HOROSCOPES The stars don't lie.
ARIES | March 21 - April 20
You cannot continue to blame your anger on the absence of Schine quesadillas. For November, take a deep breath and go to Alto Cinco. We promise, it’s all going to be ok.
CANCER | June 22 - July 22
You’re going to completely eat it on the promenade this winter and everyone is going to see. Pick yourself up and ignore the inevitable bruising. It happens to the best of us (but seriously, WHY is there no salt here?!).
LIBRA | September 24 - October 23
We hate to be the bearers of bad news, but meeting your soulmate in the drippy basement of a band house is not actually romantic. This month, aim higher. You deserve it.
CAPRICORN | December 22 - January 20
Stealing composites from various sports houses doesn’t make you cool, Capricorn. We admire your stealthy reflexes, but this month, try putting it back where you found it. Illustrations by SHANNON KIRKPATRICK
TAURUS | April 21 - May 20
This month, stop juuling in the library — you’re not as discreet as you think you are. Also, the tobacco pod? Love yourself.
LEO | July 23 - August 23
As December approaches, it serves as a reminder that being in FYP does not give you the right to start belting holiday songs in the middle of a conversation. We appreciate your excellent vibrato, but please sir, it’s a Tuesday.
SCORPIO | October 24 - November 22
Some may call you hard to read, Scorpio, but we know that underneath that tough exterior there’s a warm center. Also, you’re going to have three fire drills this week. Sorry, we don’t make the rules.
AQUARIUS | January 21 - February 18
We get it, you’re a free spirit, but stop trying to run away from your friends after two drinks. No one wants to spend their night chasing after you and, truthfully, you seem to be getting faster.
GEMINI | May 21 - June 21
You hate being called two-faced, but have the same amount of followers on your finsta as your rinsta. Now is the time to unapologetically block the snakes and live your best life, queen.
VIRGO | August 24 - September 23
You seem like the kind of person to ask the professor 27 different questions in the last five minutes of class. Love the enthusiasm, Virgo, but this is earth science — consider giving it a break for the rest of the semester.
SAGITTARIUS | November 23 - December 21
This month, consider venturing beyond the dining hall for dinner. You’ve had the same soggy Ernie pizza for three days in a row now, and we’re starting to worry about you.
PISCES | February 19 - March 20
Stop falling for every sad boi you see, Pisces. Just because they wear black nail polish unironically doesn’t mean they’re the one for you.
EQUALTIME | 43