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THE ORIGINAL FAKE NEWS
FRESHER OF THE WEEK PENELOPE MITTENS ROAR’s Fresher of Week 3 is Penelope Mittens, who studies Technical Earthworm-Breeding with English Literature and lives in New South Court. This week Penelope learnt to walk on all five feet. Amazing skill, Penelope!
HOMELESS TORIES APPLAUD BURNING OF ‘PERVERSE INCENTIVE’ HANDOUT Callum Manchester State Education Editor It seems that some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money…… Every single member of the Conservative Association is horrible, it has emerged this week, courtesy of the Tab. Images of a right (no pun intended) plonker burning money in front of a rough-sleeper have sparked outrage among ac-
tual human beings who happen to not be complete and utter ‘bellenderous sh*tlarks’. However, conservative members of the homeless community (an interesting group of people – it’s like having a ‘gay Republican’ or a ‘female Republican’ or a ‘Republican from an ethnic minority’ or a ‘Republican scientist’ or a ‘sincere Republican’) have spoken out in support of the twonk that did the deed. “Well, to be honest, I’ve grown sick of these ‘compassionate’ idiots who think that when we say we want change we want money. Stupid
lefty dipsh*ts – don’t they see that they’re just killing any incentive we have to work by giving us the bare minimum that we need to sustain our cellular activity on a daily basis? Honestly, why would I ever want to get a job if I can get seven quid every day?! It’s laughable. Finally, someone came along and made a bold protest against this ‘kind’ and ‘helpful’ RECKLESSNESS and everyone’s calling him a knob. I think he’s a hero of the underprivileged, and that’s obviously what he set out to be in joining the CUC-” Ronald Coyne, the scum-ridden cowpat in question, sensibly wrote to ROAR explaining just how misguided everyone has been in their outrage and criticism, thinking that we’d be a decent publication to clear his name. “People don’t know my story and how hard it has been for me….I’ve ended up sleeping rough myself plenty of times (I’m a Scottish bloke in the south, what do you expect?) That night was one of them. I had nothing to keep me warm except the luxurious clothes I was in and so had to resort to lighting a fire. I only had thirty-five quid on me, which wasn’t CONTINUED ON PAGE2
CORRECTIONS (NO CLARFICATIONS THIS WEEK, SORRY TO YOU CLARIFICATION FANS) Hi there. Just thought we’d point out something that went a tad wrong a fortnight ago. We published the ostensibly stupid plucked-out-of-Dan’s-head figure of £300tn for the Emmanuel College May Ball, thinking it would be hilarious to completely overdo it in the headline. However, it is with the utmost regret and, to be honest, surprise, that we have found this figure to be correct. Omri Faraggi has publicly announced that the reason for such a bamboozlingly big budget is that the money we’ll save from leaving the EU can subsidise such extravagance. It is unknown whether or not anyone publicly challenged him on this, though he was caught in the library googling ‘What is ‘NHS’?’ Also, last week, Dan stupidly misspelled ‘inadvertently’, adding a whole ‘a’ where the ‘e’ usually is. What an a-hole ‘e is.
enough for my usual butler-driven limousine back to Pembroke so I had no choice but to burn the 20 in the hope that it would last throughout the night. I was simply demonstrating to the homeless person how to do it so that they can use the same trick in future with all of the money I never give them cause I’m thick as pigsh*t. Some of the grimy scu- I mean the homeless community are applauding me for it but I wasn’t trying to make a political statement. I don’t deserve the credit they give me. [No you don’t Ron you f-] Although it has to be said, austerity is a great way to combat the ever-looming problem of homelessness, and the economic uncertainty of Brexit can’t be anything but a positive climate in which to raise aspirations and generate growth. Of mass inequal- I mean of rising living standards and education etc etc etc.” It’s unsure as to why he didn’t hide his underlying attitudes towards the less fortunate more effectively, considering he contacted us in written form…but, we suppose the kid really just is that intellectually and emotionally vacuous and pathetic on such a petty human level that it’s a wonder his student status at the university hasn’t since been taken by an exceptionally unintelligent goldfish that died three years ago. “Callum is it not unfair to define this kid by one stupid thing he did?” HE SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE I“Yeah but he probably really regrets it and has learned his lesson without people insulting him further…” Fine. We hope you’ve learned your lesson Ronald. That was a bad night. You ever do anything like that again and Connor MacDonald will personally behead you in the chapel. Giving the uni and the Conservative Association a bad name is not to be taken lightly. Get your act together. Wow did ROAR actually just say something that was at least partially meaningful? Note: This is the first edition of ROAR under its new management that hasn’t mentioned Vid Mehta. Well done us!
it is with great sorrow that ROAR announces the end of its ‘shop watch’ feature. We just couldn’t keep up with the competition
HARRY LLOYD ‘PRINCIPALLY AGAINST THE IDEA OF DATING’ Callum Manchester Emminent Bachelor “Well”, Lloyd confessed, “when your name is composed of two forenames like mine is, you never really have much luck anyway”. Since this stunning elucidation of the realities of dating with such a name, Tom George, Eliot Nevill, Sam Harrison, Charlie Morgan, Jamie Scott, Alex Lawrence, Ellie Cole, Lucy Thomas, Richard Simon, Matt Bradley, Harry Curtis, Ruggero Chicco, James Fraser, Bronwen Fraser, Emily Robb, Jack Oliver,
Megan Bea, Monica Lindsay, Daniel Kim and (rather embarrassingly) RAG Rep Joanna Lee have torn up their forms, suspended their dates indefinitely and instead texted a Toastie, holding the kind deliverers as hostages out of ‘love’, ‘psychopathy’ and ‘emotional ambivalence’. Rumour has it that third-year History of Art fresher Forename First-Name can’t wait for her blind date. “Phwooooarrr, I would kill to have someone with a surname”, she rasped, playing provocatively with an Emmanuel scarf. More to come as the dates continue………
Shoutout to a special someone(s)... She used to be notorious for helping lads called Rick have a well-deserved break from the physically draining excesses of engineering but she’s since stopped this policy to ‘focus on herself’. But we want the old, hospitable engineer back. Hence ROAR’s campaign to Make Claire Restarick Again. When Claire was resting a Rick every other day, this special someone couldn’t help but appreciate Claire’s kindness, and even used to sing a song about Claire, praising her altruistic efforts. But due to the recent decline in hospitality, she hasn’t been singing it as much. Hence ROAR’s campaign to Make Immy Sinclair Again.
Callum Manchester Independent thinker Oxford is terrible because it isn’t Cambridge and Cambridge has by far the better Psychology course. Cambridge has Emma, whereas Oxford has Exeter. Also, Oxford might have knocked Newcastle out of the FA Cup a couple of weeks ago, completely undeservedly, and I’m still coming to terms with it. My mate was even playing. We still got humiliated. Oxford sucks #InRafaWeTrust
ROARbituary It is with great sorrow that ROAR announces the joyous death of Former Fresher of the Week Adnold Murpt. On his flight back to America Murpt misread the label on a tub of viagra and swallowed the entire thing. Shortly afterwards, he was set upon by a bloodthirsty mob which beat him to death with his own engorged penis. He leaves behind three weird-looking children and one normal-looking weirdo.
21:30 - 2:00 “BE THERE OR BE SQUARE” - ECSU PRES, CONNOR MAC “BAR EXTENSIONS GET ME RYLED UP” - NIAMH RYLE “I’VE ALWAYS SAID THE BAR WAS TOO SHORT. ” - SAM HARRISON “NOTHING TO BE SNIFFED AT” - SEYMOUR
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