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DAN'S PAPERS, November 20, 2009 Page 22

The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn


Dumb, Dumber, Art Form Mon. Nov. 9, 2009 LONDON (Reuters) Kylie MacLellan – A British man on the run from police sent a picture of himself to his local paper because he disliked the mug shot they had printed of him... in the South Wales Evening Post... the 23-year-old sent the newspaper a replacement photo of himself standing in front of a police van. They obligingly printed it on the front page. The police thanked him for helping them in their appeal, saying, “Everyone in Swansea will know what he looks like now.” People do many stupid things in life, and we all have committed our share of stupid acts, but there are some people, including the man in the example above, whose stupidity is so profound, so unbelievable, so unimaginable to the average person, that we must regard it as an art form, for none other than a true artist of the genre could achieve it. A man in New Jersey went into a drug store, drew his gun, announced a robbery and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head—only to realize that he’d forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask. A woman in Virginia was concerned that the cocaine she bought wasn’t real. So, she took it to her local police station to have it tested, and lo and behold, it was real. They promptly arrested her. She later sued the department for wrongful arrest claiming they didn’t have probable cause, because they probably didn’t know she had cocaine. A guy going into a courthouse put his bag of marijuana into the pocket bowl before walking through the metal detector, according to the Abliene Reporter News. In Rome, Georgia, a thief broke into a convenience store overnight and tried to cover his tracks by burning the place down. He threw charcoal lighter fluid around, ignited a display and (bonus) set himself on fire! While in flames, he grabbed a roll of lottery tickets and fled. At the time of the story, police were looking for a man on fire, or smoldering, with facial, neck and wrist burns. A holdup man in Minnesota thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. In Ashland, Kentucky, police reported that Kasey Kazee entered Shamrock Liquors and attempted to rob the store. Employees were astonished that he had disguised his face by wrapping it in duct tape! The store manager chased him out with a baseball bat and an employee held him in the parking lot until police arrived. Police removed the duct tape after taking pictures... In Sao Paulo, California, a psychiatrist was listening to a patient talk about her sex life when he pulled out a gun and shot her to death. As he explained to the court, “I just couldn’t take those nut cases anymore.” (continued on next page)

Dan's Papers Nov. 20, 2009  

Dan's Papers, the 51-year-old bible of the Hamptons, is owned by Manhattan Media, a multi-media publishing company based in New York City,...