MY DIARY OF CAFFEINE ABUSE by Donnie Rust
07.30: My colleague decides to put on some widow-maker coffee. This is specially bought coffee that is brewed in a machine and after much bubbling, vibrating and a small puff of smoke in the shape of a skull and crossbones you can enjoy a glass-melting cup of pure caffeine. This is coffee… on coffee. 08.30: I return from my third trip to the toilet, walk into the office and it’s like throwing myself into a cloud of coffee and slowly sinking into it like the softest mattress. I literally wade through the air to get to my desk. Yes, the air in our office is enough to stain my custom Maccy white shirt brown. 09.00: Spinning around in my chair 09.30: Still spinning 10.00: Unaccounted for 10.30: Third cup of coffee, provided for by a colleague with slightly fuzzy outlines and a strained smile that looks like it is hurting his face. 11.00: Fifth cup and the conversations in the office lose all punctuation and I can actually see the words spilling out of my co-workers mouths in long, un-spaced sentences. 11.30: Caffeine has officially kicked in. We are no longer
talking and instead we’re running around yelling at each other and making fun of the accompanying subtitles. 12.00: I tie myself down to write an article. I have heard other people cite how caffeine is the drug of choice for hyperproductivity however I’ve found it is quite literally impossible to be productive when you find yourself this far over the line of sobriety. 13.00: I return to writing my article after being distracted by a feature about detailed pictures of the human iris. 13.30: I produce a quick doodle on the corner of my note pad about how to fix the ozone layer with a fountain pen and a leather belt. 14.00: I return to writing the article that’s at hand. As I understand it, caffeine works by inhibiting the effects of Adenosine in the receptor cells in the brain, which
are the little buggers that calm the activity of the nervous system thus triggering tiredness. Caffeine molecules bind to these receptor cells but have no active effect on the nervous system. However by doing so they take the place of adenosine molecules that could make a difference. This process is known as “competitive inhibition” and effectively delays the onset of fatigue, increases alertness and improves people’s ability to sustain attention. To get the best effects of caffeine they suggest drinking a cup of coffee and then having a fifteen minute nap as it takes that amount of time for the caffeine to really hit home and afterwards you may not sleep again for a while. Exhaustive research has gone into the effects (awake and still awake) and side-effects (I can’t blink!) of caffeine because as it seems to give us super powers they want to find
out just how far it will push humanity’s natural evolution. Research does suggest that sensitive groups, such as children, could experience ill-effects from high-caffeine energy drinks although much more research needs to go into it. For example, babysitting becomes its own reward when you give your ten year old nephew a Redbull seconds before his mother returns from an exhausting night-shift and you leave. However, habitual consumption of caffeine and caffeine related products can lead to better mental functioning in old age. Indeed, ingesting significant quantities of caffeine results in fewer errors, injuries and accidents at work and in leisure time. London’s School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine published evidence earlier this month that showed caffeine helped improve workers’ memory and concentration. Endeavour Magazine • January 2013 • 7
For people working overnight, consuming caffeine had a similar effect to taking a power nap and identical results were seen irrespective of whether those studied drank coffee, an energy drink, took a caffeine pill or ate food with a high caffeine content. Additionally when coffee was added to cancer cells – in a laboratory I’ll add hastily- it exhibited ant proliferative effects on them i.e. prevented them from multiplying and even a small amount caused the cancer cells to up and kill themselves. 14.30: Considering what colour cape to give my coffee superhero. The Caffienator… 15.00: I realize I’ve only got another two hours to finish
this article and another three hundred words to go. Mild panic sets in until colleague, now merely a blur and a gust of wind produces a fresh cup of widow-maker in front of me. Yes, while it’s true that I am so uncomfortably awake that I will need to drink a pint of rum to even myself out, I cannot deny the sensational effects of this wonder chemical. It is the quintessential example of cause and effect. Newton’s laws of physics have never been better demonstrated. You take a lowly writer, dressed in a work shirt and a cardigan, wearing mismatched polyester socks with a scruffy hairdo and the general appearance of Charlie Sheen going through an airport and you add a dozen or so cups of Taylors of Harrogate, Espresso Dark Roast 5 – and just like that he
turns into Henry Saville. Am I saying that under the influence of this coffee I am the very splitting image of a Henry Cavill? The Man of Steel standing with my fists on my hips and my chest buffed out like a super pigeon, scanning the world with my super vision and a grim, yet reassuring set to my mouth? Ha-ha, no! Of course not, I look like a man whose skeleton is about to vacate his body and whose brain is bouncing around the inside of his skull looking for a way out! My fingers are blurs across the keyboard and my proof-reader will have to add spaces between each of my words. My left leg is bouncing up and down at a ridiculous rate and I’m answering phone calls with a rabid scream for a greeting.
17.00: Colleague makes a fresh pot of coffee. 17.30: Once brewed, we drink and our heads summarily explode.
Donnie Rust, (AKA The Naked Busker) is one of Britain’s foremost comedy writers in the field of business, travel and adventure with over 1 million readers worldwide. His stand-up comedy is apparently hilarious too. He can be found at: www.facebook.com/donnierust.
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