Eastern Mediterranean University/ Faculty of Education/ Department of ELT 2007 – 2008 Spring Semester
ELTE 104 – ADVANCED READING & WRITING 2 Week 9: Argumentative Writing
Having a part-time job while studying brings advantages to university students. Argue for or against the statement
Student Essays: Draft 1 Feedback on Essays by
Hatice E, Rabia K, Mustafa Y, Anıl K, Nuray K, Zeynep E, Feride M, Ebru K, Sonay E, Sevtap D, Eda Ş
COMPLEXITY by Hatice Erarslan Having a job while studying causes some disadvantages, isnt’t it? When a student
Comment: Gr Comment: Wrong collocation
goes to the university he must take more attention to his lessons than the other things. Because he can develop himself perfectly in these university years. If someone
Comment: Starting a sentence with because?
has a job while studying he comes across some inevitable disadvantages, like getting Comment: Good, TS with 2 support ideas
bad marks and sleepless days and nights. Firstly, I want to talk about getting bad marks. If a student works while studying he
Comment: May omit this part
can not focus on his lectures effectively. Because while at work he can not think
Comment: Same problem, you can link two sentences with because but not after a full-stop
about his homework or something like this. So, working takes the first place of his
Comment: anything else
life. But some people believe that if you can keep the balance you can work while
Comment: redundant; omit this Comment: insert when
studying. However, this is not easy and nobody can do this even he says I can do it. If I say this sentence to them immediately they say “But I know somebody keeping that
balance”. But we are talking general so exceptions do not change anything in this topic. I want to say just one thing about getting bad marks. If we get bad marks this shows us we do not know anything about our lectures, and this one shows that in the
future we will come across a lot of difficulties in our working life. Secondly, working while studying at university results in sleepless days and nights. Comment: insert is
Since if our job at night or at late hours we must not sleep at work and we can not sleep at school as well. So, sleepless days and nights are inevitable. We can see a person who works at night sleeps on his desk at school. Therefore, he can not learn anything and maybe this will be an unsocial life. Some people say that you can choose a job which is suitable for you and you do not have to work at nights. It maybe true but there is no job waiting for us in anticipation and employers are not admite to us. They choose an employee not we. But of course if you do not want to work you don’t. Shortly, I’m against the idea of having a job while studying at university. I believe that if you do not take care of your real works nothing takes care of you. Lastly, there is a sentence about doing lots of things: “A person who wants to do lots of things can not do anything.” 2
Comment: Good! CA-C-R Comment: ?? Comment: us
Comment: a nice concluding remark, ending up with a quotation…
Hatice, you have a clear standpoint with two supporting ideas. Here are some suggestions for the second draft: - Introduction: Start with a hook, then briefly throw in a counter-argument and refute it with your argument, which leads to your thesis statement. [see Rabia’s introduction] - Body: It would be better if you add support from outside sources to one or both of your arguments: some statistics or study report on how having a job would affect students negatively… - Conclusion: Add a restatement of your thesis statement before the concluding remarks. HARDWORKING YOUNGSTERS – Rabia Have you ever thought about the impacts of working while studying on university students? Most people are on the opinion that when young people work, they learn more about the real life. Even though working has some benefits, it affects young ones so badly that they have problems related to time, responsibilities and Comment: very good; CA then your argument, which leads to TS and 3 controlling ideas
money. Firstly, I can say that if you work and earn your own money, you will be satisfied with yourself and think that the life is worth-living. But is it easy to succeed? Of course, not! You will probably encounter difficulties related to time. Since you’ve two things in your mind (one is your school and the other is your job), you have to spend your time only for those. You will have no time for yourself. You may lose your private life. Between school and work you will feel tired and so ignore your priorities; such as, your family and friends. They will be angry with you because you spend less time with them. In addition, trying to understand who is working in class is so easy, because he is the one sleeping during the lesson. Because of your energetic and tiring life style, you can’t help sleeping at school. This also causes you to have difficulty in following the lessons. Then “failure” appears. Secondly, young people are the ones who want less responsibility in their life. 3
Comment: this word has a positive connotation; use another word with a negative connotation, like hurried or hectic
Schoolwork brings many responsibilities. For example, you have to do lots of homework, projects, and research. Then midterms and final exams come closer. These are all important issues. When there are many essential things you have to think, how can you work productively? As you are trying to deal with all these duties, you may harm your health. How? Because the more responsibility there is, the more
Comment: omit how and link because to the previous sentence
stress it means. Stress is a strong factor that can lead you to both bad habits and depression. Finally, young people who begin to earn their own money may not solve their problems completely. At the beginning it makes them feel appreciated. But then they may begin to use their money not wisely. They may become accustomed to a
different life style. The desire of earning more and more money may increase and so they may even leave the school and prefer to work only. In conclusion, everything is beautiful when it is its time. Because after
Comment: sounds a bit Turkish!
graduation from university, a hard and stressful working life begins. If we make it begin earlier, it will become more difficult. 3 years later we will probably have no time for ourselves so I think that while we are free now, we must realize the value of Comment: Link to the previous sentence; nice conclusion by the way!
time. Because time flies. Rabia, Youâ€™ve written a good first draft. To make it better, here are some suggestions: - You may want to support one (or more) of your arguments with further evidence from outside sources. - To make your argument stronger, you may take a counter-argument and refute it (CA-C-R). - Restate your TS in the conclusion before your final remarks.
Draft 1 - Mustafa Yenilmez There are lots of advantages having a job while studying at university. Students learn difficulties of the life and also realize how they can stand on their step. But besides there are lots of disadvantages to their studying life. It may be well, welfare, no thinking pocket for a student working while studying but its too harmful to follow lesson and education experience.
Comment: prep Comment: omit Comment: feet Comment: besides what? Say, besides advantages, there are also drawbacks… Comment: do you mean academic life? Comment: Is this CA and then your argument?
In most universities there are a lot of students who work in somewhere as a part time labour. The student, who works part time, spent half of his/her day at the
Comment: omit Comment: omit Comment: tense
school, the other half of day at the work. When s/he comes from working, directly will go to bed. But ''who will do your homework? oww common my friend! wake upwake up!'' as like this his/her roommate/ homemate will warn this labour student. So
Comment: a bit too informal for an academic esay
it causes irregular life at the university. S/he absolutely will sleep during lecture or this student will not concentrate on lessons.
Comment: your topic sentence is at the end, but looks okay Comment: wrong collocation
Having a job while studying obtains experience to learn how the life is lived.
Comment: Turkish English
Beside its obtained taking responsibilities for him/her future life and it makes the Comment: ?
students manage diffuculties. İf i give a examples, last year i was working in a cafe as
Comment: to give an example
a motorbiker. I was earning so much money. I never thougt ma pocket. But when i came to dorm i couldn’t even stand on my leg. So every day i was in my bed. When i
Comment: Turkish English
found a spare time, i tried to study and i couldn’t meet with my friend to chat or do something. [Is this the support paragraph for your second controlling idea in the thesis statement, education experience? This paragraph doesn’t seem to support Comment: omit
that!] Because i was a labour student. Friendships are so important during university life. Working while studying causes to get away from social life and mutual friends in the university life. When a labour
Comment: is this the restated TS? Doesn’t match with the TS in the introduction!...
student has spare time, s/he can't find a friend to spend his/her time together. it may
cause to make him/her disappointment. Because student, who works in anywhere, feels alone him/her self .Perhaps it can follow drinking and using drugs. [Another argument or a follow up to your second argument?] In conclusion there are more disadvantages of having a job while studying than 5
advantages. Students shouldnt work while they study at university. they should just think their lessons their friendships and their life. Money is not problem sometimes. there are our parents behind our backs. Mustafa, In terms of organizing your ideas and using language correctly, you need to be much more careful. As it is, it is difficult for a reader to follow your ideas. Look at my feedback and revise your paper. To make your arguments stronger you may want to refer to evidence from sources. WORKING WHILE STUDYING – Anıl K. Earning money is a good thing for everyone. If you are a student, it will be more attractive to you because it is very difficult both studying and working. If you both work and study, you will have some difficulty with following lessons, having social activities and having ambition for earning more money. Firstly, lessons are the most important thing for a student. If student will miss a
Comment: Not clear; difficulty with having ambition or having ambition is itself a problem?? Comment: Omit; remember the rule for if clauses!
lesson, s/he has a big lost. When we think of a student who works while studying, s/he will have obscurity in following lessons. S/he will be tired after working.
Comment: Obscurity? In what sense? Check the dictionary for its meaning!
Therefore, s/he doesn’t want to listen about lessons and if s/he has homework, s/he
won’t do that. That will affect the student negatively. Secondly, a working student doesn’t have time for him/herself. So, they won’t do anything except sleeping. Whenever they find any spare time, they will prefer to Comment: sp
sleep. So, their life will be monotous.
Lastly, student will not care about his/her lessons when s/he started to earn
her/his own money. When a person earns money, s/he wants more than that money. Comment: Wrong VERB
So, s/he will have ambitious to earn more. With this desire, student will work for fulltime job. Also, s/he will spend more money because s/he thinks that I have money and I can spend it wherever I want. As a result of this situation, student may finish his/her student life. [okay, now it’s clear what you mean in the TS- working may cause one to become ambitious to earn more; you need to revise the phrase in the TS then…] 6
In conclusion, students shouldnâ€™t have work while studying. As we see, it has only disadvantages. Anil, Your standpoint and supporting arguments is clear enough. While revising your paper for the second draft, keep these in mind: - See my feedback to Hatice and Rabia; for a better argumentative tone, mention the counter-arguments briefly in the introduction and in more detail in the body- show concession and then refute the counterarguments with your argument. - Try to find evidence from outside sources to showcase your arguments Draft 1 â€“ Nuray Kaya Most of the students think that working is a good experience for them because
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they learn how stand on their own feet. But it is hard to keep up both studying and working. If they work long hours they have difficulty in following lessons, doing homework and saving time for social activities. [good, clear TS with 3 controlling ideas] Many students want to have a job to earn money. They may be right to want it, Comment: delete
because of their school expenditure and lacking of enough financial support from their families. However, if students have hard jobs, they can not follow their lectures, they get tired at work then can't keep up with the lessons. They think they deserve sleeping after long hours of hard work. After that they can not concentrate on their lessons. [Good; CA-C-R] Secondly, unless they follow their lessons they have difficulty in doing homework because of lacking of necessary information for fulfilling the assessment. The working students are always in rush, so they do their home tasks in rush which
Comment: students who work; those students who have a job Comment: homework?
means having low grades. This is another disadvantage of working long hours while studying. Finally, working students can't find time for social activities. If they have extra time, they sleep for relaxing as they are tired of rushing all the time. In addition they 7
become antisocial youngsters who can't have enough fun. Then, they get stressed. Yet they may earn only money for short terms but the long term effects can be depressing. In conclusion, working long hours while studying affects students' academic life in a negative way. They can not follow lessons, they can't concentrate on their assessment and they can't have time for social activities. So it is harmful both for their academic and social life. Nuray, Firm standpoint and good supporting evidence. Clear organization of ideas, following a clear TS. In order to revise your paper for a better draft, follow the suggestions to gave Hatice and Rabia above. Draft 1 â€“ Zeynep ES Many students have a job while they are studying at university. Especially they Comment: work and
prefer part time jobs as they can attend to their lessons at the same time. Earning
money for students can be beneficial but harms of working while studying is much more because students who have a job can't follow their lessons regularly, have irregular life and they spend too much unwisely. [good; a clear TS with 3 controlling ideas] Working students think that they are able to both work and study. But it is so hard. There are lots of disadvantages about this situation. For example, students are in difficulty to concentrate on lessons. They are tired because of working outside. So they can't be interested to their courses adequately. Also they have no time to do
Comment: use concentrate on Comment: in
their homework so they can't be successful on their exams. In addition that working while studying causes of irregular life for students.
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They have no time for social activities. They can't spend time with their friends for entertainment. So they can have stress and even bad habits. For example; Comment: sentence incomplete, link it with the previous sentence
alcohol,drugs... Finally, these students spend too much due to thinking of earning money
themselves. May be, they think that if we work in a part time job, they can live more 8
comfortable. However, their spending money unwisely is absurd. As they work in part
Comment: wrong form; use the adverb form
time job, they can fail their exams.
Comment: is this relevant to what you are discussing? Comment: may
In conclusion, students can want to earn money while they are studying. But they can't be succesful in both of them. They should only choose one. I think that
they must prefer studying at university than having a part time job because of being students. Zeynep, Firm standpoint and good supporting evidence. Clear organization of ideas, following a clear TS. In order to revise your paper for a better draft, follow the suggestions to gave Hatice and Rabia above.
Having a Job,While Studing at University â€“ FERÄ°DE MUTLU Comment: only
University does not only mean that studying, learning or gaining information ,it also helps people to come over the challenges of life. Some people can achive this but
Comment: sp Comment: cannot
some can not. Therefore, people can argue about these challenges. The most popular one is that while you are a student at university, you also work in somewhere. This one can be seen hard and so it is. Besides it also has benefits. Actually there are three
Comment: seems a bit in the air; what is its function here?
main advantages and disadvantages for this argument. [Are you writing an advantages/disadvantages essay? See how your friends above show their side of the argument above in their introduction]
The advantages of having a job while studying at university are that learning to come over the challenge, getting experince and helping you to be an active person.
Comment: Sp Comment: teaches you mean?
First advantage which is learning to come over challenge, learn the student how to stand on their own feet. Second advantage is in terms of getting experience. For Comment: insert about
example you gain idea the working life, you learn something, you meet people. Therefore in future these experiences can help you. Last one is in terms of helping to Comment: add an
be active person. You get used to the tempo of working, it is also helpful for future, because you learn the important of your money. 9
Comment: ? you mean pace?
The disadvantages of having a job, while studing at university are that hard to follow lesson, no time for social activities and stress (bad habits). First disadvantage is that it is hard to follow lessons. Because you have less time to concantrate on lesson. Second disadvantages is that there is no time for social activities. You can’t go outside
Comment: stress which also means bad habits; or stress which may lead to bad habits; or stress caused by bad habits? Which do you mean? Comment: Sp
because you have no time and you are so busy, even sometimes you cannot sleep so big probably your relations with outside will be cut down. Third one is that stress. Stress is a very general term but if the people cannot get over all these, he/she get
Comment: Wrong collocation; highly probably Comment: they
into stress. Maybe they can start bad habit such as smoking or drinking. In conclusion, we see that university has a really big and variety meanings for people’s life. Especially it is very hard to have a job while studing. But, there are main
Comment: delete; say important role and place Comment: However,
advantages and disadvantages. I think, it is hard but every student should try it and they can learn the life better. Feride, Nice ideas but you have to choose a side and argue either for or against working while studying! Also, - When typing you essay online, put it on MS_WORD first so that you can see what spelling and formatting and etc mistakes you’ve made. Correct them first and then submit or post your work - See the feedback I’ve given above to find out what you need to do for a second draft.
WORKING A JOB WHİLE STUDYİNG – EBRU GÖK Many students are trying to working part time job while studying. Part time
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jobs is very popular for students who are trying to support themselves. But working may impact their study to do badly. [how? In what terms? Write these here as the
controlling ideas of your TS] Comment: has
If a students works as a part time job while studying they will be unable to cope with their studies. They can not have any time to spend on time their courses or 10
projects because there will be no time to do homework or less time to concentrate on lessons. Moreover, they may have difficulties in following the class. They are too tired and do not want to go to class. A large amount of money in hand may be easily started to use for bad habits. That is to say, they can earn a lot of money and then easily get involved in drug Comment: alcohol
addition and alcoholic. So they can be unconcern to their education. All students need time to relax after studying. We can easily see them that if they only students and work their courses, they will be very stressful and tired. So that, we
Comment: alternative: may neglect their education or leave in the second place Comment: ?? Comment: have
shouldn't do part time job and have some time to relax. We can join the social activities and play basketball or tennis like this in our free time. So I think that student shouldn’t do part time jobs while studying
Comment: use a different linker; it reads like we shouldn’t have some time to relax. Say we shouldn’t have a part-time job but should have some spare time to relax Comment: have
Ebru, Not bad for a first draft. Some suggestions: - To make your topic sentences clearer in the body, you should specify your controlling ideas (supporting ideas) following the TS. - Restate the TS in the conclusion - Give CA in the introduction briefly and in more detail in the body [CA-C-R] - Find some outside evidence for the arguments you are defending in the body.
HAVING A JOB WHILE IN UNIVERSITY – SONAY Many students think that having a job while studying is a good thing but in fact, it is not. It has a lot of disadvantages. For example, it is hard to follow the lessons, you don't have time for social activities/clubs, and you can't find time to do homework or even sometimes sleep. [GOOD; a TS with 3 controlling ideas] First of all, it is hard to follow the lessons while working in a job at university. You can't go to classes regularly. If you don't go to the classes, you don't know what the others did at the lesson. This reflects to your grades and you feel disappointed 11
because of the bad marks. Another disadvantage of it is that you can't find time for social activities/clubs. Even you want to go any sports that you like, you can't go or do it. Almost all of your day passes at work. You can't go anywhere with your friends. Sometimes you can't find any time for yourself so you may feel exhausted and burned out. Finally, you can't find time to do homework or even sometimes sleep. If you are given homework, you must do it. It is your responsibility to do it. You shouldn't forget that you are a student in university. You should do your homework on time. Otherwise you can't learn anything. In short, education and working are different things from each other while you are in university. If your aim is to have a good job in the future, you should study your lessons. Sonay, A very good performance for a first draft. For revision for the second draft, see my feedback for Hatice and Rabia and others at the top.
TEENAGERS AND JOBS â€“ Sevtap University students often look for jobs to make their life easier. Earning money makes them feel strong. They can get whatever they want and even if these things are little, they make them happy. However, working as a part time results in a number of problems. When a student works, it causes irregular life at the university, you have less time for social activities and you spend too much money. Students who work as a part time, have difficulties about following the lesson. They cant concentrate on their lessons.They adapt to work and they cant even find time to sleep. Their life become irregular. They are often stereotyped. Students forget about other things. In addition, too much work reduces the social activity for student. The students start to become passive and because of tiring day, they become unwilling to do some 12
activities. Those students become exhausted and they isolated themselves. They deal with just job and school. Finally, teenagers who work a lot spend too much money. They think that they earn their own money so they spend it without thinking or asking for permission from Comment: independent
their parents. They feel independence. Therefore they become extravagant. In conclusion, student can earn their own money and try to stand on their feet, but they must regulate their time according to their lesson, otherwise they feel disappointed about university life. Sevtap, Good work; see my feedback for your friends and revise for the second draft. WORKING GOOD OR BAD? – Eda Şahin While studying, working in a job is good idea at first sight, but when you think its positive and negative sides, you can see more negative than positive sides. In my opinion, working at a job while studying is not good and it has many negative effects. If you decide to work at a part time job while studying, you will face to face these problems; not to sleep very well, and being unsuccessful. First, if you are both study and work at a job, it will be difficult for you. Because you have many problems but most important one is you can not sleep very well. According to some research; many scientists and doctors say that a person needs sleep at least six hours a day. So, if you work and study at the same time, you can not find a time for sleep and it will harm your body. Second, if you study and work at the same time you have another difficulty which is being unsuccessful. Because you has to do your homework, projects, and also participate the lesson regularly. But if you work at the same time you can’t do anything about lesson. Because you feel tired and sleepless and you can’t participate and sometimes miss the many class. This problem leads to failure and being unsuccessful in school life. Third, many people who are studying university, think earning money is a good thing for students. In my opinion, earning money is good but not good for students. Because student earns money by working hard but s/he feels tired, faces with many problems and most problematic is not being successful. I think a student’s aim must be finishing the university with success. We will already earn money when we finish our school. [This idea is not given in the TS; add this into your TS] 13
In conclusion, while studying, working at a job is not good idea. First students should finish their school and then they should looking for job and earn money. Good Eda, A nice essay for a first draft, and you have even referred to some statistics!.. See my feedback to your friends and see what you need for the second draft. Thanks.