Issue# 35.47 May 5–11, 2021 Editor: Mandy Nolan Editorial/gigs: firstname.lastname@example.org Copy deadline: 5pm each Friday Advertising: email@example.com P: 02 6684 1777 W: echo.net.au/entertainment
KILLER CROCS! When I was 18, to rebel against the world my parents had created, I shaved a half Mohawk, encouraged my hair to stand on end, grew my armpit hairs, wore torn black rags, too much eyeliner and wore 18-hole Dr. Marten’s boots. These days, to give their parents the shits, the kids are wearing Crocs. With socks. They’re going for comfort. It’s called normcore – wearing normal stuff. Unbenownst to a good majority of the middle-of-the-road population who have been buttoning up their cardigans and tucking in their shirts, including public servants and old blokes at bowling clubs, who’ve been doing normcore for years – they are currently style icons. Kids have co-opted their look. How else would ‘Mum jeans’ make a come back? Mum jeans were named ‘Mum jeans’ because certain mums managed to take a pair of jeans and make them as unattractive as they possibly could. The jeans yelled to your partner: ‘whatever you were thinking, just stop.’ Crocs and Socks were the gold standard in a non-pharmaceutical based contraception. You could virtually guarantee that any bloke wearing Crocs and socks hadn’t had a root since the ‘80s. But now it’s cool. You know when Justin Bieber is rocking Crocs with socks that something has changed in the world. I say saw a photo of him in a bright yellow outfit with matching Crocs – he looked like a giant toddler. I was like ‘Baby Baby Baby No!’ Biebs makes anything look good. Biebs loves the Crocs so much his design house has teamed up for a collaboration. That means the not rubber, not plastic, resin-based gardening shoe can now retail for as much as $468. If money’s an issue, you can break into the market at around $100 or nick down to Kmart and get some $5 fake crocks: Focks. Bieber sent a pair of his lavender fashion Ccrocs to Victoria Beckham. I have a new respect for the former Spice Girl who said very politely to Juzzie, ‘I’d rather die than wear them’. That’s pretty well my stance on Crocs as well. I guess now that dates me. My kids are wearing Crocs. That hurts. That’s not how
I brought them up. I didn’t carry them in my body for nine months, tear my vagina apart in the delivery, give up 18 years to packing lunchboxes and tending their needs to end up with them trying to be normal. When I got news they’d been wearing Crocs I cried myself to sleep. ‘What did I do wrong?’ I screamed at the moon as I buried the ugly shoes in the back garden while they slept. Why are my kids wearing therapeutic shoes that help with footpain? What’s next? Corn pads? Arch supports? Crocs are not only not kind on the eye, they are not good for the environment. Sensible sustainability ratings say ‘Avoid’. Good call. They are not plastic, nor are they rubber. So what the fuck are they? Croslite – a weird chemical infusion that is lightweight, and water-and-odour resistant. It also won’t break down in landfill. They don’t decompose on your foot, or when buried. In thousands of years, when all our fabulous footwear is gone, some future civilisation will dig up a pair of Crocs and declare that this was the chosen footwear of humanity. This was the footwear, they will say, that was the harbinger of the end of the Anthropocene. There’s one thing Crocs with socks scream, and that’s ‘End of days!’.
TAURUS: Venus in Taurus sends you sensible sensualists on a pleasure cruise. Not happening? Then make it happen. Lavish yourself with something beautiful and indulgent to delight your body, heart and spirit. And don’t forget to prep your wish list so 12 May 12 Taurus new moon’s practical magic can magnetizze it into your orbit GEMINI: x While flirty Mercury has you eloquent and articulate, this week issues an oversharing alert, which recommends keeping the best of those clever concepts and bright ideas under wraps. And why waste time discussing things you don’t like? Since whatever you energisze naturally expands, clever Geminis will talk about what they love and want more of.
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The evil love child of Liza Minnelli and Jim Carrey is back in Brunswick Heads and no one is safe! After ten years abroad touring Europe and the UK, he’s back and wants you to come out and play! After all, who doesn’t need a bit of filth, a lot of camp, and an opportunity to get downright dirty? It’s exactly what they do best at the Picture House. So what better tonic for these times than to present the incredible Reuben Kaye and his new show, The Butch is Back! Obscenely intelligent, beautifully filthy, and rib-crackingly funny, cabaret superstar Reuben Kaye is what happens when you tell your children they can be anything they want to be. Thursday, Friday and Saturday at the Brunswick Picture House at 7pm.
MOTHERS DAY TREES
To put a Croc on with a sock is to betray your favourite socks. This is not a victimless crime. Socks are screaming. It’s a co-ercive relationship where socks have lost any sense of self- determinism or any hope to meet another shoe. Remember when we went out with Nike? Gold Crocs were worn to the Oscars. It was the tipping point I tell you! We haven’t reached peak Croc resurgence yet. The only way to fight back is for old people, daggy people, and really uncool people to start wearing them. Scott Morrison needs to wear them. Perhaps, like Bieber, he could do a Croc/Sco Mo collaboration. The beige, white male privilege Crock. Crocs of Shit. In the meantime, if it’s ugly shit the kids are after, I still have a stash of Legionnaire’s hats they wouldn’t wear the first time round...
STARS BY LILITH ARIES: Mercury and Venus bringing this week’s wakeup call about values, prompt essential questions like: Are you happy with your life, with what you’ve created, with your choices? Do they make the world a better place? What do you do for your community? What inspires you, and how do you share this?
REUBEN KAYE: THE BUTCH IS BACK
CANCER: May is the month of indulgence. With Mars in your sign wanting everything NOW and yes, more please. So, explore simple, natural, everyday pleasures in new ways. When walking anywhere, try noticing and recording ten things you never saw before. Give routine activities like cooking, dressing and driving a different, more interesting twist. LEO: With May’s stellar emphasis for Leos on community, technology, online studies and Zzoom rooms, it’s well worth glamming up your web presence with the latest lighting and techno accessories. As messenger, Mercury delivers a barrage of conflicting opinions and media input, this week’s astral mandate for your majesties is KISS: Keep It Simple, Sweethearts. VIRGO: If you’re fixating on flaws this week, try making a gratitude list. Write down the qualities you appreciate in your partner or, if you’re single, the things in your life that you’re thankful for right now. Which generally tends to make irritations less annoying, blessings more obvious and perspectives more balanced.
The 10th annual Mullum Music Festival & Brunswick Valley Landcare Mothers Day Tree Planting returns on Sunday at Dingo Lane in beautiful Myocum, just outside Mullumbimby. With a mission to plant another 1000 trees, join the crew from 9am onward to celebrate all mums; with live music by Smokey Fields, Mykaela Jay and James Kent. Wear GUMBOOTS, hat, sunscreen, drinking water, gloves. BYO coffee cup. As this is a COVID Safe event, REGISTERING is compulsory. Visit mothersdayplanting2021.eventbrite.com.au
TAURUS THE BULL As communicator Mercury flits into the sign of the talkative Twins, the hills are alive with the sound of chitchatting tongues… LIBRA: May’s successful progress hinges on how ready you are to adapt to shifting conditions. Although willingness to change doesn’’t make the process any less mysterious, the blueprint of evolution is already written in your cells and this practical, down- to- earth week supports all things natural, rhythmic, seasonal and cyclic.
CAPRICORN: Pluto retrogrades are rigorous, especially when they’re in your sign – , which is what’s currently happening. But don’t get so caught up with survival and security you miss May’s splendid menu of robust enjoyment;: take your pick from any or all of music, massage, movement, gardening, wining, dining, carousing and amorous hanky panky.
SCORPIO: With May’s celestial energetics favoring economic reality checks, an eyes-wide-open review of financials is recommended this week to remove any rose-colored specs. And if you find yourself in the position of adult in the room mediating between teammates or family members, no need to be rigid, just realistic.
AQUARIUS: Retrograde cycles are helpful pauses to check our rearview mirror for past mistakes so we don’t keep repeating them. Personal work on lingering issues could be hugely rewarding this week, and if you want to be ahead of the game when Mercury retrogrades in late May, start backing up data and organiszing files now.
SAGITTARIUS: While you’ll love this month’s chatty Mercury/Venus buzz, it’s also worth giving some serious thought to what areas of your life might benefit from deeper listening. When your ruling planet Jupiter sky-divesskydives from airy intellectual mode to watery emotional realms next week the reason for this query becomes clearer.
PISCES: May’s most pressing task is managing news consumption. If doomscrolling (yes it’s a thing) of alarming headlines tips you into overwhelm, shift your attention to a feel-good, spirit-lifting activity;: something relaxing, physical or calling a friend. This simple micro-exercise restores a positive balance to reconnect you with your ever-available, personal good news channels.
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