The Plaza Housing Gazette: 2008 - 2010
Vigilante Downs 15 Thugs; Rescues Hostage SAN JUAN – A vigilante who goes only by the nickname ―Ting‖ sneaked into a well-known drug lord‘s lair armed only with a .38 caliber pistol and a measly stock of 6 bullets. Knowing well that the odds of him singlehandedly overpowering an entire gang armed with AK-47s was slim to nothing, he was reportedly seen by bystanders as using his ―mad ninja skills‖ to infiltrate the den undetected, shortly before quietly breaking the necks of 3 guards from behind, much to the amazement of the bystanders. ―Grabeh!― one shouted in approval. The bystander‘s remark alerted two of the guards, one of whom apparently needed some serious work with his decision-making skills. The logically-challenged guard lunged towards Ting in an attempt to tackle him, but was effortlessly grabbed by the arm and neck and consequently used as a human shield. The other guard, who was later reported to have owed the former a considerable amount of money, fired anyway. Losing his cover, Ting grabbed the nearest galvanized iron sheet and flung it towards the guard, knocking him out cold. It was at this point that eyewitnesses recognized renowned local slut, who was known in the circle simply as ―Ligaya‖, tied to a chair in the middle of an otherwise empty room with a bright fluorescent light hovering above her and 4 armed men around her smoking cigarettes. At this point, the fluorescent light went out and witnesses could not ascertain what had transpired. Gunshots were heard before an awkward silence took over. Police arrived five minutes later to find Ting sprawled on Ligaya‘s legs, with several gunshot wounds to the arm, an unexplained scratch on the face, and a stabwound to the thigh. Ligaya was tending to him with a wet towel and a likewise unexplained bowl of soap and water. As of press time, a total body count of 15 was recorded. ―We received calls from several bystanders about some slut being tied up somewhere,‖ said SPO1 Hermano Tamad, discreetly hiding a set of S&M gear behind his back. ―Of course, we knew there was something unlawful happening and responded as soon as we could.‖ Ting is now confined at St. Luke‘s Medical Center and has refused to talk to the press. – AP
Doppelganger Sues Serial Killer Copycat DANAO CITY – A voice overheard from the ceiling of a dilapidated haunted house believed to be the doppelganger of serial-killer extraordinaire, Warlito ―Wowie‖ Taledo, filed a subpoena today through the Regional Trial Court against a man whom he had proven to be mimicking his modus operandi. The doppelganger, who wishes to remain anonymous and was interviewed by Koreana Shanchess through closed doors, stated that a certain copycat serial killer has been closely following and studying his criminal activities. Among the many modus operandi that he claimed to be recognizably his, and bore his distinguishing trademarks are: spitting on someone‘s slippers (particularly havaianas) to hypnotize his victims, camouflaging into a lamp post or a tree to avoid being caught, and turning invisible by applying pepper spray on the eyes of innocent onlookers. Moreover, the said copycat then bragged to common friends of both that people actually believed he plays a more convincing doppelganger role than the complainant. This unleashed the ire of the original ―doppelganger‖ to a maximum level. ―I‘m a fairly sensitive guy. I can handle competition and much more take criticism. But this whole business, this whole talk of him playing a better role over me really gets the better of me,‖ pressed the fairly sensitive ―doppelganger‖ dude. As of this writing, the said ―copycat‖ has yet to answer the charges filed against him and is widely believed to be just a street mime.
Man High on Marijuana Realizes Meaning of Life TALISAY CITY – A man high on marijuana realizes that ―all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively‖.* After a brief pause, evidently due to breathlessness after the psychedelically long sentence, the man proceeded to contemplate that ―there is no death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves‖.* This realization came as the man was nibbling a particularly tough piece of beef tapa, an apparent attempt to satisfy, as he called it, the ―munchies‖. At the same time, Monty Python‘s ―And Now For Something Completely Different‖ played on the TV screen in front of him, although medical authorities have confirmed that he had not been paying attention at all to the movie. The man then proceeded to space out.. Then he fell asleep. – AP
Man High on Shabu Realizes Meaninglessness of Life LOREGA –―Life is meaningless‖ claims Kevin Zapanta 42, resident user deep within the heart of BARANGAY LOREGA. Initially his first response as he melted shabu (methamphetamine)over a foil with a blue lighter that lights up at the bottom, displaying a pornographic image of an asian woman when projected onto a nearby wall, that can easily be purchased at the back of LOREGA MALL for 15.00php. After inhaling the rising spirits of the cooked shabu, he then had another initial response of going outside with sundang (sword) in hand and started cutting up coconut leaves from a nearby palm tree, intent on making a silhig tukog (broom twigs) out of the sheared twigs. Engrossed in this particular activity he exclaims ―We can make anything we ever wanted!‖ quite confidently. And within the next 6 hours and 35 minutes he had made tote bags out of rubber and tubes (7 in total to be presumably sold to purchase more shabu), often disassembling and assembling once more the radio cassette player, and scratching and gnawing at his extremities showing his missing teeth. The environment around Kevin is locally known as a place for dealing the illicit and addictive recreational drug shabu, and pork among many other whimsical things. ―life is meaningless,‖ continued Kevin, ―whether you‘re walking talking or whispering or howling or running or swimming or eating or shitting or doing this and that and this and that or fucking, or working…‖ drones Kevin, scratching invisible bugs under his skin while playing a solitaire card game only he understood. ―He‘s a messiah,‖ says J. R. ―JUN-JUN‖ jr. 32, (actual name and age) when asked to elaborate he simply said ―you can see it in his bulging eyes‖. Other residents of LOREGA share the same view, ―We sometimes wake up at night hearing his parables,‖ says ALICE 29, describing Kevin walking with rapid steps up and down the street usually between the hours of 03.00 – 05.00 am, raving, arms flailing, elbows in impossible angles and facial ticks, ―I would wake up my children so they could see him!‖ said Alice of the stoned prophet. ―It is as meaningless as these crystalline rocks I smoke are beautiful,‖ muses Kevin in his drug shanty, observing the shape and glint of the white shining rocks less than a teaspoon full he got from up the street, he leans in as throw away graffiti lining his walls from previous users illuminate as he clicks the blue lighter while DYBUDGET AM 69khz twitters and tweaks obscenities from the disassembled radio ―only to dissolve into one moment, one high, one life.‖ ―Don‘t you get it?‖ he preached on and proceeded to smoke more shabu.
Vigilantes’ Shell Cracked CEBU CITY - A call from an anonymous caller (duh) led the police to an immediate raid down the city's sewers today. Received at 4AM this morning, the call tipped off the police about the hideout of the stealthy vigilantes that have been roaming the city recently, always a second ahead of the police in apprehending criminals. Upon receiving this information, officers came hurriedly down through the man-hole in full combat suit, and a road block was set as the man-hole had to be blasted open to allow fatso police officers to fit in. This caused a heavy traffic jam during rush hour. Officers raced to the reported den of the vigilantes, passing through a clogged canals with human waste and garbage dropped from a squatter‘s area. To the dismay of everyone awakened, police did not capture any of the reported vigilantes. All they found was a rat scampering away with a stick. The vigilantes again proved that they are indeed always ahead of our police officers. ―It seems that they knew we were coming. We tried to be as quick and stealthy as possible. We even blasted the man-hole to silence the crying of one of our officers because he couldn‘t squeeze through," Chief Police Saki said. He added, "They can run, they can hide, but they can‘t escape my love." The raid, however, did not go to complete waste. Police recovered vital evidence that could lead them to the identity of these vigilantes. Police found four differently-colored masks which confirm that this was indeed the den of the vigilantes they are after. They also discovered paintings, sculptures, and blue prints of buildings. As of today, police are still in hot pursuit. The police are warning the public about these vigilantes and are offering rewards for information on their whereabouts. The faces of these vigilantes have not been seen as they are found to be consistently wearing coloured masks, but they can easily be noticed as teenagers who always carry with them somekind-of-but-not-quite-a shield on their back. Always. COWABUNGA! - JS
Look Cool Now! Ask Me How! Here are surefire ways to look cool while breaking the bank and becoming the envy of your friends: 1. Work in the corporate and wear a faux hawk. But no DIY kits must be harmed, run to the nearest BenchFix salon! (Note: Variations of the fauxhawk now come as undercuts and semi-mullets.) 2. Start a band. Nuff said. 3. Try all sorts of drugs regularly and tell all your friends about it. Then tell your momma your paycheck went up your nose. 4. Read a book and be seen. Any bestseller will do. Make sure you discuss it with your friends afterwards. Aloud. 5. Take a photo of you with your middle finger up. It‘s called a ―fuck you‖ sign. 6. Use the word ―poser‖, and use it a lot. 7. Use the word ―emo‖, and use it a lot. 8. Call your female friends ―dude‖. 9. Call everyone ―dude‖. 10. Call yourself a ―rocker‖. Do you want more tips about any lifestyle subject and your over-all well-being? Suggestions are welcome, drop us a line at the comments section.
Man Faces Murder After Killing Self CEBU CITY — Ariel Rivero, age 38, Filipino, single, Roman Catholic, was found dead in his room at his apartment somewhere in Juan Seno, Mabolo. Investigators ruled out foul play and came up with the conclusion that it was suicide when they found a suicide note near his pillow drenched with blood that said, ―gtg.‖ ―There is not a trace of foul play anywhere,‖ said Inspector Marvin Agustino, age 46, Filipino, married, a Jehovah‘s Witness. ―He killed himself by simply blowing his brains out with his .38 caliber pistol.‖ Last night the landlady (name withheld) told me that she heard a noise that sounded like a gunshot in Rivero‘s room but she ignored it because she was busy harvesting crops at her Farm Town (a stupendous game in Facebook). The landlady texted Rivero‘s family about his untimely death and his family replied, “HU U?” When interviewed about what they‘re going to do with Rivero‘s corpse: ―We’re probably going to file charges against him,‖ the Inspector told us. “Possibly murder and illegal possession of firearms.‖ —CDL
Rent-a-Private-Army: Lucrative Venture for 2010, Analyst Predicts AMPATUAN PROVINCE – "I'm telling you mam/sir, it's gonna be a HIT this year!!" said Karlo Gay Caparas in a press meeting in line with his recent comeback to the foray of television series (or teleserye) directing, with a new show called "CSIMaguindanao". The comment was not unlike that of one Commander Kontra, a social analyst/retired gunman, speaking in connection to an untapped business venture called Rent-A-Private-Army. "I'm telling you bro/sis, it's gonna be a HIT this year!!" said Commander Kontra in a comment not unlike that of Karlo Gay Caparas regarding his recent comeback to the foray of teleserye directing. This wildfire forecast was also supported recently by well-known entertainment pundit, Vince Gander. "Good day, Madlang People! May nagtext sa akin kagabi, ang sabi: 'I'll be back, brah! Lovelots, Jay-R Ampatuan'," Gander announced during a one-on-one exposé with Bhoi Abante on last Sunday's The Fuzz.
"Face it, Security Agency and the like are so passé. This is the future, dude. This is for the lack of a better word - the shit!" Kontra added as he blew a cloud of white smoke into the face of a two-bit radio reporter. "Either that, or the backhoe surplus import-export business," said Kontra.
Council Passes Anti-Camera Shooting Law CEBU CITY – In a move anticipated to qualm increasingly obnoxious weekly rallies, the Cebu City Council has approved City Ordinance No. 1269, making illegal the shooting, or otherwise premeditated harm, of digital cameras. This as an aftermath to an earlier incident involving allegations against Mayor Tomas Osmena‘s son (name unknown as of press time) of shooting an innocent digital camera, instantly killing it, and, in a move that added insult to injury, left the body at its family‘s doorstep. ―The issue has been deliberated in Council for years‖, said Councilor Jack ‗The Ripper‘ Jakosalem. ―Since only minor complaints had been received regarding violence against cameras, I‘m hard pressed to admit it was never taken seriously.‖ Weekly protests have been ongoing since the incident. Protesters bearing placards sprawled with various anti-camera violence slogans like ―Justice for Nikon‖ and ―End the LCD-Shed NOW‖ have flocked every Monday morning to City Hall and Osmena‘s home to demand a speedy and haphazardly-thought-about trial. Asked regarding his group‘s opinion of the new ordinance, Camera Ko Kapatid Ko movement provincial head Norberto Norberto said, ―It‘s a good first step towards our goal.‖ ―But we will not rest until Tommy‘s son.. what‘s his name again?.. is put to justice,‖ he was quick to add. ―A perfectly productive camera met an untimely death in his hands and I am outraged that no one seems to care.‖ A memorial was set up by the group weeks ago at the Queen City Memorial Gardens for the deceased camera. Sympathizers continue to flock daily to the memorial to leave flowers and various other unnecessary paraphernalia. Critics however have recently expressed their disillusionment towards the protesters and the City Council alike, insisting that while digital cameras are now amply protected by the law, older film cameras are still at high risk. ―Just because they‘re old and expensive to maintain, it doesn‘t mean they shouldn‘t be entitled to the same rights as their more efficient, way cooler counterparts,‖ said the Obsolete Cameras Group leader, who asked to, and will most likely indefinitely remain, anonymous. – DS
Murder Weapon Found in Backyard During Operation NALUSOAN – Surgeons diagnosed last week the root cause of a complaint filed recently by a resident of a northern city of Cebu province. Momi (real name withheld) was on a holiday vacation when she started complaining about itching and a slight soreness in his, I mean her, backyard. He, I mean she, mentioned that the problem started the day after an encounter with a leprechaun. According to reports, he, I mean she, started feeling uneasy every night since the encounter and had increased difficulty in moving. Witch doctors from all over the island were puzzled. Surgeons from the city went on an island hopping expedition immediately after hearing of Momi‘s accident. They were sent to determine the possible virus Momi could be carrying in him (her). Five young nurses on practicum were requested by the three surgeons, on the promise of a leakage for the upcoming board examination. They also brought their equipment for any possible operation. Upon arriving, the medical team rushed to Momi‘s residence. Diagnosis was performed and within seconds the cause of Momi‘s mysterious illness was discovered. One of the nurses was reportedly overheard giggling. News spread fast and talks about the leprechauns immediately reached the nearest town. Surgeons discovered that the sheet of cellophane that had killed thousands of future leprechauns had been left inside Momi‘s anal cavity (read as: shithole). Momi was forced-fed with sour milk and after an hour in the toilet was heard screaming in jubilee. After the successful operation, the medical team decided to stay for a week in Momi‘s house. The nurses and surgeons were reportedly seen scuba diving. The nurses in bikinis were an instant tourist attraction. It was later found out that all the surgeons had brought were their 1-week suitcases, scuba gear, sun lotion, and penrex. Further investigation is pending. – JS
USA To Take Back RP RP – The government of the United States of America (USA) are demanding to take back the Republic of the Philippines (RP). They had already submitted their foreclosure orders to Malacañang yesterday which shook the Palace in full force. According to the United States of America (USA), our grandiose ―independence‖ is only contractual. ―We don‘t want the contract to be renewed,‖ the US were quoted as saying. ―We just want the Filipinos to get the hell out of our archipelago or go back to being slaves.‖ The entire country is in higgledy-piggledy. Filipinos were driven mad by the petrifying news that they quit their jobs. The rich emptied their bank accounts and migrated to North Korea and other Communist places. The poor emptied their ―piggy banks‖ and bought guns and ammunition and readied themselves for revolution. The religious freaks were praying for help to the same God the Americans are worshiping. Vicky Belo ―Americanized‖ herself by reconstructive surgery (details to this one are hazy). ―We‘re totally helpless,‖ President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo (GMA), Filipino, age 50+, polygamist, Roman Catholic, was quoted as saying. ―We‘re incapable of doing anything. The US Government have authentic proofs of the contract.‖ ―Blame Emilio Aguinaldo,‖ she added. June 12, 2010 will be the expiration date of the said ―independence contract.‖ – PDM
Manny To Sponsor Gay Boxing Clinics GENERAL SANTOS CITY – Returning home from his momentous win over Miguel Cotto, the People‘s Champ Emmanuel ―Manny‖ Pacquiao announced yesterday that he will be sponsoring a summer boxing clinic specifically aimed at gay people. The boxing clinic which will start by the summer of 2010 (cross your fingers, folks) will be one of the wildest highlights of his boxing career so far. That or another stab at local politics. ―I really want to do this, you know. Lots of people, including my trainer Freddie Roach are very excited about this, you know,‖ Pacquiao said during a press con held at Malacañang Palace yesterday. When asked about the reason why he is doing this, Manny answered, ―Well, I wanted to help my fellow countrymen, you know, especially those weak people who want to help defend themselves and boxing will play a big role in this.‖ When queried by Ricki Lu if these actions are politically motivated since rumor has it that he will be running for President come 2014 barangay elections, Manny answered, ―Alam mo Ricki, hindi ko na iniisip muna yung mga bagay na yun. Ang importante ay maabotan ko nang tulong lahat ng sector sa ating lipunan. Gusto ko silang tulungan kahit sa mga mumunting mga bagay lamang. ‖ [You know Ricki, that hasn't crossed my mind yet. The important thing is I want to reach every sector of our society. I want to help them even in the littlest of ways.] To which his BFF Efren Bata Reyes, among the audience, suddenly retorted , ―Wala kang katulad Manny.‖ This uncalled for remark made for a minor comic relief moment among people of the press and Manny‘s bodyguards. ―Kung mali yun sa paningin nang ibang tao, eh di magsuntokan na lang kami, you know,‖ Manny sneered jokingly, believed to be his parting words during the presscon before attending a McDonalds party for the birthday celebration of the grandson of his kumpare Kanding Kowangko. Meanwhile, gays all over the city are said to be spotted shopping for boxing gloves and cycling shorts at the nearest department stores. Mouthpieces were favored over make-up kits. - AP ————————————Disclaimer: Photo taken without permission from ESPN News. Also, must i remind you that this is just pure satirical news just for the sake of poking fun(coz we like to poke *wink*)? Meaning, this are all false and fictional, especially the ―last words‖ bit. So Manny, or his lawyers, please don‘t go after my ass on this, coz you don‘t know me anyway so why bother.
Street Festival Debuts in Cebu City CEBU CITY - A street festival was held over the weekend in Cebu City for the first time ever and attracted a "kinda large" crowd, despite being a first-time event and in spite of competition from the equally popular Fiesta sa Pasil. It was declared a "mild success" and according to event organizers, "there's a good chance it will be held again next year". "We didn't expect this large a crowd," said event promoter Marko Esteban, a student at the Cebu Normal University (CNU). "We're very happy with the turnout and, if we manage to raise enough funds, we will be back next year with this same concept." The event is tentatively called "Sinulog" in honor of a popular local squid dish. "It's still a working title," said Esteban. The event also has a catchy theme song built over a simple bugle line and a whole lot of percussion. "It's also a working theme song but we intend it to change over the years. I'd hate to imagine the same song being played over and over again thirty years from now." Key people in the religious and political communities applauded the event as a "booming success", as evidenced by the large number of youths found littered in all street corners and unable to make their way back home to resume living productive lives. Not everyone is happy with this new event, however, as Gillan Flagitio, head organizer of the Fiesta sa Pasil event which is customarily held at 3A.M. on the same day as the "Sinulog", is set to sit down with Esteban to discuss "crowd sharing". According to reports, Flagitio was irked upon hearing that the eve of the schedule set by Esteban coincided with the Fiesta sa Pasil. Both parties hope a reasonable consensus will be arrived at after the meeting. - DS
Super Rain Shower “Alfredo” to Hit Talamban TALAMBAN -Residents get ready for the onslaught of super rain shower alfredo which threatens to flood the busy district in ankle deep flooding. Tensions escalated when the flood weary barangay heard news of a shipment of badly needed rain boots and unfashionable raincoats were lost and swept away, ironically, in a category 7 taligsik just two days prior. ―when will this wet woe wane away?‖ quoted an alliterative resident as chuck taylors, nike high-tops, vans slip ons and DC skate shoes get muddied and sopping wet. Meteorologists attribute the root cause for these super rain showers that plague the area as due to a degree of ―closed-mindedness‖ also attributing the ―high levels of social apathy‖ in the air as a possible cause. Upon further reading the elaborate graphs, the erudite meteorologist foretold even more alarming news ―…in this current climate, we can expect more of the same misery in later months starting with ‘alfredo‗ (category 8), then‘mary joy’ (category 9) and finally starting the new year with the daddy of them all ‘monet’ (category12).‖ –LPM
Tommy Misunderstands; Opposes LRT Idea CEBU CITY – In a press conference held yesterday, Mayor Tomas Osmena reiterated his firm opposition to the ―LRT Project‖ being championed by Cebu governor Gwendolyn Garcia. Although several key people in the Cebu political arena have stated their opinion that Osmena is merely carrying on the centuries-old rivalry between their families dating back to when the Osmenas were prominent paladins and the Garcias were ―jumpers‖, Osmena made it clear that his opinion was not in any way influenced by the prolonged antagonism between him and the ―queen of darkness‖. ―This LRT Project has no immediate benefit to the citizenry of our city, or the province for that matter,‖ Osmena said. ―In fact, I can give you a hundred reasons now as to how this ‗project‘ can be harmful,‖ he added. ―For one thing, I will not stand for people vomiting uncontrollably on our fair streets.‖ Attendees assumed this to be a reference to chronic motion sickness, a common problem plaguing cities with light railway transits. ―We are known to be the cleanest city in Region 7 and I intend to keep it that way.‖ He referenced an inaccurate survey conducted by the Plaza Housing Gazette. ―Another thing, our young people have lost all moral standards and I will not allow any more debauchery to rule our occasionally peaceful city,‖ he said. At this point, confusion started to arise as to how ‗debauchery‘ could be related to trains. Within ten minutes of the mayor‘s press statement, attendees came to the realization that Osmena was actually referring to ―lambanog-red horse-tanduay―, an extremely potent concoction made popular by a now-closed watering hole along Arlington Pond Street. When one member of the press pointed this out to him, Osmena could only look to his wife Margot, who was quick to evade eye contact. Osmena then nodded and proceeded to ―exit stage right‖ amidst a loud uproar for more information. As of press time, the mayor has arranged for another press conference where he claims he will present a ―totally new list of reasons why the Light Railway Transit project will never be a good idea‖. – DS
Commuter Misses Stop; Blames Self CEBU CITY – A commuter, 19, sophomore at the University of Tomas Osmena (UTO), missed his stop on the way to school yesterday and ended up getting off 100m beyond his intended destination. Although evidence shows the driver was way too slow to react to the clinking of a coin on the handrail, the commuter blamed only himself. ―It‘s a known fact that it takes an average of 5 seconds for a jeepney driver to react to clinking sounds, that‘s 2 seconds more than it takes to react to the word ‗Para‗‖, said the commuter. ―I knew this and I obviously made some very wrong decisions.‖ The commuter paused for a moment to catch his breath. ―I should have yelled ‗Para‗ knowing the odds are for it. Or I could have at least clinked 2 seconds earlier.‖ When asked to tell his side of the story, the driver agreed completely with the commuter‘s statement. The commuter has, since the incident, committed to counseling at the local ―Passenger Syndrome‖ help center. – DS
Protest Rally for GF/BF Rights CEBU CITY - A group called NBGSB (No Boyfriend/Girlfriend Since Birth) are planning to instigate a protest rally on the streets of Capitol. ―There‘s an unequal distribution of girlfriends and boyfriends going on in this country!‖ their spokesman, Arturo Reyes, age 22, Filipino, single, Roman Catholic, told us. The group wants to petition for a new ―Republic Act‖ in the Senate. This new Act is called EDOBR-EDOGR or The Equal Distribution of Boyfriend or Girfriend Act 2009. They said they‘ve written their Congressman about the said Act but to no avail. ―Our congressman,‖ said Reyes,‖ doesn‘t answer our letters because he thinks that it‘s an iconoclastic assault on polygamy which, of course, it is.‖ He also told us that the Congressman himself is a polygamist. The main point of this new constitutional act is simply to eradicate polygamy and put the individual into a state of satisfaction and contentment with one person and one person only when matrimony comes. ―This is spiritual stuff, really,‖ Reyes added. ―We‘re bringing love back into people‘s hearts and minds.‖ Once this act is passed and is implemented, an individual with two or more bf/gf will be imprisoned for two years or more and will pay a fine of 300,000 pesos. As of this moment, the group (which is composed of four individuals) are marching on their way to the Capitol.
Doting Parent Attends Graduation of Mediocre Student CEBU CITY - When Carla Maricar, 21, graduated from her two-year certificate course at the University of Tomas Osmena (UTO) last Saturday, she had with her only one guest, but it was the one guest that mattered most - her inappropriately doting mother. Carla, who should have graduated three years ago if she had done her work a little more diligently, finished her final semester with a 2.9 average, just slightly above the passing mark at the UTO. "Brayt jud ning bata-a ni (This kid is really smart)," her mother, Teresita, claimed, amidst knowing looks from the parents of other graduates. "Panagsa ra gayod ni sa balay kay perme nag-group study sa iyang mga klasmet (She's rarely home as she's always with her classmates in study groups)." When asked later, Carla was hard pressed to admit that the "study groups" were, in fact, drinking sessions at the sari-sari store across UTO. [She has requested this information be withheld from her mother, stating the reason as "pataya jud nako (I'm so dead)".] Carla finished with no colors at all, landing prominently in the bottom ten of her class of 147, 93% of which consisted of students at least two years younger than her. When asked of her secret to success, she simply winked and said, "secret!" 窶標a ko'y gasto sa pagpaskwela sa akong anak (I spent nothing to send my child to school)," said Teresita, "Consistent jud iyang scholarship (Her scholarship was consistent throughout)." Teresita was unknowingly referring to her daughter's part-time business of showing off skin to horny camviewers from across the globe, earning money for her tuition fee and lavish amounts of alcohol. When asked about her plans following graduation, Carla feels her unnecessarily long tenure at the University has equipped her well for virtually any job in the market today, excluding medicine, law, politics, engineering, architecture, marketing, management, computer technology, tourism, journalism, arts, and sciences. In spite of the increasingly bleak future ahead of her, she has confidence in her fallback plan of living a quiet life as a housewife abroad. "Minyounon nako (I'm about to get married)," she said, referring to her fiancee of half a month, a certain Mr. Nezzerahim, whom she met half a year ago during one of her business transactions. Regardless of all her naysayers, Carla is just glad to have college over with, and is just looking forward to whatever the future has in store for her. For now, another drinking binge is all that's definite. - DS
Rock Concert For Earth Hour PASIL - In yet another futile and arrogant attempt to save Mother Nature, members of the Environmental Society to Save Earth (ESSE) will hold a Rock Concert (dubbed as the loudest Rock Event for Mother Earth) to coincide and support a worldwide awareness celebration called the Earth Hour. A huge mass of pseudoenvironmentalists and fair-weathered politicians is expected to come in their carbonemitting vehicles as a sign of commitment for this momentous celebration. "Last year we tried to observe it with a huge bang by employing huge pyrotechnics display in the sky that would send our message to the inhabitants of Mars that we really do care for this planet," said Alfred Gorr, spokesperson of the group. "Now this year we will try to up the ante. We will have a Rock concert and then we'll be sending transmissions to the universe and to God, telling him that we are here for real," Gorr added. Asked on how he is gonna try to achieve this, he answered, "We will be putting all expired hairgels and similar products on a freon-powered space shuttle and have it blasted to outer-space. For added dramatic effects, Bono's band's hit single 'Elevation' will be played in the background during lift-off." Alfred Gorr was also noted for advocating disposable wardrobes to lessen the energy consumption used during laundry and dry-cleaning. "Many of these haters and imitaters[sic] such as Earth Day, Earth Month, Earth Minute and Earth Seconds are cropping up by the minute. But y'all know that we are the numba one! Too legit to quit, foo!" added Lil Wang, well-known gangsta rapper turned marijuana and sea-lion advocate. "We've been here since electricity was not yet be invented, and we be here to stay, man." Other worldwide environmental groups are also expected to jump and pledge in their assistance for the celebration such as: Disposal and Aggregation of Waste Group (DAWG), National Interpolation of Gaseous Gasses Asociation (NIGGA), Lethal Oozing of Carbon Obstruction Society (LOCOS) and FOO! which stands for Fossil Oils Opposition! In another news, scientists discovered huge quantities of Plutonium on the recently disowned Pluto.
Go With Experience, Estrada Urges MANILA - Despite the impending cancellation of the upcoming elections, the nation's (would-have-been) presidentiables, counting on the slim chance of the elections actually coming to pass, push on with their (soon-to-be-futile) campaigns. In a press conference held yesterday at his San Juan residence, presidential candidate Joseph Estrada made a statement pleading with voters to "go with experience rather than smarts" when they troop to voting centers. "Who among us has served longest as President?" he asked rhetorically, without understanding said adverb. After much debate, analysts finally agreed that the former President was, in fact, referring to his former Presidency, the one that failed miserably and ended abruptly in the second bloodless People Power revolution. "My tenure at Malacanang has taught me valuable lessons that only first-hand experience can teach," he said, referring to his former position as President of the Republic, during which he plundered an estimated 50 billion pesos in taxpayers' money. "I may not be well-educated," he added, referring to his lack of a college degree that could have possibly better qualified him for public office, "but I've been there and done that (referring presumably to his reputation as a gambling lord)." When asked about the incompetence and lack of ethics he demonstrated during his previous job, Estrada simply shrugged and said before he concluded the conference, "I know I was a terrible actor, but what does that have to do with leading a country?" It was later established that Estrada did, in fact, mistake the question as referring to his former acting career. â€“ DS
2010 Elections To Be Cancelled MANILA - In an ironic twist, the 2010 national elections for the Philippines will be cancelled due to 'non-technical difficulties' from the shiny new technology being imposed on the backwards and religious people that make up the vast majority of the voting population. Smart-o-matic, the provider of the new and shiny technology was simply 'dumbfounded'. Testing was apparently 'successful' and 'easy' when tested on a certain group, but as soon as the actual numbers of the masses came, they failed to compensate for the dominant factor in the voting process and unwittingly alienated an entire demographic as shipments of the voting machinery rolled out from factory production and paid for by the 'GOVERNMENT' and 'COMELEC.' ‗They just simply refuse to approach the machinery,‘ said someone from Smart-omatic‘s R& D (not a music genre) department, 'even when we approached the fishermen and fieldworkers, they ran away, fearing our smart-o-matic machinery and gadgets.' 'Deviltry!' tweeted one would be voter who wishes to remain anonymous, although there was something fishy about the tweeter. ‗Black Magick!' blogged a spokesperson for the cans, bottles and newspapers collection union, a sharply worded diatribe against auto-vote (not a robot) was also found in said blog. 'Unthinkable!' via blackberry messenger of one Bernardo Dominggo, 33, panday and part-time taho vendor who forbade us from taking his picture, believing that the black plastic and glass device will 'suck my soul' and showing severe mistrust of any and all technology having to do with his suffrage. Even with the deluge of music videos featuring Cebu‘s best dance group, infomercials and comics explaining the new process, still the masses refuse to be swayed. 'Why cant we go back to simpler times like the way my grandfather used to vote?' said Juan Dela Cruz (actual name) from his facebook status.
Would-Be Assassin Arrested During Eye Check CEBU CITY - A would-be assassin was arrested yesterday at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center after subjecting himself to an eye test. In his patient profile, the assassin carelessly indicated his symptoms as "<em>failing to find the President during an assassination attempt</em>". The ophthalmologist's secretary was quick to inform the police, who arrived at the scene after an hour.
It was determined via interrogation that the assassin (<em>name withheld owing to doctor-patient confidentiality</em>) was stationed with a .38 <em>paltik</em> on the roofdeck of I1 Building at the I.T. Park, in front of Skyrise 3 Building where President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was set to visit.
"I couldn't find her," he told investigators. "I just couldn't and I had no idea why." His failed attempt led him to suspect his eyesight had gone bad, thus prompting his visit to Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo two days later. He is now detained at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, where he just barely missed a chance at 15 minutes of fame as a dancer in a Michael Jackson music video.
Crime analysts later came to the conclusion that the failed assassination attempt was not, in fact, a consequence of poor eyesight, but that it was just "too damn hard" to spot the President in a crowd of 5-foot-something people.
Further reports from Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo claim that the would-be assassin has perfect 20-20 vision. â€“ DS
Religio-Showbiz Sect to Celebrate Thanksgiving The Church of Santinology is going to hold an extravagant thanksgiving celebration this coming February 5, with different events to be taking place in Metro Manila and in the town of Bagoong PagAsa, Pampanga. The event is going to bring all Santinologists, celebrity and non-celebrity alike, to a day of merry-making and thanksgiving. The celebration is going to kick off with a religious procession in Bagoong Pag-Asa, where the sect was established last year. After the procession at 3 a.m., a healing service will be conducted by the sect's founder, Zaijan "Santino" Jaranilla, a child visionary-healer, along with the priests who broke away from the Catholic Church to join Jaranilla's sect. Jaranilla will then join members in a community breakfast at 6 a.m., and will later leave for QC to conduct a prayer rally 8:30 a.m. at ABS-CBN. Around midday, the showbiz members of the sect will stage a thanksgiving parade, starting from Quezon City Circle up to ABS-CBN. The parade will feature various floats depicting the sect's colorful history and a collegiate band will lead the parade. After the parade, two of the sect's prominent Santinologists, Dolphy and Nida Blanca, will lead a political rally along Mother Ignacia Avenue, where ABS-CBN is located. Later at 7 p.m., popular Santinologists will perform at the thanksgiving concert at the Quirino Grandstand. Santinologists Charise, Arnel Pineda of the band Journey, Martin Nievera, Toni Gonzaga, comedy concert queen Ai Ai Delas Alas, Rayver Cruz, Maja Salvador and heartthrob Sam Milby are among those who will perform at the concert. The celebration, expected to draw a million followers, is poised as a security headache for the authorities. The Philippine National Police (PNP) will deploy 50,000 cops around venues where the events are going to be held. Also, the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP) will provide security details to important members of the sect. The National Bureau of Investigation (CIDG) and Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) will also help provide security measures after receiving reports that rival sect The Temple of Goddess Darna will disrupt the event. Sniffing dogs, fire trucks, and bomb squad will also be brought to key locations. The Church of Santinology is the country's equivalent to the Church of Scientology, Kaballah, and Agape in the United States, where showbiz personalities also make up the prominent membership. Prominent Santinologists also includes starlet Krista Ranillo, Judy Ann Santos, Gloria Romero, EJ Falcom, Makisig Morales, Rosanna Roces, Gabby Concepcion, Maricar Reyes, Vhong Navarro, Anne Curtis, Wendy Valdez, and KC Concepcion. The sect, established last year, tried to operate as a Catholic movement, such as the Opus Dei, Catholic Youth Organization, El Shaddai and the Knights of Columbus. Jaranilla and some monks went to the Vatican to get the Pope's approval, but was rebuffed on the ground that some of its teachings are contrary to the Catholic Church. Jaranilla tried to get his group affiliated with major Protestant denominations and the Iglesia ni Cristo. After futile efforts, Jaranilla decided to break away from mainline Christianity and establish his own Christian church. However, Jaranilla is always open to the idea of returning to the fold of the Catholic Church.
Teacher Suspended for Leakage CEBU CITY - Engineer J. Seph, a professor at a university well-known for its "moremoney-higher-grades" policy, was suspended yesterday with an investigation pending on his illegal teaching methods. Engr. Seph had allegedly been giving lessons to students that were not pre-approved by the school. Eyebrows were raised on Seph when Mary (real name withheld), 14, a student at the university, passed the test she took last week. ―He (Engr. Seph) had been teaching Mary for only a week and she passed. There was one time that he taught this student for an entire year and she still failed every time she took the test. He almost undoubtedly gave some kind of leakage to Mary this time,‖ said the Dean of the "more-money-higher-grades" University. ―Mary was a really smart kid. When she told us the result of the test, I hit her with a horse lash. She passed it! I couldn‘t believe how dumb she was,‖ said Mary's father (IRC nickname withheld). Seph is known to be really caring for his students. He always gave one-on-one tutorials to students who lagged behind. He is very passionate about his teaching and even teaches out-of-school youths about life and its creation. ―The only thing I didn't like about Engr. Seph was his smoking habit. He always smoked after teaching me,‖ said Nene, a former student of Seph. ―Also, he taught much too fast, and when I asked him for a repeat of what he'd just taught me, he almost always said that his pen's already run out of ink,‖ added Nene. When asked for an opinion on whether Engr. Seph gave leakage to Mary, all she could answer was: ―I swear I‘m still a virgin.‖ – JS
Family Banished After Bombs Discovered LEFTTOWN – A family of 10 has been banned from setting foot in Brgy. Lorega ever again after strong evidence pointed to them as prolific bombmakers. Reports had been received since last month that suspicious people were going in and out of an abandoned lot in Lorega. The baranggay originally did not mind these reports since this is a common activity in the area. It was only yesterday that the baranggay was alarmed after a text message was sent by an anonymous "concerned citizen" informing them that he had seen bombs in the said abandoned lot. Baranggay tanods confirmed the reports after they discovered bombs of all sizes in the abandoned lot. These bombs were poorly concealed - only by leaves and sheets of paper. A bomb squad rushed to the scene to defuse the bombs, but no wire cutting was performed as the squad reported that these bombs were not armed. According to official reports, covering them with sufficient soil was enough to disable them. The reports also said that although these bombs are potentially dangerous when thrown at people, this kind is less destructive and can only cause temporary discomfort and humiliation, especially when in liquid form. Neighbors unanimously pointed to the Etamo family as the bomb makers. The family moved to the baranggay a month ago and had seen been living in a small hut beside the empty lot. One neighbor testified that family members would be seen sneaking into the lot especially at night. ―The youngsters of the family sometimes sneaked in even during the day,‖ said a playmate. Action was fast and the Etamos were immediately evicted from the barangay and the empty lot was fenced in. The bombs were immediately covered with soil as the foul smell was troubling the neighborhood. When the Etamos‘ hut was searched, it was verified that they did not have a toilet. The Etamos are now residing in Pasil, where bombs being dropped anywhere whenever nature calls is a commonplace activity. –JS
Marathoner Turns At Wrong Mark; Becomes Half-Marathoner CEBU CITY â€“ Local marathon hobbyist Junio Dela Rama, 43, participant in the 1st Cebu City Marthon, made a wrong turn at the 21K mark and suddenly became a halfmarathon hobbyist. Dela Rama earlier registered for the 42K event. He blamed the scantily-clad and likewise scantily-weighed female runners for his uncharacteristic loss of orientation. He was officially disqualified from the race in which he was not favored by a long shot to win anyway. "I realized I had made a mistake when I noticed there were only 12 of the 42K runners in front of me," he remarked. "Two of them were chicks and, man, their legs just went on forever!" Local drunks who had been drinking well into daybreak were found laughing in the vicinity but it remains unconfirmed whether they were laughing at Dela Rama's error or at a Pacman text joke. Further attempts to get a comment from the drunks were unsuccessful, as they had no sooner passed out on one of the tables at Routestop Convenience Store. Had he not been disqualified, Dela Rama would have placed 27th in the marathon, clocking in at a personal 42K best 2 hours and 38 minutes. He finished 239th in the 21K event, a feat that he has a hard time surrendering to disqualification. He is set to file a protest, which is set to be taken with very little gravity, tomorrow. â€“ DS
CNN Chart-topping Artist to Release New Single CAVITE CITY – Chart-topping dance-rock crooner Efren Peñaflorida is set to release a new single this February 14, a follow-up to his CNN Song of the Year ―Kariton Klasrum‖. The single, titled ―Kariton Angel‖ will come out as a dance track with romantic lyrics and full of rock guitar. Showbiz columnist Julie Ang Babaw, who co-wrote the track with Peñaflorida, described the up-coming single as ―a rock anthem that can make you dance and fall in love at the same time‖. Like ―Kariton Klasrum‖ the new single is also a personal song. Peñaflorida told FHM Radio that he wrote the song after sexy star Angel Locsin spurned his romantic advances. ―When I was still wooing (Locsin), I had in mind to write a song titled ―My Angel‖ which is about her‖ Peñaflorida told radio host Kriscross Aquino. ―After she refused to return my love, I decided to change the title to ―Kariton Angel.‖ At first Peñaflorida thought of recording the song as a pop ballad, but decided against it after watching Lady Gaga‘s ―Bad Romance‖ on Channel V. ―I wanted to express my emotional side, to show how I feel after Angel rejected me. After watching (Bad Romance) I felt like dancing.‖ Peñaflorida is expecting ―Kariton Angel‖ to replicate the success of his smash hit ―Kariton Klasrum‖. He has enlisted Pinoy rock icon Pepe Smith to play guitar in the recording and Journey vocalist Arnel Pineda to add back-up vocals to the track. For the music video, Peñaflorida had approached Glaiza de Castro, who appeared on GMA‘s ―Stairway to Heaven‖ to be his leading lady and dance partner. ―Glaiza looks like Angel. Can‘t you see the resemblance? Besides, Glaiza is also cute and sexy. What more can you ask for?‖ gushed Peñaflorida. ―Kariton Klasrum‖ was over-voted by fans as the no. 1 song at the CNN‘s Year-end Hot 100 Songs for 2009, earning Peñaflorida a cash prize and the CNN Artist of the Year plum. It is also the only single in CNN history to debut at the top spot both at the CNN Dance chart and the CNN Mainstream Rock chart, a feat which the record-breaking single achieved on November 23, 2009. According to the Facebook group Definitely Filipino, Peñaflorida has already sold more than 400,000 fans and friends of his hit single, and is nearing the gold mark. ―Kariton Angel‖ will be released by Peñaflorida‘s record outfit Dynamic Teen Company.
Mayor Sends SWAT Team To Halt Rival’s Project Mendawe City – Mendawe City Mayor Johan Court allegedly sent some SWAT personnel to B‘gay Up and Down last midnight to shut down an on-going HEKASI project belonging to his rival 26th District Congresswoman Marry Moon Royce. Mayor Court, at an interview in a nearby billiard hall, told PHG that the office of Cong. Royce did not secure the necessary permit for the project. He further added that Cong. Royce neither contacted nor even coordinated with his office in regard to the said project. ―How could the City Hall approve her (Royce) project if her camp failed to secure the proper permit from the Veterinarian‘s Office?‖ Mayor Court meekly asked after pocketing the no. 8 ball. ―Her actions both manifest her abuse of authority and ignorance of the laws and regulations in the City.‖ A Court aid, requesting anonymity, remarked that Cong. Royce‘s HEKASI project was long overdue. ―The HEKASI project should have been completed during the 1st semester. Why did she do it now at the 5th (semester?)‖ The incident, however, failed to overturn the ego of the Royce camp. They are thinking about filing a perjury suit before the Lupon ng Tagapamayapa. ―The SWAT personnel, who were armed with bamboo canes, claimed they only came to the site (of the project) to practice their tinikling dance‖ Cong. Royce told PHG. ―However, minutes lates, they began to tear down my project.‖ ‗It‘s an educational harassment‖ Royce‘s project coordinator Lu Ningning exclaimed. ―It‘s a special project. Why did (Court) tear it down?‖ Mayor Court and Cong. Royce are going to square off against each other at an undercard event under the Pacquiao-Mayweather bout this May 10 at the COMELEC Main Office. At stake is Court‘s seat as mayor of Mendawe City. For ticket reservations, cal 602-602.
Man Announced Clinically Dead; Resurrected CEBU CITY - A hit-and-run victim lives again after two hours of being clinically dead. Prokopio Manggubat Jr., single, age 38, Filipino, Roman Catholic, was run over yesterday at 9:30PM by a raging Ceres Liner bus at the intersection of the M. Bacalso highway. The accident crushed the man and sent him flying some distance straight into a gutter. However, the bus vanished into thin air after the incident and on-lookers did not see the plate numbers of the vehicle. They were, however, completely sure that it was a Ceres Liner. Paramedics came to the scene, placed the man on a gurney, and announced him dead on the spot inside the ambulance. However, after a few hours of being deceased, the man's heart began to palpitate again and he gradually lived, almost unscathed. Unfortunately, he was sent directly to a mental institution after he ran out of the Cebu City Medical Center (CCMC) yelling something about the Afterlife, causing a crowd of people to instigate a riot on the streets demanding their rights to know the ultimate truth and declaring the man a prophet of God Almighty, creator of Heaven and Hell. PHG rushed to the Vicente Sotto Mental Hospital and found the man in ward number 13 dancing and shouting these words, in total joviality and eternal repetition: "The Afterlife - it's real. It's beautiful. It's great. Hurry up, jump off the nearest cliff now or blow your brains out immediately!" On a possibly related note, the suicide death toll in Cebu City is reportedly rising. â€“ CDL
Year to End on the 31st of December VATICAN - In a rare case of understanding, religious leaders the world over have come to an agreement on the validity of a prophesy that has been loosely credited to Nostradamus. The prophesy, detailed on an ancient scroll estimated to be at the least 3 months old and bearing mystic art of what appears to be a scantily-clad high priestess lifting a bottle of sacred wine, foretells the end of the year on approximately 23:59 on the 31st of December. Preparations have been made for this apocalyptic event. For one thing, one of the writers for this news site promised to write a year-ender article, and we're REALLY hoping he gets to it soon. Many skeptics have remained doubtful, however, and have continued living their lives as usual. "I just don't buy into this Nostradamus crap," said Raj Shodiabas, 35, a devout Hindu. "It doesn't look like the year will ever end." Others still, mostly academic-types in universities doing whatever it is they do there, have claimed that it's a silly prophesy and tells "nothing that we didn't already know". Further attempts to come in contact with these people for an elaboration of their statement have proven futile so far. â€“ DS
Jobless Elves Line Up After Santa Factory Shutdown NORTH POLE â€“ In the midst of the economic crisis that pummeled on in the year 2009, the Santa's Little Helpers Union (SLHU) has made known a high availability of elf-slaves in the coming two days, as toys-and-goodies tycoon Santa Claus has been forced to temporarily shut down his factory in the North Pole, currently the only branch of the huge conglomerate. "I don't blame him," said Nino, 356, father of fifteen desolate little elflets. "In fact, I'm glad he had the heart to keep the plant running until now despite the trying year." Grandpa Smurf, long-running president of the union, announced in a press conference that the union did not in anyway hold any hard feelings towards Claus's decision, but wished he had given them a more advanced notice. "A month ago, the Yuletide industry was teeming with jobs for elves like us," he remarked. "Regrettably, all these jobs have now been filled in by the gnomes who were laid off from Jack Frost's failed attempt at a toys-and-goodies startup." Since the announcement, several elves have reportedly gone on to pursue other goals. An improvement in general sensitivity towards elves has allowed a large number to enroll in prestigious university programs in the United States, Canada, and Australia. On the other hand, some of the more ambitious elves have started writing novels and forming bands, hoping to take advantage of their creative side. An increased saturation in the Yuletide gift industry, as observed by economists for years to date, has ultimately led to the current direness of the situation. It is unclear when Santa Claus's factory is set to re-open, but the date is rumored to be not less than a year from today. In possibly unrelated news, a sudden spike in the world supply of reindeer meat, particularly of the flying kind, has led several fictitious animal rights groups to organize rallies around the globe. â€“ DS
Abortions To Drop Expeditiously Once RA Implemented CEBU CITY â€“ The Association of Mothers Bothered by Uncalled-for Termination (AMBUT), Cebu Branch, has filed a complaint against mother ducks who mercilessly sell their eggs for food and shelter. Abortion in Cebu has risen to an alarming rate of thousands a day, and a big portion of that, approximately 99.69%, is due to the growing demand of balut in the city. AMBUT sees this industry as a heinous act of annihilation. "The only way to stop this alarming rise of abortion cases is to make these mothers (breeding ducks) aware that selling their eggs is viewed by our country as illegal", said the president of AMBUT-Cebu, Mrs. Maria M. Akiling. As of today, a new Republic Act RA 09483, entitled "The Anti-Abortion Act of Cebuanos: Human and Other Occupants (AAACHOO)", is being processed and instigated. RA 09483 states that all living inhabitants in Cebu are under the mandate that "one cannot have abortion - or acts pertaining to, similar to, relating to, correlating to or anything remotely close to killing one's baby without even hearing him/her/it cry uwah-uwah, meeee-meeee, quack-quack, et al." Attorney Domingo Bahoiti, who claimed to be the legal spokesperson for AMBUTCebu, took the time to explain the impact of this new RA. "It should not be taken lightly by them (ducks) if this RA is to be passed, as they could be seeing themselves in prison for as long as 16-20 years, depending on how old their eggs were. When an egg is confiscated, the number written on it would also be the number of years the mother will be imprisoned. Of course, we would need DNA testings to trace the eggs back to the mother - and all that necessary stuff," ranted Atty. Bahoiti. Much to say, the ducks have also prepared for their counter, but no official statement about it has been made because a translator is nowhere to be found. â€“ ML
Mahal and Mura Run For Congress MANILA â€“ Has-been celebrity midget twins Mahal and Mura, known for their witty oneliners and notorious for carrying on whirlwind romances with other prominent celebrities in the showbiz circle, yesterday made a statement declaring that they're ready to move on to fulfill "more noble" ambitions and filed their joint certificate of candidacy for one congress seat in the 25th Congressional district. The twins insisted that they file for only a single seat, as they were visibly small enough to fit in it if you stacked one over the other. Commission on Elections officials yesterday scrambled for a ruling to declare the certificate void. The celebrity twins' move would be a first in the history of any democracy, and many pundits have denounced the move as a political gimmick set to ruin the well-established Philippine political system. However, no one could find any provision limiting the occupancy of a congressional seat to one person. Asked about their chances of winning the race, Mahal and Mura expressed full confidence. "Two heads are better than one," they said in unison and laughed. "Besides, we're really popular with the male midgets demographic, and this is the demographic that they say will determine how next year's elections turn out." â€“ DS
Manhunt On for Motorist Taking Up Two Parking Spaces CEBU CITY â€“ Security guards on patrol at the Ayala Life FGU Building basement parking faced the biggest shock of their lives upon finding an average-sized 1996 Mazda sedan occupying not one, but two parking spaces. Parked neatly across one of the lines dividing each parking space, authorities have determined this act to be premeditated and not a mere accident. "It is beyond me how any human being could do this," said one security guard, whose name has been withheld. "I don't think I can do this job anymore. I've seen some horrible things in my tumultuous career as a security guard, but I never thought I'd see this happen." As of press time, the police have placed the offending car under heavy surveillance and are waiting for the owner to appear. More than 24 hours have passed and the car remains unclaimed. The Cebu City council is now convening to push for stricter laws against heinous parking crimes. "This is a blatant act of terrorism," Councilor Junjun Dionisio announced in a press statement, "and we must take measures to protect our beloved city." â€“ DS
PHG Staff Wiped Out From The Face of the Earth PLAZA HOUSING â€“ In a bizarre apocalyptic turn of events, the entire staff of the Plaza Housing Gazette have been effectively wiped out from the face of the earth, thus explaining the extended lack of new material on the news site. Initial investigations by the NBI have it that the disappearance may have been the direct consequence of a hydrogen bomb dropped on the unsuspecting staff's headquarters, evidenced by the large mushroom cloud still clearly visible from a kilometer away. "I'm still in shock," wept regular reader and self-proclaimed no.1 fan Christine Reyes. "I read the Plaza Housing Gazette exclusively and now I have no idea where I'll be getting my news!" She added before logging in to less reliable news sources like the Freeman. Subscribers are advised to stay alert for the resurrection of the said staff, which is due anytime now. Yes.. aaannyyy time now. - NO ONE
The best of irreverent and irrelevant news satire by the same people who brought you Bomba! Press.