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Once upon a time in a world of candy and woods lived Handel, Kettle and their dad Spout. Handel is the youngest and the most obedient of the trio, Kettle is slightly older but has much more attitude than Handel, and finally their father Spout who was short and rather plump was about to get married to a girl called Cup.Their dad never had had much taste in women considering she was an Irish giant but as far as the kids and their dad were concerned Cup was a beautiful young lady. One day the children wanted to go for a walk in the Jawbreaker woods their dad thought this was a brilliant idea, their dad had never actually met Cup he had been desperate since his wife had died so he went on dating direct, and saw Cup and thought she was beautiful little did he know it wasn’t actually her in the picture. The reason their dad thought it was a brilliant idea was because on Cups profile it had said she lived in Jawbreaker woods, so off they set through Jawbreaker woods it was a lovely bright day and Kettle was skipping along holding Handles hand. Soon they found a small wooden sign saying “Cups property trespassers would be politely smooshed into a ball and sent to China”. Spout, Handel and Kettle were confused as her profile said she was sweet and pleasant to be around but they followed the path but at the end of the path instead of there being a cottage there was a large as what they call there a candy stalk. There was another small wooden sign having an arrow


pointing upwards so they climbed the candy stalk. While they were climbing the candy stalk they heard a large bellow saying “It’s good to be good when you’re Irish” they all thought this was very strange because on her profile it said that Cup was American. Unfortunately Spout had a bad history with Irish lassies since the last one he dated pushed him out the window into an angry leprechaun’s garden. Anyway they still climbed to the top where they were greeted by a gorgeous ogre that took them to Cup but to their displeasure she was absolutely huge but they sat down and had an everlasting conversation about how pretty she was. Handel whispered to Spout “what are you talking about she is an ugly Irish twonk”. Poor Spout had to step in and say ugly stands for Ur Gorgeous Like Yoghurt and twonk stands for Terrific Wonderful Outstanding Nice Kitten. Since Handel wouldn’t shut up they had to leave. As they were climbing down the candy stalk they ate a jellybean which made the whole thing shrink by half a metre, they never noticed this until they got to the bottom and they had to jump down. After they had got down they had the challenge of getting back through Jawbreaker woods unfortunately Handel stood on a chuggy [a sticky flower]. Then Kettle tried to pull him off and stood in quick sherbet then a starburst rodent threw a skittle at Spout knocking him off his feet and into the quick sherbet. Luckily the forest ranger heard this commotion and came rushing with his vimto whip which he used to release the chuggy’s grasp and to pull Spout and Kettle out of the quick sherbet. “ your lucky I heard this ruckus or you have been pulled under by that quick sherbet,” thundered the forest ranger hinting for a reward. Unfortunately for the forest ranger they never gave him anything and they scurried off home to their surprise a letter from Cup had arrived saying “Hello Spout dear I am saying yes to your lovely proposal online and now that I have met you I would just like to say your ugly too many smooches Cup” Handel had never been the romantic type and just stuck his tongue out in disgrace. On the wedding day Cup was wearing a colossal green clover dress however it was too big for her, and Handel was wearing a lovely green leprechauns suit with a matching hat, but the person who really stood out was Kettle she was wearing a candy green clover dress and walking her dad in his green king’s robe down the aisle. Quickly just before they were about to be pronounced husband and wife a small aggressive man with a white beard and a green hat came and objected the wedding and took Cup away for a romantic boat ride … Who said all fairy tales needed happy endings.

Handel, Kettle and the Candy Stalk  

This is a alternative fairy tale by John and Shannon

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