Loving yourself The Mastery of Being Your Own Person
Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.
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© 2013 Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Published by AuthorHouse 1/2/2013 ISBN: 978-1-4772-8932-7 (sc) ISBN: 978-1-4772-8933-4 (hc) ISBN: 978-1-4772-8934-1 (e) Library of Congress Control Number: 2012921432
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Acknowledgments To my daughter London, you are my inspiration for everything I do in my life. I love you. Thank you to Marc. My vulnerability is safe with you. You have saved my life and shown me the true meaning of love and acceptance. Thank you to my parents for this amazing journey. Thank you to SARK, my beloved mentor, I love you! To Chris, Kathryn and Tracy. To He and She
Table of Contents Introduction: Welcome to the journey into Loving Your Self�������������1 Three Part Journey����������������������������������������������������������������������������������5 Traveling the Story: The River of Old Programming Finding the Meaning in the Suffering Living What You Have Learned: The Crystal Palace Part I: Traveling the Story: The River of Old Programming The Old Program is made up of all the faulty things we learned to think about Ourselves���������������������������������������7 Ingredients for your Journey������������������������������������������������������9 *Eye-Sight: False beliefs about who you are�����������������9 *In-Sight: Sight within or intuition�������������������������������������9 *Life Class Lessons: Lessons in uncovering and understanding������������������������������������������������������������������9 *Extra-Credit Advantages: Healing reading to put you at an advantage���������������������������������������������10 *Differentiating Opportunities: Just suppose… you could change your life������������������������������������������ 11 *Permission to feel: Bring your emotions����������������������� 11 *Open Mind: Container for new information��������������12 *Willingness to Grow: Effort and perseverance�����������13 *Forward Moving Questions: Curiosity for solutions����13 *Journal and Pen: Document your travels�������������������13 *Self-Acceptance: Loving all of who you are, flaws included����������������������������������������������������������������14 *Patience: Endurance to withstand the uncomfortable���������������������������������������������������������������15 *Time: The bringer of solutions���������������������������������������15 *Courage: What is used to dismantle fear�������������������15 *Love: Always a necessity�����������������������������������������������15 vii
The Voyage through Emotional Landscapes�������������������������16 *The Land of the Omen: Inner knowings, signs and signals����������������������������������������������������������������������16 *The Land of the Unexpected: Abuse and shame�����31 *The Land of the All Alone: Loneliness and isolation� 45 *The Land of the Human Angels: The power of recognition���������������������������������������������������������������������59 *The Land of the Unstable: No one to depend upon�73 *The Land of the Unbelievable: Self-absorbed parents����������������������������������������������������������������������������87 *The Land of Insecurity: Feelings of not being good enough�����������������������������������������������������������������99 *The Land of Authority: Anger and rebellion������������� 110 *The Land of Help: Therapy������������������������������������������125 *The Land of He and She: Family and belonging�����140 *The Land of the Lost: Having no direction����������������150 *The Land of the Bad Man: Parental infidelity�����������162 *The Land of Secrets: Exposing family secrets����������� 174 *The Land of Searching for Meaning: Making sense of emotional pain���������������������������������������������187 *The Land of Surrender: Letting go�����������������������������199 *The Land of Books: Paper parents�����������������������������213 *The Land of Fear: Personal evolvement������������������ 225 *The Land of Femininity: Emotional depth and body image acceptance����������������������������������������� 239 *The Land of the Individuated: Independence������� 258 *The Land of the Unique: Freedom of full expression���������������������������������������������������������������������271 Part Two: Finding the Meaning in the Suffering������������������������������287 *Growth and meaning come through surpassing fears����������������������������������������������������������� 289 *Alchemy as your transformational process to deeper meaning���������������������������������������������������������291 *Emotions are vehicles for meaning�������������������������� 292 *Pain is opportunity������������������������������������������������������ 293 viii
*Letting go����������������������������������������������������������������������295 *Asking questions leads to meaning���������������������������296 *Life is a series of classes���������������������������������������������� 298 *Time provides the space to find meaning�������������� 300 *Be true to your Self�������������������������������������������������������301 Part Three: The Crystal Palace: Living what we have learned���� 305 The Internal Operation: Welcome to your inner Self��������� 307 The Crystal Palace����������������������������������������������������������������� 309 The Cellar: A New Beginning�������������������������������������� 309 *Loving yourself at the cellular level���������������������������310 *Cleansing by looking at our life in review����������������� 311 *Working through resistance���������������������������������������� 312 *Putting yourself back together���������������������������������� 313 *Seeing the good���������������������������������������������������������� 315 *Healing has its own timing������������������������������������������ 317 *Getting to know yourself�������������������������������������������� 320 The Ground Floor: Getting Grounded������������������������324 *The Kitchen: Examining your in-sights�����������������������325 *The Office: Staying on track and measuring success������������������������������������������������������������������������� 344 *The Living Room: Learning to live����������������������������� 346 *Windows: Seeing inward and outward, light�����������347 *The Front Door: Standing your ground with boundaries������������������������������������������������������������������� 348 The Second Floor: Rest, Cleanse, Rejuvenate������������351 *The Bathroom: Prepare, release and cleanse������� 352 *The Bedroom: Rest and rejuvenate�������������������������� 354 *The Self-Preservation Room: Finding resolve����������� 355 The Third Floor: Perspective and Understanding���� 357 *The lesson of perspective: the ability to see the bigger picture������������������������������������������������������� 357 *Looking down: how to deal with love and ix
relationships����������������������������������������������������������������� 358 *The Porch: Your chosen family������������������������362 *The Yard: Your social circle����������������������������� 363 *The Fence: People in your life who need boundaries��������������������������������������������� 363 *Looking out: Unlimited Possibilities���������������������������� 365 *Looking up: Endings followed by new beginnings� 365 Elevator and Stairs: The Process of Evolution������������367 *The way you move through life����������������������������������372 *Synergy between the Cellar and Third Floor�����������376
Introduction I am inviting you to journey with me. The journey you are being invited on is the human journey through your conditioning or old programming into a deeper and more solid relationship with yourself. It is an emotional journey, and my only request of you as my reader is to give yourself permission to feel and to bring an open mind to learn. You will not be traveling alone. You will be traveling with me. We will journey together. We will not be traveling through the outer world; we will be traveling through the inner world. This book tells how I was able to heal my life. It can serve as a template for you to heal yours. The story is authentic, autobiographical, and vulnerable. When I wrote the first draft of this piece of work, I had no intention to publish. The poetry part of the book was written in twelve days. I experienced an opening within me; all of a sudden my life began to make sense. For many years, I did not really know what to do with it, although I sensed a miracle had come through me onto the paper. I am grateful I kept it in its original form, as it allowed me more time to grow and more time to make some pivotal mistakes that would add the self-help sections of the book. In this book I teach what I have learned. Your first lesson is that mistakes are your self-created learning experiences. On this journey, you will be transported out of your world and into a new world, a world of emotion, traveling, learning, feeling, falling, getting up, experiencing, expelling, growing, repressing, developing and gathering insights from broken pieces. You will travel through childhood all the way through to adulthood with guidance, insights and lessons being offered all the way through. The purpose of the book is to help you to develop a confident, fulfilling relationship with yourself. Having this type of connection with your Self is the key to a happy and successful life. This book will teach you how to free yourself of all the false beliefs you have developed about yourself and develop a more differentiated Self, created solely by you. 1
Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.
To differentiate is to become your own person. Direct guidance will be offered to you in how to differentiate in each section of the book. You are not an extension of those who raised you. You are here to be a complete and different unique ‘other.’ Nature does not repeat itself. There is only one of you, there will always be only one of you, and you have a responsibility to take advantage of this gift. Why? Because you are a gift. The journey is learning how to see yourself as a gift, to express your gifts and to give your gifts to the world. You are needed in this world for your contribution, or you wouldn’t be here. We all have purpose. We are all rare diamonds. Coming out of childhood and other poisonous relationships, our diamonds become covered in dirt and tar. As you grow, identify, and individuate, you clean this diamond off one facet at a time. This is called cleansing. As we cleanse, we create a shine. It is our shine that begins to attract miracles to us. When we shine, the good stuff in life begins to happen. Let me prepare you, however; cleansing is not accomplished in a moment. Cleansing is accomplished over time with much diligence, organization, and hard work. When we cleanse, we often need to use elbow grease so get ready to work, to self-examine, and to learn. As this process takes place, your rarity will begin to surface, and your shine will begin to light the world you live in. You will learn that each and every one of us is most lovable when we are being 100% ourselves. Many of us are people who are acting like we think people want us to act. We are changing to be what we think others want us to change to be more lovable. We are taking on the ideas of others in terms of who we think we should be and in doing so the majority of people suffer from an ‘I Am Not Good Enough’ perspective. This is the great human emotional affliction. Well, let me tell you, we are all good enough. This book will guide you and challenge you to rip away and change the outdated beliefs you hold about yourself. This book will act as your guide to show you how to deal with the most maimed parts of you. It will also help you to see what parts of you, you would like to change. It will guide you through your feelings, help you to ask yourself the right questions so you can heal, and it will teach 2
you to separate real from false so you can choose to throw away the outdated beliefs that no longer serve you. As I share my story with you, you will see you are not alone. We can all identify with the feeling world because we all feel emotions the same way. Emotions are the universal language. We can relate to each other, when we put ourselves in the feeling shoes of another. We all know what it is like to feel sad, so we can all identify with that emotion in another. This identification process is what allows us to develop the deepest bonds with each other. We are the most emotional creatures on our planet. You will learn how to deal with all your emotions in this book. I am vulnerable in sharing mine, and this will help you to be vulnerable in looking at yours. There are gifts to being vulnerable with ourselves. In our vulnerabilities, we have to practice loving ourselves. If we love ourselves in all our glory and with all of our flaws, we will be able to relate to people in much deeper ways. In loving ourselves, we become more aware, and awareness transcends into our personal and closest relationships. All healthy relationships we have in the world are born out of the love we have within ourselves. Loving ourselves is action oriented. It is a commitment we need to make each moment of each day. Being vulnerable is the doorway into Self-love. Let us use our vulnerabilities to open the door to our inner worlds. Before the door opens, we will first look at what it really means to love ourselves. What does it mean to love your Self? I have always found that statement to be direct in its message but to contain no direction on how to do so. This journey is about the hows in the idea of loving your Self. Self is separate to indicate the inner you. The inner you is your emotional/intuitive world. It is the world inside of you which is not seen by others. It is your private experience. Most of us have been conditioned to see loving ourselves as something we should feel guilty about: If we give our Self too much attention, we are somehow being self-indulgent. Further, we have received the message that if we entertain Self-love we should only give ourselves a certain quota of love or else we are being narcissistic. 3
Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.
What I have personally learned through my journey is that I have to love my Self. The love for my Self is the only love I have any direct control over. If I do not have this love I will not be able to fully enjoy my life experience. I live with me, so it is in my best interest that I love me. In order to accomplish this type of relationship, I have to really know my Self. I have to know my inner world. I have to know and be in understanding and acceptance of all that I feel. My inner world is not a world I can avoid and still find true happiness in my life. The more I know myself and what it takes to be in a relationship with my inner world, the deeper my life experience becomes and also the more comfortable. To love something requires us to give that something attention. We cannot love a child too much. We can give a child too many things, but we can never give a child too much love. This is also true of the love we are going to develop with ourselves. This book is the journey into that relationship. You will be guided through the inner world and will be provided clear direction into learning to love your Self. You will learn about your inner world, as you are guided through mine. This book is somewhat of a template for you to use to access your own inner world. It is this inner world where your uniqueness resides. Your goal is to bring this inner world out of the darkness and into the light. If you are reading this book, then be assured you are ready to heal and to accept change. You are ready to feel, ready to grow and ready to become the new form of yourself. Welcome to the journey, we are about to take together. The book will end with a “uniqueness operating system” that is especially for you. I saved the best for last. You will leave this journey wiser, with new information, and the inspiration to heal your life. Come…let’s journey together.
Three part journey: Part I: Traveling the Story: The River of Old Programming Part II: Finding the Meaning in the Suffering Part III: Living What You Learned: The Crystal Palace
Part I Traveling the Story The River of Old Programming
Ingredients for your journey: Before you begin any sort of travel, you must pack all the necessities to take care of your needs while you are gone. The following is a list of the necessary items of understanding you will need to travel on this journey: Eye-sight is how you were taught to see yourself, love yourself, and feel about yourself from your adult conditioners and other relationships. When you are looking at life only through your eyes, you are limited in your perception. Your eye-sight is a reflection of the distortion you were raised in. Your adult conditioners have the most powerful impact upon you, because it is through them that you see your first reflection. You see yourself in the other before you are able to see yourself from the â€œIâ€? point of view. As an infant you are totally dependent upon the outside world to meet your emotional and physical needs. Throughout this book, eyesight is reflective of your faulty conditioning. You were taught to see yourself other than you really are. In-sight is reflective of your healing. This is seeing life through your heart, your intuition, and your own discovered truths. This is your sixth sense. When you have in-sights you are having a knowing from within that you are different and more magnificent then what was mirrored to you as a child. Insights are what you gain in self-examination. They are ah-ha moments. Life class lessons are your home-work. A separate Self is your true home. So you will do home-work: work on the Self. Each section of the book has explanations and learning opportunities. It is my belief that one of the best ways to learn is through asking questions. In each section, I show a sample answer to the question being asked to help generate your own thought process. It is not my intent for you to answer them. It is my intent to get you thinking and wondering and integrating how you came to be the you you have become. 9
Sherrie Campbell, Ph.D.
You have permission to examine these lessons in any way that is best for your learning. You can glance over them, you can come up with your own questions, you can think deeply about them, you can write about them, but whatever you do, I want you to, at least, think about them and observe the emotions which surface. Even if the emotion of resistance surfacesâ€Ś observe it. This is important information. Whatever you resist, will persist. The questions are useful to you, as they serve to guide you deep into your own story through relating to mine. This allows you to develop a more clear understanding of who you are, to note the things you would like to improve, and to notice what you love and do not love about yourself. When you ask the evolving questions, you will receive the answers which help you to make sense of your feelings and circumstances. The questions are designed to undo the faulty conditioning you endured. The purpose of the life class lessons is to get your attention away from your suffering and onto what you have the opportunity to learn. Anyone who is focused on gaining understanding in their life is bound to succeed in personal growth.
Extra Credit Advantages: Healing reading for home-work Reading opportunities will be offered all along the journey. I will offer personal flexibility in how books can be read as well. The books I have chosen have all served a different purpose in my life. For example, some books I have read over and over. Others, I learned from but didnâ€™t feel compelled to finish. Not finishing a book should not be confused with quitting. Rather, I simply got what I needed, so there was no reason to read the rest. Sometimes, I open a book to a random page to pull some sort of message for me to contemplate for that day or week. Sometimes I read part of a bookâ€™s knowledge, but did not feel ready for the rest. Time travels on, and I might be inspired to finish what I started at a new place in my life. 10