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WHAT PAPER WAS MADE FOR
FRESHER OF THE WEEK IGOR HIDDLESWHIP ROAR’s Fresher of Week 5 is Igor Hiddleswhip, who studies Basic Stapling with Shelf Design and lives underneath a pew in the chapel. This week Igor managed to extract all the milk from the Senior Tutor. Conscientious effort, Igor!
WAS IT WORTH IT?
MacDonald guts constitution in audacious power grab
Sam Harrison Elbow fan
Left: Dave before the incident, enjoying a casual bat around the Tennis court, what a lovely smile Right: Dave has been inconsolable since the incident, unable even to find joy in batting his Tennis around Cal Chester Real People Correspondent
The bearded half of the Buildings and Services team decided he’d spread shit about spreadsheets. “I’m the ultimate sheet-spreader”, he privately told ROAR. “That’s why I got B+S [whadya think that stands for? wink-wink]; I Excel at making beds. Just ask the Shop Lady.” However, his electoral mandate was retrospectively called into question when he decided to do a post warning against the use of spreadsheets when deciding on rooms, based on controversies which have arisen in the past and indeed this year. “It’s so annoying”, said Julia Ganis. “I can’t sleep at night wondering when the room database is going to go up but all he cares
about is Patrick’s damn spreadsheet. He’s obsessed.” Len Bammin, fearful for Dave’s safety, reportedly began doing crack in order to get the website completed as soon as possible, even bringing in Claire Restarick to help nudge things into place. “He’s not a Rick but if there’s anything I can do to reduce the burden on him, I will”, she stated firmly. Whilst secretly sliding him documents to sign, subliminally handing webmaster power over to her. Daniel Yao, as an economist, decided to intervene in the comments with perhaps the most ill-advised thing ever to be uttered in Cambridge: “#capitalismwins”. It is unknown just how much of Bammin’s crack he’d been exposed to but Eleanor Leydon was quick to bring things back down to earth by calling him out on his complete lack of ethics and implicit love of Donald
Trump (who by the way is still the President), using only the realest of memery. Rumour has it that as soon as B+S find out who she is, they’ll call upon her to join the squad and erect a force-field of socialism to prevent rogue, unregulated spreadsheets from letting the masses run wild and kill each other because someone else’s randomly allocated number happens to bestow upon them more freedom of choice, despite it being beyond their control. (It really is kinda like the class system innit?) Patrick Warren, as a medic, also decided to intervene in the comments. “Unfortunately ECSU doesn’t actually believe Emma is the ‘friendly college’, that’s just for prospectuses.” Well, as Vid Mehta pointed out, you yourself are a member of ECSU, you stupid c**t. So that jibe fell flat on its face didn’t it? That final comma should
ECSU President Connor MacDonald has granted himself sweeping powers to impose tough judicial measures and declare martial law in a slate of constitutional reforms. Under the reforms, MacDonald will be entitled to imprison any member of the college arbitrarily in the inhuman conditions of his infamous prison of Blantyre. The reforms have allowed him to concentrate power in the hands of his lackeys, such as Jamie Scott, Will Dorrell, and Ben ‘Len Bammin’ Lammin, whose personal bloodlust oustrips even that of his boss. Lammin is still regarded with terror by those who witnessed his brutal assassination of political rival Claire Restarick, of whom little was ever recovered for burial. MacDonald quelled dissent by cunningly disseminating the reforms only through a little-used forum known as the ECSU mailing list, where he knew no-one would ever read them. He then herded the public into a dirty and confined room and intimidated them into passing the reforms by shouting ‘Be there or be square’ until many, unable to cope, tragically cringed themselves to death.
This time, it’s made it….into the printed edition Sleeping faculties have been all the rage in recent weeks. Dan Remo wanting sleeping bags, Georgia Hughes being on hand and obliterating the competition that was Medani Elshibly. Anna Ward needing an air bed, as well as Arabella Bird, Katie Nelson, wellknown tit Kavish Shah, Dia Ghose and Abigail Popple wanting mattresses of some description. Eliza Frayn was more particular in her desires, insisting on having a camp bed. “I prefer my beds to be stereotypically flamboyant and chatty; ironically that helps me and my friends sleep at night.” Ed Phillips also required an air mattress but took the opportunity to slyly advertise his debut single ‘Borrow4Tomorrow’, which will premiere on ROAR’s Facebook Live event on the final day of term. “Sounds like a motto for the Labour Party”, sighed Daniel Yao, rolling his eyes whilst booking flights to Panama. ROAR ‘Shoutout’ alumnus Imogen Sin-
clair even got in on the bed action, seeking two of the bloomin’ things. ROAR initially heard mutterings on New South which suggested that Sinclair was poised to monopolise the resources of current majority-shareholder Hughes, who was in possession of two sleeping bags, assuming she regained control of the one she lent to Remo despite Gupta’s warnings [but why would anyone listen to him anyway? He insulted the Queen!]. SinclAir Beds is to become the dominant supplier of sleeping faculties in college, Imogen has since revealed in a sit-down interview with Cal Chester. “Please,” she smiled. “Call me Immy… Anyway, it became so easy once I got into Georgia’s good books. We always tag each other in memes so it kind of paved the way for me to get a foothold in her stock. I’m also boycotting the ECSU Shop because of its sales of Pro Plus. I can’t have
that on the market when I’m trying to put people to sleep. You think all these requests for beds are unrelated? They’re not. It’s a demand for which I now have the supply and you’re all screwed. Think about it. Your little demonstration on the Paddock – people will probably want SinclAir Beds for that. I have you all around my little finger. Daniel Yao was right; capitalism wins….” Eliza recently refrained from going to the Footlights Smoker, fearful of a relapse after having just given up herself. “Last time I went to one of those, I couldn’t stop laughing. At one point I started choking and literally coughed up an entire lung onto the person sitting in front of me. That’s when I knew I had to stop.” Alex Lawrence has sought an eyebrow pencil, perhaps to overcome the issue of his double-forename name and go on a blind date anyway, despite Harry Lloyd’s put-down. EMILY ROBBS BROADWAY’S PURSE,
ROARbituary It is with great sorrow that ROAR announces the death of former Fresher of the Week Penelope Mittens. One of her feet wouldn’t stop slapping a small child and had to be put down, after which a devastated Penelope sadly ate herself to death. She leaves behind fifty-eight great-grand-nephews and a shrivelled melon. be a semi-colon as well; one can tell you’re a medic with that poorly-written drivel. A MEDIoCre one at best. Good luck with your degree. So, what has this all meant for Dave? Well, no-one has seen him for a while, leading some to conclude that he may have disappeared up his own arse, after what he described on the night as “a not very pleasant evening. Callum Manchester commented with basically the same fundamental sentiment as me, explaining the Committee’s position on the spreadsheet. Yet
to a special someone(s)... …to a special someone He may have struggled with issues of willpower recently, skipping gym sessions and losing the muscle-weight he’d put on. But we think with some inspiration we can get him back in there pumping bare iron. Hence ROAR’s campaign to Make Daniel Gayne Again
people supported him whilst calling me ‘condescending’. It’s cause he’s actually English, isn’t it? So unfair.” Dave kindly decided to give blood earlier this week and this is all we have heard about him since the infamous ECSU Committee Posts post. “It was one of the more bizarre donations we’ve had”, revealed the nurse, who sounded suspiciously like Patrick Warren. “‘Just take it all’, he said to us, sobbing.” It is unclear whether or not Dave was literally drained of all his vitality but it doesn’t really matter since it’s week five and that would have just
happened anyway. However, until we have him safe and with us again, the Committee will be demonstrating on the Paddock, sleeping outside to protest against the concept of accommodation. Nothing but discarded duck feathers and a burning twenty to keep us warm. And a coffee machine that Vid magically produced. Second year Nazi Tom George is still in hiding. SHIT, THIS WAS SO CLOSE TO FITTIN
perhaps wanting to finally make her ‘surname’ relevant after also suffering from the blind date malarkey. “It is a surname!” she insisted. Joseph Adams left his DofE card at home, along with his streetcred and his dignity. Bea Hannay-Young is lazy af. Wouldn’t even make the short journey to hall. Clearly she has developed an over-privileged New Court mentality, or perhaps is just too busy looking at the dog on Matt Bradley’s ‘Sh*tting-on-Shop” post. Of course when she went to Addenbrooke’s she decided to go by bus. Pathetic. “Unexpected” failed to surprise. “Perhaps advertising it kind of defeated the premise,” reflected Emma Nicholls. “The second coming would have really been a shocker for many but unfortunately we can’t advertise that cause He’s gonna do it on His own terms.” Jamie Scott needs someone to play the bass in Emma Big Band’s incredibly underwhelming production of ‘Finding Remo’, a piece about very average fish. The inspiration for this came from a swap at Queens’ when we saw a Remo that was Dan but wasn’t at the same time, and thought we were absolutely off our faces. “Because we’re selling it as banal, hopefully we’ll manipulate people’s expectations and actually blow their Emma socks off when they’re least expecting it,” Jamie explained. Emma Nicholls and Matt Gurtler were absolutely livid. “WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THIS?”
SHAVIN’ CRAVEN Former President Katie Craven has decided she has no choice (ironic though that may sound) but to shave off her eyebrows, after former Female Welfare Officer Katie Wetherall pulled a rogue one and tagged her in a meme. “Well, she’s got me there”, said Craven, acting bemused and disappointed despite having secretly wanted to do this for years. “It’s gonna make for great viewing at the Peregrine Bland swap”, added Wetherall. Jacob Haddad described the news as ‘eyebrow-raising’, immediately apologising to Ms Craven for having ruined her Valentine’s celebrations with such a stupidly illthought out comment. If it hadn’t been for Daniel Yao’s capitalism-praising, he’d most certainly have been the villain of this week. The shaving shall be Facebook Live-d by ROAR very soon.
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