from around on comic books. campus. I'm pretty sure that if I can sneak my 3rd year lowlight - had to spend literally hours of my graduation hat out then we will be square. (I say life proof-reading a poorly spelled satirical magazine square, what I mean obviously is that I will be (Ed. to little effect, clearly.) down nine grand, but the extra ÂŁ60 will be If you could start university again, what would accounted for.) you do differently? Anyway, in my mad society joining frenzy, I I would have realised how little of first year matters basically threw my money at societies I had no and spent more of it being drunk. interest in or natural propensity for. I can't play I would subsequently have realised that second year poker or do communism but that didn't seem to does, in fact, matter, and would have spent less of it deter either society from welcoming me in to their being drunk. respective folds. I would probably have participated in worthwhile Disapointingly the only society I really wanted to things more, instead of standing to one side and be part of - Jewish Soc - wouldn't have me on taking the piss. However, I stand by every single account of my not being Jewish. Using their society tasteless "on the rag" joke I made about Raising and as a way to meet Jewish men is apparently frowned Giving. upon - for some reason. Still, thanks to Exeter I am I might also have realised that rahs are real people at least nominally a poker playing communist, and with real emotions, failings, longings and dreams, and that has got to be worth ÂŁ60 on some level. spent less time mercilessly mocking them and their Plans for after graduation. voluminous hair. But that is unlikely. I plan to put on a beret and starve, like every other Sum up Exeter in a sentence. Arts graduate. Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 4
HAPPENINGS Sub-Editor and Conscience.
Sub-Editor and Pervert
"My favourite memory of Exeter will always be driving away from it"
"If I ever had to describe disappointment, I would point to a 'Cheesy Tuesday.'"
What were your first impressions of Exeter? As I lived in tiny, cheap little halls off campus that no-one had heard of, and could barely pronounce, I was immediately a social outcast. The one that always arrived late, red-faced and sweaty to lectures. Thus I found it difficult to bond with my course mates, who strolled two minutes down a flat road munching croissants and flicking their lengthy manes in sickening unison. Fortunately, my life was saved by a group of like-minded individuals, who shared my passion for jumping off bridges, throwing oneself down massive rapids, and nudity. My favourite memory of Exeter will always be driving away from it, with a pile of kayaks on the roof, off to face dangerous, alcohol fuelled adventures. Did you enjoy your course? Well, due to astronomical rents and the shocking fact that Daddy didn’t pay, the majority of my week was spent (not in intellectually-stimulating seminars as I imagined) but waitressing in a local Chinese restaurant. It was comforting to know, however, that whatever I wrote for essays, whether I spent two solid weeks in the library or wrote it on a back of a napkin while various people yelled at me in Chinese, I would always end up with a 2:1. Any advice to new students? Don’t just “make friends” with people from your corridor because it is easy, half way through the year you’ll realise that actually you despise them. Unfortunately by that point you' will have signed a contract binding you within a four metre radius of them for another two years and you’ll have to use any excuse to leave the house, such as volunteering to mop up freshers' vomit in Welcome Week or writing for a poorly spelled satirical paper.
Where’s your favourite place in Exeter? Arena, because it is the best place in Exeter to study all that is disturbing in human behaviour. Seeing people doll themselves up to participate in the proverbial meat-market, or acting out their strange and uninhibited desires is always a good reminder of the worst aspects of modern culture. I think if I ever had to describe the abstract concept of disappointment, I would point to a “Cheesy Tuesday.” Disclaimer: my antipathy towards Arena has nothing to do with the fact I’ve never managed to hook up with a lady while there. Honest. How did your course live up to expectations? Piss poorly. After three years I care less about history, politics and learning in general than ever before. When I look back at university, the things I will fondly remember are the people I met, the societies I joined, and that weird sex column I wrote, and will remember with scorn the lack of contact hours, the obscure, backwards marking system, and fucking Post-Modernism. Are you looking forward to graduation? Actually, yes. Meeting Floella Benjamin could be hilarious, especially if she wears one of those sexy outfits from her Playschool days. (Ed. Is that where it all started? How disturbing.) And you never know, I think we might have a spark, or a connection. Despite the age difference, we could make it work. If you’re reading this Floella, (Ed. she almost definitely is) please know, you can have me any time. Sadly, I missed getting a Grad Ball ticket. Meaning that I won't get to awkwardly say goodbye to people I barely know or like (or actively hate), while spending stupid amounts of money on a suit! 5
"Marriage is Between One Man and One Woman" says Republican Candidate Mitt Romney from his Mormon Polygamy Shack in Central Utah. Tony Blair Speaks for Four Hours at Leveson Without Hesitation, Repetition or Deviating From the Subject In An Attempt To Liven Up Proceedings. "And a point to Tony there for keeping going until the whistle went! Hislop buzzed in midway through with a charge of gross hypocrisy, but I'm afraid it doesn't count within the rules of the game, Ian." - Nicholas Parson Nation Fails To Appreciate the Depressing Undertones of the Fact that a Dog is Now The Most Talented Among Us. In the Wake of the Stirring Popularity ofTom Watson's "The Ladder of Law has No Top and No Bottom" Speech, Miliband Rules that all Opposition Statements be Drawn from the Lyrics of Bob Dylan. "The Tories' views on the deficit are like the mad mystic hammerings of the wild ripping hail! The Prime Minister's bedroom window is made out bricks and, I have heard tell, the national guard stands around his door! ...Basically we expect future commons debates to be confusing and obscure though pleasingly poetic." said a Labour Party Spokesman while polishing his debating harmonica.
Rebeka Brooks Cynically Exploits Own Hair In Attempt to MisDirect Public Criticism.
Former NotW chief and all-round tit Rebekah Brooks was the target of a new wave of allegations this month as witnesses at the neverending Leveson enquiry accused her of "deliberately overplaying her ridiculous physicality" in order to channel public criticism away from her deeply suspect track record with News International and towards her slightly frightening, pseudo-occult appearance. A spokesperson for the enquiry stated "It's been apparent for too long now that Rebekah is using her distressing face and hair to flagrantly distract the media and public from her equally distressing morality. Look back over the course of the enquiry and you can observe a direct correspondence between the seriousness of the charges levied against Brooks and the size and sheer extravagance of her mane." Suspicions were compounded when, the day following the press coverage of "horse-gate", Brooks actually began weaving small and distracting objects into her mass of hair such as tiny shells and clippings from back-dated issues of New of the World in a dogged attempt to pull focus. The success of her actions cannot be denied. "It's worked! Very few people are able with any accuracy to convey what Rebekah has done" continued the Leveson mouth-piece, "though most people when her name comes up in conversation will wave their hands emphatically at the sides of their heads as if to say "oh yeah, that bitch, I find her weird hair really morally reprehensible". Similarly there has hardly been a news paper report that has not preceeded her name with the words "voluminous Titian" or "gingery hairball" and made reams upon reams of puns before mentioning in a post-script the fact that both hair and woman have been arrested and charged with overseeing masscorruption." "The thing people keep forgetting about Rebekah is that if there is one thing she knows about, it's the directional habits of the media. You can't spend your professional life perpetuating Page 3, and not realise that your appearence as a lady-woman will proudly march before your behaviour as a human. And the sooner everyone focuses in on the latter, the sooner this enquiry can finally end. We know it's hard but ignore her hair. Don't give her what she wants. We would say that she was both figurativly and literally hiding behind it, if that sort of pun didn't play directly into her phone-hacking, privacy invading, course of justice perverting little hands." ,
HAPPENINGS Nation Finally Finds Political Cause Worth Protesting About.
Above - Flakey bastion of national passion. This week saw widespread jubliation as the nation collectively hit upon a cause that it felt was worth protesting about for once. The general mood of celebration and social empowerment was only slightly dampened by the fact said cause was the exact price of a cornish pasty as opposed to say, something even slightly important. Nevertheless, for the majority of the UK populace the issue was taken up as the most heartfelt cris de coeur of their lives so far, and billions took to the street or wrote to The Sun, whichever they felt was most effective. "I'd march on Whitehall before even thinking about paying the pasty tax - or I would do if my inordinate cosumption of delicious pasties hadn't rendered me unable to march." one pithy protester wrote on a banner which he hung provocatively in the
window of his local Greggs. Perhaps understandably given the excitable national climate, the government's u-turn on the issue was widely heralded as proof ofThe Power ofThe People. "There is no denying it" said spokesman for the nation and all round pasty-fanatic Jonathan Trelawney while cradling his own expansive collection of pasties to his chest and cooing at them. "This whole thing basically proves that we are living in a fair, balanced, pluralistic democracy." Despite appearances however, not everyone was convinced. General whinger and maligned pastyskeptic Daniel Benet had this to say "I love pasties as much as everyone else suddenly seems to, but it's a bit of a token victory, isn't it? Sure, on the surface it looks like public protest has been registered and reacted to by a balanced and receptive government, but on the most insignifigant topic imaginable! I can't be the only person who is concerned that this is going to be tossed back in our crumb-flecked faces at some horrible point in the future, when we are all marching against another war, or campaigning over the Coalition's new sterilisation programme, and Cameron turns to us and says, "well guys, I'd love to take your views into account, but if you think back you will remember that we've listened to your views on public policy once already, so no complaining, can't call us undemocratic. Now go home, enjoy your pleasantly cheap pasties and try not to think about my increasingly fascistic leanings." :
Separated at Birth?
Our Editor's Thumb (with Crude Facial Features Drawn on in Biro.)
Corpulent, thumb-like MP for Brentwood and Ongar, Eric Pickles. 7
INTERVIEW Earlier this month Exposed caught up with Radio 4 giant, left-winger and all round comedy legend Mark Steel after his gig in Taunton where in spite of the editor's cringy idolisation of him, (Ed. oh god, the memories!) we managed to conduct the following interview over some cider... Are you enjoying Taunton? And do you like this sort of small, personal gig that is tailored to a specific town? Yeah – I mean, it’s hard work, but it’s really good fun. It’s different every night, and you’re never finished. In about five minutes time, Taunton will be a distant memory to me, and I’ll be thinking about Bridport. Like some gunslinger that rides into town, has his way with the damsels – yeah, I feel a bit like that. "Taunton, you’re nothing to me now! All my thoughts are with Bridport!" - well, until tomorrow night, and then they’ll be with wherever I am next. Has there been anywhere that’s charmed you, in an odd way? Against your better instinct, maybe? I think, of the places that I’ve done on the radio series (Mark Steel's In Town) – with those places I do spend a lot of time there, do a lot of research there, loads of books and things – and I think they all charm me, really. Basingstoke didn’t! But even there, there were some brilliant people. I’d really love to go back to Orkney for a few days. You can sort of see a place in two or three days – after two or three days you pretty much know somewhere, don’t you? But Orkney felt bigger than that. Do you have any comedy idols? Wiki cites your only influence as Tony Cliff – politically fitting, but maybe not a laugh a minute! Oh, but he was great at jokes! Really? He was cracking at jokes! He had a brilliant sense of timing. And a great sense of mischief as well hilarious. I remember when he was about seventy, he had this big birthday party, and he got this board, and he’d written out on it in Hebrew, but our letters, so the sound was Hebrew, the words of a birthday song he used to sing as a kid. And he said “I want you to sing all this!” and he got everyone to sing it. Then he said, “I’ll tell you the translation: I want a woman, I want a woman, she is mine, I want to keep her, she does what I say. I made you sing it! I made you sing it!” He was funny – he was just so Jewish, with all these jokes – all the little quips and things. One he used to tell me every now and again – “Mark, how do you know that Jesus was Jewish? He went into his father’s business, he stayed at home until he was 30, and his mother thought he was god! Haha.” But other than Cliff, no-one else? Most comics my age will say Richard Pryor, I think – and Alexei Sayle. Funnily enough, my lad watched 8
Richard Pryor, and he didn’t really get him. I think it’s because often, the people who are the first – they do the hard work, they make stuff happen. And when everybody else sees how to do it from them, years go by and they become much more accomplished at it. Alexei Sayle, he was astonishing. I can see now, if you’ve watched all the comics for the last 20 years, you might look back on him and go, "why is that better than all the stuff that’s gone since?" And it probably isn’t, but it was brilliant because that was back when people thought that comics were just people who came out, told jokes, thousands of jokes, and then he’s come out and done this huge, sort of load of sweary, ranty, screamy characters and things, - dancing! I’d never seen anything like it. It was really exciting. Up until him comics were – I mean they were good - but they were people like Tommy Cooper. Is there anything that so riles you politically that you wouldn’t be able to draw humour from it? Anything untouchable, that you wouldn’t go near? No, I don’t think so. It annoys me when you get these sort of things that come up periodically and they say “oh, there’s just some things you shouldn’t joke about”, and I think, “what, so you can only make jokes about things that don’t matter?” That’s stupid, isn’t it? That’s ridiculous! And here you are, Tony Cliff was Jewish, lost loads of his family in the Holocaust, still jokes about it. It doesn’t mean it’s taking it lightly to make a joke about it, the very opposite. You wouldn’t say that there’s some subjects you can’t make a play about to a playwright, you wouldn’t say to Steven Spielberg, (with exasperated sigh) “how can you make a film about the Holocaust? That’s disgusting! You shouldn’t make films about that”. But it’s assumed that comedy is sort of, a lesser "
That it’s going to depreciate it in some way. Yes, exactly! What do you think it is about satire, or comedy, that makes it so important, and do you think it’s almost more powerful than straightforward political discourse and speech making? I don’t know if it is powerful. I don’t think that is the intention of many people who do it, or it shouldn't be. I don’t really think you should start out by thinking, “I want to have an effect with this, I want to have an impact with that”. I don’t know. I wouldn’t, anyway. People who do start out like that, - you’ll get some sort of fringe theatre-y thing, trying to change the masses - they fail completely, because it’s pompous, and it’s hectoring, and it’s… I don’t know, I think you should just do it because you fancy doing it, really. Comedy’s full of pretty selfish people. Even say, Private Eye, for example, which is the most effective sort of satirical thing – but then it’s not the satire that has the greatest impact, is it? In Private Eye it’s the old-fashioned journalism that has the effect. The jokey bits – maybe if you’re very lucky will tap into something - and Spitting Image did famously, a couple of times but we’re way behind America, for this really. Did you ever see the Daily Show? Yeah, Jon Stewart. Yeah, that’s way beyond anything we’ve got here. And yet somehow you’d think with the current political situation, it would be booming. It should be, shouldn’t it?! I mean there is always Armando Iannucci's The Thick of It, and they tried it a bit on the channel 4 (10 O'Clock Live), David Mitchell I think, could certainly be effective, because he does know about it, and cares. But it is strange that there isn’t anything more. I think there really should be.
CULTURAL WANK Film
Snow White and the Huntsman Dir. Rupert Sanders. Starring. Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron. I find seeing a film before you review it prejudices one so. I haven't and will never watch the dreadfulness that is Snow White and the Huntsman, so this is going to be less a review and more a series of bullet points telling you how I know that this film is going to be an unmitigated shit-pile. Enjoy! 1. The plot hinges around the supposition that Kristen Stewart is, or will ever be, hotter than Charlize Theron. This is evidently not the case meaning that the entire film is based around a huge logical fallacy. Also, Charlize could take Kristen in a fight, easily. So why even bother with this huntsman business. Charlize is all tall and muscular and glamazon-tastic, and Kristen Stewart, well she is forever standing around, wispy, waifish, projecting an aura of "Hey. I am here. I suppose. Maybe", like a sigh given human form. 2. Whilst they have hired actual dwarves to play the seven dwarves, they have then proceeded to get the faces of five famous actors and project them onto the bodies of said dwarves. That is pretty much a dick move. Whilst Tim Burton's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory only used one little person for the roles of all the oompa-loompas, at least they showed his face. And there is such a talent pool they could have accessed among the little people community - Tom Cruise, Prince, Nicolas Sarcozy, all of them used to being upstaged by tall waifish brunettes. 3. Chris Hemsworth's hair looks really manky in it. Maybe we are meant to assume that he has oiled it with deer's-blood or someother occupational unguent but it is not all flowing and touchable like when he was in Thor or The Avengers and this make me sad. 4. The forest spirit from Princess Mononoke is in it for some reason and will just remind viewers of a better film, leaving them miserable and despondent when they realise the extent of the discrepancy between the two. 6. Necrophilia isn't sexy. I know Twilight has conditioned a generation of young girls in to thinking that cold, unresponsive marble is what they want in a lover, but making out with statues and/or corpses, like everyone in this film seems to be doing every other scene just gets really boring really quickly. It is tiresome when films play so shamelessly to the pre-teen pervert market. 7. The film will be robbed of any dramatic tension by the fact that one can never tell if Kristen Stewart is alive or dead. 1 0
CULTURAL WANK Simply The Jest - Their Thoughts and Musings. Simply the Jest (Exeter University’s 42nd best comedy-sketchtroupe-with-seven-or-more-members) are looking ahead to the summer and a timely threat to our cultural choke-hold on the United Kingdom. We are talking of course about some low-rent sporting event in Stratford. No, not the Hackney Marsh Over-50’s Mud Wrestling, but the over-indulgent, over-priced, under-sexed fortnight that is the London Olympics. The Olympic Park appears as the corporate meeting place of some of the world’s most evil conglomerates, including Coke Cole, McFondles and George Formby’s Lean Mean Grilling Machine (names have been changed to avoid law-suits). Simply the Jest would never bow to corporate pressure and accept a sponsorship deal, although, on an unrelated note, we would like to take this opportunity to promote Riweena, Exeter’s refreshing and absorbent answer to both its berry and sanitary issues – and now Riweena is available tampon-free. In response to this and, according to our lawyers, in order to protect the local businesses of Exeter, Simply the Jest have branched out into the world of wildly unjustified protesting, just in time for the Olympic flame to pass through our innocent city. Our elaborate plan involved snatching the flame from a Konnie Huq look-a-like as it entered Exeter and using it to set fire to the dreams of school children everywhere, but specifically those children of St Peter's Church of England Primary School, Budleigh Salterton, as we planned to torch their head teacher. Unfortunately our plan was foiled by the cunning deployment of generous employees of Nature Rally. How often do you get a free Canadian Maple Syrup bar? Never we imagine. We may have been feeling incensed and treasonous about product placement, but we’re not idiots. So as we sit here, surrounded by oats, honey, and failure, we feel that Simply the Protest might not have been as successful as we’d hoped. We have only been able to watch on our TV screens as the torch relay makes its way through Wales and into Ireland, leaving us to reflect on what might’ve been. You, astute reader, may have noticed that this period of reflection has taken us at least three weeks, during which time many other events have moved in and whipped up the West Country into collective hysteria. The Diamond Jubilee. Eurovision. The Joint Devon Pasty-Tossing and Pig-Mucking Fiesta 2012. Through such a cultural spray of swine shit and trashy euro-pop, many of our fellow residents will be blinded to the continuing global effect of such devious multinationals. We will still have the last laugh however. The Olympic planning committee made one fateful error in their poorly thought through scheduling: they overlooked the Simply the Jest gig at the Bedford Pub, in Balham on the night of July 28th. This will mean that attendance at the Male Artistic Gymnastics Qualification (Subdivision 3) will be grossly reduced by the masses flocking to watch our special brand of sketch comedy. At least that’s what we’re hoping if we want our deal with Riweena to continue. So as our Exposed column is inevitably passed onto the 41st best comedy-sketch-troupe-with-seven-ormore-members, we bid you farewell but not before a quick reminder to see below for details of our next show. We’re sure you’ll agree it’s been a pleasure for everyone except, of course, Mark Rylance. Lots of love, Simply the Jest Simply the Jest are performing at the BikeShed on 30th May, 27th June and 4th July; The Bedford Pub, Balham, London on 28th July and Chiquito Restaurant, Edinburgh 10th25th August 11
CULTURAL WANK TV and Radio Eurovision 2012 ***** Throughout Eurovision I was drunk and tweeting prolifically. From these tweets I have tried to reconstruct a memory of the evening. But all I really remember is screaming "Vote Manboat!” and “I hate Sweden except for Moomins”. So let’s do this with very selective acts... UK – Englebert Humperdink. Points: 12 Oh Humpy. Can I call you Humpy? You just weren’t playing the game, were you? You do realise that winning Eurovision is about tapping into the innermost, campest part of your soul, right? Where were the fireworks? Where were the skintight metallic costumes? I expected better of you, Humpy. Humpster. Humpomatic. Humpalicious. Darling. Russia – Buranovskiye Babushki. Points: 259 Yes! This, this was amazing. Mildly malevolent Russian grannies sing about how their cat is happy, their dog is happy, party for everybody, come on and boom boom. It changed my life. There was a spinning oven in the background. Why? You decide! The fact that this was beaten by Sweden is a travesty which shall be addressed in due course. Iceland – Greta Salome & Jonsi. Points: 46 Two soulless muppets sing about love and how they can’t be together or some crap. One line sounded like “where’s the monkey I used to know”, a question which they never answered. Estonia – Ott Lepland. Points: 120 This song took me on an emotional journey. From “is this not the guy from Iceland again?” to “Really expecting a tearaway costume. Would be the only thing to redeem this”. All the emotions, really. Greece – Eleftheria Eleftheriou. Points: 64 This starts off with the singer claiming that her paramour makes her feel “alright”, which I’d class as the romantic sentiment of the year. Later on she claims that he makes her “dance like a maniac”. A maniac on the floor? Germany – Roman Lob. Points: 110 This is one of those men grown in a vat to be a member of a boyband. Today is his first day outside of his development tank. That’s why he looks so impressed and confused by everything. All he can do is sing the word “guuuuurl!” and wear hats, he should never have been released. Serbia – Zeljko Joksimovic. Points: 214 The song’s title: “Love is not a thing”. That is very true. Love is a concept. Love is this grape, left to rot in a cracked Ming Dynasty vase. Very deep. Made me think. A++. Sweden – Loreen. Points: 372 The fact that this one won makes me want to punch Loreen in her haircut. Her music's the equivalent of being served tea which has been made not with boiling but lukewarm water and also some urine. I have not been able to look my Swedish friends in the eye since she won, but then again Loreen is unable to look anyone in the eye because of her stupid fringe, so perhaps that is fitting. Halfway through the song a ninja comes on stage and tries to kick her in the head. I am disappointed that he didn't succeed. Turkey – Can Bonomo. Points: 112 MANBOAT! MANBOAT! HOW DID THIS NOT WIN? IT WAS THE GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER ENCOUNTERED. BETTER THAN THE RUSSIAN GRANNIES. From the wonderfully camp singer, to the incomprehensible lyrics (“like me like I like you and say na naninaninanina”), to the fact that the backing singers FORMED A HUMAN BOAT WITH SAILS! This song can change the world. I have memorised it in its entirity and shall soon assemble my own manboat. MANBOAT 2012. VOTE MANBOAT. Spain – Pastora Soler. Points: 97 I don’t care about this one. It wasn’t the manboat. 1 2
CULTURAL WANK Literature
Upcoming Adaptations With the recent sale of the film rights to the groundbreaking modern classic 'Fifty Shades of Grey' for a truly nihilism-inducing amount of money, today's literary market could not be more open to cinematic adaptation. In this spirit of glasnost between literary and filmic schools, Exposed has an exclusive look at the next three books currently being optioned as major motion pictures. 1.'The Lost Girls'. Zach Snyder et al. take the next step in their campaign to rape the entirety ofAlan Moore's catalogue right on the altar of the Great Serpent. All nudity has been stripped from the script in pursuit of a 12a certificate, resulting in a running time of 35 minutes, or 2 hours 20 minutes with slowmotion. However, fans can still expect the same stickily uncomfortable sexualisation of their beloved childhood stories the graphic novel boasted. The vagina squid, happily, is at least half present. 2.'Sense and Sensibility'. This remake of a remake of a remake has been produced in direct response to the recession Britain is currently experiencing. Funded entirely by the apology-donations of City bankers, 'Sense and Sensibility' provides every single British actor currently working with a guaranteed role, thus reducing levels of unemployment. Director and Keeper of the Public Purse S.M. Guy attributed ITV's 'Downton Abbey' to the decision to make yet another period drama. "If we've learned anything from the success of Downton in the US," Guy stated at a press junket last month, "it's that anything posh and old is like platinum-coated crack for our neighbours across the pond, irrespective of quality. We knew if we could option something with sufficiently impractical costumes and stick everyone in a country house we'd make millions in overseas royalties, simultaneously wiping out the national debt and creating hundreds of jobs for people who took media studies degrees. They'll be getting the tea." 3.'Tove Jansson's Moomin'. With the cinematic revival of childhood staples such as Tintin, G.I. Joe, and Transformers in gritty, realistic forms more palatable to a generation of dead-eyed prepubescent technophiles paralysed by helicopter parenting and a crushing awareness of the cruelty and danger of the world, it seems only natural that 'The Moomins' would be given the same treatment. Veteran gritmaker Guy Ritchie renders Jansson's Moomin Valley a lawless postapocalyptic desert populated entirely by anarchic monsters and ronin-esque hunter-travellers. Expertly rendered in cutting-edge CG and ruined by last-minute Above; The Snork Maiden picks poseys. In Ritchie's 3D conversion, Ritchie's 'Moomin' promises to be a upcoming adaptation the posey elements in the scene tense, blood-soaked re-imagining of the children's will be played down in favour of twelve minutes of classic. Certificate 18. cockney shouting and a murder-suicide. Yet More Genuine Titles From the Main Library... He Took my Kidney, then Broke my Heart'. An Irrational Hatred of Luton Why is John Lennon Wearing a Skirt? When Body Language Goes Bad The Dark Knight of the Soul: Batman and Philosophy.
I Never Met a Man I Didn't Lick. Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang Beware, the Snowman The Young Penguin Lies Screaming The Rich Bastard's Guide to Los Angeles 1 3
CULTURAL WANK Music.
Top 5 Most Painful Song Lyrics Genuine Album Cover of the Month. This month it's Freddie Gage's straightforward 1970s 1. Girl I got you so wet, it’s like a rainforest, like offering "All My Friends Are Dead." Jurassic Park, except I’m your Sexasaurus, baby – R Kelly, The Zoo 2. I swam across. I jumped across for you, oh all the things you do, cause you were all yellow – Coldplay, Yellow 3. I could be your Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe, I’ll make you shine bright like you’re laying in the snow- Justin Beiber, Boyfriend 4. And I met a girl, she asked me my name, I told her what it was – Razorlight, Somewhere Else 5. Did them things that couples do when they’re in love (you know) walks on the beach and stuff (you know) – Black Eyed Peas, Shut Up Nicki Minaj Lyrics Translated. I'm on the floor, floor/ I love to dance/ So give me more more, till I can't stand - If there is one thing I love to do it is dancing on the dance floor! This said, please give me so much alchohol that I can no longer do this. I, Nicki Minaj, am full of contradictions. Jump in my hoopty hoopty hoop - ??? You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (stupid, stupid) /You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)/ You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe (you stupid, stupid)/(stupid, stupid) - Oh! You stupid hoe, you! Stupid hoes is my enemy,/ Stupid hoes is so wack,/ Stupid hoes should've befriended me, - Even though I fucking hate stupid hoes, as I hope I have made clear so far in this song, I secretly I wish they would be my friends as I think a lot of my anger towards them springs from a very lonely place. I, Nicki Minaj, am full of contradictions. I get it crackin' like a bad back - I find groteque chiropractic smilies are one of the few things that can accurately convey how dynamic and sexy I am. Bitches play the back cause they know I'm the front man/ Put me on the dollar cause I'm who they trusting - Recently my friends have been shy and wallflowerish. I think they have been intimidated ever since I declared myself God, and rightly so.
Maximising Your Dissertation Pretensial. So. Third years. You've handed in your dissertation. It took a lot out of you. Physically, mentally, emotionally. You may have at one point noticed you were the only non-Asian in a library room, felt like a massive racist, and entered a fit of self-flagellation. But it's done now. You may have handed in an unmitigated wankpile, but it's done. What you didn't know is that all your hard work is nothing without a pretentious title. Now, now, put down that flagellatin' whip. It's okay. So you titled your work "An Investigation into the Female Voice in Southern Literature" when you should have called it "'I Feel Like A Hot Blind Seed: Women, Womenly Women and the Discourse ofWomenly Women in The Hot Blind South." I'm sure you'll be fulfilled working at that Starbucks. See, the key to a winning dissertation is maximising your potential for pretention, or, as I like to call it, your pretential (tm). With the judicious application of a little word science, you too can have the pretentious dissertation title of your dreams. Because, with all that marking to do, it's likely your tutor will judge your dissertation by its title, then fob it off onto some PhD student who likes to feel smarter by trashing the works of others.There, there. I know it's hard. But you can get through this. Now, second years. All bright-eyed and lovely. You can use this knowledge to your advantage. Screw original content, peerless referencing, or engaging with critics in new and intriguing ways. All you need to do is maximise your pretential. Consult the following and pick from each banded section...
VACUOUS CHAT Auntie Rawlingson's Page ofAgony.
Dear Auntie Rawlingson. Like many people at Exeter I misguidedly took a non-vocational degree, and I really haven't worked out what I want to do with my life! I was sure everything would have fallen into place by now but here we are a few months from graduation and I still haven't the faintest idea. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about this and, as the wonderful Baz Luhrmann says, "the most interesting people don't know what they want to do with their lives at 21" but I can't help but feel a little worried. Can you help me? I think I would like to do something interesting and challenging but have no idea what I am suited to. Any suggestions? Yours, Directionless of Devon, Dear Directionless. What?! You are telling me you do not know what you want to do?! How can you get this far in life and not know that?! What do you mean you shouldn't feel guilty? You are shit and you should feel shit, you purposeless drifter! Right, now we have got that out of the way, my first and foremost suggestion would be to stop placating yourself with advice taken from shmaltzy pseudo-inspirational songs - Baz Luhrman is, and always will be, full of mawkish crap. Also your view of the world of work seems to be based on a series of flawed assumptions. Like the idea that the job that you intend to hold for the majority of your life can ever be interesting or challenging for longer than the first year, tops, or that anyone is suited to what they do. Nothing could be further from the truth, with this in mind I have picked the following genuine professions at random for you. They all look like they would be challenging and interesting for a while at least. Put your finger blindly on the page and the one you pick will be the one you do. Good luck! (Readers are actively encouraged to do the same, whether they have a career plan or not. Your choice is final.) - Elephant washer Porn Industry Fluffer - Glass eye maker - Pool Cleaner - Possum Exterminator (steady work in the American mid-west) - Snake milker (also vital, never out of work as a snake milker.) - Fortune cookie writer - Mastubating Animals for Insemination-er - Teacher - Farmhand - Agony Aunt. Yours, Auntie Rawlingson.
Overheard In and Around the Vicinity. "What? The Enchanted Ball is this week? Crap! I have to buy a dress... and get a hair cut... and lose some weight... and become a much, much more interesting person!" - Girl in the library prepares thoroughly for an evening on the pull. "My God! This book is taking forever! "Is he still on the road?" "I don't think he ever gets off the bloody road!" - Girls in highstreet seemingly unimpressed by modern classic. "I would give anything for my degree to be handed to me by both Floella and the Why Bird." Future graduate speaking for us all. "I think when I graduate I'm joining the Army, I like the idea of organising death, and if I get into the Officer Corps then I have 30 whole lives at my disposal. So I'm probably going to do that... or maybe teaching." - worrying boy in Impy. 1 7
VACUOUS C HAT Is your sex life too gratuitous, disturbing or just generally dire to form the lighthearted sex columns that are such a staple of regular student magazines? Why not put your pain and deviancy to good use by allowing others to laugh at it? Sluttin' It. This column has probably created a mental image of your humble reporter as some sort of modern day Casanova. (Ed. Definitely!) Well, sorry to disappoint you ladies (and gents who are that way inclined, no prejudice here) but I was not always the luscious, nubile Lothario strutting the streets of Exeter. No I was once just like you, experiencing the same emotions you are probably feeling right now: confused, awkward, mildly to hand-downpants aroused. My friends, the only way to move on to the next stage of sexual evolution is have lots of terrible, embarrassing, awful experiences with your respective gender of desire. So that is what I am going to devote this final column to. And first experiences are the most important. My first experience of flirting with the fairer sex occurred when I began getting the bus to secondary school. There was a dark-haired girl who also got the bus to a nearby school and we occasionally chatted. She said I laughed like a freak and had an ugly face. I was smitten. However, my advances were turned down (and not even by her: her friend came and told me she would never go on a date with me). Looking back, I probably ruined my chances when I decided to text her anonymously: I thought I could intrigue her by sending a few hilarious knock-knock jokes, followed by a killer “knock-knock, who’s there, the most beautiful girl in the world, the most de-de-de world who? YOU! XOXO” Maybe this didn’t work because it was the act of a creepy stalker... or possibly because it just wasn’t funny. A key first experience everyone should go through is flirting with a shop till worker. Standing in a queue gives you sufficient opportunity to ogle and judge them, while planning your first flirtatious thrust. The ability to engage with someone and exchange sexually charged pleasantries as you exchange cash for goods is a valuable skill. Unless you fuck it up royally. I used to buy comic books every week from my local WH Smith. There was a 1 8
blonde big-boobed cashier and we often exchanged coquettish glances and smiles as she scanned my copy of Spider-man (not an innuendo). Eventually the sexual tension grew to boiling point, and she asked me coyly “you buy a lot of comic books don’t you?” For many, this would be an invitation to an engaging discussion, or the set-up for a witty punch-line. Of all the possible responses that popped into my head, I chose an absolutely charming gem: “Yeah... I don’t have many friends.” I left the shop and found a new WH Smith. On a similar note, first impressions count for a lot. The first time I met the girl who I would be with for 8 months during my heady teenage years (not an innuendo) we had gathered with friends at a park. As I cycled into view, I hit a bump and toppled off my bike hard, smashing into the floor. Pity is a good first impression to leave people with, because pity often leads to pity sex (unless, you know, the person is your boss or the family of your partner or something). The first kiss I had at university is not just something I’m embarrassed about, but am actively ashamed of. There was a wonderful brunette I meant in my halls of residence, who I became friends with. University, for her, was a chance for a new life, and what she needed was support and people she could trust. I horribly abused that trust. On a night out, despite her kindness in explaining that she was not ready for a relationship and just wanting to be friends, I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me, expecting her defences to crumble as I kissed her, like something from a black’n’white movie. At first she would try to beat me off but then I would kiss her so hard I bruised her teeth and she would melt. She did not melt. She was shocked and hurt, and if she's reading this, I’m truly sorry. Not sorry to the girl whose cat like dry-humping I described in these column inches mind, nor to the third year I tricked into bed with me, nor to the freakishly small tongued girl I told the reading public about, but genuinely sorry for my misguided movie kiss. See, I'm quite a nice bloke really.
VACUOUS C HAT Pointless Novelty Quiz!
- This Month - Are You A Fairweather Royalist?
What with the Queen's visit to campus, and the Jubilee weekend, we all have Queen fever here at Exposed. The symptoms are hats, a fascination with corgis, and a perpetual wrist spasm. However, we are aware that there are those who usually couldn't care less about the monarchy, but the moment there's a chance to act like a super-patriotic, nationalist cock, filling their Facebook feed with blurry pictures of the monarchy standing around campus and hanging Union Jack bunting, they do so. Are you one of those people? 1 Do you ever have a wank on the sofa whilst thinking of the Queen? a) Oh my yes, she must have powerful wrists from all that waving. b) It’s her or Maggie. They don’t call her the iron lady for nothing. c) No, I think of normal people, like whatshisname from some band. d) No, I wank in conventional places, like the library. 2 How many royals can you name? a) Well, there’s the Queen, that racist one, Jim, the one with the arse, and oh! The drunk one, and the one who likes horses. But maybe they’re the same person. b) There’s more than just the Queen? c) I have the entire royal family’s lineage tattooed on my thigh. d) I am the royal family. It is me. 3 How does one address the Queen? a) Your Grace b) My lady c) Your Majesty, then Ma’am d) Sir e) Alright, me lover? 4 What was your reaction to finding out the queen was visiting? a) Finally I can show her all those stamps I’ve been collecting. Her beautiful profile, sagging over the years. I have arranged them into a flipbook which I shall display to her whilst shouting “THE RAVAGES OF TIME!” b) Yup, I'm gonna get drunk today, c) I can show her my CV and then put the fact that I have shown her my CV on my CV! Joy! d) She’s coming here? To Exeter? Why? 5 When you see union-jack patterned goods, do you... a) Buy them all, as they match your house’s décor b) Avoid them, feeling like a smug republican bastard c) Buy them all, as they match your pubic hair d) Buy whichever ones are cheaper than regular goods 6 Have you ever emulated Prince Philip by being uncomfortably racist to all around you? a) Unlike him I actually have a soul. b) Hmm, yes, organic cheese. c) What a lovely tribal dance. d) Golliwogs. 1.a) +1 b) +1 c) 0 d) 0 2.a) +3 b) +2 c) 0 d) 0 3.a) +2 b) +2 c) 0 d) +3 e)+2 4.a) 0 b) +5 c) +10 d) 0 5.a) 0 b) 0 c) +2 d) +3 6.a) 0 b) +2 c) +2 d) +7 .
27-15: I bet you didn't even know who the queen was before she gave you a day off but all of a sudden you love her just because she came and stared at the Forum. Shame 15-5: You may like that Pimms with a union jack on it, and have taken a photo of the queen because of her lovely hat, but you are not that morally reprensible a person. less than 5: You heartless Republican arse! !
Above - A graphic representation of the sporting event that everyone was talking about this month. Image also serves as a graphic representation of all those sporting events yet to come...
Headline That In Some Way Makes Sport Funny or Interesting. Sport rumbles on and will continue to do so, in much the same way, until the last milisecond of recorded time. (See image for further details.)
Published on May 31, 2012