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DAN'S PAPERS, June 12, 2009 Page 40

The Sheltered Islander Dan’s Papers: Paper vs. Plastic I read recently that along with newspapers going out of business because of online news, magazines are failing in record numbers. I began to feel a little worried about Dan’s Papers leaving the printed venue and going all-online. I hope that never happens because there are uses for the printed version that the online version just can’t compete with. PaperDan vs. WebDan: While sitting at an outdoor eatery in the Hamptons, you must be reading paper Dan’s Papers in order to appear like a person “in the know.” If you’re reading online, nobody can see that you’re reading Dan’s and you’ll look like a workaholic nerd drinking expensive coffee, instead of a cool local. When in any eatery, if you see someone approaching, and don’t want them to see you, you can quickly and casually reposition the paper to intercept their line of sight. Whereas, if you hold your laptop up like a shield, you’ll attract their attention because they’ll wonder who the idiot is trying to hide behind a laptop. Golddigger Training: I taught my daughter, if you see a man reading Dan’s Papers and another reading Popular Mechanics, the Dan’s man has more money to spend on you. A man reading Popular Mechanics either has no money and is dreaming, or he has plenty of money, but he’s going to spend it on cars, not you. Coffee: Drinking coffee and reading Dan’s goes together like a horse and carriage. However,

when you spill your coffee on PaperDan, you don’t have to scream and panic and suffer potential memory loss. With PaperDan you can circle or cut out an article and send it to a friend. You can write notes in the margins. You can use PaperDan to playfully swat family members on the back of the head. Obviously you can’t hit family members with a WebDan without causing damage. A firm hit could jar something loose in the laptop and require expensive repair, whereas the family member’s head would only need a bag of ice and an aspirin at worst. You can save and frame pretty covers from a PaperDan and hang them in the house. No chance of that with WebDan. Hang a laptop on the wall and it just invites trouble. People would start browsing and the next time you walked past your mounted laptop, it would display a Google search instead of the Dan’s page. PaperDan is far better at the beach. Imagine getting sand in your laptop? Plus you can shoo flies with a PaperDan, but not with a WebDan, although it would give your arms a good workout. You can use a PaperDan to stuff between brickettes and get the beach barbecue going, not possible with WebDan. You can serve greasy hot burgers and fries on PaperDan. To be fair, you could serve a burger and fries on a laptop if it’s closed I suppose, but it just doesn’t have the grease absorbing properties of the written word. PaperDan has advantages for pet owners that WebDan does not. PaperDan can line a birdcage,

By Sally Flynn

paper train a puppy and act as an improvised pooper-scooper in an emergency. WebDan could perform any of those functions, but could be cost prohibitive. PaperDan has advantages for parents. It can be folded into a paper hat to stage a backyard play, or rolled up like a telescope to help spot enemy ships on the horizon. It can be tucked into the canopy of a carriage to extend shading from the sun. It can be rolled up for spit-ball fights and even create its own spit-balls. PaperDan can be used to level a tippy table or create a wedge in an oversized shoe. If you can fit a laptop in your shoe, you have a whole other problem. PaperDan can save a hairdo in a sudden downpour — I’ve seen this many times. If you are stranded on a desert island, you can tear out words from a PaperDan and stuff them in a bottle to secure your rescue. The fonts and sizes of the words might be different, but, once assembled, you can get the message across. The only singular advantage I can think of to reading WebDan instead of PaperDan is reading in bed at night. The WebDan has its own light and doesn’t make noise when you scroll the page. And it won’t crunch when you fall asleep and roll over on it. WebDan is nice and does have terrific links to everything, but I’ll always love PaperDan more. I grew up with it, all the way back to when it was a four-page flyer at King Kullen in Mattituck — we never came home without it.

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Dan's Papers June 12, 2009  

Dan's Papers, the 51-year-old bible of the Hamptons, is owned by Manhattan Media, a multi-media publishing company based in New York City,...