Page 57

danshamptons.com

DAN’S PAPERS

June 22, 2012 Page 55

Water Coolers: Not Cool! At the Dan’s Papers offices in Southampton there is a water cooler in the kitchen area that gets frequently used. The office water cooler is the source of life for many-a-Dan’s employee. It is used for the coffee machine, it is used for tea, it is used for quick cups of a refreshing cup of Spring water that has been sitting in a big plastic container for months. Anyway, something that has happened is that we go through a lot of water here. I mean a lot. It’s like a jug of water two or three days, and because I’m the biggest guy in our office, it is now officially my job, more or less, to replace the jug when it is empty. These jugs weigh roughly 50 pounds, and I pick this thing up with two hands, rip the lid off of the top of the jug, and swing it, with a fair amount of effort and skill, on top of the water cooler. The water then flows into the cooler and a bunch of gurgling sounds are made, and if I’m lucky, everything goes according to plan. So far there hasn’t been one major water jug spill in the office since I’ve done this. I’m batting a thousand with this. I will say however, that I can’t help but think that this is by far the stupidest system in the history of the world when it comes to getting water from a jug into a cooler. You have to be pretty strong to do it. It’s terrifying, because there is risk of major spillage, and the bottom line is that it just seems so stupid. Why is this set up this way? Who the hell invented this thing? If an alien from outer space came down to earth and observed this behavior, he would be fascinated by it. “All of these office workers do everything pretty easy. They communicate by picking up a light telephone. When they want to go somewhere, they walk or get into their cars in order to travel some place. If they are hungry, they eat something from their desks. But we don’t understand the water cooler. For some reason, instead of having a system where water is pumped from a jug on the ground, they take jug, lift it over their heads, and then, quite comically, plop it on top of this large device known as the office water cooler. It is very odd indeed.” It is odd and, damn it, somebody needs to invent something that makes this better. And so, here is my idea. Okay, so instead of having to lift this damn thing up off of the ground and plop it on top of the water cooler, we create a system where the water jug is slid UNDERNEATH the water cooler instead of on top. “But David! How will the water flow from the bottom to the top, there is no gravity to pull the water down through the tube! This system won’t work!” Nay. Nay I say. Nay. Because the fact of the matter is that there is this magical invention called A WATER PUMP. It’s quite complicated, but let me tell you how it works. Let me explain it to you in a scientific

metdevthegsmer/Flickr

By David lion Rattiner

We go through a lot of water at Dan’s...

way... IT FREAKING PUMPS WATER FROM PLACES

THAT YOU WANT THAT WATER TO GO. So there you have it, I think we should call this invention, “The E-Z Water Cooler” and market it to every office in America, or dare I say it, the world. Who wouldn’t want this device? It would just be so easy. Anybody? Anybody out there? Want to do this? There are billions to be made with this. Okay I gotta go, the secretary here is calling my name, and I can tell by the sound of her voice she is need of a new water jug to go on top of the water cooler here. I must do God’s work and give the gift of water to the people using my massive guns. My guns are so sore today, but I have some tickets to the gun show if you want to go.

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Dan's Papers June 22, 2012  

Dan's Papers June 22, 2012 Issue

Dan's Papers June 22, 2012  

Dan's Papers June 22, 2012 Issue

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