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The Warrior•Humor February 24, 2010

Bartholomew the Cat

Notes to

y c n Na

Dear Nancy, I’m a freshman this year, and so far, I have no friends. I have a few people I’ll talk to during classes but never outside of school. To be honest, I really don’t love being around people, and I find myself bored a lot during conversations. I don’t want to be lonely like in middle school. How can I make more friends without having to change who I am? -Friendless Freshman

cartoon by Anne Marie Salter ‘10

From Baby Crusher to Babysitter: Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson’s Story by Adam Kopp ‘11 As students move through high school and beyond, many may feel like they are being pigeonholed to a certain path by their parents, whether that be a certain college or career. However, the next time you feel yourself being pushed in a certain direction, consider the adolescent life of actor and former wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. His father, Rocky Johnson, was a professional wrestling champion, and Dwayne’s maternal grandfather was the head of a famous family of Samoan wrestlers. Throughout a childhood highlighted by pile drivers and body slams, it is unlikely that Mr. and Mrs. Johnson paid much attention to dreams young Dwayne may have had—perhaps to be a veterinarian or a chef. Ultimately, Dwayne did become a World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) champion, but soon used the fame he garnered from wrestling to make the transition into acting. Johnson’s first roles were of the type one would expect from a man of his training: he starred in “The Mummy Returns” and as the title character of its spin-off, “The Scorpion King.” Next, he starred as Chris Vaughn, a merciless sheriff in “Walking Tall.” Johnson seemed to have developed a fixation with law enforcement as he portrayed a correctional officer in 2006’s “Gridiron Gang.” It seemed inevitable that Johnson would play a police officer of some sort in his next film. Instead, in a move no one could have seen coming, he traded in the badge for a leotard to star and dance alongside the precocious Madison Pettis in “The

Game Plan.” Apparently he enjoyed the wholesome family comedy scene, and the ability to freely wear tights, as he portrays a fairy in his latest film “Tooth Fairy.” That’s right: all along it has been “The Rock” trading children money for their lost teeth (I’m not sure what “The Rock” is cooking, but it sounds like a restraining order). Johnson, however, is not the first wrestler to scorn his tough guy reputation by appearing in a childish movie. After all, Andre the Giant appeared in “The Princess Bride” and Hulk Hogan was “Mr. Nanny.” Even beyond the field of wrestling, there seems to be a correlation between toughness and family films. Vin Diesel made a name for himself with films like “xXx,” but his own testosterone-fueled image was erased when he did a movie by the name of “The Pacifier.” Don’t be so quick to mock Diesel yet, because, while not fast, I dare you to show me something more furious than an angry baby. There is also the case of actor-turned-rapper, Ice Cube. During his years as a rapper, Ice Cube considered a good day as one in which he “didn’t even have to use [his A.K.]” For Ice Cube the actor, however, it’s a good day when the kids don’t get too rambunctious on a overly long road trip. One has to wonder what his “Dead Homiez” would think of “Are We There Yet?” and its sequel, “Are We Done Yet?” So, in reality Johnson is in no way a trail blazer when it comes to becoming a fairy. And, growing up, Johnson may have admired fellow strongman Arnold Schwarzenegger, not so much for his muscles, but for his candid performance in “Kindergarten Cop.”

Dear Friendless Freshman, I would never tell you to not be yourself, as far too many of your peers are likely doing that already. It does seem, however, that you may be exaggerating the extent to which others bore or bother you. You say that you don’t love being around people, but that you would like to make friends. Well, with that attitude, it is easy to understand why some people may not want to be your friend. If you truly don’t enjoy the company of others, you may have just been surrounding yourself with the wrong kinds of people. There are always going to be others who you just can’t get along with (like the clan of “Others” led by Benjamin Linus on ABC’s “Lost”) but, if you look hard enough, I’m sure you will be able to find at least one other person in Sherwood’s student body who is interested in the same things as you are—and who knows, they may even be interested in you. A great way to find someone like this is to join a club or two. Every morning, morning announcements spokespersons Rachel Lewis and Shakir Lyon give us a thorough report on the clubs that are to meet that day. If one of these interests you, it’d be advisable to stop on by!


Dear Nancy, I’ve been friends with this girl for practically my entire life, and now, all of a sudden,

she practically wants nothing to do with me. She’s started hanging out with the “popular” kids and whenever I see her she just ignores me. What can I do? -Old Friend Dear Old Friend, Ah, the classic childhood-friendscorned-for-popularity. Cases such as yours have been well documented in both television and the movies. Let us not forget that Lizzie McGuire was once great friends with the show’s villain, Kate Sanders, and Janis Ian, from “Mean Girls,” called Regina George her friend before a disturbing rumor was spread in eighth grade. Clearly she does not want to be friends with you any longer (I mean, take a hint, sis), so there are several other courses of action you could take. One of which would be to seek your revenge. Obviously, if you know of any students transferring from South Africa in the near future (a la Lindsay Lohan), you could have them try to infiltrate the group of your former friend and wreak havoc on her way of life. Somehow, I have a feeling that such a plan could end badly, however, and, unless you enjoy jungle-inspired hallucinations and girls getting hit by buses, you may want to try something else. Seeing as she has been your friend for a long time, there must be something you know about her that she would like to be kept a secret. And, nowadays, with technologies like Facebook and Twitter, putting some permanent rouge on her face is easier than ever... not that I would ever recommend something like that. Ultimately, you’re just going to have to move on with your life and leave the burn book in the closet (literally and figuratively). You deserve better than a friend that would treat you in such a manner and just like “Friendless Freshman,” you should start looking in Sherwood’s many clubs, and you should also strengthen friendships with your other friends.


Ask Nancy If you have a problem and you need advice Here’s what you can do: Drop off your note to Nancy in the folder located ouside of the newspaper office (C268) Send your note in through the Warrior Online Message your note to Notes to Nancy on Facebook

The Warrior•Humor February 24, 2010

Social Security Goes Bye-Bye-Bye by Maria Romas ‘10 I know it might seem too early to think about your retirement, but just consider that financial experts point out that young people should start building their retirement savings in their twenties. Social security is being sucked dry by a huge Baby Boomer generation, many of whom are living into their eighties and beyond. How are we going to survive in our Golden Years? A few suggestions, if I may. 1. You can always, of course, look to your neighbors’ kids to make your money: they are young, and they won’t know if you are cheating them out of their cold hard cash. Making use of your fine education by doing their homework would get you a ton of money from those little pipsqueaks. How hard will it be to recall all that old, useless geometry and allow your time to be consumed by mounds of busywork that teachers surely will be assigning in 2050. Easy as pie. 2. Even though you won’t be a spring chicken in 50 years, that doesn’t mean physical labor

is out of the question. Future generations, increasingly made fat and lazy by technology, will need someone to basically upkeep their homes. Ladies, send your husbands to the neighbors’ houses to shovel the driveways in the winter, rake the leaves in the fall, water the flowers in the summer, and mow the lawn in the spring. Men, it would be wise to simply comply with what your wives demand of you—lack of food and other such luxuries only makes them more irritable. It doesn’t matter if a major cause of heart attacks is strenuous yard work: if you don’t do it, you will die of starvation anyways, so embrace the pain. 3. When all else fails, turn to the simple begging on the street corners. Maybe people will feel bad for you because you are old, and give you money. Of course, it might help if you have a witty sign, like, “No food, No money, No pride,” or something of that nature. 4. Who really needs all of their internal organs and body parts? Give up that extra kidney, those unnecessary pinkie fingers and toes. If necessary, you can

even give up legs. Who needs them? We don’t move around that much anyways in our old age. There is a huge underground market for body parts if you know the right people (see Earl on the third floor for help). 5. If your goal is not just to survive old age, but to be wealthy in those sunset years, you’re going to need a career that relies on more than a 401K or terrible pension plans. In case you haven’t heard, money investment plans have given little help to those of our generation. A sure-fire way to make a lot of money fast is to invest some time into becoming a prostitution madam or drug courier. Both of these slightly unconventional professions will completely ensure you and your husband or wife will live happily ever after, as long as you don’t get caught. Hopefully, the tips listed will help you stay alive during those trying times in the future. Who knows? Maybe the trust fund will magically become full again, and we won’t have to go to such drastic measures. Yeah, and maybe people will live on the sun!

Caution: Quest to Find Doppelganger May Result in Immediate Death by Kim Wan ‘10 Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her. By the time I understood what I was seeing, she had already traveled halfway down the hall. I quickened my pace to get a good look at her. But the only thing visible was the sheen of her black hair, before she rounded the corner and vanished from sight. After this chance encounter, it became my quest to find her. I needed to meet this elusive person in order to sort fact from fiction: does she indeed look like me? I would not have been as motivated if my friends had not all faced various encounters in which they had approached my doppelganger only to find out they were terribly mistaken. One of my good friends said that she had called out to whom she assumed was me, but found out with bewilderment that she was in fact not talking to me but to the girl who looked like me. Though she has only known me for a short time, I was just as shocked to hear her rap the wrong girl hard in the back in order to get her attention. Another recollection from a friend proved to me that this was not just a mistake of one fleeting glance. As he was traipsing down the hall, he thought he saw me walking toward him. He raised his arm as if about to wave an enthusiastic hello but realized with astonishment that he was not about to wave to me but to the girl who looked uncannily like me. He lowered his arm and awkwardly made a swatting motion in order to mask his embarrassment. I hear that she even has


5 Easy ways

to show that someone special how much you care

by Kevin Hogan ‘10

Valentine’s Day: it’s the time of year when young lovers let down their guard and express the adoration that they’ve been keeping secret all year. The utterly romantic atmosphere is hard to ignore; the smell of roses overwhelms the nostrils and the incessant recital of Shakespearean sonnets nearly deafens the ears. Even the manliest of football linemen can be softened by Cupid’s spell on this magical day, and are often seen tearing up with joy as they open boxes of candy hearts from their secret admirer. But while Valentine’s Day brings immense happiness and romance to many of its observers, it also strikes a fear into the hearts of the masses. How can I ask him/her to be mine without warranting simultaneous ridicule from hundreds of my peers? And what if he/she rejects my innocent entreaty by simply pretending that I don’t exist? That, my friends, is why I’m here. You see, as many people don’t know, I spent my early high school years taking night classes at the University of Desire, where I double-majored in Chemistry and Elizabethan Poetry. I continued my romantic pursuits at Heartvard University up in Massachusetts, where I attained a Ph.D. after my groundbreaking work on Love Potion #9. In short, I am quite literally Dr. Love. Due to my expertise, I felt compelled to do everything in my power to eliminate the worries and uncertainties that consume so many of us on February 14. I’ve compiled a list of five simple Valentine’s gestures that are clinically proven to make your one true love fall head over heels for you:


Use a pick-up line. Tested and true, these romantic oneliners are the secret weapons of any smooth-talker’s arsenal. Approach your secret love and shout, “Hey baby! What’s your sign?” Not only is this guaranteed to be the start of a very romantic evening, but it provides perfect opportunity to follow (in rhyme) with “Will you be mine?” Any fear of rejection you may have will instantly evaporate when you realize that nobody could possibly resist such beautiful poetry.


Kick it old school by sending him/her a children’s cartoon-themed Valentine’s Day card. Your special someone will be showered with countless pleasant memories of innocent elementary school romance. My personal suggestion is to go with Scooby Doo. (His/her heart will melt after seeing a caption from this lovable cartoon dog that reads, “I Rike You Rwerry Much.”)

Imagine seeing two of you in the mirror. Ancient Chinese secret says the result is imminent death. photo by Ariana Rodriguez-Gitler ‘10 the same mannerisms as me and wore the same expression I would make to my puzzled male friend when he does something weird; but I would not doubt that this has more to do with him than me. In light of these cases of blundering misidentifications, I felt that I owed it to them to figure out who this girl is who could freely go about as my imposter and trick all my unknowing friends. So I pondered my doppelganger’s capture. Because I would be more likely to “run into her” in school, that ruled out options that could get me entangled with security. The goal was to come face-toface with this girl and finally be a witness to the awe-inducing resemblance, not get kicked out of school. Snatching her from a

girls’ bathroom was hardly a better idea. The key was to be subtle in her capture, but subtlety in covert operations is not my specialty. After a month or so of futile efforts, I have finally settled with failure in the search for my doppelganger. After Wikipedia-ing the origins of the word “doppelganger,” which is my favorite word for a look-alike of a person, I have become enlightened to the fact that it would be wiser to leave this mystery unsolved. According to ancient lore, to meet one’s doppelganger results in imminent death. In a roundabout conclusion to this madness, I learned that I am much better at escaping the Jaws of Death instead of finding them.


Sure, a heart-shaped box of chocolates is delicious and it’s a tradition that goes way back, but your love will most likely be offended to see that you’re giving him/her food that is detrimental to his/her health. Avoid this amateur mistake by giving your crush a container of assorted vegetables instead. This low-calorie, low-sugar option will extend your love’s life expectancy, giving him/her more satisfaction than any package of candies could ever provide.


Send him/her a romantic text message. What better way to show how much you care than to send your crush 160 characters of pure affection? For added effect, you can let him or her know that you took the time to type with “abc” instead of “T-9 word” while creating your digital love message. And be sure (as I am every time I send a text) to close with a “lolz” and a winking emoticon ; ).


When all else fails use my personal favorite: the “eyes.” I’ll warn you that this move will take a few months of practice in front of a mirror to perfect (learning this procedure was my capstone at UD), but it’s well worth it in the end. Begin by giving your love a simple stare to catch his/her attention. When you get eye contact, look away; it’s crucial to play a little bit of hard-to-get at first. After exactly fifteen seconds, resume the stare. When you get eye contact again, immediately perform two medium-high eyebrow raises followed by a left-eyelid wink. If this technique (when performed correctly) doesn’t completely place your love under Cupid’s spell then, well, my name isn’t Dr. Kevin Hogan.


Humor - February 2010 - The Warrior Online