SEND US UR CATS
FRESHER OF THE WEEK ALF WOMACK ROAR’s Fresher of Week 2 is Alf Womack, who lives in New South Court and studies Textiles specialising in Colonic Irrigation. This week he resolved to stop spitting in people’s enchiladas. Good for you, Alf! (more about Alf on Page.3)
ENTITLED MILLENNIALS BEMOAN DIFFICULTIES OF BOOKING £300TN BLACK TIE PARTY The Emmanuel College May Ball 2017 Launch fell flat on its arse and followed through on Thursday evening, when people who had already guaranteed their tickets decided they needed several more just as the website topped itself in response to such greed. The decision was made to freeze the site until the following morning, however the Committee were astonished to discover that their fellow Cambridge students had ‘lectures’ and ‘supervisions’, which made this course of action nihilistically reckless and a potential extinction-level event. “My friends were going to come and we were going to have such a nice time”, blubbered one devastated student, miraculously not friends with any of the many who had also guaranteed their tickets the previous day. “It’s just such a mess. I was so looking forward to it and now all I get to do is save hundreds of pounds by not going to something I was probably just going to chundaer and cry at anyway”. It seems that people were encouraged to become vocal by the resounding success that their post-Brexit Facebook statuses had achieved in securing a second referendum. As the exodus converged on Lola’s, Tamisha Tan (who incidentally has taken over the ECSU Committee position of ‘Satan’ from the one and only Vid Mehta
– the handover footage of which we have been prohibited from sharing) performed a tactical ‘f- right off’ into the shadows which would have been there, had there been any light in this situation. Rumour has it that she darted to The Winchester for a nice cold pint upon noticing the website’s shortcomings. In an exclusive ROAR interview, she expressed her outrage at the outrage expressed. “I knew I was set to be cyber-skewered once the hitherto duped proles realised their promised land would not be welcoming their besties in June. So I just ran to the only place I knew to be safe, to get away from all their harassing and childish whining. But, because of the ECSU page, I just got lots of notifications instead and it was like I’d never left. And the tragic part is, because I’m so technologically illiterate, I didn’t even know how to turn off my phone to have some peace, let alone mute the notifications. So I just went outside and froze until people chanced upon me in the morning on their way to ‘lectures’ and ‘supervisions’. God knows what they are, sounds so difficult.” May Ball Committee President Omri Faraggi, galvanised by ROAR’s campaign to ‘Make Omri Faraggi Again’, revealed why the issues had occurred. “Well, this is what happens when you try
to have people from all over the world come together and co-operate. It just doesn’t work; some aren’t integrated enough and the others are just arse-lazy. From now on, May Week events will be organised by a homogeneous committee, without a reckless open booking policy. We need quotas in place so not just anyone can come to our college and undermine our fun. It’s just common sense, but the liberal establishment are scared to admit it.” For a concise plan on how to chase up tickets, please see Rohan Gupta of U staircase.
okay because everyone is honest and accepting of constructive criticism and is happy to dish it out when necessary. Sometimes it can come across as mean in the heat of the moment but it’s alright because stupid c**ts accept that stupid c**tery can
Dear Sir/Madam, I am writing to register my disgust at the recent May Ball tickets débâcle. As a result of the INCOMPETENCE of the organising committee, I had to choose just fourteen of my friends to accompany me, and was even unable to acquire a ticket for my baby Shi Tzu Frederick Barber IV. Let’s hope to see much better in future! Yours sincerely, Margaret Drab, ham-on-sea, Kent
Dear Messrs. ROAR, I wish to lodge a strong complaint about the previous letter to the editors. Its premise is entirely wrong-headed and it was clearly written by a stupid c— (the rest of this letter has had to be censored in line with ROAR’s community standards.)
Emmanuel reportedly friendliest cambridge college (unless you’re a stupid c—) Emmanuel is renowned across Cambridge for being the friendly college. An open atmosphere of immense liberty and comfort permeates every aspect of life here. So much so, in fact, that you can call someone a stupid c**t and be a stupid c**t but it’s
LETTERS TO THE EDITORS
occur and stupid c**ting words should not affect the lives of poor stupid c**ts stupidly c**ting away until death. Hence the friendliness. Relax a little ☺ you stupid c**t
LETTERS FROM THE EDITORS Dear mother, Thank you for your present of the woollen socks, which will surely keep me snug in these long winter months. Also, I was sorry to hear that father has died. Much love &c., your Editor
EX-WOMEN’S OFFICER ‘VIOLATES’ MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION Callum Manchester Repentent Mansplainer Former Women’s Officer Eliza Frayn has been embroiled in scandal for having breasts, it has emerged. Having first violated Facebook’s community standards in Michaelmas term, she’s been back to her utterly disgraceful self in Lola’s, in the wake of Emmanuel-College-May-Ball-Launch-2017-The-Exhibition-Ticketgate. To get to grips with her indecency we sat down with Mark Zuckerberg, who as it turns out is cheap as hell. “Well, her post was quite obviously promoting sexual violence. She was lying there with her breasts out. Smiling! Such recklessness is dangerous to society so we had to remove it lest everyone be
blinded by the bosoms and think double standards are bad.” Eliza was having none of this. “It’s wonderful to know that my body is a violation,” she screamed, launching her top across the room and wielding a pitchfork. This has led to record levels of scrutiny for the new Women’s Officer (hi Emily ;)) under the looming shadow(s) left by her predecessor. “Luckily for me I only really Instagram books and my dog so I’m playing it safe. I will be launching a campaign against Facebook and Zuckerberg himself. And if they hold firm I’ll coordinate with the government and give Facebook an ultimatum. Either they pay their bloody taxes or they free the nipple. They’d eventually come round
on both issues, but the sooner we make progress on either the better.” Until then, Eliza thought merely freeing the cleavage would help the issue along, that is until a random man (who sounded suspiciously like Zuckerberg) detected Kavish Shah’s apparent disgust and decided bravely to intervene and let Kav know that it’s okay to be terrified of the human body as a male, especially when the body in question is not male and is beyond your control unless you live in Saudi Arabia. Unfortunately ROAR cannot publish the uncensored image due to Emma community standards, so instead another tit was put in place.
Goth mistaken for sixth former in midst of shadowing scheme
Callum Manchester Grocery Editor
Callum Manchester Access Editor A hardcore, fully-adult goth was mistakenly thought to be a ‘shadow’ by one of the mentors on the CUSU Shadowing Scheme. “I kept seeing them out the corner of my eye and thinking they were just part of the scheme”, said Rhys Proud, a key mentor on the second week of the 2017 regime. “I didn’t want to tell them to get lost cause that would’ve looked terrible for Access if they had actually been visiting the uni for insight. So I just ignored them. It was only once I’d been compelled to get a myriad of piercings and a new haircut that I realised….”
EMMA ENTS tuesday 8-11 CerTified FUn TiMes DonT bE a sTrangeR
The Shopper of the week Sean Gao thinks he’s been eating lots of Pringles. So much so that he’s addicted. But our sources suggest that the reason he managed to spend so much on them is because of foul play from Joanna Banasik. It turns out she has laced the supply with highly addictive substances, which we cannot name for legal reasons, including lack of creativity. No wonder he managed to make it to the top of the shop. He’s on top of the world as far as he’s concerned. Shop Lady Lydia Sefton-Minns has apologised for the Volkswagen-esque handling of Crème Egg sales, which were originally overpriced, at 85p rather than 45p. When asked how such a mistake had been made, she
did not comment, but it has been speculated that she just naturally thinks things should cost more than they ought to in reality because she is southern. Compensation has been offered to victims of this scandal with the Eggs in question having to be recalled. Shop Lady Lydia Sefton-Minns, by the way, has actively tried to undermine ROAR and its immense stature on the ECSU Committee, by scheduling us in for shifts when the weekly ECSU meeting is taking place, leaving our bargaining position weakened when it comes to issues such as promoting equal rights for women, flying the LGBT flag and opposing the British government’s weaponisation of Saudi Arabia. Foul play, Lydia. You picked a battle with the people who have the platform needed to take you down. Oh wait a minute… what’s this you say? We’re gon-
na get fined 3 pounds if we don’t turn up to our shifts? Oh for fuShopkeeper supreme Lydia Sefton-Minns is on fire and could not be handling the shop better than she already has been. Everyone is loving their shifts and customers never leave without huge smiles across their cute little faces. ROAR is delighted to announce that we will be delegating our entire budget towards funding a new Emma building which shall be eponymously named West-Minnster Abbey. It should give East Court a run for its money.
Shoutout to a special someone... She’s literally become sick of people bombarding her and has gone into hiding. She’s gone noticeably paler with the lack of sun, hence ROAR’s campaign to ‘Make Tamisha Tan Again’.
ROARbituary MR MISTLIN
It is with great sorrow that ROAR announces the death of former Fresher of the Week Dorothy Flange. She was savaged by the worst dog whilst trying to put it in a well. She leaves behind four wives and a brown goldfish.
CALL FOR WRITERS: WRITE FOR ROAR, PLEASE