FRESHER OF THE WEEK DOROTHY FLANGE ROAR’s Fresher of Week 1 is Dorothy Flange, who lives in North Court and studies Physiotherapy with Egyptology. This week she rescued a dog from a well and replaced it with a worse dog. Good choice, Dorothy!
Hard Hitting Journalism Hitting Journalism Hard
Gone but never forgotten
MACDONALD PROMISES “PEACE THROUGH STRENGTH” IN INAUGURATION SPEECH Sam Harrison Alleged human Connor MacDonald has pledged “a thousand years of iron-fisted rule” in his first speech as President of the Emmanuel College Student Union. Standing in front of three scarlet banners reading “Unity”, “Prosperity”, and “Strength” in four-hundred-foothigh gold lettering, the visibly impassioned President swore to re-establish Emmanuel College’s pre-eminence in the University. “We are giving control back to you, the people,” MacDonald declared to the approving crowd. “After years of weak leadership, we are finally going to have an administration that puts Emmanuel first.” MacDonald also promised to stamp out “radical
ASNAC terrorists” and restore catering jobs lost to China. Additionally, MacDonald doubled down on his pledge to withdraw Emmanuel from the single market, using his inauguration speech to promise a ‘pink, blue and pink Emexit’. MacDonald won the presidential election in November on a controversial right-wing platform by appealing to ‘left-behind voters’ in deprived ‘Rusty Pipes’ areas like Blantyre, losing the popular vote but taking a majority in the Electoral College.
MAY BALL THEME ANNOUNCED ROAR can exclusively reveal that the (anonymously submitted) theme for Emmanuel May Ball 2017 will be:
‘Unity, Prosperity and Strength’
Satan (aka Vid Mehta) dares to question talking to Big Daddy before eating Callum Manchester Blasphemous Editor One sly little beef-stirrer from the former ECSU Committee sent shockwaves through college in questioning the act of grace which takes place at the beginning of each Formal Hall. Grace involves thanking a big invisible man who drowned most of the planet one time for providing us with slaughtered animals to feast upon like affluent savages. “It’s tradition”, cried many, some of them even atheists fearful of the religion which in an ideal world would murder them and send them to eternal suffering in hell. Other non-religious folk savagely admonished the tradition, instead proposing that everyone repeatedly chant ‘f- tradi-
tion, f- Jesus’ whilst smashing plates on the tables, throwing cutlery at each other and engaging in public sodomy whilst raising their middle fingers to the ceiling. Agnostics didn’t know what to comment. “I mean, dressing in gowns, standing in unison and engaging in a communal prayer is a bit cult-like, isn’t it? But at the same time, I don’t want to be judged for my non-participation by God if he is there. The atheists are too over the top though so I don’t wanna side with them either. Why did Vid have to do that flippin’ post for God’s saNo sorry I didn’t mean to blaspheme oh my GNo! Jesus ChrOh my word this topic is a minefield!” Vid did not regret asking the people about their opinions and was, in
fact, impressed by the responses and the discussion which ensued. “It was nice to see some people publicly expressing conservative opinions for a change”, he revealed. ECSU President Connor MacDonald was delighted with the quality of the discussion. “It’s great that in an open environment in college we can talk about these issues and understand each other’s views. Thank God for secularisation.” When approached, God was unavailable for comment. Notice: The bathrooms on Z staircase will be closed until further notice due to ‘unconventional use’
Dry January Blighted by British Weather Callum Manchester Weatherman The promise of a ‘Dry January’ by certain students has been broken after snow fell from the sky on Thursday 12th January, before term had even commenced. Geography fresher Sophie Hammond was astonished by her luck: “It was amazing! I’d learnt about this in school and on telly but had never seen it first hand before. If only it had set, then I could have coloured it in! Cambridge is treating me. It’s a shame I’m still a raging alcoholic.”
Shoutout to a special someone... He was boastful about his views in the past, but now he’s on the May Ball Committee he’s really been pulling his punches in a time when nationalism matters more than ever. Hence ROAR’s campaign to Make Omri Faraggi Again
ROAR Obituary It is with great sorrow that ROAR announces the death of former Fresher of the Week Simon Turnbull. He hopscotched off a cliff outside Cambridge. He leaves a wife and 12.5 children.
CALL FOR WRITERS: WRITE FOR ROAR, PLEASE
POSH MITTS PLAGUE VARSITY TRIP Val Thorens Correspondent Reports from Val Thorens have suggested that the opening night party set the scene for an awful week of skiing suited only to the elite glove-wearers and knitters of Oxbridge. “There were posh mitts everywhere from what I misheard”, said someone who managed to avoid the carnage thanks to a lack of social skills. “The sports hall was indeed a death trap”, said someone who was mangled and torn by people at the party thanks to a lack of social skills. Our own investigative journalist, Cal Chester, who has a hearing impairment and struggles to recall the events of the night, was supposedly injured in
the madness. “Honestly man, it was stupid. Most o’ the people there were dead posh and they were all either wearin’ or makin’ posh mitts. At the openin’ night party! Lethal Bizzle was even encouraging it, yelling ‘I wanna see one massive posh mitt right in the middle!’ People were knittin’ for England, party-goers gettin’ stabbed left right ‘n’ centre, eyes were gettin’ gouged out…one of ‘em even landed in me beer and it splashed in MY eye. Paid like five euros for that as well, man. The beer, I mean. Couldn’t even see what was goin’ on most o’ the night…” Even throughout the week, it seems that people who didn’t have only the poshest of mitts were not allowed to
wear gloves, meaning their hands simply froze to the poles and they had to bribe their posher friends to drench them in mulled wine to regain any dexterity. “They were giving out free mulled wine for a bit but I could never get any cuz it was reserved for those with the ‘flashest’ mitts. At least I’m not posh and pampered; my hands can survive without gloves so it’s not that bad for me”, remarked Chester, who has since lost both hands to frostbite. As complaints arose about the potential dangers of glove prohibition for aesthetic purposes, the resort manager decided to intervene: “I don’t know what the hell is going on here. There is no such rule in place. I think people are just doing that thing when they’re
super-conscious of what everyone else is wearing and don’t want to embarrass themselves. Because they can’t make posh mitts like their friends, they’re just braving the cold instead of wearing ‘uncool’ gloves. Honestly, being Oxbridge attendees you’d expect them to be brighter than the hair of that tool you quoted earlier. But they’re just so average and basic. Definitely don’t deserve to be where they are.” It has since emerged that there may also have been mosh pits at the opening night party, but this is proving difficult to confirm as everyone else who attended is in hospital with heavy bruising.
Published on Jan 22, 2017
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