The Warrior•Humor December 11, 2009
A Selfless Entreaty for the Battle of Bourgeoise Beauty by Jake Steiner ‘10 As a proud owner of a home, I feel it to be my duty to keep my little space of living as aesthetically pleasing as possible, no matter how impractical the cost may be. Any browning grass in my yard receives an extra fresh coating of Benjamin Moore Douglas Fir green paint to keep my yard uniform and lush. Any withering plants receive an extra helping of nitrogen rich fertilizer to stimulate their vibrant growth. And just to make sure no critters come and eat away any of the beauty in my yard, all lawn care is supplemented with some good old-fashioned DDT pesticide. Do any of these things really hurt the environment that much? I wouldn’t know. All I have to say about that is that there are six billion people on this planet, and one person’s impact seems negligible compared to the impact of the other 5,999,999 people in the world, right? Okay, look, I have found a few dead deer, killed rabbits and—don’t tell the feds this—“sleeping” bald eagles in my yard, but I made sure that their sacrifice didn’t go to waste. Just like the nature loving Indians, I used every single bone, hair and the occasional feather of each animal to make wonderful pieces of clothing, lavish decorations or delicious meals. Besides, the work I’ve done on my house has turned into a wondrous work of art, and, as we all know, art requires suffering and sacrifice. I’m confident that, if those hundreds of animals understood why they had died, they would feel just as proud as I am of what has become of my beautiful house. However—and I can’t express this enough—you have no idea how angry it makes me to see other homeowners neglect beauty and tidiness for the sake of more environmentally conscious alternatives when it comes to maintaining their yard and household exterior. I’m seeing neighbors put up God awful, unsightly “solar panels” onto their rooftops that supposedly capture sunlight and convert it into valuable electricity to power their kitchen utensils. Ha! The Greeks tried to harness solar energy centuries ago, and we all know what happens when you fly too close to the sun! Besides, the metallic sheen from those panels casts a glare into my eyes as I walk my lovely poodle, Fritzy, down the lane. She barks all day long to complain to me about it, so I figure I should put her outside all day to complain to the neighbors who installed those panels instead.
These hippies have also cut back on trimming their lawns every other day to exactly 1 7/8 inches, presumably to conserve gas, reduce their “carbon footprint” and save the planet, or something ridiculous like that, but they have no idea how much of a jungle the neighborhood turns into once the residents start letting their lawns go. Do you know what kind of animals can move through grass over two inches high? Well, maybe a mouse, some kind of bugs, oh! and snakes! I hate garden snakes! Like the book of Genesis tells us all, the serpent is what tempted Eve to bite the forbidden fruit and cast her and Adam out of Eden. So are we supposed to let our grass grow to the point where more serpents can enter our lawns and ruin the gardens, both literal and metaphorical, of our own lives? Chew on that for a while, you green-minded freaks! Oh, but what I can’t stand—what I absolutely cannot stand!—are clotheslines hanging up in the backyards of my neighbors’ houses! Those tiny, seven millimeter thick strings hanging from over 20 yards away have impeded my vision for far too long! I have kindly requested of my neighbors to get rid of those ugly, useless, unsightly pieces of woodwork at least two times, but each time they reply saying, “By letting the air naturally dry our clothes, we save energy that might be unnecessarily used to power a washer or drier.” Save energy? Save energy?! Don’t they know that the universe is in a state of continually increasing entropy all the time and that nature favors anything that furthers that purpose? Heck, if my neighbors love nature so much and wish to honor its presence, why wouldn’t they support using up as much energy as possible? My neighbors are idiots, however, and don’t understand this logic, or any logic, when I try explaining it to them. So recently I’ve taken the initiative at Homeowner’s Association meetings to rally fellow believers in mob-like fashion to politely burn down our neighbors’ clotheslines, spray anti-glare aerosol, chock full of chlorofluorocarbons, on their solar panels and terrorize their friends and families until each and every homeowner learns that gardens and nature must first look good before it can be considered worth preserving. Any one who wishes to join me in this cause can contact me at my email, Danielle_DeForester783@yahoo.com, or register as a loyal member of my cool website www.humblehouseholdhelp.org.
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Dear Nancy, There is a cute guy that sits next to me in science. He’s nice and he helps me when I “don’t understand.” We talk a lot. Sometimes he hints that he might like me but how do I know? Is he just being nice or is there something more? -Hopelessly Confused Dear Hopelessly Confused, The circumstances provided in your submission are sparse to say the least. Still, I will try and help you out with your scientific stud. While your fauxignorance likely isn’t garnering you any points, there is still a chance that this guy could like you. There are several things you can look for in your daily science class routine that could give away his affections. If he is always asking to be your lab partner, there is a chance that you two could have chemistry beyond what Mrs. Orange or Dr. Cross could ever teach you. While there are other ways to guess as to if he likes you, the only way to know for sure is to ask him. You have nothing to lose with such an endeavor, so the best course of action is for you to simply confront the cutie. -Nancy Dear Nancy, My parents hate my boyfriend and don’t want me to see him because my grades are slipping. I don’t want to have to break-up with him, but I don’t want to sneak around behind my parents back, either. What should I do? -Torn
Dear Torn, Obviously your biggest problem here is that your parents don’t approve of your boyfriend or slumping grades, but another serious issue of yours is your mindset that causes you to not want to sneak around behind your parents back. Such tyranny like your parents are exhibiting needs to be met with rebellion, just ask philosopher John Locke. So, instead of finding a third option aside from a break-up and sneaking around, you need to perfect your skills at the ladder. However, there is always the possibility that your parents know what they are talking about. There is a chance that
your declining grades and budding relationship could be correlated. In this case, if your boyfriend is really affecting you negatively, you may want to evaluate your situation and take the advice handed down by your forceful parents. If, however, you feel how you do in school has nothing to do with your boyfriend, and he is largely a positive part of your life, you should try to make your parents understand this as much as you. -Nancy Dear Nancy, This really hot guy I like asked me on a date this weekend. I am supposed to go out to dinner with my dad, though (my parents are divorced). How can I tell my dad so he doesn’t get mad at me? -What about Dad? Dear What about Dad?, In this scenario you’re truly stuck in a tight spot. If you really want to go out with this guy, you are going to have to deceive your loving father. I hope you feel great about yourself. For this to work, and to spare your father’s feelings, there are several factors you must consider in constructing your lie. For one, your story must convey a sense of urgency so your dad will allow you to back out of your plans. Furthermore, you must choose something that couldn’t irk your father, who gave life to you but you refuse to go to dinner with. For example, he would likely be annoyed by your procrastination if you told him that you had an essay or something to do. I would recommend telling him that you had been planning a birthday party for a friend and you had completely forgotten that dinner with your poor father fell on the same day. This story has urgency since a birthday only occurs once a year, and your dad will likely be pleased that you are hanging out with friends rather than your hottie-of-the-month. Getting yourself out of dinner is only half the battle, you still have the task of mending the tattered relationship with the father you blew off. He likely loves you despite your lying ways, so as long as you make plans to reschedule, he should be okay. -Nancy
cartoon by Michael Wagner ‘12
December 11, 2009
unior heartthrob Noah Booz has been the talk of the halls for the past two years now. “His boyish good looks are what gets me!” squeals an anonymous teenage girl. The platinum-blonde’s following has grown with his popularity, especially with girls ages 15 to 17. Recently, Booz has caused a stir in the female Sherwood community due to an alleged romantic relationship with junior Alli Caporaletti. The two lovebirds have been spotted together numerous times in the last six weeks. Ever since the football game against Churchill on October 23, they have been inseparable. For the past year, friends of Booz have observed some “sexual tension” between him and Caporaletti. Some students have even witnessed the couple flirting, or rather hugging extensively, when they think no one is watching. It has been only a matter of time before the two developed into a relationship. At the football game the two were seen holding hands and gazing into each other’s eyes suggestively. During the few weeks afterwards students labeled the two an “item,” much to the dismay of Booz’s female fan club, “Booz’s Babes.” The two students have been spending their lunches and their time after school together. Witnesses have even seen them leaving Sherwood together in the same car! Members of “Booz’s Babes,” are offended by his decision, but moreover they are jealous of Ca-
New girl in Booz’s life!
Q: What are your feelings about the relationship? A: SoccerQT1292: She is one lucky lady! ; ) Heart throb spotted eating lunch with Caporaletti.
BoozsBabe17: He could do sooo much better. Just look at the fan club. xoxoGLENNISxoxo: This relationship doesn’t work. First does she even dress herself? Noah can’t be seen with someone like that. : \ <--- YUCK!
Q:Why are you the perfect girl for Noah?
photos by Ben Durham ‘10 poraletti. “What is he thinking? He’s too good for her!” says senior Ally Chanin. “He’s going to lose his popularity!” Chanin and her friends, who chose to remain anonymous, egged Caporaletti’s house in response to the allegations. A confrontation between the fan club and Booz seems im-
Caught in the act. Booz’s hand on mystery girl’s leg.
minent. Booz and Caporaletti both refused to comment on the situation, thus proving the allegations to be true. Students should watch this relationship closely; Booz has been known to leave girls behind in the past without much closure. So for those females who dream
of being in Caporaletti’s shoes, there is still hope. Inside sources say that Booz “likes brown-eyed girls who enjoy looking at him,” and for those who are wondering, sources also say that “Booz uses Herbal Essences, not Head & Shoulders.”
A: PrEtTyInPiNk: I just love guitarists who flip their hair. <3
I’d promise to be at every show!! MissPerfect93: I’m perfect, and he’s perfect, so we are perfect
by Ben Durham ‘10
“What is he thinking? He’s too good for her! He’s going to lose his popularity!”
In the past I’ve had really bad luck with guys. Well, I guess that’s not entirely true because in order to have bad luck with guys, it requires talking to guys. I can’t even vaguely remember the last time I chatted up a guy who wasn’t either a coworker or a relative and even then, I keep the conversation extremely brief because I always do something mortifying. This all traces back to my teenage years when I was known as Macho Meg, Muscular Meg, and my personal favorite, Manly Meg. Ever since, it’s been hard to find a guy I’m not scared to talk to when the only thing I can think about is how I apparently look like one. I’ve been thinking about how I just graduated college and I need to get over my fear of talking to guys, so I have decided that the best way to overcome this stage fright is to start the search online on dating websites. It’s been a week and my inbox on these dating websites has exploded. One man stood out to me in particular, Blake Conway. He is two years younger than me and goes to the community college near by, so I figured I should give it a shot; how immature could he be? A week later after trying to stall and quiet my nerves,
I replied to his message and decided to meet him for dinner. He saw me sitting at my table when he entered the restaurant and smiled at me, so it turns out I didn’t scare him off. We had all the raw materials for a perfect first date. And then it happened. He pulled out a “sword” faster than I could even open up the menu. When I say sword, please realize I’m referring to a plastic wand painted silver that says “great avenger” on it. At first I thought it was a big practical joke because we have exchanged flirty jokes about how he’s younger, but no, after I began to hysterically laugh at this idiotic gesture, he began poking me with this said sword and calling me a demon. To say the least, I said “check” before I could even decide what to order. After this date, I tried my hardest not to lose hope in finding the perfect boyfriend, but I find it hard when the first chance I got, I got mauled by Mr. I Read Too Many Comic Books. I got a message from Peter Campbell. I tried to go for an older man this time, thinking he’d be a little more mature. My heart fluttered as I walked into Starbucks and saw the most handsome guy I’ve ever laid my eyes
upon, but then it stopped. Why was an elderly woman sitting across from him and smoothing out his hair? I gagged, but slowly approached the dynamic duo. Turns out, it wasn’t so weird that an older woman was being affectionate because that woman happened to have given birth to him. I don’t know which was more surprising, the fact that his mom came along on the date with her full grown son, or the fact that he seemed more into talking to his mom than even meeting me. I left before I even bought my coffee and he showed no reaction; just scooted closer to his mother. Wow, game over. I refuse to go on another date. I always was told that the third time’s a charm, but with bad luck like mine I don’t even want to test that theory out. With each date getting more and more pathetic, nothing’s really drawing me to say yes to another one. I’m deleting all of my accounts now and moving on from this horrible experience. The only thing that this has taught me is that you never really know what you get when you search for a romance interest on the internet….never.
Published on Dec 15, 2009