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DAN'S PAPERS, June 12, 2009 Page 15

Encounter at the Beach Why Man’s Best Friend? Why Did You Hook Up with these People? By Dan Rattiner A chocolate lab, about 60 pounds, is wandering down the beach a hundred years from now, sniffing at this and that, when he hears a voice calling to him. “Hey you.” He turns. Twenty feet away is an alien from outer space, glowing green, 10-feet high and with five hairy arms and legs. The dog wags happily. A new friend! “Don’t give me that crap,” the alien says. The lab stops wagging. “Come over here.” The lab shrugs. “Okay,” he says, for as it happens, these two understand one another quite perfectly. The lab saunters over. On his way, he sees a crumpled up beer can in the sand. So he picks it up in his teeth and, when he arrives, holds it up — a gesture of friendship. “You sicken me,” the alien says. The lab drops it. “I didn’t mean…” “You think that is a toy, something to throw and fetch. Isn’t that it?” “Well, yeah.” “Look around. Don’t you get it? Don’t you see what is going on here?” The lab looks around. He doesn’t get it. “The beach is a mess. You’ve even got a beer can between your paws.” “I can grab it if it’s scrunched up like this,” the lab says. He nudges it with his nose. “The whole place is a mess. Air pollution,

water pollution, chemicals, carbon monoxide. The humans did it. And what did you dogs do about it? Nothing.” “I don’t know anything about that.” “Practically everything natural here is gone. The songbirds. The polar bears. The vegetation. The fish. The humans ruined it.” “They’re good to me. They feed me. They put

care? Everything is ruined. You’re an animal. Don’t you think you’re an animal?” “We don’t think like that.” “You betrayed us. We asked you to get them to stop, get them to respect the world and its place in the universe. You did nothing.” “Why didn’t you talk to them yourself, then?” “We’re not from Earth. We’re from elsewhere. If we told them what to do, we’d be viewed as conquerors and they’d declare war. We’re not warlike. So it had to be creatures on Earth talking to those in charge to get them to stop.” “You have any fresh water?” “What?” “I need some fresh water. I’ve been running around. Got any? Can’t drink that stupid ocean. I tried.” “No. I don’t drink water. Look can we talk more about this?” “I’ll have to run back soon to get water.” “Let me ask you something. You come down here. You poop on the beach. Remember how nice it used to be? You’d poop, others would poop, and you’d sniff and then read the poops on the beach? Now whenever you poop they’re behind you with those stupid plastic baggies. You don’t even matter. Everybody else gets to poop but you.” “That’s true.” “You don’t think there’s something wrong with that? Poop in plastic bags?” “They took care of it.”

”The whole place is a mess. Air pollution, chemicals, carbon monoxide. The humans did it. And what did you dogs do about it? Nothing.” water in my dish. They take me for walks. I like them.” “We reached out to you. We thought you, as the companion animals, were the one group of creatures that might get through to them. All the other creatures were just in the wild. Didn’t care. Didn’t even notice as they became fewer and fewer. But you dogs. We had high hopes.” “I heard we were supposed to warn them. Others did too. But we’re man’s best friend.” “Exactly.” “We tried.” “I don’t believe you. Look around. Don’t you

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Dan's Papers June 12, 2009  
Dan's Papers June 12, 2009  

Dan's Papers, the 51-year-old bible of the Hamptons, is owned by Manhattan Media, a multi-media publishing company based in New York City,...